Chapter Text
Name: Jung Hoseok
Age: 22
Occupation: Student
Likes: dance, Beyoncé, puppies, rainbows, teddy bears, ponies, marshmallows, fluffy things, idk probably unicorns if they existed
Looking For: someone who’ll hold my hand through Toy Story 3
Other Notes: the fucking sun shines out of his ass. i like him.
It is a widely known fact that Min Yoongi loved his sleep. He loved sleep more than he loved his friends, his mother, and his friends’ mothers. The world could burst into flames and all Yoongi would do is groan, roll over and push his head under the pillow because the apocalypse could wait until after he had had his standard 18 hours of shuteye.
Needless to day, “really fucking pissed” was an understatement when describing Yoongi at 7 in the morning, bed hair sticking up in all directions and a wild look in his eyes as he felt around his nightstand for whatever the hell was making that god awful noise.
It’s his phone. A call from an unknown number, and Yoongi has gotten one too many prank calls from teenage boys who think they’re hot shit with their Timberlands and their protein shakes and their explosive acne and— Yoongi really just isn’t in the mood to deal with all this testosterone this early in the morning.
Which is why he takes a deep breath, carefully taps the green button flashing across his screen, and calmly puts the phone to his ear.
“Listen up, you fucker. I don’t care who you are or whatever it is you’re trying to pull with your fuckboy buddies to impress some giggly, sparkly-eyed, preteen girl. I have just spent the last 32 hours trying to produce a song that’s good enough to be performed by a group of boys who are actually trying to do shit with their lives, unlike you, and who work hard instead of making petty calls to random strangers, unlike you, and who will have girls chasing them instead of the other way around, unlike you. So if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just be going back to my well-deserved nap while I leave you to do whatever pathetic thing teenagers do these days. I hope the rest of your day is shit.”
Yoongi ends the call, throws his phone to the other side of his bed and falls back into the pillows. He knows he’ll feel guilty in a couple of hours, when he’s more awake and less ready to murder anything that moves. He’s just starting to drift off again when his phone goes off for the second time in the span of 5 minutes. At this point, Yoongi thinks it wouldn’t be so bad if the world actually burst into flames.
He reaches for his phone again with the intention of silencing it once and for all (read: chuck it through his third floor window) when he catches sight of the caller id and sees that it’s Jimin. The window all of a sudden seems much too far from the bed for Yoongi to accurately aim for it so Yoongi decides to just answer the call because less effort, right?
(Yoongi thinks that his habit of over rationalizing everything when it comes to Jimin might be a sign that he’s in way deeper than he thought, but then again, he always has the strangest ideas at 7 in the morning.)
Yoongi starts the call off with his standard, friendly greeting.
“Jimin what the fuck it’s 7 in the morning.”
“Hi, hyung! Just calling to let you know that you screwed things up with your date tonight so you’ll have to wait a bit until I can set you up with another one.”
“Jimin, how could I have possibly screwed anything up when the only thing I have done since I last saw you was hole myself up in my studio and then come home to try and get some sleep, try being the key word here. I literally only woke up 10 minutes ago, and that was only so I could tell off a bunch of dumb teen— oh, fuck.”
“’Oh, fuck’, indeed. You see hyung, when one of my clients makes the 1-hour trip from their home to my office in order to get the number of their date so they can contact them directly instead of making me the messenger, I tend to feel for them a little more than I do for the rude asshole who answers the call.” Jimin says casually, as though he were talking about the weather.
“I—“
“Oh, but I’m not finished, hyung.” Yoongi doesn’t know how Jimin manages to sound like a middle-aged woman and a serial killer at the same time but he’s afraid for his life and Jimin isn’t even physically in the same room. Jimin was scary as fuck when he was pissed.
“Fortunately for you, I was able to get Hoseok hyung to stay and give you another chance. He’s way too kind for his own good, so you better treat him right tonight. Got it?”
“Y-yes, sir.” The only other time that Yoongi had been this intimidated by someone was during his freshman year at high school when some girl in his class had threatened to burn his entire collection of Naruto action figures if he didn’t go out with her. (He still wakes up screaming sometimes.)
“Good. I’m passing the phone to Hoseok now. Be nice this time.”
He hears some rustling over the phone and another voice, one that isn’t Jimin’s, although it’s speaking too quietly for Yoongi to really hear anything.
(“I don’t know if I want to talk to him anymore.”
“Come on, hyung. He’s really not that bad, I swear. He’s actually really nice when he’s not running on an hour of sleep.”
“Okay, but it’s not just that. Are you sure he’s only 23? Because the whole time he was ranting at me over the phone all I could think about was how much he sounded like my grandfather.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean. He only sounds like a 70-year-old man for about 80% of the time, though. The other 20% he actually functions like a normal human being, ya know? He’s really funny, and he has really good taste in music. Well I guess that’s to be expected seeing as he’s a music producer and all and—“
“Jimin, you’re rambling.”
“Oh. Right.”
“Are you sure I should be the one going on that date tonight?”
“What do you mean, hyung?”
“Nothing, you’re dumb is all. Just give me the phone.”)
Yoongi is starting to wonder just how long it takes to pass someone a phone, when the voice of who Yoongi presumes is Hoseok begins to speak.
“Hey, Yoongi-ssi. I’m very sorry to interrupt your well-deserved nap, but I swear I’m not some teenage dude trying to get a rise out of you, although you were right about my buddies being fuckboys.”
Yoongi smiles a little at that. At least the guy had a sense of humour.
“Hey, sorry about that. I can get a little grumpy sometimes when I haven’t had enough sleep.”
“Grumpy? Grumpy makes you sound like a cute dwarf or something. I think the correct word to use here would be volatile, frenzied or unstable, but that’s just my opinion.”
Yoongi is a little taken aback because the only other person who dared to talk to him like that was Namjoon. In the background, he can hear Jimin telling Hoseok to shut up before he comes and kills us all, but it appears Hoseok has plans to do no such thing and frankly, Yoongi thinks it’s a breath of fresh air from the usual backpedalling and stuttering he gets when he so much as looks at someone.
“Alright, smartass. What is it you woke me up for?”
“Right. I have class until about 6:30 today so what say we meet at that new Italian place at about 7:15 tonight?”
“Wait. You’re a student? How old are you? Are you another fetus? I swear to god, Park Jimin I will—“
“Exhibit A: volatile, frenzied, unstable. I’m 22.”
“Shut the fuck up, I’ll see you then.”
Yoongi hangs up, puts his phone on silent and finally succumbs to sweet, sweet, slumber.
-
When Yoongi wakes up, it’s 6:45pm and it takes about half a second before he has a heart attack. He’s going to be late for his date and Jimin is going to kill him for being even worse to Hoseok after what he had pulled that morning.
He stumbles to the bathroom, quickly brushes his teeth and does a cursory brush of his hair. “Artfully mussed” seems to be the trend these days so Yoongi hopes it doesn’t look like he had just gotten out of bed a few minutes ago. He doesn’t have time for a shower so he practically dumps a bottle of cologne on himself and he’s out the door in the next 10 minutes.
He ends up being 8 minutes late, but Hoseok doesn’t seem to mind.
“Hey, hyung!” Yoongi has no idea when he suddenly transitioned to hyung, but he can’t find it in him to tell Hoseok off.
“Hey, Hoseok. Sorry I’m late, I got a little…lost.”
“No worries. Have a seat, I’ll get the waiter to bring us some drinks.”
They look over the menu in comfortable silence and Yoongi takes the opportunity to really look at Hoseok for the first time.
“Shit, you’re hot.” Yoongi may be fucking gone for Jimin but he has eyes and he can appreciate a work of art when he sees one.
“What?” Hoseok has an eyebrow raised from where he’s peering at Yoongi from behind his menu. The look on his face makes it clear that he knows exactly what Yoongi had said and he curses himself for his terrible habit of thinking out loud.
“I said you have snot. It’s fucking disgusting, wipe it off.” He’s already hastily gesturing at the nearest waiter before Hoseok even has a chance to respond. He ignores Hoseok’s amused grin as he order the most expensive thing on the menu because Hoseok is his date and dates always pay for the meal on the first date. Yoongi conveniently forgets that he is Hoseok’s date and should, therefore, be paying for Hoseok’s meal, following his own logic. Yoongi is very good at conveniently forgetting things.
He finds himself thinking back to what Jimin had said the last time he saw him. I think maybe I’ll try a different approach since conventional methods don’t seem to work on you (Yoongi refuses to acknowledge that anything further had been said after that). He glances at Hoseok, in the midst of telling the waiter his order, and wonders just what was so unconventional about him. That is, until Hoseok turns away from the waiter and opens his mouth.
“Hey, was your license suspended?”
“Um, no?”
“Huh. That’s weird because you’re driving me crazy.” Hoseok winks at him. Fucking winks. “In a good way, of course.”
There are very few things that render Yoongi speechless and Jung Hoseok is one of them. The last time Yoongi had had to suffer through a bad pick-up line was years ago, when Namjoon was asking some girl out to prom in their senior year of high school.
Hoseok is stifling a laugh from behind is drink and Yoongi is Not Amused.
“I take it back, I’m not sorry for what I said this morning. You really are a pathetic teenage boy who does pathetic teenage boy things.”
Hoseok’s grin doesn’t falter. “Aw, lighten up, hyung. Bad pick-up lines are an important aspect of any first date. They’re fun! Hey, if I were a fly, I’d be all over you because you’re the shit!”
“Hey, if I were a fly, I’d be all over you because you’re shit!” Yoongi mentally pats himself on the back because that was pretty damn good.
“Well, fuck. I mean I should’ve known from the phone call this morning, but hyung, you’re fucking savage.”
“I think that might be the nicest thing you’ve said to me all evening.”
Hoseok grins his megawatt smile and Yoongi finds himself grinning right back.
-
It’s an hour into the date and Yoongi finds himself listening to Hoseok’s seemingly never-ending tale of his harrowing experience at the Apple Store a couple of days ago.
“I mean, they’re known for their customer service, right? So why is it so shitty? ALL I wanted was a new laptop. That’s it. I wasn’t even being one of those asshole customers that come in every now and then to make retail workers’ lives a living hell. In return, I just wanted somebody to show me a laptop that a university student could use as an essential tool for learning. Instead, I get some brat named Seungkwan – yeah, I remember his name because I need it when I write a letter of complaint to the president of Apple. You should’ve seen the way that kid looked at me. You don’t just look, at someone like that and expect them to buy something from you, okay. It’s called being realistic, Seungkwan. I’m teaching him a life lesson.”
“So basically, what you’re telling me is that you’re going to write a letter of complaint to the president of Apple because you got pissed at some guy who looked at you funny?” Yoongi doesn’t think he’ heard anything so absurd in his entire life. He’s friends with Namjoon so that’s saying something. “Jesus Christ, Hoseok, maybe he has a resting bitch face. It’s a real thing, ya know. I have it so I know what it’s like. Way to go man, now he probably feels bad about himself because you basically walked into the store, took one look at him, then walked back out. That does things to a person’s self-esteem.”
Hoseok looks like he’s about 2 seconds away from having a mental breakdown.
“Shit, hyung. What if I ruined the kid’s life?? What if he can never be happy again?? Oh god, what have I done??”
“Okay, calm down. I was kidding. I’m sure he’s over it by now. I think the real problem here is the fact that you’ve spent the past 15 minutes telling me the most useless story I’ve ever heard in my life. That’s 15 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back, Hoseok. Think about it.”
“Stop being such a drama queen. And there is a point to my story, I swear. What I’ve been leading up to is that now I’m stuck with my crappy laptop and it makes me very sad and want to eat excessive amounts of ice cream.”
Yoongi rolls his eyes so hard it actually hurts him.
“That hardly counts as a point. What’s so bad about your laptop, anyway?”
“It keeps overheating every 3 minutes. I have to keep shutting it down when I’m in the middle of writing papers so that it cools off.” Hoseok groans, sinking down into his chair. He stares into space for a few seconds before a sudden realization seems to have hit him and he straightens in his seat. “But you know what’s hotter than the bottom of my laptop?”
Yoongi’s eye twitches.
“Don’t you fucking dare—“
“You, sexy.” Hoseok looks so pleased with himself, wiggling his eyebrows at Yoongi from across the table.
It takes all of Yoongi’s strength to stop himself from lunging across the table and strangling Hoseok with his bare hands.
-
In the end, Hoseok is the one who foots the bill. He didn’t so much volunteer, per se, as Yoongi just straight up walked out of the restaurant the moment the waiter set down the check.
“I’m doing this for Seungkwan.” Yoongi throws over his shoulder on the way out the door.
“That was a dirty move.” Hoseok says, when he comes out of the restaurant a couple minutes later. “I bet your parents were thieves.”
Yoongi looks up at that because, while what he did wasn’t exactly the greatest thing to do to a person, claiming that someone’s parents were thieves was way worse in Yoongi’s books.
“Because they stole the stars from the sky and put them into your eyes.”
“Goddamnit, Hoseok.” Yoongi says, punching him in the arm. He’s smiling, though.
“Hey,” Hoseok perks up suddenly. “There’s a really nice café a couple of blocks from here. Wanna get some dessert?”
For a moment, Yoongi thinks about Jimin in his office, eating cookies by himself, and his heart is suddenly clenching in his chest. You’re being ridiculous, Yoongi tells himself. It’s not like he’s waiting for you or anything. You’re not letting anyone down if you go with Hoseok.
“Yeah, sure. I’d be down for some coffee.”
-
Hoseok’s right, it is a nice café. Soft music is playing in the background, and there are only a few people left inside at this hour. It’s quiet and it’s nice and Yoongi is definitely not thinking about how he would rather be in Jimin’s cozy little kitchen with a plate of cookies in front of him.
“So, I’m just letting you know now that this will be our only date.” It takes Yoongi a moment to realize that Hoseok is speaking. But when he does, he doesn’t know whether he feels relieved or indignant because yeah, I don’t like you that way but why don’t you like me that way?
“Okay, sure. Is there any particular reason?” Yoongi tries to play it cool but Hoseok seems to see through it anyway, judging by the amused smile on his face.
“For a friend.” He says, cryptically.
Yoongi looks up from his coffee, only to see Hoseok looking at him with a knowing smile on his face that Yoongi has no idea what to make of.
-
Hoseok, being the good date that he is, ends up walking Yoongi all the way to his apartment, and even goes as far as to hug Yoongi at the front door.
“Tonight was pretty fun.” Hoseok grins at him. “Call me and we hang out again sometime.”
“Yeah, alright.” Yoongi finds himself agreeing, turning to unlock the door.
“Good night, Hoseok.”
“Good night, Yoongi.”
Just as he’s about to shut the door, he calls out to Hoseok again.
“Hey!” Hoseok turns around, surprise written on his face.
“Your eyes are as blue as the ocean,” Yoongi starts out tentatively. “And baby, I’m lost at sea.”
Yoongi slams the door shut, Hoseok’s booming laughter echoing behind him.
-
When Yoongi walks into the studio the next day, he is greeted by a bill. From Park’s Matchmaking Services. From Jimin.
What.
He’s already making his way to the exit, yelling that he’ll be back in an hour and ignoring Namjoon’s but you just got here.
He gets to Jimin’s office in record time, nodding in acknowledgement at the receptionist (they’re practically besties at this point. Yoongi sees her more often than he sees 98% of his friends), and taking the elevator up to the seventh floor.
He finds Jimin sitting at his desk, filling out some paperwork. He’s gripping the pen so tightly that Yoongi wonders how it hasn’t been completely crushed in his grip.
“Jimin?” Yoongi begins softly. Jimin looks just about ready to stab someone with that pen and Yoongi is so, so scared of saying the wrong thing. “Hey.”
Jimin looks up from his papers, and, for a moment, his dark mood lifts a little in his surprise to see Yoongi. But just as quickly, a scowl settles back on his features, and Yoongi isn’t sure what to make of a Jimin who isn’t always smiling and making fun of him every chance he gets.
“Oh. Hello, Yoongi-ssi.”
Yoongi reels as though he’s been hit. Jimin’s tone is all sharp edges and forced politeness, clipped and professional. It’s as if they’re meeting for the first time all over again and Yoongi doesn’t know what happened.
“I’m just here to ask about this bill you sent to the studio this morning.”
“What about it?”
“I thought the agreement here is that I pay after you match me with someone? So I’m not really sure why I’m being billed now.”
For the first time since Yoongi had walked into the room, Jimin seems to regain a semblance of his usual self. He looks confused as fuck, but hey, it’s better than the constipated look he had had earlier.
“But I did match you with someone? Aren’t you and Hoseok a thing now?”
Now it’s Yoongi’s turn to be confused because god, no.
“No? What the hell gave you that idea?”
“I-I just,” Yoongi has to remind himself that this is not the appropriate moment to find Jimin’s stuttering endearing. “You didn’t come see me after the date like you usually do so I just figured…”
“Jimin, Hoseok invited me out for dessert at some café and we ended pretty late so I wasn’t sure it would be okay to still come.” Yoongi is trying his hardest not to smile because ohmygod, he was totally waiting for me, ohmygodohmygodohmygOD. Yoongi’s mental age would probably be around that of a 14-year-old girl’s and he knows it.
“Oh.” Jimin looks so lost and Yoongi definitely does not think it’s adorable. Then he smiles, and it’s a complete 180 to his mood a couple minutes ago. “So, does this mean I should set you up with another date?”
Yoongi makes a show of thinking about it for a while.
“I guess so. I mean, you still haven’t proved to me that you’re better at this than Mr. Cupid.” Internally, Yoongi is screaming into the void because if that isn’t the lamest, most obvious excuse anyone in this world has ever said, he doesn’t know what is.
It seems to pass right through Jimin though, and Yoongi doesn’t know whether he’s frustrated or relieved.
“Okay, hyung. You just go on back to your studio and I’ll text you when I have another match, yeah?”
“Alright, sounds good. I’ll see you soon?”
“Yeah.” Jimin’s smiling again.
“I’ll see you soon, hyung.”
(“Hyung, Yoongi just came over and told me that you two aren’t together. Why did you lie to me?”
“I didn’t lie to you about anything, Jimin. You just assumed all on your own.”
“But you didn’t correct me!”
“Were you upset?”
“What?”
“Were you upset that there was a chance that me and Yoongi had started dating?”
“…no.”
“You were totally upset.”
“Why would I be upset? Look, Hoseok, you might be my favourite hyung but I don’t like you that much.”
“…”
“Hyung?”
“Park Jimin you are actually the dumbest, stupidest, most ridiculous person I have ever known in my whole entire life.”
“That’s rude.”
“You deserve it.”
“Okay, I’m willing to overlook the hole you have just blasted in our friendship because I’m too excited to tell you who I’ve decided to set Yoongi hyung up with next.”
“You?”
“Huh?”
“I asked who.”
“Taehyung.”
“The dude I went out with last week who was stoned as fuck for the entirety of our date?”
“The one and only.”
“Shit. RIP Yoongi.”)
If the receptionist notices Jimin cackling to himself at random moments for the rest of the day, she doesn’t say a word.