Chapter Text
TRIGGER WARNING: Thoughts of suicide and talk of torture.
For once, I had no nightmares. When I opened my eyes again, I was lying on a cot in a cell. I was surprised to find they had cells on Olympus. Then again, they were gods, they could create whatever they wanted with a snap of their fingers, so I guess I shouldn't have been all that surprised.
Or, I suppose, more accurately, I would've been surprised and shouldn't have been surprised. However, seeing as that numbness that'd crept up on me was still swirling inside my body, sucking away any and all emotions and feelings, I didn't feel surprised at all. I couldn't even feel angry at Apollo for putting me to sleep.
My body felt stronger, though, I had to admit. I was no longer on the verge of physical collapse. Any wounds I'd sustained were gone. My body felt in top condition, something I hadn't felt in a while.
I slowly sat up, setting my feet on the ground, holding the edge of the cot with my hands.
I guess I had to wait now. For my trial. Or rather, death, like a prisoner on death row. There was no way the gods were going to let me off, let me live. After everything I'd done. Maybe I hadn't officially pledged myself to Kronos, but I'd helped Luke for a time, and then I'd become the reason Luke even went through with hosting Kronos. If it hadn't been for me, we wouldn't even have made it to this point.
For some reason, my mind latched onto those thoughts as I waited.
Right now, nothing they could do to me seemed more torturous than staying alive. It wasn't even that being alive was painful. No, just the opposite. My world was crumbling around me and I felt nothing. Empty. Hollow. Numb. It felt like if someone walked past me, the stirred air would break me into a thousand tiny shards, as if I was a soap bubble ready to pop as soon as I hit the surface of something not like what I was made from.
At least, if they killed me, I'd feel something. It didn't matter how, at least I'd feel something again. Drawn and quartered? Hanged? Struck by lightning? Drowned? I remembered the large hole that Kronos had made next to Hephaestus' chair. A fall from Olympus would surely kill me—a fall from such a height. I could open my arms, bleed out. The fire in a brazier near my cell caught my eye…burned alive. Crucified. There were so many ways…even after all that, I'd probably suffer for the rest of eternity in the Fields of Punishment.
If Luke really did want to be reborn and try for the Isles of Blest and I ended up in the Fields of Punishment that meant I'd never see him again.
When it was time for me to go back into the throne room, two godlings, dressed in Greek armor, came and got me. When we entered, the gods were all in their respective thrones. It looked like the throne room had been repaired from the battle. My eyes flickered to the spot where Luke had…
They brought me to stand in front of Zeus before stepping back, off to the side.
"Victoria Anna Williams," Zeus's voice boomed through the room, commanding and powerful. "You are here with charges of joining the titan's side, helping with their operations, and allowing Luke Castellan to be possessed by the titan, Kronos. Do you have anything to say before we decide your punishment?"
I felt a small flash of surprise run through me before it was enveloped, completely lost in the numbness. I shook my head silently.
Zeus's Judge, Jury, and Executioner façade dropped momentarily and he looked down at me stunned.
He raised a dark eyebrow. "Are you sure?" he asked.
I nodded.
"Very well, let the vote begin," Zeus continued gaining his composure back. "Kill her—all in favor?"
I let my gaze go into soft focus, not caring about seeing what they decided. I'd know soon enough. Besides, I had a feeling what it was going to be. It was silent for a long time and I wasn't sure if it was because some of the gods were being indecisive or what, but finally Zeus spoke again. I lifted my gaze. His expression was hard to read.
"Majority rules," he announced before turning those electric blue eyes on me. "You will be allowed to live." I blinked a burst of shock filling me, momentarily overwhelming the numbness. And for once since the numbness had come, this emotion stayed. "You will return to Camp Half-Blood. Dionysus will monitor you, and you are required to do whatever he asks of you. If you do not do what he asks, disobey him, or step out of line, he will have final decision on what to do with you." He paused before his voice lowered, becoming dangerous. "But make no mistake, if he does not act accordingly, I will handle any discrepancies personally." His eyes flashed—literally—before he turned back to the other gods. "Meeting adjourned."
In a flash of lighting, Zeus disappeared. The heat burned and I had to close my eyes to avoid being blinded, but I couldn't move. The shock was still there, slowly being enveloped by the numbness, but still there nonetheless.
I was…going to live? That thought was almost enough to make the pain in my chest return. I was going to live…but without Luke. I was going to live with the knowledge that I could've saved him, that I could've prevented his death. That I could've prevented a lot of deaths.
"Miss Williams!" Our camp director's voice cut through my thoughts. Struggling, I managed to turn and face him. He was standing in front of his throne, human size now. His eyes glared at me and he wore a scowl. "I expect you to be back at camp in one hour so we may go over the rules of your…probation. Don't be late." With that he disappeared in a puff of purple smoke, bringing the scent of grapes with it.
Still in a daze, I forced my feet to move. I didn't want to stick around in the throne room long enough to find out what they'd do to me if I did, though most of the gods had left already. I got the courtyard and slowed when I noticed two people conversing. One of them was my father, the other was—
"Dan!" I exclaimed. Dan jumped and looked up, looking over at me, forgetting whatever he was talking to Apollo about. I was suddenly engulfed in his arms. The warmth he had burned away the numbness for the time being and I felt the shock of being kept alive hit me full force. I also felt the pain. It was like an echo of the pain I felt when Luke died. I could feel it throughout my whole body, like the radiation from the nuclear blast—ground zero right in my chest, where the pain was worst.
Before I knew it, tears were spilling from my eyes, my arms going around my brother's broad shoulders.
"I lost him," I sobbed. "I lost him." I repeated this a few times as Dan rubbed my back. He was also trying to comfort me, but his words were completely lost on me.
It was then that I realized that living was my punishment. Everything that I'd witnessed in the throne room had all been for show. They knew that living in a world without Luke would destroy me, so here I was, still alive.
But Luke was gone.
I stared at my freshly made bed, gathering myself before I went back outside to face the day. The pain in my chest was ever present, but I'd come to accept that it was going to be a part of me now and until I died. I would just have to learn to live with it.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and carefully, pushing all my demons back into their cage for today.
I opened them again, stared at my bed for a few more moments before turning around…and almost crashing into someone. I let out a squeak of surprise and veered back. When I saw who it was I instantly kneeled.
"Lord Hermes," I greeted politely, but in a rushed voice. I ignored the painful jerk in my chest.
Kneeling and formal greeting was something I would have to become used to now. I didn't think I was going to be greeted by gods often, but being Mr. D's personal assistant (what he'd called it when we'd gone over the "house rules"), I would be calling him My Lord from now on. I assumed that also extended this formality to the other gods as well. Not that I hadn't done that already out of simple respect, but they didn't seem so strict about it. It just seemed more paramount now since I was not on good terms with them.
I couldn't read the expression on the messenger god's features as I stood. He was wearing a postal carrier outfit today, with a mailbag slung over one shoulder and white pith helmet over his curly black hair.
"What brings you here, if I may ask," I said.
"A delivery, of course," he said in a measured tone. I blinked. I had a delivery? What could it be and from whom? Hermes reached into his bag as he spoke. "I don't think he ever expected this to get to you from me, but this is how things work. Messenger of the gods and all that." I wasn't quite sure what he was talking about, but I didn't say anything. He seemed more subdued today. Not that I regularly saw him, however, his aura just exuded this weary tiredness.
Finally he pulled out a regular white envelope from his bag. My full name was written on the back in handwriting I instantly recognized, but had only seen once or twice. Tears stung my eyes, my demons rattled in their cage, and the pain in my chest hit me full force, making it hard to breath.
I shook my head. "I don't want it." I choked out, taking a step back, only to have the back of my legs hit the bed behind me.
Hermes met my eyes, his own eyes sad.
"He wanted you to have this," he said quietly, holding it out to me.
"How do you know?" I snapped. God or not, I wasn't going to accept this. I couldn't…
"I am his father," he answered. "Despite everything that's happened, I care—cared—very much about him. He wrote this specifically for you, just in case."
"Just in case what?" I questioned harshly, trying to hold back the sobs. I blinked and my tears broke free. I didn't make a move to wipe them away.
Hermes didn't answer. His look said it all. We both knew the answer.
"I don't want it," I repeated, my voice shaking. I swallowed hard. "Please, just…burn it or-or throw it away. I don't—" I had to turn away. I clamped my hand over my mouth as the sob built in my throat and the tears streamed down my face. My chest felt heavy and my breathing became labored. I slowly sunk to the floor, leaning against the bed frame. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening.
I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and looked over my shoulder to see Hermes lay the envelope on my bed. He met my gaze for a moment.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly before stepping away from the bed. He started to glow and I looked away and closed my eyes until the brightness had faded. I wondered what he was sorry about.
I looked over my shoulder again at the envelope. Without my permission, my shaking hand reached out to take it and bring it toward me. I slumped against the bed frame, feeling the pain wash over me, wave after wave. It was almost like how the ocean ebbed and flowed at the shore. Some moments the pain was almost unbearable, but it would slowly pull back, only to become unbearable again for a moments.
I stared down at my name written on the back for I don't know how long. Finally, I turned it over and opened it up. The first thing that fell out was a necklace. The chain was thin and metal. Attached to it was a single charm made of a silvery metal. Or rather, something more like a ring (welded to a smaller ring, attached to the chain). There was a sound wave carved out of the bottom of the ring. I ran my fingers across it, feeling the sharp edges of the voice recording. I had a small inkling of what it might be a recording of.
I sunk even lower to the floor, the ring resting in my shaking palm. Tears streamed freely from my eyes, dripping onto my hand. Despite this, I managed a small smile.
"I love you, too," I whispered. I closed my eyes and gripped the necklace in my hand, trying to rein in my emotions so I could get to the letter itself.
I was so busy concentrating on that, when I opened my eyes again, I almost missed that there was a word in the middle of the ring, also a silvery metal: Promise.
I nearly dropped it from my still shaking hand. The wave of pain that hit me, nearly pulled me out to sea. I felt like I was drowning, overwhelmed by the amount of agony that engulfed me. I forced myself to hold onto something, to focus on something that would keep me grounded, to breathe until the wave receded. I thought of my brother, his life away from gods and monster, on stage, and forced air into and out of my burning lungs. The wave pulled back and I was still on solid ground.
Letting out a shaky breath and swallowing hard, I slowly unfolded the paper.
Tori,
If you're reading this, it's probably because I'm not there to tell you this myself. There are so many things I want to say. So many things I wish I could say to you in person…but I'll keep it short and sweet.
I had always hoped we'd be able to find our little pocket in this world, where we could happily live together, peacefully. Where we could just be happy. Where we could simply be together. I suppose that's why I got these things for you, to keep a naïve hope alive.
Unfortunately, we're demigods. Our lives have been rough. We've been through and suffered so much. Our time together was short, compared to what it could have been, but it was one of the best times of my life.
-Luke
I expected more pain, more tears, but that strange numbness had washed over me again. Well, sort of. I could still feel that agonizing hollowness in my chest that made me dizzy and breathless, but I'd stopped crying. It was painful, yet strangely comforting, reading his letter. Part of me wanted to rip it to shreds and burn the pieces while the other part wanted to keep it forever, tucked away where no one else would find it.
I shifted and noticed there was more writing near the bottom of the page: Check the envelope again.
I furrowed my eyebrows, confused. Had that been there before? It was definitely in Luke's handwriting, but…. I tilted the envelope and felt something move inside it. Had that been there before? I set the paper down and held out my palm to catch whatever was going to come out the envelope. I tilted it more and something small and round came tumbling out.
I stared at it in shock for a long moment.
A ring.
A small, smooth ring, crafted from what looked to be Celestial bronze. It felt heavier somehow, though, like it wasn't just made out of Celestial bronze.
I couldn't think about that too much, however, because that's when more tears came, the gut-wrenching pain. I curled in on myself. It felt like my whole body was falling to pieces. I gripped the ring in my fist and curled into a ball, sobbing as quietly as I could. I had things to do and places to be today, but I couldn't find it in me to pull myself together right now. I needed more time. I needed to release some of this pain before I could reign it in, before I went out there. I wouldn't be able to hide it otherwise.
I entered the Big House, breathing hard, having run from the Apollo cabin. Mr. D had summoned me a couple of minutes ago, but part of his "house rules" meant I couldn't be late. For anything. And I was afraid of what would happen if I was late. Even after everything I'd encountered and been through, the power he held as one of the Olympians scared me. Maybe living as a dolphin wouldn't be so bad, but those vines he had created, the fact that he could put me back into my deepest, darkest memories…that's what frightened me more.
Mr. D and Chiron were sitting in the parlor playing a card game. I went up to Mr. D's side of the table.
"You're late," our camp director commented before I could speak.
"I'm sorry—" I started quickly, but Mr. D cleared his throat, giving me a look out of the corners of his eyes, reminding me of the rules he'd laid down.
I quickly dropped to one knee, crossing my arm over my chest, almost like I was putting a hand to my heart to say the pledge of allegiance, except my hand was resting at my shoulder and not my heart. I bowed my head.
"I apologize for the indiscretion, my Lord," I recited. "It won't happen again."
There was a moment's pause before Mr. D said, "At ease."
As I stood up, Mr. D pulled a card from the ones in his hand and flipped it, like how a magician does, the numbers and shapes disappearing to show the picture of a silver goblet. The rim was decorated with deep purple gems. The picture reminded me of how tarot cards were drawn. He laid it down on the table, pushing it toward me, and I picked it up, looking at the picture.
"This belongs to me," Mr. D said, going back to his game. "But it's gone missing. My sources tell me it was last seen in the Underworld. I'd like for you to retrieve it for me."
"The Underworld?" I asked, my eyes going from the card to Mr. D, whose own eyes had flickered back to me.
"Yes," he said in a measured tone, purple fire lighting up his eyes for the smallest of moments. "I'm assuming you already know how to get there?"
His question brought me back to the night I'd gone with Luke to the Underworld and we had used the pathway Orpheus had created.
I nodded, my demons rattling in their cage yet again.
Mr. D's eyes went back to the card game. "Because I'm feeling particularly generous, Argus will drive you into the city. From there, you're on your own. I want that goblet returned to me by this time tomorrow. Are we understood?"
I kneeled again and said, "Yes, my Lord." before standing and starting to head out. Mr. D cleared his throat again and I backtracked, facing our activities director. I kneeled respectfully, "Chiron." As I started to leave, I noticed Chiron giving Mr. D a look, but, as per usual, Mr. D ignored him and continued their game.
Argus was waiting for me on the porch.
"I'm just going to grab a few things," I told him, heading down the steps and back toward the cabins, which was now set up in the Greek letter Omega: Ω. Construction of new cabins was still going on, but it was nearing completion.
After I came back to camp, because this place wouldn't be able to live without gossip, I'd heard how Percy had turned down immortality and instead asked all the gods to recognize their children before or when they turned thirteen. And that the minor gods be welcomed and recognized more on Olympus and at camp. So construction for new cabins began immediately. Nico even had a cabin. It reminded me of the black palace on Mount Othrys—black as night, obsidian. It also reminded me of Nico's offer about the shadows.
Anyway, kids who'd been crammed into the Hermes cabin were being claimed every day. Satyrs were bringing in more and more half-bloods, working overtime.
With the rush of new-comers, camp was teeming with life. Way more than I'd ever seen in all my five years. It was almost overwhelming, but I found it was also almost comforting. I could get lost in the energy and buzz of all the people, lose myself for a few moments. And for a few moments, lose the ache in my chest that was always there when I returned.
I jogged past regulars going to their daily activities, and others guiding the wide-eyed newbies around as I made my way back to the Apollo cabin.
Will, the new head counselor, was waiting for me. He stood up from his bed as soon as I entered and held out a backpack. He and the rest of the my cabin were the only ones who knew about my punishment—which also meant they knew what that entailed and how I was to take Mr. D's words as gospel.
As much as this camp thrived on gossip, this was one thing that was to be kept secret. Mr. D had made me swear on the River Styx I wouldn't go talking about my trial and the decision (not that I wanted to). I assumed he had also made the Apollo cabin swear, too.
I don't know what the others in the camp thought, me being still alive, but at this point I didn't really care. I'd spent at least three years letting them think I was a traitor, it wasn't like what they thought really mattered anymore.
"Hey, shouldn't you be practicing archery with our other siblings?" I asked, taking the backpack from him. Even though I knew he wouldn't have left anything out, I checked for all the necessities anyway: ambrosia, nectar, water, bandages (just in case), and an extra dagger. My dagger was already strapped in its sheath at my ankle, my sword already at my side. Those two things had become part of my morning routine. Get up, get dressed, weapons.
"I stayed back to see you off," Will said. "Besides, I'm terrible at archery." He made a face.
"If you don't practice you won't get better," I sang, throwing the backpack over my shoulders.
Will rolled his eyes. "I'll come with you to get a bow and quiver of arrows," he said, pointing to the door. "So, you're first…assignment," he said as we exited and headed over to the armor.
I snorted. "You're being too generous. Anything Mr. D ever tells me from now on is an order that I can't refuse."
"Where are you going?"
I had to take a deep breath before answering. "The Underworld." It became quiet between us. I knew Will was worried about me. He was always looking at me like at any moment I was going to break. And he'd tried to hide it from me, but I knew he'd been reading up on psychology and mental disorders. Maybe not completely for my sake, there were others at camp that might need counseling, but I think he'd started because of how I'd acted the first week after Luke had—
The numbness hadn't reappeared after Dan said goodbye and went back to his apartment. He said he could stay at camp until the summer ended, help take care of things, but I knew that he was usually busy over the summer with his involvement in theater and his job. I didn't want him to just drop his life to come back to this one. So I promised him that I'd Iris Message him if I wanted to talk or needed him for any reason. I assured him that if I didn't, one of our siblings would.
I suppose the numbness hadn't completely gone away. I could still feel it there, like a light fog—ever present like the pain in my chest. I could feel that pain and other emotions too, but they were subdued, dimmed. It was almost like an anesthetic that only half worked. And I couldn't find it in me to express these emotions, either. Just feeling my emotions felt draining enough. The energy it took to keep that cage locked during the day, when I had to put on a show, be whole because the gods had kept me alive to break me, was exhausting. I didn't have the energy for much else that wasn't life-or-death.
When we arrived at the armory, we paused in front of the doors for a moment before opening them and going inside. We each grabbed a bow and quiver of arrows before exiting. I took in all the campers running around, at their activities, the fresh air, the blue skies, the smell of baking strawberries, the golden sunlight. It wasn't like I hadn't encountered more dangerous things, but this was only the beginning of more "errands" I was going to be running for Mr. D.
My life was about to change drastically. Not that it hadn't already.
"You be good, Will," I said, throwing the quiver and bow over my shoulder.
"Don't do anything rash, okay," Will responded, shouldering his quiver, but keeping his bow in his hands. "Come back to us. You'll always have a home in the Apollo cabin."
I managed a small smile. "Thanks, Will." I made no promises of return.
Will pulled me into an unexpected hug. It was quick and when he pulled back, he swiftly turned and started heading down toward the archery range without another word or a backward glance. But he hadn't turned fast enough when he'd pulled away, his eyes were rimmed red and filled with tears.
I watched him be swallowed up by the rest of the campers before going to Half-Blood Hill. Peleus was wrapped around Thalia's pine tree. The Golden Fleece still hanging at the lowest bough. I looked down at the road to see Argus waiting next to the car.
With one last look at camp, I made my way down the hill.
The ride into the city was quick, but I wasn't going to the Underworld entrance just yet. I wanted make a quick stop first. Argus looked at me through the rearview mirror warily, knowing that I only had 24 hours, and considering that time works differently in magical places, I was taking a risk, but I didn't care.
Thankfully, Argus didn't put up a fight. He drove to where I wanted him to go. I made my way through the gravestones, Argus following a few feet behind. I hadn't been here since the funeral, but I still knew exactly where her grave was. I had to wonder where her friends were, if they'd ever inquired about me and Dan or if the Mist had stopped them.
A fresh bouquet of crocuses, calla lilies, and pink carnations rested in front of the gravestone, so I knew Dan had been here recently. I stopped in front of the grave, going up and setting the single yellow tulip I'd gotten from a street-side stand before I came here on the top. I stepped back and read the engraving:
Lucia Stella Williams
Beloved mother and friend.
I thought the second part was a little generic, but not wrong.
A different ache in my chest joined the other one and I sighed. The wind picked up at that moment, carrying the noise away from me, ruffling my hair, bringing flashbacks with it—the time on the canoe lake when I'd almost had my first kiss with my best friend, when I'd first found out Luke had been working for Kronos.
I felt my eyes tear up.
I blinked to dispel them as the winds died down and brought my thoughts back to this moment.
Standing there, I almost felt bad for not visiting her more often, but it wasn't really like I had the chance to. Just being here was dangerous for me. It was mostly desolate, quiet. With the summer winds, my smell would be reaching who knew how many monsters in the vicinity. I couldn't stay long. I also kind of had that thing for Mr. D, so.
I turned toward Argus. "Okay, let's go."
He dropped me off outside on of the many entrances to Central Park. I thanked him and began my search for the entrance. It was the middle of the day, but I figured the Mist would help conceal not just my weapons but also me disappearing into a pile of rocks.
When I found it, I hummed a quiet little tune. Just like last time they rumbled and slid open to reveal a dark tunnel. I looked around just to make sure—no one was paying any attention to me. I looked back at the black hole, my memory of that night threatening to take over my senses completely.
The cage rattled, loud and rough, but I gritted my teeth and fought to keep them locked away. Fought to keep the pain contained.
With a one last deep, controlled breath, I descended into darkness.
"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." Isaac Asimov
All right, guys. There you have it! I hope this ending was all right. I didn't realize how hard it would be to write it until I actually started writing it. Not just because I've worked on this story for a little over a year and almost don't want to finish it, but also because I didn't quite know how to end it. Like, I don't want to leave off on a cliff-hanger, but there's really no way to end this with finality without killing her, which, as you have read, I opted not to do. So…open-ended it is! Then there's the problem of writing a satisfying open-ending…blah, blah, blah.
The title's probably vague, but I took it from that saying, "To Hell and back." (I know so original.)
Lastly, I want to thank all my wonderful readers for sticking with me to the end (of the line). Especially when I went abroad. All your favorites, follows, and comments really helped me keep writing. I can't believe it's been a little over a year and that this is 43 chapters! It's been an amazing journey, and I hope you'll join me for the next installment (whenever that may be)!
Thank you for reading,
TheBrightestNight