Chapter Text
The rain was cold as it spilled from the lazy gray clouds that hung overhead. It seemed as if the weather itself had taken note of your dreadful mood and had altered to match it.
Your heart felt as heavy as the waterlogged trees appeared with their drooping, dripping branches. The weight of your decision was like your own personal gray cloud, hanging over your head with an air of dread and heartbreak.You didn’t want to do this. You didn’t want to walk through those café doors. You didn’t want to look at his brown eyes, so warm and full of bright light, as you told him the only words that could dampen the sunshine that he embodied.
You didn’t want to. But you had to.
You couldn’t keep it up, couldn’t continue to look him in the eyes across the dinner table as he retold the tales of his day with an upbeat energy despite the exhaustion you knew had taken residence just past the blinding light of his smile.
You had known from the beginning that he was settling to be with you. You knew that he could do better, so much better, than you with your fear of commitment and dark clouds of doubt that seemed to cling to you tightly even when you had your personal sun trying to chase them away.
You had never expected someone like him to enter your life. You had never expected it to last as long as it had. And you had certainly never expected to be blessed with a blissful few months of genuine happiness. Because, true to his reputation, Hoseok had been your sun. Where you were the cold, dead brown of winter, bringing down everything you touched, Hoseok was the warm, vibrant sun of spring, lifting everything that happened to fall within his proximity.
For the first time in years you had truly felt alive. All thanks to Hoseok.
But at what cost?
You knew he would never admit it, but you could see how tired he was. You could see how the daily practices for the comeback dimmed his light with exhaustion, yet you were still selfish enough to ask him to spend time with you on his days off. Instead of making him rest you were taking him to carnivals and movies. You took the tiny reserves of his energy that remained and wasted them on frivilous things that amounted to nothing in the end.
It sickens you to think that you had been so greedy with someone as generous as Hoseok. Though, it was difficult to stay away from someone as welcoming as him. Hugging Hoseok was like bathing in the soothing light of a warm summer day. Kissing Hoseok was breathing in the tranquility of a summer evening. He was comfort and reassurance and laughter and silly dances in the early hours of the morning. He was your everything.
Which was why you had to put an end to your careless ways. No longer would your desires come before his needs. You were going to set him free. It was for the best.
Or so you told yourself over and over again as you escaped the freezing rain by entering the warmth of the café. You made your way through the busy coffee shop, glad that the hum of the other conversations would mask the one you were about to have. You had to take a deep, steadying breath before you met his shining eyes with yours. You felt heavy with the guilt that had been slowly building over the past few weeks.
He greeted you with a hug as always, the scent that was uniquely Hoseok clung to his skin and you could tell by the slight dampness of his hair that he had just showered. He must have come straight from practice. If the shower wasn’t proof enough, then the slight tightening of the skin around his eyes and the dark patches that had bloomed in the hollows beneath were a dead giveaway of his exhaustion.
“Y/N, you’re here!” Hoseok greeted as you pulled away from the hug.
Thankfully you were oddly detached as you stared back at him, otherwise you might have lost all of your resolve at the unwarranted compassion in his gaze.
Hoseok had always been too good for you, the pit in your stomach that formed at the sight of his concerned smile only confirmed it.
“Y/N? What’s wrong? You’re not getting sick again, are you?” His eyes widened with worry as he finally took in your haggard appearance.
You couldn’t bring yourself to speak, knowing that your voice would break if you tried to speak while he was look at you with such care.
“Y/N…” Hoseok’s smile slowly drops into a frown with your continued silence.
You can feel guilt slipping into your features as you continue to stare at him in silence, giving him a clear view that this was not a normal meet-up for lunch.
“This is it, isn’t it?” Hoseok’s voice was nearly a whisper as his suddenly desperate eyes searched your face.
“Hoseok…” You breathed his name out of surprise. How had he guessed your intention so quickly?
“No, don’t ‘Hoseok’ me. Explain. What’s wrong? Did…” He hesitated, his voice breaking on the final word. “Did I do something?” He finished, his voice almost too soft to hear and tight with emotion.
“No.” You replied softly, your eyes dropping to the space between your feet and his. “No, you didn’t do anything, Hoseok.”
“Then why?” His voice cracked harshly and you could see that his eyes were shining. You couldn’t bring yourself to meet his gaze. You had never been able to handle Hoseok’s tears without breaking down yourself.
“I know this sounds so, so cliché… but it’s not you, it’s me.”
Hoseok stared at you blankly.
“Bullshit.” The harsh tone of his voice made you flinch back. Hoseok’s eyes had hardened and he was staring at you with an intensity you had never experienced from him before. “Don’t try and feed me that line, Y/N. Tell me the truth. If you’re going to end this, then you owe me at least the truth.”
You swallowed harshly, but you couldn’t seem to get past the tight lump that had formed in your throat.
When you didn’t reply quickly enough Hoseok spoke again, “Please, Y/N.” He took two quick steps toward you and his hands wrapped around your arms. His grip was firm and his eyes were urgent as they search yours. “I love you, please just tell me what’s wrong.”
You couldn’t handle the way his eyes bore into yours so you kept your gaze firmly on the fabric his shirt that was stretched over his shoulder. “I…” You started, ready to let loose the flimsy excuses that you had thrown together in the event that he put up a fight, but you quickly realized that those would never be enough to satisfy him. To make him move on. To make him forget. To make him happy.
You knew the only way to get the clean break that he...that you both needed…was to play into what he already feared was true despite the sheer ridiculousness of the notion.
You knew the one insecurity Hoseok held about your relationship. He had revealed it to you one night after a little too much champagne had made its way into both of your systems.
For some absurd reason, Hoseok thought you would grow bored of him. You had never been one to stick in one spot for long. You had moved around the country more times than you could count just to avoid any problematic attachments to the people in one area. Of course you had assured Hoseok countless times that you would never grow bored of him. You had never felt inclined to stay in one area in your entire life, but you were more willing to spend the rest of your life in one spot if it meant being with Hoseok. Unfortunately...or perhaps fortunately for the current situation...he had never once believed you entirely when you said that you were more than perfectly content to be by his side.
It was a low blow, you knew. But the look in his eyes as he held you in front of him...you knew you had no other choice.
“Why do you think, Hoseok?” You snapped suddenly, letting the pain in your heart show itself in the form of a harsh tone of voice. “I’m tired of being tied down to someone who will never be able to commit.” And here was where you knew how to force him to let you leave, to play on his other source of guilt.
“You’re never around Hobi.” You explained, your eyes still firmly locked on his shirt rather than his face. “I’ve sacrificed a lot to stay here with you. And for what? A boyfriend that is never around? A boyfriend that can’t take me out on dates because he is too busy with his group every waking hour of the day?” You braved a glance at his face in an attempt to add emphasis to your lies. It was mistake to meet his eyes, though. They were red and puffy with his shed and unshed tears. His gaze was heartbroken and your heart ached at the sight.
You had to try so desperately to remind yourself that this would be the best for him in the long run.
You felt your own tears prick at the back of your eyelids as you tried to find your voice to continue , “You know I deserve better. You deserve better. So that’s why…”
“No, Y/N, please don’t do this! Please!” Hoseok pled, the tears he had been holding back making an appearance in the process.
“It’s too late, Hoseok. I’ve made up my mind.” You wiggled your shoulders out of his grasp with little effort. His grip had gone slack with your words.
“We’re over, Hoseok. I’m sorry.” Your voice was miraculously firm and clear as you spoke the suddenly very final words.
You knew you wouldn’t survive seeing the look on Hoseok’s face, so the second the words left your lips you turned on your heel and walked away with what little bit of dignity you had salvaged.
You tried pretend that the sound of Hoseok’s broken sob didn’t shatter your heart into irreparable pieces. You tried to pretend that you didn’t collapse against the wall of a building the second you rounded a corner. You tried to pretend that you didn’t spend the next half hour falling apart on the side of the street.You tried to pretend that you would be okay.
Hoseok could do nothing but watch you walk away. He was too stunned by your final words.
In a way, he had seen this coming. You hadn’t been yourself for the past few weeks. There had been something in the way you had looked at him, something about the light missing from your eyes. He hadn’t wanted to believe it. He had hoped it was simply the extra stress that the comeback had put on everyone.
He had never expected...that.
He had never expected...the end.
He tried to convince himself that it was for the best, that you would be better off without him tying you to an unsatisfying relationship. The guilt of not being able to always be with you had eaten away at him everyday.
Yes, this was for the best.