Chapter Text
Buck was not having a good time right now, and it was because of Eddie. Eddie had been gone for almost a week, and Buck missed him terribly. Ravi was great to work with, but he was not Eddie. It felt awkwardly similar to the time when Eddie quit his job to become a first responder. As much as Buck understood the reasons like a grown adult, he hated that period and tried not to dwell on it too much. It had been a long time since he realized that he depended on the Diaz boys, and he was fine with that as long as they wanted him to be there. Come to think of it, he was the one who entered their life by introducing Carla to them and becoming friends with Christopher, and he was lucky that they accepted him and didn’t see his actions as overstepping. The Diaz family really gave him a sense of purpose beyond being a firefighter. Sadly, Buck also knew that this happy little family he had right now wasn’t going to last forever. Once Eddie found a wife he loved and a perfect mother for Chris, he would have to step down. And he was okay with that. On the other side, he would need to build a family of his own. For a long time, he thought he was too broken to have a happy family, the opposite of what he had as a child. However, his messed-up home life made him too needy and difficult for most women to handle. Plus, after witnessing how much trauma Maddie went through with Doug, he was almost convinced that the Buckley siblings were too far gone to have a normal, happy family. But things were different now; Maddie found Chim. Even though there were more than the normal amount of hardships compared to regular couples, they pulled through and got married in the end. Buck was so proud of her and hoped for something similar one day. Then there was Tommy; they had been dating for a couple of months now, and things were great. After the initial novelty and excitement of dating a man for the first time had passed, they had found a suitable routine to fit their busy schedules as firefighters. Sometimes they went out to eat at restaurants, but most of the time, they dined in at either his or Tommy’s place. Buck was often the one who cooked since Tommy's cooking skills were, at best, on par with Eddie's—edible. But they would just relax on the couches, exchange stories they encountered during shifts, and laugh at each other’s ridiculous experiences. Overall, dating Tommy was surprisingly similar to hanging out with Eddie. Being with another firefighter certainly made things a lot smoother because they understood each other more and knew the magnitude and risks of their jobs. On top of that, both Eddie and Chris seemed to like Tommy, and it was the first time he let them close to the person he was dating, so Buck had high hopes for this relationship with Tommy, and he wanted to make it work. Nevertheless, his mind often wandered about the future, whether his partner would want to have kids together and if they would like to have a more or less traditional family that Buck had been longing for since he was a kid. Buck had to stop himself before thinking too deeply and worrying himself.
And then his thoughts wandered back to Eddie. Ever since the wedding, Eddie had been acting a bit oddly. Buck noticed that he would tense up a bit whenever Buck put his arms around him, and he would relax into his touch right after. Also, he recently broke up with Marisol. Although it didn’t alarm Buck as much as his relationship with Ana, it still sucked. Buck was more worried about the Catholic guilt things Eddie brought up months ago. As funny and unserious as when Eddie told him at the station’s gym, Buck still read up on it on Wikipedia. He didn’t understand much about it, as he wasn’t raised in a religious household, but what he did know was that Catholic guilt was certainly not good for one’s mental state and contributed to mental issues like depression and anger issues, which Eddie did have, and he didn’t handle mental stress well last time. Seeing Eddie breaking down and crying helplessly was probably the worst thing Buck had ever experienced, and he had promised himself never to let it happen again. Buck was happy that Eddie decided to take some days off, but taking Chris back to Texas voluntarily was not expected. Eddie had avoided that place like the plague, so why would he want to go back there? When he was still deep in thought, the fire alarm went off. Buck sighed deeply and got up to save lives.
After his shift, Buck met up with Tommy at his place. Buck opened the door as soon as he heard the bell ring. Tommy was dressed in a simple black t-shirt and jeans, and his hair was curled up and still a bit damp, which made him more attractive than usual. It looked like he had come to Buck’s place right after showering at home. Buck couldn’t help but step closer to hug Tommy.
“Hey,” Buck sighed deeply.
“Hey,” Tommy chuckled while patting his back.
They hadn’t planned anything specific to do that night, and Buck was too physically and emotionally drained to cook anything, so they ordered Chinese takeout. Afterward, as usual, they picked a movie on Netflix and simply cuddled up on the sofa to enjoy the quiet night. Although Buck had picked the movie that he had wanted to watch for a while, he simply couldn’t focus on what was playing on the screen.
“You’re quiet tonight,” Tommy's voice startled him a bit.
Buck turned his head to look at him. “Sorry, must be tired,” he laughed nervously.
“Something is bothering you, isn’t it?” Tommy was good at reading people, especially Buck, who was basically an open book. Buck wasn’t used to sharing his feelings with his ex-girlfriends since they weren’t particularly interested. However, Tommy cared about it, and Tommy's demeanor was calm and comforting, which encouraged Buck to share.
After a few minutes, he said, “Well, you know, Eddie and Chris went back to Texas to visit his family.”
“And that’s a bad thing because?”
“It’s completely out of character for Eddie,” Buck let out a frustrated sigh. He hesitated about telling Tommy about Eddie’s family issues, but right now, he needed to talk to someone before he went crazy. “He was on thin ice with his parents for years, and he particularly didn’t want them around Chris too much. He even brought Chris to hide out at my place when his parents came to visit.” Buck smirked, thinking about the time when Eddie and Chris had slept over at his place. Buck would have been excited like a schoolgirl. Lost in his thoughts, he murmured, “he even put me in his will to be Chris’s legal guardian if anything happened to him, so his parents wouldn’t have a chance to take Chris back to Texas…”
Tommy’s expression shifted from calm to somewhat surprised. “Wait, he put you in his will?”
Buck realized that Tommy was the first person to know about Eddie’s will and how it might be weird for someone who wasn’t familiar with Eddie’s situation. “Yes, but it's not like his parents are bad. It's just that Eddie didn’t want Chris to grow up in that kind of environment, and he thought living in LA would be the best since Chris had his family and friends here. And he couldn’t rely on his Abuela and Tia because they were getting old. So I’m the last resort for him to take care of Chris…” Buck started rambling, trying to explain the situation as best as he could.
Eventually, he slowed down and looked up at Tommy, who was listening with a slightly astounded expression. Buck had never questioned Eddie’s decision to put him in his will, nor had he worried about what others might think of it. He was surprised at first but felt honored that Eddie trusted him enough to do so. Yet, it probably would be a good idea to bring this up to Tommy before anything got too serious between them. “Is… is that weird?” he asked.
Tommy only looked at him with an expression that he couldn’t quite describe, then shook his head slightly. “No, it’s not. I just didn’t realize how close you and Eddie are?” he paused, “Again, not everyone could have this kind of friend in their life.”
At the mention of their friendship, Buck lit up with a bright grin. “I couldn’t imagine my life without Eddie and Chris.”
Tommy also smiled at Buck, but his face turned more serious. “Hey, Buck. May I ask you a personal question?”
“Eh? Of course.” Buck wasn’t quite sure about the change of subject.
“What do you think about Eddie?”
“What do I think?” Buck questioned.
“Just tell me what’s the first thing that comes into your mind when you think of him.”
Buck didn’t know where Tommy was getting at, but he wouldn’t mind talking about Eddie at any chance. He answered, “Well, he is great! A great dad and a freaking good firefighter. Do you know that he pulled a grenade out of a guy’s leg? And his hands didn’t even shake! Cool, right?” Buck said excitedly. Years had passed since those days, yet every time he thought of Eddie, who was laser-focused and super badass in that ambulance, he couldn’t help but feel a shiver down his spine.
“It certainly was quite an experience,” Tommy chuckled, “then what do you think of me?”
Now, Buck was even more confused, but still answered, “You’re cool too. A badass pilot! You flew a helicopter into a hurricane, and I thought it only happened in movies.” Buck stopped briefly and tilted his head, “And you flirt so effortlessly. You have so much rizz, even I was jealous of it.” Buck blushed while saying it sheepishly.
Tommy let out a laugh, “I don’t even know what that is, but I will take it as a compliment,” and he continued, “I can see there are a lot of similarities between me and Eddie based on what you described. If I were insecure, I would be jealous that my boyfriend gives someone else so much praise or has your heart already.”
“Have my heart? Eddie? Why would you say that? Eddie is my best friend, and you’re my boyfriend. It’s different.” Buck remarked.
“Is it? From what I heard, they are quite the same,” he paused to look at Buck, who was looking at him with confusion. He went on, “There are not many distinctions between a platonic friendship and a romantic relationship. You meet someone you like, you want to be around them, you want to make them happy, and you desire to be in their life.”
“But it’s different. I kissed you, and I liked it. I didn’t…”
“But do you want to?” Tommy said as if he knew what Buck was going to say.
Buck was about to say no because it was what you were supposed to say to your romantic partner when you were asked this type of question. However, the memory of the night when Tommy kissed him flashed in his mind. He didn’t expect Tommy to show up that night at all, and he thought it would be Eddie because Eddie was the one who would come to his place in the middle of the night unannounced. He looked back on that night, but this time, instead of Tommy, it was Eddie who was standing in front of him; it was Eddie who moved forward and kissed him gently on his lips. Buck could feel his heart rate speed up, and the butterflies in his stomach, and he blushed.
“Yes, I do want to…” Buck looked down at his hands, too ashamed to look at Tommy.
“He was an attractive guy, and I would too if I were you,” Tommy said, trying to lighten up the mood.
In fact, Buck knew Eddie was very attractive with his Latin features, strong jaw, and big brown eyes. Buck thought back to the first time he saw Eddie. He was mesmerized by how good-looking Eddie looked. And he acted like a jerk because of his insecurity, just like how he acted at the basketball court to get Tommy’s attention or maybe Eddie’s or maybe both. He didn’t know anymore. And when he thought about his future on quiet nights alone in his loft, he thought about Eddie and Chris; when he got off long shifts, he wished to go back to Eddie’s house so they could cuddle up while watching movies; he wanted Eddie to smile and laugh more because of him; and what he wanted was more than a friend.
At the moment of realization, desperation also dawned on him. He was in love with his best friend who might never return his feelings. “Fuck!” then he remembered that Tommy was still there, looking at him knowingly.
“I am so sorry, Tommy. I really like you…”
“Yes, I know,” Tommy smiled bitterly. He was waiting for Buck to say it.
“But I am in love with Eddie.” Buck finally let out a sob.
It felt like something heavy was lifted up in his heart, and he couldn’t believe that everything turned out this way.
“I screwed it up so bad. I promised to do it with you, and now I let you down again.”
Buck was still in his mind and didn’t realize that Tommy shifted forward and kissed him lightly on his forehead.
“Don’t guilt yourself into it. I kinda know what I got myself into when I decided to kiss you. It sucks that it didn’t work out, but I didn’t regret it one bit. It was wonderful while it lasted,” he comforted Buck.
Buck could only nod.
Tommy made sure that Buck was fine to be alone afterward and decided to leave.
“See you around, Buck,” he said lightly. But they both knew it was the end of it.