Chapter Text

"Of all ghosts, the ghosts of our old loves are the worst"

Arthur Conan Doyle,  Sherlock Holmes.

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Kit gazed out the window of his new room at the bright, pale blue sky, the trees standing majestically, the flowers surrounding the perimeter gently swaying in the wind that barely blew strong enough to move the most fragile leaves; everything here was green, damp, and cold. If he were completely honest, England had a certain charm about it; it wasn't what he had expected, full of gray landscapes and incessant rain. The weather hadn't been one of his biggest concerns in recent days, but for a moment he thought he would never see the sun again. But this was different. The fog covering the forest and the surrounding area gave the little light that managed to filter through a sense of mystery, as if it were a painting from another world. It was almost romant... magical. In California, the sun was overwhelming, turning the beaches, the sky, and everything in general into a golden hue, as if it had some kind of filter that was too bright to look away because it was dazzling. Here, everything seemed more alive. It's not that it didn't rain a lot, because it did, but it was still hard to get used to feeling the cold. But the rain filled everything with vegetation, even the tree branches, the rocks, and most surfaces were green, covered in moss or small ferns that grew endlessly. The colors were pure and vibrant on sunny days, while on gray days, everything seemed to glow too brightly, like the pair of eyes that seemed to be in the weeds, but that was probably just a mirage. The gray days were beautiful, just like any other day, but they brought back memories he didn't want, ghosts that haunted him, of what had been and what could never be... of what he had lost...

Ty's eyes haunted his dreams. He always had nightmares, varied ones, ranging from seeing his father being dismembered, to begging on his knees drowning in his own tears, to being dismembered by fairies so furious and terrifying. But still, nothing woke him up crying like dreaming about Ty during the day. Some things always reminded him of him. Tessa's eyes, for example, were something he avoided looking at, and it wasn't that he was rude, he just couldn't stand it. If anyone asked her, she could easily list the differences between Tessa's and Ty's eyes, like how Tessa's were a darker gray than Ty's silver, or how despite both containing intelligence, Tessa's displayed a kind of tiredness and also the typical parental concern, while Ty's seemed eager to know more about the world. They had always been lit with wonder. Even when looking at him. He had also avoided looking at books much; he loved reading, but his mind was in complete reader's block. Also didn't want to go out exploring; that wasn't his thing. Only do it a couple of times to keep Ty company, and right now he had no interest in doing so. Sighing, he turned around, searching for anything to push those thoughts away and found himself thinking about Tessa and Jem. They would soon be parents, although in a way they both already were, they were becoming his parents. Kit felt protected with them. They were good to him, in fact, he felt loved and happy. They had also done everything in their power to ensure that he didn't feel pressured to be a Shadowhunter in a way he hadn't felt with anyone else. He hadn't felt entirely safe with his father, always feeling followed and watched. But here in Devon, it was different. His life was changing, but he still didn't know if it was entirely for the better. Kit threw himself down on his bed, a little tired of tidying his room. It had been the busiest few weeks of his life since he moved out, not to mention the emotional part. Just the day before, Kit had helped Tessa and Jem finish moving and storing all their belongings into what would become their home. After a talk where they'd told him he was the most important possession in the house, after catching him staring at all the valuables, he hadn't really thought about running away, not since that night... but he hadn't thought he needed to be told he was welcome in their lives and home. For people over a hundred, Tessa and Jem were incredibly sweet to him. He felt right at home, even though he hadn't expected it, just as he didn't expect them to be good with technology. But they liked to pretend they weren't just to spend more time with him. Tessa was the kindest, most good natured person, and for some reason she always seemed to be watching out, not as if he was a threat she had made that clear, but genuinely concerned for his well-being, Kit sometimes forgot that even though she looked nineteen Tessa had already been a mother, a mother of two Herondales actually, so he supposed that she reminded him of his first children, and that he could probably sense there was something he wasn't telling them, but he didn't know how to handle what he'd done. He'd run away with them just to escape his feelings, his mistakes.

Carefully, he unfolded the piece of paper that had belonged to a Shadowhunter in a past life and studied it, the two surnames still standing out in the black ink on the almost transparent paper. He was sure it would crumble after they found it.

Herondale Blackthorn

Intertwined again and again, as if in a spell… Unable to help it, her hands began to tremble, so she quickly put it away. But the memories had already arrived.

Tiberius Blackthorn… Ty… although on the night of Magnus and Alec's wedding, Kit had promised herself that she would remember him, happy and smiling. There were times when the memory of his sobs by Lake Lynn made wish with all his heart that he could go back in time and, instead of standing there watching him fall apart, hold him and protect him from what he would be feeling, that had done something different. At times like these, his heart ached with pain, and he couldn't help but think that he had done something very wrong. Some nights, that memory crept into her dreams, and she inevitably woke up to her screams, calling for someone who would never be there. But his heart had also suffered too much that night... knowing that his feelings weren't reciprocated, that love was also a double-edged sword and he had tried to stop it, alone, he hadn't been good enough... wasn't enough for Ty... hadn't been, and the fact that Ty hadn't sought him out all this time was further proof of that. He knew firsthand that Ty didn't give up on something he cared about or cared about. Sometimes he played with the idea of ​​sending him a letter and asking: Was I really nothing to you? Were we friends? Did you just watch me because I was the newest thing in your world? What am I to you? Do you miss me? Do you think about me, or have you forgotten me already? Am I that easy to forget? Will you forget me? Do you want to see me again? Do you know that I think I'll love you forever? Do you know that I'm sure I love you? Isn't that silly? Am I a fool for thinking about you? Will you see me again...? Will you ever love me...?  

But he didn't have the courage or the strength to put those feelings down on paper, and if he did, he'd probably regret it later.

“Kit…”

His thoughts were interrupted by a soft voice coming from downstairs. Lazily got up and headed downstairs, but stopped dead in her tracks when realized with amazement that there were more than three people in that house.

Jace Herondale, along with his parabatai and his parabatai's family, were there. Kit hadn't realized how much missed Alec and Magnus until saw them, there in their new home. Jace stood in the middle of the room, looking radiant with his curls a shade darker than Kit's. Alec sat next to Tessa and Jem on the couch, while Magnus leaned comfortably against the wall, his children on the floor in front of them.

“Christopher”.

Jace's golden eyes took on a warm hue as he greeted him, giving them the appearance of molten gold. As a smile spread across his face, Kit realized that Jace was his only other family. Unsure of what to do, he extended his hand in greeting to the other blond in the room and was surprised to be enveloped in a warm hug.

“I'm glad you're with your family, Kit.”

“I'm glad to be with family too,” Kit responded quickly. He watched Jem and Tessa smile fondly at him from the couch they shared with Alec.

“Family is always hard to find, but we have it with the people who love us,” he said, nodding his chin at Tessa, Jem, and Alec, “and with the people we love.”

She finished as she raised her left hand and showed him a ring. She heard Tessa gasp and Jem offer congratulations. Kit didn't immediately understand until she realized it was the Fairchild family ring. That meant Jace and Clary were engaged.

“Congratulations!”

“But when did that happen?”

Tessa's voice was curious, and it was clear that the news made her happy. What Kit, Jem, or Tessa didn't expect was for Alec and Magnus to snort in annoyance...

A few minutes later, they learned the story of how Jace and Clary had escaped Magnus and Alec's wedding to get engaged...

“You abandoned your Consul and parabatai on their wedding day! Really?”

Jem seemed genuinely amazed but happy. After that anecdote, the afternoon passed quickly, between news of the Clave in exile, the upcoming Carstairs baby, and the like, but Kit had noticed Magnus's cat-like eyes watching him curiously, as if trying to know what he was thinking. Kit knew he might want to talk to him about Ragnor and how she'd met him or something, so he didn't think anything of it.

It was almost time for lunch when Jace's cell phone started ringing. He'd practically stumbled outside to answer it after announcing it was Clary calling.

“All Herondales tend to fall in love in a tragic way. Don't they?”

Jem's comment had been completely innocent and unintentional, but Kit's heart ached in a way she hadn't expected; it froze, but fortunately no one had noticed because they had laughed in agreement at Jem's words. But Kit couldn't smile again so easily.

The meal was moderately chaotic, but fun, with Rafe and Max yelling that they didn't want vegetables, a tip given by Uncle Jace, and Alec and Magnus trying to get them to eat them. The fight had ended thanks to Tessa, who, thanks to her maternal instinct, had convinced the little ones to eat. And that had triggered more memories that Kit hastily tried to sweep away, Julian taking care of his siblings, Tavvy, Dru, Li... Ty.

“I'm sure they're great parents, but sometimes the Herondales can cause unnecessary chaos, especially when the children are young.”

Tessa said, shifting her gray eyes from Jace to Kit and back again. And so Alec had talked about how Jace had stuffed Max into a gun bag to try to get him out on patrol.

Kit noticed that every time Alec spoke, Tessa seemed to get lost in her memories for a moment. He knew why: Alec was almost the spitting image of Will Herondale, the idiot who had marked most of the books in the London Institute's library and one of the reasons he was caring for Jem and Tessa. He was a former parabatai and husband, respectively. They had told her many stories about the Herondales, according to Jem, to prevent them from being lost in the future. But sometimes Tessa still got so sad that it was hard to accept those stories without thinking.

It was getting dark when Alec had suggested making a fire for dinner, something quickly seconded by his parabatai and children; even Kit had enthusiastically agreed. Tessa and Jem were delighted to have visitors, partly because they knew it would be good for Kit. Tessa and Magnus had conjured a few things to make everyone comfortable, while the rest of them played around the campfire, but Kit sat alone, watching the magical fire.

Remembering the first and last campfire he'd ever been to. "To never being separated," Ty's voice echoed inside his head. He'd toasted Ty to something neither of them had been able to keep...

“We should do this in New York sometime, after we go to the Scholomancer.”

Jem's voice pulled him from his thoughts of campfires and broken promises. His eyes went straight to Jem, who was sitting a few feet away from him.

“Are we going to the Scholomancer?” The question came out in a whisper; the Scholomancer was a particularly difficult subject for Kit, considering Ty. “Why?”

“We have to go. Catarina's busy there, and we need her checkups for the baby, but we'll also go to New York for a few days in the meantime, since they need us at the Academy too.”

Tessa said as she sat next to Jem and gave him a warm smile.

“Well, we need knowledgeable Shadowhunters, and you and Jem are some of the wisest. Even though you're not really active anymore, you're helping us, and it's always good to have more knowledge.”

Alec responded quickly as he approached Jace to signal for them to sit next to him. While Alec engaged in conversation with Jem, Jace's golden eyes bored into Kit's, as if wanting to know what he was thinking.

“It'll be good for you, too. You could improve your Shadowhunter training a bit. As a Herondale, you should be in very good condition and be one of the best,” Jace said, plopping down beside him. “Besides, you'll have the opportunity to mingle with Shadowhunters your own age.  You could make friends or visit the elders, I…”He lowered his voice even further. “I thought you'd stay in Los Angeles, you know, you seemed to really get along with the Blackthorns…”

"I… I don't belong there."

He interrupted quickly, Jace's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"It's kind of hard to know who to trust at times like this," Jace's voice deepened. "The Clave was divided, something that's never happened before, the Seelie Cohort is still isolated, and while you're relatively new to the Shadowhunter world, I believe Jem and Tessa have told you that the Herondales have been involved in some of our world's most difficult times. Weapons are powerful, yes, but the friendships and bonds you make with other people are more so, so forgive me if I assumed you were on good terms with the Blackthorns."

"It's complicated."

"Everything in this world is complicated, Kit," Jace replied, turning the Fairchild ring over in his hand. "Especially feelings."

Kit's eyes widened in surprise. He hadn't talked to anyone about her feelings for Ty, but somehow Jace seemed to have figured it out. Jace's golden eyes narrowed.They washed over his, and a sparkle filled Jace's eyes as he watched him.

"I don't think you have anything to worry about right now. No one will pressure you, and whether you want to talk about it or not, I'll understand. But you need to know that I'll always be here for you. I know how hard it is to believe you have no one and that you can't love anyone, but you have a family now. I'm part of that family, if you'll let me. You can trust me. I know what it's like to be the new kid in a family."

Kit knew Jace was telling her the truth, just as Jem and Tessa had, but in that moment, realized he didn't trust his father enough—that he never had—and he felt the hole in his heart grow; Unable to help it, he leaned against Jace's shoulder and began to cry. There were so many things to cry about... For a split second, he felt Jace freeze beneath him and thought he was going to push him away, but then he felt Jace's arm wrap tightly around him. His sobs were muffled, but he couldn't help but wonder if anyone else noticed he was crying.

“There was a time when I believed that: to love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be destroyed. But it's not.”

“I…”

“Love gives you the strength to fight for what you want most. It gives you courage, and if you find it, you shouldn't let it go. And it's not something you should fear, ever,” Jace whispers, giving him a light squeeze on the shoulder. “You know? Shadowhunters fall quickly. And Herondales, we only really love once. I don't know if Tessa and Jem have told you that.”

Kit wasn't sure what to say about that, so he just answered the first thing that came to mind.

“I've been told some stories, but not all of them…”

“Well, all the stories are true. And if you don't want to go to the Scholomancer with Jem and Tessa, Clary and I would be happy to welcome you to the New York Institute. We could spend quality time making the people of the city miserable because they'll never have someone like us, or we could just train and get fabulously good at it.”

“I wish everything were easy for me, the way it was for you and Clary…”

“It wasn't easy. If you don't mind, I'll tell you the story of a boy who came to New York, believing his father was dead and that what he had taught him was true.”

***