Chapter Text
I haven’t seen Rocky’s engine light for three days. He’s dead in space. The Taumoeba must have eaten all of his fuel because he didn’t realize they could get through xenonite.
I put my head in my hands.
I can go home. I really can. But then Rocky dies. And more important, Rocky’s people die, billions of them.
My other option is to launch the beetles, turn the ship around, go find Rocky, and take him back to Erid.
One problem: It means I die.
I have enough food to survive the trip to Earth. Or I have enough to survive the trip to Erid. But even if the Eridians refuel the Hail Mary right away, there won’t be enough food for me to survive the trip back to Earth from Erid. I’ll have only a few months of food left at that point.
So that’s what I’m left with. Option 1: Go home. Option 2: Go to Erid, save an alien species, and starve to death shortly after.
I pull on my hair.
I sob into my hands. It’s cathartic and exhausting.
All I see when I close my eyes is Rocky’s dumb carapace and his little arms always fidgeting with something.
I know that image won’t ever go away. I could go back to Earth and live another fifty years and I’d never stop thinking about Rocky. If I let him and his entire planet die after he saved my life, I’ll never be able to live with myself.
This is the hardest thing that I’ve ever done, but I know what I need to do.
I press record and look into the camera one last time. “Hello, Earth,” I say. “I wasn’t planning on adding any more content to the beetles before sending them off, but something just came up.”
I explain how the Taumoeba escaped, and how I was able to stop the outbreak this time before they got to my fuel supply, but then I figured out that Rocky wouldn’t be so lucky, and now that I can’t see his engine light anymore, I know he’s dead in space. I lay out my two options, go home or go to Erid, and explain what each one of the means. A species with billions of people dies, or I die.
“Stratt,” I say. “When you forced me onto this mission you told me I was a coward. And you were right. I am a coward. But even though I know that about myself, I’m not going to let Rocky’s entire planet die after he saved my life. I’m going to Erid. So, it turns out you won’t have to deal with me after all, because you’ll never see me again.
“And Stratt, you know how I made that video after I woke up where I just yelled about what you did? Well, I’m still upset about it, but now that I’m choosing to die of my own free will, I’m starting to come to peace with what happened. I know why you did what you did, and I haven’t exactly forgiven you for it, but for the rest of my short life, I think I’ll be able to live with it. So, take that for what it’s worth.
“Well, Earth, this is the last message you’ll hear from me. I hope you’re able to seed the Taumoeba on Venus so our planet can survive. If you do survive, be good to Erid, okay? Because I wouldn’t have had any chance of saving Earth without Rocky’s help. Be good to each other too, and if you remember me at all, please remember that even though I didn’t choose to be here, I did my best to save Earth once I was here, and I really, really hope it worked.
“This is Ryland Grace, signing off for the last time. Goodbye.”
I stop recording. Then I upload the video, launch the beetles, and turn the ship around.
Six weeks later:
I bang the wrench against Rocky’s ship. Then I push one end of the wrench against the hull and crouch down to bring my helmet in contact with the other end.
“Rocky!” I yell as loud as I can. “I don’t know if you can hear me! But I’m here, buddy! I’m on your hull! I have my EVA suit radio on! Same frequency as always! Say something! Let me know you’re okay!”
I turn up my radio volume. All I hear is static.
“Rocky!”
A crackle. My ears perk up.
“Rocky?!”
“Grace, question?”
“Yes!” I’ve never been so happy to hear a few musical notes! “Yeah, buddy! It’s me!”
“You are here, question?!”
“Yes! I’m here!”
“You are…” he squeaks. “You…” he squeaks again. “You are here!”
“Yes! Set up the airlock tunnel!”
After we get our ships connected, I finally get to see Rocky again. He’s hurt, but he says he’ll heal. We talk about what went wrong with the Taumoeba, and I tell him I’ve sent the beetles back to Earth.
“Good good,” he says. “I make sure my people take good care of you. They will make Astrophage maybe for you to go home!”
“Yeah…” I say. “About that…I’m not going home. The beetles will save Earth. But I won’t ever see it again.”
“Why, question?”
“I don’t have enough food. After I take you to Erid, I will die.”
“You…you no can die. I no let you die. We send you home. Erid will be grateful. You save everyone. We do everything to save you.”
“There’s nothing you can do,” I say. “There’s no food. I have enough to last until we get to Erid and then a few months more. Even if your government gave me the Astrophage to go home, I wouldn’t survive the trip.”
Rocky tries to convince me to eat Erid food. When I tell him that will kill me, he trembles. “No. You no can die. You are friend.”
I float closer to the divider wall and talk softly. “It’s okay. This time it’s my decision. It’s the only way to save both of our worlds.”
He backs away. “Then you go home. Go home now. I wait here. Erid maybe send another ship someday.”
I’m touched. As I think about what Rocky just said, I suddenly realize that this is why I like him so much. I like him because he’s the opposite of Stratt. Stratt betrayed me in order to save humanity, but when I tell Rocky I’m willing to die to save his whole species, his first instinct is to tell me to save myself anyway. He’s not just nice. He’s too nice. And I love him for it. It makes him even more worth saving.
But since I’m going to save him, I can’t let him continue with this crazy idea of risking all of Erid for my sake. “That’s ridiculous,” I say, “Do you really want to risk the survival of your entire species on that guess?”
He’s silent for a few moments and finally answers. “No.”
“Okay. Get that ball thing you use as a spacesuit and come on over. Talk me through how to patch up the xenonite walls. Then you can move your stuff in–”
“Wait,” he says. “You no can eat Erid life. You no have Earth life to eat. What about Adrian life, question?”
I snort. “Astrophage?” I go on a whole spiel about why that would never work.
“Not Astrophage. Taumoeba. Eat Taumoeba.”
My first response is to brush that suggestion off, but after a moment I realize I don’t actually know whether I can eat Taumoeba or not. Maybe I can. Maybe I don’t have to die to save Rocky after all! It’s the first time I’ve felt genuine hope in a long time.
Three days later:
Rocky has settled into his portion of my ship again. Before I detach the tunnel for the last time, Rocky tells me to wait. He taps the xenonite wall of his enclosure a few times.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“Want to hear inside of my ship one last time. Will not hear it again.”
“Oh,” I say. “Of course. Take as long as you need.”
After a few minutes of tapping and listening, Rocky says, “Am ready now. Detach tunnel.”
I detach the tunnel, then fire up my engines, and we zoom off on our way toward Erid.
“Grace,” Rocky says, “I have question.”
“Okay, what is it?” I ask.
“Before you leave Earth, you no willing to die to save other humans. Now you willing to die to save Eridians. Why, question? You are human, not Eridian. Humans are your own species. Why no save humans but save Eridians, question?”
I think for a moment. It’s hard to put into words. Finally I say, “There are a couple of reasons, I guess. First, back on Earth there was another person that they would have sent if I didn’t go, another person who had already agreed to go if necessary. At the time I convinced myself that because she was willing to go, she would do a better job than I would, or at least a good enough job. I convinced myself that Earth didn’t really need me because there was someone else who would go if I didn’t.
“With you though, it was different. There wasn’t anyone else who could come save you. I knew, 100 percent knew, that if I didn’t come back for you, you would die. It was me or no one.
“And the other thing that makes this different is that you almost died saving my life. No one on Earth has ever done that for me, so I owe you more than any single person back on Earth. As a whole, I don’t think I care more about Eridians than humans, but I care more about you than I care about any one single human back on Earth. Does that make sense?”
“Yes, but still amaze. You sacrifice self for different species. You are hero.”
“Thanks,” I say. In a way, I’m amazed by my decision too. Maybe I’m a different person now than I was when I was forced onto the mission. It’s hard to tell if I’ve truly changed, or if it was just the different situation that led to my acting differently now, and I’ll never know for sure, because I’ll never be asked to die to save Earth a second time.
Maybe I’m still a coward, but even if I am, saving Rocky has shown me that I can be a hero too. I told Stratt I was coming to peace with what happened to me, but what I didn’t realize until now was how much I needed to come to peace with myself as well. Now that I know I was willing to die for Rocky, I think I can do that.
I’ve been through a lot since I was forced onto the mission, and I haven’t always handled the situation well, but now, for the first time since waking up in the Hail Mary, I think I might be able to pass Yao’s psychological evaluation. I think I’m okay now.