Chapter Text
The Potters don’t celebrate Christmas.
Consequently, all the holidays they do celebrate always take place while James is away at school. He thinks that’s rather unfair, but at least he still gets three weeks off, eh?
So at 10pm on the 25th of December, James is losing spectacularly in a match of Exploding Snap against his parents.
Fleamont and Euphemia make a wonderful couple, but ruthless competitors. James’ dad’s left eyebrow has already been singed off after a sneaky move by his mum. At this point in the game, James is content to just sit back and watch the two of them play at setting the other on fire.
He also prefers his eyebrows set firmly on his face, thanks.
So overall, it’s been a quiet December break for the Potters. Peter is off visiting his sister in America, much to his dismay.
Prongs, it’s going to be the worst! He had bemoaned to James on the train, I bloody hate the states, and my parents are always bickering when we travel. Not to mention how my sister just sets their expectations higher for me. Fucking hell, just think of something nice to say at my funeral, eh?
Remus is spending time with his Mam, as she loves the holidays and they hardly get to see each other during the school year. Usually, Remus would come to James’ for a New Year’s Eve party, but the Full is the day before.
And, of course, Sirius isn’t here. Well, he’s here as in alive, but not, like, here here. Whatever. James is just simply not thinking about it, because he worries that if he thinks about it too long he’ll have a nervous breakdown. And that Would Not be in the Holiday Spirit, would it now?
Not that James is celebrating any holiday currently, of course. But the point still stands.
For his own mental stability, he’s not even going to entertain the idea of something happening to Sirius. After all, James is sure that he would know immediately. He would feel it, he’s sure of that.
James and Sirius are connected. They’re brothers, not by blood, but by everything else that matters. By choice. There’s just—they’re connected. They’re the same. James would know it if something happened to Sirius. He would have to, he doesn’t know what he would do if something happened and James didn’t immediately know.
And, sure, maybe he knows that his friendship with all the Marauders might be just the tiniest bit… codependent. But, really, who would James be without them? He’d be nothing.
James has this recurring fear, that one day, he’ll be the last one left. Peter, Remus, and Sirius all gone. It makes his hands shake, his stomach twist in uproar, his brain go into overdrive (more than it usually is, anyways).
James wouldn’t be able to cope without any of them. Even more so without Sirius. His lungs, his breath, those are all connected to Sirius.
All this to say, if something happened to Sirius, James would have to know. He just would. He would feel it. He has to, he’s relying on it.
Because if something happened to his brother over the break and James didn’t know? It would ruin him. He would never be able to forgive himself.
He’s brought out of his head by a spark of fire. At first, James just thinks that his parents have gotten overly competitive again, and readies himself to see another eyebrow lost to flame. But the sparks don’t stop. And they’re… green?
The fireplace roars to life in front of his eyes, and James squints as he tries to see who might be coming through. His parents have both stood up, wands at the ready—which would surely confuse James at any other time. But now, all he can focus on is the body that’s materializing in the fire.
Something is wrong. It’s all, horizontal, laying down. It’s not moving.
Before James can think, his father is bounding forwards and dragging the body out of the fire.
James’ brain finally catches up to see raven dark hair, and blood. Lots of blood.
The world is breaking, he thinks, because there’s no way that this could’ve happened and James wouldn’t have known. He should’ve felt it, he had to have, he could have stopped this, he should have stopped this!
He blinks and he’s crouched next to Sirius, who is still unmoving and staring at the ceiling. He blinks and the sound crashes back into his ears. He blinks and suddenly becomes aware that someone is screaming.
He blinks and realizes that the one screaming is him.
*
Sirius isn’t quite sure what’s happening, but he knows that it can’t be good.
He feels rather odd. Like he’s floating, light as a feather. Wingardium Leviosa! This must be how those feathers feel.
He’s observing the scene in front of him rather detached. Like Sirius is watching his body from a different point of view, like a ghost.
His body is prone on the floor, Fleamont and James crouching next to it while Effie bustles through different cabinets, grabbing bottles and pastes.
James is screaming, sobbing. Sirius doesn’t like that very much. James should never cry, not on his watch. He’s always supposed to be happy. A sad James means that there’s something truly wrong in the world.
Although, Sirius supposes, there might be.
Everything just seems so light and fluffy. Sirius thinks that isn’t a good sign of his mental state, but when has his mental health ever been something to brag about?
Effie runs back and crouches over his body, a worried scrunch between her eyebrows and a determined set to her mouth.
It reminds Sirius of Regulus.
And, oh. That hurts, doesn’t it? Hm. Sirius Does Not Like It Very Much.
Vaguely, he’s aware that tears are dripping from his eyes, but he can’t even move to hide them.
Sirius doesn’t like that very much, either.
Effie is waving her wand over him, and Sirius knows that’s she’s probably only casted diagnostic spells—she would never hurt him—but he still feels that flash of fear.
Crucio. Riddle. Regulus.
Huh.
When Sirius’ mind clears enough to focus on the scene again, they’re now floating his body down the hallway. James is a blubbering mess trailing behind.
If Sirius was able to open his mouth, he would probably tease his friend for being so emotional.
Miss me that much, did you?
Ha! You think I look bad? Well, you should see the other guy.
Then James would probably punch him for making jokes and Effie would scold James for punching him and Monty would shake his head with a worried but fond smile and a sneaky wink at Sirius.
Distantly, Sirius hears Effie mumble a quick “Finite.”
Fucking finally. He watches from above as his eyes drift shut and his tense muscles relax.
Sirius hears a shaky, “Sirius?” from Jamie.
And, of course, that’s when everything goes mercifully, blessedly dark.
*
James Fleamont Potter is a Gryffindor.
There has never been any doubt about that. Even as young as five, family friends would remark, “be ready to see a lot of red and gold around!” or “reckless bunch, those lions, eh?”
James Fleamont Potter is brave.
There has never been any doubt about that, either. He’s brave to the point of foolishness, as his mother always tells him.
James has faced bullies, duels, a bloodthirsty werewolf, even stared down Walburga fucking Black.
During those moments, of course James had been afraid. But he’s never felt helpless. There’s always been a Plan B, a way out, a winning point. Something has always been there to outweigh his fear.
James doesn’t think that’s the case, this time.
In all his life, he has never before felt so afraid, and so helpless. He finds that he hates it.
His mother had finished patching Sirius up as well as she could hours ago, and has since retired to bed. Healing always takes a lot out of her, both in magic and emotion.
His father has stepped out as well, mumbling something about contacting the school or Mungos, before going off to check on his wife.
James has found himself unable to move from his silent vigil next to Sirius’ bed. He can’t look away, he can’t even bounce his leg as he desperately hopes to do, because he doesn’t deserve it.
He should’ve known. James should’ve fucking known and he didn’t and that is unforgivable.
And even now, he’s sitting here feeling fucking sorry for himself instead of doing what he should be doing, which is looking after his brother.
Merlin, his brother.
Sirius has always been pale, something that James and Remus have never failed to tease him about, but right now he just looks like death. His hair, before his mom had cleaned it off, had been matted with blood. Even the memory of it makes James sick to his stomach.
His mother, upon looking under the hastily spelled and bloody bandages on Sirius’ arm, has gasped. James wasn’t able to see what she was looking at before she waved her wand and clean thick bandages appeared over the wound.
James’ unbreakable mother had been crying. And James, as is becoming a theme lately, hadn’t been able to fix it.
First Remus, and now Sirius.
Merlin, Remus .
James leaps to his feet and moves into action. Thrilled at the thought of having something to do, yet reluctant to leave Sirius for longer than a few moments, he quickly scrawls out a letter to Moony and sends it off.
He thinks about sending one to Peter as well, but decides against it. By the time it would reach him in the States he’d probably be on his way back anyways, and James doesn’t want to ruin his holiday.
He returns to his brother’s bedside. Sirius is just as still as before. James watches closely to make sure he’s still breathing, letting out a quick sigh of relief after seeing the rise and fall of his chest.
He can do this. For Sirius, James can do this. He can be what he’s always been, and do what he’s always done.
He can be brave.
*
Sirius wakes up slowly.
First, he feels pain. Everywhere, but concentrated around his left arm.
Second, he hears something. An incessant tapping, and Sirius wants it to end immediately.
Third, his mouth tastes like death. Merlin, that’s horrible.
Fourth, his mind finally forms a thought: Fuck.
The first thing Sirius sees upon bolting up in bed is, as to be expected, James Potter.
Prongs immediately holds out a placating hand, stopping Sirius from jumping out of this bloody bed and hightailing it back to Grimmauld Place to retrieve his brother.
“Sirius! Don’t move, you’ll—“
Sirius curls over in pain, clutching a hand to his aching head.
“-hurt yourself.” James finishes weakly. “Fuck, Pads, are you alright?”
Sirius grits his teeth against the pain, against the flashes of light and the sound of the Cruciatus Curse said over and over and over and—
“I’m fine,” he says shortly, “but you have to let me go.”
“Let you… let you go?! Sirius, you can’t be serious!”
“Oh, I assure you, I’m most definitely Sirius.”
James is obnoxiously running his hands through his hair and tapping his foot against the ground.
Huh. So that’s where that sound had been come from.
“Shut up, you can’t honestly think that we would ever send you back to that house. I saw the state you were in, Sirius…”
Sirius averts his eyes. He tries to phrase it in a way that James will understand. He has to understand.
“Prongs, Regulus is still in there.”
“Sod Regulus! He was letting you rot in there! I couldn’t give less of a rat’s arse—“
“He saved me, Jamie.”
James immediately quiets, piercing Sirius with a stare so intense that he feels like his soul is being exposed. Laid out, for both of them to see how little is left of Sirius Black.
“Explain, Sirius. Now.”
And, no, Sirius definitely Does Not Want to do That. Doesn’t want to relive the fear and the tears and the curses and the pain and the—
“I don’t want to.”
“You don’t—“ James throws his hands in the air, “You don’t want to? Sirius, you came here looking like death, and you don’t want to give a single explanation why that is, and instead want to go back to your fucking shithole of a house and find your traitor brother? I mean, you have to understand where I’m coming from here!”
“James—“
“No! I mean, really? Do you think so little of me that I would just let you go back there? After the state you were in?” James breathes slowly out through his mouth, and levels another Look at Sirius. Merlin, he is just like Euphemia. Sirius loves him for it, usually, but he’s finding it hard to feel any fondness right now.
“Padfoot, I thought you were dead. I thought you were dead, and I didn’t know, and I was so useless, there wasn’t anything to do, and I thought that you didn’t think you could come here after everything, and I just can’t—“ He’s hyperventilating now, which is never a good sign. James, in a good mood, can talk for hours and hours without losing his breath.
“I thought you were dead, and I wanted to die too.”
Sirius draws in a shocked breath. He hadn’t thought… he’s just surprised James still cares about him, even after what he did.
“Don’t say that.” He says firmly. “Never, ever say that again. You have so much more to live for than me.” Stupid, selfish, cruel Sirius Black. He doesn’t even belong in the same room as James Potter.
“Do I?” James asks weakly. “You and the Marauders… you’re my whole world. And when you showed up here, and you weren’t moving, I couldn’t… You’re my brother, Sirius. What am I supposed to do without my brother?”
Sirius sits for a beat, watching the shadows on the wall shift with the lightly moving drapes across the window.
“You’re my brother, Jamie; but, Regulus is my brother, too. I can’t lose him.”
James takes a beat to digest that and collapses back against his chair. Dramatic fool, Sirius loves him.
“Sirius. I love you so, so much. You’re one of my best mates, my brother in every way that counts. Please, for Merlin’s sake, just tell me what happened.”
Sirius wants to protest. He wants to run back and grab Reggie and never leave him again. But, as another wave of pain echoes across his body, he knows that James would never forgive him for it. For leaving him.
And maybe, it might help to have someone else on his side right now.
So Sirius takes a deep breath. And then a few more. He turns to James, who is staring at him so earnestly that it kinda makes Sirius want to cry. Maybe he doesn’t have to be alone.
So Sirius opens his mouth, and tells his brother the truth.
*
James really, really, really wants to punch something.
He’s still sitting beside Sirius, who is now staring off into space while tears dry on his face. James can feel tears of his own still rolling down his cheeks.
They tortured him. They tortured Sirius. They were going to kill James’ best mate, his brother.
Fear clenches at his chest, and he finds himself grabbing Sirius’ hand off the bed to feel his pulse. He’s here, he’s here, he’s here.
“I’m never letting you go, ever again.”
Sirius turns to stare at him. It breaks James’ heart, how tired and desperate those eyes are.
“You need to. I have to go back for him.”
James has to be honest with himself here: Regulus is not one of his concerns right now. Does that make him a shitty person? Probably. But right now, his heart is simply beating to the sound of Sirius.
“Let’s talk about this before we—“
Sirius drops James’ hand. “No! No more talking! When has talking ever been good for me? Every time I open my mouth I ruin everything. It’s my fault he’s in there! He’s my younger brother, James. He’s my responsibility, and I was supposed to always keep him safe! And I failed!”
Sirius is growing more frantic, tears leaking out of his eyes again, his chest heaving forcefully with each breath.
“If I had just kept my mouth shut, then Remus wouldn’t hate me, and you wouldn’t hate me, and Peter wouldn’t hate me! If I had kept my mouth shut when talking to Riddle, he would’ve just killed me and been done with it! Regulus didn’t have to get involved, I’m the entire reason he’s trapped there, with our parents, and that man, and I-“
He cuts himself off in a broken sob, and James has never felt more helpless.
“I just need to do something good, for once. For once, in my useless life, I need to-to-“ he waves his hand around, as if searching for the right words.
“We are the choices we make, right? That’s what you and Remus said to me. I need to make the right choice. I don’t think I can handle feeling so… so broken, anymore.”
James feels completely overwhelmed, and out of his depth, and really wishes Moony were here. He doesn’t know how to fix this. But he needs to say something, his brother needs him.
“I could never hate you.”
James says it so simply that it makes Sirius pause in his tears.
“…What?”
“I could never hate you. And you’re not broken.”
“Jamie—“
“I have spent a lot of time wondering why you did what you did.”
Sirius shuts up. James keeps talking.
“I just couldn’t make sense of it. And that made me angry. I had never, ever, not been on the exact same page as you before. I hated it, not knowing why you told Snape.”
He starts to bounce his right leg, as he tends to do when revving up for a rant. The words continue to flow, with Sirius staring at him.
“Now, though, I don’t think the reason matters as much as the outcome.”
Sirius flinches, and looks away.
“You hurt us, by telling Snape. You hurt me, sure, but that didn’t matter to me as much as the fact that you hurt our Moony. And I was—am—so angry at you for that. And I…Merlin’s pants, I left you all alone.”
“No, James, I deserved to-“
“You didn’t, Sirius. I shouldn’t have abandoned you. I should’ve talked to you, or invited you here for break, or anything that would’ve made you feel less alone. And I’m sorry, for that. For leaving you.”
“Prongs, I wouldn’t have been able to come here either way. My parents, they sent me an owl about two weeks into the start of term. It’s not your fault, and I certainly don’t deserve your forgiveness for what I did.”
“Maybe not, but guess what? I forgive you.”
Sirius cracks his neck with the speed that he turns to look at James, who snickers as he rubs at his nape.
“You… what? What? James, you can’t-“
“But I do. And I will. For my part in it, at least, I forgive you.”
Sirius angles his head down as he tries to hide the tears that have begun to pool.
“Padfoot, you’re not broken. You’re a human. Part of the deal is that we fuck up. You made a shit choice, and you’re sorry, and now I’m choosing to forgive you.”
Sirius’ mouth opens and closes in shock. He looks like a fish, in his bewilderment. Merlin, James loves him.
“But what about Reg? How am I supposed to… how do I fix this, Jamie?”
James sits with that for a moment. The sun has finally come up, and he can see its beams through the window drapes. Soon enough, his parents will come bustling back in, but for now, it’s calm. It’s just James and his brother.
Deep breath in. Deep breath out. They’re both still here. Still alive. Still together.
“I always think that a good place to start, is to ask for help.”
Brown eyes meet gray, steely with determination. Sirius nods, and opens his mouth to speak. But before he can get out the words, there’s a rumbling sound from below.
Sirius immediately freezes. James is unnerved himself, but tries not to let it show.
He has no idea who it could be, until an unmistakable voice echoes across the house.
“Prongs! Where is he? Where’s Sirius?”
James feels a grin sneak onto his face. Paying no mind to Sirius’ distress, he clasps his brother’s shoulder in excitement.
“Thank Merlin, Moony’s here.”