Chapter Text
Sungho felt nauseous. He is so fed up with all of this so-called “life”. He is sick with everything.
What is even life? People say you have to be grateful for your life, grateful to be alive.
I can’t even feel things anymore, what is left for me to be grateful for? He thought as he dug his long nails into his hands, creating some shapes seemingly moon crescent in crimson red. It’s not enough. He dug deeper. Some blood started dripping, forming a small blood island beneath his hands.
He feels numb.
His ears are still ringing.
His brain won’t even shut up, reminding him of all his problems.
His family. His college. His job. Quite ironic that all of his life problems come from the same thing, money.
Regarding his family, of course the source of it all is financial problems, but most of it comes from his father; who is an asshole by the way. Then, it branched out to his college life. He is now in his 6th semester, but he still has a lot of trouble paying for that. Debt and loans became a part of his life, otherwise he wouldn’t be where he is right now. He couldn’t even apply for most scholarships because it usually has a good GPA as a requirement. Well, the thing is Sungho sucks at academics, his GPA is below average.
So, instead of trying something that seemed impossible, he tried to look for other alternatives. One of the alternatives that he can think of is looking for a job and working his ass off. Fortunately, he got a job as a barista at a cafe near his campus. Unfortunately, he has been fired now.
He was slandered by one of his co-workers. His co-worker, who is the son of his boss’ friend, accused him of stealing money. It’s ridiculous. Sungho knows he is poor and looks like he doesn’t have a lot of money when compared with people his age. However, no matter how poor he was, he never even thought about stealing money. Hell, he doesn’t even have the courage to think about it. Since childhood, his mother has always taught him to live properly and to never harm other people.
Sungho knew his co-workers weren’t the nicest people. What he didn’t know was that one of them could go as far as to slander him just because he was jealous. Yes, one of his co-worker was jealous because Sungho was talked about and liked by many of their customers. Well, Sungho is fucked now.
His mind wanders to where else he should get money from. There were so many things he had to pay for. His tuition fees for next semester. His debts. His dorm. Not to mention, his parents; who always have financial difficulties. Also, his useless father who likes to ask him for money. Sungho couldn’t even ask his mother for money because his mother also worked hard to earn money for their family, especially for his other siblings who were still at school.
Without realizing it, the small blood island expanded, the dripping blood began to spread further. He dug his nails so deep for minutes, but he didn’t even feel it. He feels dizzy. Not because of what he did, but because of all the things he had to think about. This year has been very difficult for him and he wasn’t even halfway through the year yet.
Why do I have to live? Why do I fight so hard to stay alive? Sungho sighed.
He stood up and went to the bathroom. He comes back and starts cleaning the blood island he formed. Funnily enough, it kinda looks like a laptop. Now, it made him remember all of his assignments that he hasn’t done yet. Fuck. I forgot. He jumped and searched for his laptop. His laptop that never failed to wear his patience thin. Please don’t lag now. He grumbled.
About 30 minutes later, he can finally check the assignment list he hasn’t submitted yet. Great. He forgot about the group assignment. He should have done his part yesterday, but he forgot because of all the things happening lately; mostly because of his job and his evil co-workers. Sungho knew there was no hope for him anymore, because his reputation as a bad group mate had spread long ago. He knew his name would definitely be removed from the group assignment.
Where did it all go wrong?
He remembers. His habit of forgetting assignments started when he first got a job at that terrible workplace; the cafe that had fired him. Because he has to work part-time, Sungho often forgets, takes a long time to do his part, or doesn’t even have the time to do his part in group assignments. After work, he usually falls asleep straight away, too tired to think about the assignments he should be doing. His co-workers also often do “fun” things which end up making Sungho use up all of his energy. No, it’s not fun for him, it’s only fun for them.
His bad habit made all of his college friends lose faith in him. He only had a few friends to begin with, but now he’s completely alone. He doesn’t have any friends in college anymore. He doesn’t have any friends in life, to be exact. It got to the point that he was summoned by one of the faculty advisors because many of his “friends” felt disadvantaged if they were paired with him in group assignments. They advised him to focus more on his studies and try to manage his time, or try taking a leave of absence if it felt too difficult for him. Taking a leave of absence and having to pay half of his tuition fees, his dorm fees, and going home bringing confusion to his family? Hell no. He doesn’t even want to imagine his mother’s face when she finds out the main reason he is taking a leave of absence is because he is too focused on earning money for his tuition fees. Sungho just nodded mindlessly throughout his conversation with the faculty advisor.
He wanted to explain all of his problems, but he was too tired. He was tired of having to explain his situation, but no one really cared about it; no one ever listened to him genuinely.
It felt like no one really cared about him.
His only friends, the only ones who always listen to him even though they never really respond, are his cat friends he made in college. All human beings seem like the devil to him.
He tried to look fine. He tried to cover up his sadness, his emptiness, so that he looked like a functional human being. He is not worthless, he is not useless. But, it all started to crumble down. He felt useless. He felt like he was not made for life. Why was I given life? He felt tired and devastated.
There was nowhere for him to lean on.
Sungho closed his laptop. Maybe a night walk would be good for my mind. He grabbed his hoodie and walked out of his dorm.
He didn't even know where to walk. He just walked and walked, letting his feet lead him to wherever they wanted.
Sungho stopped. He is on the edge of a bridge now. The river in front of him looked beautiful. It reflects the moon and stars above. Flowing softly, illuminating the surrounding landscape with a serene glow. As he stands there, gazing down at the river below, some thoughts pop up in his mind. His thoughts were heavy, filled with a sense of hopelessness and despair.
Honestly, each day felt like a struggle, each breath felt like a burden.
Should I just give up?
Should I end it all?
Will the river embrace me as I surrender to the depths below?
His thoughts ended abruptly because someone had just patted his shoulder gently.
“What are you thinking about so deeply in front of a river in the middle of the night? You're not thinking about jumping from here, are you?” said the stranger in a slightly worried tone.
“Uh ... Yes?” Sungho replied, squinting his eyes. Weirdly enough, Sungho didn't feel any danger from the stranger even though it was already midnight and he didn't even know him.
“Wait, you were seriously thinking about it?” The stranger scratches his head. “I was half joking, sorry if it offended you.”
Sungho just blinked 3 times in response. He couldn’t think. His brain kind of shut down as he realized that he really almost jumped off the bridge before the stranger interrupted him.
“Well, maybe I can change your mind.” The stranger smiled softly. “I wouldn’t recommend you to try jumping into the river. Trust me, the water’s freezing and the fish aren’t great conversationalists. If you need someone, I recommend myself because I’m better than those fishes when it comes to conversation.”
“But, I don’t even know you ...?” Sungho raised an eyebrow, slightly amused. “Why should I listen to your recommendation and why does it matter?”
"Fair points. My name is Myung Jaehyun, but you can just call me Jaehyun by the way. As for why it matters? Well, sometimes it’s the unexpected encounters that make the biggest difference. Maybe a stranger with a terrible sense of humor is exactly what you need right now," Jaehyun answered, still smiling.
"I guess it can’t be worse than talking to the fish,” Sungho uttered hesitantly.
"Exactly!” Jaehyun chuckled, “but seriously, it’s too cold to be out here alone. How about we just walk and talk for a while? No pressure, just some fresh air and company.”
"I don’t know ....” Sungho looked back at the river below. “I’m not a really good company right now."
Jaehyun gently patted Sungho’s shoulder. "Hey, that’s okay .... You don’t have to be a good company. Sometimes just having someone to listen to is enough. It’s okay if you just stay silent throughout our conversation. Who knows? Maybe we’ll even find something to laugh about."
Sungho nodded mindlessly. He didn’t even know why he agreed with this weird stranger who was a bit too cheerful for his liking, but this stranger seemed to have a magical ability to make Sungho agree with everything he said. Or maybe, it’s because Sungho felt safe with him and his stupid smile.
“Okay! Let’s just walk along the river for a bit. The night is too beautiful to be wasted on the edge of this bridge,” said Jaehyun as he took Sungho’s hand to leave.
Sungho took a deep breath and stepped back from the edge. As they started walking along the riverbank, the cool night air began to feel a little less biting with the stranger’s company.
At first, they walked in silence. But, it’s not an uncomfortable silence. It was quite helpful for Sungho to rearrange his thoughts. The stranger’s presence does feel like magic. How is it that his brain starts to function normally as they walk together?
Maybe, it’s because of the warmth he radiated. Sungho shook his head in disbelief. I just met him a few minutes ago. What if he is just like everyone else who says they care, but it’s all bullshit.
Then, the silence broke and he was interrupted from his thoughts once again.
“Anyway, what's your name? It’s kinda unfair that you know my name, but I don’t even know yours.”
Oh. Sungho just remembered the stranger didn’t even know his name yet.
“Park Sungho.”
“Sungho? It sounds beautiful. What does it mean?” Jaehyun asked him curiously.
He is really weird. Who still asks about other people’s name meanings nowadays? Sungho thought, but he still answered, “Sung means to accomplish and Ho means pure.”
“When combined, it means to accomplish big things and make the world pure!” Jaehyun exclaimed excitedly. “It does have a good meaning. I do believe you will accomplish many big things ahead.”
Sungho was a little surprised. He didn’t even know his name could be interpreted like that, he just knew it meant accomplish and pure. “Thank you ... I guess ...?”
“So ... Sungho ... what’s been weighing on your mind? Or if you don’t want to talk about it, we can just enjoy the quiet. No pressure, “ Jaehyun said.
Should I trust this stranger? Sungho contemplated between telling the stranger about his life problems or just keeping quiet as usual. But, the way the stranger looked at him so sincerely—kind of makes the wall he had built collapse a little bit.
Sungho sighed. “It’s just ... everything,” he muttered. “Work, college, family, feeling worthless. It all gets too much sometimes."
Jaehyun nodded understandingly. "Yeah, life can feel overwhelming at times. But you know, you don’t have to face it alone. Sometimes sharing the burden, even with a stranger, can lighten the load. I'm here to listen, if you want to talk."
Sungho was skeptical at first, but maybe he will give it a try. He will give this life one more chance to not disappoint him. One last chance.
His skepticism lingered, but so did a flicker of curiosity. Perhaps this chance encounter held something he desperately needed.
There was something liberating about confiding in someone who didn’t know his past or his failures; a blank canvas upon which he could paint his present struggles without fear of being defined by them.
As they walked along the quiet riverbank, the sound of their footsteps mingled with the gentle rush of water below. Sungho tried to open up slowly and talked about his problems. Jaehyun listened attentively, his occasional nods and encouraging murmurs guiding Sungho through the tangled maze of his thoughts.
There was a warmth in Jaehyun's presence; a reassurance that maybe, just maybe, Sungho didn't have to navigate his struggles alone.
As they found a secluded bench overlooking the moonlit river, Sungho felt a sense of relief wash over him. For the first time in ages, he allowed himself to exhale, to release the pent-up tension and self-doubt that had been suffocating him.
Their conversation flowed into the early hours of the morning, weaving through moments of shared chatter and quiet reflection. By the time they parted ways, Sungho carried a newfound belief; that maybe, life had more to offer than he’d dared to hope for.
.
.
.
To be continued.