Chapter Text
There was a big sign just by the entrance.
To many, it was a sign of progress, some indication that the owners of the coffee shop had gained enough confidence to expand business, and he was gladly showing it all off by propping a blinding sign just a few roads leading up to the alley.
To others, it was a sign of comfort and a sign of hope that despite how quickly people seemed to move in and out of their small town, some mom-and-pop shops still thrived.
The sane part of him was convinced that it was just a sign, propped up innocently and lighted up with tacky neon to attract customers. Maybe, it was a valiant attempt to put a name to the face of the treasured coffee in their small little town.
The sullen and moody part of him though found a lot of things about it mildly offensive.
It could have been a sign of changing times, a soft reminder that he was moving sluggishly through life, and ultimately, he was left behind. It could have also been comfort, but it could also be a lot of other things and maybe he was just fucking so sensitive that he could never actually pinpoint the one exact thing it could be.
Among the sea of red foliage around him, and the gray sky just above them, it demanded the most attention, and did it deserve the attention, Levi would argue that it didn’t.
It was glaring and mocking. And Levi would have liked not to have been thinking about it.
Regardless, he was thinking about it, and he had no choice but to follow the arrows that snaked through alleyways, out to the main street, then back into a dim alley. They led up to a hole in the wall shop which for one reason or the other had survived the development of their small town. It survived long enough at least, to serve as too ubiquitous of an existence: a remnant of his childhood, a constant in his teenage life and a main player during his college years and his young adult years.
Then and there, if he had done nothing but avoid it like the plague, he couldn’t expect too much from his nerves. He was one unlucky bastard, born unlucky or just dragged face first on the ground, hands tied behind his back by the cruel thing called life.
Or at least, that’s what it felt like.
Sometimes he was floating. Sometimes he was crawling.
And by some stupid decision, he had decided to count back.
“Five years,” Levi muttered to himself. It was a nice looking number. Next to the word years, Levi begrudgingly had to admit though, ‘five years’ was a glaringly long time, and he should have been able to get his shit together. “Fuck.” He spoke under his breath.
Farlan turned to him. “So what are you planning to order?”
Levi could have been stuck in that day dream for an eternity, he almost forgot he hadn’t been alone. He clamped his mouth shut and walked ahead. It was one of those few walks on the way home from work, with a very uncomfortable detour which Levi wouldn't have taken any other day, and one of those few times a week Farlan was off early enough to accompany him home. “Let’s just go home. Why even take me here?” Levi asked.
“Coz it’s been a while since we hung out last,” Farlan mumbled, as he pushed Levi forward by the shoulders. “Since Christmas last year maybe? You came to our Christmas party, left early and were never heard of again.”
Levi would have wanted to defend himself. There wasn’t much time to go around when he was working a desk job in the day, coffee shop shifts on the weekend and spending every other waking moment trying to stay sane.
It was a complicated situation to explain, one he didn’t want to put even his closest friends through so he sighed and settled for an “I was busy.”
Then, they were silent, and if it were up to Levi, they would have stayed that way.
Soon, Farlan surveyed his surroundings as they walked ahead, then turned back to Levi, a look of concern on his face. He clamped his mouth and stared, his glare boring holes deeply into Levi enough to have the latter slowing down. “Hey, a while ago, you said five years…Five years since what?” Farlan pressed.
“Nothing,” Levi muttered, with one shake of the head, as if that could have been enough to shake off Farlan’s gaze and his own looming thoughts.
There were bigger things to think about than a sign in a coffee shop. A relationship that ended five years ago shouldn’t have taken center stage for at least a second, hell it shouldn’t even have taken much space inside his mind, when he had bigger problems to think about.
It had started with one sign, but Levi’s mind worked quickly to process everything after, turning everything after an innocent coffee shop sign into cruxes that all morphed into memories he could have sworn he’d buried long ago.
The sign that hung just on the other side of the glass said “Come in!” Years ago, it had been welcoming, and he could imagine her reading it with the most sing-songy voice. The echo of her voice though, even only in his memory, had soured into something almost mocking.
Everything that had happened five years ago culminated into a few minutes in a coffee shop.
And could he ever forget it?
Without hesitation, Levi turned right. All he had to do was bolt out of the alley, onto the main street, then home would only be a good few minutes walk away.
“You really wanted to hang out at your apartment today?” Farlan asked.
“We’ll save more money at home,” Levi said with a shrug. It was a normal Tuesday afternoon, where else would they be going?
Farlan hummed. “I was thinking we could hang in a cafe today.”
“And you think I have the money for coffee?” Levi raised one eyebrow in question.
“And this is why when I invited you out, I said my treat.” Farlan patted the wallet sticking out from his pants pocket in emphasis.
Farlan was undoubtedly in a better state than him financially. Whether or not he was earning more than enough to go to a cafe and spend for both of them on an ordinary day was another question, something nobody should be asking anyway.
Levi, who those days was barely living paycheck to paycheck, was extremely cynical about the whole ordeal. “We’ll save more money drinking tea at home.”
"Why?" Farlan asked.
"I'd rather we didn't spend money."
"It's my money."
"I'd rather you don't spend your money."
“I’m too old for you to tell me what to do with my money,” Farlan deadpanned. He was a good few years younger than Levi and to Levi, he was like a younger brother. Since he had graduated from college and secured a permanent job, he developed a strong sense of independence. “Besides we haven’t gone out together in a while, and I feel like you haven’t gone out a lot either.”
Suddenly, it felt like Farlan was the one taking care of Levi.
Levi wrinkled his nose. “I was busy with work.” He had always been an older brother to Farlan, and witnessing the roles reversed left a heavy and indelible pit in his stomach.
“Aside from work. When was the last time you went out? ”
“I’ve been out a lot.”
“A lot as in enough to visit the next town over?”
“Maybe.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Why?”
“You looked away when we passed by that cafe.”
“Did I?”
When he couldn’t grasp for some explanation, Levi could at least ask questions, keep asking until his brain started working or he couldn’t come up with any more questions.
One of those.
“And when we passed by the park.” Farlan added. “You tensed up.”
“Why? What’s wrong with that?” Levi asked, one eyebrow raised.
“And when we passed by the old main building, the university stadium…”
Admittedly, it was a university town, and to the young adult, a few years out, it was a conglomeration of both good and bad memories.
Somehow, the memories felt more bad than good.
“You were walking faster. You tensed up. And you made that face.” Farlan said. His eyes were like daggers and he gave Levi a once over, a deep and sharp glare enough to have Levi tense up.
Because you’re weak.
“No.” A pathetic response. Most days, Levi could have looked up, shifted his gaze and shook his head, like the mature adult he was. He could have cleared his throat, let out and shrug and pretend he hadn’t been thinking about how he would search for her among the cafe goers to the corner, not easily noticeable unless he dipped his head to at the right angle, turned directly to his left.
Peripherals were unavoidable, not unless he closed his eyes, so Levi found himself making eye contact with Farlan to his right, more bearable than staring at the cafe to his left.
“It’s fine, you know that you can’t control your emotions.” Farlan’s voice had a drawl to it but Levi had known that boy since he was a child to recognize the simplest and most familiar emotions. At that moment, it had been a very annoying concern.
But during that time of year, everything was annoying and Levi refused to give Farlan the satisfaction of being right. “About…”
"Especially during this time of year."
Like this time of year in every single other fucking year.
Early November still brought with it red leaves and orange leaves when he stared at the right trees, others had already completely shed their colors. It was an almost depressing phenomenon, Levi had to admit, as soon as he gave himself time to think about it. “It’s the seasons. Sometimes they affect our mood.”
Sad was an emotion.
SAD (Seasonal Adaptive Disorder) was an actual condition which Levi had done his own research on, to explain that strange mood that seemed to consume him, every single autumn since five years ago.
And the timeline just seemed perfect.
No sane person should have been counting days since a break-up, let alone days since a “seven years since the last break up” or as Isabel had insensitively coined it “a break-versary.” No sane person should have cooped up in their room in commemoration of the fifth year anniversary of a break up.
"Sure.” Farlan gave him an overexaggerated nod.
Levi couldn’t tell if Farlan believed him or not. “I just don't have enough money for it,” he added, giving Farlan a knowing look. Who was he kidding? Coffee and tea were roughly the same price.
“And I offer to pay for it, but you still get coffee.”
Levi ignored that jab and focused instead on what was ahead. surveyed his surroundings almost instinctively, as if before he even knew it, his body was looking for a way to digress. He gestured towards the chain coffee shop, at the intersection.”Coffee does more for me in the mornings than tea.”
“Really? Someone who has been drinking it non-stop since college. You never drank coffee back when.”
Levi shrugged. “It’s part of growing up. I prefer the taste of coffee now.”
Since he started working, ‘fast food’ coffee had been his go-to. He worked at a coffee shop on weekends, and because of that, it had been accessible, even almost hard to avoid. At the same time, it was tolerable. At first, it tasted horrible. It would leave an overwhelming bitter thing that stuck stubbornly to his tongue even hours after. Black tea was also bitter, but Levi would argue that aside from the bitterness, it also carried this dizzying scent all the way up his nose.
And that was the thing about scents. They were one of the most powerful stimuli, if not the most. Even the stalest black tea had that same dizzying scent, and that same dizzying scent had him hearing her voice again, had him recalling how bitter could easily turn sour, as the tea settled on his tongue before falling haphazardly down his throat.
Back then, Levi could only swallow and clear his throat, but maybe if he hadn’t been so careful, he could have so ungracefully choked at her preposition.
It’s not going to work…
I don’t wanna force something that’s not there…
I don’t wanna build resentment…
And maybe we should go our separate ways…
Coffee didn’t feel like that. Coffee was bitter, but the scents settled just right under his nose. It didn’t climb stubbornly up his head, nor did it dance dizzily up his forehead. Stale coffee, without all the other noises, was strangely the most comfortable.
Soon, it became like an old plain-jane type of friend.
“Over tea?” Farlan asked.
Levi nodded. “But, even if you don't see it, I still drink tea.” He entertained the possibility that he could still love his tea but when every dollar spent was closely calculated and tea seemed to bring with it more unwanted memories. It was a blatant net loss to spend an extra dollar or so, just to be reminded of someone who would never come back. “You know I just don’t like going back to that cafe,” Levi begrudgingly admitted.
For many reasons. And Levi spent a few minutes a day, passing the sign to remind himself that it really was the price.
Even if I pay? Farlan had the best ammunition right at the tip of his tongue, yet even with his observant gaze, he fortunately held his tongue. At the least, he seemed to understand. “Then let’s get some fast food coffee then?”
Levi nodded, walked quickly ahead. Autumn smelled like many things. Leaves fell so quickly onto the ground, yet a characteristically crisp scent seemed to hang in the air for far longer compliment the cold air that licked at the apple of his cheeks.
To him, they were more odorous than mild, and carried with them almost palpable memories. It didn’t help at all that even after all these years, he knew the streets like the back of his hand. He bolted ahead towards the nearby cafe. For a second, he had lost control of his own expression and he let his scowl fall to something deeper than usual.
The chain coffee shop was only a good block away. With the sign, he had already prepared himself for his most typical order.
“Cafe Americano,” he muttered as soon as they entered the shop, as soon as Levi had taken enough control of himself to manage two words with the stoicest of facades.
“Last call for tea,” Farland said, a soft smirk on his face.
“No thank you.”
“The black tea is good this time of year.”
No it isn’t.
In fact, black tea was good every time of the year. For him, black tea like Assam, Darjeeling or English Breakfast tasted the best in the afternoons paired with something rich and sweet like a macaron, but Levi was in no mood to give Farlan anymore ammunition explaining some fact as useless as that. "If you’re that pressed about getting me tea, just get me green."
"Green?"
"Whatever's there," Levi said. He went straight for one of the booths on the corner, sliding all the way until the edge, just close enough to lean on back, his nose mere inches from the window pane.. His back office job didn't usually entail a lot of talking to people. Still, a long day in the job was enough to deplete his own social battery and Farlan had always been the more social among them anyway.
Without too much of a protest, Farlan flashed him a look of understanding and made his way to the front of the counter.
Levi gave the cafe a good once over, an early Monday afternoon and luckily it wasn't too crowded. The people were spread out in clusters, the two booths closest to him were empty.
He’d be lying if said he wasn’t at all relieved to be more than a few meters away from the next person. Levi took a deep breath and pulled his phone out.
November 13.
The date flashed in front of him, an innocent day to most. To him, it held some other weight, enough to have the edge of his mouth curling up in a lop sided grimace again. His thumb had frozen, hovering over the fingerprint scanner. He lowered his gaze down at the phone, down at Mike's message.
You need money, right?
Levi shouldn’t have been surprised. Mike had hesitantly brought it up in the office, knowing well what Levi had been dealing with.
A get rich scheme? An investment scheme? An MLM? A Ponzi scheme?
He and Mike were only two people working at a back office job in a small company, proofreading documents and managing a database of clients and leads. There were days where nothing happened, days when Mike would entertain him with some lazy drawl about how soul-sucking his life back in the city and how he had decided to move back up state for multiple reasons which included the occasional mention of “getting older…” and “affordable housing prices.”
Levi couldn’t help but note that, if Mike believed he was getting older and he was only a few years older than Levi… What did that make Levi?
It didn’t help at all that he was also blabbering about a love life, about some person he met on the internet.
Levi remembered his stories in parts, but he never listened closely enough to put names to descriptions. He didn’t remember a lot of his own responses, but he’d spare the occasional piece of information about himself to at least show he was listening. It wouldn’t be surprising if it somehow slipped that he could be in dire need of money anytime soon. After all, his financial issues seemed to be an overwhelming part of his everyday life, it was almost laughable how it had felt like a part of his identity already.
You said you needed funds right? If you're game for it, we could talk. I swear it’s legit.
The emoji right after it was unnecessary, the screenshot from Mike's online date was the main topic. The words “Get rich quick!!!” had too many exclamation points right next to it.
Levi narrowed his eyes at the screenshot. He wasn’t stupid. The tackier the design the more likely it was to be fake, the more question marks or exclamation points next to it, the more likely it could be fake.
The Levi of a few months ago, hell of a year ago, would have been a lot more prudent with the opportunities he was entertaining. Still, time and circumstances had Levi more curious, and a little more open.
What is it?
Mike’s reply came almost immediately.
Told Nanaba about my financially struggling friend. She sent me this.
Levi locked his phone, even before Mike could have finished typing his next message.
Nanaba, that was Mike's internet friend, or girlfriend. One of those.
A get rich quick scheme? From virtually a stranger on the internet? It was either an MLM, a Ponzi scheme and most likely not at all a clean way to earn quick money soon. The more Levi started, the more he gathered his thoughts and considered his circumstances, he couldn't help but think, it wasn't a question of what methods there were to earn quick. It was becoming a question of how desperate Levi was.
Every get rich scheme is a scam. Her voice echoed in his head again, like the many times she had lectured him like the know-it-all she is many years ago.
She grew up with money. She played the stock market like it was the lottery. Just thinking about her brought with it a slew of intrusive thoughts.
Oh, if she could hear what he was up to now. No wonder she broke up with you. Levi bit his lip before the sardonic smile could settle between them. Cynicism grew on him with each stroke of misfortune and sometimes, all he could do was entertain any attempt to twist it into dark humor.
"Levi!!" A bright and quirky voice sounded right behind him, a voice Levi knew too well.
He didn't know yet if he was happy to see that mop of red hair and those mischievous green eyes or if he was starting to feel a little more stressed than a second ago. "Nice to finally see you out here!" Isabel chirped. She sat on the seat in front of him and pushed the tea towards him.
He felt the stare a good few seconds before he looked up to meet her gaze. What she wanted to say was evident in the natural mischief which came with her wide grin. But she had grown up. She was a lot more careful.
"What.” Levi deadpanned.
Isabel’s expression was frozen in an awkward smile, her grin slightly lopsided and when Levi narrowed his eyes, he couldn't twitch.
“I feel like I know what you’re gonna say,” Levi said.
"There's no reason to,” Isabel said. The answer was obviously rehearsed, painfully artificial.
He dropped his shoulders and let out a long huff. “Happy break-versary to me,” Levi said. A soft mutter was enough to take some weight off of his chest.
“You’re still thinking about that? I know okay— it was just some stupid attempt to help you get over it. I was a kid— It was just one time.” She was blabbering for a minute or so, before something dawned in her green eyes. She bit her lip and looked away. “ I’m sorry, I didn’t know it would hurt that much.” She was hyper aware of it and rightfully apologetic, a far cry from Isabel who had graduated high school more than two years ago.
“You’re growing up.” Levi scooted to his side, a sign enough for Isabel to slide next to him on the booth. “Better late than ever.”
“Hey, at least I made it...” Isabel smiled wryly. It was a lot different seeing her in person, after two long years of only seeing her through video chat during birthdays and special occasions.
The deepr Levi thought about it though, the sooner he realized, two years wasn’t a long time. What made it feel like so long, was the fact that he had grown up with, and for a time, had seen her almost every day. If anything, the abrupt shift in the trajectories of their lives had made years feel like decades.
“At least,” Levi huffed. He didn’t look back at her, the years had somehow made him harder and strangely, even showing a smile to a long time friend left a sour taste in his mouth.
Isabel sensed it. “You missed me,” she said playfully.
“Maybe I did,” Levi shrugged with a light nod but he was in no mood to complement that confession with a little smile in her direction. It was easier anyway to look down, focusing instead on the manicured wood of the cafe table. “What now? Why invite us all the way out here?”
Isabel turned to Farlan. “Because…” Her eyes lit up in excitement. “I got it.”
“Got what?”
“Got a scholarship,” she said. “I’m leaving the state.”
Levi raised one eyebrow. “Leaving?”
Isable nodded. “I completed enough units here, and applied for a transfer a while back. Then, I got the scholarship.I’m moving out of state!”
Slowly, Levi averted his gaze, settling instead for the view outside the window. He was proud of her, enough for a sliver of a smile to peek through his stone exterior, but he couldn’t help but feel a tad bit pressured.
He was an older brother to both Isabel and Farlan. Being much older than them, he couldn't’ help but bear this unwelcome expectation to have achieved more—- experienced more. How could he be of guidance to them or how could he be some exemplar, when they’d be experiencing a lot more than he did?
He had never even left the state.
When everyone was cruising downhill with every new opportunity coming their way, Levi found himself unable to actually cover any distance. He was too busy putting out fires, and there had just been to many of them to even consider taking a deep breath. He was balancing two jobs, taking care of his mom, taking care of himself, taking care of Isabel… Farlan.
He didn’t even know what he wanted to do anymore.
He was a failure, and he wondered when Farlan and Isabel eventually would realize he was probably more of a liability than a guiding beacon.
Isabel was expecting something, evident in the way her eyes had lit up in multiple shades of green. Pressured, Levi opened his mouth to speak, long before his mind had come up with anything else to say.
By god’s grace, Farlan appeared only a few seconds later. “Surprise,” Farlan placed the tray gently on the coffee table. “That’s why I brought you here. Did you forget?”
Levi opened his mouth. Forget what? He was ready to ask. Shame bubbled inside him.
Isable cleared her throat. “I’m leaving soon… Farlan visits and I know he’ll make the occasional trip out to see me, but you’ve been busy and… I know even now, we live just an hour away… yet you never have the time to visit.”
“Work… My mother… A lot of things were happening,” Levi explained.
“Yeah, Farlan filled me in.” Isabel grabbed for her drink on the tray and propped it on the table. “If possible, I wanted to pay one more visit… sometime this weekend, send something over to your mother, tell her what I’m up to.”
“She’d appreciate it,” Levi said. “But I’ll still have to ask her. She might not be up to it now.”
“It’s back, isn’t it?” Isabel flashed him a wry smile. Farlan’s eyes fell on his hands gripping the edge of the table.
Levi shrugged. He wasn’t always superstitious, but it didn’t hurt to just not mention it. “Treatments, medication, doctor’s Visits…” Hospital bills…Debt. He trailed off before those last two words morphed into something almost audible, right at the tip of his tongue.
He didn’t wanna take any chances with any heavy words.
Illness and health were taboo for obvious reasons.
Money was also taboo, for him and for other people. After all, there were only so many ways someone could react to a topic as unnerving as financial issues. Some would insist. Some would offer. Some would brush past any mention of financial constraint, but he had interacted with people enough to know, if someone mentioned ‘money,’ the weight of the conversation remained, long after the topic had been shifted to something much lighter.
Besides, he didn’t want charity. He didn’t want to obligate anyone either, nor did he want to leave anyone to share that same unavoidable weight that came with facing starvation and eviction right in the face everyday.
Farlan and Isabel— hell, their families, were all well past that, and he wasn’t pulling anyone back into his hellhole.
“But it’s getting better right? Auntie Kuchel’s okay… I know she had that scare a few years back, but—- ” Isabel asked.
“You know my mother. She’ll never tell you if she wasn’t.”
Farlan flashed Isabel a knowing look and the stare he gave Levi right was observing— judging. Farlan’s gaze could have been boring holes into Levi as they spoke.
“What?” Levi gripped his cup ready to take a sip of tea, if Isabel and Farlan hadn’t been right on top of him in a second.
Isabel shrugged. “It just feels weird…”
“What’s wro–”
“What Isabel means… is you’re one to talk. You’re just like your mom anyway. You don’t tell us about any problems, and we have to dig it out of you.”
“I tell you guys things. When was the last time I didn’t?”
Farland subtly waved his hand at the table— no, he was waving his hand at nothing, which could mean anything. In his own way, he had shed light on many things, before Levi could make sense of them.
Levi was living with the weight of a chronically ill mother, his only living and present relative.
Levi was constantly counting down the days to his next paycheck, any disposable income he had sent home to his mother.
Every disposable piece of his day was spent coming up with any other subsidies or straight up cash to take his mother through another dialysis session.
Lastly, he was particularly in a sullen mood over something which seemed to rear its head only during the autumn months.
“Well, right after you graduated…”
Levi hadn’t even been there for the toga or the pictures. His diploma had been sent to him by mail. That sent a tingle through his spine and something much more jarring than that. Levi gripped the hand of the table for some support, right at the moment when saliva jammed at his throat, sending him in a coughing fit.
“Easy, there.” Farlan or Isabel? Levi couldn’t tell.
No, he wasn’t over her. To rub salt on the wound, it had been five years. Although he should have been over her, his body seemed to be protesting the natural process of moving on. When he fought hardest, he found himself lethargic, nauseous and every other emotion in between.
But nobody should have been cringing at hearing any allusion to their ex-partner, not when he had a job, a mother to take care of and a mountain of debt from hospital bills to think about. Levi took a sip of tea, with the expectation that that would have been enough to clear his throat, with the expectation that hot water would have been enough to pull him violently back to reality.
Instead, he choked again, coughed, and embarrassingly, the tea spilled back out onto the cup, the taste climbing up his nostrils, then his forehead.
As dizzying as he had expected it to be.
“You okay?”
“Black tea?” Levi coughed one more time. “You got black tea?”
“There wasn’t anymore green tea, and you said ‘whatever’s there, so I thought—,” Farlan explained. “You really don’t want it?”
Levi shook his head. “I just haven’t had it in years.”
Choosing not to drink black tea was both a conscious and unconscious decision. It was his favorite tea for a reason. The luster taste that lingered in his mouth was both nostalgic and uninviting. It held memories of countless comfortable long nights at home with his mother, countless comfortable long nights in the cafe with her, and lastly, the vivid memory of one long night in the cafe, that dwarfed the rest through profundity alone.
He was sad. And if he hadn’t been sad enough, the walk to the cafe aggravated it. If he hadn’t been tired enough after a long day of work, he probably could have tucked every inconvenience to some little corner of his mind. If the issues,from the rising debt to the stress from the work and ultimately to the wrong timing of everything, didn’t loom heavily over him, maybe he would have had a little more control over himself.
The black tea was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
It was a miracle Levi had been able to stand up without shaking, and force the words out of his mouth in the calmest of tones. “I’m going home early today. Gotta catch up on work.” He kept that last part vague, his mind completely incapable of thinking anything else.
He didn’t do work outside the office but they didn’t need to know that. His room was cleaned, and his cat had been fed for the day but Isabel and Farlan didn’t need to do that.”
“Wait, why? We just got here!” Isabel protested.
“We plan another one. Maybe this weekend or something… It’s just a busy week.” With the few seconds that passed, it had gotten easier to speak but Levi was running on reserves.
He was tired, unspeakably tired, and despite the protests and the questions, all Levi could do was hold his hand to his face and mindlessly scroll, putting on some airs of business. He walked out the cafe without hesitation, not even doing much to shield himself from the cold autumn wind.
There was nothing much else he could do about the ubiquitous splashes of red, nor about the smell of tea that lingered on his sleeves. He couldn’t do much about the weight of his emotions and the sour mood that accompanied it.
There were still, however, a few feeble efforts he could make, like taking his sweet time. In the end, Levi took the long way. He took the first bus home, a bus skirting the edges of their downtown area, leaving him room to trace the edges of a few clusters of buildings, then the pathetic skyline of a small town. He alighted five stops away from his apartment, turning what would have been a five minute walk to an hour long one.
In the silence and peace that came with walking their small town in late fall, Levi had carved out for himself some time to reflect.
That half day of work was still enough to have him completely exhausted. He took the afternoon off to meet Farlan, and for some reason, they had agreed to that town. He couldn’t say no, and it made sense after all, especially since that was where Isable studied.
It turned out, dealing with the flashbacks that came with seeing the town he hadn’t visited in years was another monster altogether.
He closed his eyes, focused on keeping his breathing in sync with the cadence of his footsteps. The bite of the wind was somehow sharper on his skin when there was nothing to look at, or nothing to see.
Autumn was many things. It was cold yet comfortable. It was a burning hearthfire, and it had a characteristic scent to it. The teachers once explained that it was the scent of dying leaves and withering flowers, and one did mention that it was something unique to the upstate area.
Levi wouldn’t know anything else. His mother had brought him upstate soon after he was born. She told him once he had been born in the slums in the city, and he had lived his earliest years there, but admittedly, Levi had been too young to remember.
And there had been no reason to leave anyway.
And there had been no time to.
Errands, work, responsibilities, obligations, growing old… relationships…
Sometimes the world was beautiful, but when there was no time or leeway to appreciate or admire it, it could only ever be ugly.
Levi had skipped the coffee shop where he worked. It was a squat shop that proudly held some Tripadvisor certificate for being ‘worth the drive.’ He had skipped the park that had been famous for being some viewing site for migratory birds in the summer.
When he stepped onto the porch and placed his hand on the doorknob, he was thinking once again of work, bills, chores and his next visit back home to his mother.
Errands, work, responsibilities, obligations, growing old… relationships…
Even after that disaster of an afternoon, he found he wasn’t thinking about her.
Honey had been by the windowsill, like she always was by the time Levi made his way down the hallway of their apartment floor.
And when Levi started to unlock the door, she would jump down. From the other side of the door, he would hear the soft taps on the wood. When he opened the door, he would hear the meows and purrs, as the tabby striped calico cat padded his way towards Levi, lightly like a fairy, eyes glowing green even under the dim light of his apartment.
Levi had enough energy in him to respond with a pat on her bed, before he leaned back on the wall and slipped on the floor right next to the door, and took a deep breath.
Levi had lived with a cat for years, yet he was still very much sensitive to the sharp and tangy odor of some mix of kitty litter and feces.
Surprisingly, a cat had turned out to be a more welcome addition than a mistake, even for someone as fastidious about cleanliness as Levi.
Honey let out a yowl as she moved to the empty bowl right next to the small rickety dining table. It was her dinner time.
That was the magic of a cat. Despite what everyone had said about the loyalty of a cat, Honey seemed to be particularly perceptive to Levi’s needs. When she wasn’t comforting Levi, she was at least enough of a presence, enough of a responsibility, that it pushed him to go about his routines albeit perfunctorily, and that was all Levi needed.
The litter box needed cleaning. The cat needed feeding. And if he wasn’t running on energy reserves, he was running on some substitute of adrenaline, which was at least enough to temporarily brush off the weight of exhaustion, just long enough to pull himself off of the floor, and go through the motions of chores.
It was five in the afternoon, and by half past five, he had cleaned everything, pulled a cup of yogurt from the fridge. By six, he was under the blankets.
Yet, that was what Levi had been planning, since he started to notice the trees take up more uniform shades of orange. He’d coop up in his room, pull the duvet over his head like he was some moving corpse, take a few deep breaths in some drowsy rhythm, sleep if he were lucky, read if he were unlucky. That day, if he were particularly unlucky and if god decided that he was the chew toy for that day, Levi would think about Hange.
As if he didn’t think about her everyday. Hange would have probably been working like she always did, she would have been happily reading through some science journal or replicating some experiment some poor sap had written out for his master’s thesis.
She would have been productive. She would be studying, working, networking or anything that would have counted as progress.
Hange had broken up with him in the November of a leap year and Levi admittedly was a fucking loser for remembering. Levi had just been terribly good at counting or he had just been terribly good at remembering autumn shades like they were embedded in the palette of his vision. Maybe, that ache in his chest, that weight on his shoulders and every single landmark in that college town were all just terribly good at reminding him, making sure he did count.
If his own memories with her weren’t so all encompassing, if they didn’t so much as blink like a searchlight over the sleepless nights, maybe he would have gotten over things much faster.
Maybe that was why she decided to end it.
It was a distraction, or that was what Hange had coldly called it, as she laid out her plans to move to the city. In fact, Levi should have seen it coming and he was stupid forgetting blindsided, especially when she had so casually explained that…
“My career takes precedence.”
Levi on the other hand, had said so naively that “relationships take precedence” especially, since he couldn’t fall off the face of the earth, not when his mother needed him.
And his mother was always texting.
His phone buzzed and Levi blinked back in pain as he opened his phone in the total darkness of the duvet.
As expected, it was his mother.
Where are you? Are you okay?
If he could, Levi would never make her wait for a response. In the apartment. I’m fine. He always made sure to pepper it with some other attempt to rephrase something as simple as “i’m fine,” if only to avoid a very uncomfortable and very unnecessary back and forth.
Worrying would only worsen her already precarious condition. So, just in case, he had another obligation on his back: not to worry about his mother.
I’ll visit tomorrow after work.
Then stay for the weekend.
He didn’t have to add that last part. He always went home for the weekends, but if it gave his mother some peace of mind, he would.
Take care of yourself.
He added a few minutes of idle time later, as he turned on his bed, lay on his back and pulled his duvet over him.
His phone buzzed again, piercing through the thin veil of attempted sleep. Levi sighed, pulling his phone from his bedside.
Another message from Mike.
You thought about it?
In fact, Levi didn’t have enough information to think about it. He typed out some filler response to at least get Mike talking.
No MLMs.
The response came almost immediately.
It isn’t an MLM.
Drugs? Levi’s mind was going in wild directions. If Levi were honest with himself, he wasn’t completely above selling drugs either if circumstances forced his hand.
It’s something illegal. Levi responded.
The chat bubble floated in front for a bit longer, as Mike typed out a response.
No quick money is 100% legal.
One chat bubble later.
But it’s less illegal.
Either something is legal or it isn’t, but Levi couldn’t help but feel some comfort at the consolation of something being less legal.
“I’m all ears.” He said to himself aloud as he typed it onto his phone.
Just confirming the details with Nanaba…. And would you rather meet up… or call about it?
Deciding how to go about the details required a little more use of his brain, and the exhaustion of a little more functional brain cells than he believed he had. So, Levi didn’t respond immediately. There was a missed call a few minutes later, and Levi opted to ignore it, closing his eyes if only to convince himself that he was too asleep to answer.
Eventually, he did fall asleep.
The next time he checked his phone, less than an hour had passed. Below the time was the banner was a notification banner.
Another message from Mike.
Let's chat after work tomorrow.
Levi sighed. He made a mental note to tell his mother he’d be arriving home a little late that Friday night.
It was already dark outside, and if Levi had the time and luxury to make himself comfortable in bed, he would have happily dozed off, Honey having made herself at home with what little space she had on the bed. But she wasn’t relaxed either. She had only been curled up next to him for a few minutes or so before her ears perked up again and she jumped out of bed.
Sounds followed, footsteps from just outside the door, some whispers, then a knock on the door.
“Who’s there?” Levi said, his voice as a rasp.
Small cheap studio apartments just didn’t afford the space to even allow him to ignore the sounds.
“You sure he’s home.”
“His mom said he’s home.”
“If he’s not?”
“We wait. He’ll have to come home eventually.”
If it were any other voices, it would have been the start of a kidnapping or maybe even a murder case.
The burr of a low timbre and the remnants of a country accent, and a high pitched voice right next to it. It has only been two hours, Levi would have been crazy not to recognize them.
Ironically, it was when there were people there, just on the other side of the door did Levi feel the loneliest.
Or maybe, he had always been lonely. It was the presence of the people closest to him, far away enough for Levi to struggle to feel their presence, yet still close enough to be within reach, did the feeling become more palpable.
He was lonely. He was relieved to know they were there. He was excited to see them.
The emotions were strong and undeniable, manifesting in that burst of energy that had him carrying his lead-filled body towards the door. He was careful with his footsteps, making sure they padded on the floor as lightly as would his cat.
“Why did you guys come?” he asked, as he pulled open the door.
“We brought dinner.” It was just like Isabel, not to answer the question.
Levi looked away, stifling the glimmer of a smile that played at his lips. Isabel and Farland would always go that extra mile for him if he didn’t stop them.
They had been friends for years, and it was apparent how Farlan quickly shifted from a guest to roommate. He made for the stove with little to no hesitation, then he pulled out plates, chipped cups, and dishes, and laid them out on the table.
“How did you find me?” Levi asked.
“Your mom,” Farlan said tersely, looking too focused on the positions of the plates and balancing them on a rickety table than on responding.
In truth, even before Farlan answered, Levi had an idea of what his friend would have said, and maybe Farlan knew that Levi would have figured it anyway. They had known each other far too long.
Just in case, Isabel continued for him. “We drove all the way to your mom’s place, asked about you.”
“And she texted me—” Levi said.
Isabel grinned knowingly, as she eyed Levi’s phone. “You’d never leave your mom on read.”
Those two knew him well and with how he was feeling, their unannounced visit had come out more heartwarming than irritating. Levi set his phone aside, stood up and settled next to Farlan, pulling burgers one by one out of the paper bag.
“Did we force you?” Farlan asked.
“No. I needed to get out,” Levi said.
“You know, we’re sorry about everything,” Isabel added.
“No, I should have visited more often,” Levi said, perfectly aware that he didn’t for selfish reasons.
“It’s just a bus ride away, so I thought…” Isabel was uncharacteristically slow with her speech. She was careful, and Levi wondered how vulnerable he looked for Isabel to have to watch him, then watch herself.
“I thought I’d find time to come,” Levi admitted.
Isabel shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. Home is only an hour and a half away. I can drive now. I’ll come back home more often.”
Farlan plopped on the couch next to him as he set two bottles on the table, one in front of Isabel and one in front of himself.
For some reason, bottled iced tea didn’t have the same effect as that hot tea served in a paper cup. He could pretend it was a different specimen altogether. Levi popped the cap off and stared at the mild and comfortable shade of green.
Levi pulled the tea closer, the scent wafted, it tickled his nose, then it soured. “You probably get why I didn’t visit?”
Isabel was perceptive. She sighed in exasperation. “It’s been years. You’ll coop up again? Over one failed relationship?”
“Isa—”
“You’ll let it manipulate you? You’ll let Hange decide what you like and don’t like?” Isabel pressed.
Hange. He hadn’t heard that name in a while, and he didn’t expect her name to send a wave of incomprehensible emotions banging at his chest and rushing to his cheeks. Was he ashamed? Was he angry? Was he regretful.
One thing was for sure, it was difficult to move.
Farlan interjected. “Levi, I’ll be honest. I don’t think Hange’s spending her years post-break up moping about this.”
The way Farlan had phrased it should have hit him or slammed him against the wall somehow, but Levi had already accepted it a long time ago. Hange probably wasn’t thinking about him, and she probably never would be thinking about him.
It had been five years, which meant that Hange could be done with medical school. She might even be filling out application forms for residency as they spoke. Suddenly, Levi was self conscious for having her timeline down to the details.
It should have been understandable though. How many times had she told him about her plans? And how many of those times did he end up contributing nothing at all?
Farlan was likely right. She probably was occupying herself with a million other things
“You’re saying I’m moping?” Levi asked with one eyebrow raised. “Over Hange?”
“Looks to me like it.”
Levi shook his head and took a sip. “Seems like an exaggeration to me.”
Farlan narrowed his eyes on Levi. “We haven’t seen you in months. You ran home in the middle of a conversation. You haven’t drunk tea in years.”
“That still isn’t moping.” Moping was different. A change in preferences wasn’t moping. Shrinking like a violet wasn’t moping. Levi took a sip. “Besides, a lot’s happening. With my mother, with my job… and the shitty healthcare system here and corrupt insurance companies, and you think I’m moping over a five-year old heart break?”
“We don’t think it. We know,” Farlan said. He was painfully annoying. He wasn’t as yappy as Isabel, nor was he as pushy. He wasn’t out-of-touch either. Yet he made up for all of it, with that perceptive look, with his comments that seemed to skirt some intersection between cryptic and self righteous. “It’s probably not the heaviest thing on your plate, but it’s there. It’s been years, but it still hurts… it’s hurting you more than you’d like to admit.”
Levi couldn’t help but feel some sort of frustration at the sheer audacity of it all. Farlan was his best friend, and had been for years. Farlan would find a way to read his mind. He’d investigate when he wasn’t on some grind or out on some work-related trip, but then and there, he had taken control. If Levi’s emotions were a horse he had tethered into the back of his mind, Farlan was like an intruder that had untied the reins, and set the horse free.
And if Levi didn’t suppress it, if he didn’t catch it by the tail and pull it back in before it became rampant, he might just lose control.
“Sorry, I’m done for the night,” Levi murmured. “Just leave my share here, will clean it tomorrow morning.”
“Wait Levi—”
“Isabel, just let him go,” Farlan said.
For that, Levi was grateful. He locked the door, turned off the lights, and pulled himself under the covers once again. Honey had followed him back into the room, squeezing herself right next to him on his pillow, and she had fallen asleep much more quickly than he did.
Levi was up for thirty minutes or even an hour longer. It was long enough to hear the murmurs die, to hear the rustle of plastic then the whoosh of water as they were probably cleaning up.
He heard footsteps, then a knock on the door.
He didn’t answer.
“Maybe Levi’s asleep already?”
More footsteps. Then the distant clack as the entrance door clicked close.
His phone vibrated, and the bell on Honey’s collar clanged as she shook to the sudden buzz. A cacophony of sounds and sensations that shook him out of his half slumber.
He turned on his phone, not bothering to unlock it.
One favor, for me and for Isabel. Don’t coop up.
Let’s go somewhere, maybe this weekend or next.
Will text you.
The next message had been from Isabel.
Don’t turn off your phone, don’t fall off the face of the earth. We’re worried.
Levi probably would have waited till morning to say anything, if Honey had not walked over him to switch to the other side of the bed, and if more importantly, if Mike hadn’t left a message which required a little more urgency.
We chat over drinks?
Don’t fall off the phase of the earth, right? Levi thought to himself. He replied with a thumbs up and a beer emoji, set his phone on silent and practically strained his back and his shoulder to keep it all the way at the end of the side desk.
He was done with distractions for the night.
“Wait a minute…. Your friend, Nanaba… she wants me to pimp myself to her friend for money?”
“Pimp? That’s way too strong of a word,” Mike said. He was an unusual shade of pink, and that annoying sniffing sound he’d make was much louder. Two mugs of beer in however, Levi wasn’t as irritated as he would have been on a noramal day in the office. “Besides, I’d say the process is a lot more formal than pimping, albeit just a little illegal.”
“But it's practically compromising my relationships… for money?” Levi slurred. Compromise your relationships? That sounded like way too pretentious of a phrase. Maybe he just became a little more eloquent with some alcohol.
“Technically, you’re not compromising your relationships. Coz it can't actually AFFECT your relationships... You’re just…” Mike hummed in thought.
Levi narrowed his eyes at Mike until his own vision blurred before him. He wondered if he would have been able to have that same conversation sober, and he wondered if he should be agreeing to this now. This type of decision required lots of consideration.
When he was tipsy though, his mind seemed to wander a lot more quickly, and it was that wandering towards memories of his mother, of calls with insurance companies and racking medical bills, that convinced him at least, he needed money quick. There was no time for inhibitions, and alcohol got rid of inhibitions, and admittedly maybe he just wasn't seeing nuance as quickly as he was seeing quick and easy money.
“Prostituting myself in a semi-legal manner…” Levi came upon those words after a brief silence and forced a mouthful of beer down his throat. He cleared his throat.
“It’s not prostitution either.” Mike waved one hand in emphasis. “It’s just easy money, and once it’s all over, you can break it off, you know….As long as she gets what she needs…” He took one chug.
“So it’s glorified prostitution?” Levi pressed. The alcohol was making it harder to inhibit his speech, and his ability to distinguish was getting much and much lower.
Mike sighed, slammed the beer in surrender, and turned to Levi. “Look it's not prostitution, coz just because you’re gonna be married, doesn’t mean you have to fuck her.”