Chapter Text
“What happens if a boy likes a boy or a girl likes a girl?”
One of Laura Lee’s earliest memories took place in the children’s room in her Southern Baptist church when she was 4, a room that held the purpose of teaching the children of the church that were too young for the prayer service about the bible. She vividly remembered the youth pastor freezing, his sickly sweet smile falling into a scowl. His hands clenched around the faded, old copy of The New Illustrated Children’s Bible . It was weird, for despite how vivid the memory was, she still felt every detail of it. She remembered how she kept shifting due to the itchy fabric of her blue dress and white tights, topped off with the pinching sensation that her dress shoes inflicted on her feet.
The room was cold, she also remembered. She could still hear the buzzing of the air conditioner just a few feet away from her. She remembered picking at a hangnail on her pinky finger, looking up every so often at the youth pastor, who was still visibly angry, but reading the bible. She could feel the other children shifting around her, the only other one of note being Jackie Taylor, who also attended her church with her family. The girl, who already had a knack for not paying attention, was picking at the carpet with one hand, the other playing with the frills on her yellow dress. To the other side of her was Vanessa Palmer, who fared no better when it came to paying attention.
She also remembered the question was asked by Natalie Scatorccio, a short brunette girl who was seated just behind Laura Lee. Laura Lee didn’t remember much of that day, except being seated between her two older brothers near the tail end of communion when the children were returned to their parents, looking out the glass door of the Communion Daycare room, watching as Natalie stood next to her father. The youth pastor stood in front of them, talking.
Laura Lee was not good at reading people. It was a skill she was chastised for before she even had the ability to remember.
“Read the room, Laura.”
“ Don’t be a smartass. You know what you did.”
“Can’t you see my face? Of course I’m angry. Go to your room.”
Despite this, she found herself being able to pinpoint the exact emotion permeating from the two men directed at the young girl, that being rage. Natalie’s father gripped her shoulder roughly, the sleeve of her dress bunching up as she winced under the weight of his hand, on the verge of tears. The man looked at the pastor then back at Natalie, his face showcasing nothing but rage as the youth pastor talked, who was also looking very upset.
Laura Lee frowned at the sight, before going back to focusing on attempting to adjust her dress shoes, which were pinching her heels tightly, despite them being covered in the uncomfortable fabric of her tights. After realizing there was nothing that would quench the feeling of discomfort throughout her body whilst wearing the outfit, she sighed, looking down at Leonard, tentatively petting the stuffed bear’s fur. Eventually, she went back to watching her father’s Sunday Service, seeing as he was the Pastor.
However, one thing was made clear from that memory.
She would never like a girl.
It sounded simple enough. She would do whatever she could to remain a perfect child of god. Why should that be an issue?
It in fact, was a very big issue.
Laura Lee was 6 years old when she met Lottie. The girl had moved in across the street in the large 4 story house across from Laura Lee’s matching house. Laura Lee hid behind her mother’s leg as Lottie did the same with her own mother as the older woman chatted.
Every so often, Laura Lee would peek her head out every so often, and the brunette girl would meet her eyes, offering a shy smile. Their mothers eventually acquainted the girls, having them tell each other their names.
As expected, the older woman quickly got annoyed by the two girl’s presences, and having to censor their housewife gossip, so they sent the girls to Lottie’s new room. Laura Lee winced as she felt the stairs creak under her as she and Lottie silently ascended the staircase. The house felt empty, which was a given seeing as the family was still moving it. Despite this, it still creeped Laura Lee out, as if the house was haunted.
Soon enough, the two made it to Lottie’s room, which flaunted freshly painted pink walls, which filled the room up with the pungent new paint smell, which Laura Lee was glad that she didn’t mind.
“I like your pink walls. My parents wouldn’t let me paint my walls a cool color,” Laura Lee said shyly, clutching Leonard in her arms.
The brunette shrugged the compliment off.
“I didn’t want pink. My mom picked it out. I wanted a heliotrope,” Lottie sighed, playing with the pretty white ribbon in her hair.
Laura Lee’s blue eyes squinted in confusion.
“What’s a heliotrope?” she whispered.
“It’s basically purple. I saw a really pretty shade of it at the paint store called heliotrope, but my mom said it was ghostly- I mean ghastly , so I couldn’t get it, and she chose pink,” Lottie told her, sitting on her fluffy carpet, Laura Lee sitting in suit.
“What does ghastly mean?” Laura Lee asked.
“I don’t know,” Lottie admitted. “But I think it’s bad.”
“Oh,” Laura Lee mumbled, hugging Leonard closer.
There was a long pause between the two girls. Laura Lee looked around. The room had practically everything. A large, queen sized bed with soft, pink blankets tucked under the pillows, a little white quilt at the foot of the bed, adorned with a stuffed Bambi resting upon it. The shelves simply had a few books, vibrant and spines unscathed from lack of use. Every so often there were small trinkets, like a ceramic animal or a stuffed animal.
Everything was so neat. No specks of dirt or crayon on the walls. No toys or clothes on the floor. Not even wrinkles upon the spines of her books. It felt so fake. So unlived in, as if she was looking at an exhibit in a museum.
“I like your bear,” Lottie says suddenly.
Laura Lee pauses from surveying the girl’s room, turning her attention to the brunette. She smiled at her warmly, hugging the bear to her chest.
“Thanks,” she whispered shyly.
“What is its name?” Lottie prodded.
“Leonard,” Laura Lee muttered, her blue eyes falling to Lottie’s stuffed Bambi , which laid upon the quilt, untouched.
“What’s their name?” Laura Lee asked, gesturing to the plush.
Lottie followed her gaze, giving her a wry smile as she grabbed it. Unlike Laura Lee, she didn’t clutch it towards her, as if trying to make it a part of her. Instead, the brown eyed girl simply held it, as if she had no connection to it.
“What do you think?” Lottie chuckled sarcastically, sitting down next to Laura Lee, Bambi in hand.
The blonde giggled, showcasing her dimples with her bright smile.
“Maybe I should give him a different name. Bambi is kinda a dumb name,” Lottie chuckles.
“No it’s not! I think Bambi is a great name,” Laura Lee tells her, her hand falling upon the stuffed deers' head.
“Fine,” Lottie sighs. “I’ll keep it Bambi.”
The rest of the day is spent in Lottie’s room, playing with their stuffed animals as their mothers spoke and talked downstairs. Laura Lee found herself sneaking glances at Lottie every so often, in which when Lottie met her gaze, she was offered a smile, causing the blonde’s face to go warm.
After a while, the alarm clock which was placed upon Lottie’s nightstand began to blare, causing Laura Lee to look at the brunette with confusion. It was the middle of the day, so why would Lottie need an alarm to go off in her room? Incidentally, she heard an alarm go off a few rooms down as well.
“What’s the noise for?” Laura Lee tentatively asked, worrying Leonard's fur with her small fingers.
Lottie blinked.
“To remind me to take my medicine,” she sighs, watching as the door opens, revealing a woman with graying hair and a uniform on, handing the brunette a small pill and a glass of water.
Laura Lee watched in confusion.
“Are you sick? You don’t sound sick,” Laura Lee mumbles.
Her blue eyes flicked Lottie up and down, trying to find the source of a sickness, or even a sign of it, but nothing stood out.
Lottie shrugs, swallowing the pill with the water, and handing it back to the woman, who quickly retreats from the room.
“My father says I’m sick, but I don’t feel sick,” Lottie admits.
Laura Lee raises a brow, confused.
“If you don’t feel sick, then why do you have to take the medicine?” the blonde asks, eliciting a shrug from the taller girl.
The room falls into silence as the two girls ponder the conversation they just had.
“Can I braid your hair?” Lottie asks abruptly.
Laura Lee pauses, startled by the questions abruptness. Despite this, she nods, crawling over and sitting in front of Lottie, her back to the brunette.
Laura Lee leans into Lottie as the girl runs her fingers through her blonde hair, softly and gently prying on it, but not in a way that causes discomfort to the blonde. No, in fact, Laura Lee felt relaxed, as if her tiny body could sink into the floor at any moment. She shut her eyes, no longer anxious from the silence of the room, instead comforted by it. She heard Lottie exhale behind her as she completely leaned against her, seeking her warmth.
A warm feeling enveloped her face once again, but she didn’t mind it.
Wiskayok was a relatively small town. Everyone knew everyone. This of course meant, by the beginning of middle school, everyone had people pegged as something.
Vanessa Palmer (who went by Van) was the class clown, always coming in from recess covered in mud, and almost always being sent out into the hall by Mrs. Samuels.
Misty Quigley, a serial rule follower, and in Randy’s words; an annoying ‘know it all’, but personally, Laura Lee didn’t mind her.
Taissa Turner, a girl who, as smart as she was, had trouble keeping in her temper when it came to the annoying boys in the classroom.
Jackie Taylor, a girl in which boys drool after, yet despite this, had been nothing but nice to Laura Lee, and everyone else she was seen interacting with.
Shauna Shipman, practically Jackie’s guard dog, spent every class period glaring at the boys who even remotely looked Jackie’s way.
Lottie Matthews, Laura Lee’s best friend since Kindergarten, and one of the few friends that Laura Lee had that her parents approved of.
Laura Lee (herself), who unfortunately was hailed as the “ Jesus Freak ” a title in which was given to her due to her strong faith, and the fact her father was the pastor.
And lastly, Natalie Scatorccio. Akin to Van, she finds herself in trouble a lot, but not for the same reasons.
While Van would get sent into the hallway for making Lucy Carpenter laugh so hard milk came out her nose, Natalie would be sent out for stabbing Randy Walsh with a pencil so hard he had to be sent to the nurse.
Despite her troubled nature, Laura Lee had no qualms about Natalie. Despite the issues and mayhem she may have caused in class, Laura Lee knew the brunette had a good heart. What Mrs. Samuels didn’t know when she sent the girl into the hall after stabbing Randy was a pencil, was that moments before, he had told Misty “shut the hell up” about her pet cats, in which caused the pencil to be driven so far into his arm, Laura Lee couldn’t see the black tip of the lead before the pencil was pulled out.
Suffice to say, Laura Lee had no issue with Natalie.
However, that didn’t mean Natalie didn’t have an issue with her.
The situation started at lunch, where each middle school class was sorted by homeroom, each class getting a large table. Laura Lee seated herself right next to Lottie, as per usual, with Natalie sitting on her other side, chatting with Van who sat across from them. All was relatively peaceful, or as peaceful as a lunch with a bunch of 11 and 12 year old middle schoolers could get.
Laura Lee’s blue eyes wandered to Natalie. Laura Lee was made well aware that she has a staring problem, especially around girls. Despite this, that was not the source of her staring. The room was filled with the pungent smell of spaghetti caked in grimey sauce and practically crunchy meatballs. Laura Lee never enjoyed school lunch, yet every other day, when her older sister didn’t have time to make her lunch, she was sent to school with $4 in hand, told by her mother to “not buy crap,” so she still found herself, like many other students, eating the school lunch.
Many did not mean all, seeing as Natalie was excluded from this. Laura Lee, despite what most said, wasn’t that dumb. She noticed some things, most notably patterns and repetition. In this case, this was not the first time the brunette did not have lunch. In fact, Laura Lee had never seen the girl with lunch.
So, that raised a question in the naive, 11 year old Laura Lee’s brain.
“Natalie, why don’t you have lunch?” she whispered.
There was a long silence that followed the comment. Not from anybody at their table or in the cafeteria. Just Natalie. Now, nobody had heard what she had said to Natalie, nobody except Natalie and Laura Lee. Despite that, Natalie’s face went red with embarrassment and rage. Laura Lee didn’t even have time to react before Natalie’s small fist reared back, and clocked the slightly taller blonde square in the nose, and sent her tumbling backwards off her seat, and onto the floor.
Chaos erupted from the table as blood sprayed from Laura Lee’s nose.
Laura Lee didn’t remember exactly what happened after that, for the burning sensation in her nose was far too much for her to focus on anything else besides clutching it with her hands as she tried to ease the pain in it. Her entire face was wet, no doubt from the blood and tears elicited following the harsh blow.
All that she did know was that Natalie, and Lottie (who were both pretty beaten and bruised) were seated next to her in the nurse's office before they were sent to the principal’s office. An awkward silence had fallen over them as the nurse left to grab more tissues for Laura Lee’s ceaselessly bleeding nose (as well as her tearful eyes.)
“You’re lucky you didn’t break her nose!” The nurse had grunted to Natalie, begrudgingly giving that girl ice for her own bruising, although all parties involved knew she didn’t want to help her at all.
The room was cold, and had the constant ticking of a clock on the wall, which Laura Lee noted compared to her watch, as she attempted to wipe the blood from it, was two minutes slow.
Two minutes and sixteen seconds slow.
“Why did you hit her?” Lottie asks suddenly, glancing over at Natalie from where she sat in the small chair.
Natalie blinked. There was an awkward silence that followed, but Natalie gave no response. Confusion bubbled in Laura Lee’s gut.
Lottie turned to the blonde next.
“Did you say something to her?” Lottie asked, gesturing to the shorter girl.
Laura Lee nodded, looking down at her dress shoes, not too dissimilar to the ones she found herself wearing to church. Well, different now, for the dress shoes had a liquid on them that was even obvious despite the dark coloring of the shoe, that of which was a vibrant red, which would have been pretty if it were there in a different context.
“I asked her why she didn’t have lunch,” she whispered.
Lottie opened her mouth, confusion in her gaze as she tried to make sense of what she was just told. The silence in the room was deafening, as if even the walls were waiting for Natalie to elaborate.
“I was embarrassed, okay?” Natalie suddenly admits, looking away from the two.
Laura Lee finds herself raising a brow, for now she is even more confused. Natalie continues, however.
“I was embarrassed that you asked that because- because I can’t really ask my dad for money, much less ask him or my mom to make food, so I just figured, y’know, who needs lunch? But- I know it wasn’t the right response, but when you asked that, I just got so embarrassed then angry and I didn’t really know how to…” she paused, trying to pick out the right words.
“I hit you, and I’m sorry, and I’m sorry to you too Lottie, because you were just trying to defend your friend, and I would do the same if Laura Lee was my friend,” she finishes.
Lottie and Laura Lee once again are in a stunned silence.
“But you are my friend, aren’t you?” Laura Lee asks, now even more confused.
Natalie raises a confused brow, wiping her red face.
“You think I’m your friend?” Natalie asked, and at the same time, Lottie asks; “ You think Natalie’s your friend? ”
Firstly, Laura Lee glares at Lottie in a way that screams be nice, before pulling the tissue away from her nose, revealing that it finally stopped bleeding. The only remnants left being the dried blood that had taken a seat just under each of her nostrils, as well as a bit more on the bridge of her nose.
“Yeah, you’re all my friends! Because after all, in Rowans 5:8, it states; God shows his love for us in that- ” she pauses at the glances the two gave her, starting again.
“Not the time for quoting the bible, but the point is god loves everyone, so I wouldn’t be a true Christian if I didn’t love you,” Laura Lee smiles, causing Natalie to raise a brow.
“So you're saying the only reason that you consider me a friend is because the bible told you so?” she asked, her voice bordering on annoyed.
Laura Lee paused, deeply considering the words she said next.
“Well… no actually. It’s just- besides today, in which your response was completely warranted, in my opinion,” she started, ignoring the concerned glances from the two at that statement before continuing. “You have been nothing but nice to me, so I kinda felt- y’know, we were friends.”
Natalie looked to be deep in thought for a moment, wringing her hands before looking up.
“Yeah, I guess we’re kinda friends,” she sighs.
Laura Lee smiles, getting up from her chair and immediately enveloping Natalie in a hug. Natalie froze, startled for a moment, staring down at her in confusion, before reciprocating the hug, glancing up at Lottie and gesturing her head slightly for the other girl to join in the hug.
“I guess we’re friends, too,” Lottie admits stubbornly, whispering the admission into Natalie’s ear, just out of Laura Lee’s detection.
Natalie sends the taller girl a goofy grin, her hand patting Laura Lee’s hair.
“I didn’t ask you to be friends, but I’ll count as you asking me very politely, so I will accept,” Natalie chuckles, sending Lottie a goofy grin.
However, despite the light-hearted conversation happening just above her within the hug, the thoughts whirling within the blonde’s head were far from light-hearted, instead bordering on miserable and confusion.
It was at that very moment that Laura Lee realized these feelings, the warmth in her face, the butterflies in her stomach, the trembling in her hands, were far from normal feelings.
And it was at that very moment she realized that she like-liked these girls, the very thing she was not supposed to do. She felt on the verge of tears, her mind numbing itself for prayers and pleads for forgiveness for these feelings- these sins.
She was a sinner.
These thoughts of guilt and self hatred follow Laura Lee throughout the rest of middle school, never ceasing. Ever since that realization of the fact she was, in fact, attracted to the same sex and not the opposite, Laura Lee has treated herself with loathing on the daily.
This loathing was not helped by the comments she received or overheard whilst at home.
Her father was seated on the couch, in front of the television as the news played, Laura Lee seated next to him, practically sinking into the couch. The balding man rested his beer on the table before them, leaning back. The news was covering the AIDS epidemic, and Laura Lee half expected the man to turn it off the moment it mentioned gay men in any capacity, yet he kept it on.
“Serves the gay bastards right,” the man chuckled drunkenly, pulling the cigarette from his mouth, blowing the smoke in front of him.
Laura Lee felt frozen, not only in horror, but in shame. He was referring to her, and the worst part is, he just didn’t know it yet. He didn’t know how much of a sinner she was. Her father, while not the gentlest man, still had never been so outright to wish harm on someone. During sermons where he had to mention queers, he simply stated they were going to hell and nothing more, but this was different.
More cruel.
“God’s punishing 'em for being sinners,” he laughed, turning to Laura Lee.
She awkwardly laughed, trying to hide her guilt. She felt bad for the men, but it left her confused when her father claimed that they deserved their pain. That she deserved it.
“They should teach you a thing or two about this at bible camp this summer,” he smiles at her, turning off the television and getting up, leaving the blonde to stare at the blank TV in the silence of the empty room, her ears ringing.
Suffice to say, Laura Lee was not doing well. She would never tell anyone this though, no, she could handle it on her own.
It was Spring of Freshman year, very late March to be specific, and the grade was being assigned their final project of the year before summer in English. Laura Lee tapped her foot, fidgeting her hands nervously.
A lot had happened since middle school to say the least. While Natalie and Laura Lee were friendly before, nowadays they barely spoke. It made Laura Lee sad, but she supposed it was normal for friends to drift apart. Lottie seemed to be slightly weirded out by her speeches of god amplifying since the incident, which Laura Lee had told anyone about, but Lottie didn’t seem to mind.
“And Laura-“ her teacher finally said, staring at his clipboard. “You will be working with Natalie.”
Laura shifted slightly in her seat, viewing her notes. Moments later, the class dispersed into their partnerships. Natalie sauntered over to her desk, pulling up a chair next to her, wearing the usual scowl that graced her face nearly every class. Laura Lee smiled at her. Her smile was not returned.
“Okay, so the work is split into two parts, A and B, but you need bits and pieces from each part to solve both parts, which is why we need to work together and not just do the project separately and conjoin our answers at the end. Mr. Davies said there won’t be class time to do this, so we need to meet outside of school,” she says, handing Natalie a packet.
Natalie scoffed.
“The only time we see each other outside of school is JV practice,” she sighs, barely viewing the packet before shoving it unceremoniously into her bag.
Laura Lee blinked, her smile faltering a bit.
“Which is why we should meet up somewhere else. I can’t on Sundays or Wednesday nights because I have to help my father with-” Laura Lee was cut off by the other girl quickly.
“Yeah, yeah, you and your Jesus shit, I get it,” Natalie sighs, the disinterest in her tone evident.
Laura Lee frowns, looking down at her nails. Natalie sighs. “We can figure it out some other time. We had the rest of the few months to do the project.”
“Actually- we only have around 3 weeks,” Laura Lee corrects.
Natalie raises a brow. “But when do we have to present it?”
“Um- late May I thi-” she is quickly cut off by Natalie.
“So we have like a month to do it. Gotcha,” she chuckles, standing up.
Laura Lee groans to herself, burying her head in her hands.
This was going to be a long project.
Soon after, she goes about her day. She sits next to Lottie in math, telling the taller girl about it as she jots down notes absentmindedly.
“ I don’t know what to do. Whenever I try to talk to her, she just ignores me, even when we don’t have a project. I don’t know what to do.”
Lottie sighs, putting a hand on her shoulder.
“ Yeah. I’ve heard Natalie is not good to be paired with for projects.”
Laura Lee could only nod, going back to taking notes. That wasn’t even the issue. She just wished Natalie wasn’t so dismissive to her.
After the bell rings, the two would grab their bags and make their way to the JV practice. A practice in which they noticed Natalie missing from, which made Laura Lee feel even more hopeless about the project.
“She’s probably off with that senior guy,” one of the upperclassmen of the JV team laughs, causing Lottie to scowl slightly, as if offended for Natalie.
Even if they weren’t as good of friends, it was obvious Lottie still cared for Natalie.
Laura Lee only sighs, continuing to pass the ball to Lottie.
One of Laura Lee’s brothers drove her home, that brother being Luke. He complains to her about many things, such as his fiance having a job and not needing to rely on him, the Peterson family not attending the last Sunday service, etc. While the blonde tries to be empathetic, she really doesn’t enjoy listening to a grown man whine to his teenage sister whilst she has her own things to worry about.
Once home, she finishes her homework (except the homework for the English project) and collapses into bed. She feels the warm dusk sun on her legs, slowly fading. She sighs to herself, reaching for Leonard to hug him close. She clasped her hands together in a silent prayer, before slowly falling asleep.
Thwack!
The blonde’s head bolts up from the pillows, looking around the room in confusion. It's dark out now, and her eyes wander to her clock which reads 11:07p.m. Her blue eyes dart around the room with anxiety, trying to find the source of the noise.
Thwack!
Her eyes catch a bit of movement at the window, where she sees a pebble bounce off it. She hugs Leonard, wandering over to it cautiously. She saw a figure standing below her window, their arm winding up and throwing another pale pebble.
Thwack!
It was Natalie, the blonde realized, noticing her leather jacket and band shirt immediately. She opens her window, causing Natalie to cease throwing pebbles. Laura Lee smiled softly, raising a brow as she looked down at the brunette.
“What are you doing here?” she stage-whispered, looking around to make sure none of her neighbors had lights on.
Natalie looked up at her, visibly confused.
“To do the project, duh,” the brunette sighed, beginning to climb the tree next to Laura Lee’s window.
Laura Lee’s blue eyes widened in surprise. A pang of guilt thudded in her chest at her assumption that Natalie would simply blow off the project. To be fair, the girl had a reputation of doing so, but it still didn’t make Laura Lee feel any less bad. She watched the girl, sporting a leather jacket despite the warm weather, climb the oak tree that stood tall and proud just outside her window. Laura Lee smiled as the girl balanced upon the branch that practically touched her windowsill, before sitting down on it, her back facing the outdoors as she swung her legs over into the blonde’s room.
Laura Lee hugged Leonard to her chest, urging Natalie to take her boots off, so as to not make unnecessary noise.
“Father will get mad if someone he doesn’t know is in my room during the middle night, especially a girl,” Laura Lee whispered, grabbing her packet for the project off the desk.
Natalie nodded, raising a brow when Laura Lee mentioned how it was especially bad if it was a girl in her room. She pulled her own packet out of her jacket pocket, the pages crumpled from what Laura Lee assumed was due to them being there all day.
And so, throughout the night, they worked to finish the entire project so, according to Natalie they could “ knock it out now so they wouldn’t have to do more until next week. ”
Over the coming weeks, this situation became a pattern, almost always on a Friday night.
Nat throws pebbles at her window in the middle of the night.
Nat climbs the tree in front of her house.
Laura Lee opens her window to let her in.
The work for a few hours.
Nat leaves around 2:00a.m.
They don’t speak about it to anyone.
Seeing as their soccer games were usually late in the day, these late nights barely affected them. Additionally, since they did it on a Friday night, Laura Lee wouldn’t be tired for morning service on Sunday. It was perfect.
Until the final night.
It was late April, the Friday starting April break, and they had spent the last hour putting the finishing touches on the project. They sat on the floor of the blonde’s room, beginning to pack up their packets, that being Laura Lee putting hers in her folder, whilst Natalie shoved hers into the pocket of her jacket. Laura Lee felt extremely hot in the spring air which came in through her window, so she removed her blouse, leaving her in a peach colored bra and her silk sleep shorts.
“Well, I guess this is bittersweet, Blondie’,” Natalie chuckled, sitting down on Laura Lee’s bed.
The girl in question laughed, sitting down next to her with a smile. “How so? I thought you wanted to just get this over with ?” the blue eyed girl smirked, making a point to mimic the other girl’s voice to the best of her ability whilst quoting her.
Natalie rolled her eyes, slouching slightly. “It was… more enjoyable that it would be with anyone else in that god awful class,” she sighed, looking over to the girl at her side.
Laura Lee nodded, laying back on her bed, her slipper covered feet still on the floor. Natalie did the same, turning her head as the blonde did, making them nearly nose to nose. Laura Lee felt her face go warm as she stared into the brunette’s eyes, lost in her hazel pools.
“I- I thought you were gonna get going,” Laura Lee stammered, fidgeting with the frills of her nightgown as she continued to look at her project partner.
Either due or despite their close proximity, her position didn’t affect how well Laura Lee could see the girl’s smirk. Laura Lee felt her own face heat up, every voice in her mind screaming at her to stop. This was wrong. But she didn’t. She didn’t push Nat away or urge her to leave. She liked the company, craved it even.
“I think I could settle down, at least for a bit, don’t you?” Nat smirked.
Then the door opened.
Both shot up to see Laura Lee’s father, tired and irate, standing in the door. The next few moments were a blur for the blonde. Her father screamed in anger, Natalie grabbed her shoes from the carpet and bolted for the window, escaping into the night without even saying a goodbye.
She left her.
She left Laura Lee behind to deal with the aftermath. To deal with the screams, the shouts, the wrist grabs, the curses, the no daughter of mine ’s that came from the mouths of her parents, and much more.
The worst part of it was the fact this was the day before April break and the end of the soccer season, seeing as they hadn’t made it to states, leaving the blonde in an enclosed space without the escape of school.
Lord have mercy on me.
Natalie felt a sinking in her stomach as she awoke in her bed the next morning. Of course, not of her own accord, but by the frantic knocking at her trailer door. She groaned, sitting up and wearily making her way to the door, not even giving a passing glance to her mother passed out on the couch, and her father having already left for work. She opened the door, her other hand reaching up to run through her brunette hair to see the face staring back at her being one unhappy Charlotte Matthews.
“What the fuck is your problem?” the taller freshmen spat out, tugging the other girl outside and closing the door behind her.
Despite being furious at Nat, she wasn’t cruel enough to put her in a similar situation that the girl had put Laura Lee in just last night.
“What the hell is prissy Ms. Matthews doing out here in the trailer park,” Natalie growled out, her hands falling into the pockets of her pajama pants as the other girl let go of her, stepping back.
“I’ll do you one better. Tell me why Mrs. Lee came into my house to talk to my mother about how they should punish Laura Lee for having you in her fucking room last night? Did you really think it was a good idea to have sex with her?” Lottie grunted, looking down at the brunette.
Something dropped in her stomach.
They thought she was having sex with her when they walked in?
“Wait- huh?” Natalie yelped out in surprise.
“Why the fuck would you think it would be a good idea for you to have sex with her? She literally only learned about it a year ago, and that was because of fucking health class. Do you know what is gonna happen to her?!” Lottie shouted furiously, pacing in the yellowing grass of the trailer park.
“I didn’t have sex with her!” Natalie tried to assure her, worry swirling in her gut at the possibilities of what could be happening to Laura Lee right now.
“ Really ? So she was just lounging around with you on her bed with her wearing nothing but a bra and shorts?” Lottie asked sarcastically, crossing her arms.
Natalie winced at how that sounded, looking back.
“I swear! She was hot, so she took off the top of her pajama set. Honest! The only reason I was there was to work on that dumbass project!” Natalie grunted, her hands curling into fists.
Lottie rolled her eyes, but took a second glance to realize that Natalie wasn’t lying. The girl studied her for a minute, and Natalie felt herself cracking under the dark stare, as if it was analyzing every expression Natalie could have made on her face since birth.
“Are you fucking serious?” Lottie asked, her anger filled tone shifting to something else.
“Yes!” the other freshmen sighed, looking down at the unhealthy grass below her.
There was a silence over the two for a moment, the gravity of what was happening sinking in. The only noises heard weren’t from them, but instead around them. The warm morning spring breeze, and sounds of mourning doves on the powerlines not too far away, the shuffling of some people in their trailers starting their day.
“Is she okay..?” Natalie finally asked, the anxiety evident in her tone.
Lottie sighed, wiping her forehead anxiously. “I don’t know, but I can safely assume she’s not. She isn’t allowed to leave their house, and nobody is allowed in,” Lottie groans.
Lottie then furrowed her brow in a deeply saddened way, adding; “Nat, they’re gonna send her to conversion camp this summer.”
Natalie felt like vomiting. This was all her fault. If she had just left when they finished, or not run like a coward so she could explain herself, this wouldn’t have happened. She searched her mind desperately for a way to fix and remedy what she had done. Every action on that night had been a choice led up to the encounter of her parents opening the door. Had they been talking too loud? Was it really that hot for them to need to take off their clothes? Hell, she hadn’t even needed to stay late, it was a choice.
“What if I went over there and like- tried to straighten shit out, I dunno,” the shorter brunette suggested.
Lottie sighed again. She looked like one of those exasperated, but well meaning parents Nat had seen in the movies she watched with Van. “I doubt her worried lover who ran away when caught trying to say they were just studying would convince them much.”
Natalie frowned, her hands finding solace in her pockets yet again. There was no other way to describe this situation other than it sucked. She felt helpless, once again thinking back to what she could have done differently to keep the blonde out of trouble, but it was too late now. Far too late.
True or not, Laura Lee’s parents thought she was gay, and that was a punishment that would dwarf the ones that she knew they and that camp had planned.
The day of the presentation, or a few weeks after April vacation, Laura Lee tentatively walks into class with her packet. Natalie watches silently, attempting to not allow her concern to be mistaken for pity. Laura Lee sat beside her, a blank expression on her face.
She looked different. Not the type of difference like a haircut or more makeup, but a more sullen look in her eye. A lack of hope that Natalie never would have thought was visible, yet it so obviously was now that she looked at her. It dawned on the brunette how long it had been since she had seen the girl.
“Hey. I’m sorry about the-“ she began, but was instantly cut off by the blonde.
“It’s fine.”
And that was the end of that.
The response hung in the air like a decoration long after Christmas had concluded as February approached, and Natalie found herself unable to even bring herself to think of taking it down and storing it for the next season.
They went through their presentation without speaking any words that weren’t needed, which was incredibly out of character for Laura Lee, but Natalie knew that was to be expected. She just wanted to make sure she was alright, to ask her if there was anything she could do to solve the problems she caused, but she would always either be ignored or cut off by the other girl.
Soon enough, lunch came like a breeze through a field, and Natalie was expecting silence from the girl. The brunette sauntered over to the table that laid claim to the soccer team, where she usually sat seeing as she had none of her stoner friends in this lunch, and found a peculiar sight. One that she hadn’t expected. Laura Lee had a sickeningly sweet smile plastered on her face as if it never left those nights ago. Nat raised a brow, sitting down and grabbing around in her backpack to find the chips she had purchased at the corner store on her way to school.
Laura Lee was smiling and talking as if it were any other day.
Like nothing happened.
Natalie found herself sending a glance to Lottie from across the table where she sat with the blonde. Lottie’s deep brown eyes met her own green ones, meeting in understanding. Lottie, despite her insider knowledge into Laura Lee’s life, simply and subtly shrugged, not jostling herself enough to catch the blue eyed girl’s attention, who was practically at her hip.
The rest of lunch was like that, nobody acknowledging the elephant in the room, except the elephant only being one that Laura Lee, Lottie, and Natalie could see, and one Laura Lee pretended she couldn’t see.
Perplexed was the only word to describe the brunette. She looked at Lottie again and again, yet after a while, Lottie quit looking back. As if she’d given up on remembering their shared knowledge, as a way to return to normal.
Natalie needed a cigarette.
Soon enough, she found herself sitting by the cafeterias door to the outside, in one of the corners of the brick wall a couple yards from the dumpster. She found herself thankful that the stench was drowned out by the stench of her cigarette, which she much preferred over the stench of rotting milk that was emitted from the dumpster.
She sighed, ignoring the bell she heard off in the distance to signify going to the last period. She didn’t care. Math was not an asset to her at the moment. Nothing was an asset to her at the moment.
“Do you always smoke when you're upset?”
A playful voice filled her consciousness and she nearly jumped out of her skin to look at Lottie, dropping her cigarette onto the ground, unfinished. Natalie wheezed, settling herself.
“Jesus, don’t scare me like that!” she grunted, looking down at the cigarette longingly.
The other freshmen made a point to stomp it out before she could even consider picking it up and relighting it. She winced as she watched Lottie not even flinch at doing so, for Natalie knew how expensive her shoes most likely were.
“You shouldn’t smoke when you're only a freshman, that’s a senior thing,” Lottie said instead.
Despite herself, Lottie sighed, pulling a cigarette out of her purse, causing Natalie to raise a brow.
Lottie seeing this just smirked. “It’s my dad’s. Always thought it would be cool to carry one on me. Also, I feel bad about you dropping yours.”
Natalie blinked. “Thanks, Princess, ” she murmurs, rotating the cigarette in her finger.
“Benson & Hedges,” she thought idly, pondering how to savor such an expensive cigarette, recognizing the special filter detailed in an advert at the drugstore she visited every morning to get her chips. The B&H insignia on the filter of the cigarette caught her attention, but she decided to cease the foreplay and just light the damn thing.
“Are we just gonna leave her alone,” Natalie says in her exhale, smoke circling around the two.
Natalie hears the girl sigh at her forwardness. There's silence for a moment, and Natalie, if she wasn’t looking, would have assumed the girl walked away. Just then, Natalie felt the cigarette exit her hand in a snatch, and Lottie shoved the filter into her mouth before inhaling.
Natalie sat speechless for a moment, watching Lottie sit in silence for a moment before breaking out into a coughing fit. Natalie left out a laugh, a hearty one at that which made her ribs almost hurt, yet still unheard over Lottie’s coughs and wheezes.
After her wheezing died down, Natalie took the cigarette from her, which despite her fit stayed perfectly between her manicured index and ring finger.
“What exactly were we trying to prove with that display of… I don’t even know what that was,” Natalie chuckles.
It’s silent for a moment, before Lottie lets out a hoarse groan.
“I don’t know,” Lottie bemoans, pulling on her face with her hands slightly.
There’s a long silence, a very long one as the two stand there, leaning against the bricks for a long while. Long enough for Natalie to check her watch, 10 minutes until school ends.
“What class are you missing right now?”
“Science.”
“Ah.”
“What the hell are we gonna do, Nat? Nobody knows but us and we can’t exactly tell anyone or it will just get worse! She’s my best friend, but I’m so useless to her right now!”
Natalie found herself surprised by the other brunette’s abundant panic. Another long pause occurs, making the conversation seem choppier than it already was. Despite these silences, none of them were awkward. Just silence they would sit in.
Natalie fills that silence after this moment.
“Want another drag? It will make you more of a rebel and you can rub it in daddy’s face.”
“Give it to me.”
Despite the desperation of both girls to somehow intervene in Laura Lee’s situation, comically the rest of the school year rolled by without incident. Lottie felt accomplished as they sat in their fold up chairs on the football field as required, watching each and every senior graduate. The Yellowjackets flocked together, varsity and JV as they watched each senior walk across the stage with their heads held high. Their section would erupt into cheers louder than the rest whenever a soccer team member grabbed their diploma.
Lottie found herself sandwiched between Jackie and Laura Lee, with Cassie Harrington, who was a sophomore on the varsity team, on the other side of Laura Lee. Lottie didn’t particularly care for the seniors. She had no connection to them whatsoever. It was an unspoken rule no freshmen at all would make varsity. Soon enough, the varsity captain, Tonya Sanders strode across the stage, a cocky smirk as their section erupted in cheers once again and she grabbed her diploma.
“Don’t know why she’s so smug, varsity got eliminated on the first day at states,” Jackie murmured to Shauna, crossing her arms.
Shauna, looking up from the book in her lap, only nodded at Jackie as if she’d heard this comment before, and then went on to continue reading, only clapping when she heard those around her do so.
Lottie glanced over at the two to the right of her, exhaling in amusement as Jackie’s comment.
“What, are you gonna lead us to winning states, Cap?” Van asked, who was sitting next to Shauna.
The ginger has a smirk on her face, pulling at her freckles.
The “Cap” nickname had come from Jackie acting like their captain, despite JV not having one. Comedically enough, Jackie’s “Cap” status seemed to hold more weight, for the JV team had a better win to loss ratio than the varsity team itself
Jackie shook her head, before smiling.
“Nah, I’ll lead us to nationals,” she said confidently, causing Van to let out a giggle and Taissa, who sat at Van’s other side, to shake her head.
Lottie found it amusing that despite being best friends with Taissa, Van called Jackie “Cap” to tease both of them in very different senses. Teasing Jackie with something she wasn’t yet, and teasing Taissa by the taller girl not receiving the nickname.
Taissa and Jackie always found themselves head to head, Lottie thought. Both were going for the role of captain once they made varsity. Neither were bad players, Taissa was very neat and calculated, whilst Jackie did very well under pressure in games and was able to make quick decisions which worked in the long run. Very different playing styles, and both very good candidates for captain, despite only being freshmen.
Lottie leaned back in her fold up chair, looking down at her manicured nails. She felt eyes on her, so she turned her head slightly to be met with the baby blue eyes on Laura Lee herself. Lottie was always mesmerized by the blonde’s gaze. The pale blues were almost the color of the sky above and the ocean below, and Lottie found herself getting lost in them on multiple occasions.
“Um, Lottie, I can’t really hang out this summer,” the blonde said tentatively, fiddling with the frills on her dress.
Lottie hummed, trying to pretend she was surprised. Laura Lee didn’t know she knew what she knew, and to protect Laura Lee’s feelings, and the fact she couldn’t do anything to help her, she intended to keep it that way.
“Really? Why’s that?” Lottie asked, artificially furrowing her brows.
Please be honest.
Lottie prayed Laura Lee would just tell her what was going on. Even if she already knew, she would be able to try and help with the blonde’s blessing. This was not the case.
“Oh, um, I’m going to summer camp for a bit,” Laura Lee said, looking up from her dress.
Lottie raised a brow, the pang in her heart reverberating throughout her entire chest.
“Oh, I didn’t know you did summer camp,” Lottie said, trying to leave some bait for Laura Lee just to tell her the situation, maybe even give more details than what the brunette already knew.
Laura Lee paused for a moment, looking back as another player on the varsity team crossed the stage. Then, she simply nodded. “I do now,” she hummed.
And as Oliver Ziegler walked across the stage, receiving his diploma, and as the seniors got ready to throw their caps, Lottie found herself at a total and utter loss.
Laura Lee doesn’t wanna talk about it.
So she won’t.
In the days in which July ended and August started, she returned home, bags in hand, cross around her neck, bible under her left arm, Leonard under her right. As the small yellow bus with a bustling engine pulled away from her house and down the street to find the nearest intersection to drop off a different ‘camper,’ Laura Lee’s father opened the door. The blonde didn’t want to look him in the eye, not only out of fear, but shame in addition to it.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled glumly, studying her dress shoes and her fathers Oxfords below them.
“I see you’ve learned your lesson,” he grunted, opening the door to allow her in.
Her instincts told her to scurry past him to her room and hide , but she didn’t. She needs to repent, to own up to what she did.
Even if she didn’t do what she was accused of, the feelings were still lingering to begin with.
She finds herself nodding as he closes the door behind her. She sets her bags down, and then her bible and Leonard balanced atop them. Her father then spoke.
“So you understand why you were sent there, correct?”
“Mhm.”
“That’s not an answer, Laura.”
“Yes father, I understand,” she tells him.
Her father nods, and seats himself on the sofa in front of the TV, reclining. Laura Lee followed him, positioning herself to the left of his chair. He looked up at her, his expression unreadable.
“Your mother will be home soon. Your brothers are at work, so they will be too. Well- except Luke. He’s been staying with his fiancé. Why don’t you go unpack in your room?” he said, figuring his pocket for a cigar.
Laura Lee frowned, fidgeting with her cross necklace, but nodded anyway. She grabbed her things and heaved them upstairs. She felt the floorboards creak under her weight, seemingly a lot less than it would have creaked months before her stay at “ camp .”
The place had seemed nice at first, she was almost relieved to get away from her parents glares and other punishments. It had a pool, it was in the woods like any other summer camp with cabins and such. However, the place was far from what was a normal and enjoyable summer camp. She shook her head, attempting to not recount the experiences.
Instead of unpacking her things, maybe putting them in drawers, or at least moving her suitcases to the closet, she flopped onto her bed, finding comfort in the soft covers and the soft creak the springs elicited. She laid on her back, staring at the ceiling, falling to the old habit of trying to make shapes from the bumps in her popcorn ceiling.
“You know what you’re doing is wrong, right?”
Suddenly, she was back there.
The pastor had been seated in front of her, on an armchair, a tad bit taller than her own, with a bible to his left and a notebook in his hand. The top of his head was obviously going through some hair loss, so it was combed over slightly, to the point where even someone who had a hard time focusing on appearances as much as Laura Lee could even tell. Upon his nose, sat his circle glasses, which Laura Lee idly pondered how much they made him look like Milhouse from the Simpsons.
She had watched the show with Lottie. Laura Lee’s parents would never let her watch such a show to begin with.
“ Are you listening to me?”
Laura Lee looked up from her fidgeting hands in alarm, finding that she had zoned out.
“I’m sorry, pardon?” she stammered, looking at the pastor.
“ I said, you know what you’re doing is wrong, correct?”
Laura Lee sat in silence for a moment, before nodding. The swirling feeling in her gut that had followed her throughout her entire stay at the camp did not flinch at making her feel horrible at all, a feeling which she now recognized as shame.
“I want you to say it,” he said, writing something down in his notebook.
“Yes,” she had whispered, trying to ignore the bile that had crept up her throat that she shoved back down with a quick gulp.
“Yes what?” he inquired more, jotting something else down.
“ Yes ! I understand my feelings for… for women are wrong! ” she spits out in frustration.
She realizes the moment after it leaves her mouth the tone she had used, attempting to rush to apologize, but the pastor simply sighed, raising his hand for her to stay silent. Shame surrounded her once again as if it were smoke from a cigarette.
“You’re parents could have made you just get a fucking lobotomy or something instead of wasting my time with you, you know that right?” the pastor suddenly said, venom dripping from his tongue as if it were a scorpion's tail.
Laura Lee stayed silent, looking down at her feet. She wanted to die in this very moment as the man continued in his tirade.
“You’re a very pretty girl, you know. Too bad you spoil it by being attracted to the same sex. For someone who wears a cross necklace, you ought to just turn it upside down if you’re going to act in such a way. You have no idea how many resources you are wasting to help cure you of this illness. You’re lucky your father is such a good man, because if he wasn’t, nobody would be wasting their time helping you, much less me.”
The tirade went on and on and on. Laura Lee zoned out, still staring at the floor waiting for a sinkhole to just erupt already and drag her to hell.
This was wrong.
She was wrong.
How she looked at Nat was wrong.
How she looked at Lottie was wrong.
One sentence near the end of his tirade, despite her tuning it out in trying to bring herself to a better place, stuck with her.
“ The only way we can fix you is if you hold yourself accountable.”
Laying in her bed, she clasped her hands together tightly in a prayer, closing her eyes and no longer looking at the ceiling.
Hold yourself accountable.
Right after the session, that is exactly what she had done. She put on her bathing suit as the other sinners had, and went to the pool that the therapy center had and she had stood on the edge of the shallow end, staring down.
They watched the water ripple as the other campers who began to show improvement were splashing around with each other.
Knowing what would happen, she looked to make sure nobody was paying attention to her, and she dove.
Dove away from her problems.
Dove away from her illness.
Dove away from her sins.
It didn’t work.
Just as her heart kept beating she felt it sink as the lifeguard resuscitated her.
They refused to call her parents, giving her medical treatment on sight. Nothing major, at least that's what they told her. Then again, the incident had ended with her having a lung infection from breathing in the water, a scar on the corner of her hairline, a bruised rib from the CPR, and a concussion.
She and the conversion camp never told her parents.
She came to realize that despite her sins, this was some form of divine intervention. Or at least, that was how some of the staff came to tell her it was, just after stating that she was fine, and there was no need to call her parents.
She felt a blooming of appreciation for her lord far more than she ever felt even in her highest states of devotion.
He had saved her.
He had given her more time to correct her sins.
To truly save herself.
Now, weeks later, lying in bed, is when she began whispering a desperate prayer to herself.
She would not let this second chance leave her like it had done the moment her eyes had wandered at Lottie all those years ago.
Nothing came of Laura Lee and conversion camp, funnily enough. Well, not funny. Obviously she went, to both Natalie and Lottie’s knowledge, seeing as she was gone for a good portion of summer. Yet when she came back, Natalie found herself surprised that almost nothing was different from when she last saw her. Sure, a bit scrawnier, but not outwardly traumatized as she had originally pictured whilst she would toss and turn in the nights when the blonde was gone.
Frankly, she wasn’t in the mood to look for cracks in the blonde’s armor, for she had bigger fish to fry with her own family drama, that being centered around the beers her father seemed to carry like his lifeline.
Enter Jackie, and her concocting a sleepover for all the freshmen, now sophomores, for team bonding.
“Cap, it’s a tad weird we're doing team bonding even though fall ball hasn’t even started yet,” Van said from her sleeping bag on the floor.
The whole team, or at least, all those graduating in 1996 were situated in sleeping bags scattered around Jackie Taylor’s living room.
“ My parents are gone for two weeks on a vacation in Greece, so we have the house to ourselves,” Jackie had said over the phone to Nat the night before.
Natalie, standing in her trailer's kitchen in nothing but boxers and a tank top nursed a cigarette. She heard crickets chirping outside the window as the sun had just set. However, the harsh artificial lighting blaring down on her from the ceiling light made this barely noticeable. Natalie couldn’t even think of how many times she had wanted to rip the ugly thing from the ceiling, taking the dead bugs stuck inside of it which she could see from the other part of the glass with it. “ You’re not going with them?”
“Nope, my parents said they need some alone time away from me,” Jackie had answered, her voice clearing distraction, and from the shuffling Nat had heard on the line, it was pretty obvious whilst on this call she was flipping through a magazine.
“ Usually when people need time away from their kids they go on a date night or something, not a vacation. How fucking old are you?”
“I turned 15 a few days ago, and it doesn’t even matter. Are you free tomorrow night?” Jackie had sighed, having obviously lost interest in her magazine and gained interest in her conversation with Nat.
“ Yeah, sure. I’m killing to do anything before school starts back up in a few weeks.”
The living room was spacious, the largest TV Nat had ever seen, besides the one at Lottie’s, a few feet from the sofa on the mantle. The mantle had shelves built into it holding what Nat assumed to be at least a thousand CDs for different movies. The sofa was covered in a floral pattern that Nat found hideous. But, she supposed everyone else considered it to be in style, so she should just grow to accept the ugly pattern she found in every living room she had ever entered.
Family pictures were scattered around the house, except each one felt more staged than the last. Pictures of baby Jackie’s baptism in the church that Natalie had also attended, one of yearbook photos, her holding up a pageant trophy, so on and so forth. None of them seemed to hold the smile that Nat recognized, but she supposed this family drama was none of her business, and she left the obsession with Jackie to Shauna.
“Unless some of you are contemplating not playing this fall or spring, I consider it team bonding,” Jackie chuckled.
Shauna and Jackie were already committing PDA without either of them dating, by Jackie’s position in the brunette’s lap. Shauna, to her credit, had been braiding the shorter girl’s blonde hair, but had long since ceased, and neither made any effort to move from their position.
Van and Taissa had situated themselves near the second sofa, Taissa on the couch with her sleeping bag and Van on the floor with hers. Of course, Van had tried to come up and pull Taissa’s sleeping bag off to replace it with her own when the taller girl wasn’t looking, but that ended with the ginger being shoved onto her ass.
Laura Lee had flattened her pink sleeping bag just near the couch that Lottie had occupied, and Natalie found herself smirking at the bear nestled in the blonde’s arm. Despite its age, that Natalie recognized from knowing Laura Lee since elementary school, the blonde kept the bear close to her as if she was still 4.
Natalie put her sleeping bag a little ways near Lottie’s couch, making her close to the blonde as well. Natalie found herself staring at the shiny, pristine blonde hair. A mixture of admiration and envy of its beauty, how it glimmers in the warm lighting of the Taylor household.
Soon enough, the girls were situated around the TV to watch a movie.
Beaches.
Jackie had picked it, if it wasn’t obvious. Natalie watched as Jackie leaned against Shauna on the couch as the movie rolled on. Natalie sighed at the sight, before feeling a weight on her shoulder. She turned her head slightly, smirking at the sight.
Laura Lee had fallen asleep on Lottie’s shoulder at some point when Natalie hadn’t noticed, and just now, Lottie had just done the same, making it so when Natalie turned her head, she felt her chin be tickled by Lottie’s soft brunette hair. She found herself smiling to herself, until she noticed something about Laura Lee she hadn’t noticed since she got a closer look at her sleeping form.
Although there was a bit of distance between the two, Natalie had to tilt her head awkwardly to get a look at the blonde and not jostle Lottie. A small scar along the youngest girl’s hairline had made itself present in the blaring lighting in the television.
Nat blinked slightly, trying to think of what could have caused such a mark.
Yet, as her thoughts droned on, so did the movie. As the credits began to roll, Nat found herself unable to keep her green eyes open, causing her to fall into an uneasy slumber. Yet, despite this, she let out a sigh of content, breathing in the smell of Lottie’s expensive shampoo, and feeling the softness of the hair against her face like a pillow.
Sophomore year had started up again, and so had fall ball. Lottie had been looking forward to it, mostly due to it being an excuse to hang out with her friends as much as possible. She hated being home almost as much as she hated hospitals.
It wasn’t even that her home was bad. She was fed, gifts were bought regularly, everything in her life was planned and paid for by her father, but there was always an unsettling chill that lingered in the borderline mansion.
Wide, empty halls that one could easily get lost in.
Shallow conversations.
Pristine cabinets, filled with orange little bottles.
Scarce interactions with anyone besides the maids and butlers.
Lottie didn’t hate her parents in any sense of the word, but she couldn’t help but wonder if her parents felt the same. They never hit her, never verbally berated her, but there were always their lingering, nervous stares. The stares that began the day at the stoplight all those years ago.
By all one would consider, she had a good living situation, far better than some of her teammates.
No comments about her appearance.
They never commented on her at all.
No screams and shouts at the slightest misstep.
Would it kill them to just talk to her for once without seeming like they drew straws beforehand?
No short tempers that led to anything close to them hitting her.
Would it kill them to hug her? Was she that sick that they couldn’t even touch her?
Either way, she didn’t like being alone in the house. She was lonely, in the simplest of terms. That was the only issue she’d let anyone catch on to, and she planned to keep it that way. She felt a buzz of pride when she was told she’d made varsity, along with all the other girls that had attended Jackie’s sleepover the weeks before.
The gatherings felt like a sign of luck, a sign of hope, which is why the group of girls continued to have them. Sure, they still attended team bonding with some of the Juniors and Seniors, but they never truly felt in with the group, not really.
Lottie wasn’t even sure that Amanda, the new team captain, knew their names.
All they were was benchwarmers to them. No longer pivotal players like they were on the JV team. Back to square one.
Well, besides Van, who sometimes would be brought in near the end of a blowout, which almost never happened due to the varsity team not even being that good.
Lottie found it especially amusing that sophomore Van was so obviously a better goalie, her stats being better from just a fundamental glance, yet still being a spare for the senior goalie, who skipped practice every other week.
Lottie finds herself in the locker room before practice, looking in the mirror before her. She doesn’t stare for too long, seeing as the longer she looks, the less she recognizes herself. She notices how the mirror skews her features, makes her eyes look like much darker pits than they usually are. She sighs, hearing the last of the girls leave the locker room distantly.
She sighs again, fingering the pocket of sports bag. The bag is a simple backpack, although made to carry sport equipment as opposed to school supplies. Cleats, spare clothes, shower supplies, and a big pouch on the front to hold a soccer ball if she ever wanted to practice by herself.
The pouch goes unused, for she finds a lack of motivation to kick the ball around when Laura Lee isn’t around to kick it back, or Natalie isn’t around to make a snide comment about her form in a mockery of Coach Martinez.
In this moment, she feels eyes on her back, making goosebumps rise up her neck like soldiers being called to attention. She continues to search her bag, now stopping her glaring into the mirror to realize she didn’t feel the pills in their usual pocket. Not a good sign at all. Lottie allowed the bag to clatter to the floor, getting down on her knees to almost shove her head into the bag searching for the orange pill bottle.
Pretty soon, a pretty blouse, a short floral skirt, athletic shorts and shirt, muddy cleats, shin guards, and tube socks fall out of the bag onto the tiles of the locker room floor. Then, the other pocket, which consisted of her spare wallet, a little pouch of jewelry if she forgets her favorites at home, a hairbrush, and a bunch of hair ties. She winces as little specks of dirt fall out with all these items, making a mental note to wash the mud off her cleats before shoving them into the bag.
Her pills were gone. Lottie shoved the articles of clothing and other items back into her sports bag, before shoving them back into her locker room locker.
She checked the locker she stored her school items in.
Nothing .
She paces the empty halls, the school day having ended an hour ago and practice having started half an hour ago. She glanced in the lost and found, the empty nurses office, all the classes she had before. The bottle was nowhere to be seen.
This was bad.
Very bad.
She was worried about the lack of pills making the eyes on her back feel more and more hostile, and the shapes in the corners of her vision grow, but that was also the least of her problems.
4 times a day.
Her maid would set the bottle out on the table for her to have when she awoke. Hours later, she would take the orange pill bottle with her to school and shove them down her throat in the bathroom with a bottle of room temperature water during her lunch period. Lastly, she would do a similar act in the locker room bathroom before practice. Lastly, at home, she would take the bottle off her bedside table and have one before bed.
“Most doctors would suggest she take two doses a day.”
“I understand that, but my daughter has a severe case. The psychologist we had at first paged you about her more severe issues, correct?”
“Yes, but you said you didn’t want her to be put in intensive, and long term care.”
“She doesn’t need intensive or long term care, she needs a stronger dose!”
“Mr. Matthews, I need to make sure you understand that how these stronger doses could lead to perme-”
“Will it keep her issues at bay more effectively than two doses?”
“Yes Mr. Matthews, but if she misses a dose-”
“Write her a prescription before I take my money elsewhere.”
Lottie speed walked up to the school’s payphone, jamming a couple quarters into it before ringing her home phone.
“Matthew’s residence,” the voice on the other line buzzed, slightly distorted on the phone, but easily recognizable as Lottie’s maid and former nanny, Gloria.
“Gloria, I can’t find my dose and I know I took it during lunch and I looked everywhere! Can you phone my psychologist and get a car for me to come home!” she whispered frantically with the phone, fiddling with the wire.
“Charlotte, your next refill is in a week. I don’t know if they’ll have your… unique prescription in stock,” Gloria began, before adding; “I will send a car over to your school and phone the pharmacy nonetheless.”
The worst part about this situation was the fact she had lost her pills at school. Someone could find them. Someone could find out how sick she was.
“Emilia, our daughter is fucking psychotic. She needs these!”
“Not this heavy of doses, Malcolm! Can’t you see how much they drain from her!”
“Can’t you see how much they protect her from?”
Lottie got home in 15 minutes, situating herself on the couch and playing with her hair anxiously.
Gloria had been on hold for a while, but was now talking to the pharmacy. After a few moments of muffled dialogue, Gloria sighed and hung up the phone.
“Lottie, they don’t have your dose in until Friday. Normally they’d give it to you Sunday when getting it in then, but they can give it to you on your day off because of your… situation,” Gloria sighed, sitting down next to the taller, disheveled teenager.
Lottie only nodded sullenly, staring at the floor to avoid the figures in the corner of her vision. She looked down at her hands, noticing the ink on them left over from her art class earlier in the day. She studied them for a long moment, looking at how the black painted her palms in splotches, glimmering in the light of the room as if they were still wet.
“I’ll call you out of school for the week, but that's all I can do. Emilia and Malcomn are out on business and are back next Tuesday, and your psychologist is on a getaway to Italy,” Gloria continued, her graying bun bouncing when she turned her head to Lottie.
Lottie tried to ignore the irony of the fact that her psychologists trip was most likely paid for by her father in order to get her the heavy medication in the first place when most other doctors wouldn’t do so.
Gloria paused again.
“Would you like to go to a hospital,” she whispered.
“ No ,” the brunette teenager said quickly and firmly.
She hated hospitals, they both knew that.
Gloria nodded, standing up.
“I’ll be around the house, but there isn’t much I can do for you in these… episodes , so I would like to advise you to stay in your room. All you have to do is make it until Friday,” Gloria said, standing up and getting back to her duties.
Lottie stood up, hating how the floor creaked as she made her way to the lengthy staircase. How desperately she tried to ignore that fact it was Monday.
Hours earlier, Amanda Schofield entered the bathroom during her lunch period. She wiped a bit of food off her mouth and was there with the intention of washing her hands. However, what caught her eye wasn’t the fact they were out of paper towel rolls, but the extremely large pill bottle on the counter of the sink.
The platinum blonde picked up a rather large orange pill bottle from the sink in the bathroom connected to the cafeteria. She twirled it in her hand, studying the text on the label.
Matthews, Charlotte
Loxapine & Clozapine mixture
Take 4 tablets a day
Refill once every 3 weeks
85 tablets
Amanda almost barked out a laugh at the psycho living among the student body. She recognized the chemicals as antipsychotics, seeing as when the elective she chose had been filled up, she had been put into a random class about psychiatric matters.
However, what caught her most off guard was that she recognized the name well.
Very well.
This girl was on her soccer team.