Chapter Text
Sayo gazed out to the half-lit beach from the balcony of her hotel room. The splash of darkened waves across the silent coast at this hour of night was oddly soothing to listen to. Sure, she was a long way from home. Sure, she missed Tsugumi dearly. Yet there was something peaceful in letting herself get lost in the ocean’s song. She closed her eyes and let out a calm sigh. Perhaps one day, that ocean would swallow her whole and she would awaken once more as a mermaid.
“Say, Lisa…” A thought that had haunted her again and again, one of many, returned to the forefront of her mind. Wishes that would always go unanswered, imagined realities of impossible worlds. Sayo was who she was today because of all that came before. Yet she couldn’t help but wonder about all the other versions of herself. “Can I confess something to you?”
“What’s up?” Lisa asked from just a few feet away, hair wrapped up in a towel, still drying from her after-concert shower. She had just changed into nightclothes, and it was Yukina’s turn to shower—or it would be, if she hadn’t gotten distracted by something Ako was showing her in the hotel lobby.
“Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had met you earlier on.”
Lisa stepped out onto the balcony and stood beside her, eyes fixed on the shores as well. “Really? I’m surprised you didn’t say Tsugumi.”
Her girlfriend’s smile came to mind. Perhaps a part of her was ashamed—she couldn’t imagine what Tsugumi would’ve thought of her had they met even just a year prior to when they did. For as much as Tsugumi accepted her, she knew just how difficult that past version of herself could be. An unblossomed rose made up of only thorns. Tsugumi’s hands were not so delicate that they could not withstand those thorns, but Sayo still worried about what sort of impression those cuts would leave.
“Well, I suppose I’ve thought about that, too. But that’s not quite what I meant.”
“Yeah?” Lisa leaned against the balcony railing.
“Until I met you, I never had anyone to show me how to be a girl.”
“Ah, that sort of thing, huh? Didn’t you at least have Hina to teach you?”
Eyes still closed, she thought of her sibling. Her absolute lack of tact and her surprisingly sensible but particularly androgynous fashion tastes completely contradicted the version of femininity she’d envisioned for herself. Not to mention her bizarre sense of humor. “Hah…” Sayo opened her eyes to side-eye Lisa.
“Kidding, of course~. But seriously, I think you did pretty okay. Like, I didn’t even realize you’d been struggling with that until you told me.”
Sayo’s own reflection outlined in azure returned to her, just as she had seen it that day at the mall. Tears that streamed down her cheeks were now long since dried, yet even now she could feel the warmth in her chest. The kindness that her bandmate—or rather, her friend—had shown her surely unlocked something lying deep inside, dormant, awaiting to be freed. The walls around her heart slowly crumbled, and the emotions she had suppressed because she had no friends to share them with had finally found a place where they could exist. A place where there was more than longing and anxiety.
“Even so, I can’t help but wonder.”
Lisa was silent for at least a moment, as if she were reaching for the right words. Though she was a social butterfly, she could still be surprisingly awkward when it came to these sorts of serious talks. “It must have been difficult.”
“Sis, I’m sorry…”
The Hikawa twins sat across from one another in Hina’s room. They’d spent the evening practicing together, though at some point the music stopped being any of the music they were supposed to be working on. It turned into something more free-form, though Hina was way better at improvising and Sayo would struggle to match her sound. Now their instruments were packed up and they’d been talking about insignificant things, their lives at school and with the people they cared about.
It was so sudden when Hina apologized.
“What for? I’m not upset about anything,” Sayo said with a reassuring smile, awkward as it felt across her lips.
“For stealing your uniform back in middle school.”
“Didn’t you already apologize for that?”
Hina shrugged. “I dunno.”
“Regardless, I forgive you.”
“It was really cool and boppin’ when you helped me out with the not-being-a-girl stuff, but there was still something that bothered me and made my brain itchy and my chest hurt. Not about you, but the other stuff.”
“What was that?”
“When you wore the girls’ uniform, people said you were creepy and gross. But when I wore the boys’ uniform, people said I was cool. It felt so unfair… I hated it.”
Sayo’s stomach tied into a knot and her eyes became weary. Exhaustion took hold of her. She’d tried her best not to return to those days, but they always found a way to catch up to her. She curled her hand into a fist and took a deep breath in. Slowly, she released it and the tension started to leave her. Panic crept in, still. No use.
She tried again. A little better this time, but the faces of her old classmates still appeared in front of her, watching her, judging her. To them, she was no longer an equal or a human, but something to be observed. At best, there were some who chose to avoid eye-contact. It wasn’t their problem, so best to just let it happen. Her chest felt like it might explode.
Another deep breath in, then out. “Bop!” Hina had given her a light bump on the head, not enough to hurt, just something a bit harder than a pat. With that, Sayo was back to reality.
“What was that?”
“You seemed like you were getting all zonked out and stressed, so I bopped you!”
Despite seeming like absolute nonsense, the ‘bop’ method seemed to have done the trick. “Thank you. I started thinking back to it and couldn’t stop myself from spiraling.”
“No prob! I’ll bop you anytime you need!”
Sayo had no idea what to say to that. “It was unfair. But I can’t help but feel like I deserved it.”
“Wait, why?!”
“Because, well…” She tried to think of an actual reason, but everything came up blank. It just felt so shameful to let herself be the victim. Did it make her weak? Even now, was she afraid to admit how hurt she truly was? “I suppose there’s not really a reason. But I still feel it.”
“Sis…” Hina’s eyes became crestfallen. She opened her mouth, searching for the words. Yet she could not reach them. They vanished the moment they reached her. She was left without an answer, without a way to properly comfort her sister.
“Sayo…” Tears rolled down Tsugumi’s cheeks. The sound of each sob was like a needle in Sayo’s chest. Even though she could not see her face through the dark, she could feel the heat of her emotions radiating off her body.
“I’m here.” Sayo clinged onto her lover’s waist.
“I just…” The teardrops were a flood, a storm, something inescapable. “I wish I were a better person…”
“You’re one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. Please, Tsugumi, listen to me.”
“But… I…” The words were caught in her throat. Sayo held tighter. “I feel like I can’t do anything.”
“You’ve done far more than anyone would have asked you. Please, be proud of who you are. I… I don’t want to see you hurting like this.” Even as she spoke, the thorns in her stomach pricked at her, forming the tiniest cuts. She could not feel right asking for her girlfriend what she could not have for herself.
“Be proud of who you are.”
You’re one to talk, she thought.
“I wish I knew how to help you…” Tsugumi’s desperate plea became swallowed in the darkness. Though it reached Sayo’s ears, it could not save her. So many times Tsugumi had helped her out, reassured her that she wasn’t weird or wrong for being what she was or feeling the way she felt. Sometimes it even worked, at least for a little while.
If only that feeling could remain. But it would fade away so quickly, as soon as those memories of middle school came back like a spear through her stomach.
A certain world, a different world. One of hundreds, thousands of possibilities. Middle school.
A cold cream across her cheeks, around her chin, upon her forehead. The smallest pencil marks around her eyes, and a brush of blush to make her cheeks rosy red. A streak of deep red across her lips. Her hair was tied into a ponytail off to the side, albeit a rather small one, but her bangs helped frame her face. She was still unused to the sensation, but it was far from unwelcome. She wore the blouse of a middle school girls’ uniform and a cardigan wrapped around her waist. Her skirt was a little bit shorter than she was comfortable with, but her friend had helped her dress up and made sure the length was still reasonable as to remain both within the school’s dress code and not expose too much.
Sayo really did look girlish, didn’t she?
“Hey, no need to worry,” Lisa held her hand, sensing the anxiety that had overcome her. “It’s going to be alright. You look incredible.”
Though the sweat on her forehead was annoying and her arms were still trembling, Lisa took the lead. “Himari, Tsugumi! Over here!” she shouted while she waved her arm in a boisterous gesture.
“Lisa!” Himari was the first to rush over, with Tsugumi trailing just behind. They were first-years, while Lisa and Sayo were second-years. Their middle school was co-ed, so it wasn’t that rare for Sayo to interact with girls. In general, though, she wasn’t particularly skilled at conversation regardless of gender. But for whatever reason, Lisa was easy to talk to. She never really thought less of her for being the way she was.
Tsugumi never questioned it much either, but she was the first to react with wide eyes and a gasp. “Lisa, is that…”
“Whoa!” Himari’s gasp was even louder, almost obnoxiously so. Sayo couldn’t help but feel the smallest dose of anxiety creep up, worried she’d draw in unwanted attention. She never meant any harm, but she truly lacked any tact. “You really outdid yourself this time, Lisa! Hika looks just like one of us!”
Well, not all of them. Tsugumi was quite a bit more modest when it came to the school’s dress code, never pushing it past its limits in the way that the others did. Yet for whatever reason, that seemed to make her even cuter. When she smiled, Sayo’s face lit up, her cheeks turned warm in the way they’d been painted by blush. “You look great, Hika!” If Lisa was easy to talk to, Tsugumi was the warmth of sunlight. Yet her heart could not handle it sometimes. Too cute, too cute, too cute.
They called her ‘Hika’ because they knew she didn’t like the first name she’d been given. Up until today, only Lisa knew about her greatest wish, her desire to become a girl outwardly as well. Her soul had been placed in a misshapen body, and she longed so badly to become a version of herself that she could love.
Sometimes it felt like Tsugumi saw right through her. She never said anything about her looks, only about what she saw in her heart. How despite how distant and often difficult she could be, she had kindness deep inside her. Maybe it was the way Tsugumi could never give herself credit for all her amazing qualities, a feeling of inferiority that Sayo herself was all too familiar with. Maybe they were kindred spirits.
Lisa elbowed Sayo lightly. “C’mon, say something!” The nerves had gotten her stomach in a knot, but that little push was enough to make her take the leap she needed.
“H-heyyy, everyone…” A cold chill ran down her spine. She had practiced what to say in her head, how to act with confidence and keep her head held high like Lisa or Himari. All that practice meant nothing if she couldn’t perform on the stage. “S-sorry to surprise you like this, I…” She tugged at her collar as she tried to remember all the advice Lisa had given her for this very moment. It wasn’t worth anything if every single word came flooding in at once. She couldn’t process any of it.
Lisa planted a firm grip on Sayo’s shoulder. Sayo’s eyes wandered, her gaze met Lisa’s. “Go on, tell them your name!” She whispered, flashing a smile. That’s right, Lisa had put in all this effort to make Sayo feel comfortable. The least she could do is make sure that effort didn’t go to waste.
“C-call me…” Her voice grew muted, then she slapped her own cheeks with two hands to pump herself up. “Call me Sayo, from now on!”
The afternoon that followed was nothing special, they all grabbed a bite to eat like normal and spent time chatting about nothing in particular. Sayo still couldn’t quite cross the distance that she always put between herself and those around her, but she felt a bit more comfortable than usual. Her clothes weren’t exactly what she wanted, but it felt so much better than the jacket and slacks that gnawed at her skin whenever she wore them. Her voice still sounded a bit too deep for her liking, but she managed to speak a bit more than usual. Slowly, she could feel the cogs inside of her moving towards something spectacular. Could she really pull this off? Could she really find a way to fit these broken puzzle pieces together—her body and her soul?
…
The next day, Lisa helped her in the morning. Sayo worried she was a burden for needing her help, but Lisa seemed to enjoy herself whenever they did this. She did hope that she’d soon have the chance to learn for herself, so Lisa slowly started letting Sayo do more of the work. Each time, Lisa’s bright smile and little clap was enough to make her heart flutter. She was so happy to have a friend like Lisa to teach her all the things she could do, all the things she could be.
That day in class, everyone seemed to take notice. How could they not? The quiet boy who sat at the edge of the classroom with a distant gaze, who always got his work done in time and never seemed to bother anyone… had suddenly transformed into something of a Gyaru-in-training. Though Sayo did not believe it herself, she was absolutely stunning to some of her classmates. They were taken aback, of course, yet it wasn’t disgust she saw in their eyes. What was it, then?
From some, envy. “How can a guy be cuter than me?” certainly crossed one girl’s mind. For others, confusion. “Is that really Hikawa? He’s downright gorgeous.” Sure, there were one or two laughs, but they were quickly silenced. It’s not as if she could hear their thoughts. So she ignored them, kept her breathing steady, kept her eyes fixed on her nails. Huh, they’re awfully plain like this, she thought. She ought to do something about that later. She never liked her bulky hands—she wished they were more slender. But even though the size could not be changed, she could style them to her heart’s content.
That day after class, she spent her usual afternoon with her usual group of Lisa, Himari, and Tsugumi. “Say, Sayo…” Tsugumi sounded nervous, tiny droplets of sweat were like an aura around her. It was like something out of a manga. “Do you mind if I paint your nails?”
“What’s this, Tsugu~?” Himari asked. “You never let me paint yours, but you’re gonna paint Hika- err, Sayo’s just like that?”
“Hey, I wanted to try it!”
“Ahaha! You’re well-loved, huh, Sayo?” Lisa said as she nudged Sayo on the arm.
Sayo’s face turned red. “I wouldn’t mind…” She cleared her throat and swallowed the formality she’d once been so used to. Then, she smiled. It was half-forced, but her heart felt the joy behind it. “Aha, I’d love that, Tsugumi!” It was hard to break from a shell she had spent her whole life inside, but the smallest cracks shone a light upon her that pierced even the darkest storm.
Tsugumi was huddled close to her, painting each nail delicately with a bright teal polish that matched Sayo’s natural hair. Each stroke of the brush was so intimate, and she had to keep herself still while Tsugumi worked. That was pretty hard when her heart was pounding like crazy. Ahh, this must have really been a crush! She worried at times that having feelings for another girl ruined her chances of fixing the broken pieces, yet she had assurance around her. Lisa, after all, held a deep love for her childhood friend Yukina. And there wasn’t even the slightest doubt that Lisa was a girl—a gal of all time, even.
“Aaand done!” Tsugumi punctuated the job with a triumphant pump of her fist. “What do you think?”
Sayo stared at her nails, which shined like they never had before. Even if her hands were too bulky, they also felt delicate in a way she had always wished for. “It’s wonderful.”
…
Another few days passed, and this time, someone asked her what was up. “C’mon, man, why are you dressed like that? Did you lose a bet?”
“I didn’t… It’s not…” Her hands trembled, but Lisa’s voice echoed in her mind. If anyone has a problem with it, just tell ‘em to buzz off. Sayo cleared her throat and let only one eye look in his direction. “None of your business, dumbass. Buzz off.” Those words were so foreign in her throat, but they came out as if she had grown accustomed to them. It was progress, at least.
Sayo was trapped within a labyrinth of mirrors. Every reflection was a little bit different, none of them were the same Sayo that she knew was herself. She peered into each with a cautious curiosity. The many possibilities of worlds where just one thing was different. What if, as she asked Tsugumi on that fateful night at the start of her third-year, she had been born a girl? What if, by some miracle, she had just woken up one day as one? What if she had someone else to guide her? Like Lisa or Himari? Or maybe Tsugumi, or maybe Sayo’s energetic pupil, Touko? What if Hina had been more girly—still an oddball in every world, but just a little bit more concerned with cuteness and beauty?
The mirrors were not mirrors, but shards, fragments of crystal. The maze had no walls, but was a translucent path in the darkness with seemingly no end.
“I’m so sorry, everyone…” Tears streamed down her face, and as they left her skin and fell to the floor, they became tiny droplets of light.
“It must have been difficult.”
Of course. Of course it was difficult.
“It felt so unfair… I hated it.”
Of course. Anyone would hate it. Anyone could see it was unfair.
“I wish I knew how to help you…”
Of course. Of course the woman who loved her more than anything would wish for a way to put her at ease. She has already done so much for her, though. Sayo could not stand to ask for more.
She could not ask any of them for more. They had put up with her and humored her for so long. When would she finally be able to give them anything back?
“Be proud of who you are.”
Is that all it took? Is that what each of them wanted to see? A version of Sayo who could be proud of herself?
She reached for the crystalline surface of one reflection. Inside, she saw a version of herself who was nothing like herself. A Sayo who was more like Lisa than herself. She spoke so casually, so freely, with such little regard for manners or formality. She had painted nails and her skirt was way too short. But above all else, she was confident. She was bold. Brave. She had something that Sayo lacked. Sayo could not look away, as embarrassing as it was to see own image act that way. She wished so badly to know what it was. She reached into that reflection, and her hand began to meld with that other one.
In the hallways after classes ended for the day.
“Hey, sis.”
“Eh? Hina? Somethin’ up?” Within a few weeks, she didn’t need to force herself so much—the words came naturally from her lips.
“You’ve been acting kinda strange lately.” Hina Hikawa was Sayo’s twin of course. In every world she was there, as strange as usual, with maybe a quirk or two that differed from the usual Hina. “You used to be all, ‘I must respectfully decline’ and all that,” she said imitating Sayo’s formal mannerisms, “but now you’re acting all loopy and wooshy. What gives?”
“It’s fine, isn’t it? I’m living my truth, y’know~.” She tried to pair her words with a wink and a lilt, but it was difficult to get the cadence right.
Hina could see right through it. She frowned. “I mean, I guess I’m glad you get to dress as a girl and stuff, but…”
“But…?” Her voice grew a little shaky, her resolve began to waver even just slightly. Though others had accosted her for everything about her new appearance and how it was inappropriate (“especially for a boy”), their opinions didn’t matter. They weren’t Sayo’s friends or anything like that.
It was different coming from her own sibling. The very first person who accepted her as a girl.
“But it still doesn’t feel like it’s you, y’know?”
The words stung. They dug into her skin like claws, scratching away at her, revealing something she had been trying to bury. She stood silently, unable to find words to defend herself. She reached out her hand, but there was nothing there to grasp.
“C’mon, sis. Is this really who you wanna be?”
“I-I… I don’t…” Sayo shivered.
At some point, Lisa showed up without much warning and joined in. “Sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear.” She bowed politely. “I’m sorry, Sayo. I got carried away.”
The tears began to form. She tried her best to hold them back, but her vision grew blurry. “I don’t know…”
Tsugumi’s voice called out, “Really, it’s okay! You don’t have to force yourself.” She appeared as if from nowhere, and the sunlight pouring in through the hallway windows faded away.
Sayo fell to her knees, the dark began to envelop her. “I don’t know!”
It didn’t work. It only lasted for a few weeks, but the mask broke down like any other. The tears would not stop. Was every Sayo destined to hate herself? Was it simply inevitable that someone like her would only know freedom in pain?
How could she one day go on to be a part of Roselia? How could a band so concerned with their own pride as artists accept someone who could not be proud of herself? Of course they all had their insecurities, even Yukina, even if she didn’t show it. Maybe each and every one of them feared they were unworthy of standing alongside each other.
“Be proud of who you are.”
Her own words for another world echoed back. They were meant for Tsugumi. No, they were meant for Lisa, too. And Hina, despite how unwavering she always seemed. She was certain that she said those exact words to each of them at one point.
Why, then, could she never follow them herself?
“It’s okay, Sayo,” Lisa said. “I know you were serious about being a girl. It’s my bad, really! I forced my own ideals onto you.”
“I wanted to… I wanted to try,” Sayo argued. “Try to be someone like you.”
“That’s silly, sis! You never were good at lying, anyway.”
“I… It’s not a lie.” She had to deny it if she wanted to remain. Everything would crumble if she didn’t. Everything. Her body began to unravel like threads unspooled and separated, seams being ripped.
She was, after all, only a doll pretending to be a girl.
“I like that about you, though,” Tsugumi’s hand reached for Sayo’s as the latter became that much less human. “I like the honest Sayo.”
“Then…” Sayo choked out the words. “Then why can’t I? Why can’t I find… any world where I like myself?”
Their voices began to vanish. It is only Sayo, stuck with her own thoughts. Those thoughts that have tormented her throughout her life, that still gnaw at her. That she—a doll—could never become anything more.
“What does it truly mean to be a girl?” A voice asked her. It was her own voice. A bit more practiced, refined, mature. Which one? Which Sayo was this?
She stepped forward. This Sayo was a bit older and a bit more honest. She seemed more relaxed, too. She wore a sky blue blouse and a gray skirt. She crossed her arms and sighed with both remorse and relief.
“I thought you were different from me. Of course not. You were just faking it, too.” Her words were drenched in disdain, or at least that’s what it felt like. But this Sayo got on her knees and met her eyes. She slid her arms around that reflection and held her close. “You’re in pain.”
“Aren’t you?!” she shouted.
“Of course.” There was sorrow in her eyes. Her voice was shaky. “It hurts to see you like this. I’ve been told those words countless times. I understand them all too well.”
The fabric of Sayo Hikawa frayed, melded, and stitched together. It returned to its place as one in a million, as if there were no other Sayo. The immense weight upon her back and shoulders was more familiar than it ever had been. The hall of mirrors surrounded her, but this time, each shape was her very same self. Destiny was never set in stone, yet no version of Sayo could reach apotheosis. An unbreakable cycle of self-loathing.
“What does it truly mean to be a girl…?” She repeated the question. No answer came, nothing would ever come so easily. A girl was not something so easily defined.
Above the beach that night, she asked the friend who guided her out of her shell.
“I dunno.” Lisa paused for a moment to take a quick sip of beer. “I guess I used to think it just meant liking cute things and wanting to be cute. But I’ve met a ton of different girls now, and I can’t really say that’s how they all think. But they’re still girls, right down to their hearts.”
“I see…” Sayo’s arms leaned against the balcony railing. She thought of those like herself that she’d met. How none of them were the same, yet each was a girl nonetheless. And maybe that idea of a girl was something that spread and shifted as they grew and learned from one another and the girls around them. “Right down to their hearts.”
“Maybe a ‘girl’ isn’t a type of person? Maybe it’s just a feeling.”
“I cannot say I agree. Feelings only last for so long, yet this sensation called ‘girl’ has not left since I realized how much I needed it.” Yet maybe Lisa was onto something. After all, even girls like Sayo or Aya had days where they feared they weren’t ‘girl’ enough to be recognized as themselves. “...No, that’s not it, either. Perhaps I’m overthinking this.”
“Sayo,” Yukina said as she finally emerged from the washroom in her night clothes, hair still sopping wet. She had no towel over her head, so Lisa quickly moved to grab one so she could get to work drying her lover off. In spite of how much she’d used her voice at the concert, she still managed to speak as normal. “I’m uncertain if this helps, but I don’t think I really know, either. Even if I dress as a girl, I’ve never considered if that’s what I was. Meeting you has caused me to rethink that.”
“Yukina?” Lisa was caught off-guard, yet not particularly surprised.
“It’s okay,” Yukina assured her with her usual curtness. Her tone hadn’t shifted from that usual nonchalance. Sometimes Yukina seemed a little spacey, so Sayo wondered what went through her head. “It’s not so much that I don’t see myself as a girl. But it’s strange to think that others see me a certain way because of it. There’s a disconnect between myself as Yukina Minato and myself as a girl. Which do others see first, I wonder?”
“Are those not the same thing?” Sayo asked.
“In a sense. But if they see a ‘girl’ before they see anything else, there are already assumptions about what the rest of me is like. And if those expectations were disproven, they might separate the two, as if the ‘girl’ aspects that I lacked made me less of a girl in their mind.”
“I see… I suppose it’s the other side of the coin. There are certain parts of me that I need to highlight so that people recognize me as a girl.” Her hair, her clothing, the way she spoke, even the way she walked. They were her own choices, but each could be read one way or another and each carried meaning far beyond what she could control. What would she have chosen otherwise?
Lisa finally finished drying Yukina’s hair and swiftly threw her arms around her. Her eyes met Sayo’s. “I guess it’s like, for you, being a girl is something you do on purpose? Something like that?”
At Hazawa cafe, she asked her sibling. At Hina’s side was Aya, the girl who adored all things cute and all things idols.
“No clue! I mean, I’m not really a girl, right?” Hina said with an inquisitive tone.
“I suppose so, but you did live as one up until a few years ago,” Sayo said.
“Ehh~... Not quite? It’s more like people thought I was a girl, and everyone said I was, and that’s all I knew I could be. So I just kinda accepted it.”
“I think I kinda get that!” Aya added. “When you don’t know there’s anything else you can be, you just sorta end up accepting what you’re given. Even if you hate it, you can’t imagine anything else…”
Aya’s words rang true. The envy that she had confided in Aya about back then was only half of the equation. Sayo’s admiration and envy of Hina in their childhoods was what led her to realize her own desires, but that whole time, there was an invisible force pushing back against that. That force had no name, for it was in the lack of knowing anything else that this force existed. Like a coil constricting her very being.
“It’s… foggy.” Sayo closed her eyes and tried to remember how it felt. Those feelings were so distant now, it was nearly impossible to bring such an emotion back. And doing so would inevitably lead to hurting. “It’s like a box, and you’re stuck inside it. You don’t even notice how tight and cramped it is until the walls start closing in.”
“Yeah, exactly!” Aya said.
“Hmmmmmm~? I dunno, maybe it’s different for you two. For me it was all droopy and grungy. It didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t fun either.” Though her words were difficult to parse, Sayo could at least recognize the message. This was a divergence.
“What about you, Aya? What do you believe it means to be a girl?” Sayo asks.
“That really is a big question…!” She was at once jubilant and overwhelmed, her eyes wide. Hina laughed like she always did whenever Aya did just about anything. They were an odd couple, but somehow, they seemed to go well together, Sayo thought.
“I understand. Just say whatever comes to mind.”
Aya paused, clenching her fingers together and staring at her steaming cup of tea. After a moment of consideration, she answered. “For me, I think it’s… I have a version of myself in my head who I wanna be. A-and, I know I’m not there yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there, either. But I still wanna do my best. Maybe being a girl is like that…?” Her uncertainty was apparent, and the answer felt roundabout if anything. Yet within that answer was something resonant, as well.
“Could that not be true for a boy, as well?” Sayo asked.
Aya nodded and gulped down her nerves. “Of course, yeah! I’m sure there are boys who think like that, too. But for me, personally at least! That desire to become myself, to be the person I imagine in my head on the stage… That’s a part of being a girl.”
From atop a bridge overlooking the river, moonlight made visible the smallest ripples in the stream. In winter, the frigid air was enough to numb her skin without gloves. Yet the warmth of her lover’s hand was enough to thaw it away. It was the end of a date, but neither was ready to part ways just yet. Gazing into Tsugumi’s eyes, she asked the girl who remained at her side through even the harshest storm.
“I’ve actually thought about this a lot,” Tsugumi started.
“Oh?” Sayo asked.
“Yeah. I mean, you know the people I’m friends with. I caught on pretty quick that something was bothering those two way back in middle school.”
“You did mention that before. Had you thought about the reverse, then?”
“About being a boy?” Tsugumi asked. She seemed to consider for a second, before she shook her head. “Thought about it, maybe. But nah, it’s not like that. I guess when Hina mentioned being neither, I considered that, too. Really, I just kept coming back to ‘girl.’ It never made me uncomfortable or anything like that.”
Sayo recalled a moment from years prior—the first time Tsugumi had visited her house. She had tried to tell Tsugumi that she was not who she appeared to be, but her lover saw right through her and assured her that no matter what anyone else said, Sayo was a girl. Now she understood that those words weren’t just sympathy and kindness, but an echo of something within her heart.
“I’ve never really stood out much. For some reason, it felt like I’d always end up in the background no matter what I did. I could wear girls’ clothes or boys’ clothes, but I’d be the same either way. I’d just be… invisible.” There was melancholy in the way she spoke.
Sayo squeezed her hand tightly. “You’ll never be invisible to me.”
“Thanks, ehe…” Tsugumi’s face turned red, even if it was barely visible at this hour. “It was never that I didn’t want to be a girl or anything like that, even if alternatives crossed my mind every so often. Honestly, it’s more like… I paid a lot of attention to the ways others acted so I could try to figure out what made them different from me. What was it they had that I didn’t? What could I do to be more like that?”
“Did you find an answer?”
Tsugumi shook her head. “You and my other friends always tell me not to worry about these sorts of things. That I don’t have to change who I am to be someone important. Even if it’s hard to believe it, I want to be able to think that way. But there’s something else about it that bothers me.”
“What is that?”
“I don’t think I can avoid changing, either. I’ve noticed the little ways that I’ve become more like Ran or Moca, Himari or Tomoe, you or Hina. Heck, I bet anyone who has spent even a little time at the cafe every so often must have rubbed off on me somehow! I’m still myself, but I’m a little bit of all of you, too. Sometimes Moca says stuff like ‘Never change, Tsugu~.’ But I think it would be really hard to be someone who never changes.”
Sayo let herself smile softly. The expression felt warm upon her face. She leaned in and gave Tsugumi a kiss. “I like that perspective. That’s another thing I admire about you.”
“S-Sayo…!” Tsugumi blushed and stammered before letting go of Sayo’s hand. Then, she buried her head into Sayo’s chest. “I’d say you’re too kind to me, but I know you don’t like that.”
Sayo held onto her. “I understand, though. I’ve felt the same.”
Snowflakes fell from the sky. Slowly, with ease. They landed upon Tsugumi’s head, dotting her chestnut brown hair ever so slightly white. She was a glowing warmth in the deepest chills of winter.
“Sorry if that didn’t answer your question.”
“No,” Sayo shook her head. “I think it was a fine answer. Just like how you cannot avoid being changed by those you meet, perhaps a ‘girl’ is something that is always in flux.”
At the crossroads between worlds, in the maze of mirrors, she asked herself. Every version of herself in every world was at least a little bit different from her. Circumstances had changed them all. They were Sayo at their core, but they had been influenced by their surroundings, their bonds, their circumstances.
“Being a girl is merely a set of traits. Aspects that I’ve molded myself to fit within.”
“Being a girl is something that I long for, something always out of reach.”
“Being a girl is no different from being a boy. It’s only about what’s in your heart, isn’t it?”
“Being a girl is allowing myself to be vulnerable. Allowing myself to cry.”
“Being a girl is being more like Hina.”
“Being a girl is being less like Hina.”
“Being a girl is an unending path. I will walk this path for as long as I live.”
Each answer was just as different, just as unique as each reflection. No answer was entirely complete, yet each represented something within each shard of Sayo’s soul. Directly ahead, she saw the one true mirror. Before her was not the distorted image of another world’s Sayo, but her own reflection staring back. She wore a long black dress covered in lace and gloves that matched perfectly. Her melancholic expression dared to ask the same question back.
“If I found my answer, could I really be proud of who I am?”
She shook her head. Of course not. They were separate problems, tied together only by the loosest of strings. In actuality, she had met so few girls who could say they were proud of who they were. So many still yet to become what they wished to, regardless of how they were born. Even those who have grown so much.
“Be proud of who you are.”
Those words, after all, were not meant only for herself.
The mirrors began to fade. They did not shatter violently, only disappear, overtaken by a bright, unending light. That light which could shine through the darkest night overwhelmed not only her vision but all of her senses. It was the sun, her sunlight, the flower she called her love. It was the stars, her original hero, the constellation she called her sibling. It was the lantern, her guiding light, the hand that she called her friend. So many other little lights, no matter how dim, converged into one blinding sensation. It was the moon, her endless ocean, the nighttime sky that she called Sayo.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Sayo! I love you!” Tsugumi shouted.
“Fufu, indeed… See you tomorrow. I love you, too,” she answered, her face flush, that feeling in her chest keeping her warm even during the snowfall.
As she watched Tsugumi run off with a smile on her face, Sayo looked down at the back of her hands. The scent of nail polish was still fresh, and the teal at the tips of her fingers was something new. It was a sensation that she welcomed, in spite of all her hesitation. She was still changing, still growing, still trying to understand what the feeling named ‘girl’ truly was. Perhaps, she thought, she might never know the answer. Perhaps, as Tsugumi had said, she would never stop changing. Perhaps, in its own way, that was okay.
Her lover had already vanished into the night’s chilling distance, yet she still held up her hand to wave. She hoped that, no matter how unlikely it seemed, the warmth lingering in her heart would reach Tsugumi. She glanced at the river beneath the bridge and saw the rippling reflection staring back at her, snowflakes falling into the water. She used to hate seeing her own face staring back. She still did every now and then. But right now? She was happy to see Sayo Hikawa gazing back. There was something peaceful in her eyes.
Sayo Hikawa was born without luck. She lacked any innate talent or natural charisma. She could not compare to her twin’s genius nor could she understand how to connect with others. She was locked inside a body that always felt a little bit wrong. And unfortunately for her, all the luck in the world would never be enough to change a doll into a girl.
Despite all that, she knew she was one lucky girl. She would certainly not be half the woman she was now if not for the fragile threads connecting her to those she cared about, to the loved ones she held so dearly. Fragile though they were—and so easy to sever—she held tightly onto them. A rose could only bloom with the tender care of those around itself. Touched by the warmth of everyone around her, Sayo’s heart finally knew peace. No matter what happened, the rose called Sayo would not wither.