Chapter Text
As they made their collective way to their preferred room for social sprawling since Lily joined the crew the Quartermaster took the opportunity to catch their breath, literally and metaphorically. Ashes had been thrown for a loop, they were not prepared to have someone so deeply and passionately distressed upon apparently witnessing violence happen to them. They knew Lily cared about them, their Scrap had had a nightmare about them being scared and came to check on them for fuck sakes but this? This was next level.
They still weren’t really used to the idea of being so demonstrably cared about.
They were the one who cheerfully (and gleefully on occasion) caused burning carnage and gave greedy idiots enough rope to choke themselves, they were used to being hated, feared or even revered but loved? So obviously and without contract? It made Ashes want to smoke a hundred cigarettes, set fire to everything in a 50m radius and even worse, pick Lily up and wrap her up so that nothing could ever touch her.
But it was too late.
Little Scrap had already seen too much, knew too much of the darkness in people. But still. Kid wasn’t cold to it, instead she raged and railed and screamed at the injustice of it all. She demanded it be better and fuck everything did Ashes want it to be better for her, they wanted to make it better for her.
But fuck if they knew how.
And if Jonny was all out of ideas then they were all deeply fucked because much as they never liked to give him credit just on principle, their first mate really did work wonders with that kid.
To be fair, the rest of them weren’t bad. Hell, they could even say they themself did a decent job in not upsetting the kid and providing comfort when there was no one else to give it.
Ashes very, very badly wanted to find the assholes that had made their little Scrap suffer so much and make them wish they’d never even heard of the concept of piracy.
A long, slow plan began to form at the back of their brain giving them enough comfort to bank their flaming retribution to wreak havoc later. When it was time.
Right now they were making their way to the rec room with the rest of the quietly horrified crew.
Ashes went into practical mode when they hit the rec room, eyeing up all the throws, cushions and pillows calculating the best configuration to assemble them in to provide maximum comfort but also ability to spread and avoid too much contact.
They gave Jonny a pass since his arms were full of miserable Lily but got everyone else who’d not fucked off to the kitchen on the way to get sorting.
It was impressive how quickly a crew of utter amoralistic reprobates could work together in the face of one upset little girl (and the crew-wide desire to ignore the quite frankly impressive levels of trauma her devastation stirred in all of them).
They’d amassed somewhat of a small stockpile of child-appropriate films for Lily to watch with them, things with big explosions were fine because they reminded her of Ashes and Tim (which they were both secretly thrilled by), stories with ‘goodies’ winning over ‘baddies’ was usually a safe call (even if her perspective of who qualified as a ‘goodie’ was somewhat skewed now) and nothing set in space for fear of setting her off spiralling down memory lane.
As it was, the Mechanisms had a pretty broad spectrum of viewing habits but they all agreed as one that they’d avoid any serious romance nonsense on film, even if Marius, Nastya and Tim (and Jonny though he’d never admit it) liked them. The decision was quickly made when they realised if they didn’t there was a very real chance they’d be asked where babies came from and no one was willing to deal with that.
Secretly, almost everyone’s plan, including Aurora, was, if it ever came up was to say, unbeknownst to the pilot; ‘ask Brian’, TS had a jolly tale about a stork it was excited to tell one day and Brian’s plan, secretly, was to say ‘ask Jonny’.
To Jonny’s mind, if he never had to ever cover this topic with Lily he’d class it as one of his greatest achievements in his very long life.
Something deeply inoffensive was put on they’d picked up that involved a cast comprising inhabitants of the Henson system and humans pretending to be some kind of ocean-based adventure types from Tim’s world’s past, they couldn’t be real pirates, there was hardly any murder except at the beginning but the songs were good.
It was one of Lily’s favourites.
The entire crew was piled onto the floor, spread out on sofa cushions and swathed in blankets, Lily at the centre of the cuddle pile, surrounded by all her friends.
Brian had taken the initiative and made a vat of hot chocolate whilst TS and Marius had assembled a mountain of snacks, sugar wasn’t a bad idea after so much upset, privately, he’d never seen the whole crew so shaken, let alone Lily.
Marius knew a movie night wasn’t going to fix the underlying issue but it absolutely wouldn’t hurt to assure Lily that they were all alive and fine and that she was absolutely a part of their crew.
And she was.
She was theirs.
Thing was, it was highly likely that all this upset was, in fact, her subconscious accepting that fact.
Problem was, with a child as young as her with such terrible scarring on her psyche it really wasn’t a surprise that once she accepted them as hers, as, well, family, then fear of the same fate befalling them naturally occurred realised Marius with a bit of a start though really, it shouldn’t have really been a shock, even for a crew such as themselves.
Jonny, against all possible expectations and predictions, was doing a bloody good job of being a surrogate father and the others, Marius had to hand it to them, as a whole weren’t far behind in the family ties, even TS embraced Lily as a partner in play. Marius himself was only mildly surprised by how genuinely upsetting it was to see Lily so affected, she was like a little sister to him, maybe a niece? A young relative at least he absolutely wanted to share his penchant for mischief with but also wanted to protect from the universe and cherish all her smiles and encourage her interests. Huh. The others probably felt the same too.
And she obviously saw them all the same, else why would they have taken the place of all the victims in her memories.
He’d need to talk them all about that. How they might be able to help. And probably have to face the whole ‘we’ve just seen some serious shit that we can’t and shouldn’t shrug off but are going to try to anyway.’ Nonsense the crew usually pulled.
Right now though, there would be hot chocolate, films, snacks and cuddles.
Lily ended up spending the first film gently wriggling left and right so she ended up spending time cuddled up to everyone at some point. Nobody minded. Even Ashes and Ivy the most touch adverse crewmembers willingly indulged Lily (both secretly pleased she seemed to be on the mend at least for the time being) She continued this through half of the second film, one of her favourites about a dusty museum that came to life because of magic gold (first time she’d seen in it she’d politely demanded to visit a museum. Jonny couldn’t think of anything worse to do of a day and had traded off with TS, Ivy and surprisingly Tim. Even Jonny had to admit the amount of facts she poured out at them all at dinner was really rather endearing.)
Lily had bibbled to Tim for a while during the second film, full of hot chocolate and sweets, snuggled up to his chest, pointing out all the things on screen that were similar to the museum they’d visited. Tim found that he didn’t mind that these were the same things she’d pointed out to him before when they’d watched this particular film, clearly this was a thing to make her feel safe and good and normal and he was not about to complain.
Seeing her cry like that, seeing the real, desperate anguish unsettled him in a way he wasn’t prepared to deal with. He knew that pain. Knew it intimately. And it shook him to his core to see that familiar desolation on such a young face. A young face he’d come to care for so much. He wasn’t Jonny, he didn’t have that inherent fathering instinct the first mate seemed to have lodged in what passed for the remains of his soul but he did care for Lily. He’d never had any younger relatives nor had he ever had any thoughts for children of his own one day but with Lily he found himself thinking of her fondly, like a little sister or what he supposed would be like a little sister. He was ferociously proud of her and her weapons competency, she was calm and poised and took her practice with him very seriously. She listened and took instruction well and he took care not to tire her out and have it become some sort of chore for her.
That they now spent time together of a morning more often than not with him tackling her candyfloss mop had only built his fondness, that she was just as focused brushing and trying to plait his hair as she was cleaning the guns she used. The others had veto’d his want to give her, her own gun, and he’d reluctantly agreed to their demands and they’d settled on a compromise of 10 when she could have her own firearm. He did have plans for another option in the meantime, the others had only specified ‘guns’ not ‘projectiles’. There was a lot of wiggle room like that when you were a Master-at-Arms after all.
As it was, he’d traded some of his best cordite compounds to get Ashes to teach him how to do some of their simpler plaits so he could try to tackle Lily’s hair enough to keep it out of her face when they were on the range. Lily however, couldn’t have plaits in her hair without Tim having plaits in his apparently. He felt he accepted his fate with remarkably good grace.
What he felt he was dealing with decidedly less good grace was the need to murder every single raider that had set foot on Lily’s ship. Before he was content with the whole ‘train Lily up to have the best possible chance to exact the revenge she wants to when she’s older’ now he was very much on board with massacre every single one of the bastards as slowly and perforatingly as possible.
*
When he brought out the hot chocolate he’d made Lily decidedly perked up even if her usual trill was replaced with a tired yip which was honestly better than nothing given what had just happened.
It warmed Brian's very human heart to see the child his crew had taken in so secure with them in the face of all too imaginable trauma. What boiled his hydraulic fluids was that she'd witnessed any such trauma at all. What was worse was that security was the thing that dragged out all those repressed memories screaming to the fore. Brian had quietly hoped that Lily's presence would continue to mollify the crew's more violent tendencies as it had when she first joined them. He'd been thrilled to see that it had, the others, because they couldn’t immediately murder one another when bored or annoyed were starting to learn to talk to one another, it wasn't vast strides of development but it was a few steps. They still killed each other out of eye and ear shot when really pissed off but the general levels of violence had dropped which was something at least. The crew was coming together to become more of a family even if most of them would never willingly acknowledge such a truth.
It was a double-edged sword he felt. The fact that the crew were surprisingly good with her was one thing, but it raised more than a few uncomfortable questions about how their lives and un-doctored personalities might have turned out.
He decided not to dwell on it, there was only so much sadness he could contemplate and right now all of his ability was focused on their youngest crewmate.
She was so young.
So terribly, horrifyingly, galaxy-shatteringly young.
And yet her eyes, when the memories were close to the surface, were ancient.
It struck Brian to his very soul. Part of him wanted to share his curse, his loss of memories with her, to take away the pain of everything she’d seen and known. But that would be cruel in a myriad of other ways. She had suffered and now it was up to them to help her heal and process. They couldn’t erase what she’d seen without taking away what made Lily, Lily. Despite everything she was still kind and generous, full of life and oh so very filled with love.
That love was the cause of this emergence memory. They had to honour it. Support her and love her back just fiercely.
It wasn’t hard, not really, once he got back into the practice of it. Lily made it so easy. It felt like a piece of him was waking up from a very long sleep. When she was cuddled up to him he hummed quietly in time with his own heartbeat, something he knew soothed her when she came to sit on his lap on the bridge and count the stars with him. The stars counting might also involve stealthy lessons in mathematics but Brian would remain completely unapologetic if ever challenged, they were supposed to be teaching her after all, and Ashes appreciated the extra support in getting Lily’s numerical literacy up.
Brian felt the warmth flow through him, Lily was a gift, a responsibility and so very much a part of the crew. It felt like a little seed, sprouting in a desert and he was determined to make that it not only thrived but flourished. Lily deserved that, she deserved the best the universe could offer her and he would provide until his heart stopped beating. And if that extended to using his EJM most creatively when they caught up those raiders, well, so long as Lily was ready and willing to allow him the privilege then he would take quite the pleasure in doing so.
*
Her little proton was safe, safe and unharmed but oh so very hurt. Raphaella didn’t really know what to do about it either, her hurt very much fell into Marius’ field of expertise, even if she didn’t really rate it as actual science, he was admittedly good at figuring out the more complex needs of Lily. She’d worked increasingly with Ivy to understand child physiology and psychology to try and learn and fix and mend. Lily was getting physically better. She knew that. She had the data to prove her findings. She thought the trauma might be starting to ease too given the amount of support, comfort and security they’d given the child. But Raphaella knew in her heart of hearts that it was just an irrational hypothesis, she wanted it to be true, so she drew false conclusions. It shook her deeply to realise she had allowed attachment to affect the interpretation of results, that the small child had made her want the science to give different indicators. She cared. She cared far too much about the child who delighted when an experiment worked, when the colours changed, the pop squeaked or the plants grew. The child whose natural curiosity matched her own insatiable quest for knowledge. The child who asked, occasionally, to fly with her and helped ensure her metallic wingspan was maintained impeccably.
The child, Raphaella reflected, who had become like her own little chick, following her around, looking for guidance and answers and protection, who loved to brush her hair and show off the plaits she’d practiced with Tim. The child that, if threatened the science officer would, in a heartbeat, disintegrate that threat.
Raphaella found herself holding Lily that little bit tighter, breathing the child’s scent, the shampoo she’d concocted especially to help manage Lily’s candyfloss hair mixing with the remains of hot chocolate that were doing their best to cover the coating of grief and disturbed sleep that clung to the child like a shroud.
Her little proton was safe she reminded herself, safe from everything except her own mind. Raphaella swore to herself she would work harder to learn everything she could to help her, work with Marius and Ivy and Jonny to make it better for her.
The chemical formulae she was also devising to slowly dissolve Lily’s attackers would be brought out if and when Lily wanted a more direct method of support, till then her little proton was as physically safe as she could be and right now, that had to be enough.
*
Ivy considered the situation, Lily was demonstrating significant trauma, having read all the books she could find on human children, their psychology and trauma responses. It was hardly surprising, Lily had faced horrors that had a 94% rate of permanent scarring. It felt safer to resort to percentages. She didn’t really want to engage her very able mind to conjure the images Lily’s screams produced.
Academically Ivy knew Lily was healing, this latest set of revelations just showed the level of comfort she had achieved with the crew. That was positive. The statistics and 117 academically peer-reviewed across 12 systems agreed.
So why did it feel so awful?
Why did watching the processing of that trauma that was good, it was positive, the books said so feel so heart-shatteringly awful.
Her little Liliput was in pain, such miserable pain and even though this was the lancing part of the dealing with a festering wound it was the worst. If she could swap, if she could take Lily’s suffering for her own she would do it.
The child was good and kind and loved and this simply was not fair.
It upset Ivy how much she wanted to rewrite the story, change the facts.
But she couldn’t. Based on all the books she’d read the only thing they could do, she knew, was reassure Lily, make sure she felt loved and secure. Tell her that her trauma response was natural even if it was horrifying for them to see. That they would always come back to her. That they were now her guardians and they would continue care for her, even though she had these nightmares, even though she got scared and angry and upset. That they would, would, love her, regardless.
The sentiment scared Ivy, she loved books, she loved her music, she, she cared for her crewmates she realised but Lily?
Lily, she loved. Wholly and fully. It dawned on her in a sudden rush of soritical affection, loved her like a little sister or like she imagined older siblings felt about their younger counterparts form the stories she’s read. She wanted Lily to grow up reading and loving literature, reading in as many languages as she wanted. Lily deserved all that and more and Ivy would make sure she had that.
As for the raiders who gave her all the horror that filled her subconscious, she would enjoy researching suitable ways to end them. Ivy was far less inclined to violence than her crewmates but that did not mean she avoided it when she wanted. There was something satisfying in teaching someone a lesson sometimes. And there was an entire school of thought she wanted to extoll.
*
Nastya was quietly reeling. The violence she’d witnessed. So much worse than the palace, the viciousness was the same, the callousness, but the intent? This felt more primal, more drenched in sordid want. Like they were enjoying the violence, they were reveling in it, like some insane blood rite.
And Lily had seen it all.
Nastya had been eleven years older than Lily when the palace and her world fell apart and she still saw the faces, still smelt the blood and heard the screams on occasion. She couldn’t begin to imagine how much worse it would have been had she been Lily’s tender age.
It was enough to want to pick her up and spirit her away into the depths of Aurora, to be kept safe and secured away from anyone else that would ever wish her harm again.
But that could never be, Lily would never allow that, the child was too full of life, too full of joy and too good at grabbing hold of the things that made her happy and clinging on with everything she had. Lily, for the most part, was doing her best to adapt and grow and love despite the darkness she’d been forced to endure.
It frightened Nastya at how much lived under the surface in Lily. She feared they hadn’t seen the worst of her trauma but by all the cosmos she hoped she was just being paranoid. She hated it when she was right sometimes.
But the fact she had seen all of this and it was only now making itself known, well, that said several things. That she felt safer with them, that she now felt secure enough to share or at least, her subconscious felt secure enough. It was a twisted comfort that they had done so well with her but a terrible toll on everyone including Lily. Including Jonny.
She knew he’d be devastated. That he’d take it as failing of his. He was always quick to see fault in himself when it came to things like this. A hangover of Carmilla.
It would take a lot of convincing, for him and half the crew that this wasn’t a disaster. And to comfort Lily herself that she was still loved despite her suffering, despite nightmares, the things that they had been truly consistent on to a person, comforting and making her feel like she wasn’t broken.
They would still do that. For however long she needed.
In regards to the raiders, well, she and Aurora might just have to design something truly devious. If Lily wanted to use that then all to the better.
*
Aurora was furious. Her little one was sad and so very hurt. It upset Aurora that that level of violence had been witnessed by someone so small. And that it had upset the rest of her crew. They were all obviously shaken. They had all taken it badly seeing one so young so distressed. She could see it reminded them of things they’d also rather forget.
Sometimes she wished she had arms. Arms to hold her crew. They were so young still, all of them. Young and wild and hurt in their own ways. And so very violent. She appreciated the way they’d softened a little, she was enjoying the peace and lack of being shot at.
She loved the joy Lily brought. The songs she sang to her. She loved the warmth she brought to her love. A chance to be the adult she needed so very long ago and offer a better path. It was good for her. There was a smile on her love’s face that she had never seen before, she hoped that this was healing an old wound of her love’s, maybe eventually she would settle that hurt. Maybe not, but it was nice to hope.
In regards to those who attacked Lily’s people? They better hope the Mechanisms did not find their home world. Else they would learn the true capacity of a cyberian warship.
*
TS was as worried as worried could be. Its playmate was distinctly under the weather. It was jolly rotten that its young bean had such an unfair brain, that lied and cheated and played a very nasty game of make believe. It was a shame because Lily was really rather good at playing make believe when she was awake, they had been on many grand adventures in the Aurora, sailing to wild cat island, growing flowers at Misselthwaite manor, or going camping on the moors amidst the heather and butterflies just over from the Famous Five’s campsite.
But this was a game it didn’t like. It wished it could teach her how to pretend away all the nasty characters in her brain but it didn’t think Lily would be very good at that game, when she was asleep it was a lot harder to remember the rules of games so she said.
But! Maybe if it made the rules very simple? That when one of those nasty make believe games started she just had to remember one thing. Maybe just that if she didn’t like something to picture a nice cup of tea. Or a flower. And focus on that instead. The nasty make believe can still happen but she doesn’t have to look at it being terribly awful.
It would tell Lily its idea and see what she thought when she was woken up again.
It loved Lily as much as it loved its other crewmates.
Lily had made everything far jollier. It had had so many tea parties, even Jonny had joined in once or twice. Lily listened to it, she liked to learn about etiquette and manners and how to make a proper afternoon tea.
She made everyone want to play together, her friends felt friendlier and Lily deserved to feel that too, it would never have to pretend that it liked Lily, it knew in it’s depths it loved her. She was kind and clever and always included it.
It had loved teaching her about the cutlery, he had never been able to play that battle game before and it had had such a lovely time. It was going to think of ways it could help Lily, it might paint some of her favourite flowers to get her to choose one to focus on when she slept. Hmm.
However, there was a very unjolly thing it could not help thinking about. Those rotten raiders who scared Lily so badly. They needed to be punished. Far worse than being sent to bed without supper. It might have to have a jolly long think about that and try and come up with something suitable.
It might ask Jonny for ideas.
*
Jonny didn’t know what to do, it scared him more than he was willing to admit. He had no idea what to do, Lily was so fucking traumatized and he’d tried so hard, harder than he’d ever tried in his life to make things better, to keep trying. Fuck, he’d tried harder at this than he had at keeping Carmilla pleased, even when he knew the consequences of failing there. But it still wasn’t enough, why was it never enough?! It took everything he had not just howl, get black out drunk and shoot his brains out half a dozen times. He wanted to kill everything in his path. The only thing stopping him was a tiny mortal child that was still clinging to him, her vice-like grip the only thing keeping him tethered, like she still trusted him, like she didn’t somehow blame him for this meltdown.
He had one fucking job, keep her goddamn safe and now? Now it turns out just his presence had warped into something to upset her beyond anything he’d ever seen.
He couldn’t even blame the bastards who did this to her, not really, sure they enacted violence beyond anything even he’d perpetrated but she was seeing it happen to him, to them, it just wasn’t fucking fair. They’d done everything they could to make her feel safe and secure, just like Brian, Marius and every other fucker had said would work and now? It proved they were no fucking good at this, no good at all. He should have listened to them, they should have found somewhere safe for her, away from all this violence. It was his fault, he desperately wanted her to be somewhere safe and for a while he really thought that that was with them, that they would protect her from any possible danger. But now? All they’d done was make her trauma worse, seeing them instead of her parents. How was that better?!
*
Nastya, Marius and Brian were keeping a close eye on Jonny, trying to find the pinpoint moment where Lily was deeply asleep enough to not be disturbed by a conversation but also still actively clinging to Jonny so he couldn’t just bolt off. They all knew him well enough, by experience, his tells and just by existing with the bastard that he was likely to be going off the deep end.
Nastya saw the minute tremor in his hands, the too-much white of his eyes and how they kept flicking to the child every third breath.
Jonny was going to denotate.
Marius could see the stress this situation had put Jonny under. Normally, when it came to Lily, he could and did solve most of the issues. Seeing the full extent of her trauma? He was lost.
Good thing he wasn’t going to have to manage this one on his own this time. He’d even, actually, read some of the psychology books in Ivy’s library in order to actually have a sensible plan for once instead of just bullshitting, Lily mattered.
Brian had rather been waiting for this to go sideways, he knew from his own yawning lack of memories there was a lot of space for horror to be lurking in Lily and upsettingly, he was right. Jonny had done a remarkable job navigating and equipping Lily to tackle her layers of trauma but all of this at once? Anyone would be at a loss to manage this on their own. Good job they were a collection of concerned bastards who now didn’t leave one of their own to fumble when it came to Lily.
“Jonny.”
He ignored her.
“Jonny, she’s asleep.”
“So?”
“So, you can relax.”
It had the exact impact she was hoping for.
“Relax?!” He hissed. “Relax?! What fucking cosmos are you in Nastya?!”
“The one in which we have a very traumatised little girl to help.”
“Yeah well, I don’t think a hug is going to fix this fucking mess, hugs are the fucking CAUSE of it.”
“No, they’re not.”
“Yes, they fucking are, she’s replaced her people with us. Us being nice to her has fucked up her brain even more. She now sees us. We’ve broken her.”
“Actually, we haven’t,” Marius was sounding a lot calmer than he felt, he knew this was going to be like dancing the hornpipe on a mine field. He ploughed on to try to prevent Jonny launching into the tirade that was obviously brewing, he really wanted to try and keep Lily settled and asleep if possible.
“See how she’s asleep on you?” He continued, “That doesn’t happen if she’s not comfortable or okay with us. If she wasn’t, if we’d actually broken her, she would have run, she would have rejected us and gone into the vents. Yeah, this is a shitty situation of the highest order but honestly, and I know it doesn’t feel like it, but this is a good outcome.”
“Good?! GOOD?!” He hissed, “how could this in any of the multiverse be considered fucking GOOD?!”
“Because this is actually allowing her to process her horror, all the shit she’s seen and do it safely. Repressing only works for so long then it starts eating away your consciousness,” the ‘like we all do’ was left unsaid. “Lily hasn’t had any of that. She’s been processing through her night terrors, bit by bit, her brain dealing with what it could, when it could. Now it knows she’s safe, her subconscious is letting go of all the horror it’s been holding back. The fact that she’s seen us in the same position as her family in her dreams but can see that we’re okay when she’d awake will help her move on. It’s going to take years, she’ll never be truly fucking over this, not really, because who the fuck would be but it will take the edge off that horror and allow her to deal bit by bit and eventually be able to cope without nightly horrors.”
“I don’t, this isn’t normal—"
“What happened on her ship wasn’t normal, and we’re not exactly the best placed to judge but really, the point is, every time Lily has been upset, every time a memory a surfaced we’ve been there. She’s come to us, mainly you, for comfort and she’s got it. Got it in spades.”
“Well, like we’d just let her cry on her own!” Jonny was outraged at the very idea.
“EXACTLY. This the point Jonny. Lily knows she’s safe and now Lily’s subconscious has caught up. It knows this is now the best possible environment to start dealing with the really heavy shit, the stuff that’s been lurking in her brain. Probably all the banging she’s heard in her dreams were these shitty memories trying to come through.”
“Well fuck me.”
“I know this is seven shades of shitty but she’s going to be alright Jonny.”
“How can you possibly say that? Let alone believe it?”
“Because she’s not us.” Explained Brian.
“What the fuck do you mean by that.”
“Every single one of us, except maybe me, Ivy and Tim, have come from shitty homes and Ivy and I because we simply don’t remember. Shitty parents or guardians who did not care about us when we were young, didn’t teach us how to deal with life and emotions and what to do when things don’t go our way.”
“You better get to the fucking point Brian.”
“I mean, we are Lily’s guardians, we love her, she knows we love her, we teach her every day how to deal with everything. From Tim teaching her how to manage her hair, Raph showing her how to constructively handle being disappointed when an experiment goes wrong and even the fucking Toy Soldier manages her when she loses a game. Dealing with things going wrong is important, we actually, to the surprise of everyone, actually model pretty decent behaviour. And you Mr D’ville. Teaching her Hell Fire.
Jonny’s eyebrows shot up into his goggles.
No one was supposed to know.
“Calm your shit Jonny, we all know.” chimed in Marius
“You fucking—"
“Anyway, back on topic. Hell Fire has worked bloody well to help her deal with all the rage she feels about what happened.”
“I—what?”
“It’s worked for her, she’s told me you idiot, she said that sometimes she feels so angry, so full of rage about what happened she didn’t know what to do about it, it scared her how angry she was and instead of telling her to calm down or be quiet you gave her a way to express that safely, in a way that she felt valid and safe and loved. You didn’t judge her you fuckwit, you supported her, you gave her a voice, a way to scream all of that rage without feeling guilty. She can communicate her needs Jonny because she KNOWS she’ll be listened to, that you, us, will actually take on board her wants, her needs and act on them. To help her.”
“WE did that.”
“That’s why as much as this is fucking horrifying, it’s actually good.”
“It’s like a system purge,” added Nastya gently, “this is the first time her mind is able to process some of what she’s seen fully. It’ll happen again, and again, hopefully not quite as badly as this since first release is always the worst but each time we reassure her, after a while she’ll begin to believe that she’s safe, that whilst the trauma is real the source of her horror, seeing us so damaged will start to lose it’s edge. It might mix with images of her parents but we just ride it out. She knows she can come to us when she’d upset, she’s been doing it with everyone at least once since she joined us.”
“We’ve been there for her, you’ve been there for her, as much as this was horrifying for her and us, it shows what we are to her now. We are her family. She feels secure enough in that to let us know all of what she’s feeling the good and the bad, her brain has just caught up.”
“I know this not what any of us want to see but it means we’re on the right track.”
“You’ve not fucked up Jonny.” Stated Nastya, knowing he needed to hear this. “None of us have. This is helping her. We just have to keep riding out. Maybe one day Lily is the most mentally healthy member of the crew.”
Jonny, much as he hated to admit it, Nasyta had a point. She might be as big a bastard as him but she wouldn’t lie to him when it was about Lily. She knew how important this was.
“You really think so, despite all of THAT?”
“I agree with Nastya, Brian and Marius’ assessment.” Joined in Ivy, “based on my research from the psychology books this sort of thing is common, a shifting of perspective influenced by external factors.”
“Which means,” carried on Raphella, “that she really is healing, I worried it might just be physically but all indicators are pointing to a stabling and balancing of neural pathways and her general outlook improving. She is benefiting from this. From everything we are doing.”
“Any fucker can see that, science or no” commented Ashes, “Little Scrap is taller, heavier and healthier, just look at her. She’s bein’ properly looked after like we never were and it’s showing. We’ve done that. Kid was always going to be fucked up given what happened on her ship, an’ from before. Ship couldn’t manage their resources, no way in fuck they’d make it to their ‘promised land’ bullshit and who the fuck sacrifices a whole generation to be mid-terns in order to get there? Lily was never gonna have a good life there. We, despite literally every law in the universe, are giving her a better life.”
“That’s a bloody sad state of affairs.”
“But it’s true.”
“Well, yay us? We’re not completely fucking horrible at child rearing?” ventured Tim.
“No, we aren’t it turns out. Despite all previous theoretical evidence. Though I think 82% of that is down to the fact that Lily is an exceedingly tolerant, friendly and positive child who is incredibly willing to accept us.” Explained Ivy.
“Well, we’ve made some changes for her.” Pointed out the master-at-arms.
“True, but the rate and manner of murder was damaging Aurora and the general morale was dipping, the changes have had a net positive effect on all of us.”
“Fuc—"
“Don’t even begin to deny it, we’re all happier, you grumpy fuckers. All of us. That little piece of sunshine is responsible so I say anything that helps her is fine by me.”
“Speaking of, those raiders.”
“More like reavers.”
“Reavers then.”
“What the fuck was that about?” Marius spoke for the whole crew.
“Yeah, that’s, that’s something else.”
“Have any of you come across anything like that? That level of violence?”
“No, not, not like that.”
“Ivy? You got anything from your books?”
“Not explicitly.”
“That’s not a no.”
“Come on Ivy, spill.”
“There are too many variables, and the percentage of accuracy is below my base parameter of acceptance and—”
“Ivy,” encouraged Raphaella gently, “what is your current tentative theory?”
“Well, there is a 7% chance that the violence was specifically graphic in order to generate a certain type of energy,”
“Which means?”
“Become a component to a wider event.
“Such as?”
“Well, it’s not very clear, there’s only 3 mentions across my entire collection.”
“Which are?”
“Well, a potential comparison could be drawn from the events on the Ratatosk.”
“The fucking Bifrost bullshit?”
“Like I said, it’s highly unlikely, a much greater probability is the violence was purely driven by rage or fuelled by narcotics.”
“Well, that’s comforting.”
“But it could be something like what Mother Odin was trying to pull off?”
“It doesn’t fit with the intricate set up no, and the building of key elements isn’t apparent here. The only thing that would be a potential link is the extreme nature of the violence but that could just be down to their particularly vicious tastes.”
“Well let’s hope they’re just marauding bastards.”
“Ivy?” prompted Raphaella, aware that Ivy needed gentle prompting to avoid a negative spiral. There had been enough of that tonight.
“I’ll keep an eye on any mentions.”
“Good.”
“In any case, I am very up for helping Lily with her vengeance plan.”
“Yeah, after what that kid’s seen. I am intrinsically on board for helping her wipe their atoms from the universe.”
“This doesn’t mean we push her for vengeance.”
“No of course not, it’s just, if she wants it, I am very happy to support her.”
There was a general noise of agreement. All of them were planning elaborate murders if Lily wanted their help. There was something about the feralness that had unsettled them all.
Elder gods or no, they would pay.
If Lily wanted that.
“So, we’re all agreed?”
“Yeah, no vengeance unless she asks for it.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“And what else about Lily?”
“I have no idea what you are talking about.” Jonny tried to deflect.
Tim was having none of it, “Of course you don’t you absolute twat.”
“Fuck you.”
“Fine! I’ll spell it out,” Huffed Marius, “as much as this was fucking horrific, this was good for Lily. It shows her that we’ll be here no matter what her brain shows her.”
“And that she’s safe with us, in a turn up for every book ever or will ever be written, we’re actually doing a bloody good job with her. All of us. Because she’d gone to every single one of us tonight. Everyone.”
“We’re not fucking this up. We’re not fucking her up. Lily, Lily knows she’s safe with us.”
“She loves us.”
“Yeah, yeah she does.”
“And we love her.”
There was an impressive amount of silence.
“Own up fuckers.”
“Fine,” Huffed Tim, “she’s the nearest thing I’ve ever had to a little sister I would happily murder the faces off any fucker that touched her ship. Happy now?!”
Everyone looked at Tim, utterly stunned.
“Fuck off, like you feel any different.”
Ashes’ mouth opened.
“I feel the same!” Ivy looked more shocked that the words had come out of her mouth. “She’s like a little sister, one I want to see grow up happy and healthy.”
“Yeah, fair enough, Marius summed her up, kid’s a piece of sunshine. Makes me feel all sorts of shit I never thought I could.”
“She’s ours now, our responsibility, I never, not once thought, but Lily, she’s, she’s something real, someone to nurture and encourage and raise.” Explained Raphella.
Aurora hummed insistently.
Nastya spoke up, “Aurora loves her, as do I, she is her ‘bouncy one’ Aurora has never had child nor could. With Lily she has that wish more than she could have dreamed. She is ours, and she is ours for good, both hers and ours.”
“Lily Is The Best Playmate A Chap Could Ask for, I’m Jolly Sorry The Young Bean Has Had Such A Rotten Time Of It But She Is Part Of The Crew And She Is Happy With Us.”
“Didn’t take you lot for such a soppy sack of saps.”
“Fuck off Jonny, like you’re denying you feel she’s yours when she’s literally curled up on your lap, dead asleep, clinging to you like the last thing in her world.”
“Tim’s right.”
“See!”
“Jonny, there is literally no point in denying it. We’ve all seen it. Just accept you’re good at something other than violence for once you one-track bastard.” Ashes’ snark cut through his bluster.
“I’m pretty fucking good at singing too thanks.”
“Dickhead.”
“I think the words you’re looking for are ‘Thanks fellow crewmates for helping me support this kid we accidentally adopted and are somehow giving her a better life than the one she lost, I know everyone is as surprised as me that I’ve turned out to be a decent parent shaped thing but weirder things have happened in the void. We’re all actually good at this and we make a passable family. Anyway, hurrah for trauma bonding. Good talk everyone.”
“Marius, if I didn’t have both arms full of Lily I’d shoot you through your stupid mono-goggle.”
“But you do, so suck it up first mate. Be acknowledged. You’ve not fucked this up. We’ve not fucked this up. And Lily is fucking great.”
“I—"
Nastya glared at him with Brian mirroring the expression.
“Fine, you’re not complete dickheads, we’re not completely fucking awful for once and I am still your captain.”
“First mate. Lily’s the captain. But you’re a decent first mate for her. Well done.”
The expressions warring on Jonny’s face were a sight to behold pride, horror, rage, genuine pleasure, more annoyance, and back to his usual smug, cocky grin.
“All right fine you sad sacks, you’re alright. Sometimes.”
“Love you too Jonny.”
“Fuck off Marius.”
“Guys, she’s stirring.”
Lily was beginning to snuffle and wiggle. A tell-tale time to wakefulness incoming.
“Mhmmm?”
“Lily, Lemondrop, you’re alright.”
She started to struggle, “Jonny? Jonny! Are you? Jonny!” She squeaked, sitting up in a rush in his lap, already looking about wildly.
“Hey Lemondrop, we’re all here, all of us, and we’re not going anywhere, we’ve got you, you’re home.”
“Home?”
“Safe on the Aurora, for as long as you want.”
She looked about, taking in all her friend’s faces. Her friends who were alive and well and smiling at her. They were all alright.
They were all safe.
Her brain had lied to her. But they hadn’t. They were safe and alive and they would always come back to her.
“Can I stay forever?”
“We’d like that Lily, we’d like that very much.”
Everyone nodded, looking as sincere as she’d ever seen them.
That was enough for Lily, she didn’t need lots of words, their expressions were enough, she knew them well enough in the 5 and a half months she’d lived with them.
“Thank you, I love you, I love you all, you’re mine now. My family.” She breathed the words like a prayer.
“Yeah, we are, and you’re ours. For good.”
Lily reached out wordlessly, they knew her well enough by now to know exactly what this meant. They piled in, squashing each other, comfortable, companionable and uncomplaining because their littlest crew mate, their child needed them.
And they weren’t so bad at this, after all.