Chapter Text
it was hanbin, jiwoong and matthew who arrived at the wakeone building first. taerae was probably around somewhere but he hadn’t come to their studio yet, “he’s probably off doing god knows what with hanbin and jeonghyeon,” jiwoong had suggested causing the other two to laugh as they sat and waited.
hanbin had found himself unable to rest ever since they entered the room. he had thousands of memories of the thousands of hours he had spent there, of running through dances almost too many times with all eight of the other members, of getting too tired to even move and having hao slump down next to him as they took a break.
“you nervous?” matthew spoke up then, casting a look at hanbin that told him that matthew knew exactly what he was thinking about.
“yeah,” he replied seeing no point in denying it.
“i don’t know what you’re so worried about,” jiwoong answered then, “you’re both still obsessed with each other and-“
the door opened then and gyuvin, yujin and ricky walked in saving hanbin from whatever awful thing jiwoong was about to say. the two younger boys immediately glued themselves to hanbin’s side as if they hadn’t seen him in ten years. it had only been a couple of months but to someone as dramatic of gyuvin that was ‘like half of his life.’ taerae finally arrived next, then gunwook and then they were only waiting on hao. he’d told hanbin he was staying in a hotel somewhere not so far away, one of the managers from wakeone had driven down there to pick him up deeming it still not safe for him to travel around on the subway on his own.
“hao hyung just texted to say he’s here,” ricky announced suddenly and hanbin felt his back straighten as if he had been shocked. matthew placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and hanbin couldn’t do anything but desperately will himself to act normal for once in his life.
the door opened then, hanbin’s breath caught in the back of his throat and everything felt a little like he was watching a movie. it was the way hao walked through the door and his eyes searched around the room until they eventually landed on hanbin’s face, it was the way his beautiful smile that hanbin had missed far too much stretched its way across his lips, it was the way he was practically glowing, cheeks reddened by the chill of the winter air.
“hi, sorry i’m late,” was all he managed to say before gyuvin all but launched himself on him.
“hyung i missed you so bad, you told me you’d come to visit us,” he pouted and hanbin couldn’t help but feel fondness spread through his whole body as he watched hao hug all of the members so tightly. it was only when he’d finally finished greeting everyone and he stood in front of hanbin that everything felt so different.
hao opened his arms slowly as if afraid to ask for the very thing hanbin wanted most in the world. he couldn’t help but mirror gyuvin’s earlier actions and nearly launch himself into the hug, hao giggled lightly as he did so and hanbin’s heart was set alight by the sound, by the feeling of hao’s arms around his waist, by the feeling of coming home.
“i missed you,” he breathed out, desperately willing away the tears that were quickly collecting in his eyes.
“i missed you too hanbinnie.”
—
the practice ran so smoothly that hanbin almost forgot that they’d ever been apart from each other. hao had explained how he’d kept dancing as a hobby so he didn’t lose his skills and the others only seemed to have gotten even better (if that was possible) since the group disbanded. hanbin reassumed his role of leader seamlessly but they all remembered the choreography pretty easily, muscle memory seemed to be working well.
about halfway through the day, hanbin found himself nominated to go and grab them all drinks from the water fountain downstairs. despite his protests that he was an old man and yujin should go instead, the others just seemed to giggle at him and hanbin was about to give one final desperate plea before hao spoke up, “come on, i’ll go with you.”
well, he’d never shut up so quickly in his life.
despite expecting it to, the walk through the corridors and the lift ride weren’t awkward. even though they’d hardly spoken to each other for what felt like forever, being silent in each other’s company still didn’t feel uncomfortable and hanbin was immensely grateful for that.
when they got to the water fountain, hanbin picked up a tray and then started filling up a few cups. hao sat on the sofa beside him just watching him silently, it was a little unnerving at first, the older wearing an expression where hanbin knew he had something he wanted to say but he didn’t know how to start. as he finished filling the cups, hanbin sat down beside him.
“are you okay?” he asked, “you seem a bit out of it.”
hao took a moment longer to respond than normal, letting out a deep breath before he spoke, “yeah, i just missed this and the group,” he sighed again, “especially you.”
hanbin didn’t even bother trying to fight the furious blush that appeared on his cheeks knowing that it was a war he would never win, “me too, i wanted it to be like this forever.”
at those words hao turned to face him, hanbin saw the sparkle in his eyes as if he’d just been given everything he had ever wanted on a silver platter but then his smile faltered as if as soon as he’d been given it, it was taken away. “maybe we’re both good at wanting things we can’t have.”
the words were weighted with something that hanbin felt like he understood but couldn’t place, like there was a second meaning behind them that hao almost wanted him to know. “i’m sure you could have anything you wanted,” hanbin settled on saying, his voice quiet almost like a whisper as if he was saying something he wanted to hide from the rest of the world.
“i really wish you were right.”
—
a few days before the stage everything felt hectic. while hao only had one stage to worry about, the rest of them were all spending their time half preparing for their solo or group stages and half running to the wakeone building to make sure the reunion too would be perfect. despite this, it was easy to make time for each other, hanbin found himself turning up at the wakeone building randomly to practice and already seeing jiwoong or matthew or hao in the room running through the moves.
it all felt so normal that it almost hurt, like they were young again. hanbin felt high on the emotion of knowing he’d been chosen as one of the nine people in the world lucky enough to be part of this group. he felt high on the fact that they had worked so perfectly together right from the word go. he felt high on the fact that despite it being almost four years since they left each other it was like nothing ever changed. they were family.
“what are you thinking about?” matthew asked him the day before the stage as they were trying on their outfits once last time to avoid any wardrobe malfunctions during the performance.
“just everyone,” hanbin smiled gently, “it’s so nice to be back together.”
“it is,” matthew hummed, “we should all do it more often.”
“yeah,” hanbin laughed, “three years left on everyone’s contracts then i’ll force you all to leave your companies so we can reform.”
matthew burst out laughing at this but hanbin could see in his eyes the way he wanted it, the way he was hanging on to hanbin’s joke as if it was plausible. “i’m sure everyone would if you begged them hard enough.”
“would what?” hao’s voice came from behind them and as soon as hanbin turned around to face him he wished he hadn’t. throughout the years, hao’s looks had matured a little, he still looked youthful and pretty, god hao was so pretty hanbin thought he might die but seeing him in these clothes again, face covered with just the right amount of make up had him remembering the thousands of instances all those years ago that pushed him further and further into uncontrollable love.
“you look nice hanbin,” hao smiled, “and you matthew,” he added.
“thank you for your afterthought hyung,” matthew joked causing hao to hit his arm lightly, “anyway i’m going to find jiwoong,” he left at that and hanbin quickly noticed it was only him and hao left in the dressing room.
“you still didn’t answer my question,” hao spoke, turning to face him directly now and hanbin was almost so awed that he forgot what the question even was.
“oh, i was joking with matthew that i’ll force everyone to leave their companies in three years time,” hanbin smiled like it was funny, like he wouldn’t seriously jump at the chance to have it all again.
“i’d join,” hao answered without a second’s thought, like it was the easiest thing he’d ever said.
“you would? i thought you didn’t want the whole… idol thing,” hanbin questioned back confusedly.
“i don’t but i’d want it with you,” hao replied, quickly adding, “all of you i mean.”
“me too,” hanbin admitted softly after that, ignoring the way his heart almost burst, “i was joking but i’d do it in a heartbeat.”
hao just smiled then and soon they were called back into the practice room. hanbin didn’t quite know what to do with the new information, he wasn’t a man above begging, not if it meant that he could have hao at his side again but also he would never put the other members in such an uncomfortable situation so it wasn’t a real option. maybe he, hao and matthew could be a trio or something.
—
arriving at an award show was nothing new for hanbin. although it was billed as being bigger and better, mama was just the same as every other show. he performed, he won an award (usually a bonsang or if not something stupid like ‘favourite male dance performance from a soloist who debuted three years ago’), he tried not to look too proud as the other zb1 members performed and he left to do it all again a few days later.
arriving with zerobaseone, however, felt simultaneously brand new and heartbreakingly familiar. it was mnet’s idea for them to arrive together, something about maximising the time that the fans got to interact with them for. hanbin had already seen the pictures of the people waiting to greet them behind the barriers at the entrance to the arena, it was nice seeing that so many zeroses were just as excited as they were.
“are you nervous?” came hao’s voice from next to him as he reached out to pat his knee as a way of showing support.
“a little,” hanbin admitted, “but then i like to remind myself that it’s not like this is something we haven’t done hundreds of times before, are you nervous though? it’s been so long for you.”
“i guess i am,” hao answered, fiddling with the rings on his fingers, “more nervous about the fact that it’s my first time in the public eye after so long than the actual performance though.”
“you’ll do fine, you’re so loved even still, don’t you see the ads that are everywhere for you on your birthday? even if you messed up no one would care they’d just be happy that they get to see you again,” hanbin smiled and spoke in a way that he hoped was comforting.
“i guess so,” the older responded, “thank you hanbin, you always did know what to say to me to calm me down.”
hanbin chose not to think too hard about that instead deciding to look out of the window and take in the view of the sunrise. no matter how long he’d been doing this for, he always took pleasure in moments like this. there was something about driving along a road in a car with blacked out windows knowing that no one beyond this car knew who was inside of it, knowing that for those few minutes you were nameless that just never got old.
he watched as they crossed over the river, he took in the name of the bridge, the sight of the river bank, looked up into the sky to see the lotte world tower and remembered the time as trainees when he and matthew had gone to visit and the time he visited with hao and how the other couldn’t stand on the clear glass for long because he was afraid of the sight below him.
in fact, all of hanbin’s thoughts and memories alike seemed to lead back to hao. he was a common denominator in hanbin’s life, each song, each choreo, each lyric was fuelled by their connection, by hanbin’s love and although there was beauty in it, there had also been pain.
as the car stopped outside of the arena, hanbin took a look over to where hao sat. the older’s eyes shone as he waved excitedly at the fans, it was their first glimpse of hao in years but also hao’s first reminder of just how many people loved him too and hanbin felt his heart swell at the sight. it was almost comforting to know that he was just one of thousands, just another soul who had fallen irredeemably for the charms of zhang hao.
they got out of the car one after each other and walked into the building together. somehow the cheers from the fans only got louder as hanbin walked to hao’s side, he’d always known what people had said about the two of them, he’d always known that their actions had been seen as more than friendly and perhaps on hanbin’s side that was true. he just wasn’t sure he could say the same to hao.
as they approached the dressing rooms, the members split to go their separate ways. taerae went off to find his group, as did gunwook and gyuvin, ricky and yujin walked off to find the rest of theirs leaving matthew, hanbin, jiwoong and hao to share a dressing room. they all had individual stages to prepare for as well, besides hao of course, but that was far at the back of hanbin’s mind.
“you okay?” he asked as he saw hao take in a deep breath as he sat down in a chair in the corner of the room. he seemed almost as if he was closing in on himself and hanbin remembered this to be one of the ways to know when hao was nervous.
“yeah,” he had brushed the question off lightly at first, “just forgot how intense it all was.”
hanbin smiled lightly at this, “yeah, they’re just so excited to see you after so long.”
“i’m excited to see them too,” hao answered honestly, a bright smile making it’s way on to his face with the words, “i missed this actually,” he carried on speaking as he reached out to grab hanbin’s hand.
when he felt hao’s soft palm in his own, hanbin pleaded with his mind not to make a big deal out of it and not to turn his cheeks red but any kind of physical contact with hao always sent him into a stupor. maybe he was down bad but hao could do literally anything and hanbin would be bright red in the face and tripping over his words.
a member of staff appeared then, breaking the little corner of comfort they’d created. they ran quickly through the cue sheet, their solo performances were scheduled towards the start of the show so that they had ample time to prepare for zb1’s performance towards the end. hanbin and matthew’s show times were right next to each other with just the announcement of ‘best female group dance performance’ between them.
“what are you wearing for your stage?” hao asked curiously as the staff member left and hanbin was taken over to have his first set of makeup and hair done for the day.
“it’s like a white outfit,” hanbin tried to explain before glancing behind himself using the mirror to see if he could see it in the background, “you know kind of like the one i wore for that invu stage?”
“oh,” hao spoke, “you looked really good in that, i’m excited,” he beamed and hanbin couldn’t fight the way his cheeks heated up this time, thankfully a layer of foundation thick enough to cover any trace of it had already been applied.
somehow, in talking to hao, the whole laborious hair and makeup process seemed to take far less long. the older knew the exact ways to keep hanbin occupied and from falling asleep in the chair. they talked about anything and everything from the students in hao’s classes to flavours of ice cream they had come to like recently. it felt oddly like everything hanbin had been missing in his life ever since the disbandment of the group, it was so cruel to think that in just a few days hao would be taken away from him yet again.
“hanbin, are you ready to go?” came a voice a few hours later and hanbin stepped out from behind the screen he’d changed behind. he missed the way hao’s jaw fell slack and his face reddened under jiwoong’s knowing gaze.
“yeah, i’m all set to go."
—
when hanbin returned to the dressing room from his solo stage it was chaos. all of them had finished the stages with their groups or alone now and it seemed like all hell had broken loose while he had been gone. those who had performed recently were having their makeup touched up while those like taerae, jiwoong and gunwook along with hao who had been in the room for a while were already dressed in their stage outfits ready for the stage with the group.
it almost brought a tear to hanbin’s eye seeing them all dressed in matching outfits again. nothing had changed really, gyuvin and gunwook sat next to each other playing against each other on some mobile game, ricky kept poking his head over gyuvin’s shoulder and laughing as he lost, jiwoong and matthew sat beside each other and the oldest was helping taerae and yujin out with buckles on their outfits and hao… hao was almost glued to hanbin’s side and thinking back on it, it had been like that when the group was still together too.
in a room of one thousand people hanbin was sure that he and hao would find each other instantly. perhaps it was some kind of invisible force pulling them close to each other but hanbin didn’t care, he loved it, loved their connection, loved that hao always chose him.
unlike how it usually was for his solo performances, hanbin found that the type they spent getting ready as a group flew, maybe it was having hao talking to him about his students back in china while he was getting ready but hanbin found himself enjoying the whole thing. it was no surprise really, even after years had passed zerobaseone was still his everything.
once hanbin was finally dressed and his hair and makeup done to perfection, he stepped back into the room and hao’s gaze instantly found his. they stared at each other for a little while, hao not saying much as he took in the sight of hanbin before him. hanbin understood it all, the feeling of seeing the whole group together again and the feeling could only have been amplified for hao who had been away from everything for so long.
“hyung, are you okay?” came ricky’s voice after a few seconds passed, hao was seemingly knocked out of the daze he found himself in as gyuvin snorted in the background.
“he was malfunctioning,” gyuvin giggled and hanbin watched as he and ricky seemed to communicate without even speaking, giggling over something he had no idea about.
“whatever,” hao huffed but with a fond smile on his face, “i’m fine, just a bit lost in the feeling of all of this again.”
hanbin instantly melted. it was sad really, he’d been so invested in thinking about his own feelings that he hadn’t really considered what all of this must be like for hao.
hao had all but completely disappeared. hanbin saw tweets and posts and articles about it constantly, everyone wanted to know where hao was, what he was doing now, what he looked like these days. hao himself had still reached out to hanbin when he first returned home to china and asked what people were saying about him and whether people were wondering about him. being thrust back into the limelight after so long must have been terrifying and only now did hanbin notice the nervousness on hao’s face.
“hao,” hanbin breathed out softly to get the man’s attention and the older turned to face him, tearing his eyes away from where ricky and gyuvin sat bickering, “are you nervous?”
“yeah,” hao replied honestly. there had never been a need for him to lie to hanbin after all, even after all this time they were so in sync with each other’s emotions that hanbin could read him perfectly.
“you don’t need to be, zeroses will be so happy to see you again that you could do anything and they wouldn’t mind, the fact that you’re singing and dancing is just a bonus,” hanbin smiled gently, reaching out to grab hao’s hand and hold it lightly.
he watched as hao’s expression morphed into one of shock and his eyes flickered down to where their hands were intertwined. hanbin hardly noticed that he’d done it, still too in tune with their old behaviours to notice that anything was up. when he saw hao’s expression, however, he quickly tore his hand away and let his arms hang awkwardly by his sides as if he didn’t quite know what to do with them anymore, as if he didn’t quite know how to act around the man he loved after so long.
“thank you hanbin,” hao spoke then, matching hanbin’s warm tone before he reached out to intertwine their hands together again. hanbin couldn’t help the way his heart raced, the feeling of hao’s hand in his own had always brought him such comfort and warmth and having it all again felt too good to be true. it was hard not to get misty eyed as he glanced around the room and took in the sight of the other members, his group, acting as if they had never spent time apart, as if they weren’t years older now and nothing had changed. god, hanbin loved them all so much, loved having them together so much.
“you’re the one who’s gonna cry now,” hao spoke out despite the fact that he looked close to tears too, “let’s just let ourselves get lost in it, we go out there and we pretend that we never disbanded, we pretend that it’s 2024 and
we’re about to win favourite male group or whatever and go back home to the dorms afterward to celebrate.”
hanbin breathed in deeply at hao’s words, letting everything seep into his mind. he could pretend right? he could pretend that he’d go home to their dorms and hao would sneak into his room and they’d curl up against each other and fall asleep like that, he could pretend that gyuvin would wake them up in the morning by flopping on top of them and beaming at them with a smile that rivaled the sun. he could pretend that he had everything he wanted so desperately right back in the palm of his hands.
“yeah, i’d like that,” he spoke and hao’s eyes shone, any remnants of the tears that threatened to fall completely gone and instead replaced by utter warmth and happiness.
—
they headed towards the stage after that and hanbin felt like he was on auto-pilot. there was no time to mull things over or worry or even think, he was pretending and he was almost too good at it. he stepped back into the role of leader so seemlessly, leading a cheer and then helping some of the younger members settle their nerves last minute.
then he stepped out on to the stage.
although the arena was huge, hanbin could easily spot the thousands of zb1 lightsticks in the crowd. it warmed his heart so much to know that people still had them, still used them, still came out to support them even after so long. he wondered briefly about how the fans had felt when they disbanded, he knew they must have had hope that they would stay together. hell, they themselves had done everything they could to try and carry on as a group but their companies had made it impossible and now they were split into a few groups and a few soloists.
that didn’t matter now though. in fact, nothing else mattered except for the first few notes of in bloom reverberating through the arena and hao sat in the centre, finally back where he belonged, singing the first line and moving like he’d never been away from this life at all.
hanbin’s body moved automatically and he let himself get soak it all in as they performed a medley of their title tracks. he perfectly executed his solo dance break and watched on fondly as gunwook and yujin did the same. the cheers from the crowd felt louder than ever before and at times hanbin could hardly believe how loved they still were, how everyone was here not just for him but for zerobaseone, for all nine of them.
the final song started playing far too quickly. hanbin couldn’t help the way his heart beat furiously as here i am started playing, the song that he had once grown way too sick of now filling his heart with a bittersweet nostalgia. they performed without a single mistake as per usual and when the bridge finally came, all time stopped. hanbin reached out to where hao stood and when they caught each other’s gaze everyone else disappeared, the fans, the members, the staff. it was just hanbin and hao, performing like they did all those years ago when they hardly knew each other, back when hanbin’s feelings were just starting to bubble up but he was already sure that one day soon they would become love.
the moment seemed to last forever but still it came to an end too quickly and before hanbin knew it they were all teary eyed, taking their bows and waving to as many fans as possible before they were ushered off the stage.
that was it.
as soon as they spilt into the dressing room, everyone flopped down onto the sofas, breathing heavily and wiping at the tears that spilt from their eyes. every single one of them had felt the same thing, the same crushing feeling as the final notes of here i am had played and they were back to being separate again. it all crashed upon hanbin far too quickly. tomorrow, hao would go back to china, he would no longer see jiwoong grabbing coffee in the wakeone building, he wouldn’t walk into the practice room every day to see gyuvin and ricky bickering while yujin did everything he could to rile them up more. no, it would soon just be him again, soloist sung hanbin and his thoughts of what might have been in a different life.