Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Being patient was never one of the virtues Buck had grasped a good handle on. No, instead Buck was impatient at heart. Waiting anxiously for something to arrive, never settled well in his spirit. As much as he tried to mold himself into a patient person, he couldn’t compel himself to be fine with a long waiting period — especially when he was waiting for someone. 

Eddie had sworn he would be following closely behind him. Part of him knew not to take Eddie for his word. He knew that should Eddie have the opportunity, he would spend the entire night searching for the young girl's teddy bear, Mr. Tubbs. Buck would have rather the teddy bear be lost forever, if that meant Eddie was safely back in his vicinity. Apologies to Davie, but he could care less about that stuffed animal that had a near identical twin at the store. 

Unlike Buck, Eddie couldn’t deny Davie her favorite stuffed animal.

And so Buck had let him go off in search of that stuffed animal, although he wanted to wrap his arms around Eddie and plead with him to leave it alone. The storm was making its way closer to them and it was already hard, when they were searching for Davie out in this storm. 

He quickly went back to base, where everyone had gathered. Athena looked at him, breathing a sigh of relief once she saw Davie nestled tightly in his arms. She called on her radio for everyone to come back, since they had found her. He reunited her with her family, watching as she was seen to by one of the other paramedics on scene. 

While he stepped away, he couldn’t help the way his head immediately turned to search for Eddie. He couldn’t dispel the anxiety licking up his spine as he dropped Davie back off with her family. He began to count the seconds in his head, worrying as they gathered into minutes. 

He promised him that he would be right behind him. Eddie had sworn that he was following, telling him, “I’ll be right behind you.” 

He lied. 

Bobby came to stand beside him, confused as to why he returned alone. He didn’t want to hear Bobby tell him it was foolish to head off in search of a teddy bear. He knew his thoughts would echo his own, but he didn’t want his worry mirrored on Bobby’s expression. He wouldn’t be able to bear that at the moment. Instead he remained silent. 

Buck kept counting the seconds as he watched the lightning flicker in the sky. There were moments he lost his place, when the thunder erupted and shook the ground he stood on. 

His teeth chattered and he started to look helplessly at Bobby the longer they stood there together. He was aware Bobby would tell him to wait, to give Eddie more time. However, the more time passed the more frustrated and anxious he became. 

“Bobby,” he rasped, eyes pleading with him to understand. 

He sighed at him, peering up at the sky that continued to darken. Blinking out the rain from his eyes, he tilted his head back down. “Be safe, be smart, and keep your radio on, Buck. You tell us, if you need help at any time. I don’t want to go off in search of two of my guys, okay?”

“Okay,” Buck rushed to say, running off in search of Eddie. He wasn’t going to waste any more time. 

By then, Eddie should have come back. There was no reason for him to be taking this long. That meant something must have happened to him. He begged those dismal thoughts to leave his mind. They had no place in his mind. He needed to focus and he couldn’t focus if his eyes kept glazing over and his limbs kept trembling. 

In his haste to find Eddie, he tripped on a rock. This time Eddie wasn’t there to pull him upright. He fell to the ground, catching his hand on a branch. He ignored the way it cut into his palm as he used that same hand to push himself back onto his feet. 

“Eddie!” he shouted, much like he had called out for Davie’s name, when they were looking for her. “Eddie!”

He wondered whether Eddie was cold. He had given his turnout coat to Davie. The winds picked up, which meant the rain must have felt painful on his skin. Eddie was prone to getting sick in this type of weather. Buck had to stop himself from immediately taking off his turnout coat to give it to him, as if that would summon Eddie. 

“Eddie!” his voice cracked. 

He continued to scream out his name. His voice grew muffled with the sharpening cries of the wind and deafening rolls of thunder. He looked toward the sky, begging for the storm to quieten so Eddie could hear him. What if he was hurt somewhere, but he couldn’t hear Buck calling out for him? 

His flashlight was not serving its purpose. He could barely see anything in the darkness of the storm. Trees created hidden passageways that Buck feared he would get lost in. Had Eddie gotten lost in them? He worked his way through the forest, recounting his steps. Eddie couldn’t have wandered that far from the trail. There wasn’t enough time for him to get that deep into the woods. 

“Eddie!” he repeated, pressuring his voice to grow louder. He massaged his neck, hoping to soothe it. He could be hoarse tomorrow, but today he needed his vocal chords to extend past its limitations. “Eddie! Eddie, where are you? Shout or make some noise, if you can hear me!”

The wind was a poor mockery of Eddie’s voice. It whistled in his ear, playfully teasing him for his panic. He wished for the wind to be still. His foot slid down as the ground dipped underneath him. He allowed himself to be pulled down as he walked closer to the Gliding Rocks Trail. 

His flashlight glinted off of the signs, warning camp goers not to swim in the river in case of a storm. Feeling despondent that he hadn’t found Eddie, he reached out to grab his radio and call in for more help. He’d rather get more eyes out here than think he could do this alone. He wasn’t going to risk Eddie’s safety just because he wanted to be the person to save him. 

The radio crackled to life as soon as his flashlight caught on something in the river. He removed his hand from the button and drew closer to the river. His heart sank to the bottom part of his soul, when he saw someone's head pop out of the river and then be swallowed up by the tumultuous torrent. He swore he could see someone’s fingers above the water. Then the hand was gone.

He didn’t have time to wonder whether it was Eddie or not. There was someone drowning and Buck had to get to them. Giving into his fears, he tried telling himself that Eddie couldn’t have been so careless as to find himself in a river during a heavy storm. It couldn’t be Eddie. 

But in his heart, he knew it was him. He should have called for someone to be there for back-up in case something bad happened. However, he couldn’t waste any more time. He had to get to Eddie. He ran to the river and dove into it. 

The water attempted to greedily swallow him in its ravenous mouth. Buck resisted its greedy hold. He should have thought about discarding his turnout coat because it was weighing him down. Unfortunately, it was too late to think about that now. 

He fought against the raging waters that tried to forge itself into a wall, separating him from Eddie. The river had no power against him. He swam toward Eddie, seeing him once again surge up for air before he was ultimately brought back down. 

Gathering all the air that he could, he allowed himself to sink down into the river. He kicked his legs and propelled himself toward Eddie. His body was turned around as the wind tossed the water like it was in a blender. 

He shot up, gasping for air. He had gotten further from Eddie than he had originally been. Clenching his jaw in anger, he swam back to Eddie. Pain sank into him, the longer he swam. Every time the waves pushed him back a foot, he would swim forward four more feet. 

He had never been so angry at nature, but curses were beginning to saturate his thoughts the longer he withstood its turmoil. His eyes began to burn as he opened them, searching for Eddie once more.

Buck had been terrified of lightning for a long time, but as its blue light cascaded into the dark waters and illuminated the river drowning him, he found himself for the first time in a while being thankful for lightning. Blue light reflected off of Eddie’s body, creating an effervescent glow around him. He swam to the glow and urged lightning to strike again, once the river grew dark. 

“Eddie!” he yelled, as his face came above water. 

If he could do nothing else at that moment, the least he could do was let Eddie know he was there. He wasn’t alone. He swam closer to him and shouted his name, anytime he shot up for air. He didn’t like how Eddie wasn’t coming up for air anymore.

Eddie was staying in the river. He wasn’t getting up. 

Fear caught in his throat. He had to get to Eddie right then and there. Once he had swam close enough to touch his shirt, he dove back into the water. 

His hand reached out to grab any part of Eddie that he could. His hands found his waist and he grabbed onto his shirt, so he could find purchase on his waist and pull him out of the water. His heart stopped in his chest, when he felt Eddie’s hands push him away. Their hands glided off of each other, as he tried reaching out to grab his hand. 

The move startled him into loosening his hold on Eddie, which was a mistake because it pushed him further away from Eddie. However, he quickly corrected the mistake and swam back to him. He forcefully grabbed his shoulders, using his hold on them to guide Eddie toward him. Then he wrapped his arms tightly around his back and began to swim them upward. 

Eddie promised he was right behind him. 

Eddie promised that he wouldn’t lose him. 

And Buck would be damned, if he let those promises be swept away by this storm. 

Buck had  regarded two promises like they were sacred. Eddie made him believe that he could trust his words, that he could place his faith in those promises. He would not make Eddie into a liar. 

So he continued to swim upward, even though his body screamed at him with exhaustion. He would hold onto him, even though his shoulders were tight with tension. When he brought them up into the air, Buck gasped sharply. Painful droplets of rain cut his tongue, erasing the numbness that had befallen onto it. 

His eyes burned and his chest shook like a rattle. Coughing up water, he urged his lungs to cooperate.

Allow me to bring Eddie safely to land and I'll give my body rest. Just let me make sure Eddie is safe first, he pleaded with his body. 

His ears perked up, when he heard a sharp inhale. He hazarded a glance at Eddie, watching as color swam back into his cheeks. Relief clung to him, but he couldn’t let that feeling make him grow comfortable. Having the affirmation that Eddie was breathing, he swam back to the trail. 

Once they got out of the river, Buck dropped both of them onto the ground. He moved away from Eddie as he turned over to choke up the water he inhaled. Relief had reformed itself back into anger, as he watched Eddie continue to cough up water. 

Did Eddie not care what would have happened to him down there? Had he not deigned himself to imagine what would happen to Buck, if he had succumbed to the river’s malignant grasp?

All of a sudden he didn’t know whether he wanted to pull him in by the shoulders to shake him or press his lips to his in hopes of feeling first hand that he still had enough breath in his lungs. He could only blame himself for those warring thoughts, causing him to align himself in front of Eddie and press his lips onto his. 

He moved halfway on top of Eddie, digging his hands into the flesh of Eddie’s hip. He hoped he left marks there, so that later when the storm passed and washed everything away he had evidence that this hadn’t been a dream. 

He felt the way Eddie’s teeth chattered, so he reached out to grab his chin with his hand. The chattering stopped, but Buck’s hands trembled. He couldn’t get them to stop, no matter how much he tried to bring peace to his anxious thoughts. 

He had half the mind to pull away because this wasn’t how he planned on kissing Eddie. He told himself he would be patient. He would wait for him to be ready. Buck had been so good, patiently biding his time until Eddie was at a point in his life where he could allow himself to freely feel what Buck felt…at least he hoped it was the same thing he felt. 

However, as was known…Buck was not a patient man. 

He worried his impatience would ruin what was growing between himself and Eddie. They were always on the precipice of making the discovery of something that was right underneath them. If they were archaeologists, they had walked over the remains of something historically profound more times than the human mind was capable of quantifying. Neither of them were able to dig up the ground, too terrified of the implications of what they found would have on the world. 

But here they were digging up everything that laid underneath their feet and the world continued spinning around them. The storm quieted itself as Eddie’s fingers trailed behind his neck, causing Buck to press in closer to him. The storm raged with thunderous applause as a breathless exhalation escaped Eddie’s mouth. 

His hands found purchase on Eddie’s waist and guided him off of the tree that he had been leaning up against. Buck felt emboldened as his back arched under his touch. Inside of him a flame was lit, burning away at every single thought that didn’t encompass Eddie. 

His hand traveled to his spine, running over the bones like they were mounted hills he had longed to traverse. He sought to intimately discover his body in ways that a geologist studied the earth. His desires to explore were inescapable. His needs were overwhelming. Pulling away from him now, would be an insurmountable problem he had no reason to solve. 

Water lined their lips and restored life that had almost been stolen by the river. Eddie tasted like the tempestuous waves, pulling Buck deeper into its powerful hold. Buck allowed himself to go willingly. He wanted to drown in Eddie. He wanted to be enclosed in the space he occupied. 

His hand moved up from Eddie’s waist toward his face. He gently tugged his chin downward, making his mouth open wider. He didn’t know whether he swallowed the hissing sound of wind whipping through the trees or the shuttered whisper of breaths falling from Eddie’s lips. 

Greedily, he consumed both. 

His mouth traveled lower, once he was satisfied that he knew Eddie still had breath in his lungs. His teeth caught his pulse, nipping teasingly at the skin there. His tongue swiped over the warm skin that tasted like rain. He felt his pulse quicken and he wanted to test how fast it could race. 

Eddie shifted his body underneath him, letting Buck fall fully on top of him. He had to stop himself from moaning aloud as Eddie's body rolled upward, as if searching for all points of contact. His boot slid in the mud, indirectly causing him to settle more firmly on top of Eddie. 

A shiver racked his body as he pulled back from his neck to stare at Eddie’s face. His eyes fell to his lips, noticing that when he had grabbed his chin that he accidentally stuck a leaf to his skin. He swiped it away with his thumb, leaving behind an imprint of dirt on his skin. 

As if seeking more of his attention, Eddie stretched his neck up. Smirking down at him, he playfully bit alongside his jaw then trailed his tongue up toward his lips. Dirt tasted almost heavenly on his skin. Buck would later reflect on what it was that made him want to consume everything on Eddie to the point where he revered dirt. 

He had known what it was to love Eddie, but having him laid out before him to love openly was purely astonishing.  

Here in the silence of the storm’s cacophony, he felt peace. 

His heart swelled in tandem with the storm’s insistent crackles of thunder. The storm was the only witness to what was happening and he hoped it would carry this moment in between the whispers of the leaves. He hoped as the storm ravaged on that the thunder would partake of this moment and liken themselves to become like the chorus in a Shakespearean play, setting forth the narrative of what has happened and what may happen. 

Eddie’s tongue softly ran over his lips and Buck parted his mouth easily for him on a shaky exhale. If he wanted his breath, he would give him all the air in his lungs. 

He wanted to dig inside the dirt and carve up a space for them both, so their bodies’ imprint may be buried within the storm. He wanted to exist within this moment and outside of it as well. When the storm cleared, he wanted Eddie to still be there with him. He didn’t want the storm to sweep Eddie away. 

It almost managed to. 

“Eddie. Eddie. Eddie,” he whispered with a tone of desperation and praise because he had not lost him. The river did not take him. 

“Buck,” he chokingly rasped in response. 

His eyes traveled to the back of his mind as Eddie’s rasped breaths fell warmly into his ear and his teeth caught on his earlobe. He heatedly hissed at the sting that was soothed by a kiss. 

He moved further on top of Eddie, guiding his knee to open up space between his legs. Rain descended on top of them, soaking even the inside of their turnout. Buck caged him in, wanting to shield him from the coldness of the rain. His hands fell onto his arms that had grown cold, since Eddie gave Davie his turnout coat. 

Thunder rippled in the sky. Lightning casted down blue light that made shadows dance on Eddie’s face. He knew they should have found themselves going back to base and seeking refuge from the storm, but he found himself unable to move. 

He wondered whether the storm would last long enough to soften their hurried gasps and slow drawn moans. He kissed Eddie slowly once more, before reality trickled back into his mind. Buck was thankful that this moment had progressed the way it did, but he had gotten distracted. He forgot why he had been so upset and subsequently grew impatient, thinking he had lost his opportunity to show Eddie just how much he loved him. 

He had to know, if Eddie was taking so nicely and so beautifully to Buck’s affections why had he allowed himself to almost be taken by the river. Why would he have thought it was okay to push his hand away, when he was trying to save him? 

Those questions made him regretfully pull away, increasing the distance between two of them. 

“Buck,” Eddie softly whispered, eyes widening in confusion. 

“What the fuck where you thinking?” Buck hoarsely rasped as his tongue moved before his brain, still maintaining a level of closeness even in their distance. He kept his hands on Eddie's stomach, resting by his ribs to still feel the way his stomach rose and fell as he breathed. 

“What?” he asked. 

“What on earth were you thinking going into the river, during a storm?” Buck repeated, voice shattering with panic as everything began sinking back into him. Static filled his body and rippled through his nervous system. 

He watched almost in a daze as Eddie turned around and grabbed the teddy bear that he had been searching for. He proudly held it up to him and Buck had never been as angry at an inanimate object as he was in that moment. He had half the mind to throw it back into the river, but then he was worried Eddie would swim after it again. 

“I was saving Mr. Tubbs. He decided to take a late night swim. Poor guy hasn’t had swimming lessons yet. I’ll have to tell Davie about the great adventure Mr. Tubbs had of course leaving out-”

Buck softly held his hand over Eddie’s mouth and then drew it downward, falling to his collarbone. 

“Be quiet, Eddie. Please, give me a second,” Buck choked as his hand went to his chest. His voice trembled over the words, barely able to stutter out the sentence. “Don’t say a word, right now. Fuck, Eddie. Fuck.”

He urged his body to give him some mercy. He could panic later, but not now. Not when Eddie was helplessly looking at him with a deep-seated focus of innocence, not aware that what he did caused Buck to almost shatter into pieces again. 

“You asked me what I was thinking. I was thinking that I wanted to make sure that young girl’s favorite stuffed animal would be safely returned to her,” Eddie explained, shaking the teddy bear in front of him. 

If Eddie put that teddy bear in his face one more time, he was going to snatch it away, throw it in the sky, and hope the storm claimed it. Later, he would tell himself off for the dramatics and then he would apologize for wanting to fight a teddy bear. 

“You can’t do that, Eddie! You can’t just go off doing dangerous rescues for a teddy bear that her parents can buy for her again online,” Buck stated, looking away from the object of his consternation. “You can’t do that type of senseless thing.”

“Why not?” Eddie petulantly questioned, moving his head to the side and widening his eyes. 

“Because I love you! Because I need you here with me!” Buck screamed without any fear or hesitance as to how Eddie would receive this confession. “Do you have any idea how terrified I was, when I waited for you to come back and you weren't a few minutes behind me?” 

Buck paused as he reached out to hold Eddie by his waist. He clenched his jaw, taking in a few resolving breaths before he could soften his tone from the loud panic. 

“I decided to go find you because maybe you got lost on the trail, since it’s so dark out here. I searched for you for what felt like hours. I was about to call Bobby to tell them you had gone missing,” he said, voice cracking on the last word’s second syllable. “It was worse, when my flashlight caught the water and saw someone drowning. Do you know how panicked I felt seeing you drown?”

“You love me?” Eddie questioned. “I thought…there was someone else? You always talked about waiting for someone.”

Someone else? 

How could Eddie think there was any room for his heart beside him?

He had made himself into a home, in hopes that Eddie would always return to him.  

Had he not made that obvious?

Had his plans to wait until he was ready, unfortunately, led Eddie to think that Buck was anything, but his? Thunder boomed loudly in the sky, answering his question. 

Tension bled from his shoulders, even as his mind was warring with thoughts of his hand slipping from Eddie’s in the river. 

“Eddie, I was only ever talking about you. It was always only ever you, no one else,” he said as his hands gathered at either side of his face. Then he pulled them down as he clenched them and unclenched them, trying to get that staticky feeling out of his hands. 

“Oh,” Eddie sighed, mouth falling open in awe. “I love you too.”

The confession came through an exhale, breaking like the sounds of tree branches being stepped on. The staticky feeling petered out, leaving behind a warm tingle. It was uncomfortable, but manageable. He wanted Eddie to say it again, until his voice grew hoarse. He wanted the birds to mimic the confession, singing in that melodic trill that accompanied bright mornings. But they were not there because they were hiding from the storm. 

The storm continued to rage on and the warm tingle in his hands traveled to his lips, exposing the worry he had not given voice to because he was scared of how Eddie might answer. His eyes trailed over his shoulder and caught the river he had just pulled him out of. 

If Buck had not come, would Eddie have given up? 

Why did he push him away?

Did he not want to be saved? 

Did he think he was not worth being saved, after everything that happened? 

Why would he want to leave Christopher?

Why would he want to leave him? 

He turned away from the river and looked back at Eddie, seeing the clear look of understanding flicker in Eddie’s face. 

“Buck. It was an accident. It’s not like I was-” Eddie began to say as ways of explaining. 

“Eddie, stop…stop talking for a second. Please,” Buck hoarsely muttered, not thinking he could handle more of what Eddie might say. “I thought I lost you. You pushed me away, Eddie. You pushed me away and for a second I thought I wasn’t able to save you. My fingers missed yours by a few inches and for a minute there I didn’t think I’d be able to grab ahold of you again. I can’t do this life without you, Eddie. I can’t.”

“You didn’t let me go,” Eddie shivered, shaking his head at Buck. “You didn’t let me go, even when you were running the risk of drowning with me. Do you think that’s smart?”

Buck wanted to echo that question back to him. Had he thought it smart to chase after a teddy bear that could easily be replaced?

His teeth chattered whether from the cool down of panic or the water from the river and sky. 

“I am never letting you go even if you push me. I was not going to let you drown. I would never do that. Never, never,” Buck repeated as he wrapped his arms around Eddie. “We made a deal, remember? You have my back, I have yours. I’m never leaving you. You need to stop thinking I will. ‘Cause you can’t do that to me. My heart can’t take it.” 

He closed the distance that he created as he pulled him more into his chest. 

“Don’t have me go back on our deal,” Buck pleaded, breath fluttering over Eddie’s lips. “It will kill me, if I lose you. Don’t do that to me, Eddie. I can’t…I can’t…Eddie. I can’t….I can’t lose you. I can’t. Don’t force me to get used to not having you. I won’t be able to live that way.”

Warm tingles and static shook him, causing his entire body to tremble. His eyes widened and he felt his eyes rapidly blink, trying to clear his vision from the rain so he could see Eddie fully. He didn’t want him to disappear in front of him. 

Eddie reached out and pulled at the collar of his turnout, breathing slowly in hopes that Buck would mimic his breaths. He followed the instruction, leaning forward so his forehead rested against Eddie’s. As he did so, Eddie moved his hands from his chest and toward his ears. It muffled the sound of the storm happening not only outside, but also in his mind. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“I don’t want you to say sorry. I want you to promise you won’t pull a stunt like that again. Please, for me. For Christopher. You can’t give up,” Buck softly begged, eyes opening again to glance at Eddie. 

“I wasn’t giving up. I had just gotten tired. I promise you Buck. The moment I thought about giving up is when I felt enough strength to continue to fight. Then you saved me again,” Eddie exclaimed as his breaths fell on Buck’s lips. “I promise I wasn’t giving up.”

“I will always save you. Don’t make it a habit of going on dangerous rescues for teddy bears though. Think my blood pressure rose several times, trying to find you,” Buck smiled as he kissed Eddie softly. Then he drew back to say,  “We’ll have to tell the team something though because I don’t think they expected us to be gone this long.”

“Then we should get back,” Eddie whispered, mouthing along the point of Buck’s skin where shoulder met his collarbone. 

“We should,” Buck agreed, turning Eddie’s face toward him and meeting his lips once more. 

Seconds passed. They granted themselves permission to take more time.

Eddie was the first to pull away. Buck grumbled in discontent, having to separate himself from him. Eddie tapped Buck’s side, motioning for him to move. Once Buck sat back on the heels of his boots, Eddie stood up and offered him his hand to take. 

He took his hand and stood up. Then taking the hand not holding onto Eddie, he softly caressed his face. He stared down at him, taking in all the features that were both unfamiliar and familiar to him. 

“Buck,” Eddie exhaled, fingers tightly pulling at the curls laying flat against Buck’s neck. “Buck, we have to go back to the team.”

“I can’t seem to stop,” Buck defended, kissing the corner of Eddie's mouth. 

“We need to, before our team sends out a search and rescue for us. And I still need to give Davie her teddy bear. We can continue later,” Eddie amusingly laughed. 

Buck sighed, throwing his head back, but relented because it was true. They had been gone for a long time and Bobby would send out a rescue team for them, if they were out there a second longer.

“Alright, let’s go.”

Buck slipped his hand into Eddie’s as they ventured back to the team. He ran his thumb along Eddie’s pulse point, all the way up until they stopped at the tent where everyone had gathered. Eddie stepped away from Buck as he went to Davie and her parents. 

Despite all his anger toward the teddy bear, he was happy and relieved to see the child reunited with her favorite stuffed animal. When Eddie walked back to him, he grinned up at him and said that Davie was so happy to have Mr. Tubbs. Buck wasn’t happy with all that it took to retrieve the teddy bear. 

Eddie reached out as if sensing his thoughts. “Hey, I’m okay.”

Buck didn’t have a chance to respond as the rest of their team met them back at the tent. 

Chimney took one look at them and raised an eyebrow, but said nothing more. 

Hen stepped toward them. “You okay? You were gone for a while.”

Buck stared at Eddie, wondering how he would respond. He smiled kindly at him, wanting him to choose however he wanted to go about this. He wasn’t patient, but for Eddie he would try being the epitome of that virtue. 

Eddie drew his eyes away from Buck and said, “Yes, we’re okay.”

They packed up their things as they headed back to their truck.  

Buck discreetly linked their pinkies together as they began walking back. Eddie moved his hand between them, swinging it as they hooked their pinkies together. Warmth saturated his entire body. 

Once they got in their engine, they kept their pinkies interlaced. On the drive back to the station, all of them filled the ride with conversation. Buck tried involving Eddie, but he was resolutely silent. Hen levied him with a concerned stare, but Buck didn’t know how to tell her everything was okay. 

Buck stared at Eddie’s reflection in the window. His mouth was drawn tight and a frown sat heavy on his face. Eddie caught his stare in the window and turned back around, smiling brilliantly at him. 

Buck wasn’t fooled even as Eddie playfully bumped his shoulder into his. 

As they day grew on, Buck became increasingly worried. It was like something had shifted. Eddie was moving as though he had grown detached from himself. 

He checked on him, when the phone call he took lasted longer than twenty minutes. He wanted to wrap his arms around him and shield him from all of the world’s hurt, when Eddie’s shuttered expression fell on him. 

When they went to the bunker and Eddie laid down, he could see that sleep would evade him. Buck sat down by his bunker and held his hand, hoping to provide comfort for a fear that he didn’t know the cause of. He would simply be there for Eddie, in every way he could. 

Bobby came to him later, while they were preparing to leave. “Hey, will you check on Eddie? I know you will, but I want to make sure he has someone to go home to today. I think this shift was hard on him.”

Buck nodded, noticing the same thing Bobby had. He was glad someone besides himself was observing Eddie and knew that Buck was the one who could help him. 

“Of course, Cap.”

“Good,” Bobby smiled, patting him softly on the shoulder. “Get home safely. Enjoy your days off Buck. I’m serious. Actually take some time to rest. Don’t think I didn’t notice how you two were absolutely drenched in water that didn’t happen because of the rain. I don’t need to know what happened. I’m just glad you both are okay. If you aren't, let me know.”

“I will,” Buck promised. 

“Alright, I’ll leave you two be then,” Bobby said, stepping away from him. 

Buck headed into the locker room, stepping behind Eddie and placing a hand on his back. He felt the way Eddie’s body shook. He took in the way he tried to rigidly stand and force himself not to be overcome with the tremors wrecking his body. 

Buck held him firmly at his waist, letting him know he would allow him to stand on his own, but he would also be there in case he fell. 

“Let me drive you home okay,” Buck said, taking the keys from his shaking fingers. 

“But your car…”

“Will be fine. If anything, I can ask Maddie to drive it to her place, when she picks up Chimney. Their other car is in the shop, so they may like borrowing mine.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

The drive to Eddie’s house was spent in silence. In some ways, Eddie tried to make himself small and disappear into the seat of his car. Buck was worried he was trying to escape something in front of him that Buck could not see. 

But then Eddie reached out for his hand and tightly squeezed it. Buck turned to him quickly, then faced the road again. He turned his hand in his and tightly interlaced their fingers together. 

When they got home, Buck mourned the way Eddie’s hand fell out of his as he got out of the car. He hurried to walk after him and open the door, so they could get inside. He wanted to get Eddie warm and fed because he could feel the way coldness seeped into parts of Eddie he wasn’t privy to yet. He started asking Eddie what he wanted for breakfast. 

However, as he made plans to do that Eddie interrupted him by saying, “Do you think you can grab some breakfast from Freddie’s? I’m starving and I haven’t had the chance to go grocery shopping.”

They had gone grocery shopping together three days ago. His pantry was stocked with everything. He didn’t call out Eddie on his lie. If he needed some space to gather himself, he would give him the breadth to do so. He didn’t want to leave him, but he wasn’t going to force Eddie to talk to him when he wasn’t ready. 

He’d allow the mask to slip over Eddie’s face, so he could feel safe. But then he would comfort him, slowly guiding that mask down a few inches because he wanted to remove all of his worries. Unfortunately, he couldn’t do it at the moment when Eddie was one step from breaking, if Buck told him that he would stay. 

He was soothed because Eddie wasn’t pushing him out. Eddie was making sure he knew he wanted him to come back. He just needed some time. 

So he nodded, even though his heart crackled with hurt that he couldn’t immediately do more to help. 

“I’m going to take a shower. Still feel cold and the hot water might help,” Eddie said as he stepped further in the house. “I’ll text you what I want, okay.” 

“Okay,” Buck concernedly said, turning back out the way he came. 

When he got in the car, he turned on his music so it could fill the absence that Eddie left behind. He drove to Freddie’s and quickly ordered their food, once Eddie told him what he wanted. Then he made his way back home. Once inside, he set their food down on the table. He called out Eddie’s name, to let him know he returned. 

However, he didn’t answer. 

Eddie couldn’t have been taking a shower for that long. He always took such quick ones, after a long shift. It had been at least thirty minutes since Buck left to go get breakfast. 

He walked into his bedroom, calling out his name. 

Eddie didn’t respond yet he sound of the shower was still on. 

That raised alarms in Buck’s mind. 

“Okay, I’m coming in. I’ll close my eyes, if you aren’t decent,” he said, turning the door handle and being thankful Eddie hadn’t locked it. 

He stepped into the bathroom, momentarily being almost knocked off his feet from the steam escaping past the door. Choking on the air, he narrowed his eyes to search for Eddie in that heavy mist. 

Instead of holes in walls and frames thrown to the floor in Eddie’s bedroom, there were clothes scattered on the tile floor and jars that were cracked open like Eddie had changed his mind mid-way through grabbing something. Then his eyes fell to a stack of letters thrown carelessly on the counter, as though he either didn’t care or was frustratingly flustered by its contents. 

There were some letters amongst the stack that were open, revealing words spoken like confessions and unfulfilled promises. His jaw tightened as he caught words that should have never been written. 

He yearned to reach out and read every word printed on that paper. He wanted to rip it apart and shred it, soak its torn remains in gasoline and take fire to it. But then anger dissolved from him as slowly as the steam made its escape from the bathroom. His eyes caught his reflection and he remembered who he had come searching for. 

He walked toward the shower, heart in his chest as he thought of Eddie sitting in there as the hot water beat his body. It was a sweltering heat and Buck had only been in there for a few seconds, but he was feeling its debilitating effects. 

He began to open the shower door, when he heard Eddie’s voice crack to life. 

“I can’t move until I’m clean, Buck. I need to make sure everything is clean. I needed a longer shower. It may take awhile for the water to become hot again.”

“Eddie,” he forlornly whispered as he started to open the door. He was shocked, when Eddie scrambled up to grab the handle and force it in the other direction, keeping him caged in. 

“Stop, I’m not done cleaning,” he frantically voiced. 

Buck pulled a little harder which allowed him to ease the shower door open. He hissed through his teeth as he saw Eddie’s inflamed skin. He couldn’t school his expression quick enough in order for Eddie not to feel cornered. Eddie took his surprise to his advantage, closing the door and scrubbing away at his arms. 

Distracted by washing himself, Eddie wasn’t able to grab the door handle fast enough to stop Buck from prying it back open again. 

Repeatedly, he told Buck, "Give me a few more minutes and I'll be done."

“Eddie, that’s enough,” Buck tried to cajole him into stopping as he knelt down to become eye level with him.  

He leaned forward, enough to block the steady stream of scalding hot water falling onto Eddie’s body. 

“You’re going to get wet,” Eddie sighed, as he continued to scrub his arms. 

“I’m not worried about that right now. Come here, let's get you dried off,” Buck kindly offered, as he held out his hands from him to take. 

“No, I need to get clean,” Eddie snapped, pushing him away. 

Shocked by the action, Buck fell back onto the floor. He hurried to crawl back to the shower, after Eddie closed the door again. He opened it and gently grabbed Eddie’s arms, ignoring his protests of being unclean and needing more time in the shower. 

“Eddie, your skin is turning red. I’m just going to shut this off. Fuck, that’s hot. How are you sitting there?” he questioned, while grabbing the towel he had hanging on his towel rack. 

He shut the water off, reprimanding himself for not thinking of that first. Slowly, he guided the body scrubber out of Eddie’s hand and stood to set it on the shower rack. Leaning back down, he wrapped the towel around Eddie’s trembling body. He tried to be careful, as the towel rubbed against his sensitive skin. He knew Eddie wouldn’t say it hurt, but he knew a brush of wind would cause his skin to hurt. 

His eyes fell to skin that was beginning to redden with bruises. Tears swam into his eyes, but he resolved not to cry at that moment. He had to take care of Eddie. 

“I wasn’t clean yet, Buck. I’m not done yet. Buck stop. I’m not done cleaning myself,” he continued to wail against his chest, as Buck pulled him close. 

Buck tightened his arms around him, as if stopping himself from rushing back into that shower. He wanted to know why he was doing this. Why was he punishing himself and inflicting this pain onto his body? 

Was it the letters? 

Was it seeing Samuel today?

Was it the accumulation of everything he never dealt with being brought forth to the surface in this raging storm? 

Eddie tried getting back into the shower, but was pulled up against Buck’s chest. He moved them further away from the shower and into a standing position, so that his back was pressed up against the bathroom counter. 

“Stop, Eddie,” Buck cried out, holding his hands against his chest. “Stop fighting against me. Please, Eddie. Please. You're not cleaning yourself anymore. You're hurting yourself. Baby, look at how red your skin has gotten." 

He softly touched his arm, face falling as Eddie let out a hiss of pain. Large gasps of pain, shifted into sobs. Buck wanted to search within himself and remove everything that was good, so he could give it to Eddie and soothe this growing agony he was experiencing. 

“I’m not clean yet, Buck. Just give me five more minutes and you can have a shower, okay? Five minutes. I need to get clean. I need to wash everything off,” he despondently wailed, shaking his head and scratching at his arms. 

“Eddie, you’re clean.  Every part of you is glistening,” Buck brokenly confessed as he reached to pull his arms away from where they were making more red imprints glow on his skin “What’s happening in that mind of yours Eddie? You’ve been lightyears away the last few hours of our shift. I thought you were fine, after the morning. There’s something else going on, isn't there?”

He wanted Eddie to tell him. 

In many ways, Buck always sought to find him. 

But this time, he wanted Eddie to seek him out. He wanted Eddie to reach out and claim him as the one who would pull him out of the river and guide him back home. He had helped bring him home, so he needed Eddie to trust him to do the same for him one more time. 

“It’s fine. It’ll be okay. I just need to get clean,” he said, smiling like that would solve everything wrong in the world. 

“You’ve washed your whole body, there’s nothing else to clean,” Buck soothed as he grabbed another towel to dry Eddie’s face. His heart clenched in his chest and acid built on its tongue as he saw his eyes glaze over. “Eddie, don't shut down on me, now. Don’t shut me out. Talk to me, please. Tell me what's going through your head.”

Eddie bit his lip, staring down at the floor that had become wet from their brief tug-of-war with the shower door. “It’s okay, isn't it?”

“What’s okay?” Buck gently questioned.  

His hands tightly grabbed onto Buck’s shoulder. He pressed into the meat of his flesh, as though he was scared a softer touch would have him running away. Why would Eddie ever think he would want to leave him? 

He stared unflinchingly at him as Eddie’s words tumbled out of his mouth. 

“You’d tell me right that it was okay, Buck. Please. You understand, right? Parents make mistakes. I make mistakes. It…all of it was alright. Tell me what they said was okay,” he earnestly pleaded. “Tell me I was an awful son. Tell me what Samuel said was okay. Tell me that everything I am is wrong, please Buck. Please tell me."

Buck had experienced many heartbreaks in his lifetime, but none of them were comparable to the way his heart was shattering in that instance. Tears that had been held back, started to land onto his eyelashes. He mournfully shook his head at Eddie’s pleas. 

Those words would never fall from his mouth. That would be a betrayal of him and Eddie. 

“Eddie. I’m not telling you any of that because it’s not true,” Buck tearfully stated. “None of that is true. None of it was okay. Hey, hey. Eddie...baby look at me. I'm telling you it's not true. Believe me.”

Eddie’s face had fallen down to his chest, making his chin kiss his collarbone. Buck ducked his head down, lowering his eyes to meet Eddie’s. Trying to evade his focus, Eddie turned his face away. But Buck was undettered. He grabbed a hold of his chin, gently coaxing him to match his stare. Soulful brown eyes dimmed, shuttering from exhaustion and agony. 

"Eddie, none of the words they wanted to brand you with are true. You're not bad. You're not an awful son. You are a great father. Remember we talked about this that night. Eddie there is not a single part of you that is a bad father."

Eddie shook his head and stepped away from him. 

"No, no. That's not...that's not what you have to say. You're saying it all wrong," he hoarsely laughed, the sound echoing like splintered glass thrown against the floor. 

The tears on Buck's eyelashes fell down his cheeks, finally having the permission to land. More tears received the notification and earnestly continued on the path set before them. 

"Eddie, I'm saying the only things that are true. You are good," he promised. 

"No, that's not," Eddie pulled at his hair frantically. "That's not..."

"Eddie," Buck sniffed, hiccupping on the sobs in his chest as he tried to stop Eddie from pulling at his hair. "Eddie-"

“You need to tell me it’s okay. Then I can’t question if I have the ability to not be broken. I keep thinking I can fix things and that I can be good. I try to be so good,” Eddie shakily informed him, reaching out to grab Buck’s arm. “Maybe that’s not who I am. Maybe I never had the ability to be good,” Eddie smiled, saltiness resting on his tongue as tears fell down his cheek. 

“You are. You are good,” he assured him, speaking against every word that the others had used to demean and hurt Eddie with. “They're not good. They are the ones who are awful. Not you. They're painting you into someone you're not. I'm not going to allow them to keep feeding you lies about yourself. It pains me that you've carried all of this for so long. They keep tearing you apart and I won't stand to let them keep doing it. I won't let their words hurt you, Eddie."

He stepped closer to Eddie, but he moved away holding his hands up. Eddie moved his head to the side like his mind was weighed down and his neck couldn’t hold itself up anymore. 

“I’m ruining you right now. I’m wrong. Everything about me is wrong. And I can’t stop it. I can’t make it stop. I’m making you cry. You should never have to cry.”

“No, hey. Don't think that. No, none of that is true,” he consoled him, pausing briefly to step closer and erase the bit of distance Eddie created. “I’m crying because my heart hurts for you. It aches me to my deepest core that they made you believe you aren't good. It makes me physically sick that anyone could look at you and say you aren't a good man, that you aren't a good son, or you aren't a good dad. Those are lies. None of that was okay. Not a single word and not a single action was okay.”

He needed Eddie to believe him and trust his word above theirs. 

He hated them with every fiber of his being, for being the reason for Eddie’s suffering. He couldn’t fathom how they deigned to use the gift of language and sully it with their vindictive words. 

Eddie's lips caught on a cry, stifled by the thought he couldn’t show more of himself to Buck. However, Buck wanted everything. He wanted the cries. He wanted the screams and frustrations of anger. 

But more than anything, he wanted to hold him through it all. 

He moved his thumb over the apples of his cheeks in a soft caress. “Eddie, you are so wonderfully good, kind, and loving. There is not a single part of you that is bad. Your parents and Samuel were wrong to ever make you take their words as the honest truth.”

Eddie stared at him, mouth parted on an exhalation even though he never breathed out. It was like he was holding his breath, waiting for the moment Buck said it was safe enough for him to exhale and let everything go. 

“Why do you want me to tell you they’re right? Why do you want me to tell you everything that you are is wrong?” 

“Because if none of what they did….if none of what they said was okay,” Eddie broke off, breath catching on harsh cries. “I have to admit that maybe they were — Buck I can’t admit that about my parents. I can’t put that title on them. They’re…they’re mine. They are all I have as parents. I can’t…Buck I can’t…” he stuttered, tears falling as his hands fell to his chest. 

Buck stood unmoving as he waited for him to continue. 

“And I never saw Samuel as a bad person. I forgave him for all the ways he hurt me and I set that hurt in a box in my mind never to be opened again. I didn’t want to taint what I thought was good,” Eddie wept.

“Eddie,” Buck comforted, running his hands up and down his arms. 

“I loved him. I loved him so much, but it hurts every time I think about what he said to me. But I said it’s okay…because I loved him. And he said he cared about me, so there has to be some truth in his words. You wouldn’t lie to someone you care about. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

“No, it wasn’t, Eddie. None of what he said or wrote was okay. It was malicious. It was dishonest. It was spiteful. The only reason he said those things to you is because he knew at his heart that those words ever only belonged to him...not you. Those were his words to bear and feel burdened by. They were never yours,” Buck said motioning to the letters.   

Eddie sniffed, rubbing his hand under his nose. “It’s too hard to begin to push against everything that they said. It’s too hard, Buck.”

Buck pulled him into his arms, hands outstretched behind his back. Eddie curled into him, resting his cheek on his chest. He ran his hands up and down his back, urging the shivers in Eddie’s body to grow still. 

“Then today, let’s start with something small. Let’s start with saying it wasn’t okay,” he whispered into his ear, clinging onto him tighter. “What they did to you, how they made you feel, the expectations and the disappointments laid out before you…it wasn’t okay. Tell me that it wasn’t okay. Tell yourself that none of it was okay.”

“It wasn’t okay?” Eddie softly whimpered. “It wasn’t okay? It wasn’t okay, was it Buck?”

“No, it wasn’t, Eddie,” Buck broke with the confirmation that Eddie might have finally begun to believe none of what they said was true. 

“I didn’t ruin him. I didn’t ruin Shannon. It wasn’t okay for him to say those things. It wasn’t okay for my parents to tell me I'm not a good dad. It wasn’t okay, right Buck?” Eddie pulled away, eyes going straight to Buck’s face. 

Buck loosened his hold on Eddie to wipe away his tears. He stared at him and shook his head saying, “No, Eddie, it wasn't okay.”

“It wasn’t okay,” Eddie rasped, hands tightening into Buck’s sweatshirt. “It wasn’t okay. It wasn't okay. It wasn't okay.”

Eddie repeated the sentence into his chest while he continued to run his fingers through his damp hair. He swayed them back and forth, until Eddie’s words petered out and only silence remained. He stepped away only for a second to hand Eddie a pair of boxers that he could change into, since the towel wasn’t doing much to keep him warm. 

“Come here,” Buck said, holding his hand out for Eddie to take and wanting them to leave the bathroom. 

He walked them to the kitchen, past the bag of Freddie’s that was sitting on the kitchen table waiting to be eaten. It would have grown cold by now, but Buck couldn’t find it in himself to care. He had other priorities to attend to. 

He guided Eddie to the kitchen counter and hoisted him up to sit on it. Once he was satisfied that Eddie wouldn’t move, he started searching for the tube of aloe gel he knew Eddie always kept stocked. 

He unscrewed the bottle cap and was about to rub some into parts of Eddie’s skin that were red, but Eddie held up his hand and stopped him. 

“I can do it,” he said, holding his hand out for aloe gel. 

Buck smiled at him. “I know you can, but let me take care of you. Let me do this for you.”

He began applying the gel to soothe Eddie’s reddened skin. Buck massaged into the sensitive areas. He noted how the area above Eddie’s heart was more red to the point it would surely bruise tomorrow. 

He told him that they would have to apply more later and made Eddie promise him to let him know if at any time something hurt. Buck grabbed his right leg, smoothing the aloe gel down his calf and then up his thigh. Buck set the right leg down and grabbed his left leg, doing the same thing over again. 

“I’m sorry,” Eddie apologized. “For you having to see me like this, again.”

“It’s okay. You were hurting. I’m here though. I’ll always be here. Good days, bad days, and all the ones in between. I want to be here with you through them all,” Buck honestly confessed. 

“I know I don’t have the right, but I’d like to be with you. You said you loved me and if that’s…if you meant it-” he shyly mumbled as he stared down at his hands. 

“I do,” Buck quickly said, wanting to make sure he didn’t give Eddie the opportunity to doubt his love for him. “I love you and I want to spend every day loving you.”

Eddie grabbed the aloe gel bottle from Buck’s hands and set it aside on the counter by him. He pulled Buck in by his waist, legs accommodating to fit the width of his body. Buck’s hands fell to his thighs, taking in the gentle strength of them. 

He wondered how they would feel wrapped around his waist and pulling him in closer. The thoughts flew away from him as he decided there would be many other times to ponder that question, but now wasn’t the time. 

“All through this you have been helpful. It's wrong to ask you to wait longer, but can you be patient and wait for me to be good enough to love you in all the ways you deserve. I want to make sure I don’t accidentally ruin you,” he timidly voiced. 

Buck frowned at that, hands going out to hold Eddie’s face. “You could never ruin me.”

“Never say never,” Eddie mirthlessly replied. 

Buck shook his head. “I’m serious. There’s no way in which you could ever ruin me. I’m better in every way because of you. Now if you want to wait because you want to take your time, that’s fine. I’ll wait for you. But don’t think you have to move slowly in fear of ruining me. Remember, those words weren't okay. You don't have to live by them, thinking you ruin people. Don’t pull back because of that.”

“I want to make sure I’m perfect for you. You deserve that,” Eddie sighed. 

"All I need for you is to be human, having flaws and all. I’m a fallible creature as well. We’re both going to make mistakes. If we wait around for perfection, we won’t be able to be us,” Buck calmly said. “We exist within this world to be humans who aren’t perfect, but can love perfectly. Any way in which I’m loved by you is perfect, even if we make mistakes along the way.”

Eddie smiled, knocking his head against Buck’s. “You’re right.”

“I’ll need you to repeat that, when I can record you saying it. Might make it my new voicemail,” Buck laughed, smirking into the kiss as he leaned forward and captured Eddie’s lips between his own. 

Eddie laughed as well, missing his mouth by a few centimeters. He caught the corner of his mouth and pressed a soft and lingering kiss there. Eddie pulled back, running his hands through Buck’s curls. 

Buck closed his eyes at the gentle caresses. His eyes opened, never ready to waste a second where he’s not looking at Eddie. He leaned forward, breath ghosting over his cheek. 

“Plus I waited around months for someone who never loved me back. I’ll wait an entire lifetime and then some for you,” Buck whispered against his lips.

“It won’t take a lifetime,” Eddie laughed, kissing him softly. 

“I know, but I would still wait that long even if it did,” Buck promised. 

He would wait however long it took for Eddie to be ready. 

But he was thankful, it was this moment they had both chosen to be ready together. 

Eddie wrapped his arms around his back, hooking his chin over his shoulder. “I don’t want to love you in secret, Buck. And I don’t want to be loved in secret either. When we do this, I want to love you proudly and publicly. I want to love you and be loved by you with every inch of our hearts.”

Buck rubbed his hand along Eddie’s back, humming in agreement. “Me too. I want to share the love I have for you with everyone. I'm finally able to love you in all the ways I've ever hoped for and more. Have so many years to catch up on, when I wasn’t able to show you how much I loved you.”

Eddie pulled back, hands still resting on Buck’s shoulders. “Years?”

Buck felt his cheeks grow warm as Eddie pulled his chin up, after he shyly ducked his head down. Eddie smiled, lifting his chin up. 

“It’s been years for me too,” Eddie confessed. 

“One day we’ll sit down and talk about it, yeah? When I don’t think you’re five seconds from falling asleep on the counter,” Buck teased, placing his arms around his waist. 

Eddie was about to say something, but he loudly yawned. Buck stifled a laugh and stepped out from between Eddie’s legs. 

“Later then? After some food and sleep?” Eddie asked. 

“Yes, but not too late. I need a detailed breakdown of when you caught feelings for me. I’m guessing, when you looked over and saw how good my arms looked, when we were helping uproot that tree. Because I did catch a brief glance there. Probably, that was the moment it was inevitable. You were falling for me and my arms,” Buck smirked as he flexed his arms. 

“Keep guessing,” Eddie laughed, but stretched out to squeeze his arms. 

Eddie jumped off the counter and began to open the boxes from Freddie’s.

“Oh, or was it earlier? Aww, Eddie. Was it love at first sight?” Buck teasingly asked, moving around the kitchen to grab silverware. “No, it couldn’t have been the first day we met. Come on, Eddie. Give me a hint. When did you first catch feelings?”

He wanted to know so badly, when Eddie first caught feelings for him. How long had they been spinning around each other, without colliding? 

“Eat,” Eddie laughed, stuffing some French toast in Buck’s open mouth. 

Buck bit at the toast that had long since grown cold.

“Rude. I’ll figure it out, before you tell me. I’m sure. Though you’ll never be able to guess, when I first caught feelings for you. I’m sure of that.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow. “I’m sure I can get a few good guesses in. Want to see who can get the closest? Winner picks the first date.”

Buck sat down at the kitchen table and smiled slowly at him. “Proper motivation for me because I’ve been thinking about where I’d take you out on a date for awhile.” 

Eddie smiled and leaned forward to kiss him. The taste of cinnamon was transferred onto Eddie’s lips and back into Buck’s mouth. Eddie pulled back with the promise of something more brightening his features. 

Once the two finished their breakfast, Eddie pulled him into his room. Buck figured he wanted him to say goodnight and get him situated for bed, before he went back out to the couch to sleep. However, Eddie caught his hand the moment he turned around to leave. 

“Stay.”

The gentle command was spoken softly, but with firm intent. Buck obeyed the command and slipped into bed beside Eddie. He brought the covers up over them and turned to face him. 

“Hey,” Eddie whispered. 

“Hey,” Buck whispered in return. His eyes slipped close as Eddie’s gentle touch wove between his hair. 

“I love you.”

What a wonder it was to be able to hear spoken, what Buck had only ever given himself permission to dream about. He moved closer and pressed a kiss on his forehead. 

“I love you too.”

Eddie curled up against Buck’s body and sleep easily came upon the two of them. They were only woken up by the sound of a phone ringing. Buck was the first to hear it reaching out to see who was calling them. Eddie tightened his hold on his shirt, as he tried moving away. 

“I’ll be back, promise. Your phone’s ringing,” he explained, wanting Eddie to stay comfortable in bed. “Just reaching over to grab it.”

His eyes adjusted to the brightness of the screen. Once seeing it was Christopher, he sat up further against the headboard. 

 It’s Christopher,” he told Eddie, holding out the phone. 

“Mhm, you can answer,” Eddie sleepily murmured.

Buck felt his heart settle in his chest again at the feeling of home Eddie consistently remind him of in moments like these. Christopher had only just started to talk to both of them on the phone, but here Eddie was giving him the chance to answer first. It wasn’t saying that he didn’t want to answer or that he was more important to Christopher. 

Instead it was him telling Buck that he felt safe knowing Buck would answer Christopher and give him the same love and care that Eddie fully gave to his son. He pressed answer and held his phone up to his ear. 

“Hey, Christopher.”

“Buck? You must be near dad. Likely place for you to be. Anyway, I can’t be here anymore. Truly, Buck. I cannot stand to stay another second in El Paso. It’s hot. It’s humid. It’s dusty. There’s nothing fun to do here anymore which okay don’t tell the El Paso people or anyone. Their city is okay,” he rambled. 

“Whoa slow down a bit for me. Your sentences are slurring together. Breathe. Now start from the beginning. I’m not going anywhere. Just take your time.”

He looked over to see that Eddie had sat up, in order to see if something was wrong. 

“Buck, I’m ready to come home. Seriously, I want the earliest flight out of here,” Christopher noted. “My grandparents are great, but they’re becoming a bit too much. They talk about school like I’ll be here, during the school year. But I won’t. You and dad know that right? Because they make it seem like you don’t…like that isn’t a part of your plan. But I know dad. Dad wouldn’t want that. Dad always says how much he wants me home. And I’m ready to come home.”

Many emotions flickered through him as he listened to Christopher, but the one he settled on was happiness. 

“Okay, we’ll make it happen. But first, I think your dad would really love to hear that from you first and not me.”

Buck handed the phone back to Eddie, pressing it into his trembling hands and holding it to his face when Eddie couldn’t firmly hold it himself. His fingers ghosted across Eddie’s cheeks as he took the call. 

“Hey, mijo,” Eddie whispered. “It’s good to hear from you.”

There was a moment’s pause, before Eddie’s eyes turned to meet him in fear and confusion. 

“Oh, Christopher. What’s wrong? Tell me what’s wrong. I’m here. I’m right here,” Eddie soothed. 

Buck watched the exact moment Christopher told Eddie that he wanted to come home. His eyes filled with tears and his expression opened up to receive all the light cascading into the room from the silvery moonlit sky. He held his hand as Eddie’s slipped into his, while he continued talking to Christopher. 

His eyes fell closed as Eddie’s voice filled the room. A smile worked its way onto his face as peace entered his body. He told himself to be patient and not book a flight that exact moment to El Paso, even though he couldn’t wait to reunite Eddie with his son and see Christopher again. 

There was a reason that when someone asked if Buck was a patient man, his immediate response would be to say, “No, I am not the world’s most patient man.”

But then he would carefully reconsider the question, as he thought back to this day. 

Because he had grown quite good at waiting for the ones he loved to come home to him.