Chapter Text
As everyone rejoins the table, Bill makes himself comfy in his own spot. He twists to see Hook waiting impatiently for him to move over and make room.
Bills eye widens and he raises a finger, "Gotcha, sorry! I can take a hint."
He points that finger at his metal hook. Both of them tremble as Bill narrows his eye in focus.
He jerks it up, and Hook goes flying into the ceiling. Nobody glances up even as bits of plaster drizzle down on them. They hear his whimpering from up above and assume he's hugging the remaining chandelier.
"Since when could you control metal?" Ursula asks.
"I 'unno. Wow, this is it??" He gestures to the rest of the vacant room, "Fifty something movies and this is all you're gonna unite to go against Mr. Hero of Light or whatever?? Not even ol’ Scarface himself is here! As much of a drama king as he is ya gotta give him credit, unlike most of you bozos he ACTUALLY got away with it! Ya know, until his own henchmaniacs slurped him up like chicken noodle soup."
He gestures to another side of the room. "And what about that Frollo, huh?? That guy's hilarious with the hellfire stuff! Ah, he’s prob simping over that chick with the goat. He burned down a city because he got rejected, talk about relatable! I don't blame him at all, have you guys seen that goat? Talk about WOOF. Oops! I mean-" He bleats like a goat. "Yo Urs, remember that Doctor Facilier guy? He’s got that whole partnership going on with all those shadow demons! He woulda been a great pick too! It’s too bad that an actual frog sent him to hell. Yeesh, and why wouldn't you even invite King Magnifico?? HE…"
He pauses and thinks for a bit. Bill cringes, wincing to himself, "…On second thought, I get why you didn’t invite him."
“We have exactly who we need to be here, Bill.” Maleficent says curtly.
“Or at least we did 10 minutes ago.” Hades mumbles.
“Losersayswhat.”
Hades rolls his eyes at Bill. “Oh PLEASE, that is the oldest trick in the book, you think I wouldn’t catch that?”
“Wouldn’t know, considering death still hasn’t caught me!”
“YOU INSUFFERABLE-” Hades swipes at Bill, only for him to float away giggling like it’s a game of tag.
Maleficent cuts the squabble short as she slams her staff into the ground and hisses at them. “AS I WAS SAYING, we have EXACTLY who we need, save for one guest who is on his way! Until he arrives this will be a DIGNIFIED and ORDERLY MEETING. SO DO NOT TAX ME, CIPHER."
"You can tax me." Bill whispers. His eye jerks in Oogie's direction who is nervously tapping him.
"Bill, don't be such a lech, or she might have our hides too!"
"Pot, meet kettle. Also: talk about sexy."
“Lay off the hormones, schmoopsie." Ursula lightly scolds, "Our new addition is on the younger side and won't be easy to play like a fiddle if he's TOO freaked out.”
“Younger? Who...” Bills eye flickers through images of various Disney villains as he ponders who it could be.
Clayton, Shan Yu, Mother Gothel, Ratigan, Madam Mim, the gun that killed Bambi’s mom, The Horned King, modern day Bill Sikes, Syndrome, Gene, Hopper, Lotso Hugging Bear, Sid Phillips -
“Oh! I get it! You guys invited the ugly looking brat that likes to switch the heads of toys and blow them up. What a riot, I’ve been dying to see what his mindscape looks like!”
"No, Bill." Maleficent huffs, "We wouldn't summon some plain delinquent destined to work in waste! This one's a young boy I especially picked, a force against rules with white hair that can harness dark magic."
Instead of being impressed, Bills reaction is the opposite. His body gradually turns red from top to bottom as his eye shakes in fury.
“…GIDEON...GLEEFUL?!? YOU FORMALLY INVITED GIDEON, BUT NOT MEEEE??? THAT BRAT IS SEASON 1 VILLIANY, THE WARM UP TO THE SERIES ANTAGONIST, YOURS TRULY!!"
Hissing in fury, he floats in front of the door, shaking his fists. "Ohhh when he gets in here, I’m gonna make him dance SO HARD he’ll be DABBING FOR MERCY.”
As if on cue, there's a creaking as the door slowly opens. Bill gets his flaming fists out and snickers at the onslaught of pain he's going to send that brats way.
Once the door is fully open his fire goes out like a candle. He has to look up from a pair of ginormous shoes as this boy is much older than Gideon, taller too and sporting shades of yellow and blue. He's got white chopped hair barely going down to his chin and green eyes that widen a fraction at the sight of Bill.
"...HHHHi?"
All Bill can do is start laughing, which causes anime boy to frown. “And which movie are you the leading villain for??”
“...Movie?”
“Just ignore him, snowflake!" Hades calls out, "He’s always saying random shit.”
"Relax, Riku. I know exactly who you are! Guess your destiny was never meant to stay on those busted up islands, huh?"
Riku jolts in place. "How did you-?"
The boy flinches as Bill pops up on his shoulder. “Welcome aboard the villian train, kid!”
Narrowing his eye, he steps back out of Bill's hold. “I'm not a kid!”
“Yeesh, don’t take it personally bucko, some of my worst enemies are kids.”
“Yeah??" He raises his fists and puffs out his chest, "Bet none of them were strong enough to take in darkness!”
“Well, Shooting Star could’ve been a potential agent of chaos if it weren’t for stupid sibling relationships. SPEAKING OF HER!"
In a poof Bill vanishes and reappears next to Maleficent, who looks exhausted by this point. "Mal. Baby. Honey. You’re still looking for those Princesses of Heart, right? I think I know one personally!”
“Why Bill." She gives him an empty smile and talks sweetly, "Was that the reason for your appearance? Because I’m sorry to inform you, but we’ve already filled the quota!”
“Right, with the red head girl who showed up on Destiny Islands front step, right? Telling you up front Mal, picking up her body is gonna be a waste of time!”
“…are you talking about Kairi?”
Maleficent freezes. She glances down to see Riku has moved closer, staring up with wide eyes. When she sees Bill turning to face him, she shakes her head at him but he continues.
“Sure am! See, Mal here is helping ya find the rest of your little afterschool beach club squad! Unfortunately kid, she’s just doing it cause lil Red is another princess of heart, and to exploit all that potential darkness ya got there kid."
“CIPHER.” She half-whispers.
“Whhhhaaat? It’s like I said, she’s gonna be a dud!"
"YYYYYOU...!" She has to bite her lip as fire begins to flicker across her form. Bill feigns a 'nervous chuckle.'
"Wow hehe ya looked really mad for a second. Like, if ya wanted to let out steam, let some wings out while you're at it, hey, ya know, girl's gotta do what she gotta do-"
"Maleficent!" Riku shoves Bill to the side, looking up at her with hurt, "He...he's lying!...Right?"
With a snap of his fingers, Bill has Riku switch places so he is back in Maleficent's face. "I’m telling ya, it won’t work if you use her! Let’s just say her hearts taken a leave of absence, it ain't even in her own body!"
“Then where does her heart reside?" Jafar asks snootily, "Sharing property with some other body??”
A buzzing noise comes from Bills bowtie as it vibrates, and he himself goes: “Ding ding ding ding!”
“Ok now THAT sounds convoluted, don'tcha think!!” Oogie exclaims.
In response, Bill gives a slow sarcastic clap. “WELCOME TO KINGDOM HEARTS. And with that said, my true purpose for showing up wasn’t just to offer my girly protag to be one of your princesses of heart, but to share some other insight and words of wisdom!"
"Oh, WORDS OF WISDOM FROM BIIIIILL FREAKIN CIPHER." Hades groans, "THIS OUTTA BE GOOD. And how useful is this gonna be, what is it that you need to tell us??"
"That ya don’t need to go after pineapple hair!"
Everyone else is stunned into silence, staring at Bill like he's more nuts than usual. They don't even register the chandelier crashing down, having finally been unable to withstand Hook's weight. He groans in pain from his landing, but everyone is still fixated on Bill's insane rambling.
"Yeah, that whole one and only keyblade bearer thing??…It’s a sham! A complete lie. Sure, maybe in some other time being a keyblade bearer meant being the one and only…but it ain’t. Truth is anyone could do it, with a snap of the wrist."
Bill then points at Maleficent. " And she should know! She’s met a few of them a decade ago!"
Her guard is up as several heads swerve to her, Jafar yelling, “You WHAT?! You mean there’s been other keyblade bearers we could have used in the last TEN YEARS?”
“Nnnot exactly!" Bill placates and begins counting his fingers. "One's swimming in darkness, one’s taking a nap, and the third one…well I’ll say that body possession is a real piece of work! Am I right?? HEYOOO.”
Ursula raises all eight tentacles, and Bill grows an extra six arms to high five her back. Before he can give five Maleficent latches onto his hand and pulls him back to her, body aflame once again.
"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU INSULTING ME AND MY LEGACY!!!"
Her anger is only fueled when he swings from her grip innocently, blushing. "Oh my oh my. Sure hope you don't insult me back! Maybe even step on me with a dragon foot, spit some fire in my eye-"
By now actual fire is spitting from her mouth. "I'LL BE DOING ALL THOSE THINGS SOON IF YOU DONT FINISH YOUR DRIVEL AND BE DONE WITH IT!"
"Ooh, more incentive for me to wrap things up!" He squeals as he slips out of her grip. “The point I’m making is anyone capable enough can just whip out their own keyblade like they’re going to unlock their car."
“Ok we get it!!” Now it’s Hades who hovers over Bill threateningly, fire shooting off of him (Bill is considerably less turned on by this) "You were born with an eye smack dab in the middle of your stupid face! So unlike the rest of flatland you can just SeE eVeRyThInG, right?? ENOUGH WITH THE SLOGAN. I'M TOO FAMILIAR WITH IT BY NOW, YOU WRETCHED PIECE OF USED TOOTHPICK!! It's a front to spew SHIT you think sounds WISE. So just QUIT WITH THE BULL-"
A car horn from outside suddenly goes off causing everyone to cover their ears. Bill grumbles and begins fishing around a pocket that's part of his body.
"Bah! Every time I step outta the fearamid. Ah, here it is-“
What he pulls out next causes simultaneous reactions. People standing up and their seats falling back. Screams and hands on heads in disbelief. In Hooks' case, he fainted. In Oogies' case, he vomited piles of bugs, which caused him to go into shock (it's the equivalent of losing gallons of blood) Riku slowly falls to his knees and crashes onto his side in disbelief.
Regardless, Bill Cipher is wielding his very own keyblade, decked out in triangle designs, blue plastic fire, a bow tie, and deer teeth.
He clicks something on the keyblade and the horn goes silent. “S’all good! Now, where were we?...Oh! Back to proving my point-“
A finger is in his face as Hades shrieks with absolute rage. “WHAAAAAAAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!”
Bill raises a brow, then his pupil drifts down to the humongous keyblade in his hand and he gives a fake gasp. "OHHHHH This old thiiiing? I thought you’d never ask!”
”WHY WOULDNT WE ASK?!”
"Snap of the wrist...snap of the wrist..." Riku barely mutters under his breath as the villains start to crowd Bill, enraged.
Jafar slams his staff down, hissing through his teeth. "EXPLAIN HOW YOU MANAGED TO OBTAIN EVEN MORE POWER?!"
"Like I said, just a snap in the wrist! Also, I may have also followed Fake News Ansem around his lab and poked him in the eye a buncha times. See, apparently if you keep uncomfortably touching someone after a while-"
"ENOUGH!!!" With a clap of her hands, Maleficent's body has turned into inky shadows that stretch to the ceiling and begin changing into a form that's got Bill quaking underneath his top hat. As her body changes everyone can make out wings and a tail growing. "I'VE HAD IT WITH YOUR PRATTLING, CIPHER!! NOW IS THE TIME YOU HAND OVER THAT KEYBLADE BEFORE I EDUCATE YOU ON THE WAYS OF TRUE DARKNESS!!"
"YESSSSSS, EDUCATE ME, PLEASE!!!!" Bill cheers as he opens his arms and accepts his destiny, "I'M RRRRREADY FOR THE REPRIMANDING!!!"
Before chaos of any sort can take place though, a wall of blue fire shoots up in front of Maleficent, shocking her back into her human form. She turns to stare at Hades, insulted, as he loses it big time.
"NOOOO!! WILL YOU STOP IT, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS!!! In case none of ya have noticed, HE'S A F R E A K !!!"
"HEY!!!" Bill cried, waving his keyblade, "Unless you intend to lend her a yardstick to slap me with, STAY OUTTA THIS!!"
"ANSEM THIS, POKING THAT, DRAGON TEACHER KINK THIS-" Hades is so done he's gesturing his hands all over the place. "QUIT WITH THE SHTICK, YOU AINT RECITING SOME INFINITE WISDOM, YOURE JUST PULLING ALL THIS OUTTA YOUR TRIANGULAR ASS!!"
"Uh, ew? Like, somebody call HR."
"YOU'RE WORSE THAN THE USUAL GOLDEN BOY I GOTTA DEAL WITH. AS ANNOYING AS HE IS, THE TWERPS' AT LEAST A HUMBLE LITTLE DO GOODER WITH IMPOSTER SYNDROME! BUT YOUUUU!!? I AM DONE WITH STAR CHILD OVER HERE GETTING EVERYTHING HE WANTS!!”
Bill begins to laugh and point like Hades shared a good joke. “Uh, I’m Bill Cipher?? I always get what I want, ahahah!”
As Bill continues to laugh, Hades suddenly stops fuming. His flames come down, and a knowing smile forms.
“Not everything. Or rather…everyone.”
This gets Bill to shut up, which stuns everyone else into dead silence. Bill narrows an eye at Hades as if daring him to go on. Hades takes that delicious bait.
“You all wanna know this guys' story? It’s the REAL pinnacle of hilarious origin stories!! I call it...the loser who blew up his own dimension before he could learn basic social skills! So as a result, he’s got no real friends for trillions of years!" He delightfully sneers down at Bill. "That is until he starts playing puppet master with some little human! Aw, but he didn’t want to keep playing puppet with you any longer, now did he, champ?? Not if he cut you out completely! With no other way left to cry to him to come back, you go and drown your sorrows at some space bar!"
Hades moves so close that he has to look down at his feet to talk down to Bill. "Ya just couldn't keep him to yourself, and he ended up socially adapting and learning how to make friends and make amends with family! Which is impressive in his own right, since this guy's a REAL socially awkward nerd! Yet he won't even still entertain the idea of shimmying up to you ever again! Even when you threaten his family and force him to play trophy wife by turning him to solid gold-" Hades briefly turns to snicker back at the worried faces of his team, "Oh, context, Billy here was turning a whole buncha people into stone, but Bills special little guy got the special little treatment: a gold finish and a spot on the throne he was forced to take against his will!"
He turns back to talk down to Bill who hasn't moved a muscle or reacted. "To think, no matter how much you try to control him you could never truly make him your own!! And considering how closer the old fart gets as his years race to the finish line, well…"
He leans far down to whisper cruelly, “I may not know WHEN or IF your annoying little existence is gonna go kaput. But I know someone else who’ll be in my grasp."
Bill's body jolts as his eye turns red. Black begins to flicker across his skin as Hades goes on.
"What, he’ll be…92, am I right Bill? Eventually his soul, the last thing that’ll be left of him, is gonna belong to someone else. And unlike you, I didn’t need to put in any effort for that to happen, as it's inevitable."
Hades is having too much fun to notice the other villians are shaking their heads and waving at him to stop.
“Well don’t worry OL’ LIFELONG PAL. When it’s time for him to join me, he’ll be soooooo busy trying to swim through the river of souls he won’t even have time to remember the ANNOYING LITTLE TRIANGLE that couldn’t salvage an APOCALYPSE or a PARTNERSHIP-”
Hades stops taunting when he realizes there's a light glowing above him. He finally looks up and realizes at some point Bill had held his keyblade high above and had been charging it this whole time, growing a ball of light. From behind him, Bill pulls out a SECOND keyblade and holds it side by side with the first. (This new one seems to have journals for it's teeth, a gold six fingered hand wrapping around it, and a handle resembling a metal triangular portal)
With both keyblades charging this ball of light, Bill's body grows until it reaches the ceiling and he roars out:
“ E A T Z E T T A F L A R E -”
“WHEW, what a workout!! Talk about your team building exercise!…At least…that’s what I think happened. What say you guys?"
Bill surveys the remains of Hollow Bastion. There’s different colors of fire everywhere: green, blue, red. He notices the skin of a massive snake, the size of a basilisk sitting off to the side but no snake. There’s massive claw and bite marks across the debris. Some bugs are scattering around, fleeing the area. Otherwise it's a land of scorch marks, shattered rocks, and crackling flames.
“…Good enough for me!”
He floats down to Riku, who is sitting to the side, huddled up in a ball. He's lifelessly flicking the wrist of one hand and staring down at it.
"Whats up, Rick? As another Rick once told me, what's wubba lubba dub dub?"
"Snap of the wrist..." He mutters, blankly shaking one hand, "Just a snap of the wrist..."
Bill goes to relax next to him, raising his only brow at the boy who looks more lost than ever.
Hmm. What’s that Bill is feeling? A smidge of sympathy? Interesting! Bill hasn't felt this about a human since…
NOPE! We don’t think of that harlot! Let him go off sailing with his dumb brother One-Punch Stan.
(And be NOWHERE NEAR 92 YEARS OLD, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.)
“What’s eatin you, kid? I mean, other than me almost eating everyone here.” Bill belts out a metallic hook that goes bouncing across the floor. He waves it off. “Eh, he’ll bounce back, guy always does.”
Riku stops flapping his wrist to bury his face in his hands. “...I was supposed to be the keyblade bearer. That’s what she told me. She said Sora took that from me, and that I’d have to get stronger to take it back. But…ANYONE can do it apparently. Anyone…except me.”
Now Bill, who knows lots of things, knows for a fact that somewhere down the line not only does Riku discover how to conjure his own keyblade, but he also even passes the mark of mastery and becomes a keyblade master before Sora. But in the moment Riku doesn’t know that. And what kind of a Disney villian would Bill be to not take advantage of this young forlorn protag and his conflict?
(And maybe somewhere deep down, Bill saw a kid who just wanted to prove how special he was to his now dead world. Not that Bill would ever admit he had heartstrings to pull.)
He feigns a tired sigh and leans back, eye closed. “Yeesh, ya really wanna be a keyblade bearer too, huh kid?
….Ya know. I might be willing to…." He holds out a glowing hand. "Lend you a hand???"
Some time later, a cloaked specter is drifting through the remaining halls of Hallow Bastion. He turns a corner and pauses at the sight of the boy he is looking for.
Currently, Riku is hunched over and facing a wall. Clearly the boy is struggling internally, and the darkness that radiates off of him is enticing.
“Ah. So I’ve finally found you. Troubled, are we?" He grins to himself as he drifts toward the boy. "Know this. The heart that is strong and true shall win the keyblade. However…you can become stronger. You showed no fear in stepping through the door to darkness. It held no terror for you. Plunge deeper into the darkness and your heart will grow even stronger."
To his pride, the boy lifts his head up as if considering his words. He gradually begins to turn away from the wall to fully face him, and he takes it as an invitation to continue speaking.
"It’s really quite simple. Open yourself to the darkness. Let your heart, your being, become darkness itseeeee HELL ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL?!”
Cackles break out of the wide grin on the boys face, as his yellow eye pierce him.
“WELL WELL WELL. IF IT ISN'T HANDSOME ANSEM!!"
His smile stretches further, "Right?? That’s the fake name you been going around with, huh?? Cause you DEFINITLEY ain't handsome enough to be REAL ANSEM!! Heck, you're not even Fake News Ansem!! So not only are you a liar, but you're just plain heartless! HAHA. GET IT?"
“BILL CIPHERRRRR!!" The heartless of not Ansem roars, "THIS ONE WAS GOING TO BE MIIIIIINE!”
“FINDERS KEEPERS, YA FUCKING LOSER! AHAHAHHA!!!”
The specter tries swiping his hand at him, but the boy backflips and lands on a window sill up above. He even whips out two keyblades that belong to Bill.
“NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I GOT A BOY AND HIS DOG AND DUCK TO MESS AROUND WITH! MY FIRST ACT AS BILLKU?? I’M GONNA SAY THOSE THREE NAMES OF THEIRS IN THE WRONG ORDER. THE UNIVERSE ITSELF WILL IMPLODE FROM THIS!!!!”
Waving his key goodbye, he backflips out the window. “I’LL GIVE THAT NOBODY OF A TWIN OF YOURS A HELLO IF I SEE HIM, LATER!!!”
“BILL CIPHER FUUUUUUUU-“