Chapter Text
Alex, for once, fell asleep and stayed asleep until the next morning. John woke up before him, his heart sinking a little when he saw him at the other end of the bed curled into himself. He got up and left him sleeping, going out into the living room and turning the TV on. Alex joined him soon after, but instead of sitting next to him he sat on the other couch, his laptop on his knees as he typed away in silence. John was a little concerned at his change of behavior but tried to push it to the back of his mind, getting up and going to make coffee. He brought back two mugs, Alex shaking his head when he held out to him.
“Well it's here if you want it.”
He set it on the lamp table next to him and turned his attention back to the TV.
-
They rest of their day was relatively the same, quiet. Instead of following John wherever he went like he normally did Alex stayed on the couch on his laptop, it wasn't until he refused to get up and walk 2 feet to the counter to get lunch that John said something.
“Alex are you okay? You've been staying at least foot away from me all day, it isn't like you.”
John waked out from behind the counter and back to the couch, but chose to stand instead of sitting back down.Alex lifted his head, he looked peeved, a state John hadn't really seen him in before.
“It isn't like a rape victim to not like being touched?”
He grumbled and looked back down, continuing on typing. John was a little taken aback, but tried not to let it show.
“That isn't what I meant, you know that.”
He raised his hands as he talked, a habit of his when he was exasperated. He hadn't gone into a state like that with Alex present before, so he didn't realize the implications of his action until he heard Alex suck in his breathe. When he looked down at him his eyes were squeezed shut.
“Alex-”
“Please don't I'll stay closer I'll listen please don't.”
It took John longer than it should have to realize the cause for his sudden panic, and he let his hand drop. The sound of it slapping his thigh made Alex flinch.
“I'm not going to hit you. I'm gonna sit back down on the couch across from you.”
He sat down and folded his hands in his lap. Alex let his face relax, cut didn't look up, instead just looking down at the area rug.
“Can I talk?”
Alex nodded weakly.
“I didn't mean my question in a bad way, I respect whatever boundaries you set for us. I just got concerned when you went from being practically glued to me to avoiding me at all costs, you haven't been like that since we've met.”
Alex rocked his heels on the floor as he took in what John was saying.
“I'm sorry I raised my hands and scared you, I talk with my hands when I'm agitated but I should have known not to with you. I would never ever even think of hitting you, or harming you in anyway. I care about you Alex.”
He sighed and rested his head in his hands, looking off.
“More than you're letting on.”
Alex mumbled what he had heard Lafayette say the previous day, causing John to look up abruptly.
“What?”
“That's what Laf said, I heard what he said to you.”
Alex looked up and reached his hand out to tap Johns leg to get him to look up, and he did, his face growing redder by the second.
“Alex I'm sorry I don't mean to come off that way if that's what you're getting at I care about you a lot, saying more than I let on isn't a lie but I don't want you to th-”
“John breathe.”
He interrupted him and John hesitantly paused to take in a deep breathe, letting it out after a few seconds.
“Don't tear yourself to shreds without me joining in, I feel the same.”
His voice got quieter on the last sentiment, his hands a little shaky as he popped his knuckles in nervousness.
“You make me feel safe, and wanted. I've been avoiding you because the last time I let myself feel that way with someone it all went to hell. I trust you, but I'm scared.”
The lump in his throat grew with every word and his voice cracked, which he winced at. He was weak.
“Me too. Not as bad as you had it obviously, but my last relationship wasn't exactly peachy either.”
John mumbled and looked down, looking back up when he felt a thumb brush across his knuckles, Alex having taken his hand in his.
“John...”
“I know.”
-
The sat in silence for a bit, Alex intertwining their hands and studying John in his silence. He was the embodiment of everything good in his life, he never wanted that to change.
It was Alex who broke the silence first.
“I don't want a physical relationship, not right now, I don't know if I ever will. I mean holding hands and just plain fully clothed touching isn't gonna send me into flashbacks but as for anything else. I can't say the same. I understand if you don't want that.”
He slipped his hand out of Johns slowly, only for John to re-grab it.
“If you're ready tomorrow, if you're ready 2 weeks from now, if you're never ready, that doesn't change a single thing I think about you.”
Alex looked at him, the glint of a tears visible in her eyes.
“Thank you.”
He spoke softly shifted so that he wasn't a foot away from him, now sitting to his side, his back against his shoulder.
“And for my safety, and yours, I don't want to be public yet. I don't know how many people knew Charles but I know he has friends in the area. The crisis center people are okay, I include Hercules in them.”
John nodded
“He has friends?”
“Shockingly enough.”
Alex mumbled and rolled his eyes, laughing lightly. He reached back a little to grab Johns arm, pulling it over his shoulder and relaxing back more than he had been. John looked down at him, intertwining their fingers together again and draping his other arm around Alex. It was quiet, just a nice kind of a quiet.