Chapter Text
17th of January
~NICO~
Nico di Angelo waited for a certain son of Poseidon at the top of Half-Blood Hill beside Thalia’s pine tree. He kept his hands in his pockets and ducked further into his scarf. The severe January day did little for anyone’s mood, least of all Nico’s. Percy had been giving Nico the silent treatment for two weeks. Whatever Percy was now ready to say would surely take today from a zero to a negative one hundred.
Nico deserved this, of course. Hadn’t Nico exploited Percy’s memory loss and kept the minor detail of his having a girlfriend from him? Hadn’t Nico let Percy dig himself deeper and deeper into the pit of believing that their banter (which, to be fair, had historic precedent) was reflective of their chemistry? That Percy’s draw to the idea of Nico (part of Percy’s past) was reflective of actual attraction?
Nico stared down the slope toward camp, facing into the stinging wind, a few errant tears falling onto his gray scarf. Percy wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Perhaps Nico had gotten the time wrong? Perhaps Percy had changed his mind?
Percy had needed to interact with him while they shadow traveled from Camp Jupiter to Camp Half-Blood, but he hadn’t shown any interest in speaking directly to Nico or even acknowledging his existence since regaining his memories. Never mind that during the miserable hours of memory recovery, Percy had begged Nico not to leave his side. Now, it seemed, after reuniting with Annabeth and reflecting on the situation with her, Percy finally wanted to talk to him.
It hardly made sense. Annabeth was well within her right to hate the son of Hades.
Nico pictured her face after telling her everything (the vow made to his father, the deceit, the knowing where Percy was and not telling her). He might have left out the detail of the sweatshirt. He might have left out his crush and Percy thinking they were exes. He figured Percy would tell her all of that eventually—her hatred of Nico, fully-realized then.
She’d glared at him, gray gaze steely sharp. She’d lunged at him, but he’d held his ground, knowing he deserved whatever she had in store.
However, instead of pummeling him or shoving him to the floor, she threw her arms around him and held him tight. Nico opened his eyes, heart racing, superfluous dread turning him deadweight in her hold.
When she drew back, her eyes were watery. “I don’t know that I could’ve done it. You’re an exceptionally strong person, Nico di Angelo.”
He swallowed hard against tears. He shook his head in disbelief. Annabeth had once held up the sky, among her myriad accomplishments. “It didn’t feel strong. It felt awful.”
“Lonely, too, I bet.”
There wasn’t too much snow on the ground anymore, but Nico still felt chilled to the bone standing on the windy hillside in his black hoodie and scarf. He needed a new jacket. There hadn’t been a reason to get one what with spending so much time in California the first part of winter.
He spotted the small dot of Percy’s form at the bottom of the slope, making its way up the hillside. His stomach turned over. Maybe there was still time to shadow travel away before Percy noticed him.
He needed to get a grip.
Truly anything Percy said to him now would not be worse than all the things he’d already said to himself. Nico was his own worst bully, though he kept that under wraps most of the time. He didn’t need to give others even more reason to steer clear of him.
“You look like a popsicle. We could’ve met in my cabin or something,” called Percy, only several yards from Nico now.
Despite himself, Nico said, “That’s your fault. If you’d just been on time.”
Percy stood a few feet away from him, expression hard, but not quite glaring. “You’re so annoying. You know that?”
Nico nodded. He was going to throw up. Although he’d prefer it if Percy didn’t drag it out, he was also terrified of what he might say.
Lifting a hand to his brow, Percy surveyed the tree line across from them. “Like, I have lots of reasons to hate you.”
He actually wanted to die. “That’s understandable.”
“Were you just making fun of me the whole time? Behind my back? I really believed that we—” Percy broke off, voice raw with emotion.
Gods. Nico had been wrong. This was worse: knowing how much he’d hurt Percy. Not merely speculating how much he might have.
“I’m so sorry, Percy.”
“That’s not good enough.”
“I know. I’ll never stop being sorry, but I don’t want it to come off like I expect you to forgive me. I don’t.”
Percy let out a pained laugh. “I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you just tell me? Spare me some embarrassment? Instead, you were probably laughing at the clingy seaweed-brain I was being. Gods.” His voice rose as he spoke, his cheeks coloring.
Did Percy really not get it? Nico had thought his ‘motivations’ must’ve been obvious.
“I swear to gods, I wasn’t laughing. It was really fucking painful, actually.”
“Painful? What are you talking about? I was the one who—”
“Because I like you, idiot!” Hot tears sprang to Nico’s eyes. “Alright? I was being fucking selfish! You were finally giving me attention and I didn’t deserve it, but I didn’t care. I had wanted it so badly. I gave you so much and you didn’t even care! You never cared.”
Percy stared at him, breathing hard as if he’d been the one ranting. “What?”
“I swear to gods, if I could take it back, I would! I wouldn’t have taken your stupid sweatshirt. I would’ve told you about Annabeth even if I couldn’t tell you where she was. At the very least, I would’ve shut down your speculations about our history. Hades, maybe I should’ve pretended not to know you at all!”
Percy’s face twisted into a grimace. “You liked me?”
Nico rolled his eyes. “I’ll leave you alone. You don’t need to worry about it.”
“I wasn’t— That’s not what I meant. I—”
“Whatever. I’m trying to say that I’m sorry. You deserved the truth, Percy. I kept it from you. That wasn’t fair.”
Percy rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, I haven’t exactly treated you fairly either. I took you for granted. You’ve helped me so much, Nico. You saved my life multiple times, probably.”
Nico bit the inside of his cheek hard to keep from crying, to have an alternative pain. Choose your own adventure. He shrugged.
They stared at one another for several seconds. In their silence, the clattering of icicles as the wind jostled bare branches, the hush of snowmelt, the soft, low breathing of a sleeping Peleus, the dragon who guarded Thalia’s tree.
Percy flexed his hands, staring at them, as if he couldn’t believe they belonged to him.
“I can’t describe how horrible it felt to wake up not knowing where or who I was. The worst I’ve ever felt in my life, probably. Kind of like, what’s the point? I’d never really felt like that before.” Percy cleared his throat. “Knowing that someone knew who I was—that someone cared about me—was a lifeline. I don’t really know how it would’ve been if you hadn’t been there. Or, if you’d pretended not to know me.”
Nico’s face and ears ached in the harsh winter air. His limbs grew numb beneath his insufficient layers. His head spun hearing Percy voice feelings he himself had felt plenty of times before. The son of Poseidon had always seemed so impervious in Nico’s eyes—carrying himself in all circumstances, however dire, with a cheery, confident buoyancy.
“I’m so sorry you felt like that,” said Nico.
Percy shot him a helpless expression, brows knitting, smiling through discomfort. “Maybe I got a little carried away? It’s not like you really encouraged it. I mean, yeah, you didn’t stop me. But I was also drowning and needed something to hold onto. I craved a sense of storyline. Couldn’t bear the nothingness.”
Percy swallowed sharply. “Like, if I imagined that you and I had this long, on-and-off again thing, that meant I had a history, meant I existed to someone else, that I mattered to someone else.”
What was Percy saying? He’d been the reason the charade had gone on too long?
No. That wasn’t right. Nico was to blame. He’d been the one with the full-picture of the situation, the one with access to all his memories. Nico was the one who’d taken advantage. The one who was actual fucking garbage.
Nico glanced away, unable to stop himself from crying. “I’m really sorry, Percy. I shouldn’t have let you. It wasn’t okay. I understand that you’ll probably resent me on some level forever. That’s— I’ve made my peace with that.”
“But, I don’t.”
“How can you not?”
Percy searched Nico’s face, tilting his head, brows scrunching together.
“Nico, you do remember that nothing happened, right? You didn’t do anything. Maybe your guilt has tainted your recollection of events. That’s fair. I’d get that. Like, you let me play make-believe, but you honestly didn’t treat me any differently than you did before. I can say that. I remember now—how it was before. You let me make a fool of myself, yeah, but you didn’t like—”
Percy dragged the toe of his sneaker through the soft, unblemished snow. He groaned. “Gods, I was so embarrassing. Holy Mount Olympus. Fuck. If you recall, I was the initiator. You didn’t let it go anywhere. Believe me, I tried.” The redness of Percy’s face could be blamed on the cold.
Nico recalled Percy’s relentless teasing at Camp Jupiter, the demigod’s assumed familiar proximity, his requests for one of Nico’s sweatshirts in exchange. Face burning, Nico remembered the eve of Percy’s departure for his quest with Frank and Hazel. Percy’s smirk and waggling eyebrows. You might never see me again, Nico, shouldn’t we part on a positive note? ‘Positive note’ here meant kissing.
“I thought you were joking.” This had certainly been easier for Nico to believe at the time.
Percy let out a strained laugh. “No. The only joke is me. I was honestly so cringey and clingy. I can't imagine what that must've been like for you. Yet, you were kind enough to let me rock. It’s like I said: I needed the distraction and found the idea of you super comforting.”
Nico shut his eyes. Slight reprieve from the stinging chill. “Hades. Please don’t thank me. You're being way too nice about all of this. I hardly deserve it."
“I'm not being nice. Only honest." Percy frowned. "Do you mean that? About not deserving?"
Nico shrugged.
Percy studied him, again, moving ever-so-slightly closer as he did so as if Nico were a skittish animal that required caution to approach. “Could I hug you? Would that be okay?”
“What? Why?”
Percy shot him a bemused expression, gave a helpless laugh. “I don’t know. Sometimes, I like to give my friends hugs. Is that crazy?”
“I didn’t think we were friends.”
Percy winced. “Okay. Fair. I’ve been a crappy one. Sorry about that. I’d like to make up for it. If you’re open to that. Obviously, if you’d rather not, I’d understand.”
Nico’s heart pounded in his ears. Percy had been correct. Despite his flirting and proximity at Camp Jupiter, Nico had barely let Percy touch him. That Percy wanted to now, after everything, was overwhelming to say the least.
Slowly, Nico nodded.
Percy crossed the remaining space between them and pulled Nico into him. When Percy didn’t immediately let go, Nico lifted his arms to return the hug, pressing his face to Percy’s shoulder, and digging his fingertips into the back of Percy’s jacket.
Protected, in the quiet between their shivering bodies, Nico said, “I’m open to it. I’d like that.”
He felt Percy’s shaking laughter. “Okay. Gods, I’m so relieved.”
“Me, too.”
Percy drew back. “Can we go inside now? I’m fucking frozen out here.”
Nico’s stomach let out an audible snarl, then, reminding him it had been days since he'd eaten more than a scant protein bar alone in his cabin. He'd been avoiding certain people at all costs, including mealtimes.
“I didn’t see you at breakfast. Or at dinner last night. Does the shadow travel impact your appetite? Wanna go to McDonald’s or something? I could go for a bite.”
“I suppose, if you're offering to drive. I think Will would murder me for shadow traveling again so soon.”
Percy considered him, realization dawning in his expression. “Huh. I guess Solace does have a soft spot for you, doesn’t he?”
Nico’s face went hot. He narrowed his eyes. “What the Hades are you talking about, Percy Jackson?”
Percy’s eyes glinted mischievously. “All in good time, Nico di Angelo.” He retrieved his car keys from his jacket pocket and spun them around his finger. “Come on. Let’s go.”