Chapter Text
Like she promised, Kara made her way to the library the next day, armed with snacks, a blanket and a laptop.
"Why are you here today? The library is closed." Lena pointed out as soon as Kara stepped in.
"Well you're here regardless aren't you?" Kara made her way to the right side of the library this time, she moved away one of the small study tables and spread open her blanket on the floor. Lena couldn't sit on a chair but she could on the floor for some reason, or at least a few inches above it. In this small space she had just enough light from one of the upper windows while still being obscured from the outside.
"That doesn't answer my question." Lena said as she sat down opposite to her on the blanket.
"Well, I bet you are bored out of your mind in here, and we still have a lot of thinking to do to help you move on. You deserve to be free Lena."
Lena was quiet for a moment. "What's with the blanket?" She finally asked.
"Well, I don't want to leave crumbs all over the floor now, do I?" She said as she pulled out the mountain of snacks from her bag.
They went through a few easy questions and then ended up just watching a few movies on her laptop. Lena disappeared twice throughout the day which made Kara realise she was probably not doing it on purpose.
"Where do you go when you disappear?" Kara asked once Lena returned.
"I'm not sure, it's just dark, I think. And I don’t… I don’t actually remember."
"Did you try to leave the library?" Kara wondered as she munched on the last of her chips.
"Yes, apparently I can't even access the full extent of the library."
"What do you mean?"
Lena stood up and started walking towards the entrance. Kara was about to tell her to stop when Lena just stopped by herself mid step.
"See? Can't pass that, most of this part of the library really. Your blanket is actually pretty much as far as I can reach in this area."
"Then why did you go all the way there?" Kara let out, attempting to swallow down the sudden panic she felt.
"Your face was worth it." She said simply with a teasing smile.
Kara threw a small eraser she found on the floor at her. As expected it passed straight through Lena.
"Really?" She raised her perfectly sculpted, lightly singed, eyebrow.
"You are annoying."
"Yet, you're still here."
She wasn't sure how they ended up so close like that again, Lena was still smiling her teasing smile that made Kara's heart beat slightly faster than before. "Well, you'll get lonely without me," Kara whispered.
Lena was the one to pull away this time. "And it is well appreciated." She said slightly louder than needed. Kara's heart was still racing in her chest. Lena deserves to move on, she reminded herself. She repeated the thought like a mantra hoping it would finally sink in.
"I have a question." Kara finally said.
"Then ask."
"You said you were close to Jack, but you weren't friends? How does that work?"
"Oh." Lena said as she sat back on the blanket, slightly further than before. "He annoyed me a lot, but he was the most tolerable person in the labs most of the time. I think he wanted us to be friends, maybe even more than that, I don’t know. But like I said, I kept pushing him away. I keep thinking, had I just let him in on the project, into my life, maybe things would've turned out differently." She said, her gaze became distant and sombre.
"Maybe he's the answer then."
"What do you mean?" Their eyes met once again.
"Maybe you need to let him know that? Maybe this is your big regret. You told me yesterday that you regretted being alone. He sounds like the key to the door you've never opened."
"I still don't understand, do you want him to come here and talk to me? I mean a closure with him is not a bad idea, but Kara I really don't want him to see me this way."
"That would be a problem then."
They sat in silence for a few moments before Kara finally had an idea.
"How about I talk to him instead? I will introduce myself as an old friend of yours from far away, here to understand what has happened to you. And while we talk I'll tell him how you really feel about him, and how you regret not being his friend."
"I suppose that's not terrible."
"It's brilliant and you know it." That finally got Lena to smile again, and oh, how she cherished that smile.
“Maybe.”
“I’m gonna take it as a compliment.” Kara declared, sporting her own smile.
“Considering I blew myself up with my own invention, I wouldn’t hold it up in high regards.”
“The machine about food and water?” Kara raised a doubting eyebrow.
“No, that doesn’t sound right…” Lena muttered almost to herself, seemingly lost in another wave of foggy memories.
“Lena?” Kara asked quietly.
”What do you know about quantum entanglement?” Lena’s question came as a surprise. She seemed more like herself for the most part at the very least.
“Quantum what?”
“I don’t know? I was just thinking about it suddenly.”
“What is it?”
“It’s basically a state where two particles are inevitably connected to one another. Even when they are separated by a large distance, they are always inevitably connected to one another.” She explained.
“It sounds beautiful.” Kara was still surprised by the sudden question, but couldn’t help but smile. Maybe their meeting was inevitable. She was grateful to whatever it was that connected her to Lena, yet carried a hint of resentment to the cruel fate that awaited her .
Kara returned back to the library the next day, to both watch more movies and work out her new brilliant plan. Kara put on a ridiculous movie where the ghost in the film materialised and came back to life all because of the power of friendship. Even though they laughed about the horrible computer effects and complained about the outdated dialogue, she secretly hoped that she could help Lena in the same way the protagonist had helped the ghost in the movie. How awesome would it be for the power of friendship to fix everything.
On Monday, right after work, Kara found herself inside of National city university for the first time in her life. The place was way fancier than she imagined, the buildings were obviously well maintained and way bigger than the ones in Midvale. She had to ask around a bit before she finally found a frustrated guy in front of a laptop who she assumed was Jack. Brown skin, bushy black hair, sporting an overgrown beard, and although she couldn't tell if his expression was smug enough from where she was standing, she thought she got the vibe.
He was so deep inside his work he didn't even notice her approaching him. "Hi, are you Jack Spheer?"
That seemed to grab his attention, he immediately got to his feet and closed his laptop, hugging it like his life depends on it. No smug expression though.
"Who's asking?" He tried to compose himself, his voice was somewhat accusing. His British accent ticked another box on her Jack description list, she decided it must've been him.
"I'm a friend of Lena's." She said in defence.
"Are you a cop?"
"No, no I'm actually her friend." She insisted.
"Lena doesn't do friends. She was very clear about that." He kept his defensive position, still hugging the laptop.
"Well I guess I'm the lucky exception, we were childhood friends. I still lived in Metropolis while she moved here, but we kept in touch." She tried her best to remember most of what Lena had told her, while still making it sound believable.
"She never mentioned you." She could easily tell how suspicious he was, he wasn't hiding it anymore.
"Well, she did mention you. That's why I'm here actually."
"And why is that?"
"She wanted me to let you know how much she appreciated you.”
“So you’re telling me you’re Lena’s mysterious friend, and you came all the way from Metropolis to let me know she appreciated me?” He put the laptop in his bag as he approached Kara. She instinctively started walking back.
“Ah.. well I mean I recently moved in, and I also wanted to know what’s going on with her. You know I’ve seen your posts and… do you know what's happened?” Lena told her to lead with this part to make him less suspicious, but she totally forgot. God, she would’ve made a terrible spy.
“I don’t know, but to me it seems like you’re the one with the answers. Coming to me and telling me ‘she appreciated me’. In the past tense no less.”
“Well, I’m sure she still–“
“You appear out of the blue after never hearing of you before.”
“It’s just that I wasn’t here–“ she bumped into a chair as she walked backwards, and moved it out of her way.
“And you came looking for me specifically for information, right after her house was broken into.”
“Her house was broken into?” She was genuinely confused by that one.
“Not important! I just want to know what your deal is. What do you know about Lena? Where is she?”
Kara hit the back of a table, she couldn’t move that one. “Um, I don’t. I really don’t know. She just always told me how great you are, although annoying sometimes and ‘a drama queen’ as she put it. But also, that you were trustworthy and she really appreciated you.” His face, still suspicious, morphed into something more emotional, something angry and raw.
“Well, she never told me any of that, he said. His voice was quiet, yet fueled by emotions.
“And I’m sure she regrets it.” Kara tried to convey Lena’s intentions through her voice as much as she could.
He didn’t say anything after that, simply pinning her down with his look. After a minute or so she extracted herself from his gaze and left. “Um.. bye.” She mumbled as she exited the university’s library. He didn’t try to stop her.
Jack did turn up in her library the next day. He sat not too far from where she had her little picnic with Lena the other day, but he made sure to face Kara’s desk as he worked. She caught him observing her a few times throughout the day. She was very grateful when Nia finally arrived, so she could hide in the back room for a while, away from Jack’s glare.
“Why is Jack sitting in our corner with my laptop?”
Kara felt her face getting hotter at the mention of that corner as theirs. “Wait, it's your laptop?”
“Yes, I’m not sure how he got it but it’s most definitely mine. Did you tell him about my current situation?”
“No, no of course not! I told him everything you told me to say. More or less.”
“And his immediate reaction to that was to follow you to your workplace while playing around with my computer?”
“No he didn’t follow me!”
Lena raised a doubting eyebrow.
“Okay, now that you mention it, he probably did. Look, he was very emotional. I promise you, I told him what you wanted me to say, but I may have messed around with the order of it just a little bit, and he is probably suspecting I broke into your apartment.”
“Kara, considering he’s using my backup laptop, that I can easily recognise by that embarrassing half scratched Backstreet Boys sticker on the back that I hid in a locked drawer next to my bed, I’m pretty sure he’s the one who broke in.”
“Oh.” She felt stupid for not realising it sooner. “We’ll definitely have to talk about that sticker later, but for now, what do you want me to do about him?”
Kara left the back room determined and aloof, like Lena instructed her. She stopped right in front of him and crossed her arms. “What are you doing here?”
“Finally acknowledging my existence here, are you?” He said as he lifted his eyes from the screen, meeting her with a smirk on his lips. There’s that smugness she was told about.
“I want to know why you followed me, and how you got a hold of Lena’s laptop.” She lifted her chin just a little bit to help convey the intimidating features she hoped she was projecting.
Jack’s face fell at once, his smirk all but disappeared and his eyes grew with worry. “What makes you think it’s her laptop?”
“I’m the one who gave her that sticker.” She gestured to it with her head.
He didn’t answer immediately. “I also like… is it the Backstreet Guys?” Then, before she could say anything else, he packed his bag in record speed and was out of the door with a quick ‘please don’t tell anyone’ thrown at her before he left.
“So, Backstreet Boys?” Kara asked once the evening fell and she was left alone with Lena in their new corner in the library.
“Please don’t remind me, it’s embarrassing really.”
“No, that’s not embarrassing, that’s awesome! You just got ten percent more awesome for that fact alone.”
“A friend got me into it when I was younger, that’s all there is to it.”
“Come on! Give me more! What’s your favourite song?”
“Not gonna answer that.”
“Oh! maybe you’ll wake up to find out you’re not really a ghost and it was all a dream like in their spooky music video.”
“I certainly hope so.”
“But wait, what friend? I thought you didn’t have any? Were they the ones to give you that sticker?”
“Yes.”
“You never mentioned them.”
Lena took a deep breath. “Andrea was my best friend for most of my high school years, before that even. She was the closest person I had at that time, we talked about everything, we spent all of our free time together and to be completely honest, I believe I had some romantic feelings for her as well.”
Kara wasn’t jealous. She certainly wasn’t jealous of the feelings the dead person in front of her had for her childhood friend. Nope.
“Anyway, after I moved for college we saw each other less and less and it somehow got to the point where we weren’t talking at all. Not for the lack of communication on my part, it took me longer than I’d like to admit to notice she was ignoring me. I flew all the way to Metropolis to confront her personally in order to make sure she couldn’t ghost me this time. This is when I found out my mother had bribed her to stop talking to me. My mother gave her money to stop being my friend. And she took it.”
“What?” Kara was completely and utterly shocked.
“I mean, it wasn’t the first time my mother bribed someone to keep away from me, she did that to my first boyfriend and probably countless others. I just didn’t expect that from Andrea.”
“I just want to let you know that I will never take money from your mother, no matter the circumstances. You know, had things been different.”
“Thanks.” Lena whispered with a soft smile.
“Maybe it’s something to do with Andrea? Do you have any regrets that have to do with her?”
“I guess I’m sorry I never had the chance to tell her how much of a pathetic bitch she was. That, and how much she hurt me. After I found out I simply left without saying anything. I cried all the way back here.”
“You should let her know that. You deserve having her acknowledge your pain.”
“And how do you suggest I do that exactly? The talk with Jack wasn’t really ideal.”
“You can tell me what you want to say and I can write it down and send it. We can make it seem as if it was sent by you so I don’t have to act and embarrass myself in front of another person.”
“Not bad, you should type it though, she knows my handwriting, so print it and send it physically, of course. You’ll have to find a delivery service that you can pay to say it was originally sent a month ago if she asks.”
“Yeah, sure I’ll do that.” Kara was halfway through opening her laptop to start typing the letter when Lena raised a hand as if to stop her.
“First I want to ask you something.”
“Okay.” She closed the screen and focused her attention on Lena.
“You don’t have to answer me now if you don’t want to, but I hope you will answer it eventually. I asked you before, why do you avoid people? You are so friendly, kind and bright. How come someone as amazing as you don’t have friends? And before you lie to me again I will remind you that we have promised complete honesty to one another, you don’t have to answer me but don't you dare to lie to me again.”
Kara swallowed hard. She didn’t lie to Lena did she? Looking around to find some sense of comfort didn’t yield much results. With the darkness surrounding them, Kara only spotted the green glow from the end of the room that only made her more uneasy than anything else. She risked a quick glance at Lena instead to give herself the courage to speak.
“I wasn’t lying when I said I’m not a very social person. It’s not a new thing either, I didn’t have childhood friends or something similar. I suppose I never really had the chance.” Kara suddenly found the shape of her fingers very interesting, tracing her knuckles as she continued talking. “My parents travelled a lot, I was homeschooled you see, so I didn’t meet a lot of kids my age at the time. I spent most of my free time reading and hanging out with my parents when they were free. There was one girl I suppose that I befriended, but we had to leave again after a few months and she never kept in touch. So it’s just… you know, something I never really had.” Kara laced her fingers together, and studied the movement of her thumbs circling around each other.
“You did, though. You had your parents. It wasn't ideal but it was something.”
“I guess.”
“How about after you were adopted? Did you go to school?”
“Yes, I did. I was the sad weird girl that read a lot that nobody wanted to talk to.” Kara let out a small chuckle.
“And your sister? Aren’t you close?”
“We weren’t back then, she didn’t like the idea of a surprise, depressed, nerdy sister.”
“So you're telling me that through high school you never had one friend?”
“I… no. There was one person.” Kara dropped her gaze again and took a deep breath. “He was just as weird and nerdy as me, and really the only one who dared to talk to me. Kenny was my only real friend really.”
“And where is he now?”
“He… he was killed. A year before graduation. He saw something, and recorded something he shouldn't have, so he was killed. Investigating his death was actually how Alex and I got close. But besides that I never really had another friend afterwards.”
“I’m so sorry Kara.”
Kara finally lifted her gaze, Lena’s figure was blurry from the tears that formed in her eyes, it made it slightly easier to look at her. “You know it’s kinda funny really, talking to you. It’s like I’ve been speaking to ghosts all of my life, so this is like a super sick joke from the universe or something.” Kara started to laugh, a laugh that quickly turned into a silent sob.
Lena got close, holding her hands around her curled body on the floor, doing her best to give her the hug she couldn’t quite give her. As if she realised that her missing touch was not enough to soothe her broken soul, Lena used her voice to whisper reassurances in her ear.
It took a while Kara’s sobbing subsided, leaving her with a red nose and wet eyes. “I’m sorry that we didn’t get to write your letter.”
“Don’t worry about it darling, we can do it another day, there’s no pressure.”
“You deserve to be free.” She said with a groggy voice.
“You deserve to be free too.”
Kara didn’t know what to say, so she didn’t. They sat there on the floor in the quiet of the library, Kara didn’t know for how long.
“Kara, you should go home. Get some sleep.”
She didn’t want to go home, she didn’t want to be all alone in her small apartment. The thought alone made her shiver. “Yeah.” She said regardless. Rising to her feet as she collected her stuff. “I probably should.”
Sleep did not find her easy that night, but she eventually managed to get a few hours before she had to wake up.
They spent the next few days juggling between writing the letter to Andrea and lighter topics, like Lena’s much needed education on Disney movies and modern T.V shows. Kara let her laptop run a marathon of Brooklyn 99 in the back room for Lena to watch while she worked, and by night they sat in their corner to write the letter and watch movies.
The next time Nia asked her to come for another game night she agreed on the spot. The thought of losing Lena made her want to curl into a ball in the corner of the room and never leave. But Lena was right she needed to let herself be free, she needed to let herself be wanted by people, she needed friends.
The letter was sent as per Lena’s instructions. There wasn’t really a way for them to get an answer back, but it also wasn’t really the point. Lena said she was satisfied enough with the knowledge she had sent it.
The second game night was better than the first in some ways, but worse in others. The place was familiar this time, Kara felt more comfortable getting there and getting around the house. She brought a pack of beer this time, after seeing her wine wasn’t too popular with the group, not that anyone complained. She also got more comfortable talking with them, sharing stories and experiences.
She wanted to tell them about Lena, she wanted to tell someone about Lena, this whole situation was laying heavily on her soul, she was feeling so much. But she didn’t want her new friends to think she was crazy, and also she wanted to respect Lena’s privacy, she knew she didn’t want anyone else to know about her ‘condition’. So she kept her mouth shut, and tried her best to enjoy her time playing games with her new friends.
On her way back she checked her phone for any messages, she got a picture from her sister and Kelly letting her know they purchased tickets to come visit her next week. She was looking forward to introducing her sister to her actual new friends and showing her around the library, if only she would have to come with some excuse regarding Lena.
She had a second message from an unmarked number.
"Lena!" She shouted as she unlocked the library's doors.
"I take it you had a good time with your friends?" The fact that Lena approached from the direction of their little corner warmed her heart.
"Yes, but I got a message from the delivery company. Andrea got your message."
"Oh."
"How are you feeling about it?" Kara asked, as she walked to their spot.
"I'm not completely sure. I'm glad she got it."
"Do you feel any different?"
"I can't say–" that was all Lena managed to say before she disappeared.
Lena disappeared before, it wasn't too frequent, but it happened now and again. Every time it was only for a couple of minutes at most, but that was different. Kara stared at her clock and counted the time. She waited ten long minutes, but when Lena still hadn't returned, she started to worry. Was that it? Did she really just go without saying goodbye?
Kara suddenly found it hard to breathe. Having to hold onto the chair next to her to keep her upright. She wasn't sure if she could handle Lena leaving, she had new friends but it felt like Lena was becoming a part of her, a part she was not ready to let go. She knew it was selfish, but she just wasn't ready. She wasn't sure if she could ever be ready.
Lena appeared back, standing not far from where was before she left. Kara wasn't sure how long she's been gone, but for her it felt like an eternity.
"Lena! I thought" – I lost you forever "I thought that it finally worked." She said, her voice weak and breathless.
"I… Jack, where–?" Lena looked confused, she looked around as if seeing the place for the first time.
"Lena?" Kara asked, she was still hanging to that chair, she didn't trust herself enough to move quite yet.
It was Lena who moved, getting closer to the blonde, looking at her like a puzzle she tried to figure out. "Kara?" She asked, tasting the words in her mouth as if to see if it makes sense.
"Yes?" They were inches apart, Kara looked into her eyes to see any kind of recognition. They simply stood like that, looking at each other. Kara was not expecting that, she wasn't sure she could handle Lena forgetting her.
"Oh my god Kara!"
"Yes?" She was really confused at that point.
"I was…Everything was gone for a moment. It was like the first time."
She was trembling, Lena could barely hold herself upwards and she didn't have the privilege of the chair like Kara. Lena slowly lowered herself to the floor to have something solid to hold onto, or at least the closest thing she had to one.
"I was so scared Kara, I was so scared." Her voice was weak.
"I'm here, I'm here." She repeated as she lowered herself next to Lena. Kara wanted to hold her so badly, hold her tight and never let go. She settled on a similar pose to what Lena did the other day, she placed her arms on either side of Lena and continued reassuring her.
Looking at Lena, Kara felt a rush of emotions pass through her. She almost just lost her, she almost lost that wonderful, beautiful, amazing woman that appeared in her life. The woman she had actually lost before they even met. As she looked at her partly transparent green eyes she came into the horrifying realisation, she had fallen in love with the dead woman in front of her. She had fallen in love with Lena Luthor.
She tried her best to swallow down her emotions. She shouldn't be selfish about it, the longer Lena stays the harder it will be on both of them. She had to help her move on.
"Hey, maybe it's a good sign," she whispered quietly in her ear. "Maybe it's a sign we're going in the right direction. Who do you think you still need to talk to?"
"I… I don't–"
"Hey, Lena, look at me. Look at me, okay?" Once Lena lifted her head she held her gaze and tried her hardest to send her a soft and reassuring smile. "We're almost done Lena, it's almost over."
Lena still looked upset, but at least slightly calmer. "My mother," she whispered ever so quietly. "She's the last one, I need to talk to my mother."
"Okay," Kara nodded. "We will write to your mother."
“Thank you.” Lena felt distanced, as if she wasn't even talking to her.
“Do you… Um, do you happen to remember more about the incident?” Kara was hesitant to ask.
“Maybe? It’s still too fuzzy, like every time I remember something, it escapes my grasp before I manage to hold on to it. But I think I was missing something.”
“Something?”
“Yeah, something.” Lena tried to mime what Kara assumed was a small object with her hands, but she really had no clue what it could’ve meant. “Green?”
“Was it food related? Maybe, like, sulphate fire?” Kara guessed considering Lena’s obvious burns.
“Food?”
“You said your project was food related?”
“Oh, right. I yes… I’m not sure.” Lena’s eyes drifted off into the distance once more.
Leaving Lena was hard that night, finding sleep was even harder. She tossed and turned to no avail. The thought of Lena leaving haunted her like a hand around her neck that was slowly squeezing the life out of her.
She decided to try to shove her emotions as deep as she could, and to deal with them only after Lena was gone.
And there it was again, Lena would be out of her life forever. No, she couldn't let that loss drag her down, she had to focus on the positive. Lena would be gone but she had changed her life for the better. Kara also finally had an outlet to let her emotions out in a healthy environment, maybe not the most ideal one, but she felt so much better afterwards. She made her go out and hang out with people, people who were actually becoming her friends, real friends.
There was also the matter of her developing feelings for Lena knowing that despite how giddy and excited she was to see the other woman, it was complicated by the fact that Lena's fate was always hanging over them. How Lena, beautiful and amazing, was someone she couldn't touch or hug or comfort. Because Lena was dead.
They spent the next few days trying to balance keeping a positive attitude with her friends and listen to their stories (Winn was complaining about the labs again, something about a biohazard keeping everyone away from the area this time, and Nia about something funny that had to do with Brainy, and a popcorn bucket or something?), and writing down Lena's letter to her mother while attempting not to break down and cherish every moment she still had with her. Lena disappeared more frequently, especially during the night time, leaving Kara alone with the scary noises from the university walls, making her feel lonely,and giving her a mini heart attack every time she was gone.
The letter was finished in two days and was sent in a similar method to the last one.
"I do wish to see the look on her face when she reads it though," Lena said. They were sitting in their little spot watching Wall-E on Kara’s laptop. "Good thing I'm dead though, she would've probably killed me after reading what I think about her. Or disowned me, at the very least."
"Can I ask you something?" Kara pressed pause on the movie.
Lena nodded.
"What do you think there's on the other side?"
"I don't know really, I keep forgetting everything when I come back. I'm afraid that's what it is, complete forgetfulness, a clean slate. To be completely erased from reality. This nothingness scares the shit out of me, and if there really is nothing more to it, is it better to hold on to our grudges that keep us here? What keeps us who we are? But, then again what kind of existence is that? An empty endlessness of bitterness and nothing. Is this the hell religious scripts have talked about? I'm honestly not sure what is better. They say ignorance is bliss, but if so what does any of this even matters?"
"Maybe you keep forgetting because it's too much for you to remember, maybe you'll be in a wonderful place, so amazing that our simple mortal brains cannot wrap their way around it.” Kara leaned back against her hands. “Where you can eat as much as you want, access any book in the world, and meet all your loved ones. Maybe you'll finally be able to reunite with your mother? Maybe it's all worth it." Kara wasn't sure she believed it herself, but she wanted it to be true. Lena deserved to be happy, she deserved this, Kenny deserved this and so did her parents. When she was younger she often wondered about their existence and the afterlife, she tried not to dwell on it, reminding herself that there was nothing and she was stupid for thinking otherwise. Yet, she couldn't help but imagine a tiny house by the beach, not unsimilar to the one she'd spent a few weeks once on a vacation with her family, wishing they were having just as much fun as she had with them back then. She wished that for Lena too.
It was still the middle of a work day when she found that Lena's mother, Lillian Luthor, had received her letter. Kara felt like the floor was ripped beneath her feet, like her veins turned into ice, and like the whole world flipped upside down. That was it, once Lena found out, she would lose her for good. She wasn't ready, she couldn't do it.
Kara spent the next three days agonising in guilt and sorrow, she kept telling herself she just needed one more day, just one more. But time moved on, either ignorant or apathetic to the pain it was causing her. And before Kara knew it, it was Halloween.
Halloween was a big event in her little library. They had a proper party with a lot of decorations, thematic snacks and booze. She didn't think any of that was smart to do in a library, but Winn and Nia have assured her that the people who arrive there were usually the nerdiest people on the campus, and that the university even lended a security guy for the event. She wasn't about to disagree with traditions, plus, she had bigger things to worry about.
Because Kara was basically living in the library at that point, she got all the decorations done the day before the party. Since the library was closed until the evening, she decided to use it as her opportunity to say goodbye to Lena and tell her the news.
She thought it was fitting for Halloween and she also didn't want Lena to have to go through a memory crisis in the middle of a party. So, she would send her off, and then she could drown herself in alcohol later.
They have spent their morning lazily watching a movie that Kara couldn't focus on. Instead, she used the time to commit Lena's face to her memory, to burn it deep within her mind. If Lena noticed her staring, she didn't say anything.
It was a few hours before the party when they were rudely interrupted. Lena quickly phased through the bookcase behind them while Kara packed up her things. They were supposed to have more time.
"We thought we'd find you here," Nia said as she walked in. Kara really shouldn't have given her a spare key.
"We know you like it here, but we thought we'd give you some company and help you finish the decorations. Though it looks like you’re all done. Nice." Winn remarked.
She gave a small nod to Brainy who also walked in, carrying two big bags of various fabrics and props, most like their costumes.
"That’s… great. So great. I just um… need to call my sister. I'll be in the back room," she said loud enough so Lena could hear. "It will probably take a while, just so you know."
Kara took two lamps and entered the back room. Just to make sure she was not heard, she walked to the very end of the room. After activating the two lamps she could finally see the beautiful figure of Lena standing beside her.
"I'm sorry." She whispered. "I really thought we'll have more time."
"Kara, what do you mean?"
"Please just let me… I have some things to say."
"Okay."
"You are the best surprise I've ever gotten in my life. In one month you managed to turn my life around, by just being your amazing self. You made me laugh, cry, think and feel so many things that for the longest time I thought I was incapable of."
"You are capable of so much, Kara."
"I wasn’t finished." Kara swallowed hard.
"I'm not sure I want you to."
She held her gaze for a moment and took a step forward, unnoticeably knocking some boxes on her way. She really needed to organise that place.
Kara was right in front of her. Lifting her hand, she ran it partly through her face in an attempt to caress her cheek.
"You feel different," she noted. "Like you're slightly more solid." She ran a hand through Lena's and almost felt resistance.
Kara felt a sliver of hope. A very dangerous and potentially crazy one. Maybe if she wished it strong enough, or poured enough love into her, she would manage to revive her. Maybe that silly movie was right, and the power of friendship and love were strong enough.
"Kara what's this?" She pointed to one of the scattered boxes on the ground, but Kara didn’t care.
"I'm sorry about this, I promise I'll clean it up later." She didn't want to get her Hope's to high for such a silly idea but she couldn't help herself. The potential was too alluring.
"No Kara, what's this box?" She only then registered that Lena had not moved her gaze from that box since she noticed it.
"That? It's just the weird lost and found things." Kara waved at it dismissively.
"I thought they were at the front of the room."
"Oh these are the things that are just too weird or creep me out, so I kept them further away. I think there's a real human skull in there."
"Can you open it please?"
"In a minute Lena, I really want to finish what I have to say." Kara insisted.
"Kara please open it right now." Her voice was demanding this time, it reminded her of the time she told her to go hang out with her friends.
Kara was very confused and slightly hurt for having her deep emotions so blatantly shoved to the side, but she obeyed nonetheless.
"I need you to take that." She said pointing at the box.
"Take the box?"
"No, that glowing thing out."
Kara pulled out that odd looking device that glowed a really odd shade of green she found a month ago, it still freaked her out.
"Lena I really need to finish–"
"No Kara, I need you to take that and run to my old university lab. I'm not sure how long this thing will last, so please Kara I really need you to do this."
Kara felt as if she'd lost all sense of reality, she had no idea what was going on, but she wasn't going to go anywhere without a proper goodbye. "I will, I promise you I will I just have to finish–"
"Kars there's no time you have to go now!"
"I know, that's exactly why I need to–"
"KARA!" Lena shouted with urgency.
"What?"
"I'm not dead!"
"What?" Kara was completely lost.
“I could be wrong, but I remember, Kara.”
“Remember what?”
"That thing,” She pointed at the glowing device. “I think that's why I'm here. It was part of the machine I was constructing. Quantum entanglement… Oh my god, I’m such an idiot! It has a set area around it, built to calculate proximity errors. That's why I was able to walk around, and why I was limited in my space. How did I not figure it out sooner?"
"What are you talking about Lena? What do you mean you're not dead?"
"I'm basically half stuck in stasis, it's a long story. The short version is; I think I'm alive and I'm gonna need you to bring this thing to the lab and follow my instructions."
Kara had no idea what was going on, or what any of the words Lena just said meant, but if it meant Lena would be alive, she was happy to follow the plan. She nodded and picked up the device in her hand. It was odd to believe that this little thing could save them both.
" Now , Kara." Lena emphasised.
"Right, yes going." jumped and hurried out of the room. She left the back room in a haze and made her way out of the library.
"Kara? Where are you going? Is everything ok?" Winn asked as she passed him by.
Right, she had no idea where the lab was.
"Winn, I need you to come with me." her voice came out more commanding than she anticipated.
"Now?"
"Yes now! Come." She exited the library with Winn on her tail and headed to the university.
"What was that?" He asked as he looked back, his eyes seemingly locked in a death stare with a brick wall.
"What?" Kara really didn’t care, at that moment, she was a woman on a mission.
"I thought… I thought I saw something, nevermind. Where are we going?" He asked, confused. She couldn't blame him.
"I need you to show me the way to the lab that Lena Luthor worked in. The one that exploded."
"What? No no no no no, Kara, this place has been deemed a biohazard! they had to call a special group to come and sanitise it tomorrow."
That meant she had only a few hours to do whatever it was that Lena wanted her to do.
"Winn, you don't have to come in with me, but I need you to at least show me the way."
"Kara, it's a death sentence!"
"No, Winn, hopefully it's quite the opposite." She wasn't sure what Lena's plan was, and thinking about it, she wasn't sure how she was going to let her know about it. But the thought of Lena not being dead was like a fire lit inside her chest, filling her with hope and motivation she didn't know she had.
"Then I refuse to take you there." He stopped in place in protest.
"Fine. Then I will find it on my own." Kara kept on her quickened pace towards the university’s entrance. She was willing to scream for help in the middle of the most crowded area there if it could help, not caring how crazy people would think she was.
"Damn it Kara!" Winn called from behind her, and ran to catch up with her.
They made it to the lab area soon after, both trying to catch their breath from what could’ve been safely described as a crime scene. The area was completely covered in red tape, and warning signs to stay clear.
"See? Danger. We shouldn't go in there."
"What? No, I have to…" It couldn't be it, she couldn't just have hope and have it crushed so instantly.
"He's right, it could be dangerous." Lena said as she phased through a nearby wall.
Her own surprise to her presence was shadowed by Winn, who screamed so violently loud, he fell right on the bricked ground below.
"What the FUCK?" He pointed right at Lena’s translucent figure that was hovering next to her.
Kara ignored him for now, she promised herself she would explain it later, but she needed to save Lena first. "Then what do I do? You told me I need to go in there to save you." She addressed Lena.
"Not at the risk of your own life. I'd rather be actually dead this time than put you in danger. I think I can go in there, so I'll check if it's safe, and only then I'll let you know if you can come in, okay?"
"Okay,” Kara reluctantly nodded. “be safe."
"Don't worry I will. I need you to stand about ten feet to your left though, that way you'll be directly in front of the lab.
Kara nodded and moved. As she did, she noticed Lena was moving with her without moving her body, as if she was pulled on an invisible rope.
"I'll be right back." She promised as she walked inside the wall in front of them.
"Kara what the actual fuck? Was that Lena Luthor?"
Right, Winn.
"Um… yes." That was a complicated one to explain.
"How?" He asked, finally pulling himself up off the floor, his eyes still wide as saucers.
"I'm not really sure…" She muttered honestly, her gaze looking at the space Lena disappeared through.
Giving Winn a quick glance, it seemed as if he was struggling with his next question while dusting himself off. "Is she… is she a ghost?" He asked more quietly than before.
Kara opened her mouth to answer, unsure what to say.
"Not a ghost." Lena appeared through the wall. Winn found himself on the floor again. "It's safe to go in."
"What about the chemicals?" Winn asked, eyeing Lena with some fear as he crawled slightly backwards..
"Nothing dangerous inside, or at least not currently life threatening. There are some weird projects in there, though."
"Yours was the one that exploded!" Winn seemed to have gathered himself somewhat at least.
"That's fair.” She continued nonchalantly. “Anyway, follow me." Lena waved her hand for them to follow.
They entered a hallway full of large steel doors. Kara didn't have to guess which room they were heading to, it was the one covered in yellow tape around it, clearly stating 'Do Not Open’.
"Open up!" Lena shouted from behind her, the door in front of them cracked open.
"You are something else, Lena Luthor."
"And don't I know it, Jack." Lena smirked back at Jack as she made her way inside.
The lab seemed to have been only briefly cleaned. There were still clear burn marks on the walls, some were even scratched at places. The floor was filled with dust and small machinery parts scattered around the place. To the far right was a large machine with a large door that seemed to be held together by gaffer tape and strings. It made some odd sounds that reminded her of the kind she had heard in the library. Probably it was the exact one that caused most of them, she figured. Kara also spotted Lena's laptop on the desk next to Jack.
"I would really love it if someone explained to me what the hell is going on." She shared a similar feeling to Winn on that one.
"Is that the missing part?" Jack asked, pointing at the device in Kara's hands.
"How did you know?" It was Lena’s turn to be surprised.
"You told me the other day." He said with a hit of frustration, as if it was obvious.
"Jack, we haven't talked in more than a month, and I've never shared any details on my project."
"What are you talking about? You told me that two days ago."
Okay, so they were all confused.
"Later. For now do you know how to fix this?" Lena pointed at her machine.
"Yes! I told you I just needed that!" He pointed at the device.
She handed Jack the device and he was off like a storm. Lena walked around shouting instructions, while Jack insisted he knew what he was doing and Winn followed him around in an attempt to help, and probably understand what was going on. Kara simply stood at the entrance, her heart was hammering in her chest as she watched the chaos in front of her unfold.
She closed her eyes for a moment, praying for every god and deity in existence to make it work, to save Lena.
Jack was typing final words in the code when Lena disappeared.
“It’s alright, it should…” Jack trailed off. Instead of finishing his sentence, he pressed a final button and stepped back. "Please work. Please work. Please work…" She heard him mumble under his breath.
Kara crossed her fingers when she heard the loud humming of the machine, and joined him in his prayer.
The machine started accelerating, the hums of the machine becoming louder and faster while the lights around them went wild. The temperature rose as well which made Kara’s growing anxiety even worse.
As the sound of the machine slowed down, Jack rushed forward to open the machine's large door. A small figure had collapsed in his arms the moment it was opened.
Lena looked somehow paler than before, and slightly thinner, her eyes tired and her lips dry, but she was undoubtedly real and solid. Kara sprinted forward to help her stand, she caught her left hand and pulled just as Jack reached her right.
She still couldn’t believe her eyes. She was real, Lena was real. She was holding Lena.
With some difficulties it seemed, Lena managed to raise her gaze to meet Kara’s and offer her a small smile before her body went limp. Kara’s panic only slightly died down when she checked for her pulse and confirmed she was still breathing.
They immediately laid her down and raised up her legs while Winn ran to fetch some water. Lena woke up not long after much to their relief, but her eyes seemed unfocused and distant. She accepted the water and seemed to have drunk out of instinct, but other than that she seemed unaware of her surroundings.
"Can someone please tell me what's going on?" Winn asked again once they confirmed Lena was mostly okay.
“We can talk about it on the way to the hospital. Give me a hand?” Jack gestured to Kara towards Lena’s. She nodded without thinking, placing her hands around Lena to help guide her towards Jack’s car.
Kara only partly listened to Jack's explanation, she gathered it was related to Lena’s apparent teleportation machine she was building and her test that went wrong, but spent most of the drive holding Lena’s hand and caressing it lightly to provide some support.
Lena gained awareness just before she was brought into immediate care. She was tested and given fluids all the while holding Kara's hand, seeking her comfort wherever they went.. Kara didn't complain, if anything she was unwilling to let go herself.
“So, you tested a super experimental machine on yourself?” Winn couldn’t help but ask. Lena looked much better at this point, they were still in the hospital sitting patiently to get the final results and for Lena to be dismissed.
“In my defence I was awake for about a week straight and lived mainly on black coffee and stale granola bars, so my mind was far from sound when making that reckless and stupid decision.” Lena shrugged and took another swing of her water bottle.
“And then you hung around the library with Kara while Jack… what were you doing exactly?”
“Trying to figure out what happened,” he explained. “The police were not forthcoming with their details, so I was attempting to put more pressure on them by going online and having people talk about it. Then I got to meet this one’s mother,” he pointed at Lena, “Lovely person by the way – who offered me money to stop posting about her.”
“What did you say?” Lena asked, her guard raised up as if it was an instinct.
“I told her to fuck off and started my own investigation.” Jack continued nonchalantly.
“By breaking into her house?” Kara remembered Lena’s shock at seeing her hidden laptop.
“Yes, then hacking her laptop and faking a biohazard leak around the labs to keep people away as I attempt to fix whatever it was that went wrong with her invention. Although it wasn’t until I started attempting to fix the machine when Lena started randomly materialising next to it that I managed to talk to her and piece it all together. I knew there was a missing part, but Lena couldn’t remember where it was.”
"That's completely insane, Jack. But I owe you my life."
"Well, I've been recently told how amazing I am." He smoothed his hair back with an elaborate motion and a smirk.
"You really are, and I'm sorry I never told you that before."
“Ms. Luthor?” One of the nurses showed up, handing Lena the results of her test and assuring them all that she was healthy and well, but should get a good night's rest, eat a decent meal and drink plenty of fluids in the near future.
“So, where are we going?” Jack turned to Lena once they were back in his car. Kara was still holding her hand, she wouldn’t admit it, but she was afraid to let go.
"How clean is my house now, Jack?" Lena asked, her thumb slowly caressing over Kara’s.
"Um… it has seen better days, though I think your mother was there after I left, so who knows."
"Oh shit, my mother."
"Oh yeah, she did get the letter. I forgot to tell you." Kara gave her an apologetic smile.
"I'll need to get some stuff from there at some point but for now I'm definitely avoiding that place."
"You can stay with me?" Kara suggested quietly, only for Lena to hear.
“No, no, that’s fine. I can probably figure something out.”
“Lena, that’s more than okay.”
“Kara, you’ve done so much already, I can probably just find a hotel–”
“I insist, Lena. really, It… it would make me feel better if you stayed with me,” she confessed.
"Alright. I would… I would like that too. Thank you." Lena gave her a warm smile, making Kara’s cheek blush in response.
"You guys are cute." Winn commented and Kara couldn't help but smile.
Lena turned to her, she ran her free hand up Kara’s arm. Kara did the same savouring the touch beneath her fingers. Her skin was so soft and real, she was still afraid Lena might disappear at any given second.
They were both quietly walking into Kara’s apartment. Jack gave Lena a big hug before he left, and Winn promised to take care of the library for the night, leaving Lena and Kara alone for the first time.
They both took short showers, unwilling to be separated for too long, ordered some chinese food to eat while watching a film on her t.v and headed into bed.
“I’m gonna take the couch, but let me know if you need anything, anything at all, alright? I want you to feel safe and cared for.” Kara picked up a small blanket from her closet and started making her way outside of the room.
“Kara,” Lena called back, reaching her hand forwards towards her. “Stay.”
Kara wordlessly dumped the blanket on a chair nearby and crawled in her bed next to Lena. She kept a respectful distance at first, not wanting to overwhelm her friend. It was Lena who made the move, grabbing Kara’s hand making them both slowly move closer to each other until they were facing each other in the middle of the bed, their legs barely touching, yet Kara was heavily aware of any point of contact between them.
Kara raised her hand to cradle Lena’s face. It was an unconscious action at first, a need to feel it with her hand to make sure she was real. Lena on her part closed her eyes and savoured the feeling, pressing Kara’s hand with her own to keep it there. They were quiet for a moment, breathing in the moments and the softness of each other's touch.
“What were you going to say?” Lena broke the silence, her eyes slowly opening.
“Say when?”
“In the library. Before I interrupted you when I spotted the device.”
“Oh, it’s well… It's a bit embarrassing. I thought those were our last moments together.”
Lena said nothing, she only continued to study her face, waiting for her to continue.
Kara swallowed hard. She was tired – exhausted really – and she knew her courage back then was due to what she believed was Lena’s imminent demise. Looking at her face, only inches from her own, her hand still caressing her cheek, Kara summoned a different kind of courage. Not one saved for goodbyes, but one with the potential of a new beginning.
“I wanted to thank you. You appeared in my life in a very dark period of my life, I suppose I didn’t know the extent of it until you showed me by being kind, warm and lovely. You taught me so much about myself, about what I am capable of. How much love I am capable of.” She dared to meet Lena’s eyes, trying to convey her sincerity through her gaze.
“You deserve it all Kara. I suppose we learned from each other.” Lena flashed her a small smile. “I thought I was… you know. And I also thought I deserved that, that my life was leading me to this tragedy of mistakes and misfortunes, but knowing you, Kara, knowing you brought me so much hope. The kind I didn’t realise I was capable of. You also taught me a lot about who I am and what I could be, and now knowing that I could–” Lena closed her eyes to stop the tears that formed in her eyes.
Kara moved closer to wipe them away, touching her forehead to the other woman, needing to feel her closer.
Lena reached out and wiped a tear from her cheek. She was crying, of course she was crying but she couldn't care less, she couldn't stop the small smile that spread on her lips. That incredible woman was real, and she was right in front of her. Despite everything they thought, everything they've been through, they both made it. For the first time in a long time they both felt real and alive with a future full of possibilities.
"Kara, can I kiss you?" Lena whispered between them, reaching a hand to caress her cheek.
Kara wordlessly nodded.
Lena's lips were just as soft as she imagined, so delicate and full of warmth. The kiss was slow and emotional, mixed with tears and joy. They let themselves get lost in it, in the feelings and the touches they thought they would never get.
They parted away to catch their breaths, and it was as if a dam broke down. Weeks of pent up emotions, thoughts and feelings broken in an instance. Maybe even years if she was honest with herself. Lena’s sob tore out of her body, as the rest of the tears followed. Kara pulled her closer while her own tears fell down. They cried themselves to sleep, but woke up the next morning far lighter and refreshed. Exchanging soft kisses and smiles throughout the morning, Kara felt excited about her future in a way she hadn’t felt in a long time.
The weeks leading up to Alex and Kelly's visit had been a blur of changes in Kara's life. While Kara resumed her work in the library, Lena eventually returned to school, footing the hefty bill her invention's explosion had caused to appease the university's complaints about the damages.
Her regular hangouts with Nia, Winn, and Brainy progressed. She even hosted a game night for the first time. She'd become ecstatic when Lena and Jack were able to attend, able to join their weekly game nights ever since, integrating themselves perfectly in the little group that Kara felt privileged to be a part of.
"I'm proud of you," Alex said, her arm slung around Kara's shoulders.
"For what?"
"For growing up. For finding yourself. For scoring a girlfriend. Pick any of those. It's not what I expected for you, but if this is what makes you happy, then I'm happy for you."
"Yeah, who knew I just needed to open up first to let people in."
"I did, doofus. I told you."
Between the laughs and chaos of their usual game night, Kara glanced at Lena by her side. Lena raised an eyebrow in question, to which Kara answered by pulling her into a kiss.
“What was that for?” Lena asked her with a small smile.
“Just to make sure my ghost girl was still here.”
“I’m not a ghost, Kara.” Lena chuckled lightly and shook her head.
“Not anymore, I brought you back with the power of friendship.” Kara stated with a knowing nod.
Lena rolled her eyes in response. “You’re absolutely ridiculous.”
“Hey lovebirds, are you in for another round or what?” Jack asked, holding a deck of colourful cards in his hands ready to be dealt.
“Bring it,” Lena placed another kiss on Kara’s lips and straightened up. Her girlfriend was ever so competitive, Kara couldn’t help but smile looking at the determination in Lena’s eyes.
It was one hell of a journey so far, but surrounded by friends for the first time in life, Kara felt like she belonged.