Chapter Text
maybe it was only because the clouds started pouring over hyunjae’s head, but he couldn’t help but think—was it all his fault?
the tiny droplets of water that rained down on him like bullets ready for war, the drumming sounds of the thunder and storm against his ears, and the wafting scent of the broken earth that was freshly dug and soaked in petrichor.
lee hyunjae stared at the casket being lowered down into the ground; not moving a single inch, nor was he sobbing his heart out like his mother was. there he stood, just stiff, rigid, and complying.
he stared as the process of hyunjun’s death slowly and painfully resembled a proper grave. the tombstone was sat in place, and the ever-bright little brother that hyunjae had, was lying deep six feet under that very stone.
was it necessary to relive all the past memories piece by piece when someone else’s life was due? if it wasn’t, why was he replaying the excuses and promises they made that hyunjun would be discharged from the hospital? or the days when they spent time laughing away about matters outside of the hospital? or the hopes of hyunjun getting back onto his feet to pursue a lifelong dancing career?
this myriad of emotions that twisted his stomach and suffocated his lungs, had his brain wired for damage and stripped off his ability to think. It was just a few days ago when hyunjun felt like he was all better and getting ready to be discharged once and for all. now, he really got discharged, but it was toward the demise that fate had gifted him.
“hyunjun, we had a promise… remember?” hyunjae let out a wry smile. his mouth went dry as he croaked out the whispers drowned out by the rain. this inaudible denial dispersed into the swishing winds, scattering into loose earth; maybe only nature could hear his calls and grieve with his cries.
one by one, the abyss of black umbrellas began to fade under the rain, and even when his mother returned to the car, hyunjae remained rooted in front of the grave. slowly, as his brain worked hard to process the fact that he no longer had hyunjun; no longer had a little brother, hyunjae staggered back in denial. the evidence was solid and presented right in front of him, yet, despite all that, he chose to believe otherwise.
“wake up,” hyunjae whispered gently, heart so tender it felt as if it was about to burst out with blood drenching his insides. “hyunjun, wake up, alright?”
the lightning struck, and thunder sounded from the grounds, rumbling into hyunjae’s ears, as if responding to his cries—no, hyunjun wouldn’t be coming back. hyunjae remained punished under the storm that wouldn’t yield, wailing in turn for him, for the sobs that hyunjae couldn’t drain out of his system, for the cries that hyunjae couldn’t mentally process.
oh, nature was so kind to him, but what was the use of its comfort when hyunjae had lost everything? from the day hyunjae lost his companionship to the battles of the scions in lee juyeon’s mansion, the only thing he had truly ever lived for and dedicated himself to was hyunjun’s life. hyunjun, who was nothing but sweet, fragile and compassionate, talent to his bones yet life rotting him away. if it weren’t for hyunjun, hyunjae wouldn’t have gone head to head fighting for the dance captain’s position at school; hyunjae wouldn’t even have taken up dancing. everything he had, from the moment hyunjun was adopted, hyunjae had shared with the younger, because that was his baby brother, no matter by blood or not.
yet, his dearest loving brother had broken, and something began to crack from within hyunjae. maybe it was his heart, or maybe it was his love, maybe it was everything, or maybe it was the only thing hyunjae had left within those air-tight walls of his. the despondent air of the cooling night called out to his heart, planting seeds of winter, and turning his heart into frozen glaciers.
perhaps this was it; perhaps this was the end.
drowned out by the waves of torrent, hyunjae hears a nearing engine, headlights blurred out behind the rain. he hears the swoosh of an umbrella opening, and the car door clicking from a distance, turning his head to the lone sight of a black umbrella, hiding the face of a young man with highlights of blonde in his hair—eric.
so, word had finally reached the main family of the lee’s.
rapid pacings resulted in splashes, oxfords plunging into puddles with every step eric made to hyunjun’s grave. the soft grass bent under his oxfords, and his umbrella wavered against the storm. eric’s slacks were entirely drenched knee-down, and hyunjae turned his head blankly toward the uninvited guest.
it wasn’t his fault they forgot to contact one of hyunjun’s most beloved person, because they were forced to claim hyunjun’s body immediately after his death so they wouldn’t continue wasting and taking up hospital supplies they didn’t pay for. the process was so rushed that even hyunjae couldn’t hug hyunjun for a minute longer before they sent him off into the ground.
supposedly, they were doing all these while the main family of the lee’s were having a celebratory event in cheers of juyeon’s hefty achievements. eric shouldn’t have known for another day or so, but here he was, clad in an expensive suit so noble and ruined, his umbrella dropped to the ground with a faint thud. hyunjae watched as eric kneeled to the ground, hands beholding tremors as they reached out to the wet and darkened tombstone sat in place.
eric clenched his fists before he could touch the harsh reality of hyunjun’s passing. it wasn’t fair. he had promised to bring in a new game to play with hyunjun after the celebration today, so why was hyunjun six feet under where he couldn’t touch the buttons of the new console eric bought for him? the photo printed in black and white sat behind the glass etched into the tombstone, hyunjun’s name written under it, so clearly, so ghastly, so wretchedly gruesome.
“w-why?” eric’s lips quivered before the rough edges of the greying stone, hands on the impending nightmares about to befall and crush him under so badly they would suffocate him to death. maybe he would join hyunjun in a while just from a broken heart. did he even have the right to grieve when it was his sinful surname that brought calamity to the expiration of hyunjun's life? did he have the right to mourn for what he rightfully loved when he seemed to be the one who killed him with his bloodline and legacy? what else could he do, though, but kneel before the marring life of lee(heo) hyunjun, whom he claimed his lover and boyfriend?
eric’s heart hurt. it hurt, like someone was physically squeezing out his heart, like someone had dug out his beating heart with no anesthesia, like someone was constricting his arteries, clogging up the blood in his heart and waiting for his heart to rupture into failure. it hurt so much he could barely breathe right, hand clutching hard on his chest, fisting up and crumpling the expensive fabric he was donned in.
he wanted to cry and remain by hyunjun’s grave forever, and out choked the bawls and broken sobs that saw no end in the rain. in fact, it seemed to have rained harder, on the gloomiest woes of days to pass and come. hyunjae remained silent as he watched eric sprawled all over hyunjun’s tombstone, hugging it so dearly, so tenderly, so exasperatingly desperate, so achingly desolate. he envied eric, for being able to cry, for being able to release his bottled emotions, for not numbing himself till the pain he felt rotting his flesh and dissolving his bones. he envied eric, for being able to express his love.
gone were the days his resplendent smiles flashed so unconditionally. gone were the days his eyes sparked with light and joy. gone were the days he could continue living with so much strength.
the mourns he grieved with eric seemed imminent, but a week soon passed, and hyunjae was forced to return to school as usual, stuck in his routine as one of the model students; stuck in his recycling routine of being ruled under juyeon’s order. he had gone by the week barely eating even as his mother begged, even when his father came back early from work just to comfort him and give him the support he needed—none of it worked.
hyunjae dragged his feet across the halls he would usually take only a few minutes to sprint to his classroom as the first emerging victor from his childish competition with juyeon. but today, the length of the halls just stretched far and wide endlessly, counting down to ten minutes that hyunjae only made it halfway to his class. he wanted to just sit down and lay on the ground like he did for the past week in bed, heart chained up with bloodied emotions threatening to spill, feelings locked up with hundreds of keys to undo.
he was used to the whispers bypassing his ears, catching his name among gossips, and glaring back at them, but hyunjae felt too zoned out to even bother today. his feet finally found themselves to his class, and he plopped down in his seat, next to lee juyeon, who was declaring a smirk of triumph over how slow hyunjae was, probably to brag about his measly success that hyunjae hated yet again.
“what were you even doing for a whole week? caring for that dead brother of yours? i heard he discharged a week ago; a real shame—” juyeon started to mouth off just as he usually would to taunt and make fun of hyunjae, and of course, he just had to poke fun at his sore wounds, burning the iron on his skin, fortifying the anger and luxuries of pain.
yet, before juyeon could even finish his sentence, there came a stinging blow ringing his ears, bloodied his tongue with metallic taste, and purpling his cheek with a raging fury. lee hyunjae had just punched him, and did he punch him hard. juyeon bit back his anger, but his eyes immediately darkened, somehow hinted with a pleased tone.
hyunjae had never once punched him because his family held him shackled to the expenses of hyunjun and his fragile life support in the hospital, but now that hyunjun no longer stayed in the hospital, hyunjae’s true colours were shown, and very likely, juyeon took delight in his reactions. “that’s more like it.” juyeon laughed, snickering with glee as he said, “took you long enough to stop caring about that dead brother of yours to finally pluck up the courage and—”
then came another punch. this time, juyeon was distraught and confused, angry and annoyed even, at hyunjae for not letting him finish his sentence. but before he could speak again, hyunjaer hit him again, kicked him to the ground and got on him, fist to his face nonstop until the teacher came and got him off, fist to his face until juyeon’s nose broke and bled, till his cheeks were swollen, till his eyes were purple. funnily enough, juyeon couldn’t fight back this time, and their classmates could only watch in shock and horrification as they watched hyunjae beat the shit out of his supposed boyfriend; arch-nemeses.
the hyunjae who had seemed so fragile last time had him gripped dreadfully tight, and as if a weighing ton had pressed against him, hyunjae sat on him as he continued to hit him indifferently. his eyes were hazed, dimmed out, juyeon noticed. the corner of his lips were sunken, juyeon noticed. his face had gone rigid, stiff, and blanked out so terrifyingly numb that even juyeon felt the chills going down his spine.
this wasn’t the hyunjae he knew. it wasn’t the hyunjae he knew at all. wasn’t he supposed to look happier and harbour even more fight in his eyes now that hyunjun was out? just what happened in the past week that juyeon had missed out on?
“lee hyunjae, that’s enough! stop it!” their homeroom teacher barked out sharply as he slapped hyunjae across the cheek, and as if the slap had snapped hyunjae out of his daze, tears began to well up in his eyes, streaming down his cheeks when he finally broke out of the chains that weighed down his emotions, the feelings he was gatekeeping, the jarring and cruel reality he had to keep living in.
needless to say, juyeon was taken aback, mortified even, that hyunjae was crying when he was the one who got wrecked up like this. it was the first time in a long long while since he’s seen hyunjae actually cry. hyunjae never cried. never. whatever it was, whatever he had ever faced or gone through, no matter what, hyunjae would never cry, especially not in front of their classmates, especially not in front of juyeon. something, must have gone really wrong.
by the time juyeon was sent to the hospital, hyunjae had received an immediate expulsion from the school, under the orders of juyeon’s father, of course, who roared at hyunjae, at his parents for raising a good for nothing garbage who couldn’t be tamed or worthy to be made or even compete heir with juyeon. the incident blew up the forums, and no one really came to hyunjae’s defense, or even asked what really happened, because their school was tailored for perfection under the guide of lee juyeon. they were all supporters, of the ‘lee’s main family.
still, hyunjae had some real friends, which included younghoon, chanhee, and changmin, and the three of them would never turn their backs on hyunjae, fortunately, even if juyeon were to pester them or kick them out of school—frankly, juyeon couldn’t because they were all from upper-classed families. they all bombarded hyunjae’s phone with messages and calls to get him to reply, and even went as far as to visit his home, only to find it empty, because they had all moved away in a hurry, as if they were refugees on the flee.
there was no telling where hyunjae went, and it would remain that way until hyunjae decided to open up to them. they even tried to get something out of juyeon, who refused to say anything because he pride got the better of him and wouldn’t let him just admit that he didn’t know why exactly hyunjae lashed out. it was all a mystery, and with this, juyeon was finally cleared of his obstacles in obtaining the throne to his family, as his father wished, as his butler wished, and as he wished.
all he had rid of was lee hyunjae and his pesticidal family, and he couldn’t be happier, but when the door slid open with a chuck from eric’s visit in the hospital, lee juyeon spiraled into heartbreaks of ache and looming realities of his delusions.
”i can totally see why hyunjae hate you,” eric derided, accompanied by a self-deprecating laugh that juyeon could sense a hint of hatred from. the latter looked up at eric in confusion but decided to laugh it off, because who was lee hyunjae if he didn’t hate him?
”of course he’d hate me, eric. we’re both meant to hate each other. what are you on?” juyeon shook his head, and eric stopped peeling the apple in his hands, standing up abruptly as the screech from the wood frictioned off the hospital floors. juyeon could feel the weight of his words hanging heavily in the air as the oxygen in the room began to clump up into clusters of chaos, racking up the tension and colliding waves after waves in his heart. he held his breath as eric stared him in the eye, somewhat cold, somewhat indifferent, somewhat furious.
the dreading sense loomed over juyeon’s head, seeping into his skin and veins, making him breathe heavier, making him go dizzy with blood surging through his brain while his mind blanked out into spins of cluttered memories.
“it would be weird if he didn’t hate you, juyeon.” eric paused, forming a wry smile as he continued, “just like i do.”
the string went snap in juyeon’s mind. eric didn’t call him hyung. eric admitted that he hated him. just what had he done so wrong that he deserved so much hate?
”w-why?” juyeon stuttered. it was unlike him to stutter, unlike him to lose confidence, but it was becoming real. the hate—it was all real.
“hyunjun is dead,” eric whispered, clenching his jaw with reddened eyes, curling up his fists so tightly his nails swore to burn marks of blood into his palm. “just like you wanted him to.”
"what?" juyeon could swear that among all the victories embedded in his mind, none of them turned out as devastating and catastrophic as this one. he was supposed to be on cloud nine after hearing news of hyunjun’s death, but somehow, it burned from within, it strangled his neck, and it splashed cold reality onto him. hyunjun was dead. he was actually dead.
the guy he had made fun at to channel his entertainment from hyunjae was dead. the guy whom he had threatened to cut off life support to keep hyunjae in check was dead. the guy whom he wished to die so that hyunjae would focus on him more was dead. focus on him more? did he… did he really crave hyunjae’s attention that much? that couldn’t be true.
but if it wasn’t, then…
“hyung, stop lying to yourself already,” eric laughed dryly. “hyunjae hyung will never love you anymore—he won’t love you ever again.”
juyeon dreaded to hear those words, those icy spikes that poked through his heart like an icicle planning his death. the glass and mirrors that withheld all his delusions shattered upon the bullets eric rapped. everything came down in debris, mocking over his resistance to reality, laughing at his chimera of love and hatred, insulting his stupid and childish beliefs formed by his father and butler.
for the first time in his life, juyeon broke, simmers appearing to boil his blood slow and cook him into a dish served for the heightened society of filth. for the first time in his life, juyeon understood that his childish volume was never a match in front of hyunjae’s silent maturity. for the first time in his life, juyeon finally acknowledged the secret buried in the hearth of his heart.
for the first time in his life, juyeon understood that he had been in love with hyunjae, all this while, all this time, and it truly tore him apart when realisation exhibited the besmirched tragedies upon tragedies he had carefully crafted in the misguided name of love.
juyeon could never have prepared himself for a lesson learnt so jarringly torturous just to understand the significance of lee hyunjae by losing him, entirely.
years and years of endurance, years and years of affection, years and years of denial later, juyeon finally felt the meaning of the tears rolling down his cheeks. hidden behind opaque glass was the crystalling diamonds of love so hard, the carbon bonds broke from the chemical reactions of his dormant love. juyeon was a fool for not breaking the glass and hurt himself once just to get through to the love he was supposedly gifted.
“you deserve it. i hope you lose him forever, like how i lost hyunjun.” eric bit out bitterly spiteful. but it was only right, after all. because juyeon had wished upon hyunjun’s death, and finally separated lovers who were supposedly destined. juyeon had killed hyunjun.
maybe, hyunjae had successfully cursed him to his detriment, after all.