Chapter Text
There’s no blood on his lips now. Buck can’t feel Eddie anymore. He knew what the insides of Eddie were made of, but there was no blood on his lips this time. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why did Eddie decide that Buck could survive knowing Eddie was not by his side? He can’t understand what is happening. Brad is tackled to the floor, Hen rushes to Eddie, and Eddie smiles, and closes his eyes. Buck doesn’t know if he’s making noises only he can hear, or if they are hearing them too. No one has the time to focus on that. Buck sounds like a wounded animal. He’s thinking of Chris. God, he has to make the call. How will he explain what happened? How can he tell Chris his dad got shot trying to protect Buck? Will he ever forgive him? Will Eddie? Because Eddie will survive, Buck is sure of that. He looks at Eddie now. God, why does he look so beautiful..? he hasn’t looked so peaceful in months. But Eddie is not looking back at him anymore, and Buck's knees give out. He doesn’t understand much, he just knows there’s a darkness coming and he’s hoping that it’s Eddie taking Buck with him. ‘Wait for me,’ Buck thinks, ‘please wait for me, I won’t survive alone either way.’
Such a raging headache, Buck doesn’t know what’s happening. His head has never in his life hurt this much. He opens his eyes and sees Chim on the side of his bed. He’s in the hospital. Chim is looking ruff man.
“Hey, man. What happened?”
Chim is looking at him weirdly. Where is Maddie anyways? Wouldn’t she be at his bedside the moment she heard something happened to Buck? Hen and Bobby too. Edd-
Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.
Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.
Eddie, who took Buck’s bullet. Eddie, who took Buck’s heart and closed his eyes. Buck is aware he is yelling, he is aware that now the people he thought about are in his room all looking at him with concern in their eyes, but Eddie is not here.
Bobby is saying something that Buck can’t make out. Is he yelling too? Is he talking too slowly for Buck to hear?
“He’s still in surgery Buck, he isn’t gone yet, not yet.” Maddie is talking so slowly, he knows she is breaking a bit too because she knows if he was gone, Buck wouldn’t wait a minute before he followed.
They help him get up, his IV is done. He is good, he isn’t the one who got shot.
The doctors have been operating for hours he finds out. It’s risky he finds out. They need a kidney for Eddie he finds out. Buck prays to something he never believed in to make sure he is a donor. He needs it probably more than Eddie. But he is not. Ironic.
“We have called Mr. Diaz’s spouse. They are on their way. We will look if they are a match.” The nurse is saying, which is weird because Shannon has been dead for years.
“Shannon is dead.” He says.
“No, I’m not talking about Shannon, Mr-“
“I’m here!” someone is saying. A man, in his thirties probably. Long blond hair. He must be at the wrong OR.
“Mr. Jones?” the nurse is saying, “Mr. Diaz’s husband, right?”
“Yes, Evan Jones. How is Eddie?” There’s concern in his voice, Buck registers. But he thinks he is imagining this. Eddie isn’t married. He’s looking around and everyone is just as confused as him, except Bobby.
“Bobby, why aren’t you asking questions?” Hen says.
Bobby clears his throat, concern and hurt palpable in his face “It’s true. Eddie is married.”
Buck's heart clenches. He thinks he is hearing the cracks falling down. Eddie, his best friend, is married to a man, and he doesn’t know. Eddie, who got shot trying to protect Buck, who stared at him with a longing in his eyes before closing them, the same Eddie is married to a man? Eddie is single. Eddie is straight. How can he be married to a man? Buck is tasting fire in his throat. Eddie is married to a man named Evan, and Buck wants to die. How can Eddie do this to him? How can Eddie be so cruel, to take his bullet, and the love of his life away on the same day?
He is feeling betrayed. Eddie cheated on him. That doesn’t make any sense, because Buck and Eddie were never together, but they were Buck and Eddie. Buck is dating someone. Eddie is married to someone. Eddie is bleeding out and needs a kidney and Buck can’t give it to him. Apparently, Eddie has stopped taking what Buck offers.
It’s fine. Everything will be fine, as long as Eddie wakes up and explains things to Buck. He wanted to explain himself weeks ago but Buck didn’t let him. Can a heart stop breaking once it’s dead? Because Buck’s heart was gone the moment that bullet pierced Eddie, but he still feels pieces of it falling to the ground.
The nurse and Evan came back.
“Mr. Jones is a match. We will begin the procedure immediately. Mr. Diaz doesn’t have any time to lose.” The nurse is explaining.
Evan looks at him. He’s looking at him as though he knows him, as though he understands. He also seems apologetic.
“I know you are all confused, but I promise Eddie will explain. It’s not whatever you’re thinking. I just need to do this for Eddie, after everything he has done for me.” Evan sounds kind. He sounds genuine. As much as Buck wants to love him for wanting to save Eddie’s life, he hates him. He’s the Evan who Eddie has been spending his time with. He’s the Evan Eddie has married. He’s the Evan who gets to save Eddie. Buck wants to throw up. Has this Evan taken Eddie forever?
They leave and Buck is left with his family. They are all looking at him, they don’t know what to say or do. Bobby speaks first “I can see the wheels turning in your head Buck, but please wait for Eddie to explain. I promise he will. And you will understand.” Bobby sounds scared as if he isn’t sure that Eddie will make it to explain. He is doubting Eddie’s ability to come back to Buck. Because Buck knows no matter what happens, no matter who comes into their lives, Eddie will find his way back to Buck. Buck has never had to doubt that, and he won’t start now.
After the longest hours of Buck's life, the doctor finally comes out. Buck can feel himself stop breathing, he just needs a sign to continue, but he cannot read the doctor's eyes. Please, give something away, please, he begs.
“There were some complications during the surgery,” he stops and breathes. This is it, Buck can’t feel his fingers anymore, but the surgeon continues as though he read Buck’s mind, “and we had to account for Mr. Jones' disease, but it was successful. We are not out of the woods yet though. Mr. Jones is doing better so he will be placed in a normal room, but we need to keep monitoring Mr. Diaz in the ICU. The first 24 hours are critical and we cannot make any promises yet. If there’s anyone from his family who needs to be here, please inform them. I’m told you’re his power of attorney, Mr. Buckley, so every decision from now on needs to be taken by you.”
Buck knew it wouldn’t be that easy. He knew the universe hated him and was trying to take away his Eddie, but Buck didn’t have the strength to stand on his feet, let alone think of a future where Eddie was only a nasty filthy memory of everything he lost. He has to be the one who calls Chris. He has to be the one who says that his dad is fighting to stay but the odds are against him. He has to be the one to tell Chris to come home because there’s the possibility that the last of his parents is leaving too.
How can Buck do that to Chris? His Chris, who Bucks loves as though he was a whole entity on his own. He has been so broken by his absence, and he would never compare himself to Eddie, but he thinks he is losing himself without Chris here too. Maybe Chris will come home, say goodbye to his dad, and leave again. Buck knows he could never survive without the two pillars who keep him alive. But Buck would fight for Chris. Eddie has put this unimaginable faith in him, and Buck will fight to his last breath to honor it. He knows it doesn’t come easy for anyone, let alone Eddie, and he is so blessed to be on the receiving end of his trust and loyalty.
He gets a plane ticket for LA and he calls Helena because she needs to prepare Chris before Buck breaks the news. Chris understands the moment he hears Buck’s voice. He understands and Bucks sees in his mind tears rolling down Chris’ face. Chris understands and is coming home. He’s staring at Eddie. ‘Wake up’ he’s thinking. ‘Our Chris is coming home, you can be yourself again. We can be Buck and Eddie again. Just wake up.’ Eddie doesn’t. His room is so loud, all the beeps from the machines, and all the cables, and Buck feels like they are choking him.
He falls asleep looking at Eddie. He hopes this isn’t the last chance he gets to hold Eddie’s hand. He prays he can hear his name in Eddie's mouth again.
Maddie, ever so gently, touches him and speaks softly “Evan, honey, Alex, Eddie’s – Mr. Jones’ middle name is Alex, that’s what Eddie calls him. He has woken up and wants to talk to you.” Maddie is looking at him with so much love and worry in her eyes, but he’s still choked up at the fact that Alex is Eddie’s something.
“Why Mads? What could he possibly want more from me? He already took everything.” Buck says while looking at Eddie.
“He hasn’t taken anything, Evan. You haven’t lost anything. Nothing could take Eddie from you. Let’s just hear him out.”
Alex is talking to Bobby, there’s worry in his eyes. No matter how much Buck wants to hate him, he can’t. Alex saved Buck’s Eddie.
“Uhm, Hi.” Buck says.
Alex looks at him fondly. Buck remembers the surgeon saying they had to account for Alex’s disease while in surgery.
“Buck, right? The reason Eddie has refused to call me by my name ever since he choked up when he heard it?”
For the first time in more than two weeks, Buck smiles. Eddie has never called Alex Evan, because Buck is still the only Evan Eddie knows.
“I know you have questions, and I know you might hate me a bit, but when Eddie wakes up, he will answer your every question. He wanted to tell you yesterday either way.”
“I could never hate you. You saved him.” Buck hopes his smile reaches his eyes when he says this. Because it is true, it’s just that a smile was enough for the day. He can’t smile again until he looks at the most important brown eyes in his life.
“He saved me first,” Alex says with a genuine smile. “We are married, yes, but it’s only on paper. I met Eddie three weeks ago at a bar. He told me I looked like he was feeling. We talked. I told him I was sick, laid off from work, couldn’t afford insurance, and would probably be homeless soon so I wouldn’t really mind if the ugly wall fell on top of me. He made it his mission to fix it. He kept saying it was selfish because he just wanted to feel useful, and the worst thing was that he believed it. He genuinely believed he offered to marry me so I could use his benefits for selfish reasons. I couldn’t figure it out how can someone be so so good but hate himself so much.”
Buck doesn’t know how to answer. What to answer. What could ever be enough to explain Eddie, Buck wonders.
“Whenever we talked, it was always Buck Buck Buck. He refused to talk about his son even though it was gnawing at him, but talking about you came easy to him. ‘Not telling Buck is killing me’ or ‘Whenever Buck looks at me I feel like I need to throw up’ or ‘His boyfriend doesn’t deserve Buck. No one really deserves Buck.’” Buck feels pain through his veins. Alex continues talking “It’s weird really how he never mentioned your boyfriend's name. it was always just ‘Bucks boyfriend’.” He finishes with this never-ending smile.
Buck doesn’t know where to put this information. He just nods and leaves because he can’t handle being in the room any longer. Bobby was looking at him, Alex was looking at him, Maddie was looking at him, and every eye in the room was on Buck, but the only ones important were closed.
It’s been almost 24 hours since Eddie’s surgery. There haven’t been any complications yet, but Eddie's brow is furrowed and he doesn’t look comfortable. Buck wants to kiss his worries away. But Buck has a boyfriend he doesn’t love, and Eddie is married to a man. Maybe Eddie is straight because his marriage exists only because Eddie is so selfless, Eddie is so good. Eddie was breaking in front of Buck’s eyes, and Buck let it go. He was trying to make it work with Tommy when nothing was there really. Tommy doesn’t care much about anything. Tommy doesn’t feel like throwing up when he’s hiding things from Buck. Tommy doesn’t think Buck deserves better, otherwise he would try more. Buck has known he is in love with Eddie for months, and that is the reason why he let Eddie pull away. He thought maybe he could get over Eddie. The thought still hurts his heart. He never wants to get over Eddie. No one should get over Eddie. Eddie deserves everything, and Buck stopped giving it to him. Eddie still never blamed Buck. At least from Alex’s words, he never stopped caring about Buck. He cared too much, Buck thinks. More than he deserves. He still can’t imagine why Eddie would choose Buck over himself.
Does Eddie hate himself so much, or does he love Buck in ways he can’t begin to explain?
There’s ruffling outside the room.
He hears crutches and a tiny high-pitched voice, and he closes his eyes and exhales. He doesn’t know how long it has been since he exhaled. Chris left, took both Buck’s and Eddie’s hearts with him, and Buck let Eddie go. He let Eddie fight his demons alone. Buck is so selfish; he doesn’t think he could ever deserve Eddie.
The door opens and Chris walks in, worry palpable in every feature of his face.
“Dad…”
Buck is hugging and kissing and smelling Chris. Missing Chris became something he never thought he would have to experience, he didn’t even know he could feel so much for anyone.
“Buddy, I know it looks bad, but I promise you, he’s there. He’s still fighting for you, he’s still not giving up.”
“It’s my fault. I left and I wanted to let him think I didn’t love him anymore. I wanted to hurt him, and I know I did. He had no reason to come home anymore.” Chris sounds so tiny, so hurt, so scared.
“Buddy… you’re not to blame here. He never gave up on you, he never stopped wanting you to come back. He didn’t blame you for a minute. You did hurt him, yes. But this is not your fault Chris.” Buck pauses. He doesn’t know how much of the truth Chris can handle, he doesn’t know how much Chris will hate him when he finds out, especially if it’s from someone else. “Chris… your dad got hurt trying to protect me.”
Chris looks at Buck, there’s worry in his eyes, and the tears stop for a second.
“I know, Buck.” Chris smiles. “There’s only one time when Dad would decide I would be good even if something happens to him. Of course it’s you, Buck.”
Buck feels tears reach his eyes. He hasn’t let himself cry, because he can do that later. Chris saying that he knows his dad would choose Buck over himself makes Buck weak. He needs Eddie to open his eyes. He needs to see color in Eddie's face again. But Eddie doesn’t open his eyes, and Buck runs for the door. He broke down once in front of Chris, and he can’t do that to Chris again. Maddie guides him outside and Helena steps inside the room where Eddie and Chris are together. She tried to take them both from him, and he doesn’t know she won’t try again. He just needs one minute of cold air piercing his face.
He opens his phone for the first time since yesterday and sees a couple of messages from his boyfriend. ‘Hope Eddie is okay.’ and ‘How are you holding up?’ and ‘You can answer your phone, you know.’ Buck feels nothing but anger. Eddie, his Eddie, has been fighting for his life, and Tommy is mad because Buck didn’t respond to his texts. Buck has been trying to make it work for so long, that he let Eddie go for it, and he can’t even blame Tommy. It’s his own fault.“Don’t text me again, please. I’m thankful for the time we spent together, but this isn’t going anywhere. I wish you the best.” That’s a lie. Buck regrets every second he spent with Tommy while Eddie was slipping away from his fingers. He can’t tell his ex-boyfriend that though. He presses send and blocks the number.
There’s a weight lifted off his shoulders and he looks at the sky. He’s begging whatever is up there (if there is something up there) to give him Eddie back. “I will never ask for anything else again, I swear. Just don’t take him from me. I won’t survive it.”
As he’s making his way inside, he hears Helena try to convince Chris to go outside. She’s still trying to keep them apart. Eddie has gotten so used to her, he doesn’t try to fight anymore. Buck knows all about parent issues, but how cruel can someone be to do this to Eddie?
“No, grandma. I want to stay. Dad can wake up. I want him to know he is not alone.”
“It’s not your responsibility to take care of your dad sweetie. When he wakes up we can come again. It won’t any do any good to you or him to stay here.” Helena says, and she notices Buck trying to enter inside “Besides, Buck is here, he can take care of Eddie, it’s the least he can do,” She says. The words sound cruel in her mouth.
“I can take care of Eddie for the rest of my life, but Chris will be there with me.” Chris is looking at him longingly, “you don’t have to go anywhere buddy, I’ll stay here with you. We will make sure he isn’t alone, together.”
“And who do you think you are, deciding for Chris? It’s your fault Eddie is on this bed.” Helena mutters.
“Chris, buddy, can you go outside just for a minute, and I promise you, I will bring you inside again.”
“I know Buck,” Chris says and walks outside.
He fixes Helena with a stare, “Eddie trusted me to take care of Chris if he couldn’t. He knew I would fight tooth and nail for Chris, and so should you. Eddie took whatever you threw his way, but I am not Eddie. I will not allow you to separate them again,” he angrily spits out, and before she can reply he continues “Yes, I am the reason he is here. He got shot trying to protect me. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to pay him back. Don’t forget though, Eddie took two bullets because of you, because of how you made him feel. He may have forgiven you, but I won’t, and as long as I’m on my feet, Chris will be my responsibility and mine alone. Eddie made sure of that years ago because he knew what you would try to do.”
He walks out before she can reply anything and finds Chris sleeping on the seats. He looks so tiny, so innocent, so lovable. He takes Chris in his hands, for the first time in years, and they make their way back to the room. Chris wakes up but Buck reassures him that he can sleep, he is near Eddie, and Chris trusts him. Buck falls asleep too. He is so tired, so drained, even though a 14-year-old is on top of him and he is sitting in an uncomfortable hospital chair, he falls asleep.
Ruffling. He hears ruffling. He looks in his arms and Chris is still asleep, thankfully. He looks at Eddie and Eddie is looking back at him, there’s a smile on his face.
Eddie is looking back at him.
EDDIE IS LOOKING BACK AT HIM.
Before he can say anything, Eddie puts his fingers on Buck’s mouth, “Not yet, let him rest a bit more.” Eddie mouths. Buck feels tears down his face. He can’t scream, he can’t talk, he is looking at Eddie and Eddie is looking back at him, and their Chris is near them, and he cries.Eddie is touching his face so gently. Eddie isn’t in pain anymore. Eddie fought back for Chris. Eddie is back. They stare at each other for so long, that if someone else was in the room it would be weird. But they are Buck and Eddie. They are always looking for each other even when they look everywhere but at each other.
“DAD!” Chris shouts and is in Eddie’s arms before either can react. That must hurt Buck realizes, and as he’s trying to remove Chris, Eddie stops him. For the first time in months, there is a genuine smile in his eyes. How can Buck deny him it?
“I’m here mijo, I am so sorry for scaring you. I missed you so much.”
“I missed you too dad, I am so sorry for leaving. I love you so much, I was so scared, but Buck was here.” Chris says in one breath.
Eddie is looking at Buck with so much love, Buck struggles to stand up.
“I know buddy. I know Buck took care of you. He is your Buck.”
“He isn’t just my Buck, dad.”
“No, mijo, he isn’t,” Eddie says, and there’s sadness in his voice. He doesn’t look at Buck again, and as much as Buck mourns it, he excuses himself to inform the nurse.
He texts the 118’s group chat. It’s late, they are probably asleep. “Eddie woke up. He is okay.” They immediately respond, and it swells Buck’s heart. Eddie has so many people caring for me and he was ready to leave everything behind for Buck. How could Buck ever amount to that?
“Mr. Diaz is calling for you Mr. Buckley,” the nurse says as she comes out of the room. Buck stands in the doorway, looking at his whole heart while they hug each other. This is all he needs to survive.
“Chris, can you find your grandma and tell her I’m awake, please?”
Chris nods and is out of the room.
Buck is staring, he knows he is. He just needs to make sure Eddie is breathing, he needs to count the seconds between his breaths.
“Spit it out, Buck,” Eddie says, but this time there’s no anger in his voice.
“Why?” Buck sounds weird, he doesn’t recognize his voice, “Why Eddie?”
“I have your back, you have mine.” Eddie easily says, and Buck gets irritated because that is not all this is. There’s more, but Buck can’t find the words.
“What happened? Did you get hurt? Are the others okay?”
“Yes, Eddie. Everyone is okay.”
“You?”
“How can you ask me that? You decided I could live in a world without you by my side and closed your eyes. How can I ever in my life be okay again?”
He shouldn’t talk about this now, but if he doesn’t, he’s afraid the words will strangle him to death.
“What happened while I was out?”
“We met your husband, Eddie.”
Eddie, for the second time in his life Buck registers, looks scared.
“You needed a kidney and no one was a match—well no one apart from your husband. Can you begin to imagine how I felt when I couldn’t even give you that?”
“Stop calling him my husband. Is… Is Alex okay?”
“Yes, Eddie. He did not have any complications. And he told us the bulk of what happened. We know, Eddie.”
Eddie looks tiny. He looks afraid.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie mutters so quietly, if Buck were an inch away he might have missed it.
“You’re sorry for saving two lives? Honestly, Eddie, how can you be so huge but belittle yourself so much?” Buck sounds so tired, “stop trying to make yourself fit in these boxes you have created Eddie, you are so much more.”
“You’re making it sound more noble than it was.” Eddie dismisses.
“Eddie, you got married to someone so that they could use the benefits from your job, you gave someone a home, and you sacrificed yourself for me. That is not noble, Eddie. That’s more than anyone would think of doing. You are so much more Eddie, knowing you is a privilege I am thankful for every day.”
“Even after how I treated you for weeks?” Eddie still sounds so tiny, it’s making Buck itch.
“Eddie, your only mistake was deciding I could live without you. Because I can’t,” Eddie opens his mouth to say something but Buck continues “you are the most important person in my life, and it was my own fault for trying to convince myself otherwise. You’re everything, Eddie.”
“I don’t think your boyfriend would appreciate those words. He might misunderstand,” Eddie is trying to stay cool, he doesn’t want Buck to know his words feel like poison down his throat.
“I don’t care what he appreciates Eddie. Good thing he’s not my boyfriend anymore.”
Eddie stares at Buck for so long, Buck would get self-conscious if it was anyone else.
“I’m sorry. I know you liked him.”
“I’m not, Eddie. I liked him because he reminded me of something I can never get. I liked him because I could pretend I wasn’t in love with you. I liked him because he made it easy.”
“I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but isn’t that a bit far? Isn’t it a bit cruel?”
“Why is it cruel, Eddie?”
“Because you don’t lie, Buck. You never do. And lying in a hospital room to make me feel better is cruel, no matter what your intentions are.” Eddie looks everywhere but at Buck, and Buck can’t handle another second of not having Eddie’s eyes on him.
“It’s not a lie, Eddie. My life begins and ends with you. You are all I know, and I don’t want to know anything else. I have been in love with you ever since I breathed for the first time, I think. I just didn’t know then. And then, I met you and I still didn’t know. Not until some other guy came around and I felt threatened that he would take you from me.” Eddie’s face is so soft, Buck can’t stop, “you got shot trying to save me and all I could think about was how this time I couldn’t taste your blood. You looked at me with so much love and closed your eyes, and all I could think was how you took my whole life with you. I passed out and I thought it was you calling after me. I woke up, remembered what happened, and screamed so loud, they almost had to sedate me again. I was told I wasn’t a match, I couldn’t give you a part of me, and that killed me. You had already given me your whole life years ago and I didn’t recognize it for what it was. I was told you were married to a man and I mourned the life I can never have with you even after you wake up. I was told that it wasn’t a real marriage, it was you trying to make sure no one else feels what you felt, and I thought about how I let you back away when you were begging for someone to stay. I was told you felt sick because you lied to me, and I thought about all the months that I had been doing it and wanted the ground to swallow me whole.”
Eddie is crying, and so is Buck.
“Buck-“
“I love you, Eddie. I am in love with you. I will spend the rest of my life regretting that I didn’t wait for you, but I hope you allow me to spend it by your side.”
Buck is quiet now, and so is Eddie. He hasn’t said anything yet, and Buck can recognize rejection for what it is. He can’t feel bad though, Eddie has already given him so much. As he stands up to leave, Eddie catches his hand.
“How can I be anything other than desperately in love with you Buck? How can you still doubt it? I was born loving you and I will die doing the same.”
Buck closes his eyes and for the first time in his life, there is no thrill in his body. For the first time in his life, he doesn’t want to be anywhere else. For the first time in his life, he feels at home.
“I know you did it because you are selfless and incredible and a living martyr, but you will get divorced. I will give Alex my loft, and we will find him a job. We can never pay him back, but he is a part of our family now, so you don’t have to feel bad about it. We will take care of each other.”
“Buck… I can never look at him again. I ‘tried’ to save his life, but I took his kidney. What kind of person does that make me?”
“He said you saved him first. And he was right Eddie. We will always be indebted to him, true, but you are the reason he had the chance to do it. He did it without a second thought because of you Eddie. Can’t you see? You make everyone better, Eddie.”
“What about us, Buck? What will happen to us? We aren’t ready for this commitment Buck. You are the most important person in my life, I cannot afford to lose you too.”
“You will never lose me. The world can stop but I won’t ever stop loving you. Don’t you get it, Eddie? I am here because you are here. I was born with you roaming inside my veins. A world without you in it isn’t my world.” Eddie takes Buck’s hand and interlinks their fingers. “I know this isn’t healthy, I know this may be sick, but I begin and end with you Eddie. That will never change.”
“I don’t know how I can deserve you, Buck.” Buck wants to protest, but he knows Eddie needs to let it out too. “I don’t know how I can deserve you, but I will spend all my life feeling thankful for every decision that I took that led me to you. You don’t understand Buck. I didn’t have a life before you. Chris was my only driving force.
Meeting you made me me. Being in your orbit made me me. You deciding that I was worth your time and devotion made me me. There isn’t a moment in my life where I felt safer and happier than being inside our home, with you and Chris on my side.”
Eddie brings Buck’s hand to his lips and places a gentle kiss, and Buck can swear this is the only peck of lips on his skin that have ever mattered. He feels a burn in the place where Eddie placed his mark. Icarus, Buck thinks. Icarus knew that the higher he went, the more he burnt. But the burn was good—Icarus was already born with fire pulsing through him, and the closer he got to his Apollo, the more he burned, but he embraced it. Buck does too. He embraces the burn because it’s the first time in his life he feels alive. He embraces the burn because it’s given by Eddie. Eddie, who is looking at him with an intensity it’s making Buck squirm. Eddie, who decides he wants to burn Buck some more and grabs him until he feels their breath become one. Eddie, whose lips find Buck’s, and Buck feels the fire shut down. Did Icarus feel like this? Did the fire inside Icarus ever subside? Was Icarus lucky enough to taste the breath that was inside Apollo and make it his own? No, Buck thinks. No one is luckier than Buck, because no one has had Eddie.
Icarus may have burned falling down, but those were the moments when he felt most alive. Maybe the only important moments of his life. Icarus’ tragedy was that he burned alone. The heroes of this story burn together. Getting closer to Eddie doesn’t hurt Buck, it saves him. There is no fall, there is no tragedy. Buck and Eddie met each other. Buck and Eddie fought death. Buck and Eddie embraced each other. Everything else stops, because Buck and Eddie are in each other's arms, and their Chris enters the room and looks at them with love and calmness in his eyes. He knows, maybe, that this time he got everything he could ask for. His parents found each other again, and no matter what happens when they leave this room, Chris knows that nothing will ever change that.