Chapter Text
“3…2…1…Live.” The meeting recorder said as he adjusted the webcam on his laptop. He leaned back and looked at the camera. “This is Linus McDowell, UN Secretary-Staffer. I am conducting a series of interviews with the Nations on their lives for record-keeping.”
The brief UN meeting had come to its conclusion, but since everyone was all together, Mr. Meeting Recorder decided that it would be perfect to conduct some interviews for a special UN history project.
He turned to the empty seat and made a motion for the first nation to take a seat. A redheaded woman popped up and took a seat at the table.
“Please introduce yourself, for the records.”
“My name is Caragh O’Shea! I’m the Republic of Ireland!” The redheaded lady said with a beaming smile.
It was much the same for the other nations that took the seats.
“My name is Matik Godec, I am the Republic of Slovenia.”
“I am Ludwig Bellerschmidt. Federal Republic of Germany.”
“I am Wang Yao. People’s Republic of China.”
“I am Erika Lillie Vogel, I am the Principality of Liechtenstein.”
“My name is Andrej Petrovik, I am the Republic of Croatia.”
“Arthur Kirkland.” He paused to sip some tea, “I am the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland.” From behind the camera, there came some scattered boos and hisses.
“Pipe down you louts! He asked for my name!” England said with a scowl.
--
[Question: Are there any major differences between your bodies and a human’s body?]
Estonia adjusted his glasses. As he held a Doctorate in Medicine, he was one of the few nations with an in-depth understanding of anatomy (He had attended medical school in Leningrad during the 1970s. While he was more focused on computer technologies nowadays, he kept up his knowledge and certification.)
“Well, in most cases, no. Humans and Nations, we’re basically identical physically. This discounts any minor differences, such as unusual eye colors or differences in height.”
He paused before continuing, taking a moment to sip some provided water.
“Another major difference is how we handle things like colds. Nations tend to get sick during periods of economic trouble, we can be injured normally, but we tend to heal faster than a human would.”
He continued, “For example, last year, Slovenia broke his arm. His healing only took around two weeks, compared to the months it would take a human to heal.”
-
China was now seated in the chair.
“Yah, as one of the oldest nations, there’s moments I experience similar pains that elder humans experience. Aches, pains when I’m doing heavy work, things like that…” China paused to sip some tea before continuing. “But in general, despite the fact I’m over 4,000 years old…I still feel young and spry!”
“Didn’t you break your hip last week Sensei?” A voice sounding like Hong Kong said off camera.
“Aiyah! Don’t mention that!” China said, flustered, “I-I’m still young and spry! Just watch!”
[Interviewers note: China tried to demonstrate a rather difficult kung-fu move, “The Swift Falcon”. He promptly ended up pulling a muscle in his back and had to be taken to the emergency room]
--
Belgium was now seated in at the table, alongside Liechtenstein.
“Us nations do experience similar periods of growth to humans. We tend to remain in these growth stages longer than humans however.” Belgium explained, “We stay children longer, we tend to be frozen at a young adult age once our nations develop.”
Liechtenstein nodded in agreement. “I may look like I’m only a teenager…but I’m actually almost 300 years old.” She giggled lightly before continuing, “However, as it would be inconvenient to live as an eternal child, I legally am considered 18 years old in terms of finances and government recordkeeping.”
“And of course, Miss Hungary is-“
The video cut off. In its place was a piece of paper with a note on it.
[Interview Note: Miss Hungary “Insisted” I cut any mention of how old she is. She made it clear a cast iron frying pan to the skull hurts…]
“-She’s still a “bombshell” as Mr. America would say!” Belgium finished. Liechtenstein nodded in agreement.
--
[Question: Do nations ever develop serious illnesses such as cancer?]
Estonia was back in the chair.
"As far as we've all known, it's never happened. Nations that do such things that would exacerbate those cases seem to never develop signs of any serious illnesses. Although I'm pretty sure America has developed diabetes from his strictly hamburger diet."
-Cut to American in the chair, eating a McDonald's Burger-
"I do not have that bro...doesn't even work like that. Y'all just jealous of my dad bod." He said as he munched on the burger.
[Question: Do female nations…do they also have to manage a monthly cycle?]
Belarus glowered at the camera.
[Caption card: Belarus threatened the Interviewer with a knife…I’m very concerned for my safety.]
-Camera cuts over to Hungary in the same spot-
Hungary nodded, “Yes, surprisingly we do indeed have periods. It’s usually around the same age range that human females have theirs. Since we age slower, it’s just something we deal with. Although it doesn’t seem to correlate to anything as us getting colds does.” She shrugged, “I guess it’s just the same reason humans have periods.”
She paused to drink some coffee and giggled. “Oh boy, you should’ve seen Roderick when Dominika got her first one. I think she threw him through a wall!”
[Info card: Roderick is referring to Mr. Austria. Dominika is referring to Ms. Czechia]
--
[Question: Who is your favorite sibling?]
Ireland chuckled, “I cannae pick between my brothers. They’re all just wonderful in their own ways." She sighed as she thought about them. "...Scottie’s a big ol’ bear when it comes to lookin’ out fer his wee sister. Wales is just a great listener an’ a hard worker. Fergus’ got that feisty personality, and little David, ah he’s growin’ so fast….”
[Info Card: John MacTavish-Kirkland is Mr. Scotland, Wales is Mr. Rhys Kirkland, Fergus Kirkland is Isle of Man, David Kirkland is Mr. Northern Ireland]
[But don’t you have another sibling?]
“Oh aye, Artie. He’s…well he’s Artie.”
-
“SHE SAID WHAT?!” England slammed his hands on the table.
[Mr. England, please calm down and answer the question.]
England sat back down and brushed his lapel.
“Well, I don’t pick favorites from my siblings. It’s hard enough being the most responsible one out of all of us…”
[Didn’t you once set a building on fire? And sink a boat? And-]
“There examples of a…minor miscalculation…anyways I guess I like Wales the most, he’s at least not a hyperactive one…nor does he wake me up with bagpipes.”
-Camera changes to Scotland in place of England, rolling with laughter-
“Oh that’s a good one…one time Artie ha’ a wee bit much to drink at the pub…so I rerouted an entire procession o’ nearly fifteen Pipe and Drum corps to march past his place up ta’ Edinburgh. HAHAHAHAAA…..he was bloomin’ mad! It was brilliant I say…”
-Camera cuts back to England-
“See what I mean…” England said with a scowl. Scotland could still be heard laughing off camera.
-
“Romano’s my favorite sibling! He’s just so shizzy!”
“I’m-a your only brother you mammalucco!” Romano retorted angrily.
“Now now Romano, let’s not get angry, your veins pop out when you get mad.” Italy said, just as Romano grabbed him by the shirt collar.
“If we weren’t on camera right now I’d!-”
The camera cuts to Seborga, San Marino, and Vatican City sitting at the table. Offscreen, Romano and Feliciano can be heard arguing.’
“They seem to forget we exist sometimes.” San Marino said with a scowl. “And for the record, Seborga is still our brother regardless of him being recognized.”
Seborga nodded, “I’ve always kept my head down, but I equally like all my siblings!”
“I’ve always been the “old man” of the Peninsula,” Vatican City explained, “…so I feel they do at least take my advice into account.” He gestured to his clerical collar, “Of course, most nations do seek me out for advice from time to time. I am but a humble servant of the Lord.”
-
“Dude! It’s Canada for realizes!” America said with a grin. “Homie always has my back; we’re out there getting into all kinds of mischief.”
“Even when I just want to enjoy some pancakes…” Canada said with a sigh.
“Oi Guv! You can’t forget about the Ozzies and Kiwis!” Australia said as he locked America into a playful headlock. America started laughing as the camera cut off.
-
“I must admit my brothers Hesse and Bavaria are all equally supportive of me.” Germany said, as he held up a photo of the three of them at work somewhere in Germany.
In the background, Prussia appears, guitaring on a broom he found. Germany grumbled under his breath.
“Ugh…I guess he’s alright…when he’s not eating all mein food und drinking mein biers.”
[As a follow on, what about Austria? Isn’t he your brother too?]
“Technically, no.” Germany said, “Austria and I are connected through German culture und language. But as I was raised by…” He gestured to Prussia, who was now headbanging and singing loudly in the background, “…I never really saw Austria much. Still, he’s always been willing to lend advice when needed…even if I didn’t want it.”
-Camera cuts to Austria-
“I was too busy to raise Germany, even if I wanted to. I was utterly focused on managing and mentoring those nations under my empire.”
“Didn’t you get your ass kicked by Prussia over forming Germany?” A voice shouted from off camera. Austria ignored it and continued. “I was always willing to give Germany advice however, he is a nation like many of us.
“Not very well Mr. Perfect!” A voice shouted from off camera; Austria glowered in the direction of the voice.
-
[Question: How do relationships work for nations?”]
France leaned back, his wine glass sparkling in the florescent lighting of the room. “Ah, romance is a lovely thing. We nations are always allowed to seek companionship from the lovely people that inhabit our lands, it is a wonderous thing, meeting someone that feels like an old friend, passion flowing through the air, the lights of Paris glowing gently in the night! Then the love of two people...
[Printed card held in front of camera: France spent 30 minutes eagerly describing his…activities in the bedroom. I don’t think we need to elaborate on what he does… I feel dirty now]
-Camera cuts to Austria and Hungary-
“Well, when two nations are united as we were back in 1867…” Hungary began, “They will be married in an official capacity. It’s arranged by our bosses, with plenty of formal discussion and ensuring it will be handled appropriately. Unless there is a specific reason not to, such as when Italy was united. Obviously, Feliciano and Romano can’t marry, so it’s not necessary in their case.”
Austria rolled his eyes, disinterested in the interviews. He sipped his tea as Hungary glanced at him. She frowned and nudged him in his side with her elbow. He spluttered but sighed and spoke up.
“A-Ah yes…we were married. It was a fine event.”
“As I said, we were officially married by a priest in Vienna.” Hungary paused as she reached into her bag and produced a photo from the wedding, showing her and Austria in their wedding finery. She switched pictures to another one, featuring the nations that made up the newly crowned Austro-Hungarian Empire. Moravia, Bohemia, Liechtenstein, Croatia, and Carniola all dressed in either elaborate bridesmaid dresses or in formal military dress uniforms.
“We had to stand there for close to 5 minutes, but it came out so beautifully!” Hungary said with a smile.
“It was a wonderful ceremony…” Austria reminisced, suddenly all interested in describing the event. “I still feel a little heady thinking about the wonderful atmosphere. The lovely music…Mozart, Brahams, Vivaldi…acht, it was just perfection…”
His eyes seemed to glaze over.
Then it was like a whirlwind, the events of the celebration. Dancing under candlelight, the music rising and falling with swells like a sea of sound…and before I knew it, it was time. I was standing there, staring at the delicacy spread before-
“Stop talking about your sex life in front of people!” Someone shouted from off camera. Austria blushed as he realized he had been getting a bit…too into the details. Hungary was equally blushing and shooting Austria a bit of a glare.
[Elaborating Question: How do more casual relationships between nations work?]
-Interviewer focused the camera onto Belgium and Slovenia, an example of a nation pair involved romantically.
Slovenia glanced at Belgium and looked back to the interviewer. “Well, when two nations decide to get into a relationship, there’s a few things that must be considered…for example, our bosses must approve. Since Belgium and I are part of the EU and NATO, our bosses gave the okay. My boss and her boss spoke, and they agreed to allow us to date.”
“My boss, King Philippe, completely approved of my choice.” Belgium said as she coyly brushed the suddenly blushing Slovenian beside her.
“Secondly,” Belgium took over, “There must be no ulterior motives involved. If one nation was only dating another to steal secrets, that would be a no-go. Our bosses would be shutting down the relationship very quickly.” She bristled a little, “Sometimes, even other nations’ spies would attempt to woo us for secrets. Fortunately, I’m not easily fooled.”
“They kept failing with me because they thought I was a girl.” Slovenia said with a scowl. He brushed his blonde hair back. “I’ve had this hairstyle since the 1830s. You’d think people would realize by now.” Slovenia said as Belgium giggled.
“Third, no enemies dating. That just would be weird.” Slovenia said, before smirking. “Of course, we spent the entire Cold War joking that America and Russia needed to just kiss and make up already."
“I’ve been telling my two neighbors to do that for two centuries.” Belgium laughed. There was a flurry of angry voices offscreen that sounded suspiciously like England and a flirty France.
“See what I mean.” She said as Slovenia looked at the camera.
“Lastly, any nation’s family must approve. Wouldn’t make sense to date someone if your family hated their guts. Also, would go back to the second point.”
-Camera cuts to Croatia-
“Yeah, Matik’s a grown man, I was happy to see he wanted to try a relationship with Belgium.” He said as he took a sip of water.
-Camera cuts to Netherlands and Luxembourg-
“Yeah, I was cool with Anri choosing to go out with Slovenia. He’s a decent fellow and someone I trust to take care of her.” Luxembourg said.
“He’s alright.” Netherlands said with a grumpy tone. “I at least know he’s somewhat rich.”
--
[Question: How do families work beyond siblings for Nations?]
Slovenia was back in the camera view, this time sitting beside Liechtenstein. The meeting recorder held a placard out that read: [They consider each other “cousins”]
“Well, as nations work…beyond immediate family, there’s really not anything.” Liechtenstein said, “Hypothetically, Big Brother, Mr. Austria, Mr. Germany, Mr. Prussia, and myself are considered “the Germanic cousins” on the fact we are all German-speaking countries. But since I was never part of either Germany or Prussia, they have no connection to me on a familial basis.”
“Liechtenstein and I grew up together in the Austrian Empire.” Slovenia took over explaining. He produced a very old photograph, depicting himself and Liechtenstein, somewhere around age 10 in very stiff formal clothing. “We played together, she taught me how to identify the plants of the Alps, I taught her how to make a fishing pole and the like.”
“But for a lot of my younger years…” Liechtenstein put in, “…I was raised by my monarchs, a common thing for young, small nations you see. So I wasn’t always with Mr. Austria, even though by some standards, he is my “father.”
She smiled at Slovenia before continuing, “But, the way we grew up, and our shared culture of Alpine nations has been something that unites us…”
“So, “cousins” was just an easier way to describe our relationship.” Slovenia finished.
--
[Question: What do nations do when they’re not at world meetings or working for their governments?]
Ukraine was sitting at the table, she smiled warmly as she began speaking.
“Well, I myself work as a maintenance technician for farming equipment. There’s a lot of old Soviet-era tractors and trucks around my country that need fixing, and I happened to help build a lot of them back in the day.” She patted one of her arms proudly as she did a Rosie the Riveter pose. “I once resurrected a tractor engine after it fell into the Dnieper River and couldn’t be recovered until the summer. Only took me 2 hours and a lot of elbow grease…” She smiled sneakily, “And a little help from an air compressor.” She added with a sly wink.
--
“I work in finances.” Liechtenstein explained. “I usually help people with balancing their budgets and filing their taxes. It’s not hard work but I love my mathematics! Aside from that, I usually am helping babysit the Princely Family’s children. It’s a lot of fun!”
--
Romano stared at the camera. “I run a little farmer’s market stall. It’s my own stuff so I don’t mind working to sell it.”
[But do you have any other jobs?]
“…I guess I help out with business for some old friends. I can’t elaborate.”
--
“DUDE! I run myself a sick channel where I showcase all the amazing stuff I do!” America said, leaning back in the chair.
“I ride dirtbikes across fences, I play video games with the homies! It’s awesome!”
[Interview Note: Mr. America works in various regular jobs. He’s mostly a Zamboni driver for the Washington DC ice hockey team.]
“I work in marketing my country to the world!” Hungary said, proudly smiling, “We boast some of the most beautiful landscapes in Central Europe, and some of the most amazing hot springs in-“
“Oi! You are not saying that your springs are better than mine!” Czechia said as she stormed onto camera. “I’m the only country in the world that has “Spa” as an option on travel visas!”
“I was just saying my springs are very nice. I’m sure yours are just as good…. maybe.” Hungary smirked. This set Czechia off.
The two nations began to vigorously debate as the Interviewer sighed.
[This debate lasted almost 45 minutes…please help me]
--
Slovakia was now sitting in the chair.
"I usually drive a tram in Bratislava. It's a lot of fun actually. Especially when I get the latest issue of Hungarian Spas to enjoy on my lunch break!"
--
This would continue on. Most nations had simple jobs and others were pretty...unique. Like Prussia supposedly being the sole caretaker of the Hollenzollern Castle. And also a rockstar.
--
“Finally! I don’t have to be traumatized by France’s…lovemaking descriptions.” The meeting recorder sighed as he loaded the documents into a folder on the UN network.
Then, as discreetly as possible, he saved a copy of the folder onto a thumb drive labelled “Research”. Which he pulled out from the computer and stashed away in his bag.
A thumb drive bearing the symbol of a gear with three inwards pointing arrows.