Chapter Text
Even after an overnight shift, Deb makes them all pancakes.
Of course breakfast doesn't go on without Jackie experiencing the longing, brown-eyed stare that her best friend has perfected aimed directly at her.
Between every bite, she catches Shauna's eyes on her from across the table. Once Jackie catches her, Shauna's eyes drop right back to her plate.
Jackie periodically glances back over to Shauna while Van talks about how desperately she misses playing soccer. Shauna doesn't look away those times. Instead a small, knowing smile slides across her face.
"You ready to go, Jackie?" Van says, repeating Tai's question that she apparently missed while staring at Shauna. Van's heavy hand startles her out of the staring contest.
Jackie nods, chewing through the last of Deb's world-famous blueberry pancakes. "Yeah, I just need to get my bag and stuff from upstairs." She says, eyeing Shauna and jerking her head unceremoniously toward the stairs as she stands.
Shauna hums, getting up from her stool at the counter ten seconds later. "I'm gonna try to find that, um, thing she was looking for."
Jackie is in her closet, helping herself to one of her sweatshirts on when Shauna gets back up there.
"So why did you just signal me up here?" Shauna mutters, leaning against her desk as Jackie stuffs too many things in her already-tiny purse.
Usually when Jackie stays over she stays for a while, taking Shauna's clothes and sleeping in her bed, even commandeering Shauna's car when she needs a ride home.
The point is, Shauna kind of wants her to stay for a little longer. She was hoping she would.
Jackie levels her with a look as she pulls on a pair of Shauna's socks. She throws her bag over her shoulder and walks over to Shauna with her head tilted, her eyes squinting.
"We had sex last night, Shauna."
Shauna suddenly coughs on air. "Um, I know. I was there."
Jackie rolls her eyes, but a smile sneaks into the corner of her mouth. She always has found Shauna more funny than she is.
"And you were just going to let me leave?" Jackie says, crossing her arms and attempting a stern look.
Shauna stalls, her mouth opening and closing for a moment.
Jackie sighs, stomping over to pull Shauna in by a fistful of her sweatshirt. "You're hopeless, Shipman."
"Sorry?" Shauna says, the end of the word stifled by Jackie pulling her down into a firm kiss.
When Jackie pulls away, Shauna is smiling.
"You just wanted to see me get all...like that, didn't you?"
Shauna shrugs, dipping her head and kissing Jackie soundly, hands roaming to around her waist, climbing up into her hair until she feels her best friend relax against her.
Jackie hums into her mouth as her hand balls up Shauna's sweatshirt into her fist.
Satisfied, Shauna pulls back with a smug look on her face as Jack
"Goodbye, Jackie."
Jackie sighs, pushing Shauna back by her shoulder. "Whatever. You're annoying."
"I'll pick you up tomorrow?" Shauna says, leaning around the corner to watch Jackie go.
Jackie stops, looks up, and nods with that Jackie Taylor look, that one that even as her best friend, Shauna hasn't ever felt the full force of herself—she's only seen from the sidelines. It takes her breath away just a little.
"Yeah, seeya," Jackie says, rushing out the front door after Tai beeps for the third time.
-
"Shauna," Jackie pesters, laying on the girl's bed with her assigned reading book long abandoned by her side. She's been switching off between watching re-runs of Buffy and bothering Shauna while she does her homework for the better part of an hour now.
Shauna hums, but Jackie can still hear the pencil moving against paper.
Jackie sighs, and Shauna rolls her eyes, briefly pausing in her short answer response.
"One sec." She mutters, erasing and then cutting her planned response by about two sentences.
She hears Jackie shuffle around behind her, and for once Shauna doesn't wait until she finishes the sentence. She pushes her homework to the side and figures she'll just do it later.
Jackie smiles softly at her when Shauna gets up and stops to look down at her.
"What do you want?" Shauna sighs dramatically, flopping over to her side of her bed.
"I don't really like staring at the back of your head, you know." Jackie says, tossing her book to the floor as she rolls onto her side to look at Shauna.
"Yeah, I figured that from all the sighing and whining you were doing over here." Shauna says, smiling slightly at Jackie's affronted look.
Jackie's expression shifts quickly as she pushes her head into the pillow, "Wait a minute Shipman, did you just put your homework down for me?"
"Don't get used to it."
Jackie raises her eyebrows, humming. "I will."
"Shut up," Shauna murmurs, leaning down to kiss Jackie, effectively shut her up herself. It's obviously what Jackie wanted, anyway.
Jackie's mouth turns up under hers, and her arms come up around Shauna's neck to pull her in that decisive way that lets Shauna know she's doing exactly what she wanted. It's a familiar feeling in many ways. Shauna's hand trails across Jackie's stomach and up her side, making Jackie hum.
"See, was that so hard?"
"Yes." Shauna says, pulling back for a brief second to pull Jackie closer. She catches a glimpse of Jackie rolling her eyes before it's Jackie leaning up and kissing her again, this time a little harder.
She follows suit, tilting her head and meeting Jackie's movements. See—Shauna has never been in this scenario before. She's never had someone over after school like this...in a non-friend way where they make out on her bed while her Mom isn't home. What makes it feel more complicated is doing it with Jackie. Who is always here.
But Shauna tries to keep up. She slips her cold hand under Jackie's tee-shirt and that seems to do the trick, making Jackie tense, and breathe out heavily against her mouth. Shauna keeps her hands there, pressed against Jackie's waist and allows Jackie to push her back into the pillows.
A moment passes before Jackie pushes herself up with a sigh, "Can you work with me here? I can practically hear you thinking about Lord of the Flies while you kiss me."
Shauna laughs in response, caught off guard by the comment. "I am not thinking about a book, Jackie!" She defends, her hands slipping down Jackie's thighs as the girl sits up on her lap.
"You're distracted." Jackie sighs, her hands sliding across Shauna's shoulders.
"Jackie," Shauna tilts her head. "I'm not."
She is. But she isn't going to tell Jackie that she's feeling a bit confused by all of this. That would result in a conversation Shauna is willing to bet Jackie would find a way to avoid.
Jackie sighs, moving to get off of Shauna's lap. "I guess you can just get back to your homework, which you clearly like more than me."
"Jax." Shauna sighs, her hands moving to hold Jackie a bit firmer so she can't move. "I'm not thinking about a book while we kiss. I'm thinking about kissing you."
"That wasn't very convincing." Jackie crosses her arms.
"Oh my God." Shauna sighs. "I'm not...I like kissing you, Jackie. I'm not thinking about the goddamn book—I don't like reading that much."
Despite her attempt at reassuring Jackie that she isn't thinking about anything else, Shauna is unable to look Jackie in the eye.
Jackie pouts, her brow furrowing as she pushes a hand through Shauna's hair. She can tell her best friend is thinking about something, that she isn't fully there. She gets this far away look in her eyes, like she's looking right over your shoulder.
Jackie opens her mouth as if she's going to say something else, possibly attempt to read Shauna's mind, but Shauna shifts up to kiss her, pushing her onto her back before she can get a word out.
Shauna is more fervent this time, clearly either abandoning what she was thinking about or just working harder to convince Jackie that she isn't distracted. She nudges Jackie onto her back, hovering over her and kissing her deeply, not disconnecting even as Jackie tries to take a breath.
Jackie pulls at Shauna's hoodie, sliding her hands under the bottom, humming as she's met with the warmth and the way Shauna's hand tenses at the back of her neck. She sits up, pushing at Shauna's sweatshirt and breaking the kiss only to push it over her head.
Shauna pushes her sweatshirt behind her and lifts her head, sighing as she looks down at Jackie.
"What?"Jackie asks gently, her hands pressed softly against Shauna's waist. She knows whatever it is, Shauna isn't going to tell her now.
Shauna can't get enough of the way Jackie's hands feel on her skin, the way she can feel her light breathing on her face.
That's part of the problem, is that she doesn't want to stop for long enough to think about what it all means.
"Nothing," Shauna grins, "I'm just out of breath." She says, pulling Jackie in with a hand around her neck. She slows it down, sighing as Jackie lays against her and pushes her hands up into her hair.
She's pulling Jackie's tee-shirt off next, not sure if they're about to go there on a Tuesday afternoon or what, but it seems like the right next step and Jackie is wearing a cute pink bra, but it's almost six o'clock, which means—
"Shauna!"
Shauna's head falls back against her pillows, her eyes shut and her hand slipping down the back of Jackie's sweatpants as she responds to her Mother.
Jackie laughs—actually giggles into her neck before Shauna nudges her away with a sigh.
"Perfect timing, Deb." Jackie sighs, falling to her side so Shauna can stand up and locate her sweatshirt.
Shauna wipes at her eyes, pulling the sweatshirt over her head and looking to Jackie for approval. She puts her hands out, raising her eyebrows, and Jackie smiles as her eyes catch on a sparkle.
"My lip gloss is right there," Jackie points at her neck Shauna grins.
"Of course it is." She sighs, "Be right back."
Jackie stares at the ceiling, sighing as she hears Shauna's footsteps fade off.
Shauna was being weird earlier, she knows it wasn't in her head. She knows when Shauna is avoiding something, and she's lucky if she ever tells her what it is.
The thing is, school wasn't awkward, and neither was the ride to or from it in Shauna's car. So she doesn't get why Shauna insisted on doing her homework when they got back when she could be doing it later.
She gets it, when she usually comes over after school they don't do...this. But soccer has long been over and school is almost over, so things are different in more ways than one.
The bottom line is that Shauna has been acting a bit weird.
And her diary is right there.
Jackie walks over to her desk, and when she's sure that Shauna is in the kitchen with her Mother she flips through Shauna's battered journal until she spots her name.
I don't know what to do about Jackie. I feel so guilty.
That's enough to make Jackie stuff the book in her backpack when she hears Shauna start walking up the stairs.
"Dinner soon." Shauna says, breathless as she sits by Jackie's side. "You staying?"
"I should probably go home." Jackie frowns, "Drive me?"
"Duh." Shauna nods, "What am I gonna do, make you walk?"
Things don't feel any less weird to Jackie by the time Shauna drops her off. Shauna's stiff, no matter how hard she tries to act how they usually do.
She stops on the corner of Jackie's street to press a quick, sweet kiss to her lips in a place that no one can see them, and it's cute and makes Jackie blush a little, but she wonders if this is all just Shauna doing what she thinks she's supposed to.
And maybe it's all just Shauna. She's always a bit closed off anyway, why would Jackie think things would change just because they're...doing things now. Now that she thinks about it, that would make Shauna act more distant. Shauna hasn't been in any kind of relationship before, and they haven't even said what this is anyway.
Maybe that's what Shauna is being weird about, that they haven't really talked.
That's probably what's in the diary, anyway. Her usual flowery, questioning rant. Shauna does write very well—part of why Jackie sometimes reads her diary.
As it turns out, it isn't. After Shauna drives off and Jackie suffers through a long dinner with her parents, Jackie pulls the diary out of her backpack.
In just a few hastily written sentences in the final pages of Shauna's diary, Jackie finds that Shauna hasn't even gotten around to writing about them having sex.
She was just looking for a few of Shauna's introspective, dramatic diary entries like usual. She thought Shauna would—god forbid—talk about her feelings or about how pretty she is.
Jackie gets a lot more than what she was looking for, as re-reading Shauna's words drive her to toss the stupid diary against the wall. Tears start to fall in an unfamiliar mix of anger and what Jackie gets the sinking feeling might be her heart breaking.
-
Shauna is about to step out the door and speed on her way to pick Jackie up when the phone rings.
Who calls at 7:15am?
She frowns, turning around and nearly tripping over the cat as she grabs the landline.
"Hello?"
"Hey it's me." Jackie says, and Shauna's leans against the wall, smiling a little just in reaction to hearing her voice.
"Hey."
"Um, I don't need a ride today. Jeff is picking me up."
The smile drops off her face. "Jeff? Jackie, what—"
"I have to talk to him, you know." Jackie mutters down the line.
"About what?" Shauna huffs, pushing off the wall and pacing the two steps that the phone will let her go before yanking her right back.
"To break up with him Shauna, obviously." Jackie says, frustrated.
"Oh."
"Yeah, I'll see you at school."
Shauna nods, a bit reassured. "Yeah, okay."
She stalls, standing confused in her kitchen for a few minutes before realizing she'll be late if she doesn't leave now.
Shauna doesn't see Jackie until after third period, and she walks up to her locker with a bout of nerves swirling around her. What if Jackie couldn't go through with it? What if Jackie decided to give Jeff another try for the thousandth time?
"Hey," She says, pulling Jackie's locker door open so she can see her.
"Hey." Jackie says back with bite. She glances over at Shauna with a look that says something went terribly wrong, and Shauna has no idea what it is.
Shauna swallows, her brow furrowing. "Um, how did this morning go?"
Jackie continues digging around her locker. "It was fine."
"He didn't put up a fight?" Shauna asks, shifting on her feet awkwardly at Jackie's avoidance.
Jackie hums, "I don't think either of us cared as much as we should have." She says plainly, as if she has ever expressed these kinds of thoughts to Shauna before. Of course, Shauna knew this already. That Jackie only acted like she cared about Jeff that much.
"Jackie...what's going on?"
"Nothing, it was fine. We broke up, talked about some stuff." Jackie says, staying evasive.
Shauna scratches her head, shifts her feet below her. "And are you sad about that, or...?"
"Well we didn't just talk about breaking up." Jackie says, turning to Shauna with that same glare.
Shauna's eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. "What do you mean?"
Before she can finish her question, Jackie turns to face her and shoves something square into Shauna's chest, making her stumble back a step or two.
"I can't believe you." Jackie says, slamming her locker. "I can't fucking believe you." She says, lowering her voice to a sharp whisper.
Shauna half-processes the words as she looks down to find her own diary in her hands. Her dark green, ripped up diary she finished about two months ago now. Right around the time...fuck.
Tears are swimming in Jackie's eyes as Shauna struggles to find any words to respond with.
"Jackie—"
"Don't lie." Jackie says, pushing Shauna back and glancing around. She clears her throat and sighs. "Jeff already told me," she takes a deep breath, "and I read every...all those things you wrote in there."
"Jackie that's, I didn't-I didn't write everything in there. I mean I didn't mean all of it." Shauna says, and god she's articulating herself just like an incredibly guilty person would. "I—how did you find this?" She knows its the wrong thing to say as soon as she says it. As soon as she sees the way Jackie reacts.
"I know what you did," Jackie starts, "I tell you that I know that you fucked my boyfriend, and—fuck Shauna, here I am waiting for you to beg for forgiveness and you ask me how I found your diary?" She scoffs, shaking her head. "You are so unbelievable."
"Okay, wait, wait." Shauna reaches out, her hands hovering over Jackie and shaking in place. "Please just let me explain," Shauna begs, stepping closer to block Jackie from walking away. She grabs at her elbow to keep her there. "Please."
Jackie yanks her elbow back, holding it in her hand as the tears start to spill over. "Don't touch me." She mutters, then quieter, "I don't want to see you, Shauna. I'm serious, I don't want to speak to you or even look at you."
"Jackie please, I didn't—it wasn't like that. You're my best friend." Shauna says, her hands shaking as she tries to salvage the situation in front of her.
"Best friend? This isn't what best friends do. You-this is what someone who hates me would do." Shauna can't help but pick up on the sheer sadness. "You-you lied to me and did all of this behind my back...just leave me alone." She says, pushing away and walking off down the hall.
Shauna turns to watch her go, leaning against the lockers, shell-shocked as her eyes fall down to her diary. She thought things were going well now. Instead Jackie knows everything.
She's stuck there, frozen until Tai finds her and grabs her shoulder to shake her out of it.
"Shauna?"
Shauna looks up at her and promptly breaks.
A full period passes, and Shauna finds herself sitting in the locker room with Tai and Van standing over her, arms crossed.
"I don't know babe, this isn't the usual Jackie-Shauna woo woo shit. She's all...depressed, you know, and Lottie said Jackie is crying in the bathroom." Van says, pacing the lockers.
"She is?" Shauna looks up, and Tai rolls her eyes.
"Of course that brought you back to planet earth. What the fuck is going on here?" She demands, opening her hand for Shauna's diary.
Shauna looks down, her lips pursed as Tai waits.
"Seriously with the eyes, Shauna?" Tai says as she sits down beside her, her hand on the book. "What is it?"
"I...with Jeff." Shauna breathes out, an embarrassed sigh escaping her.
"You what with Jeff?" Van stops her pacing and stares, waiting.
"I had sex with Jeff." She mutters into her hands, but Tai understands it and grabs Shauna's hand tighter.
"...Shauna." Tai says, waiting for Shauna to look back at her. "When?"
"Like a few months ago, but that isn't even the worst part." Shauna's eyes are locked on the floor. "The other night, me and Jackie, we..."
"Had sex." Tai finishes. "No."
Van gasps from behind Tai and Shauna's head sinks into her hands.
Shauna takes a deep breath, "And then Jackie read my diary." She says, her voice cracking. "So she asked Jeff, and here we are."
Tai clears her throat and Shauna hears a smack as she scolds Van. "Well that makes things a little complicated." She hums, "But you're...Jackie and Shauna. Just give her a break."
"I think she might kill me, Tai." Shauna says seriously, and Van hums in agreement behind her.
"Um, I mean, it'll be okay?"
"Vanessa" Tai hisses as Shauna groans.
-
"You and Shauna had sex?!" Lotties jaw drops, her voice ticking up in an entirely unnatural way.
Nat, who is also facing shock, laughs quietly at Lottie, grabbing her arm and squeezing it.
"Jack...are you serious?" Nat asks, gently for once.
"Yes!" She explodes from her place on the countertop of the third floor girls bathroom. "Why would I joke about that!"
Nat scratches her head, "Forgive me, but...I didn't think that was ever gonna happen."
Jackie's eyes narrow, "What...you thought about me and Shauna?"
Nat shakes her head abruptly, far too much to be truthful. "No, no of course not."
Lottie looks like she's doing mental math as she stares at the ceiling. "So Shauna and Jeff, they...and then you and Shauna, the other day?"
"Obviously I didn't know when we...when me and Shauna." Jackie sighs.
Nat interjects, "Can you guys seriously not say sex? Like, you've had it. You're allowed."
"Shut up!" Jackie half-screeches.
"Nat." Lottie looks to her with pleading eyes, and Nat hums to herself, rocking on her feet.
Lottie steps closer to Jackie and grabs her hand, "Are you even that upset about Jeff?"
"Ugh!" Jackie explodes and the girls opposite her promptly flinch. "I don't even know."
Lottie tuts, "That's okay. Come here, Jackie. It's okay."
Jackie sighs, tears still falling quietly down her cheeks as she lets herself be wrapped up by Lottie. Nat reaches over and pats her head once or twice, too.
-
When she gets home, Shauna tries to call Jackie despite the sinking feeling that she can't fix this.
"Hello?"
"H-hi Mrs. Taylor, is Jackie there?" Shauna stutters out. She's always been scared of Mrs Taylor, no matter how long she and Jackie have been friends.
Her sharp, "One moment." Reminds Shauna exactly why. She knows Jackie hardly tells her Mom anything, especially pertaining to their friendship. But she still worries.
"Hello?" Jackie's voice comes through suddenly, and Shauna kicks her homework off her bed in a reflex response.
"Um, it's me."
A pause extends on the line, and Shauna considers whether Jackie might have just put the phone down and walked away.
A deep sigh on the other end proves that she's really just waiting Shauna out.
"Aren't you going to say something?" Jackie huffs, and Shauna bets she rolled her eyes just before that sigh.
"Um, I—I'm sorry Jackie. I didn't think you'd really answer. But I'm so sorry and Jeff didn't mean anything, I promise. You did—you do. This weekend and yesterday, they mean something, and you're my best friend and I know that I'm not acting like yours, but I—" Shauna takes a gathering breath after her rambling, "I love you Jackie. And I'm really sorry."
"For which parts?" Jackie says, her arms crossed.
"I—"
"For what you wrote about me? Or what you did?"
"I-all of it."
"Well that's great Shauna. I'm glad you feel sorry."
"Jackie." Shauna sighs. "I am sorry."
Jackie huffs, "No you aren't, Shauna. I know you. You feel all this guilt just because I caught you."
"No, I am sorry. I've been sorry since it happened." Shauna says, her voice edging on whining now that Jackie won't believe her.
Shauna's words hang in the balance as Jackie waits. "Well." She says quietly. "You're gonna have to prove it."
"Wha—"
"Bye." Jackie sighs, hanging up.
-
Hours later, Shauna finds herself lingering behind an affectionate Tai and Van, standing in the woods with a disgusting warm beer in her hand.
They had come to pick her up and refused to leave until she got in the car. And sure, they might have had a point about how you only celebrate finishing Junior year once, but she didn't really care.
She's following them when she sees Jackie sitting next to Lottie and Nat on a log by the fire. Nat is leaning into Lottie's side, a light smile on her face, as Jackie frowns beside them.
Shauna slows her steps, and she thinks about walking over until Jackie levels her with an earth-shattering glare, and she re-routes and heads to the keg.
Of course, this is where she runs into Jeff.
"Shauna" he starts, that stupid deep voice and spiky hair.
"Jeff." She grunts. "Can you move? I need a drink."
"Yeah, yeah." He says, nodding quickly and scratching his head.
Shauna rolls her eyes.
Jeff clears his throat, "Look Shauna, I'm sorry telling Jackie. She was all like, interrogator, you know." He jock-laughs, "And I couldn't lie. Anyway, you know...like, we were in a, I don't know, weird place when it happened. So it didn't really mean anything. With us"
"Yeah, I know that Jeff. Thanks." Shauna half-chuckles, drinking half of the solo cup and then filling it again. "Would've been nice if you told Jackie that."
"Oh yeah, uh, I guess I didn't." Jeff mutters.
"Kind of the important part." Shauna glares.
Jeff nods, "Sorry."
She hates that she wants to tell him it's fine and pat him on the head or something.
"Are you guys okay?" Jeff asks, "She's kind of, like, staring you down now."
Shauna goes right back in for more beer. "No, not really. There's other stuff, and...I don't know."
Jeff hums, "You know, I always thought you guys would be a better match than me and her. I don't think she ever really liked me."
Shauna laughs a little, and so does Jeff. That thought is exactly how they ended up in this situation in the first place.
"Anyway, later Shauna." Jeff says, saluting as he goes off with a bottle of plastic vodka.
Shauna sighs, reaching for another refill before she hears a sharp "Really?" behind her.
Her head falls back with a groan as she turns around to find Jackie with a full drink in her hand.
"It's not what you think, Jackie." Shauna sighs.
"You guys were just laughing." Jackie glares. "At me, probably."
"About how much you hate us, actually." Shauna corrects with a slight laugh.
Jackie frowns, pushing Shauna back behind someone's truck, into the woods and away from everyone else.
"Jackie," Shauna sighs, "if you wanted to yell at me you could've just done it out there."
"Tell me what you and Jeff did." Jackie demands, grabbing at Shauna's arm as if she can tell Shauna's instinct is to run away.
Shauna's face falls, and she pulls her arm back but Jackie hangs on, her hand burning through Shauna's skin.
"Jackie, no." She whispers.
"What if I told you it would fix it?" Jackie tries, and Shauna shakes her head.
"It won't, okay? Just—just be mad at me forever, I won't...I'm not gonna give you the details."
"Why not?! If you feel so sorry and guilty about it like you say, then tell me!" Jackie's voice ticks up, and there we go.
Shauna sighs, running her hand over her face. "Jackie, please."
"No you, please!" Jackie pushes her finger into Shauna's shoulder. "Jeff wouldn't tell me all of it. And I read your stupid diary and all about how awful I am, but neither of you will tell me why!"
"You aren't awful, Jackie. I was angry and I didn't mean it. You weren't ever supposed to read my diary and find that! I was just ranting, you aren't awful, I-" Shauna sighs. "I'm really sorry. You're my best friend."
"We're not best friends." Jackie says, stepping closer, "And you know that."
"I know." Shauna sighs, reaches for Jackie's other arm. "I told you on the phone that what we did meant something to me, Jackie. I like what we've been doing. I really do."
Jackie knows that this show of real emotion is not something that Shauna does often. She's lucky for it, but it isn't what she's after now. It would've been two days ago, while they were in Shauna's bed. It would've been if Shauna hadn't lost her virginity to her boyfriend and not told her.
"And Jeff didn't mean anything to me at all. I mean we were just talking about it, how it was weird and didn't mean anything." Shauna sighs, and she looks honest but Jackie needs more.
Jackie nods sternly, trying to gather herself. "Then why did you do it?" She asks, her eyes meeting Shauna's. She can see Shauna's reaction to the tears in her eyes, "If it didn't matter, then why did you do it?"
"I don't know." Shauna says.
Jackie pulls her hands away. "Well that isn't gonna work."
"Jax." Shauna sighs, following her. "I don't know what to do."
"You could start by answering any one of my questions, Shauna." Jackie sniffles.
Shauna stands, stuck, as Jackie backs away.
A lull grows between them before Jackie clears her throat. "You know what hurts the most about it?"
Shauna's eyes snap up to watch her.
"...It's that when we were together, I thought it was both of our first time. And that was special, like I wanted."
All Shauna can do is stare, because she didn't think about it that way. About how it was Jackie's first time, and how she always talked about how special she wanted it to be. She used to say she wanted it to be with someone she was in love with, and the thought just breaks Shauna.
I don't even care about Jeff." Jackie confesses. "I care about you, I love you more. You're Shauna, you've been my best friend since forever, and I... still can't even believe you did this."
"Jackie..." quiet tears fall down Shauna's face, but neither of them move.
Jackie sighs, looking up at the stars to keep her tears at bay. "Let's just leave it, okay. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I'm not going to beg for answers from you." Her voice says steady, but she doesn't look at Shauna.
Jackie waits, like she's giving her one more chance. She nods to herself when Shauna just stands, unmoving and silent in front of her.
"And we'll see each other in the Fall."
There's nothing Shauna can say. It would kill her to tell Jackie about it all.
So she watches Jackie turn and walk back toward the fire, tossing her cup to the ground on the way in.
They avoid each other for the final week of school—spending time around each other, but never speaking, never sitting side by side like usual. It sets the team on edge.
Despite ignoring Shauna completely, Jackie has taken to snapping at Jeff whenever she sees him, leaving him avoiding the entire soccer team at every chance.
Shauna doesn't go to Randy's annual last week of school party, and all she can think about while she's reading at home is what Jackie is doing. (Jackie, as fate would have it, is hiding in Randy's, parents' study with a worn copy of a Jane Austen novel. She doesn't even like reading, but Shauna had always said she was like Emma).
It surprises Shauna that Jackie is missing at Lottie's last day of school party. She finds herself standing off in the corner, not knowing what to do with herself as she watches everyone get more and more drunk around her. Jackie finds herself in the corner of her parent's dinner party in Nantucket, fumbling with the glass of wine she's poured herself in the kitchen She's bored out of her mind already.
She left New Jersey immediately after school, only telling Lottie and Van under the promise that they wouldn't tell Shauna unless she asked where Jackie was.
When it's officially Summer, they haven't spoken in a week.
Deb won't stop asking where Jackie is once they reach two and a half weeks, and Shauna doesn't know what to tell her.
All she can do is re-read those pages of her diary and hate herself.