Chapter Text
Chan couldn’t catch his breath when everything was over. He had given it his all on stage, pouring every bit of feeling and frustration he managed to scrape off him out there for everyone to see. Never before had he ever shown that level of vulnerability. Always too careful to not let his walls crumble away, just at the thought of it.
He was near his breaking point when he slugged backstage, each body part aching. He felt as if he was about to collapse, while his heart rang in his ears, the anxiety of having opened up too much rushing in.
He sat down exhausted. It took him a while to calm himself down, to even out his breathing, and for his hand to stop shaking so much.
But when he finally managed to, he couldn’t help the feeling of immense pride within himself. A feeling he had not allowed himself to marvel in for so long.
Yeah, of course, he had made some very noticeable mistakes that, let’s face it, weren’t only pretty obvious to him but to any professional dancer and certainly the judges. However, if he were to be honest, it didn’t really matter. Not really. At least not in the way it would affect his experience today.
After all, for once in what felt like a century, performing had made him feel something again, a sense of freedom.
When his friends basically ran up to him into his lap, he had to catch himself first from the impact. They were enveloping him in a big group hug, going through his hair, pinching his cheek, and making several affectionate gestures to show how proud they were of him. Chan couldn’t help but find glee at this moment.
Chan, who truly hated to be coddled otherwise, enjoyed the attention and embraced a lot right now. After all, they weren’t pitying or treating him like a child; no, they were proud, treating him like an equal. In no way could Chan deny them that.
However, even with all the commotion, he didn’t miss the way Seungkwan and Soonyoung were looking at him. Their gaze held so much meaning. Full of concern, hidden behind a proud brotherly smile. He gestured with his eyes that they didn’t have to worry about him, at least right now. And for the first time in a way that seemed to have convinced his best friends, for starters.
Chan couldn’t help but notice a presence, or rather a lack thereof. He saw Seungcheol; however, whom he didn’t spot was Wonwoo. Which was strange since he saw him in the crowd just before sitting right beside Seungcheol.
He definitely hadn’t imagined Wonwoo, had he? His brain hadn’t deceived him in such a way, had it?
But no, of course, Chan hadn’t gone crazy. He certainly couldn’t have imagined how those eyes had looked at him. Overflowing with emotion, with an intensity Chan hadn’t seen from the older yet and wasn’t sure to ever again. A mixture of fear and want, emotions that resembled his own too similarly.
When he thought back to the performance, the only thing that had mattered was how he had poured his entire heart out. Not for the crowd or the competition but solely for Wonwoo to see. Every single emotion he had been feeling towards the older, he had tried to make them come across, carefully crafted in every angle of how he positioned his limbs, in every expression on his face, and in every gaze he directed at Wonwoo specifically. For him, there had only been Wonwoo in the crowd; all the lights had somehow been pointed at him. That exact imagery was locked in his mind, refusing to be overpainted by another impression.
Not seeing Wonwoo together with his friends hurt. He definitely didn’t know the reason as to why Wonwoo had gone up and left just like that, but he could feel frustration nagging at him. Seungcheol so far had only told him about Wonwoo suddenly leaving the hall without another word.
Receiving an answer from Seungcheol didn’t help drown out his thoughts. On the contrary, Chan could already feel himself spiraling, despite having to deal with another situation soon.
What were the odds of Wonwoo actually understanding the emotions Chan wanted to convey to him through the performance? Maybe Wonwoo felt overwhelmed, confused, or maybe even disgusted with him that he had to leave. What if Chan pushed Wonwoo even further away from him?
But whatever his reason, it didn’t really matter; Chan felt hurt by it, nonetheless.
If his emotions were creating such a big rift between him and Wonwoo as it seemed they did, he realized he had to stop whatever he was feeling. He needed Wonwoo more than he needed a relationship. He had needed him the very first time they had met in such an unexpected way; he had with his studies, he had with his love for dance, and he had just now, too, just by being in the crowd, helping him find the strength he needed just from his presence. Chan had learned to accept someone who wanted to help him.
So, if by getting rid of his feelings he´d get to be only one step away from Wonwoo and not a whole cliff, he´d do it. This week alone without Wonwoo had shown him how much he needed Wonwoo as a solid presence in his life.
“Chan!” Someone around him pulled him out from his thoughts, “You´ve got to go out now! The winner is about to be announced.”
Ah, right, Chan completely forgot about the whole purpose of the competition. Somehow that was pushed to the backside of his brain. Stuffed in a corner behind all the thoughts around Wonwoo and Chan's own future. He somehow had forgotten how the outcome of the competition was linked directly to it.
He felt his hand twitching when he stood up, his limbs feeling numb but not as exhausted as they had been 20 minutes ago. He could feel a reassuring press from Soonyoung on his shoulder before he walked off onto the stage.
It was different from the first time he had gone on stage today. The lights were obnoxious, blinding him completely. The crowd was murmuring, their eyes all directed expectantly at the stage. It all felt too loud, too much to bear. Suddenly it all felt too overwhelming, the pressure on his shoulders weighing him down.
Chan felt breathless and small next to the other contestants. Somehow everyone around him seemed so self-assured and full of confidence. A long time ago, he had been in their shoes, too, naively believing nothing in the world could keep him from climbing to the top of the world. Now, however, it was different. He didn’t believe his place was here anymore.
Soonyoung must have seen the inner turmoil Chan was in. He was looking at him over from the crowd. A gaze full of reassurance and love, telling him how he did in fact deserve to be there.
Chan scanned the crowd once again, like he had done before several times. And any time he wished to see that familiar face that managed to cheer him up no matter what, despite his own feelings betraying him.
Then he saw Wonwoo. He was leaning at the entrance, his clothes loosely hanging from his body, a complete contrast to how neatly they had been arranged before. He looked like he had been running, panting abruptly, his chest quickly moving up and down. He was looking at Chan with something he couldn’t explain. Purpose, maybe?
It didn’t matter all that much. Just seeing him there a tad awkwardly standing at the side, Chan laughed a tiny bit to himself. Wonwoo truly was the only one who could make him ease up in such a moment despite his friends’ best efforts. And even though he was already looking at Wonwoo, he wished for it to last longer, for him to be able to stay in this moment forever. A moment where their feelings for one another didn’t matter. A moment between the past and his future.
Despite his awkward stance, Wonwoo was looking at him with so much trust and confidence it made Chan wonder if the others knew what was going on inside of him without even having to say anything. Even now it felt like Wonwoo was the only one who truly understood him and knew what he needed. Chan now was even more aware of how he couldn’t give what they had up for some silly feelings. He just couldn’t, no matter how much it would be hurting him.
Chan tried to turn his attention to what was going on around him, even if it was hard to move his eyes anywhere else than Wonwoo.
“And now, the winner of the 22nd Artistic Revival Festival is…”
He inhaled sharply, telling himself that whatever the outcome of this was, he would be alright. He would get through this.
“Mina Myoung!”
Around him, confetti blew through the air with a loud bang, taking him by surprise. He hadn’t yet quite registered the reason for it. But when he was handed the trophy for second place, he finally got what had just happened. He actually lost.
Yet despite losing, a smile was plastered on his lips. He took in the spotlight, the cheers, and the high of the moment for one last time. A sense of accomplishment settled in him. He shook the hands of the winner, congratulating her for the well-deserved win, and went backstage like before. Yet only this time with one worry less on his mind.
This time he didn’t sit down. He didn’t even know what he was doing, except for wearing that stupid, silly smile of his.
“Chan!” He heard suddenly behind him. It wasn’t in the same way as it had been earlier. This time it sounded hasty, definitely worried. Another difference was the number of people that were rushing towards him. This time it was just Soonyoung and Seungkwan instead of the whole crowd from before. The latter immediately pulled Chan into his soft embrace. The hug this time around didn’t feel like encouragement but rather pity.
Chan felt confused by the action at first. Because he was fine, he was even smiling about everything. So, he softly pushed Seungkwan away from himself and just grinned wholeheartedly at him instead.
However, in Seungkwan's expression, and Soonyoung's too, Chan could see confusion and uneasiness double. Chan wasn’t aware why they looked so concerned when he was obviously doing fine and taking the loss like a champ.
“It's okay, Channie.” Soonyoung held one hand of his to the sides of Chan's face and cupped his cheeks carefully. Chan felt very self-conscious about the actions of those two in front of him. He could feel Soonyoung wipe something wet underneath his eyes. They must have been tears. It was then that he realized the warmth on his own cheeks and the burning sensation in his eyes weren’t from the lights on the stage.
Since when had he been crying? When did he start? Certainly not out there, right?
The horror must have settled in his expression as well since Soonyoung took his other hand in his: the one that wasn’t currently busy with wiping Chan's tears away. “Oh, Chanie, you did well!” he heard Seungkwan sympathetically coo at him.
However, Chan was left entirely confused and overwhelmed by his own reaction, which he hadn’t even been aware was happening in the first place. He wasn’t sure why he was even crying. Yeah, losing always struck him hard, but not like this. Normally he wouldn’t cry, instead simply sulk a bit to himself and then immediately move on to try to better himself. He'd be back at the dance studio by now.
And then realization struck. The reason for his abnormal reaction. He wouldn’t do that anymore, simply go back to the studio to keep on practicing until he tired himself out. He had made a promise to himself. And Chan was someone who kept to his words.
There he suddenly was with the worst realization of his life. He would give up dance, the thing he was most passionate about, in exchange for his own health and well-being. It anchored him. Gave him a cruel sense of reality.
The silence of his crying was now turning into a messy sob. He felt his body going numb. Losing something such as dance was like losing a faint memory of himself. It was like losing the last thing that connected him to his father.
Soonyoung and Seungkwan hushed him, telling him everything was going to be alright in a tone that fully expressed their concern with seeing Chan this upset so openly. When he wouldn’t calm down, even with his closest two friends stroking his back carefully, they asked if Chan needed anything that would help him right now. Chan knew they´d do anything for him.
But the only thing he managed to spout between exaggerated sobs and whimpers was one name.
“Wonwoo.”
Despite knowing how desperate his voice sounded and how much of a bad idea this was, he couldn’t help himself. Realistically, only Wonwoo could calm him down, make it seem like the world wasn’t as bad as it felt, like he had so many nights before, too.
As if Seungkwan had already expected Chan's answer, he was immediately excusing himself to go and grab Wonwoo for him. Chan didn’t miss the sigh erupting from Seungkwan's lips when he turned around and went searching for Wonwoo.
Yet, Chan couldn’t care. He tried to focus on the touch from Soonyoung, who was still cradling his face. He tried so hard to make the warmth of his hands cover up the ache of his heart vividly pumping in his chest. Soonyoung tried his best to soothe the younger until Seungkwan came back with Wonwoo closely following behind.
Chan's vision was blurry, so he couldn’t quite catch Wonwoo's expression when he was grasping the situation. It didn’t matter, because before he knew it, he was welcomed in by a hug from the other. Soonyoung had let go of him as soon as he saw Wonwoo and Seungkwan arrive. “You'll be fine, Chan.” Soonyoung said in a tone that expressed certainty and trust in his own words; it made Chan want to believe him.
Before the two of them gave them some privacy, they whispered something into Wonwoo's ears and gave him a look, but Chan couldn’t figure out what it meant. He could wonder about that later. Right now, he didn’t have the energy in him.
He felt Wonwoo's fingers flowing through the hair strands at the back of his head. His face resting in the crook of his neck. At the same time Chan felt Wonwoo draw circles at his back.
Everything around them was quiet, except for Chan's trembling noises every other moment and Wonwoo's soothing humming. Chan could feel his own sobbing getting quieter, his mood becoming more stable. It was amazing how Wonwoo had that effect on him and how simple it worked on him. With everything going on, like the whirlpool of emotions the day made him feel, Wonwoo managed to save him from drowning in them by giving him the small happiness of being in his arms.
“I´m sorry.” Chan muttered helplessly. He didn’t know what to say when he finally could think at least somewhat clearer, and the silence began to pressure him. His words had been so quiet that Chan wasn’t sure if Wonwoo heard him.
Wonwoo mustn’t have expected Chan's out-of-the-blue apology, especially since Chan wasn’t the type to apologize in the first place. Normally, he was too proud, too. “You don’t have to be sorry; it's fine to feel disappointed.” Wonwoo spoke softly in his deep voice.
“No-“ Chan tried, but his voice broke. After another inhale, he tried to continue. “It’s not, it isn’t that.” His words sounded slurred, unsure, small. But Wonwoo gave him as much time as he needed, even if it would take a century. He just stood there, listening to Chan while having his arms around him. “Sorry- I´m sorry for how I acted.”
Wonwoo suddenly pushed him slightly away from his chest so that he could look him in the eye more clearly. Chan was only able to find confusion in them, no anger, and not even irritation like he had expected. “Please don’t apologize for that. You had every right to react the way you did. I was just too stupid to see it.”
Now Chan was confused. Were they talking about the same thing? Was Wonwoo actually referring to another event than what had happened last week? “What?”
“Chan, listen to me.” Wonwoo was trying to catch Chan's eyes that were averting his gaze, too ashamed from the raw emotions they held. He seemed to hesitate for a second, deliberating if this was the appropriate time. Yet, Chan felt the warmth leave his body when Wonwoo stepped back for a moment. He could feel disappointment tug at his heart for a moment before it got replaced by surprise.
Chan saw Wonwoo stand now a few meters away from him, but with a beautiful bouquet in his hands. He couldn’t fully grasp what was happening; his mind still felt too fuzzy from all the crying and pain.
“Chan-ah.” With a big step he came closer and gave Chan the beautiful flower arrangement into his empty hands.
Chan mustered them with surprise, confusion, and shock all at the same time. They were truly magnificent flowers, each flower perfectly picked and crafted into a beautiful, messy, but precise bundle of joy that took Chan some time to realize how happy they made him. There was marigold, lavender flowers, leaves of a flower Chan couldn’t recognize, and sunflowers. The arrangement screamed bold and joyful, making Chan stunned by its vibrancy.
He felt like Wonwoo had handed him all of the smiles in the world into his bare hands.
Chan felt lost in the flowers, each floral scent consuming his perception. Despite its beautiful nature, Chan had a huge question mark at the back of his head. Suddenly he heard a camera noise catching him off guard, which made him turn his head towards the cause.
Wonwoo had his photo camera out, shooting a picture of Chan. It took Chan by surprise once more. Immediately he thought of the photo wall Wonwoo had in his apartment and wondered if this picture would be hung up there.
“Why?” Chan asked, his mind straying away. “What? Thank you, but why?” Chan's big eyes were looking directly at Wonwoo, meeting them when Wonwoo slowly let the camera come down. He was wearing an expression full of fondness and another emotion Chan couldn’t pinpoint.
“You did great. You deserve them.” Wonwoo said, kindness in his smile.
Chan's expression never changed. Confusion stuck in his mind. Normally Chan would think of this action as some sort of obvious signal, but he had read Wonwoo's actions wrong so many times before that he didn’t want to assume. But the way Wonwoo was looking at him made his heart pound abruptly in his chest. It all felt too much right now, the despair he had felt from before and now the confrontation with his own feelings for the older. It made him want to flee from the situation.
Nervously Chan giggled, muttering another quiet “thank you.” After a long pause, with no one saying anything, yet with something heavy hanging in the air, Chan disrupted the silence again, still purposefully avoiding eye contact. “Wanna go to the others? I think I have calmed down now.” Chan could hear the nervous strain in his voice, making him feel embarrassed even more.
“Sure,” Wonwoo said, a grin still on his lips.
Chan decided to move; this was all too much for his heart to take, and his mind couldn’t handle the hope that was ignited in his chest due to Wonwoo's actions. He was already by the door and about to leave when he heard Wonwoo cough to get his attention.
“Oh, and Chan? I forgot to tell you. I´m in love with you.”
Wonwoo had said it so nonchalantly, in a matter-of-fact way, that Chan didn’t think much of his words at first. But as soon as he actually registered the words, he whipped his head around, so fast it would leave his neck aching tomorrow. Wonwoo was standing there in the middle of the room, his eyes full of something Chan finally recognized as infatuation, his grin huge and overwhelmingly pretty.
“Sorry for the way I confess, but I couldn’t keep it in anymore. Sorry for not having noticed it before despite my whole body and actions having said otherwise.” He paused for a second, inching closer to Chan, who was blankly staring at Wonwoo. “I don’t know how I couldn’t notice it sooner while it was so blatantly obvious. Every time I look at you, I get lost in your beautiful eyes that hold so many layered facets, and I notice your charming habits you don’t even notice. I must have been really stupid to ignore that.”
Wonwoo reached for the one empty hand that wasn’t holding the flowers, taking it into his own, sharing his warmth with Chan. “This past week, despite logically not being a long time, with no contact from you, felt like an eternity. I didn't even know such a feeling of nothingness was possible until I didn’t have you by my side. I could tell you so much more about my eternal and honest feelings—"
Before Chan knew it, he let go of the bouquet and pulled Wonwoo closer with his waist. Wonwoo's composure crumbled before Chan's eyes, and it was pretty fun to see. While his hand had been softly holding Chan's before, it was now stiff in his hand. In general, his whole body was unnatural in the way it was holding itself. His gaze, too, was blank, every confidence washed away from his face. “What—what are you doing?”
Chan let his eyes stray towards Wonwoo's lips. They were reddish and slightly parted, asking to be kissed. “Just stay still.”
Chan carefully drew in both of their lips. It wasn’t much of an extraordinary kiss, and by no means was it a long one, Chan still too unsure of himself, too scared of having mistaken Wonwoo's signals again. But immediately as he felt the other's lips, he wanted to take in every sip. He craved a deeper connection, for more flavor.
Just when Chan tried to pull away, his confidence fleeting away again and resembling a skittish cat, Wonwoo laid his hand on the backside of his head, pulling him in once again. Unlike the last one, this kiss was hungry, dripping with passion. It was so unlike Wonwoo that Chan was taken aback for a moment before matching Wonwoo's eager movements.
The kiss felt fantastic; nothing could have prepared him for it. Wonwoo took his breath away, figuratively and literally. He wouldn’t let Chan's lips stray away for even a moment, with the exception being to take off his own glasses and reinforce the kiss 3 times as passionately. A sight Chan didn’t believe could be this hot.
However, when they couldn’t breathe any longer, they were forced to finally pull away, with their faces still close to one another. Chan let Wonwoo's fingers cradle his face, while the older's eyes stayed on him, seemingly drinking in every bit of Chan's flushed face.
“Chan-ah. I like you.” Wonwoo sincerely whispered.
“I can tell.” While feeling flustered, he couldn’t help but tease the other, the spark in his eyes definitely giving him away. “Your hand on my ass was definitely a sign.”
Chan wasn’t sure what he expected, but he definitely didn’t expect Wonwoo to react by tightening his grip on Chan. Surely, he had hoped for a blush or to be just as flustered as Chan felt right now, but instead he wore an expression Chan had never seen before. Jeon Wonwoo had a cocky, cheesy grin on his lips.
“I really like you, Chan-ah.”
The tension broke, and Chan laughed a full laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Just mere minutes ago, he was having a breakdown, thinking Wonwoo would never like him in that way, and now he had an enamored guy before him, telling him again and again how much he liked him while having his hand on his ass. If he didn’t know better, he would think he was dreaming just now.
Wonwoo sillily smiled at him, likely glad to have made the younger laugh. And just then, at that moment, everything felt pleasant and seemingly right.
He didn’t know how long they stayed in that embrace, laughing, smiling, kissing, and in general just in complete trance at being in each other’s company. But after what felt like an hour and a moment at the same time, they walked over to their friends, with whom they talked and ate.
While looking around at his friends and at Wonwoo, who was watching him, too, Chan wasn’t scared any longer of the future. With them by his side, just like this, he would be alright.
Yes, they had a lot to figure out. Especially Chan about himself. But Chan could trust they would just do that; after all, he wasn’t alone any longer.
He had the help of Wonwoo and his friends. In the end, that´s all that mattered.
And maybe someday, when his health and mind were in the right place again, he could return to his first love again. Dance. With the help of the eternal love from those around him.