Chapter Text
Around a month and a half after the hospital, Ellie finally stopped dragging her feet like there were stones around her ankles, and the exhaustion on her face had faded into that of a normal kid’s for the first time in months. The blood that the doctors had stolen had finally worked itself back, and while her legs still hurt really bad some nights, for the most part she was back to normal.
Whatever normal was after everything that she’d been through.
With Maria, Tommy, and Joel all talking in Ellie’s ear about it, she finally agreed to stray from the shelter of her bed and start going to school like all of the other kids in Jackson. It made her feel sort of normal, which was nice.
In the wake of the chemical burn on Ellie’s arm, she felt a little more in control of herself. She’d done that, not David, or another man, or those doctors. She’d done it to her body. She felt like she owned it again, even if only by a little bit.
Once Ellie had her own body back, her mind became a little easier to control, too. She didn’t have nightmares every other night anymore; now, it was more like once or twice a week, which was pretty much a vacation compared to where she’d been a month ago. A part of her was still waiting for the floor to slip out underneath her as soon as she got used to this, but the rest was settling in.
Ellie had missed school. She hadn’t gone to a real school with other kids since she was an infant. The kids had gotten meaner with time, less friendly, but she still liked learning.
The kids were assholes, though, and they all seemed intent on making Ellie’s life a living hell. Every other kid at this school had something to say about her, whether it was the boys laughing about how bony she was, or the girls making snarky comments about the holes in her shoes or the state of her hair.
Ellie hadn’t realized that those things mattered before she’d started school. Before, she’d always been so focused about the things beyond the walls that she’d never had time to feel self-conscious. She did now, though.
Now, Ellie had time. It was kind of peaceful, to finally be able to worry about something so fucking useless. When she was in it, though, it didn’t feel useless. It felt like life or death.
Especially with her new science partner, Dina, who was the prettiest girl that Ellie had ever seen. She had soft brown eyes, and long, wavy hair, and she was really smart, too. She thought it was cool how much Ellie knew about space, which was awesome. Ellie didn’t want to look like a fucking idiot in front of her.
A few weeks into school, Joel found Ellie sitting on the edge of her bed, pouting deeply at the open closet in front of her. That dad sense went off inside of him and whispered that something was up, and he stopped in her doorway. “Hey.” He drew her eyes to his face. “What’s goin’ on?”
Ellie frowned back at her closet. “I don’t have anything to wear, ” She pouted.
Joel stopped the smile that had threatened to spread over his lips. For the last year, he’d been begging God to let Ellie just have the problems that her sister had been given instead of everything else that she’d been put through. It seemed like finally his prayers had been answered, because when he looked at her pouting up at her closet, all he could see was Sarah.
“Daddy! Those don’t go together!”
“They’re both pink,” He’d offered, trying his best.
“I can’t wear pink and pink! It looks weird!”
Joel smiled at the same dilemma on Ellie’s face. “You’ve got plenty of clothes, honey,” He corrected gently while taking a spot in front of her closet. “Look, what about this?” He took her favorite hoodie from its hanger and then began to pass it down, but she shook her head.
“I already wore that this week,” Ellie fussed.
Joel didn’t understand. “But it’s clean,” He shook his head, oblivious.
“But nobody else knows that,” Ellie complained, using that same annoyed tone that her sister had during these conversations, like she couldn’t fathom how her dad didn’t understand. “It looks like I have, like, three fucking shirts.”
Again, Joel managed to keep the smile off of his face. It would sound cruel to anyone else, but he was glad to hear how worried Ellie was. Before, she’d always been scared about goddamn cannibals, or doctors who’d take her brain out of her head like she was nothing more than a petri dish, but now she was worried about clothes. Clothes, he chanted, smiling now. It was so simple. She deserved that.
“ Dad,” Ellie fussed, glaring up at the smile on his face. “This is serious. Everybody thinks I’m fucking feral.”
Joel smiled again. “Well,” He began to drawl, earning himself another glare.
“ Dude,” Ellie huffed as she stood up. “I’m taking one of your shirts,” She called, already down the hall and poking into her father’s closet.
Joel just smiled. Clothes, he repeated to himself, loose. It was so simple and stupid. It eased him so much that he didn’t even think anything could be going on at school. It didn’t matter, though. He’d find out in a day or two.
The kids at school had been getting meaner. Ellie didn’t tell her dad or her uncle, because it felt like such a stupid problem compared to everything else, but things blew up eventually.
One of the boys at school must’ve seen Ellie looking at Dina for a minute too long, because on her way from one class to the other he and his friends began hurling words at her, one in particular. And then they shoved her.
As soon as Ellie felt someone’s hands on her, she was fighting. And that was how she ended up with three boys wailing on her in the middle of the hallway with an ocean of other kids growing around them, cheering or booing with every punch.
All of the boys were from inside of the walls.
Ellie could feel that with how flimsy their kicks and punches were. So, she won, by a lot, which didn’t do her any favors with the faculty.
Ellie was halfway into a twenty-minute-long lecture from the principal, an ice-pack pressed against her now bloodied and bruised face, when her dad showed up.
At the sound of the door opening, Ellie glanced back, as well as the principal. As soon as she made eye contact with her dad, and as soon as he saw her face, the lecture she’d been suffering through was beyond over.
“Wait outside,” Joel outlawed, sparing a second to brush his palm over the top of Ellie’s head before nudging her along. She listened, because arguing with her dad right now with the look that he had in his eyes seemed like an immediate loss.
As soon as the door shut behind Ellie, Joel turned his eyes forward, glaring. The principal readied underneath the look. “Mr. Miller-”
“Why the hell is she the only one sittin’ here?” Joel interrupted. “Did you see her face?”
“I did,” The principal nodded. “But, she broke two boys’ noses.” her tone was cool, and sharp. “And she sprained another’s wrist.”
Joel subdued the corresponding rush of pride. A cloud of anger followed, making it easier. “So there were three boys pickin’ on my kid, and she’s the only one in trouble?”
“The others will have repercussions, too,” The principal promised. “But Ellie hit the hardest.”
Joel’s expression slackened with annoyance. How the hell did that matter?
Ellie was listening to the whole thing. She sat against the other side of the office window, switching between amusement and guilt each time her dad yelled. A corresponding sting of pain ran through her bloody nose, drawing her focus away from the office. She pressed her ice pack closer to her nose, wincing.
The sound of footsteps running down the hall drew Ellie’s eyes.
Dina.
Ellie sat up, debating on whether to try and look tough, or less bloody. She settled into her bloody nose and the bruises on her face, deciding on tough. As soon as Dina looked at her, it fell through. The butterflies in her stomach were too much.
“Hey,” Dina panted down, recovering from her run down the hallway.
“Hey,” Ellie echoed, smirking. A well timed yell from her dad muffled behind them, and she sighed. This was embarrassing.
Dina just laughed. “Your dad sounds pissed,” She commented as she slid down onto the bench beside Ellie.
Ellie sat a little taller at the sudden company. “Yeah,” She agreed absently. Why was talking so hard now?
Dina just smiled again. “I’ve seen your uncle around,” She volunteered suddenly. “He’s really nice. He lets me help out at the stables.” Ellie nodded, quietly thanking her uncle for making her cool to Dina out of relation. “I was gonna ask if you wanted to come by later? If you aren’t, like,” She bowed her eyes towards the office. “In trouble or anything.”
A smile almost took Ellie’s face, but she caught it. “You…” She bowed her eyes down to her bruised knuckles. “... if you, like, feel bad for me or something-”
“That’s not why,” Dina refused, like she was insulted by the mere insinuation on Ellie’s behalf. “I really want you to come.”
Ellie smiled, reluctant. “Really?”
“Yeah,” Dina stressed. “You’re fucking cool. Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for someone to kick Dylan’s ass?” She clasped her hands together like she was praying, which made Ellie giggle. “This is the least I could do.”
Ellie’s smile lasted. This was the first time another kid had been nice to her since Sam, and before that, Riley. She’d missed it. “Okay,” She finally agreed. “I can come by.”
Dina’s face lit up, and Ellie sat in the image. It looked like she was genuinely happy that Ellie was going to be there, which was foreign to Ellie. All of the other kids at school had made fun of her, or had tried and failed to kick the shit out of her. This was a nice change.
“Cool,” Dina grinned, standing. “I’ll see you there, then.”
Ellie smiled after her. “See you,” She echoed warmly, peering down the hallway until Dina was gone. She didn’t even feel the sting of her nose anymore.
Then Joel emerged from the office, the heaviness on his face reminding Ellie of the bruises on her own. “I won,” She offered, trying to make him look a little less worried.
Joel offered a small smile, and then let his hand down for Ellie to take. “I know,” He praised as she laced her fingers with his. They started down the hallway.
“Am I, like, suspended or whatever?”
The corresponding annoyance on Joel’s face was enough of an answer. “You didn’t do anything wrong, baby” His voice was big and heavy, emphasizing the need for Ellie to understand. “You defended yourself, and I’m proud of you. Okay?”
Ellie offered a little smirk. “Okay.” They kept on the path back to their house, though it was a little more peaceful now. Eventually, another smirk took over her face; it grew into a shit-eating grin. “Did you hear I broke two noses?”
A grin spread over Joel’s lips. “Yes, I did.”
“ And a wrist.”
Joel smiled again. “Did they deserve it?”
The smirk on Ellie’s face blinked, replaced by the sour memory of what those boys had called her. She offered a nod in response to her dad’s question, drawing his eyes. When he saw her expression, immediately, he knew what those boys had said.
Ellie thought that her dad didn’t know, but he did. A parent knew their kid. He smiled sadly, remembering when he’d found a DVD of Hercules. Christ, Sarah had fallen in love with that cartoon when she was a teenager. Meanwhile, her sister was always too busy staring up at Meg, and not Hercules.
It was precious, how easy it was to see.
Joel didn’t care. Why the hell would he? If his baby was happy, he was happy. Who the hell cared who it was with?
“I love you,” Joel reminded Ellie suddenly. “There’s nothin’ you could ever do to change that, baby. Do you understand me?”
Ellie kept her eyes glued to her sneakers. “I know.” She didn’t look away until her dad did, but he felt her hand snuggle deeper into his, a hug that she was too anxious to ask for.
Joel read Ellie’s mind, and he gave it anyway.
Dina became a more and more frequent face over the next few weeks, until eventually, she and Ellie were self-proclaimed best friends. Ellie hadn’t had a best friend since Riley, and she’d missed it. It made her happy, and that made her dad happy, and that was nice.
With Dina, Jesse came along, and suddenly, Ellie was part of a friend group for the first time.
With the change, Ellie started spending each day beyond the loneliness of her room, they weren’t so hard to get through. Dina was really nice, and Jesse was really nice, which she was happy about. Her dad and her uncle seemed really happy about it too, more almost.
Tommy even asked if Dina wanted to come to a family dinner with them, seeing as she didn’t have any. Ellie said no, only because she absolutely did not trust him and her dad to not embarrass the hell out of her.
It was nice to see them happier, though.
Ellie didn’t feel like as much of a burden anymore.
A lot of the change was because of how warm the weather was now. It was easier to forget Silver Lake and winter for a few days at a time when the snow was gone, instead replaced with the vibrance that came along with June.
Joel sat out on the porch a lot now that it was warm outside. Ellie had fuzzy memories of him doing the same with Sarah back in Texas, so she tried to sit with him whenever he did, that way he wasn’t lonely. She thought it was a well-hidden intention. It wasn’t, but her dad didn’t care, because his heart had practically melted when he’d first realized.
Joel had found a guitar to accompany their nights. He was starting to teach Ellie.
“Press your fingers down a little harder,” Joel nudged after Ellie strummed the strings. She groaned in response, annoyed with how well-trained his ears were for even a tiny imperfection. Her dad just smiled. It was nice to see her feistiness again. A few months ago, he’d thought it was gone for good. Now, it felt precious.
“My fingers hurt,” Ellie fussed in response, digging her fingers deeper into the strings.
“You’ve gotta build your calluses up,” Joel drawled in response, turning his hand over and revealing the crescent shaped furrows built into his fingers. “C’mon.”
Ellie fussed again, but focused back on the guitar, determined. The entire time, her dad’s fingers had been joining hers on the arm of the guitar to make up for the two that she was missing. It was sort of nice. It made it feel like they were doing it together more.
“A,” Joel repeated, leading Ellie through another note. It didn’t sound so flat this time. She was happy to realize that. Her ears were trained now too, just in a few minutes. “B,” He led them through another, and then looked to her. “Show me now.”
Ellie thought over the strings, and then played against them. Beneath her own fingers, her dad’s followed, making up for her lack. “A,” She repeated, pressing her lips through the pressure against her fingers. “And B.” She found her dad’s eyes after, and he nodded.
“Good job,” Joel praised, pressing a kiss against the side of Ellie’s head. She smiled, and snuggled in closer against him.
“Can you play something?” Ellie nudged then, letting her fingers slip away from the guitar as she cuddled into her dad. He savored it. “You promised,” She added, reminding him.
Joel’s expression softened. “I did,” He echoed gently. It was easy to forget everything before winter, before those men. It was stupid how simple it’d been before he’d gotten hurt. “Don’t laugh,” He pleaded softly as he turned his focus back down to the guitar in his hands.
Ellie watched the calluses on his fingers fit in against the strings. “I won’t,” She promised, snuggling her head into the bottom of her dad’s chin.
“Alright.” Joel pressed a final kiss against the top of Ellie’s head, and then let his chin sink away as he prepared to sing. “ Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy, sunshine in my eyes makes me cry. ” His voice was soft and tender and gentle like everything else about him, and she smiled at the sound, at ease. “ Sunshine on the water looks so lovely, sunshine almost always makes me high.”
Underneath the sound of Joel’s voice, there were gentle strums of the guitar. They were also soft and low gender, mixing in well with his voice. “ If I had a day that I could give you, I’d give to you the day just like today.” Ellie snuggled in closer, content against her dad’s side. “If I had a song that I could sing for you, I’d sing a song to make you feel this way.”
Ellie closed her eyes. She felt so safe suddenly, here on this porch with her dad, with his voice lulling her to sleep underneath the soft afternoon sun. It felt like a conclusion almost, like the last of David’s grip on her, as well as Marlene’s, was finally expunging itself.
“If I had a tale that I could tell you, I’d tell a tale sure to make you smile,” Joel continued, his voice softer and gentler now, because he could feel Ellie settling in more and more against his chest. He smiled through his next words: he’d missed singing her lullabies. “ If I had a wish that I could wish for you,”
“I’d make a wish for sunshine for all the while.”
A breath fell against the top of Ellie’s head, announcing the end of the song. She smiled, and snuggled in closer. “That didn’t suck,” She complimented softly, making her dad smile.
“I’ll take that,” Joel cooed warmly, pressing another kiss against the top of Ellie’s head. She smiled, too, and snuggled in. “I’ll have Uncle Tommy come over tomorrow,” He nudged then, smiling. “We can sing you a duet.”
Ellie giggled at the image. When she tried to picture her uncle singing, all that came was an uneven, drunken-like voice, and she giggled again. She was happy.
Ellie closed her eyes, and settled in against her dad’s chest. She could live on this porch with him, under the sun, warm and safe. “... I love you, Daddy,” She mumbled suddenly, half-asleep.
Joel smiled again. “I love you more,” He promised softly.