Chapter Text
"He wakes up in the middle of the night,
I run in and turn on the light.
Run my hand through his short black hair –
'I love you,'
Harvey, I don't care."
— Harvey, Alex G
The first time Camilla ever felt jealous was when her mom kept directing her attention to a new neighbor that moved in next door to theirs,
It was unfair. How come all that girl did was have a sad back story and suddenly her mom paid more attention to her?
That was just stupid.
Her mom would definitely ground her if she heard her say that, but it was true. She had sad stories about herself, too! Like the times when she tripped and got bruises and scabs on her knees!
It was unfair to get that much attention from just one sad moment in her life.
Camilla huffed as she made her way to her room, stomping a bit louder on the steps while making her way up the the flight of stairs to show her displeasure, but she really doubts her mom heard it.
Then, she sees a girl peak her head from the doorframe of her room, and she almost bristles.
Just what does this girl think she's doing?!
Just because her mom pampers her, doesn't mean she gets the right to march up in her room!
She stops for a moment, and tells the girl -
"You're so annoying. Why does mom think you're so special?"
Thinking back now, it was kind of stupid of her to say that. She remembers the way the girl's shoulders hunched up anxiously as she spoke broken English mixed with another language she didn't quite understand, and rushed back inside the room.
The next day, her mom invites the girl and her aunt over again.
It was.. not that bad, actually. She tried to talk to the girl again that day, and without all the malice that time.
Little Camilla went back up in her room after almost throwing a small tantrum to her mom after she mentioned wanting her to hang out with that weird girl, and she swears she hears her mom say:
"I'm sorry, she's not usually like that. She's sweet, I promise, she's just going through something, apparently."
She scowls a little at that, with as much hate as a little kid can have on her face. Touching the doorknob, she hears faint rustling inside the room. What? –
She opens the door slightly, peering through to see the girl drawing inside.
Slowly, she stepped closer, trying to keep her footsteps as quiet as she could until she could see the drawing closer.
It looked like.. An adult version of the odd girl colored with lighter - almost blonde - longer hair. It slightly surprised her how good the drawing was, even with the smudged face, random splattered Crayola stains on the corner of the paper and eraser shavings that covered it.
"Who is that?"
She could tell that her presence wasn't expected by the way the girl's shoulders rose up and hunched all too quickly.
Again, the girl didn't speak, but she seemed like she understood what she'd asked. It frustrated her a bit, so she left with furrowed brows and heavy footed steps.
The next day, she expected the girl to come by again. It (surprisingly unexpectedly) disappointed her a bit when her mom told her she couldn't come that day. So, she waited.
The next week came and she was still waiting. Why? She couldn't even tell you herself. Some tingly feeling in her stomach just told her that it was right.
Then, there it was. Her mom had catched up with their new neighbor again and were invited to their house to play with the girl, while the girl's.. Mom? Aunt? -Had spoken with Camilla's mom about something.
She tried listening in, but their conversation was too grown up and too boring. She did hear something about the girl's mom (turns out the lady with the girl is her aunt. Huh.) being evil though, and suddenly she felt a bit worse for hating on the girl for doing nothing wrong.
Going up the stairs again- with, of course, one of her favorite trusty boardgames, she stood determined to introduce herself and make sure they become friends. And maybe ask the girl for her name, because she's a bit tired of calling her 'black sad cat' or 'that one girl'.
As she climbed on the steps of the stairs, she looked around to see how gloomy the house looked, but it was probably because they hadn't been done packing yet.
There were some paintings on the wall that had images of Amy only. It was weird, usually it'd be family portraits, but she isn't one to judge their tradition.
Nearing the door, she noticed the boxes outside of it with words she couldn't quite read yet, so she moved them a bit for her to be able to enter inside.
She made her way in the room, and clutched onto the boardgame she'd brought over as she looked around for the girl.
Inside the closet, a faint rustle and rumbling so she opened it quickly, a huge grin on her face as she saw the girl hiding inside.
"Wanna play? I brought some board games!"
She'd said, bringing the toy to her front so it would be seen by the girl.
Nothing was said, except a quiet "Uhm.." and anxious fiddling fingers, but she took it as a yes.
She couldn't help but notice the picture of a woman that looked like the one the girl drew a week prior, but decided not to pry about it.
After all, she's come here to play, not ask silly questions!
It was.. fun, surprisingly and unsurprisingly, and playing boardgames with her was even better than hoping she would disappear so she would stop distracting her mom-
Yep, she really has to stop being upset at Amy for that. After all, they're friends now! It's not right to blame a friend.
"Your hair is short,"
That caught her attention for a moment.
"So is yours,"
She pointed out, tilting her head in confusion.
Instead of saying anything else, the girl crouched closer - the action causing some crayons scattered on the floor of her bedroom to roll over - and ran her hand through her hair.
It felt nice, like she was being pet like a dog. Except she doesn't like being treated like a little puppy.
She still leans into it though, and she could see Amy smile, something unfamiliar to her, but all Camilla could think was –
She's pretty when she smiles.
Camilla only realizes how rude she was the first time they met when Amy talks to her about running away wanting to find her mom during their first Christmas spent as neighbors.
It made her rethink her original malice in the first time they met, and while falling asleep, she'd said :
"Don't leave, I like you being here.."
- With a yawn, all while drifting to slumber.
Ofcourse - that time, she was just a little kid. It was normal to be childish about things.
But.. The first time she felt jealous in a way she couldn't understand herself was with Amy, her long-term childhood friend.
It was when Bibi Reden, the resident psycho (as everybody knows her by) walked by as she tells Amy about what everyone already knows about Bibi.
"Stay away from her. She's crazy."
Just then, the blonde herself appeared behind them, walking by the hallway. Speak of the devil.
She had watched Amy's eyes trace Bibi's figure, and she could swear that she heard the faintest hint of a hitched breath from the black haired girl.
"But she's so pretty though.."
Her eyebrows had practically merged by how hard she forced them together at that comment.
What does she mean by that?
The rest of her day went by with that same thought followed by a tense face, and nobody survived her burning gaze whenever they asked what was troubling her so much.
The second time she felt jealous was right before the Halloween Party they had, where she had asked a guy to try and talk to Amy.
Well, she knew it was a bit wrong to feel jealous when she had initiated that course of action herself, but it had shocked even herself when Amy seemed so.. enthused about hanging with the guy she set set her up with.
(Deep inside her, though, knew that Amy was far too quick to respond in excitement for any of that joy to be real. But.. if Amy really was faking it, what reason would she have had to do so?)
Amy had walked back home with the guy that same night the party went on. It went.. fine, - was the guy's exact words for it,
But it couldn't help the gnawing feeling that built up like the bile on her throat.
The next following days, she could swear that Amy had been avoiding her. And she'd be a fool not to admit that it hurt like hell.
*
Camilla sees the way Amy avoids her eyes now. She could see the way she goes to school way earlier or way later than usual to avoid her.
She could see it because she notices it. She notices them. She sees those things, and, most of all - She notices her.
(She chooses to ignore the way her face flushes and her heart quite literally skips a beat for a moment at that conclusion - or, more like a realization, if she was being truthful to herself.)
And she had thought that it was all that had mattered as long as Amy would allow her to stay by her side, yet..
It was almost a full week since Amy stopped talking to her, and so she did the same.
If Amy doesn't want to talk, then she doesn't want to either. She told her mom that, and all she did was laugh and tell her that Camilla got her stubbornness from her.
Another week passed, and all she could do was helplessly glare at Amy to-
To what, exactly?
To somehow telepathically make her speak to her again?
To make her be friends and hang out again?
It was a bit stupid, she knew, but she didn't really have anything else she could do. Well.. she could just stomp over to Amy and demand her to start hanging out again, but she doesn't even know why the girl is avoiding her.
She doesn't want to be the first to reach out when she doesn't even know what she did wrong.
Nope. She can't do that. She can barely go a day without thinking about Amy again, and she doesn't want to even think about not speaking to the girl at all for so long, and it's only been a week and a half.
(Why she's counting? She doesn't know either. Maybe it was in trepidation or in wait, hoping that maybe some day Amy changes her mind and speaks to her about her troubles. Though.. it's unlikely that'll ever happen st this point, Camilla would know.)
"Uhm- Camilla." Blonde boy; Peter snapped his fingers right to her face, causing her to jump back startled.
"What?" She snarled in harsh whispers.
"Nothing! Nothing," Blondie said, inching closer to her to whisper in her ear; "You're just staring an awfully lot at Amy. Like her or anything?"
She sputtered before pushing his seat away, cheeks blazing. "Or anything." He smirked at that.
After class was over, she scanned over the rambunctious chaos that were students exiting the classrooms as an all too familiar figure retreated out the door.
Amy..
She hadn't realized she'd spoken aloud, and Amy's eyes drifted towards her in shock.
"Ah- Uhm. Yes?"
She blinked a bit, not having thought that far. (Hey, she didn't know Amy would actually talk to her again!)
"We need to talk."
"So.. What as it you wanted to talk about?"
Shoot. She really hadn't thought that far ahead.
"Why have you been ignoring me?" It was a bit embarrassing how her voice faltered, but she couldn't seem pathetic. Not now.
Amy hadn't answered, so her face scrunched up a bit more. The girl knew it aasnt a face of hostility, but she could tell the girl was still a bit uncomfortable with how hard she'd been staring.
"So? Are you not gonna answer my question?" She stepped closer, and Amy's back was nearing the wall dangerously. "You know, it's kind of rude to ignore someone when they're asking something.." Her voice lowered, and she could practically hear Amy's heart beating and hard breath intakes. Huh, odd.
"I-" The dark haired girl's spine hunched uncomfortably as her heart started beating even faster, - which was probably not a good thing at that moment - But all she could focus on was how hot Camilla's breath held right next to her.
Now, Camilla knew Amy didn't like confrontations, but desperate times call for desperate measures. And she means desperate.
"Hm? What? You- you- you what?" She imitated, yet no true meanness coming off of her voice.
"I..." She gulps, unable (or- unwilling) to face Camilla. Here goes the whole truth.. "I like you."
It's Camilla's turn to go into stunned shock.
"When- You asked for the reason, right? Well, here it is. I like you. Well- Well, I liked you.. I guess. I- I always knew you'd never feel the same way as I did, but when you set me up with a guy.. I'm sorry I never told you, but I'm gay. A lesbian. I.. That guy- I just.." She stuttered for a moment, and it seemed like all hell froze over. "You did nothing wrong. I- I was the one wrong for feeling this. I just.. I don't know. I just, - just wish you felt the same."
That.. Was a lot. But it didn't seem like Amy was done quite yet.
"And- and I know that's impossible. I mean, I wished, I hoped, but- That's all it'll ever be. A wish. So.. I'm sorry for ignoring you this long. I just.. I'll just go," She said awkwardly after the rant, briskly going past a stunned Camilla.
Now, Camilla didn't have anything against queer people. It's just..
Coming from Amy? Her Amy? (Again, she chose to ignore the ever increasing flush at those thoughts) - Her childhood friend?
That.. Was certainly unexpected. So why does she feel so.. giddy at that semi-confession?
And what does Amy mean by 'liked'? Why.. Why doesn't she like her now? And.. why does she want Amy to keep liking her?
*
Amy had been stalking Peter.
Or, atleast, that's what she had initially thought.
"Are you interested in Peter or something?" Was what she had wanted to say, but again..
"I'm gay. A lesbian." She remembered Amy saying.
So, instead, she settled for: "Why have you been hanging out with that girl?!" She had said again to Amy, the same desperation and betrayal rising in her tone again, but at this point she knows she shouldn't expect that advice to actually process in the girl's brain.
She just can't help the pathetic desperation that bubbles up underlying her words though, no matter how hard she'd tried.
Her brain shoots back into action as she realizes her current position right now, and something in her heart clenches painfully at how she's pinning the girl to the wall.
"Don't..- Don't you remember what I told you last time? Why.. Why aren't you.."
She could tell Amy was about to say 'Why aren't you disgusted by me?' , and her answer would've been 'Because I can't ever be. Not by you, especially.'
- And its silly how romantic that may sound, but it was the truth. Then, there was a scary thought. That- There was a small, tiny, true realness to how much those words would have meant, if said aloud. (And.. And maybe, just maybe.. she felt the exact same as Amy.)
If it weren't for Bibi interrupting with a "Are you bullying Amy?", her whole system would've malfunctioned.
So why is it that she doesnt feel glad that Bibi stopped them before that moment escalated?
Snapping back to reality, she sighed and let go of Amy.
"This is none of your business, yeah? Why don't you just go back to whatever hell hole you were birthed from." The scowl in her face must've been scary, because she swore she could see Amy shiver at her worlds.
"Because I'm Amy's friend!" Bibi smiled, non-threatening yet in warning.
"Since when?" She snarked, but it didn't seem like Bibi would back down any time soon.
"Why don't you mind your own business then, huh?" Her question being completely ignored, she chose to back down and just leave, but definitely not in defeat. Never.
If it's a challenge Bibi wants, it's a challenge she'll be getting.
She won't let anyone just treat Amy like she's a servant that is only allowed to listening to every command spoken. After all,
Amy is her friend.
Even if it hurts slightly to think about just being friends with her.