Chapter Text
Ever since he thought he killed Tsukasa, Rui's been getting nightmares.
Ones where he hates him are the easiest to deal with, Rui had been preparing for that his whole life. They'd fight, and they'd fight, and they'd fight. Until his death. Never Tsukasa's. It was him drawing out the fight anyway.
But then, there are the dreams where Tsukasa holds his hand over his heart, and looks at him like he was the only thing that mattered. Only for Rui's body to move on its own and end it.
No, wait.
That happened in real life, didn't it?
Tsukasa's weight fell against him, blood pouring out his side. The ground dyed red as Rui stood still, with his knight sliding down his leg. He lay at his foot; a scene that in another life could have been called victory. Instead, Rui just felt sick. The pain he had felt from his other half faded into less than nothing.
"I was always meant to be your knight." His knight had said.
"It's my choice."
Rui swallowed, cold shivers running through his body. The blood kept pooling at his feet, his world motionless despite the war raging behind him. He tried lifting his shoe and the mop of blond at his feet lolled to the side to reveal dull eyes. The same eyes that previously had so much fire in them, they now stared blankly at the battlefield. He had just smothered that fire by his own hand.
His knight.
Rui kneeled down, his breaths quickening. He put his hand on Tsukasa's cheek, feeling the heat move to his hand but not returning.
Someone had dared to reach out to him, and this was how he responded. His soulmate, murdered by his own hands.
Despite himself, he screamed. Rui screamed his knight's name like a spell that would wake him. A spell that was filthy on his lips, and got further defiled every time it retched out of his mouth. As if he couldn't ruin it anymore, it layered over every ugly voice crack and every vile hiccup that escaped him, just because he danced with their star-crossed fate.
It should've been him. Him with the sullied soulmark and cursed hands. Him who had been imprinted with hate.
It should have been him.
As he sobbed, a cold hand brushed his cheek. He leaned into it, tried to get possessed by it, even when he knew its danger. He looked at the pale image of the person he'd never be able to love, slowly moving his lips.
"It should have been you, Rui." He heard, as he brought himself closer to its condemning chill.
Because to Rui, that was comfort.
___________
Morning came too quickly.
Tsukasa could feel shifting underneath him, even in his unconsciousness, and he woke up to Rui attempting to extract himself from his hold. This proved impossible as Tsukasa had him pinned down, and he didn't intend on letting him leave.
"Don't go." He managed to mumble with his tired morning voice. Rui's struggling immediately ceased. As he blinked away his tiredness, Tsukasa could easily feel Rui's tension.
"About what you saw..." Rui started, and Tsukasa dragged his head up to look at him. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have needed to see that."
"What do you mean?"
Rui looked away and Tsukasa's grogginess snapped into annoyance, far quicker than it usually would.
"I'm being serious! I've seen worse when it comes to injuries, but if you're apologising for the circumstances then don't. It's not something to apologise for."
His words had little effect on Rui.
"...if you say so."
Tsukasa lifted himself off his chest. "Don't just dismiss me, talk to me about it!"
"I've warned you about my bad habits. What more is there to say?" Rui replied calmly. Almost sadly. Tsukasa's ire lessened, leaving behind a bit of guilt.
"You must have had a reason for starting. You can tell me."
Rui sighed. "What if I don't want to?"
"As much as I'd like to respect that, I can't. Not in good faith. So... I'll have to keep you here until you do." Tsukasa said seriously, but Rui didn’t seem threatened by it.
"You won't achieve anything, I'm too far gone. You saw it yourself." Rui said matter-of-factly.
"There's always room to get better." Tsukasa replied, sitting back to give him space. "Can't you trust me to help?"
Rui remained silent, somewhere between judging and incredulous. On some level, he was right to be sceptical, Tsukasa didn't have anything to back up his words other than his own confidence. That confidence meant little too, it was the same confidence he had spoken with when challenging Rui at first. He was getting ahead of himself, Rui had no reason to trust him.
"..."
"...I'm sorry for asking so much of you." Tsukasa bowed his head.
Rui startled at his sudden shift and sat up.
"But even so," Tsukasa continued. "I want you to be ok. I'll do anything to make that happen." His voice had dropped.
In the corner of his vision, he could see Rui struggling with his next words.
"...Why?"
Too many reasons. He needed to make up for ruining everything for them. He had a duty to Rui as his soulmate, the same as he did to his family or to the kingdom, and he had immediately forgotten it. But the most important reason he could think of...
Tsukasa hesitantly lifted his hand and moved it to cup Rui's face; Rui didn’t react at all. His thumb ran over the neutral edge of his mouth, sending a wave of shame through himself.
"So, when I was younger, I liked to imagine what it'd be like when we met. I'd do it quite a bit, whenever I had nothing better to think about, or even just when I wore short sleeves. And in all my imaginings, we were laughing and smiling... but you haven't smiled once because of me. At least, not one of happiness."
Rui's hand raised and held Tsukasa's wrist. He had the mercy not to remove it. "That's not your fault, it's been a while since I've smiled. At this point, it may just be a defect with me."
"You're not defective!" Tsukasa's other hand bunched up the bedsheets under him. "No one can say you're defective just for having no reason to smile, not even yourself. Especially not yourself, don't talk like that."
"Then what? Should I lie and say I'm normal?"
"No but... you're not bad. You think you are, but you're not. And I want to treat you right, because I want to see who you can be when you realise that."
Rui shifted uncomfortably. "Tsukasa-kun, this is just who I am. If it isn't, then I don't know."
"That's why we'll find out."
Rui's hand cupped his, before taking it off and leaving it on his lap. He never took his eyes off it. With how hard he was thinking, Tsukasa had time to start longing to take off the blocker. It was unfortunate he hadn't proven himself worthy.
Finally, Rui looked up. "If you'll put up with me. I'll be in your care."
"Huh?" Tsukasa looked up too.
"You're very persistent, it'd be cruel of me to keep denying you. And really, I've already agreed to stay with you for the time being, I don't mind whatever it is you do with me."
"You make it sound like torture." Tsukasa frowned at Rui's resigned tone.
"You're right, this does not sound pleasant to me. I'm ungrateful, but if you'll still have me like this, I have nothing better to do."
He supposed it would do. If it was the only path forward, then so be it, this was all to help Rui anyway.
"Then, will you tell me why you were cutting yourself?"
"Sure."
Rui's stare turned blank, as if he were detaching himself from the circumstance. It made Tsukasa's instincts go wild, screaming at him to make Rui comfortable before proceeding.
"Can I hold you?" He lay his palm flat open in front of him, inviting Rui.
"Maybe." Rui mumbled, not moving. Tsukasa shuffled closer to him on his knees.
"Ok, tell me if you don't like it."
Tsukasa made Rui's head rest against his chest, and sat down with him in his arms.
"Why do you like doing this?" Rui asked before anything else. Tsukasa paused for a moment, giving thought to his answer.
"...I've been told I give good hugs." He replied, because it was true, his siblings loved his hugs! Ones that they said relieved their heavy feelings, and pushed their pains away. Why not give that to Rui?
Rui accepted this answer and relaxed into him, as the only sounds in the room became the quiet songs of birds singing outside, and their own steady breathing. Until Rui took a sharp inhale.
"I started because I wanted to remove my soulmark, but no matter what literature I read, the concept seemed impossible without altering your sense of self. The only way to get fully rid of a soulmark is to get rid of any connection to your soulmate, but that's impossible without other psychological trauma. I didn't find another option, other than taking the skin off."
Tsukasa hummed in acknowledgement.
"I know I don't need to do it anymore, but I can't stop. Then again, I don't think I could handle seeing it still."
"How long has it been?" Tsukasa kept stroking Rui's head at a steady pace. He didn't know when he'd started, but Rui had only relaxed further since.
"When I was young, my parents would cover it up for me with makeup. Then I had to move and didn't have access to that so... I think six years?"
"Ok. Thank you for telling me." Tsukasa replied simply. He hoped, with his understanding, that Rui would feel less alone in this. Even with his explanation, he knew he'd never fully understand the depths Rui went through, but he would do his best to try.
He felt Rui's face move. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine. I'm here for you."
"I still can't promise I'll get better." Rui seemed to shrink in Tsukasa's arms.
"You don't need to, I'll stay anyway."
Tsukasa continued patting Rui's head, feeling the tension Rui had been feeling since morning slowly melt away. He watched the daylight move across his wall, and found himself glad that there was no hurry today. Eventually, when he finally checked Rui's face, he found that he was peacefully asleep.
Careful not to wake him, he lay Rui back onto the bed, and got out to take note of what he needed to do. There was the matter of finding Rui new clothes, figuring out a proper diet plan, buying groceries... all while making sure he didn't overexert himself; he wouldn't want to make anyone worry.
Why did it feel like he was forgetting something? He may need to buy a steady supply of bandages, both for Rui and his own injuries. What else?
After a while of pondering, he heard the front door slam against a wall, outside his room. He rushed out of the room to see his furious sister in the atrium, with a bunch of bags.
Ohh, he'd been so focused on Rui, he'd forgotten to tell Saki he'd been released from the hospital.
...
Shit.
It was a month later until they got some news on communications with the dark kingdom. A postal system had been established, and one of the couriers, who Tsukasa personally knew, didn't mind tracking down wherever Rui might want to send a letter to. Travel between the two kingdoms would soon open up too, and Tsukasa knew he was personally dreading it, even if he pretended otherwise.
He thought he'd been making a lot of progress with Rui, even if they'd taken to sleeping together every night to avoid a repeat incident. It didn't always work, but it helped. This meant Rui didn't get to use his room properly, but even so, he, Saki (who had quickly warmed up to his soulmate), and even Mizuki (seriously, when had they become friends?!) had decorated the place top to bottom with things he might like. Hopefully, from the way the items moved around every time Tsukasa had come in, Rui liked how it had turned out.
Sometimes, he'd even walk in to a smile. Tsukasa knew his heart skipped a beat every time it happened, but he tried not to think about what that meant too hard. Rui had yet to smile at him like that, and maybe that day would kill him.
Rui wrote three letters for Tsukasa to send off, briefly telling him about who each of them was addressed to while handing them over.
"This letter is to my neighbour. This one is to my uncle, and this is a separate one to my cousin. You might know her as my roommate during the war."
"Eh?"
"She's pretty much the reason I'd never have to fight on the battlefield, when she realised how little interest I had in it."
"Oh. You must have been close then?"
"You could say that."
Tsukasa took the letters off of him, noticing that two of the addresses were the same. He supposed it was better to separate out the contents into different envelopes if they had different recipients.
The letters were sent off. Within a week they got two replies. Rui didn't share what these replies said, but he had one of his unnaturally neutral expression while he received them. Strange, Tsukasa had hoped to see him smile again.
And then, they got news that the borders had opened. He saw Rui's determination to leave as soon as he heard it, and Tsukasa knew his heart was in deep trouble. The time they spent together from then felt oddly charged, though he noticed that Rui came to him more freely and stayed by his side while Tsukasa preoccupied himself. It got worse when he noticed Rui smiling at him, he might have even died for a bit.
A week later, and he was seeing Rui off at a station for travel carriages. It had felt like no time at all, Tsukasa's injury wasn't even fully healed, yet Rui was ready to leave him. He'd even gained noticeable strength from the amount Tsukasa had made him eat (even if he'd somehow escape the vegetables).
"Tsukasa-kun..?" Rui's voice rang out to him. He had gained so much life during his time living with him. Tsukasa looked over him and his travelling bag filled to its brim with food and other supplies. The carriage was leaving soon. Tsukasa started blinking, there was nothing left to check over. His hands left Rui.
"Ok, that's everything." Tsukasa said. "I guess this is goodbye."
"Is it?"
"Isn't it?"
He heard the driver call for boarding. Rui didn't move.
"Tsukasa-kun, can you close your eyes? I have a gift."
Tsukasa made a noise of confusion as Rui closed his eyes for him anyway. He didn't dare open them, though he hoped Rui wouldn't be as cruel as to just run away and leave him like this while he boarded.
"Are you prepared?"
"Yes Rui, you don't need to drag it out."
"But I do, because it's punishment for something you forgot Tsukasa-kun."
Tsukasa was struck with fear, made worse by his high nerves. "Forgot? I'm sorry... was it important?"
Rui hummed, and Tsukasa swore he was getting closer.
"Incredibly so. I sincerely won't be able to survive without it."
"I wouldn't forget something like that." He replied, somewhat confidently.
"Ah really? I suppose it's a good thing it remembered. Three... Two... One...!"
Tsukasa heard a click, and felt himself get warmer. More comfortable. Did Rui cast a spell on him? He'd done that once before while testing a healing spell, but the feeling wasn't the same. The sound of the driver calling got louder.
"Keep your eyes closed." Rui whispered in his ear.
Tsukasa felt his face get cupped, and a thumb tap his bottom lip. There was an extra nervousness that he couldn't pinpoint, it didn't feel like his own.
Wait.
Tsukasa opened his eyes to see Rui's face directly in front of his. His eyes widened and Rui pulled back. So much anxiety.
"Sorry. I took off the blocker Tsukasa-kun! If that's alright with you. I've been feeling better, so I hope it hasn't negatively affected you. Here–" Rui placed the band in Tsukasa's hand, and he took it without resistance. Mostly because he was still in a daze.
Slight disappointment, hidden over a thin happiness.
Tsukasa shook himself out of it. "I guess I did forget something then. I definitely missed this."
He paused as he watched Rui's face, the disappointment he felt from him not showing on his face. Tsukasa thinks he knows the reason, and he hopes he's right. He grabbed the front of Rui's shirt and quickly pushed himself up, letting their lips briefly meet for the first time. It was so small and imprecise, but Tsukasa found Rui's cute surprise outweighed it all.
"Is that the other thing I forgot?"
Rui remained speechless. The driver made the last call and Tsukasa found it in himself to push him there so he could make it. It was fine, maybe that was all he had needed.
As they reached the simple carriage and Rui was pulled on, Tsukasa could feel sadness. The back of the carriage door closed, but its open nature let Tsukasa squeeze in final words.
"Rui? I'm sorry if that wasn't–"
Rui's head peeked over at him. "It was. I want more, Tsukasa-kun... You'll give me more when I come back right?"
The carriage started.
"Of course, you can have them all when you come back!"
Rui smiled. "Thank you, Tsukasa-kun."
Tsukasa waved until he could no longer see the cart, feeling the bittersweet from them both. He didn't know right now when he'd see Rui next, but that didn't stop them both from pushing their feelings back and forth until they both fell asleep. It could almost feel like they were still together, if he forgot the fact that he was holding a pillow to sleep instead of Rui.
After a fortnight, Tsukasa got his first letter from Rui, though he'd had an idea of how he'd been doing. Nights seemed a bit harder for both of them, Tsukasa refused to sleep before Rui did. Was this slightly detrimental to his own health? Maybe, but he couldn't sleep with the fear that Rui might do something and have no one to comfort him.
He had just restarted his knight's training, so he no longer could always pay attention to what his other half was doing. Sometimes he'd forget, until some strong emotion that wasn't his peeked through.
The letter seemed to explain why he felt the way he did. After a brief audience with the ruler, Rui had to go to live with his uncle and aunt again. He had no choice apparently, as they had asked for him back, though he did say he had no other real place to go. There seemed to be some conflict, and Rui had only gone back for the sake of his cousin.
I have been telling her that this household doesn't have her best interests at heart. He wrote. I'm sure deep down she knows as much. In any case, I would like to find a way to get us both back to the light kingdom, where she can be out of their reach and free to pursue as she wishes. While I'm sure you'd be ecstatic to host another guest, I believe it best that she can find her own footing in a completely new environment. If you know anyone willing to take in someone, that would be for the best. I might also note she is also quite the apt nurse, though she hasn't been able to pursue the qualification. I have full faith she'd be able to when given the opportunity.
The rest of the letter was filled with flowery prose on how much he missed Tsukasa, which might have caused his heart to stop beating at some point. Sometimes it felt like it hadn't really taken too long for Rui to open up, and maybe no one had tried hard enough. In that case, Tsukasa could only imagine how he'd been treated when at his relatives house. Where were his parents, surely Rui could stay with them? He had mentioned having to move away from them at some point but why?
Well, the sooner he found a place for Rui's cousin, the better. It was best to get started now.
Tsukasa found himself waiting at the station, a month after Rui's last letter. His and Saki's birthday had even passed, so he was no longer a child! Truly, he could say some things had changed since he had parted with Rui.
Next to him stood Honami and the young princess herself, Kanade, who was shyly behind her. Tsukasa had to stand straighter in her presence, even if he wasn't on duty.
When he had asked Honami, he hadn't expected her to talk to the princess who she housekept for! Apparently, there had been a staff shortage of nurses since the war ended, and the young princess was quite frail. She wasn't thrown off by the idea of housing a nurse-in-training, who used to kill for the other side. Tsukasa had a good name, and if he could vouch for the aspiring nurse then what should be the issue? If anything, her knightly experiences could help.
Rui himself had been shocked at the interest, but came to the conclusion that it was an opportunity they couldn't miss. So here they were, the carriage just about coming into view. As much as Tsukasa would love to shout out, he had to remain formal with royalty by his side.
"Is that it?" The white-haired princess asked Honami, who nodded.
"It won't be much longer." Is what Honami replied. Tsukasa normally would have agreed, but somehow still found himself impatient.
The carriage rolled in and the back opened up. Tsukasa had a second to wonder when Rui would come out before he was tackled by said man. There went his dignity, torn up right in front of the future ruler.
"Tsukasa-kun, I missed you~" Rui whined into his shoulder. Tsukasa tried to steady himself against Rui's weight.
"I know."
Behind Rui's large frame, Tsukasa could just about make out another purple-haired person. He might even recognise her slightly, if he thought back to the war. Honami stepped forward.
"Is this...?"
Rui pulled back from Tsukasa and signalled, who Tsukasa supposed was, his cousin forward. She had a neutral face that almost reminded Tsukasa of Rui's resting face a few months ago.
"Hello, I'm Asahina Mafuyu. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance."
"Likewise, Asahina-san." Tsukasa replied. In the corner of his eye he noticed Honami urge the princess forward.
The princess froze up, and mumbled something.
"Thank you, I might grow it out." Asahina apparently caught what the princess said somehow. Rui looked over at them curiously; Tsukasa wished he could have caught what her highness had said, but he could easily deduce it was about Asahina's short hair.
Honami seemed delighted. "Should we get going then? If you don't mind Asahina-san, showing you where you'll be staying might take a while."
Asahina looked over at Rui, who tilted his head and provided nothing further. Tsukasa sighed.
"Before we part ways Asahina-san, we must arrange for a proper introduction later. Just let me know when you're next available at your earliest convenience."
"Right, um, Tenma-san. I'll let you know as soon as I can."
"Great! As I'm a knight you might see me around the castle, don't be afraid to come up to me!"
Asahina nodded. "Will do."
"There's a carriage waiting for us Asahina-san. We'll see you later, Tsukasa-san, Kamishiro-san." Honami waved at them and started walking away at a pace so that the princess could keep up. Mafuyu trailed behind them, only glancing back at Rui once more before following along.
Once they left the platform, Rui and him were the only two left.
"Did you not have something more to say to her?" Tsukasa asked, wondering why they hadn't exchanged many words. If it were him and Saki, they'd both be in tears.
"No? I said everything I needed to on the journey here, and I'll see her later. It's best if she forgets about me for now, or she'll never find her own footing."
"That's... doesn't sound right somehow." Tsukasa muttered, confused by the idea. Rui shrugged in reply.
"The princess seems nice. It sounds like she's Mafuyu's soulmate."
"WHAT?!"
"Mafuyu's showed me her words once, and her soulmate complimented her hair. I was surprised to hear she's wanting to grow it out. I'm glad she'll be in safe hands." Rui started mumbling as he buried himself further into Tsukasa's arms. The weight increase made him realise that he needed to start picking up on his training.
"Isn't fate odd?" Rui eventually started.
"You mean your cousin being the literal princess's soulmate?" Tsukasa asked, still in disbelief that he'd been present for such an event.
"I guess, but think about it. If not through me being your soulmate, how would Mafuyu have ever met the princess Kanade? Does it mean... this was always supposed to happen? Me giving in to you? Coming back here?"
"Does it matter now?"
"I mean yes, considering it's an infringement on my freewill." Rui spoke more to himself. "But I suppose it shouldn't matter if we can perceive our freewill."
"Whatever you say Rui." Tsukasa replied. Rui held him tighter, somehow.
"I missed you, regardless of if our fates were tied."
"You didn't do too badly alone." That was a white lie. Rui knew it too.
"...Tsukasa-kun?"
"Hmm?"
"Now that I'm back, can I stay with you forever?"
Tsukasa's eyes widened. "Forever?"
"I know it's a big request, but there's nowhere else I want to be."
"It's not at all, I'm yours aren't I? I just didn't expect it, you never really showed interest in staying in one place."
"I didn't think a single place could be so comfortable." Rui squeezed him for emphasis. Tsukasa laughed.
"If you say so. Come on, we look weird standing here by ourselves. Let's go home and we can go from there."
Rui didn't let him move, and Tsukasa found that he was too heavy to drag along.
"What is the– Mmph?!"
Tsukasa reflexively closed his eyes as Rui's face covered his vision. Dry lips kiss his own, and they begged him to give in to them. Instead, Tsukasa started beating Rui's shoulder until he could breathe fresh air again. Rui whined pitifully.
"Don't do that," Tsukasa scolded between breaths. "Wait until we can get home and I can give you the water you clearly need!"
Rui wet his lips. "But I have a kiss deficit..."
"A kiss what? Nevermind that, we're in public!"
"No one's around." Rui mumbled into his ear, and Tsukasa tried to will away the demons that were telling him to give in.
Rui tilted his head up to meet his eyes, and Tsukasa lost to the demon. He couldn't see the same Rui who he had to beg to stay with him; no, he thinks Rui's changed beautifully. Maybe they deserved this little happiness. Even if he knew more was to come, a little more couldn't hurt.
His eyes flicked to Rui's lips, sealing his fate. When Rui smiled, Tsukasa didn't know who to thank for the sight in front of him.
"You know Tsukasa-kun... Thank you for not giving up on me. You've given me so much that I'll forever be in debt to you. I'll give you my everything, so please continue to take care of me."
Tsukasa replied by holding the back of Rui's neck and pulling him into a long kiss, revelling in their shared happiness. He knows it will only get better from here.
He'll do anything to protect Rui's smile.
_________
Sometimes in Rui's dreams, he'll see the Tsukasa who hates him. When he walks up to his lover, he's met with a cold look and vicious words. It vaguely reminded him of a time.
This Tsukasa would challenge him, eventually run a sword through him because he still can't fight back properly, and Rui would get to die in his arms.
And then at the faded end of the dream, Tsukasa says he's sorry for it all. That he didn't expect it to go this way either. The watercolour world falls apart at its seams, and Rui replies to dream Tsukasa that he wasn't angry. He's happy to see such a handsome face as his last.
And then, he wakes up in the real Tsukasa's arms with daylight breaking through the curtains. Tsukasa's soulmark is visible because of his short sleeves. His own is slowly healing on top of his scars.
He finds himself glad to be awake.