Chapter Text
Tony Writhed on the floor and Ellie put her hands to her hips.
“Well… OK...that didn’t QUITE go as expected…” She thought for a moment and snapped her fingers. “But I can work with this!”
She pointed at her dad and then at Tony writhing on the floor. Deadpool obediently took Tony’s arms and started to drag him out of the living room. A small rug bunched up underneath the billionaire scientist as he was dragged across the floor. One of Tony’s shoes was dislodged and was quickly abandoned.
“...but I dated supermodels….” Tony whispered panicked to himself “they had the best BOOBS...what would my dad say? What would Pepper say? I can’t-”
Wade accidentally bumped Tony’s head against a baseboard as he dragged Tony around a corner into the hallway.
Tony didn’t even seem to notice. “...I don’t look good in booty shorts…” Tony whispered “and I don’t want to paint the Iron Man suit rainbow colors…”
As Wade and Tony disappeared around the corner Ellie skipped over to Captain America and took one of his hands “Come on Mr.America! I have a surprise for you! You’ll love it!!”
Steve sighed and leaned down towards the girl “...Ellie… I know what you’re doing and I appreciate it but…”
Ellie only laughed and tugged him down the hallway. “Come on!”
Steve sighed and followed after the girl.
Steve sat down at the table in the dining room, his brows furrowed in worry as Ellie held up a fork of spaghetti to a seemingly almost-comatose Tony . Little red pasta sauce stains striped across Tony’s left cheek as Ellie tried unsuccessfully to jab the fork of spaghetti into his mouth.
Wade lit the candles on the table, his suit partially obscured by an apron
Deadpool winked at Captain America suggestively “Spero che la vostra serata romantica ha un lieto fine”
Wade then picked up a case covered in scratched hello kitty stickers and unlatched the clasps. He took a battered violin from the case and started to play.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aHVb_SWHPM
Ellie wrinkled her nose and turned to her father. “Is that the Mario theme song?”
Wade looked shifty for a moment and awkwardly shifted from foot to foot “.....no?...”
Ellie sighed.
Tony mumbled to himself. “....I have a terrible fashion sense...Pepper has always bought my clothes for me….”
Wade was still playing the violin but he tossed a little tube of strawberry-scented lube to Steve “Lubrificante per il pene nel culo” Wade nudged him playfully.
“.....I can feel the dicks…..” Tony whispered wide-eyed “....invading my mind…..”
Deadpool grinned “That's not the only place that-”
Steve slammed his hands against the table “WILL YOU JUST STOP?!”
Ellie paused where she had been trying to feed Tony the fork hanging despondently.
Steve waved angrily at Tony “Why are you acting like THIS is the worst thing that ever happened to you?” He pointed at the arc reactor in his chest “You were BLOWN UP and had THAT put in your chest!”
Something snapped in Tony. “EXCUSE ME.” he glared at Steve “I DIDN’T ASK TO BE THIS! I NEVER WANTED TO BE THIS AND-”
Tears started to roll down Tony’s cheeks “ AND GREAT.” He shook his head in frustration “THEY GAY MUST BE GETTING TO ME BECAUSE I’M ACTING LIKE A SISSY AND-”
“YOU THINK AFTER 50 YEARS YOU PEOPLE WOULD HAVE SOLVED THIS!” He gestured angrily at Tony “50 YEARS INTO THE FUTURE AND YOU PEOPLE ARE STILL ACTING LIKE THIS IS SOME KIND OF HORRIBLE DISEASE!”
Steve huffed and ran a hand across his face, calming himself down “...You don’t have to change who you are Tony…” Steve sighed “You don’t have to wear booty shorts or paint the suit rainbow for FUCKS SAKE.”
“You haven’t stopped being you. This doesn’t change who you are.”
Tony looked despondently into the spaghetti on the table.
Steve continued “And you don’t have to act like a fucking manly man 110% of the time either as if the moment you show emotions mean that you have to revoke your ‘man-card’....”
“...They’ll treat me differently….” Tony whispered.
“...Yeah….” Steve agreed.
“My dad-”
“...I know…” Steve sighed and gave Tony an understanding look.
Wade was frozen by the side of the table with his apron and his violin “...holy fucking shit that got REAL right there…”
Steve turned to Ellie. Ellie clutched the Gay-Ray ™ in her arms protectively.
Steve got on his knees in front of the child and held out his hand.
“Sweetheart please give me the gun.”
Ellie shook her head “no this wasn’t supposed to…” tears filled her eyes “...you were supposed to be HAPPY….”
Steve shook his head “I know what you were trying to do…” he gave Ellie a watery smile “And it’s very sweet that you you want us to be happy…”
Steve looked at her intently “What you did came out of a place of love...You saw two people who you desperately wanted to see happy so you took matters into your own hands to try and make that happen.”
Steve frowned “but that's not how love works.” Tears rolled down Ellie’s cheeks “Love takes a lot of patience, and a lot of work. People come together and they grow apart and sometimes they stumble into love.”
He smiled at her sadly “That's just not something you can force…”
Ellie looked down at her shoes.
“Please...give me the gun…”
Ellie sighed, she looked down to the gun and then back up at Steve, her big brown eyes still wet with tears.
She handed him the gun.
Steve took the gun. “Thank you Ellie now-” he sniffed the barrel of the gun. “Why does this smell like sour cream and onions?”
Wade piped in “I just thought that was what concentrated gay smelled like.”
Tony’s face scrunched up “gay wouldn’t smell like sour cream and onions!”
Wade put his hands on his aproned hips. “Then what would gay smell like?”
Tony shrugged “you know what you’re in a department store and you walk by the scented candles?”
“Cinnamon and ocean breeze?”
“Yeah exactly.”
Steve ripped the wrapping off the tube of the gun. Underneath the foil read “Pringles sour cream and onion.”
“Son of a bitch…”
In the U.S congress a man in a cowboy hat was sobbing curled up into a ball underneath the podium. Papers were flying everywhere and someone’s briefcase was on fire. Two elderly white men were crying while kissing in the middle of the aisle.
Steve took one look at the scene and his shoulders slumped.
“Oh boy.”
Wade, Ellie and tony walked in behind him.
“ITS HIM!” one of the men stopped where they had been feverishly making out to point at Deadpool. “YOU DID THIS TO US!”
Steve held up his hands in a placating gesture “other than being an ass in general he didn’t do anything to anyone.”
“WE SAW HIM HE-”
Steve threw the gun in front of the congressmen the torn foil showing the Pringles label. “IT WAS A TUBE OF PRINGLES WITH A FLASHLIGHT AT THE BOTTOM!”
The men stopped in their tracks. The briefcase was still on fire.
“HA I KNEW WE WEREN’T PERVERTS!” one man joyously yelled.
“SHUT UP!” Steve yelled. He motioned towards them. “LOOK AT YOURSELVES!”
Steve took to the podium “Gay people aren’t sick. They aren’t deranged. They aren’t going out to ruin your children or corrupt society.”
He shook his head. “They’re PEOPLE.”
Steve looked angrily out into the audience “I FOUGHT for an America that cares for it’s people, regardless of who they are. I FOUGHT for an America that allows people their FREEDOM.”
He shook his head. “You’ve all been fighting to protect America’s “ideals” and the “traditional’ America. The same “traditional” America that I came from all that time ago.”
“You haven’t been protecting America. You’ve been STIFLING her!”
“Because if you think that gay people didn’t exist back then, well Bucko, they may not have been out of the closet but they were THERE. They fought just as hard as any for the AMERICAN FREEDOM that you use now to blow hot air out your asses!”
Captain America looked out into the crowd “I fight for ACTUAL American ideals. The idea that you have the right to be whatever you want to be and YES that DOES include loving whoever you want to love.”
Captain America dropped the mic dramatically as the senators stood back astonished. He began to stalk out of the room and-
“Oops actually let me just pick that up sorry about that.” Captain America quickly retrieved and righted the mic and then continued to stalk dramatically out of the room.
Ellie held Wade’s hand as they walked down the hallway. Ellie looked thoughtfully out into space “Well I think I learned some stuff on some things.”
Wade looked down at his daughter. “Always check to see if your gay inducing weapon is actually a pringles tube and a blue flashlight?”
Ellie nodded “Well that too, but mostly that you shouldn’t try to force people to be something they aren’t….”
Wade hummed and swung his and his daughter’s clasped hands as they walked down the hallway.
Tony walked next to Steve down the hallway. “So…” he began awkwardly. “Back when he first shot us with the “Gay-Ray” how did you stay so calm?”
Steve smiled and shrugged “Well I figured if you shot a bisexual person with a Gay-Ray they would still be bi.”
Tony gaped for a moment “Wait YOU-” Tony stopped himself and shook his head “Actually...Good for you.”
Steve smiled and bumped shoulders with him amicably. “Wanna go grab a cup of coffee?”
Tony grinned “Yeah.”
“With whipped cream and sprinkles.”