Chapter Text
They stared at each other for a while, a long while at that. After all, she realized she didn’t exactly remember Jackie’s face that well. They were too stunned to speak. She had no idea where she was or why she was back in this fucking woods. She only remembered being in Lottie’s cult camp in the middle of a fucking hunting ritual, exactly like it had happened here years ago. She could still hear the girls’ screams in the back of her mind.
Jackie crossed the door and hugged her, tears staining her cheeks. She hugged her back, of course, maybe they hadn’t always seen eye-to-eye, but she wasn’t an insensitive bitch. Now they were both crying, realization finally dawning on Nat. They went inside after that and sat by the fire. It was weird at first, not feeling the heat, but the image was comforting enough. Nat cried for a while there, Jackie always by her side.
Once Nat calmed down, as much as she could, Jackie answered every question.
“What is this fucking place?” Nat asked trembling.
“Some kind of in-between, like a sort of purgatory, I think.” Jackie said calmly.
“So, you’ve been here all this time?”
“Yup, been here for a while now. Not sure what comes next, though.”
“Really? Shit”
“Yeah, shit indeed. It’s not so bad once you get used to it. Not gonna lie, not being hungry is weird, but at least we won’t have to go hunting anymore.”
That gave some sort of serenity to Nat, at least she could keep away from guns forever now. Not eating or drinking would make her desire to stop drinking easier, too.
-
After their initial conversation, Jackie had left her be. She stayed inside for days. She couldn’t go out into the camp of horror they’d built. She didn’t even dare wander through the woods, too afraid to come across the pit they’d created years ago. So, she spent day after day in the attic, looking out from the window, watching Jackie walk to and from the cabin, playing Solitaire, again and again. At the end of the day, Jackie always lit the fire downstairs and a lantern, which she took upstairs for Nat. Jackie had even given her a blanket because, according to her, “Floors are hard for spirits, too.”
Some days she didn’t see Jackie at all. Maybe she was starting to get tired of her, hell, even though she was tired of herself. Eventually, she went about and inspected the cabin. It was just as they had left it, but it was like they had found it either. Sure, there were the blankets, the table and chairs, the cauldron for some fucked up reason, the bath and the poorly equipped bedroom. The attic was dirty, but she realized the dirt didn't stick to her. And Ale-fucking-luya, one of the worst things when they came back was getting clean. The dirt had been a part of them for so long Nat was afraid it wouldn’t come off, but, after ten or twenty showers, it came off, all of it.
The ground around the cabin wasn't how she remembered it. Their shelters were gone and there was no sign of them. The bunny cage wasn’t there either. The yard looked clean, though. There was a piece of land moved, like someone had dug on it. Nat got closer to inspect it.
“There you are! Thought you'd start growing roots up there.” Jackie was behind her with a bunch of flowers.
“Yeah, well, my ass was getting sore.” Nat frowned.
“Told you. One would think after dying, some comforts come. Guess not.” Jackie laughed, which only caused Nat's jaw to tighten. “Wanna help?”
“What is it you're doing exactly?” Nat looked at her suspiciously.
“Just thought I'd make this place more pretty, you know, now that I'm not alone.” Jackie sat down and started to separate the flowers into groups. Nat sighed and sat down beside her. The flowers were pretty enough, some white, some red, some yellow. She remembered the purple ones, or heliotrope.
They sat in comfortable silence for a while. Jackie didn't want to pressure Nat, after all, they weren’t the best of friends before. Still, they could be civilized enough. This went on as they prepared to plant the flowers and decided on a pattern.
“You sure they’re gonna grow?” Nat asked after filling the third hole. She was elbows deep in the dirt, she had even taken her shirt out for this, leaving her in her red sports bra. Their clothes didn't really match, now that she thought about it. Jackie was still in her jeans and varsity jacket from the night she died, while Nat was in a more summery outfit, not the day she died, but the day Ben was condemned.
“Not really, but it's worth the pretty view, I guess.” Jackie answered with a shrug. “Honestly, I ran out of ideas a while ago. There's not much to do here, just the woods and a deck of cards.”
Nat became still at that. She started trembling, her body reacting without control. Jackie changed the subject after that and never brought the cards up again. Silence fell upon them.
“You know, some girls would’ve liked doing this when we were here, I know Akilah would’ve. Maybe Lottie too.” Nat said, a smile tugging at her lips.
“Yeah,” Jackie laughed at that. “How are they doing now? Haven’t seen them in a while.”
Nat stopped digging. What did she mean, she hadn’t seen them in a while? Suddenly she felt exposed. Jackie told her how sometimes she just appears in places like a haunting ghost, other times she can go wherever she wants. She tells her about her trips to Shauna's house, how she could hear conversations and screams when they were still stranded but couldn’t see what was happening.
They finished planting the plants in silence. After that, Nat returned to the cabin, to the attic and stayed there the rest of the day, curled up near the window. She watched Jackie go into the forest and come back, sometimes with more flowers, sometimes empty-handed. Like all nights, Jackie was setting the fire when Nat joined her downstairs, wrapped in her blanket. They sat by the chimney, watching the fire dance.
“I'm sorry,” Nat cut the silence, “for how we treated you and everything we did.” Jackie looked at her, she was wrapped in her blanket, too.
“It’s fine. I forgave you long ago.”
“Yeah, but—”
“Nat, I know what happened, I was there in the plane with you that day. It's fine.” Jackie said calmly. Nat looked at her with wide eyes and said nothing more.
“You know, you never answered my question earlier. How are the girls?”
Nat took a few seconds before answering. She explained they hadn't kept in contact for the most part, they'd agreed on it then, until recently. Overall, they were well, alive, unlike her. Part of her preferred it this way, however, she thought it'd be more peaceful, though. Less figuring what the fuck was happening all the time, more chilling with other sinners. True, Nat had never assumed she'd end up in Heaven. If she was honest, she didn't really believe in any religion, but she was raised under Catholic customs, so the images of Heaven and Hell were well-burnt in her mind. Guess she hadn't been as bad as she thought if she ended up here.
-
This was their routine now. Spend the day doing whatever they wanted, only to fall asleep together by the fire at night. Jackie had found some motivation in her now that Nat was here with her. Sure, they each stuck to their own for the most part, but Nat found herself drawing closer to Jackie. Young Nat would’ve pissed in her pants if somebody told her this was what God had in mind for her in the afterlife. An endless vacation with Jackie Taylor in the cabin of her nightmares for who knows how long.
By the third week, if Nat’s day count was correct, they officially started a flower collection in the yard outside. Nat had become confident enough to accompany Jackie into the woods. No matter how much she tried, she couldn’t get used to not feeling the wind or the heat of the sun on her skin. Still, she couldn’t play cards, even if she had tried for Jackie’s sake, she still trembled whenever she saw the Queen of Hearts.
This morning Nat decided she would rearrange the cabin's furniture, making it more suitable for them, while she waited for Jackie to come back from whatever fucked up dream Shauna must be having. Nat decided to take the bath outside, not like they needed it now, but it could make nice garden chairs if she managed to cut it. She moved the old bed from the bedroom to the living room, right next to the fireplace and against a wall, so they could sit comfortably. She moved the table to the opposite side with the chairs. That's when she noticed some extra blankets curled up in a ball, looking like a small nest. She had put the rest of the blankets on the mattress, so she decided to fold this as well, maybe Jackie had forgotten they were there.
“Wowza, what is happening here?” Jackie came down from the attic, scaring the shit out of Nat. She still needed time to remember people her could appear out of fucking nowhere.
“Just, figured we could move things around a little, you know? Spice things up” Nat said, resting her hands on her hips.
“Not bad, Scatorccio, not bad. You know, you would’ve made a fine 50s housewife, redecorating the love nest, attending the garden…” Jackie said, looking around the place.
“Oh, fuck you, Taylor.” both of them laughed, but Jackie cut short.
“Where is it?” her jaw was tight, her voice deep.
“What are you talking about?” Nat was completely lost here. As far as she knew, there weren’t any personal things here in the cabin.
“The crib. Where is it? It was right here by the table!” Now Jackie was screaming and moving her arms like crazy.
“What crib? I just put all the fucking blankets on the bed!” Nat screamed back.
“And you didn't think to ask me before doing anything?” Jackie was borderline in tears now.
“Well, I don't know if you remember, genius, but you were gone all fucking day. How was I supposed to ask you?”
“You know how it is. I always come back eventually!”
“Actually, no. I don't have a fucking clue how it works because I’ve never done it. No one has ever fucking called for me in all the time I was here!” Now Nat was crying too.
She took her shirt and went out into the woods, leaving Jackie behind. She walked and walked until she reached a clearing. She sat and took the bandana off. Did she really hope to get called from the other side? It was like her family cared about her, the living members at least. She didn't have any friends other than people she met recently at Lottie's camp. She didn't even know if that fucked up place was still running after their incident. The only ones left for her were her old friends, though she never considered most of them friends in the beginning. Everything had changed after the crash. Trauma fucking changes people and relationships, that’s why they became close, to survive, out of necessity, not pleasure.
When they got rescued, there was no one left for her. Her mother had gone off to another state, obviously thinking she'd never come back, and she couldn’t blame her for this, even Nat herself didn't think she'd end up fucking alive and kicking. So, her days in the hospital were pretty lonely, only some nurses stayed chatting with her, but they were occupied keeping an eye on the other survivors. Sometimes she went to other girls’ rooms. Tai's and Shauna's families were the first to show up. Jackie's too, her parents limiting themselves to being in and out of Shauna's room. Then it was Travis's and Misty's, hell even Van's mom showed up. That left her and Lottie confided to their loneliness. They weren’t really allowed to go into other rooms, worried they could faint or worsen their injuries. But seriously, they'd been stranded for two years in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere and they’d been fine.
One morning, a nurse knocked on her door with a note in her hand. For Nat. It was Lottie's handwriting; she would recognize it anywhere from the countless notes she had borrowed over the years.
Nat
My parents called today. They won’t be here until next week. They pulled some strings to move me to a better room to try and compensate. The room is huge for just me, so I was thinking, maybe you’d like to share the room? I understand if you want some privacy after living for two years with twenty other people, though.
My room number now is 507, it’s on the East wing. Let me know what you think.
Lottie.
True, Nat didn’t like being around people much, but now that she had got used to the company, she felt lonely. She grabbed her pillow, her jacket and the IV carrier and went out. It took her a while to find Lottie’s room, she tried avoiding the nurses’ glances in case they took her to her room again. She finally reached her new room after taking the wrong elevator, two fucking times, and knocked on the door. There was a moment before Lottie opened the door.
“So, where’s my bed?” Lottie smiled at her. She had missed that smile. The tall girl moved to let Nat into their room.
“I guessed you preferred the bed next to the window, but you can choose whatever.” Nat was starstruck, at the least. This room had large windows, enough room to fit four beds and a fucking TV. Now, this was something else.
“You did tell someone you were changing rooms, right?” Lottie closed the door and moved to her bed.
“Nah, they’ll find me here eventually.” Nat tried on her new bed, the mattress was softer than her last. There were some books on Lottie’s nightstand, some candy, and a deck of UNO cards.
The next days were far more entertaining than she’d thought they’d be. They spent the day playing UNO, the only card game they were comfortable enough to play. Lottie read most mornings waiting for Nat to wake up. They spent their afternoons watching TV, never the news channels, though, they’ve had enough reporters after them when they got out of the helicopter that brought them back. They shared whatever new treats Lottie’s parents sent her. They spent most nights awake, sharing a bed, looking at the ceiling and talking. About what? Nothing really, they avoided talking about the wilderness. They preferred talking about the times before the accident: school, their parents, their childhoods, how they ended up on the soccer team, they talked about everything those days. Lottie told her about her mental problems, Nat told her about the dad. This was the closest Nat had let anybody in.
This went on until the day Lottie’s parents came for her, the same day they were finally allowed to leave the hospital. Lottie had asked her parents to bring some extra clothes for Nat to take, black specifically. They said their goodbyes at the hospital doors and promised to take care of each other. Nat would be lying if she said the next days were some of the worst she had lived. She felt lonely, not something new to her, but she missed Lottie. How she would calm her after a bad dream or how she always listened attentively when Nat talked about her childhood, always willing to hug her if wanted. Nat knew she liked Lottie. Sure, it was weird when the girl you like starts a fucking cult and puts you in command, but her liking of Lottie had begun way before the accident. It all had started on Friday at soccer practice after school on their sophomore year. Coach Martinez had made them do drill exercises; they’ve become so in-sync with Lottie they even drank water in the same way now. This, plus the team-bonding sleepover Jackie made everyone attend later that weekend made her start to look Lottie in a different light. The rest was history. Now, every time Lottie sat next to her in class, her ears would buzz, and her hands sweated like crazy.
So yeah, Nat was missing Lottie, after all, she wasn’t sure she’d hear from her again. She couldn’t waste time on feelings, though. She got a job, in the fucking grocery store of all places, the same one she used to steal cigarettes from. Yeah, karma’s a bitch. The pay was enough to sustain herself in the same small trailer she lived in before. Although the bad memories couldn’t be erased, she tried her best not to live in the past. She covered the walls with movie posters and bought a stereo that she’d use non-stop. Lottie would send her postcards every month, always from different states, telling her little life updates, never too detailed but enough to let Nat know she was still alive. Nat had once told her she didn’t give a fuck about the promise they had made, she cared enough for Lottie to want to keep in contact with her, Lottie agreed. Nat would answer her with postcards too, never going into much detail about her life. She occasionally would add a mixtape of her latest music discoveries. But one day the postcards stopped. Nat kept sending them, maybe they’d got lost in the mail, but month after month, Lottie never responded. So, it became clear to her Lottie had moved on to something better, even someone better. That was when she first relapsed.
Years passed without a word of Lottie. Years passed being in and out of rehab, in and out of police stations. Then, her past came back to bite her in the ass, like it always did. Someone was coming after them and they decided to face it like they always did, together, like the team they once were. Seeing Lottie after so many years made every feeling resurface, the love, the hate, the pain, the abandonment. It had all been too fast. Sure, she had time to speak to Lottie once she had calmed down after being fucking kidnapped, but it wasn’t enough. She was finally ready to make up for the time lost, even if it was in that weird purple-hippies cult, but everything was taken from her, again. And now here she was, in the purgatory with Jackie fucking Taylor out of all people containing the tears and feelings trying to escape her chest.
She went back to the cabin eventually. Jackie was, like all nights, by the fire, tear-stained cheeks glistening in the fire. Nat sat beside her and sighed.
“Sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that. You didn’t know” was all Jackie said, looking at her.
“Thanks.” A weight lifted from Nat’s chest just by hearing Jackie’s now softer voice. “What is it with the stupid blankets, though?” Maybe Nat was touching a sensitive topic here but forgive her for being curious.
Jackie then told her about William, how he had come and left without warning. She told Nat about her weekly peeks at Shauna’s life for years and how they’d become less frequent now, and how the fear of her best friend forgetting about her once again haunted her.
“She hasn’t,” Nat reassured her. “She can’t forget you. She tried to, desperately, but I know it’s not that easy to forget about these things.”
“Yeah, tell me about it.” Jackie snorted. “You know I still love her, right? I thought maybe after realizing where my feelings fitted in all this, I would have some closure, but I didn’t. I’m at peace now, though. Maybe that’s why I chose to forgive her and help her however I can from here.”
Nat stayed silent for a bit. Back when they were young, she’d put two-and-two together and noticed the way Jackie was always around Shauna and how they looked at each other. Of course, she never brought up the subject, but she understood those feelings more than she’d wanted to.
“Believe me, Taylor, she still loves you. It’s just, I don’t know if she’s quite there yet to admit it to herself.” At this, Jackie smiled faintly.
Nat had learned recently the power of forgiveness and forgiving. She didn’t want to start on the wrong foot here. “I’m sorry I took it out on you. I don’t know what I expected, honestly. Stupid me believed someone would call for me, even if I’ve been alone most of my life.”
“That’s not true, Nat. I know you have people back there you still care about. Maybe you can visit them instead?” Jackie looked pointedly at her, and damn, now she understood why Coach had made her captain. Nat swallowed hard and looked down at the floor, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.
“Yeah, well, I don’t know she’d know it’s me or just another one of her crazy visions.” Nat shrugged.
“She’ll know. I’m sure some part of her is waiting for you.” And then, out of fucking nowhere, Jackie wiggled closer and hugged Nat. She stiffened at first because, well, what the fuck was happening. Then her body relaxed and, for the first time in days, the rumbling in her head quieted a little.
-
They were more at ease now, Nat noticed. She’d find Jackie making jokes for her, telling her the plans she had for the rest of the yard. They’d settled on planting more flowers and making a sort of fence around it, using rocks and branches. Nat spent some days trying to cut the bath with the saws she found in the shed but couldn’t, so they took it back inside, placing it next to the bed now and filling it with some blankets. Nat always knew Jackie loved talking, but now that she was the only one, she could talk to, she still had to get used to the amount of information Jackie could say by the minute. She wasn’t complaining, sometimes she found Jackie talking to herself, hell, she even found Jackie singing fucking Spice Girls every once in a while. Apparently, those were the only songs she remembered enough to sing, over and over again.
All these made the days in which Jackie wasn’t around all the more quieter. If she was honest, before ending up in Lottie’s hippie cult, she had missed having company with her. She got used to sharing in the wilderness, she got used to the sound of breathings other than her own, she got used to the sound of other laughs. Some nights, if she drank enough whiskey, she could swear she’d hear Van and Tai laughing in the corner, or Lottie’s prayers, or Mari’s complaints. She was glad she wasn’t alone now, or she would’ve ended up being more fucked in the head than she ever was. Spending so much time with Jackie had made her look past the popular girl image she put up in high school, and she could see why being captain of the team just came natural to her. She was attentive and always lifting their spirits up. Maybe that’s what Nat had lacked in the wilderness. After all, being a leader implied caring for others, and Nat had always been more of a lonely wolf, only fending for herself.
Jackie came back, eventually. This time, she was crying. Nat tried comforting her, but Jackie only said she needed some time alone and went into the woods. By the time she returned, Nat was waiting for her by the fire. Jackie settled into the bed, looking at the fire somberly. Nat wasn’t good at comforting people, at all, she wasn’t even good at comforting herself sometimes. So, she did the only thing that crossed her mind.
“Hey, you wanna play cards?” Nat took the deck from the table, looking at Jackie over her shoulder. She was met with a look of confusion. Jackie considered the offer.
“I’ll be fine, you don’t have to—”
“I want to. I think I’ll be fine now.” Nat really hoped she didn’t fuck up now or else they’d both fall into a neck-deep depression hole. She sat across Jackie and started mixing the cards.
They played for hours until the morning came. By the end, Jackie was laughing again, and Nat was still relaxed and well. They fell asleep in the middle of their 30th round of Speed, only to be awakened by a knock on the door.