Chapter Text
Remus' birthday only 6 years ago was filled with joy, but this year, he thought to himself as he went to get a cake from the bakery, it was anything but. As he checked out the cake, walking home numbly, he couldn't help but notice how different it was.
On his birthday 6 years ago, despite the day being cloudy and dreary, as well as freezing, it was a day full of love, as Sirius had laid down a chocolate cake, even though he'd forgotten the forks and plates, but running back from the dining hall was totally worth it to be with his friends.
But this year, despite the clear skies and bed of snow, he felt empty as he took a small slice of the cake, his tears falling down onto the cake. Ironic how a day could be so happy and yet so sad.
After James had died along with Lily, his life had turned upside down. Sirius was now in prison for their murder, James was dead, and Peter was gone somewhere. And Remus had been left in the middle, torn apart at the seams.
A part of him didn't even believe that James was dead. A part of him believed that tonight, James would happily call him, a smile on his face as he eagerly told Remus about his baby Harry and wished him happy birthday. A part of him believed that Sirius wasn't in prison, that he would be in bed tomorrow with Remus and talking his ear off as Remus brewed tea for his lover. A part of him believed that Peter would be with them tomorrow, calling them up and complaining about his pets and how they were being annoying again.
But Remus had always been a logical person, and he knew that wasn't going to happen. James was dead, Sirius was a murderer, and Peter was...Peter was who knows where.
Even though, as Remus let his fork fall to the floor, he stared at the ceiling, wondering.
How was Sirius the murderer? How were the same hands that had comforted him when he cried, baked him little cupcakes(even if they were burnt), and held him close every night have killed? How did those hands manage to hold both love and blood across their skin?
But it was true. It couldn't be any other way around. It was a betrayal, through and through, and Remus couldn't do a thing about it. The only 2 people he would've called would either be dead or missing.
He gave up on finishing the cake, shoving it haphazardly into a container(even though usually Sirius would be the one to messily put something away) and shoving it in the fridge, going into his bed and plopping down, staring at the ceiling. He should probably be working, doing something, anything.
But he couldn't get himself to move. It was like his bones were stone. Remus Lupin, always the logical one of the group, couldn't seem to figure this out.
So he laid in bed, twisting his brain in two as he tried to reason how this could've happened. He frankly didn't think he could talk to anyone about this.
So, Remus couldn't trust anyone. Since the last person he'd given his heart to turned out to be a murderer, apparently, could he ever love again, love so fiercely as he had with the man he would've trusted with his life? Would he ever love like that again? Could he? He didn't know. But this was crushing him, suffocating him with the weight of his best friends, as if James and Lily were above him, their pain crushing him down as he stared at the ceiling.
But with no one to hold him or smile at his quips, things would clearly be different. From now on, Remus Lupin would spend the full moons alone, just as he had the night before. He wouldn't wake up to soft kisses, or water boiling, or arms holding him so gently that he wouldn't ever suspect they'd turn out to be the arms of a murderer.
From now on, things would be different.
And from now on, Remus' birthdays, along with October 1st, would be the worst days of the year.