Chapter Text
Namgyu dropped his keys into the tiny bowl him and Thanos carefully crafted with clay, although it still looked more like an abomination than a bowl.
,,Thanos, I'm back.," he called out but was met with nothing other than silence. ,,Thanos?,” he shouted the name of [his love] best friend a bit louder.
Nothing, the apartment felt empty? The first sign was the fact that the lights were of, usually Thanos didn't bother shutting them off. Where was he? Did he do something wrong? Did Thanos finally get fed up with him? Anxiety swirled through Namgyu's body as he instinctively pulled up the sleeves of his sweater, hiding his knuckles beneath them, only his fingers pecking out.
He was hesitant, debating if the use of Thanos's legal name was necessary since Namgyu was well aware that he strongly disliked it, though he had no idea why. ,,S-Subong?" Still no answer.
He felt a chill creep up his neck...something was of. Quickly he pushed the light switch, the bright light caused him to squeeze his eyes shut, a groan leaving his lips. It didn't help that his body wasn't handling his contact lenses well, his eyes were already slightly bloodshot.
,,Fuck.," he cursed under his breath as he bolted through the hallway without bothering to take of his boots, it would be a hassle to clean the dirt that fell of in the process later.
,,Bro where are you?," he questioned again, not receiving an answer.
As he stumbled into the bathroom, he noticed a piece of paper on the sink, making him raise his eyebrows in confusion. Despite that he didn't pay it anymore mind, before carefully -but with impatience- removing his contact lenses and putting on his glasses.
His hesitance was evident, his body slightly tense. Slowly he grabbed the paper and opened it, revealing Thanos's handwriting.
Not only the fact that Thanos wrote him a handwritten letter was freaking him out, but what was really messing with his nerves where the tear strains on it. Thanos had cried, it was a fact. However, he almost never did and if he did, he hid it so well Namgyu rarely found out about.
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Namsu (gyu in my world it's su, lol),
you are most definitely in the bathroom right now, wondering why the hell I wrote you a handwritten letter while freaking out about it (I know, I know you so well) and I'm here to tell you to calm your tit's bro <3.
Namgyu my bro calm your nerves, you always serve!
You like? I know, I'm a living legend, Thanos!!
...Or a dead legend.....
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Namgyu who finally calmed down a bit felt his heart drop when he read that passage. Dead legend? What the hell was he talking about?! Thanos was alive and as well as he could be all things considert...right? He....probably just meant to write "dear legend" or something. Yeah...
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I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make you anxious again.
Fuck Namsu I lo-
Hey...please don't freak out, you'll be fine. I know you will...
God, fuck I'm really not good with this emotional shit, but I don't want you to remember me like some kind of pussy either.
No! I want you to remember me as the outgoing legend Thanos, not hesitating to be free. Please don't remember me solely for this...
My suicide.
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Namgyu sharply inhaled, stumbling backwards, his expression turning into one of horror. He barely managed to balance himself, thanks to the bathtub. The cold metal underneath his hands grounding him.
,,S-suicide?," he mumbled the word quietly, as if saying it would make it real, he read the sentence over and over again begging that he misread it because of his eyes still being blurry.
He didn't.... ,,Thanos no...please no..," he chocked out, a salty tear making its way down his cheek.
His hands were shacking as he forced himself to continue reading, hoping this was all just a cruel joke.
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I...you are probably reading this right now while hoping this is all just a cruel joke. It's not, I'm sorry Namsu.
Heh, I feel like I apologized to you more in this entire letter compared to the time I knew you.
Knew you...it feels so weird and...[sureal] surreal to say this.
I didn't tell you, I...there is nothing for me to live for. I know I had you, but I was only hurting you and being useless in [meinteining] maintaining a job, my music can barely be considert as enough, sorry for being a constant burden on you.
My drug addiction only fueled our problems, I wasn't even thinking about the consequences and trouble I dragged you into.
I'm so fucking sorry. Please forgive me Namsu.
It really isn't your fault. I just know it'll be better for both of us. I won't cause you anymore problems and I don't have to live with all of these memories anymore.
Fuck m'sorry, I'm so fucking selfish. I never told you about my addiction to self harm, I used to hide bloody razors all over our...your place.
I realize that only made things worse... Sometimes I wonder if things could've been different if I told, but it's useless thinking about it because even in death I can't be honest with you nor myself.
[And in the end I was still too much of a coward to tell you that I love you.
Namsu you saw through my facade, completely wrecking my brain.
My devotion to you and your motion makes me feel a rollercoaster of emotion.
I love you Namsu, more than anything. The way you hide your knuckles beneath your sleeves when you get anxious always made my heart race. How your glasses perfectly round your face. Your greezy hair that's somehow the softest I've ever touched. Your slightly chapped lips despite you using that cheap cherry lip balm, it always gave me the urge to kiss you softly. How you look in my favorite blue hoodie with chibi cats on it. The way you slightly tilt your head while overthinking, and then you sight in content when I pull you out of your thoughts. Or when you bite your lip in anger when a character does something stupid in the novels you are reading. How you unintentionally snuggled up to me when we were watching horror movies, and you got scarred. Afterward you always pretend like it didn't happen labeling me as delusional while nervously chuckling hoping I buy your excuse.
Your perfect in every way imaginable. So why couldn't I stay with you? It's unfair.
I love you.]
This is my final goodbye Namsu...please live your life and don't let yourself be held back by my mistakes. In my side of the closet you'll also find a USB drive it's for you to get more clarity if this wasn't enough.
Goodbye Namsu
From your love best friend
Thanos
PS: You'll find my corpse at Han River bridge.
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Namgyu felt his heart drop. He clenched the letter in his hand tightly.
Self-Harm?! Suicide?!
Why didn't he notice Thanos spiraling? They lived under the same roof, but despite that he never walked in on him self harming or found any bloody razors.
The blood in his body ran cold, as if a part of his vein current was hit by a sudden wave, drowning it. His body was trembling in fear of losing someone he needed to breathe.
He didn't even register himself running out of the bathroom, towards the apartment door, purely being held together by adrenaline. He slammed the apartment door shut without any consideration. The wide hallway mad his anxiety swirl further, creating the illusion of an endless suffocating space. He tried blocking out the noise that escaped the paper thin walls of the building that revealed the actions of his and Thanos's neighbors. The thought of his best friend almost made him trip while stumbling down the stairs -not wanting to waste anytime by taking the elevator-. Although maybe that would’ve been better, since he almost crashed into someone, which caused him to collapse against the cold wall.
His head snapped back in anger only to realize that he was facing a police officer, he froze in shock trying to comprehend the situation without expecting the worst, despite that he couldn't help but ask himself in fear, was he here because of Thanos?
,,Sir, are you alright?” A gentle voice cut through the silence, it worked like a switch immediately making Namgyu's whole body tense.
,,Y-Yes.” The words functioned as a reassurance, only for Namgyu to comprehend the gravity off them.
The officer didn't look convinced, so Namgyu got up -albeit unable to balance himself without the railing to support him-.
,,Of course.”
The silence this answer created was palpable. However, there was no one aiming to break it. The officer just nodded, before walking further up the stairs. Just as Namgyu was about to turn around, he spoke once more while turning towards him.
,,Sir would you happen to know a Namgyu? He is supp-” ,,Yes!” Namgyu couldn't let him finish that sentence, it would make his worst nightmare a reality, one that he wouldn't be able to escape.
,,Yes…yes that's… me.”
He didn't dare look up. Instead, he resorted to focusing on the dirt that was smeared on top of his chapped black boots. He could basically feel the look of pity form on the police officer's face, that's what he hated about the police. They never stopped to think about how pity would be perceived by the victims, he didn't want it, not from anyone. It disgusted him.
,,I see, judging by your reaction you are already aware of the situation. Your roommate, Subong was found dead underneath Han River bridge.”