Chapter Text
November 23rd
I haven’t written like I planned on it. I haven’t been writing about chemo or how miserable I have been feeling. It would have gotten old for me real quick.
Nausea
Vomiting
Exhausted and fatigue all the fucking time. I am so sick of it.
One more week and I am done with chemo. Then we will x-ray me and see where I am.
I am freaked out. Incredibly freaked out. I have been doing my best to not lose my mind.
My family has been great. If I could I would just lock myself in my room, and watch videos, but my family only lets me do that some of the time. I am glad my family has really helped me through it.
I am too tired to keep writing. I’ll write more later.
November 25th
Jack responded to me.
Hi Tessa:
Thank you so much for your letter. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have such great viewers like you that come all the way to conventions to meet me. Thank you so much.
I am sorry to hear that you have cancer. I can’t tell you how things are going to turn out for you, but I want you to know that I care about you, and whatever happens, even if you think that the things you have accomplished so far hasn’t mattered to anyone, they have. Whatever you have done, you have met someone or have done something for someone, and it mattered to them. We all do things that matter more to people than we can ever imagine.
If you want to accomplish more things. If you want to climb a mountain, write a book, or perform surgeries (please get a license first though), I believe in you. It’s cheesy, but it’s true. You are capable and talented. Even if you haven’t discovered it yet, you are talented.
Thank you so much Tessa. I hope meeting me was worth it. I am always sad that I can’t talk to you all for longer, but I am glad that you were able to make it in line.
Yours Truly:
Jackaboy J
I still feel like Hell. I still feel terrible, but he responded to me, and he believes in me. How do I describe how that feels in words?
Almost a year later
Octotober 10th
It’s been a year. A year since I started treatment. Since I started losing my hair. Since I started vomiting every morning. And feeling sick all of the time. I didn’t write about that like I was planning on it. Every time I started to, I realized that the whole diary would have been the same thing over and over. Then again, maybe I should have done it. It’s supposed to be therapeutic.
Cancer wrecked my body. I can’t put into words how terrible it was to me, and how there were days that I wanted to stay in my room and watch youtube videos all day and not think about anything else. Honestly, there were days that I did do that. They helped keep me sane. But other days, I forced myself up, and I would do my best to go for a walk if I was physically able. I was able to take off from work, and I even started to write a little like I have always tried to do. Honestly, it was crap, but I at least got something down.
It can always come back. It just can. That’s something that I will have to learn to live with.
The good news is that I have more time now to be with my family, and to do whatever I want to do with this planet. That is, if I can ever figure out what I want to do with my life.
Fortunately, I have started to not sit in my house and feel sorry for myself about my lack of direction. I am learning Spanish. I am going to take a test to get a job with the government. I still have no idea what I want to do. It’s still scary, but maybe if I try a bunch of things, something will stick.
In much more interesting news, I finally a video series of YouTube. It’s not gaming. I did something I felt like would be something I am more familiar with.
I have started a series for others with social anxiety. I talk about my own experiences. I talk about all of the times fear got the best of me. It’s not very popular, but the people that stick around and comment on my videos are very sweet. I don’t need millions of subscribers. If I am just helping one person, then I feel like it’s enough. I thought about writing to Jack again and letting him know about what I have been doing, but I have never felt the courage to do it.
I have mentioned him a few times in my videos. I even thanked him in my first videos for being so kind to me when I first met him. A few have joked that they ship me Jack. They have yet to come up with a clever ship name. It was a bit weird at first, but fortunately, it’s only a few people. I’m not even at one thousand subscribers yet.
In my six month anniversary video that I put up yesterday, I thanked him again, and told him that even though he probably doesn’t remember me, I will always remember meeting him for those two minutes. I didn’t tag him on Twitter or anything. I don’t want to mooch viewers off of him.
Jack told me that he believed in me, and even though he says that to all of us, I don’t doubt it for one second. I still have no idea what I am doing and I don’t know when I will die, but I am here for now, and that’s what’s important.
Every time I try to write him a letter to tell him I am cancer free, I freak out. I want to tell him so badly.
Fortunately for me, my mom has bought me tickets to VidCon for the summer time. I have never been to California. Mark, Bob, Wade, and Jack will all be there, and I couldn’t be more excited. I will be there with Cass. I am not going to stand in line again to see him, but I will see their panel.
I don’t know when I will write again, but hopefully it’s for something great.
June 17th
There are just moments that are too amazing to write about. I don’t know how to put it into words, but this is what I am going to have to try to do, because I don’t want to forget the emotions that I felt afterwards. So here I go.
Imagine you are in the crowd watching four people that you love watching joke and interact with the crowd. You are in the back, and no one can see you. As the show is ending, and you are ready to grab your sister’s hand and bolt before the crowd starts to leave, you are approached by security who tells you that you need to go with him right now. You are freaked out, because you don’t want to get arrested. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you don’t want your sister to see you handcuffed in a crowd, but nonetheless, as you protest, you follow him and squeeze your sister’s hand to comfort her.
Then he takes you out the doors and then he takes you through a door that leads backstage to where Jack and the gang are standing, and finally, they end their show, and they walk in from the stage and they are all laughing at smiling until their eyes meet you.
“Tessa and Cass right?”
You can imagine how that felt right?
I stared at him like a dear in headlights, but I managed to fight it off. This is Jackaboy. I feel like I already know him.
I wondered how he knew I would be there, but after gaining the courage, I went up to him, and gave him a hug. Fortunately, he gave me a good, firm hug back. After a moment, I pulled away. I almost apologized for the surprise hug, but one look from Jack, and I knew it wasn’t necessary.
“How’d you know I was here?”
“I got a letter from Cass. She told me you were going through chemo. She also told me that you were done with chemo and that surgery was successful. She also wrote to me that you were coming. I contacted her and set this up. “
I hugged Cass. “Thanks, sis.”
“Mark, Bob, Wade, and I actually wanted to know if you wanted to meet with us. We were going to walk around the convention .Are you interested?”
“Yes, we are so in.”
I am worried that I am going to wake up and that this is going to be a dream. That Cass and I didn’t hang out with four of our favorite youtubers. We played some o the demos and video games at the stations. I watched them interact with fans. It was fun to see the interactions. I hugged all of them at the end of the day and told them thanks.
“We’re happy you are doing so much better.” Mark said, he said in his deep, soothing voice.
“Thanks.”
Jack gave me another hug. “I am so glad that you are doing better, too. And I hope you are loving your videos and that you find your passion.”
“Thanks Jack.”
We all took a selfie. I saw Jack up it on twitter.
I still don’t know a lot of things. I don’t know if I will always be making videos. I don’t know what I love to do the most. I don’t know much. But I am getting there. Jack believes in me, and that does make me know that if I believe in myself, everything will be ok. God, that is so cheesy. But it’s true.
I’m healthy. I’m alive. Anything’s possible. Maybe I’ll even see Jack again someday. Who knows. None of this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t taken a chance and met JackSepticEye.