Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

John knew he meant it because he cried. Paul was always an angry, harsh, and striking fighter. But he never cried. Had no reason to. 

So when he started weeping, and said this was it, John's heart shred in two, and sank to the pit of his stomach as he became filled with terror. He knew Paul meant it. 

He began to panic in a way he's never panicked before. Even all those times Paul's threatened to leave and stormed off, and he would chase him down, or find him later, convincing him to return. He was overthinking, yes. But never this feeling of being absolutely trapped and helpless, with his brain stirring, “ what do I do? What do I do? ” Because he knew there was nothing. 

Even Paul looked helpless. 

He darted up to Paul. “Ya don't mean it, luv. C’mone Paulie. We have bumps sometimes, but we can make it work,” John said, begging and coaxing him. His hands were cupping his cheeks as he stared at Paul in urgency. Paul's eyes drilled helplessly into John's as tears flooded and dripped down, before Paul abandoned the reason in his head and dropped his face to cry harder. 

He wasn't saying anything; technically didn't say ‘no’; but he didn't have to. John knew what that meant. 

He begged and pleaded for one more chance. “I can be better fer you Paul. I promise, I can. What about the good times eh? Sweet an’ tender. I wouldn't give those up for anythin’. I love you, you know I love you! How can you leave me when I love you so much?” 

John never really understood what love really was. In his head, it was sticking together no matter what. But he didn't realize the way he negated it by mistreating Paul, yet expecting him to stay. For his own good. 

How could you call that love? 

“How could you call this love?” Paul asked, voice choking in a sob. John was crying now too. “You really wanna put me through this!? Again!?” 

“Paulie I know I haven't made this easy. Hell, I've been terrible to you, but believe me when I say, yer everythin' ta me. Ya always have been. Ya hafta believe me!” 

“I believe you,” he said, giving John leverage to breathe. “That's why I'm lettin’ you go.” John's heart sank again. This was really it. “We can't keep doin' this John. Neither of us deserves this…” John stayed quiet, letting him talk. “I tried to love you, John. I do love you… but I can't do this anymore,” Paul said meekly. “And if you don't accept that, then you'll make me hate you.” 

John crumbled in his arms and cried in defeat. Defeat and acceptance. Paul wrapped his arms around John to embrace him, whispering a gentle apology, but John snapped and shoved him off. 

“John,” Paul whimpered with disappointment and sorrow. Couldn't they share a proper goodbye?

John shook his head. “I…” he didn't know what he wanted to say. His instinct here was to argue. 

Paul slowly approached him, hands reaching out to cup his face. “Johnny,” he whispered before grabbing him and holding him. John let himself cry in his arms, but once again, his pain was manifesting into anger and he felt weak. 

“Don't, Paul! Just leave then! I f-fucking hate you!” John babbled, but Paul knew it was all a lie. 

Of course John tried to come back to speak with Paul and reason, but for the first time ever, Paul wouldn't have it. It killed him to do this to John, but he wouldn't let him see him. He knew it was a bad idea if he did. 

John pleaded with him over the phone, texting him and sending him voicemails when Paul dodged his calls. It broke Paul's heart, listening to those; hearing the ache and desperation in John's voice, begging to just talk or for Paul to answer, so he could remember what he sounded like; but still, all he did was let him down as gently as he could over text. 

John gave up after some time, but one day, out of the blue, he texted Paul again. He told him he missed him and wanted to see him just for a second, just so he can feel better, and promised he'd leave after that. Paul cried when he told him ‘no’, again trying to be gentle like before, despite knowing it didn't do much.  

It killed John. He was so broken up about it. Much more than Paul, he was certain. He wanted him so badly, needed him here, but no matter the plea, Paul refused him. Paul wouldn't come. It was driving him mad. He just wanted him close but Paul wouldn't appear. 

~~

At the rhythmically obnoxious banging at his dorm door, Paul shuffles over and swings it open with a look that reveals his annoyance. 

His stern look immediately melts at John's smirk, and he grins. 

“Good afternoon Paul,” John says charmingly. 

“Good afternoon John,” Paul says back, matching his energy, something between posh and downright flirty. Three months of time passed can do that to two previous lovers who are now mates. 

And yes, now officially mates. 

“Is your clump of twigs anywhere near?” John asks. Paul holds back a laugh in an attempt to play along. 

Paul grabs his chin and looks up in thought as if some sage philosopher. “Hm, let me think. Was he around?” Then turning away from John, and widening the door, he reveals George in all but his boxers clumsily putting his trousers on. “Ah! There he is!” 

“Can I put me bloody clothes on!” George snaps angrily at them, making them lose their character and break out in laughter. 

“By all means, good sir,” John calls out after laughing, sounding posh again and making Paul laugh harder as he looks back at John. John see's a sparkle in his eyes as he laughs, but he thinks that's just how he sees Paul. Sparkling, shining, angelic…. 

Anyways. 

When he's dressed, George hurriedly makes his way towards the door and past the two as he says, “aright let's go,” in a careless tone. Typical George. 

John and Paul lock eyes to farewell. 

“Paul. Always a pleasure,” John says, continuing their charade as he bows his head. 

Paul laughs. “See ya.” To both of them, he calls out, “have fun,” in a sing-song voice as John catches up to George. 

“Ready ta get yer head cleared?” John asks. 

“Aye. Don't hafta tell me twice,” George says, and they walk to the meditation class. Paul shuts his door as they walk off, still grinning from the leftover essence of John. It’s good to be mates again. 

Okay so the John and Paul thing. Let’s backtrack, shall we?

Basically, ever since John's conversation with Paul in his dorm; the day Paul got his cupboard; shit sorta hit the fan. Again. Not between them two or anything. Just… y’know, in John's head…

John fell into a temporary period of solitude to recover from it all, day’s filled with meditation. Paul felt terribly guilty for how things left off too. So much so, that he didn’t think he even deserved John as a mate. During John’s solitude period, Paul wondered if things would ever be normal between them, and accepted that John may never want to be around him anymore. 

But in fact, that’s not what happened. Not even close.

Looking back, John feels rather foolish for holding all his fate in Paul's hands like that. He didn't mean to; didn't even realize he was doing it; but, well, he was. And now he feels like he's actually recovered from it all and doing better than ever, which leaves room for a friendship between himself and Paul. A real one. In fact, he feels like he’s got the eye of the horizon. His life right in front of his eyes, and he could do anything with it. 

He's been meditating a lot. He's almost neglected working out for it, how many hours he would sit in silence for. You could say he got a bit carried away with that too (what can he say, he's an extremist) but it helped him nevertheless. Now he feels stronger and calmer than he ever had before. And all the stuff going down with Paul… eh, doesn't seem so bad anymore. Truly. I mean, c'mon, there's worse things in life… seriously. 

So yeah, all is well with the two. 

Only…

Okay, here's the tiny little thing… 

How does he say it? Oh. Yeah. Paul's a massive flirt. 

So yeah John's totally and completely detached no matter how it seems or what anyone says, but Paul's well, he's, y’know… Paul's really hot. So… something he kinda needs to deal with. Emotionally.

It's nothing though. Truly, nothing. He's fine. 

…….

Anyways. 

It’s good to be mates again, just like before. Even better, in fact. Y’know, now that John's not a dick anymore and all. So yes, he'd say things are going well.

Oh also, Christmas happened, which means winter break came and went. Paul went home and finally got to see Denny. It was nice; felt long over do and he was grateful to reconnect. Though he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss John. 

John spent the holiday with Samira's family. John came back and looked better than ever, and for that, Paul was relieved. Paul gave him space at first, but needless to say, he missed John. Something about the way John was okay with it all made Paul feel easier about it. Not only that, but Paul felt like they could actually be mates now.  

Things started slow for them. But as time went on, it only brought them closer together. One day they were all off and somehow, the two ended up alone. It worked out in their favor and Paul thinks that was the start of it-- of them being close again.

Their eyes met, and Paul, desperation trickling down his tongue, asked “why did we stop being mates?” It was a rhetorical question, obviously. Not meant to ponder what was already known, but rather an initiation of a truce. Water under the bridge and nothing but forward movement from here on out. John beamed at him like he was looking into the heavens. “We were always good at that,” Paul added. And so it was. 

John drew his arm over Paul’s shoulder and pulled him into the closest thing he could get to a hug with one arm, smiling. “Yeah okay. Ya sold me” he said, as if any selling needed to be done, and he wasn’t waiting for this moment.

Ever since, they’re hardly separable. They can’t help it. They just make great mates. They sit together, make inside jokes, argue like a married couple, even poke around with their fingers-- nothing too risky , but still. John’s out of his shell, now that they all get on; the whole group. And something better put a stop to them, or else they’ll end up all in, or crushed and crumbling to the ground, and nothing in between. 

But they don’t worry about it now. On the contrary, they can’t be jollier and more carefree, sitting hip to hip and giggling amongst the rest of the group who’s not included in their inside joke. 

Stu introduced his girlfriend Astrid to George, Ivan, and Paul. John and Ringo have met her before, briefly. Aside from being the only bird amongst a group of blokes, she’s getting on fine. 

“Are you guys together?” She suddenly asks the two ex-lovers, making them freeze. 

The whole table quietens at that alongside the two in an awkward silence as the attention on them heightens, awaiting an answer, ignoring the obvious. George even wiggles a judgmental eyebrow at Paul. 

John feels frozen and exposed. Shit… is that what we look like? That's awkward… I mean, I wish….

Finally, he opens his mouth. “He wishes,” he says, making Paul turn to him with an attempt of sterness that exposes a humored grin instead like it's the last thing on the planet he expects to hear, as he smacks him, and quickly, they both break out into laughter together. 

Finally, now that he's broken the tension (successfully) and with the grin remaining, and rather casually, he answers “no no we're not.” 

“Aye I've got a boyfriend back home,” Paul explains, feeling farther away  from that fact everytime he says it. 

“Best mates then, I take it.”

Everyone's eyes shoot at John. Like literally, everyone's… Ivan, who's just curious, George, who John's not even sure why, Ringo, obviously, Stuart, obviously, and yes… Paul… 

And Paul’s look just so happens to be his favorite. 

“Er…” John starts, making his mates wiggle his eyebrows at him, increasing the pressure. 

At George's demanding glance, John addresses with a wave of his hand towards him. “What're you lookin’ at me fer?” 

“Is John yer best mate?” Ringo asks George with disbelief and humor in his tone. 

“No, Paul is,” George says. “But John's probably second closest,” George says, flattering John and getting an offended “hey!” From Ivan. 

John turns to George. “I'm yer second best mate?” He asks with glee and hope, mouth agape, sounding like a child. 

George shrugs, nodding, and John, in new appreciation, offers a fist pound, making George and the rest of the group laugh. John really does always have that effect on people. 

But it doesn't take long from the distraction for Paul to readdress him. 

“Answer the question, Lennon…” Paul says, and when John locks eyes with him again, Paul has that same charming grin, only this time, he humorously bats his eyes at him too. 

“Paul,” John finally answers, still glued towards Paul “Obviously,” he adds, then turns so he's facing the center of the group. “Of course it's Paul. Who else would it be?” John announces, making everyone whine. Except Paul, of course, who’s got a satisfied grin. Ringo and Stuart share particular disappointment with him.

After the lunch period, the group goes their separate ways, John and Paul sharing a particular farewell, as per usual lately. 

“Oh, by the way,” Paul says to John before leaving. “We’re goin’ out Friday. Yer coming.”

John smiles, unsure of when it got to this. But he’s plenty delighted.

Paul walks off with George who observes everything. 

“Oi,” Paul calls out to Ivan when he and John have parted. Ivan approaches them. “Er… ‘bout Friday, I think we should do it.”

“Aye?” Ivan confirms.

Paul nods. “Why not? Let’s make it happen.” 

With a final nod of confirmation, Ivan heads off. George is watching Paul, which Paul notices but pretends not to. 

“Why are ya not together again?” George suddenly asks. 

“Ivan’s not me type,” Paul says, alluding to the obvious. 

“Cute. But I know ya know who I meant.”

Paul rolls his eyes. “Knock it off.”

“Why?”

“Ya know why.”

“Right, right. Denny.”

“Ya. Me boyfriend . Remember?”

“My mistake.”

Paul frowns. “Why d’ya keep bringin’ that up anyroad?”

 George shrugs, feigning carelessness. “No reason,” he lies, which he knows he can get away with because Paul won’t talk about the matter any further on his own accord. 

And he doesn’t. Why should he? John’s his mate. His best mate, as they learned today. So what’s the big deal? And yeah, he knows they have a past, but so long as he doesn’t act on anything, it doesn’t matter. 

Paul feels so comfortable around John. More than he’d like to admit. 

Actually… Paul doesn't know how to be just mates with John. I mean, on one hand it's super easy and natural. But on the other hand, his relationship with John was always flirty, romantic, and sexual. It was ever since the day they met, together or not. Fighting or not. Hell, broken up or not. Paul doesn't really know how to be mates with John while also… not… doing that other stuff….. it's just what happens! He can't help it! Their sexual chemistry is just… there. 

And sometimes, Paul’s down bad for John… 

“Teach me how to wrestle!” Paul suddenly blurts, looking up from his laptop. 

John blinks at him. “Er…” when Paul only looks at him, not shying down, John says, “ask yer boyfriend,” with a satisfied grin, making Paul feel momentarily foolish. 

He doubles down still. “Me boyfriend is like twenty thousand miles away.”

“Er… I don’t think that’s…”

“Whatever! Plus, Denny’s not as strong as you, so it wouldn’t be proper training then would it?”

“Flattered,” John say’s, and Paul wonders where all this is coming from, realizing he’s digging himself into some hole. “But y’know, most people train with someone who matches their strength.”

“Well I'm stronger than Denny.”

“I've seen Denny. You guys are pretty much the same size.”

“C’mon I need a challenge!”

John blinks again. So… should he go tuck his dick away real quick, or just go for it?

“Paul… be realistic here. I'm way stronger than you. Ya don't stand a chance.”

“That's why yer gonna train me!” Paul says, as if he’s stating the obvious.

John grins again, “Not how it works.”

“You can go easy on me,” Paul suggests, and John’s running out of ideas to refuse. 

“ Definitely not how it works.”

“ John ,” Paul whines, stretching out the name.

“ Paul ,” John mimics, though half-heartedly and barely paying attention anymore. 

“Maybe yer not actually strong an’ just don’t want me ta find out,” Paul says, trying to get a reaction from him.

“That’s it,” John plays along. “S’all a gimmick. Can’t give meself away then, can I?”

Paul shoves him, frustrated and on the verge of giving up. John only smiles triumphantly, on the verge of laughing. Paul shoves him again. 

“Macca…”

“Yeah?” Paul says, shoving him once more. 

“Yer gonna regret this.”

“Regret what?” Paul asks, playing dumb, somehow making John’s gut twist in arousal. Yeah they really shouldn't be alone in a room together. 

But they are. And he is….

Y’know…. Johns really a laid back kinda bloke. He's not really the type to stress or interfere with how things play out, so, y’know… he's just gonna leave this be… y’know. Like he always does…

… 

And after a final shove, John leaps from his bed and takes him down. And he knows he shouldn't; letting it go would've been best; but he folded, and acting on impulse, grabs Paul at the waist with ease, and pins him to the ground. 

Paul yelps in surprise as John holds him down on the floor and starts wrestling him. 

Paul starts laughing and goes along with it. And now they're wrestling, meshed together on the floor, tangled up and both working with force to fight the other. And yes, John is going easy on him, because he is, in fact, much stronger than Paul, and, respectfully, he'd take Paul down in a heartbeat if he wanted to. 

And he really really shouldn't have done this… 

Maybe this is a bad idea, and maybe it might be seen as unfaithful. Or maybe Paul's so desperate to feel John on him that he can't even help it, and this is just what he's needed to get out of his system before he'd break his loyalty to his boyfriend. 

But whatever it is, Paul relishes in it as he struggles to free himself from John's way-stronger-than-he-thought hold. 

“John!” He whines in defeat, not being able to do as much as he expected. 

“What? Ya wanted ta train didn't ya?” John teases. “Ya didn't think I'd make it easy fer ya, did ya?” Lies. All lies. John's still going easy on him. If he tried, Paul'd be stuck tight against his stiff muscles. Paul doesn't know it, but John's still giving him leverage. 

“F-fuck!” Paul yells in frustration at being stuck, giving John a flashback of their time in bed. This is so closely resembling their sex. I mean, they might as well be naked. 

John laughs at him. “What's wrong? Harder than ya thought?” He teases again, practically just holding him down, not without so much as half the effort Paul's using to free himself. (And failing, btw). 

Paul's so annoyed by his failure. The only thing he hates more than John's smug teasing is actually how hot he finds it! Fuck! 

In his head, he's already stopped resisting, grabbed John by the neck and pulled him in. And he doesn't care how strong the man is, he's not letting him get away from him. He's holding him there and grinding their hips together. 

But that's only in his head, of course. 

John’d probably stop him doing that too. Stupid thick fucking sexy fucker!  

Although he doesn't know who he's kidding. He's fully hard, already. Well, John is too. No surprise. 

Okay he sort of gets why John didn't wanna do this. 

“Aright, aright. Get offa me!” Paul gives in reluctantly. Because if he doesn't stop him now, he won't at all, no matter what that would entail… 

John's on top of him and holds him down firmly for one more moment. “Had enough?” 

“Christ, yes! Yer stronger than me, I got it. Get offa me!” Paul repeats, wiggling his body to free himself. 

“Yer not gonna ask me ta do that again, right?"

Paul grunts in frustration.”No!”

“Ever,” he says, and he means it. 

Paul swallows. He really didn't have to say that, because, truly, who is that helping? But he doesn't resist anymore. For the first time he thinks in the world, John's got Paul to release his stubbornness and all he does is nod his head in the most genuine and submissive manner he can. 

“Good,” John says-- also really unnecessary. Paul's already rock hard and John knows he has a dom kink-- and releases him, getting up, face flushed and breathing heavily as he adjusts himself, including his dick that's poking out of his trousers. Paul hates to admit how immediately he misses John's touch. All he can think of right now is his absence. 

John sits on the edge of his bed and Paul quickly follows to not be left lying on the floor already feeling awkward and like he’s overstepped. Okay… he really gets why John didn’t wanna do this. 

Paul sits besides him and it's awkwardly quiet for a moment.

“That'll be fifty pounds,” John says. 

Paul blinks at him. “Wha--?” 

“You know I'm a personal trainer. Ya didn't think ya get free sessions did ya?” John adds, breaking the tension like he's the walking holy grail, and Paul can't be more grateful. 

He laughs.

“What?” John asks, playing dumb, but starting to laugh with him. 

Yeah… Paul really can't be more grateful. 

~

Paul holds up George’s black hoodie for him. “Take or leave?”

George squints in thought. Then says, “take,” and Paul tosses it to him from where they’re sitting a few feet apart, and George chucks it in his small suitcase. He’s packing for his home visit for spring break, which started today after everyone finished their finals of the term. 

Paul agreed to help Goerge pack tonight, after which he’ll be headed straight for the train for an overnight trip and arrive home first thing in the morning. 

“Yer still comin’ in a few days, right?” George asks, repeating Paul’s own break plans. 

“Aye!”

“Denny still doesn’t know?” George repeats again. Paul shakes his head ‘no’ with a scheming and excited smile on his face. “He’s gonna be so thrilled!” George says as he stuffs random clothing in his bag. 

The decision to go back home was a last minute one. Paul was debating it for a while, considering staying put all together and using the time to destress, and maybe even get prepared for the last term of the year. But once the worst was over and he got a chance to breathe after exams, he figured why not go home and catch up with everyone anyroad. Easter is in a few days. He decided he’ll make it for that. He’s still debating on a discount flight, or a train ride like Geo.

Last he spoke to Denny, he declared, indirectly, that he was slowly going mad and staying put. All the better to surprise his boyfriend with a home visit, which is well overdue.

“I know! I can’t wait,” Paul says. 

After some time, George says his goodbyes and heads to the train station with his luggage, a bag of snacks, and a travel pillow. 

“Have fun!” Paul tells him. “Tell mum I said ‘hi’.”

“Will do,” George says before he’s off.

Paul grins in jubilation and anticipation. Suddenly, on his own and with high energy through him with nowhere to go, he feels antsy. He quickly whips out his phone and looks up flight prices for the umpteenth time today. 

Damn. Still high…

Although he doesn’t know where his hope keeps coming from. Even with his student discount, the odds during a holiday are against him. He reckons he’ll end up on the train too when he finally decides to go. He’d go now, but wants to hang around here a bit too. Decompress and all.

Just as antsy, he takes off and heads to John’s dorm. He knocks somewhat manically on it before it opens and reveals John. 

“Yes Paul,” John says, though he’s only teasing. He knows George leaves today and reckons he must’ve just gone off if Paul’s presence is anything to go by. He isn’t surprised to see him bored so soon after all the chaos. Paul’s the kind of person who likes being busy. No matter how stressful or difficult it is. He can’t sit still, always up and at something. Unlike John.

Paul lets himself in and flops comfortably onto John’s bed. He sighs. “I’m bored,” he says.

John smiles. “I got that.”

Paul smiles too. “Yer not busy are ya?”

They walk around campus with the slowly growing temperature outside. 

“What’re ya gonna do all break?” Paul asks while they walk. They’re on their way to that healthy cafe John loves that Paul’s gotten quite fond of too, how much he accompanies the man there. 

“Screw me head back on,” John jokes, eliciting a chuckle. “Great opportunity ta get back in without bein’ busy. Meditation’, workin’ out, sleepin’!”

“Not gonna head back at all?”

“Nope,” John says with certainty, making Paul laugh at that. Paul doesn’t blame him. “What about you then?”

“Er… I might. Haven’t completely decided yet,” Paul says. 

“Well christ knows yer no use without a plan set in stone,” John says, knowing the man well.

Paul laughs as they walk alongside. “Yeah, yeah.” 

After they eat, John tells him he’s planning a trip to the gym, and invites him, which Paul has occasionally taken him up on lately. 

“As long as ya help me like last time,” Paul says, which John is happy to do, and agrees. 

“What’re ya workin’ on today?” Paul asks when they arrive.

“Today’s back day,” John says. “But we can do whatever ya want.”

“S’fine. I’ll follow what yer doin’.”

Paul mean’s it when he says he comes here with John to learn how to lift and get fit. He really does mean that. But he can’t help the natural aroma of arousal that hits him, by conditioning now, whenever he’s here. It used to be retained until the scene of John working was before him. Now the very atmosphere that hits him the second he sets foot in the gym affects him and a part of his brain forgets John’s not his boyfriend. 

John’s in a loose tank, doing what he calls a ‘reverse fly’ or… a ‘seated fly’; something like that; with each shift flexing his back muscles taut… Like taut taut. Like what the hell. Like he’s stronger than Paul even expected. Of course, he discovered that the first time he accompanied him at the gym. Now he just ogles him… 

Y’know, for fitness… reasons.

…

“Think ya got it this time?” John asks, breaking Paul’s trans.

Paul blinks at him. “Er…” Shit! He was explaining something wasn’t he? “Sure,” Paul nods and they switch places. 

“This is one of the harder one’s, technique wise, especially when yer new to it. People usually end up usin’ their delts instead of their rhomboid, which is fine if that’s what yer targeting, but yer gonna wanna focus on usin’ the upper center of yer back,” John say’s, making Paul blink at him.

“Er… okay,” Paul answers dumbfoundedly.

John snickers. “I’ll walk ya through it. Just grab the handles. Aye, now open yer arms…”

Paul tries to do so, but the machine is stuck in place and won’t budge. 

Paul frowns. “Am I doin’ somethin’ wrong?”

John frowns too as he examines it. “Er… oh,” he says in realization and adjusts the weight of the machine, and Paul doesn’t know weights, but he knows that John’s just made that considerably lighter than he had it himself. “There. Start with that, and we’ll add it on if it’s too easy.”

Paul curses himself at John’s strength, feeling defeated in front of him. 

“Remember, these take time,” John adds. “They're not simple like the others.”

Paul nods, grateful for the reassurance from someone as expert as John, compared to his cluelessness, and tries again. This time he’s able to swing them open.

“Aye! Slower though,” John critiques, and places his arms at the top of the machine so Paul can follow his example, respectfully staying out of Paul’s touch from where his hands are placed. “Aye, make sure yer controlled when yer movin’ ‘em. Nice an’ slow. There ya go!” John says as he helps move the machine with Paul, then let's go and leaves Paul to it.

When Paul does his set, he stops and looks at John, wondering how he did. John was right to say that these were tougher to master than some of the other stuff John’s had him do.

“Good!” John says reassuringly, making Paul smile proudly, and they switch places again.

At Paul’s next go, John increases his weight, and Paul opens his arms with much more resistance and difficulty. 

“Ya got it,” John encourages as he lets him work, and Paul doesn’t know why; holy fuck he does not know why; but John talking to him like that makes his dick react. Maybe it's his encouragement. Maybe it's his confidence. But whatever it is, it has Paul focusing on John rather than his workout. 

“Okay so yer startin’ ta switch ta yer delts,” John suddenly says, causing Paul to halt. “It’s normal as the weight goes up, because the delts are easier ta engage. Try focusin’ on usin’ yer rhomboid,” John adds. Paul tries it again, but feels no difference. 

He looks at John, a little helplessly. “How do I do tha’?” He asks. 

“Okay, hold yer posture,” John says, mimicking his words, and Paul follows, holding his back straight. “Take a deep breath. And as ya open yer arms, push down with yer shoulder blades. Aye, keep ‘em down. And keep yer chest open. Aye, you should feel it right here,” John says, drawing a line with his fingers up and down the upper center of Paul’s spine, that, despite the goosebumps, Paul feels like he’s finally got ‘engaged’ pretty well. 

Feeling the difference, Paul says, “I think I got it now.”

John examines as he goes again. “Aye, there ya go! Nice!” 

And Paul feels a rush of pride from impressing a man as fit and experienced as John. From impressing John himself, that is. 

They finish their workout, then hit the showers and walk back. 

“Not bad, Macca,” John teases, and Paul’s belly flutters not for the first time at him. Paul shoves him, although his smile is rather wide.

“‘M gonna be so sore tomorrow,” Paul whines expectedly. “I always am after our workouts!”

“Aye, that’s a good thing! That means yer muscles are growin’,” John enthuses. 

“That’s good I s’pose. I do feel meself gettin’ stronger.”

“Aye, you’ve definitely gotten stronger,” John says with certainty, and Paul fights the urge to ask how he knows. 

“You ever get sore?” Paul asks.

John shakes his head. “Not much. Not anymore. That’ll start ta go away once ya get used ta it.” 

Paul nods. “Cheers,” he suddenly says with a smile. 

“What for?”

Paul shrugs. “Wouldn’t o’ done it without you.”

John smiles at him. 

On their way back, Paul struggles to part ways and leads them to his dorm. 

“Forgot that sod’s not here,” John says. 

“What’s wrong? Is it peacefully quiet fer you?” Paul jokes, making them laugh. 

“Delightfully so,” John says, followed by a yawn. 

“Er sorry… I kept ya out all evenin’, haven’t I?” Paul says self consciously. It doesn’t feel too late for Paul, but he knows John doesn’t stay up late like he does. He reckons John’s evening plans have all been postponed because of him. 

Still, John shakes his head, “No. Not at all. It’s been great,” John says, and Paul knows he means it, but he can easily see how tired he is still. 

“Tired?” 

John shrugs. “Maybe a bit. Should probably be off soon.” 

“John?” John looks up at his name call. “Stay the night, won’t you?”

“What here?” John asks, visibly shocked. Paul only nods at him. Paul feels almost shy for asking, but dares to still. He does feel awfully lonely here on his own. And it’s hard trusting John. He thought it was hard distrusting John. At least then he trusted himself. Now it's the other way around. And sometimes… It's fecking hard saying goodbye to the lad. 

Something about John’s company makes him feel warm and comforted. 

“Er…” John starts. Paul understands the cause of his hesitancy. 

“It’s only cos Geo’s not here an’ I could really use the company. Sides, you’d get yer own bed…” Paul tries. Somehow, John picks up on the genuinity in him and doesn’t feel like he’s being lured into some kind of sneaky trap. 

He nods. “Aright then… Sure, why not,” he says with a grin, for which Paul’s grateful for. “As long as ya tell Geo in front o’ me,” John adds, making Paul snort. 

They crawl into their beds, Paul in his own, and John in George’s, and talk. And talk. And talk some more. Eventually, John lures out of his fight to fall asleep, and some time after, Paul falls too. And not for the first time, Paul’s impressed with John’s self control. Not that he thought anything other than this would happen. But it’s like with John, it's not even a question. Not even in the back of his mind. Not even a possibility that exists in reality. 

For Paul, it may exist in his head. Sometimes. Sometimes he keeps it at bay. But sometimes… sometimes he’s down bad for John…

When Paul awakes, he rustles in his bed and stretches his body into alertness. His eyes peel open to the not unpredictable view of John sitting up on the bed, legs crossed, hands on his lap, and eyes closed. Meditating, that is. 

Paul wouldn't be surprised to discover the lad's been up for a while after already washing himself. He checks the time on his phone to a show a quarter to 9am. John, no doubt, has been up and meditating for hours. 

Paul's caught John meditating before. In his dorm, in fact, with George. He learned then that he doesn't need to worry about disrupting or distracting a meditating John. In fact, he was so cautious and careful, trying not to make a peep, only for John to ‘awake’, frown at him and ask “when did you get here?” 

Paul stretches before getting out of bed. He examines John just in case as he gathers his things to wash up, but like last time, John looks like he's not even here. 

Paul leaves un-bashfully and heads to the public loo's. The mirror above a sink he passes shows his unkempt hair that he addresses in the shower he's in. Like always, that's his first stop in the morning. He's rather cleanly like that. And he's not in a particular rush either. This is probably his most peaceful time of day… sometimes his only peaceful time of day. Though he hopes John's still around when he returns. 

He finds his prayers answered when he reenters his dorm to find John sitting on the bed, this time against the wall with his feet hanging off the edge and Paul's guitar in hand. 

Paul smiles at him. “Haven't lost yer touch?” He asks, although his question is answered as he catches tiny technical errors on the guitar strings. Paul's the one who's kept most in touch with music. John has a look of focus and slight disappointment on his face as he recognizes his lost skill. Although it's not bad at all. Still better than most. Just bad in John's eyes. 

“Course not,” John declares as he struggles with his muscle memory. However, Paul can hear him quickly pick it back up. 

“Don't worry, you'll get it,” Paul teases, making John roll his eyes at him. 

“S’just been a while,” John defends. 

Paul sits on his own bed and lets John play. He picks up on a few things but doesn't try hard, and eventually puts the instrument down all together. 

“How'r yer muscles?” John asks.

“Just startin’ ta feel it.” 

John grins mischievously. “It'll get worse.” At Paul's eye roll, he adds, “worth it though.” 

“How long before I stop gettin’ sore?” 

“Not long. Honestly, once yer consistent that'll stop happenin’,” John tells him. If he wasn't so used to it, he'd be shocked that these are words coming out of John's mouth. 

“I try but… well… it's hard!” Paul admits, somewhat shyly. John smiles at him. 

“It'll get easier.” 

“Aye, yer one ta talk! Look at you! How do ya even do all that?” Paul asks genuinely. 

John smiles, clearly flattered. “I started somewhere too, remember?” 

Paul shakes his head. “You were always strong. Not like this, but you were. I remember that.” 

John shrugs. “Still. You'll get there. We can train regularly together, if ya like,” John offers. 

Paul bites his lip. He feels unworthy of such a commitment. But he feels a desperate tug of competitiveness with John, always has, and, against all odds, finds John's company to be the most compelling part of this offer. 

“Would you?” Paul asks. 

John smiles brighter at him, like nothing makes him happier than offering his service. “Course.” 

Paul's gratitude shows. “Will you judge me if I can't keep with ya?” Paul asks self consciously.

“Oh yeah. I definitely will,” John says with a teasing grin. Paul rolls his eyes but can't help a smile and maybe even a blush. Okay, that was a dumb question. Paul chucks his pillow at him. 

“If ya had ta give up meditatin’ or workin’ out--” Paul starts, but doesn't get to finish his question.

“No,” John cuts, shaking his head. “No.” 

“If ya had to!” 

“No…” John says again. 

Paul laughs. “Or else you die,” he adds around his laugh. 

“I'd probably just die,” John says, making him laugh harder. 

“Which one’s more important to ya?” Paul asks when he's calmer. Sometimes he's desperate to pick John's brain. 

“Meditatin' fer me mind an’ workin' out fer me body. They're both equally important.” 

“Fine. You'd go mad tryin’ ta decide anyroad.” 

Paul didn't mean to spend the whole of the morning talking with John again, just like last night. He's thrown the man right off his schedule. Both their schedules, in fact. John must be as hungry as he is. Though he hopes, like himself, that John doesn't mind it. 

When Paul brings it up, John wholeheartedly agrees, but still, Paul's not ready to part ways and means for them to go together. 

“Hey!” Paul says in sudden thought. “Why don't we go inta town?” He suggests eagerly. They've seldom ever left the university campus and now they actually have a chance to without worrying about the distance and getting back to class, or studying. 

“Town aye?” John reiterates, already showing his approval. 

“Aye! It'll be fab. We can go somewhere we never been, see the town. How much of Elgin have ya really seen?” 

“Hardly any.” 

“And don't ya always say ya love it here an’ wanna stay?” 

“Aye,” John says, getting up. “We'd better go now,” he adds. Paul smiles brightly and joins him. 

It's a bit of a commute on the bus, but they head into the heart of the town, a local downtown area, which despite being slightly unappealing (Elgin is more known for its scenic and nature spots), excited the men to explore it still. 

Their first stop is to a Turkish cafe that they ran into and the food was amazing! John says it's similar to the food of some friends he knows here, though Paul doesn't know who he's referring to. After that they walk around the streets, enter different gift shops. They spotted horses! Which Paul was particularly excited about. 

When they feel enough of the city, if you could call it that, they hop back on the bus and John leads them to the outskirts until they reach the spots Elgin’s really known for. They stumble upon the most beautiful valley right at the edge of the state itself, along the coastal prairie, a field of green ending with the bottomless ocean. That and these prairies, as tourist spots, happen to be filled with ruins and small parts of what must've been ancient buildings. Paul's never seen anything like it before. 

“Holy shit,” John says beside him, looking out and catching the horizon with a sun that's on its way to setting, but not quite there yet. 

Paul turns his head and watches John stare out into the distance in astonishment. 

“This is incredible,” John says in a tone that matches his expression, and Paul suddenly feels terribly fond for experiencing this together. 

Paul takes a step closer to him. 

“Did ya know this was out here?” 

“No,” John says, but he's still completely mesmerized by the view. 

“How can ya not? Haven't ya lived here for like… four years?” Paul asks, humorously. 

“I don't… go out much,” John says, only half here. He regains awareness suddenly and turns to Paul. “D'ya mind if I meditate a while?” 

“Ya really wanna close yer eyes at this?” Paul asks. 

John looks back out and this time, shakes his head ‘no’. “No. Yet right. That'd be wrong.” Instead he sits down and Paul joins him. 

He feels particularly intimate with John now. So much so that he wouldn't even consider it wrong to indulge it. He's not the one in question though. 

They sit side by side, barely an inch apart and watch quietly as the sun begins to sink. 

He finds himself frequently staring at John. He can argue that he just likes the view, but really it's more than that. As if he wants his gaze to ignite something in the other man; something between them. He's not deliberate enough to actually do so though. 

It's times like these that Paul thinks that only them two would experience something like this. Of course they're the only two that stayed behind. And of course they're the two who decided to hike to town. Of course they're the ones to stumble upon where they sit now. And just the same, they're the only two who get to see what they're staring at now. They're the only two who've ever been that way. Somehow inexorably connected. Sometimes Paul wonders if there's something in that. Something there for him to do with that. He wonders if John'd think so too. 

Even if they tried to bring the others here, Paul thinks it wouldn't even go. 

Gazing at John, who's just beside him, he thinks how easily he can just curl his arm around John's, interlace them, and lay his head on his shoulder. 

John catches him eyeing him. “What’re ya thinkin’?” 

Paul shakes his head. “S’just so…” But he’s not only referring to the view, and doesn't know the words to finish what he even means to say. He doesn't have to though. He reckons John knows exactly what he means to say and understands exactly what he feels. 

And just as Paul had thought, John hums in agreement to Paul's words. 

John catches Paul staring at him, Paul suddenly feels exposed and looks down bashfully, like he's done something wrong. 

He gazes at John again but finds him only looking out, delighted. He's relieved to discover that John doesn't hold judgement towards his lack of self control. Especially seeing the high regard in which John holds his own. 

But John wouldn't do that. He probably wouldn't judge him no matter what. Even considering the standard he holds himself in. And Paul's just realized that he knows this is true of John. 

The sun sets into a peaceful abyss of darkness as the two quietly sit and watch. 

John turns to him with a look of delight and satisfaction. He stays like that for a moment and Paul wonders what he's thinking. He gathers he's not the only one with words untold, existing only in his head.

“This was great, y'know,” John tells him, offering him the generic portion of it. 

Paul grins, although it's only half there. He thinks now that they really should've been together for this. Like, properly. 

If nothing else, they experienced it together. At least as mates. Day well spent.

“We should head back, ay?” John suggests. It's completely dark now. 

As tranquil as he feels, the day spent has him knackered. He nods his head and they both rise, not disrupting the peaceful linger of the night. They amble slowly through the field that seems it will last forever, desirably so, until they reach the streets again.

On the bus back, Paul battles sleep until John accepts his look of plea with a subtle nod, and Paul releases the weight of his head atop the other's shoulder, John sitting patiently the whole while until they arrive. 

Paul remembers John spending the night again, but this time, it was he who fell asleep quickly, and this time, he awoke to find the adjacent bed empty. 

Figures. He hopes John doesn't feel too guilty for their intimacy last night, subtle as it was. He knows John wouldn't edge around something he thinks is wrong. And although their actions remained saint, Paul knows his mind was unjust on his own accord. John's may have been in the same place too. 

He sighs defeatedly, feeling guilty for feeling so fondly towards John, having Denny back home…

Oh shit, Denny! 

Oh shit, home!  

Paul gets hold of his phone, which has been silenced and neglected the whole of yesterday’s travels, and looks at his notifications, which both interrupts and reaffirms his very thought process. 

2 missed calls from George, one from last night, one from this morning, and a text. 

George: What's the update?  

Paul looks up the flights again. No change. He supposes his best bet is the train. And he ought to get a move on soon if he's really gonna go. Easter falls on the day after tomorrow. 

A part of him wants to pry on what John will be doing. But he knows the man can't be bothered with a trip back home. Pity. They could've gotten on there. Geo too; all three of them. 

And Denny….

Well… maybe John and Denny could've got on too. 

Or… 

Or maybe he should focus on his boyfriend with the little time he'll actually have to spend with him. 

Right Paul…

Paul: It’ll have to be by train. Gonna start getting ready to go. 

George: Aces!

It's not that Paul doesn't want to go. A part of him just feels a bit disinterested. In the travel part, he means. He's a bit enticed by the idea to relax and do anything. Especially after yesterday. The time he's spent here already these few days were favorable. He wouldn't mind more of that. 

But, y'know, he misses Denny. He owes him a visit. Besides, they deserve it. It's been too long, and they'll have a right catch together. And he'll see his family too. Everybody will be around since they'll have the holiday off. It'll be great, in fact. 

Paul washes up and begins planning his day. He calculates the best time to catch the train, and imagines over and over how he'll surprise Denny, and what his reaction will be like. 

Paul can't help his recurring consideration of John. It would've been nice to spend the week together too. But he knows it won't work in his favor. Besides, he has got to go see Denny. He knows this is his chance. And John will be here when he gets back… 

~~

The morning of Easter, Paul takes a deep breath before knocking on the door, knowing his presence is unexpected, unsure if he'll even answer… 

But not a moment later, the door opens. 

“Hey. What's up?” John idly asks in his dorm. 

Paul grins hopefully. “Wanna celebrate Easter together?” 

John smiles at him and looks as though he's compelled to say ‘yes’. Before he does, though, his smile drops. “I've kinda got somethin’ t’night,” he says guiltily, to which Paul drops his head defeatedly. 

“Oh.” 

John bites his lip guiltily before Paul see's him looking up in consideration. “How d'ya feel ‘bout kids?” 

“I love kids,” Paul answers. 

“Ya wanna hang out with some?” 

~

“So they don't actually celebrate Easter, but they kinda do?” Paul asks as they wait at the front door. 

“Ay. They're Persian but she's pretty open minded and she likes ta keep things fun fer the kids.” 

“And how many are there?” 

“Five,” John says, to which Paul raises his brows. “And countin’, I reckon.” 

When Samira opens the door, she gives John a hug and kisses his cheek and greets Paul. 

“And you must be Paul. We're happy to meet you. John's spoken of you quite a lot,” she says to him as she hugs him warmly. 

John chuckles awkwardly at that as he says “Okay, that's enough,” and separates the two. That's when the kids come running in. 

Hana runs first into his arms and embraces him and Cora’s coming after her. Sebi runs in too and tries to climb John's leg. 

“John! John!” Little Sebi shouts, getting his attention. He's got a little dinosaur toy in his hands. “This is my T-Rex. He already ate everybody. He ate Cora's dolls and he's gonna eat you!” 

“Eat me?” John asks. 

“No he didn't!” Cora exclaims at Sebi. 

“Yes! Because he's a T-Rex. He eats everything!” 

“No! She's a mermaid and she's magical. He can't eat her!” 

And like that, they bicker back and forth before John interrupts them. 

“Oi, gotta surprise fer ya,” John announces, to which they all exclaim and beg to know what it is. “I want ya guys ta meet me friend Paul. He was hopin’ you'd let him join in fer dinner. And….” He continues, luring them in for the surprise. They stare up at him with big, anticipating eyes. “As a thank you….”

“What is it, what is it!” Hana begs. 

“He brought you… Easter bunny chocolates!” he announces, to which they all shout in glee. Paul approaches with the small bag as he kneels and hands them out. “One fer each o’ ya.” 

“What do you say?” Samira asks authoritatively, and they all express their gratitude with a thank you. 

John pulls one more thing out of the bag. “And of course, some fer the table,” he says to Samira, handing her a chocolate box that looks much fancier and more adult-ish. 

She takes it from him, smiling. “Thank you. Both. You didn't have to do that,” she says. 

“It's a holiday,” John says, grinning. When she's off to put the chocolate box aside, she catches her children trying to pry open their individual chocolates. 

“Uh uh uh!” She yells, suddenly stern and booming. “After dinner!” 

John shares a grin with Paul, who looks a bit overwhelmed by it all. 

“C’mere,” John says to him and walks him to where they can leave their coats, before approaching the dinner table. 

Baron comes in from the other room, holding one twin in each hand. When he sees John, he lets him take Lila in his hands so he's just holding Aren. John coos at her in his arms. 

“Er, this is Paul, sir,” John says.

“Yes, Samira mentioned you'd be joining us,” Baron says, reaching his free hand out. Paul shakes it. “Nice to finally put a face to the name.” 

“Okay,” John says, again embarrassed by the exposer. 

“Paul, please,” Samira starts, as always, running around a little frantically after her children. “Make yourself comfortable. It's always noisy and chaotic in here. Don't let them scare you,” she tells him, smiling warmly like before. John is grateful for how welcoming they are towards him. 

“Thank you,” Paul says politely. “And don't worry, they won't. I'm sure we'll have lots of fun,” he says as they sit.

John smiles at him and temporarily entertains the thought of having babies with him, before he remembers that's not realistic. Or possible… 

Suddenly, Sebi pops up out of nowhere and jumps into Paul's lap. Now he's got two dinosaurs and is roaring for them. He pretends one is eating at Paul's face, and Paul laughs. 

Baron retrieves two high chairs and after putting Aren in one, takes Lila from John and puts her in too. 

“My Sebi,” Baron says. “Have you no courtesy?” he laughs. “Don't you know you eat the guests last?” And Sebi breaks out into laughter.

Then Hana appears and does the same to John, climbing into his lap, and whispers something in his ear. 

“I dunno. Ask him,” he answers her, clearly speaking about Paul. 

She looks at him bashfully and says, “you know him.” 

“No I don't,” John jokes. 

“Yes, he's your friend.” 

“No, I've never seen him before in my life,” he says. She smiles bashfully again. “Go on, ask him,” he encourages. 

“Um… what's your name?” she finally asks Paul. 

“It's Paul,” he says with a smile.

“Paul.”

“That’s right. What's your name.”

“Hana,” she says. 

Paul reaches out a hand to her. “Well it's a pleasure to meet you Hana.” She holds his two fingers and shakes his hand, before breaking into giggles. 

“Pleasure to meet you too, I'm John,” John says, continuing his game and reaching a hand out for Paul. 

Paul plays along. “Very good sir. Pleasure, pleasure,” he says in a posh accent, making Hana giggle. 

Samira runs to the kitchen and quickly turns off a burner, apparently worried she may have burned something. 

“Okay, these are ready to set,” she announces, to which Baron joins her to bring the dishes to the table. 

“Er, can we help with anything?” Paul asks. 

“No no, we've just about finished,” she says as they bring everything out. She summons the kids, as always, and says a prayer with Baron, and they eat. 

They teach Paul about their cuisine, and explain the meat and rice dish they’ve prepared which he finds delicious. They spend some time getting to know Paul. The kids get on with him great too, and John thinks he's having a good time. 

“How are you liking classes here Paul?” Samira asks. “I imagine it's different from traditional universities. We know John loves it here.” 

“Aye. I see why. S’definitely different. I like it a lot.”

“Have you learned anything you like?”

“Oh sure. Lots from classes. Lot’s from John, too,” he adds, making John smile modestly. 

“Well we know how smart he is,” Samira adds. 

“Aye. John told me yer a mentor?”

“Hm, yes.”

“And that’s how you two met?”

“It is,” she says smiling fondly, looking back to that day she bumped into a helplessly lost young man at the shops. “I’ve known John for years now. I’ve been with him through a lot, during the peak of his sorrows.” 

“So you’ve seen him change? I mean, you were there ta… witness it?” Paul asks, almost as if to confirm that this is the real John and not some kind of clone. 

“Oh yes. Though, by the time I met him, he already wanted to change, so that mindset was already in place. Anything before that… well, I’ve heard all the stories,” Samira says. Paul hums in understanding.

John interferes, “Yeah, yeah, John’s a strange specimen. No need ta dive inta any stories here,” making the others laugh at him. He’s been exposed enough times this evening, thank you very much. 

At the kitchen, Baron approaches his wife and in hush tone, he says, “ That’s the fellow who used to date John?” Samira says nothing but shakes her head knowingly, understanding precisely what he's thinking. Baron reaffirms her thinking with a sharp whistle. 

Samira shakes her head, though not in refusal, but rather in amazement. “Those two…” Then quickly adds, “ Don’t say a word to John! I don’t want him getting sucked in again.”

“He’s not the one I’m worried will get sucked in,” he says, catching the way Paul beams at his friend. Especially as John interacts with the kids. Something about seeing someone with children brings out a different side of them. It brings out a different side of the people watching them too. 

“Okay, we’re ready for dessert!” she announces, opening the box of chocolates John brought as they bring a kettle and tea cups to the table. The kids exclaim in glee and rush for anything sugar they can get their hands on. 

“Paul, you’re so good with kids,” Samira says as he sits with Cora in his lap, smiling at her and playing along with her easily. 

“Aye, I grew up with a younger brother an’ a lot of cousins so I’m used to it. That an’ I think it’s fun fer me,” he says. 

“You want some fun?” Baron asks. “Take them for the whole weekend. Have all the fun you desire,” he says, making them laugh. “Then maybe I can go on a date with my wife.”

“Yeah, can we, can we?” Hana exclaims.

“Well we do have some time off,” John jokes. But in response to the children taking him seriously, Samira refuses them. 

“John can stay here!” Hana says instead, and again, the kids eagerly agree and plead. 

“I s’pose I could,” John says. “But I’m sure Paul will need to be gettin’ back tonight.”

“I can stay,” Paul says. 

John looks at him. “You really don’t have to.”

“No, it’ll be fun. I mean, if there’s room for us.”

The kids all look to Samira, eyes wide in anticipation. 

“That’s fine. Our couch has two extensions. So long as you’re okay with that.”

The two men shrug and nod. “Fine with me,” Paul says. 

“Sleepover!” John announces and gets the kids screaming. Then they move to the couch and share stories. Mostly, John makes some up that are goofy and animated, doing funny voices that he knows he would’ve enjoyed as a child. They play with the older boys until they’re told to get ready for bed. As routine during his visits, John tucks them all in, and then he and Paul head to the L-shaped couch, each taking a side, with some blankets and settle down there. 

They’re still sitting up, alone now as everyone has finally parted.

“Hey,” John calls out as they begin laying down. Paul looks at him. “Ya sure ya want ta stay? Ya know ya can still bail, right?”

“I’m sure,” Paul says. “Why, ya tryin’a kick me out, Lennon?”

John smiles, feeling soft. Then straightens up his face and teases, “if only you’d get the hint already,” with an exaggerated eye roll. He’s too late to see the pillow swung at him, and when he looks at Paul, he sees him laughing. John laughs too. They’re smiling at each other in a way that’s too fond to be appropriate for their situation, but they’re equally too drunk on it to care. Paul half expects him to crawl over and give him a goodnight kiss, how soft they are. 

“G’night Macca,” John says, and it feels like a million kisses on its own. 

“G’night John.”

The next morning, they stay for breakfast and tea and hang around a bit more, but by the afternoon, the two men announce their departure and leave. Paul wouldn’t have minded staying, but John needed to get back into his routine, so Paul thought he’d accompany him again like before. The two change their clothes quickly and go to the gym like before. Paul feels good and alive working up a sweat, and he thinks it might’ve been induced by John’s presence, watching him. But whatever it is, it feels great. Being around John feels great. Being around John feels like being at home.

Leaving Samira’s, Paul's glad John’s no longer resistant towards their time spent like before. His hesitancy is gone, and Paul thinks he’s finally accepted the fact that they're good mates and allowed to be close. Like now, as they walk back to Paul’s dorm together, fatigued and washed, without protest or interference. 

“We should see about you and Geo switchin’ dorms,” Paul suggests. John looks at him with a subtle grin.

“Okay,” he says, trying to hide his proud grin.

“Might be tough gettin’ him on board though,” Paul says. 

“On board? Mate, all we gotta do is take his stuff out. What’s he gonna do?” John jokes, making Paul cackle as they approach his door. He doesn’t know where the idea came from. Well, other than struggling to part ways with John. And wanting to be around him all the time. He wonders about that. That says something, doesn’t it? 

“Actually, he might not be so against the idea,” Paul says, knowing the man supports the idea of he and John being together again. 

“Oh, why d’ya say that?” John asks, and Paul has to hide his blush not to give himself away. He thinks John’s actually considering it. Paul is. 

Paul shrugs, “Think he wants ta trade me fer Ringo,” he jokes as he opens the door to which both men freeze upon entering, smiles vanishing from their faces. 

Holy shit….

“Denny! What are ya doin’ here?” 

Paul blinks after speaking. And yup! He’s really here. Not imagining it. He looks at John who looks just as guilty as he does, although why he might feel guilty could only be explained by confirmation. Confirmation that John was, in fact, considering it. 

Denny smiles and approaches him. “Surprise!” he announces, and Paul notices he’s got luggage with him. Denny embraces him with a kiss, then a hug. “I felt bad that ya weren’t able ta make it back home, so I decided to come see you!” 

When they part, Paul looks at him, blinking and hoping his face doesn’t give away his guilt. “You shouldn’t have...” Paul says, sounding polite, but actually sincerely. Denny has a wide grin on his face that Paul tries to match. When Denny looks at John, Paul feels a rush of worry overcome him, but quickly realizes there’s no reason for that and it’s nothing but irrational paranoia. 

“I’m sorry…” Denny says, confused frown on his face.

“Er, John,” John reminds him. 

“Right. Pardon,” Denny says genuinely, looking innocently cheerful and Paul just wants to bury himself in the dirt for this. Holy fuck, what is wrong with him??

John shakes his head politely, as if to diffuse his apology. “An’ yer Denny,” he adds, to which Denny smiles with a grin. “We know that cause yer always on Paul’s mind,” John says, earning Paul brownie points that he doesn’t feel he deserves right now. 

“Aye, glad ta hear it. Good t’see ya,” Denny says. 

John nods, again, politely. “Well… I should er… go. Let ya guys catch up an’ all,” John says. It doesn’t take an expert to read the room, and he leaves quickly before Paul even bothers to farewell his departure. 

Paul looks at Denny and is dependent on hope alone that he doesn’t look saddened. 

“How did you… when did you…” Paul starts. 

“Took a flight this morning,” Denny says, taking Paul’s hands. 

Paul's eyes widen at that. “A flight?” Paul asks, praying that he’s hearing this wrong. 

“Aye.”

“That musta cost a fortune!” 

“Well… you couldn’t make it and… I wanted to see you,” Denny says, looking into Paul's eyes. 

“You really didn’t have to do that,” Paul says, eyes sorrowful with guilt. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it, okay. I wanted to. Besides, you deserve it.”

Nope. He doesn’t. He literally doesn’t.

Denny leans in and kisses him. 

“What d’ya wanna do?” Paul asks with a smile, as if he didn’t just ask his ex-boyfriend to move in with him, and consider throwing his whole life away for him. Paul tries to spend the rest of the day being loving and grateful for Denny’s surprise. It’s the least he could do. 

He doesn’t know when George is coming back. That is, until he’s actually coming back the next day, and their dorm room is opening. Paul sighs, knowing Geo’s probably about ready to scold him. He isn’t even sure if George know’s Denny’d be here. If they got in touch in Liverpool. 

“Well well w-- oh…” George says, freezing just as he and John have done. So that settles that. He didn’t know. George looks between a grinning Denny and a beaten up Paul, expression blank in wonder. “Denny!”

“Hey Georgie!” he says, and offers him a hug. 

“You’re here!” George announces. “Is that why…” George starts, but thankfully, thinks twice before finishing, despite him not noticing the terrified look Paul gave him. 

“Aye. I’m here.” 

“Well would ya look at that,” George says curiously, wondering if Paul knew, and that’s the reason he never showed. 

They catch up for sometime, all three of them before Denny talks about his flight. 

“I was thinkin’ about it, but then I couldn’t wait anymore. I just came down, an’ got a good surprise outta him, didn’t I Paul?” Denny says. 

“Oh it was… you surprised him?” George asks, giving Paul a knowing look while Denny grins and nods innocently. “So you didn’t know he was comin’?” George asks, addressing Paul this time. Paul only gives him a firm look. 

“Neat, no?” Denny asks. 

“Just great. So what’re ya guys up to now?” 

“Not much. Might get dinner soon if Paul’s up for it,” Denny says, looking over to which Paul smiles in agreement. “But actually, wanted to have a wash ‘fore that. Think you could keep him company since yer here?” Denny asks George. 

“Oh definitely. Don’t worry, Paul’s always got company,” George says sneakily. But Paul’s given up on caring and just stares off blankly. Denny gathers his clothes and Paul’s washing gear and goes off. 

George moves so he’s sitting beside Paul on his bed. 

“Didn’t make it down, eh?” George asks, teasing. 

“Shut it!”

“Something keepin’ ya here?””

“Geo…”

“Oh I know what it is! Ya rather stay here and spend time with John rather than yer boyfriend.” George states, wishing Paul would stop torturing himself already. 

When he looks beside himself, he see’s Paul’s head buried in his crouching legs and covered by his arms. He frowns. At the way Paul’s body shudders, he understands that he’s crying. 

“Paul?”

Paul snivels beside him. “I’m a horrible boyfriend. I’m such a piece of shit,” he weeps, making George overcome with sudden guilt.

“C’mone, Paul,” he says sympathetically. 

But Paul only shakes his head. “Look at all he’s done. Comin’ out here and surprisin’ me. He flew, y’know. He must’a spent a fortune. And he thinks I wasn’t able to…” Paul says, weeping in guilt. “But yer right. I stayed here ta be with John instead… I know what ya think about John. About John and I… that I… I should be with him instead of Denny… I don’t even deserve to be with Denny. He’s not the problem. I am.” 

George rubs his back. “Yer not the problem, Paul.”

“Really? What am I, then?”

“Sometimes things happen, Paul. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”

Paul shakes his head again, tears finally slowing. “Denny doesn’t deserve any of this.”

“What’re ya gonna do?”

Paul snivels once before answering decidedly. “I’m gonna be a good boyfriend.”

When Denny returns, Paul makes sure he’s ready to go out for dinner and that it’s gonna be great. The two head out, leaving George in the dorms, before Paul turns to Denny. 

“Hey, er…” Paul says, taking Denny’s hands so that they're standing only some inches apart. “I’m really glad yer here,” Paul says, genuinely this time, and kisses his boyfriend. 

Denny smiles at him. “Me too… I was wonderin’ if somethin’ was wrong,” Denny admits. 

“Oh… er… no that…. That was nothing… I guess I just felt guilty fer not comin’ down meself. I wanted to, y’know.”

“I know. And it’s okay Paul. Ya don’t have ta feel bad. One more term anyroad, then you’ll be home fer summer right?”

Paul smiles. “Definitely.”

This time, Paul actually does take every moment of Denny's visit to spend time with him and give him 100% of his attention. He's only here for five days and then he's flying off to Liverpool. 

He doesn't hear from John all the while, which at this point is expected, and he finds wise anyway. 

Paul's realized he needs to be more responsible about his relationship. It's only fair. He can't believe he even considered…. 

He still thinks about John, but it's wrong. And more than anything, he feels unbearably guilty about it for Denny. It's not fair to be keeping this big secret from him. Especially now that he knows Denny wouldn't like it. 

Classes will pick up in no time, and Paul's newly refreshed with the presence of his boyfriend despite him being gone now. He doesn't bother trying to see John. Not to say that he's avoiding the lad. No. He’s passed that. They're still mates. And good mates at that. Plus, he's quite sure John understands.

And if he doesn't, well, he's not Paul's boyfriend. Denny is, and he's the one who'll come first. 

For some time, he doesn't see John at all. Even the lunch period has been scattered lately, especially with all the students' hectic schedules. And when he does, it's brief and latent. 

That doesn't stop his roomie, however. 

“Denny was here, y’know,” George says. 

John nods. “Yeah I er… I know.” 

“Think Paul might need a bit o’ space. Y’know how he is.” 

“Aye. Thought so. S’no problem,” John says, to which George is both relieved and admirable towards John's ability to detach. 

“I'm sorry,” George unexpectedly announces.

John frowns. “What for?” 

“That he… showed up,” George says. John's still frowning at him. “Feel like that changed the course o’ things… I mean Paul, he…” 

John shakes his head. “Don't speak fer Paul okay. He knows what he's doin’. And he knows what he wants,” John says, eliciting a snort from George at the last. 

He's wise enough to know that Paul doesn't know shit. At least not till it's too late. 

Even John understands why he's laughing. “Doesn't matter anyroad. Don't try ta change things that aren't yers ta change.” 

“Whad’ya lads do here?” George asks, making John frown again. “I know Paul didn't spend it alone.” 

“We just… I dunno. Hung about. Worked out, went inta town,” John says, purposely omitting the details on the intimacy they shared. Mentally, if nothing else. He knows what George is thinking and trying to say, but that doesn't mean he can change things. He knows better than to give himself false hope again, so he pretends it doesn't exist; devalues it of any meaning instead. 

“Inta town? Ya don't say.” 

“Aye. Seemed like a good idea. Had the whole day, y’know.” 

“Hm…” George fights the urge to tell him what he sees clear as light, which is that Paul's only with Denny because he feels guilty, and nothing else. But he sees John's point and leaves it at that. Not his to change anyroad, as John said. Besides, for all he knows, John knows it too. 

“So you're really okay? I mean, yer really over it,” George says. 

John shrugs. “Can ya believe it?” Why shouldn't he be okay? 

They laugh. “Aye well, I think it's right good o’ ya,” George applauds. 

John grins. “That's all that matters,” he says, and off they go to their meditation. 

~~

John enjoyed reading. He got "The Song of Achilles" because he was one with poetry himself. That and he enjoyed the stories of Greek mythology. He remembered when he read this one bit. Achilles said it to Patroculs. 

"I would recognise you in total darkness. Were you mute and I deaf? I would recognise you in another lifetime entirely, in different bodies, different times. And I would love you in all of this, until the very last star in the sky burnt out into oblivion" 

He instantly thought of Paul, heart heavy with a need to share. He told Paul about his new "ancient gay love story book" and read the poem to him. From then on, John would recite it in moments of intimacy, like when they'd be in bed together, or after they'd made love. Paul quickly realized John was in fact saying it to him. And meaning it. 

~~ 

Denny's good company. There's nothing bad to say about the lad really. Only thing is, he's no John. Anything but, in fact. The two are practically polar opposites. Paul wonders if that's why he gravitated towards him. Maybe he was searching for someone who was opposite to John. Even without realizing it. So much for that… 

In his dorm, Paul’s studying on his computer when the door opens and he unexpectedly see’s John enter. 

“Oh,” John says, looking as surprised as Paul. “Er, sorry. Geo here?” John asks. They usually find each other to go to those classes. Paul feels temporarily excited that John’s here to see him, before discovering the real reason for his arrival.  He can’t believe it's been close to weeks since he’s hung out with John. And to think he’s only here by mistake now. 

“He’s at a meeting with his professor. Quarterly eval.”

Paul see’s John nod, clearly looking of realization, as well as disappointment. “Right. Forgot ‘bout that. I’ll just… leave ya to it then,” John says, gettin’ ready to go. 

“Ya don't have to,” Paul says, stopping him. “I’m not… ‘m not avoidin’ you or anythin’.”

“Oh.” John nods. “Good.”

“It’s just… with Denny an’ all… I just really needed ta focus on us-- him and I. And I…” Paul says, stopping himself before he admits guilt for his underlying feelings. 

John nods again. “No, definitely.”

Paul’s face flushes as he shakes his head in shame. “Sorry, I-- that was… I shouldn’t o’ brought that up.”

“Oh, no,” John dismisses.

“I just feel like…” Paul murmurs, then looks up and meets John's eyes. In a way that sounds sincere, he says, “like I can tell you this kinda stuff.”

John shrugs with a gentle smile. “Well you can. You can tell me anythin’. Y’know that, Macca.”

Paul sighs with an easy smile. He’s forgotten how easy he feels around John these days, and somehow it washes away all his guilt. Sometimes being around John so much makes him forget about Denny. Being with John feels natural. Where was this John when they were teenagers?

It's a bit foolish that Paul was so adamant to avoid John at the start of the year. He wonders how the hell he's meant to do so. Because nothing is more compelling than fancying John Lennon. He doesn't know what he was thinking. Because more commonly, he can hardly resist him. 

“D’ya hafta go ta that class? Or have ya got the night off, then?” Paul asks.

John smiles at him before shutting the door behind him. 

~~~

It’s May. The time for Ringo’s second class retreat has come. The one that they all agreed to save up for so they can be there together. This one is after the last day of classes. And it's only a week instead of two because, in just two weeks from today-- drumroll please-- the seniors graduate! 

Which includes John, Ringo, and Stuart. 

He can't believe that time has finally come. 

They all packed their stuff and took the bus over. The spot is beautiful. It's on a piece of land with forest areas around it, allowing for tons of outdoor stuff. It's the perfect spot for a retreat. And the best part is: none of the activities are mandatory! They can choose if they want to participate. 

But they mostly do all of them. John does at least. 

“Okay first meditation, then morning yoga, breakfast, break, a ‘team building activity’, afternoon yoga, lunch, break, evening yoga, and that's everything!” Paul says, reading off of a pamphlet with today's schedule. Everyday’s plans go about like that, but slightly different, and of course, Mr. Overachiever wants to do all of them. 

But that doesn't bug John, who smiles at him. “Let's do it.” 

The first day, all though jam packed, is easy. As it turns out, each day gets slightly more challenging than the last. 30 minute meditations turn into 1 hour (then progress to 2 hours), yoga turns into ‘speed yoga’, and sometimes is replaced with calisthenics (which John overall enjoys for the sake of getting some workouts in, but that was a hell of a challenge!) 

And the last day is dedicated to the deepest level of growth. Every activity will be done with a partner. Somehow. John still doesn't know how they're gonna pull that one off. That, plus some ‘team-bonding’ and ‘trust’ exercises. Thankfully there's an even number of them. 

During yoga, John learns that doing it with a partner is actually super fun. And hilarious…

Oh and during the ‘trust’ exercise, something magical happened. 

When he asked Paul to be his partner, Paul said no! 

But wait for it! 

His exact words were, “I already trust you. That defeats the point,” and mindlessly wandered off to Stuart without batting an eye. 

Sigh…

Also… good choice, John thinks. They’re the only two who don't know much about each other. 

He ended up with George, who made it really hard to not drop purposely. But he didn't! So you can say they made a good choice too. 

It's not the most enlightening part of the retreat, but it's the most fun. 

At the end of the day, their final exercise is a ‘bonding-meditation’. Whatever the fuck that is. Last Johns checked, meditation is about sitting in silence. Alone . So he doesn't really know what to expect. 

When it begins, the instructor tells them this is the most important team exercise they will have done yet, and the focus is on repair and reconnection.  

The instructor told them to pick a partner for whom there is room for connection, possibly even repair.

John knows who that person is for him. He thinks Paul knows too that choosing each other is the only choice. He thinks momentarily of choosing Paul, but decides against it. He doesn’t find it particularly appropriate to “connect” with Paul at the moment. It wouldn’t be right. John thinks of all the ways it could get in Paul’s way. 

Reconciling… I'd be nice. But… really, to be realistic here, what does he even expect? He's graduating soon, and he'd probably never see the lad again. Actually this time. So really, would it be wise to open that door? Could he even? 

So he lets that go. 

Maybe Stu’s still mad at him for eating that sandwich he was saving for himself….

John, while in thought, raises his head at suddenly being approached by someone. 

It's Paul. 

He’s standing in front of John and gazing at him, but saying nothing. 

Paul chose him. 

Well… there you have it. His reason dissolves into temptation, and he does not care to ponder it anymore. He smiles at Paul, words unnecessary to speak, and they move to find a spot.

Like every pair finding a space to sit, John and Paul find a secluded area to ensure their privacy. As instructed, they sit on the ground facing one another, knees to knees, and eyes to eyes. 

Okay… here we go.  

It starts with a breathing portion. All the partners are asked to hold hands; which the awkwardness of quickly resolves into familiarity and comfort; and breath while the instructor spends time talking, getting them to tap into their ‘inner self’. It feels unfairly intimate, them doing that together. 

Paul notices John's stroking his hand with his thumb. Paul doesn't know if he doesn't realize it, or if he's just given up on any restraint.

When they’re told to open their eyes, John’s eyes sink into Paul’s. Easily and deeply, like they’re going through a bottomless abyss. 

“Are you ready?” She asks. 

The two are looking at each other and John grins, feeling a sense of ease, but mostly pride for himself. He gets to actually do this. 

“Oh yes,” he says, almost humorously-like. Paul giggles at that, and John smiles, this time at Paul rather than at himself. And then she gets onto some discussion topics. 

Like “something you regret, something you’re grateful for, and something you’re hoping for or want to see in the future.”

John goes first, and lays down all the guilt he’s felt for who he was in the past, being cruel and always mistreating others.

“But yer not that bloke no more,” Paul tells him reassuringly. 

John points a finger at him, “somethin’ I’m grateful for,” he says, eliciting a laugh from Paul. 

“And somethin’ ya wanna see in the future?” Paul asks. 

It would not be appropriate for John to say “you”, so he doesn’t. Although that is the most truthful thing he can say. But he justifies it and thinks. “Think I’d like ta help others. With their own growth. Like mine.” It’s second to what he wants most, so. 

Paul smiles. “You’d be good at that,” he says. 

John smiles. “Aright then. Yer turn.”

Paul’s smile drops, and John thinks his regret has something to do with it. He also see’s how Paul doesn’t want to say it. He awaits, eyes kind, for Paul to continue. 

“Gettin’ caught with people who don’t deserve it. Two blokes, ta be exact,” Paul finally admits. 

John smiles at him. “Don’t be foolish.”

It’s easy for John to say but he doesn’t know how much indecisiveness Paul’s going through right now. 

“I’m really grateful we’re mates again. I think I really needed that an’... it’s good ta have ya back,” Paul continues, evading the previous topic. John looks touched by that. “And I hope…” Paul starts, also thinking here. “I hope we continue ta be,” he says, and it’s the truth. He wants that really really bad. Even with Denny in the picture, he doesn’t think he can let John go. 

And it goes on like that, talking and learning much about each other, until they start knowing the truth. 

“Okay. Ready for this part?” The instructor asks at the very end, and there's a mischievous, knowing tone in her voice. At everyone's approval, she continues. “Now, reveal a mistake your partner is making.” And when she says it, everyone thinks unexpectedly. “A mistake your partner is making, and what they should be doing instead. You ready?” She asks, not to the people speaking, but to those listening in preparation for criticism. “Go on. Don't hold back,” she adds, humorously. 

“You think poorly of yourself,” Paul says without a pause and without doubt. 

John frowns at him. Okay, that was quick.

At that Paul continues. “Yer so hard on yourself and fer some reason ya think yer not a good bloke, and I know that yer hung up on yer past but yer actually one of the best blokes I know. And you should know you are too.” 

John blinks as he listens. He can't say he expected this, nor that it's surprising to hear. 

“Okay…” he says, finally smiling. Paul smiles too. “I think you… need ta be less uncertain about yer decisions.” 

“But d’ya think I make the wrong decisions?” Paul quickly asks. And John wants to answer and offer his sage advice, he really does, but he gets cut off by his own snort as he begins to cackle at Paul and the irony of his question. 

“Macca!” Is all he says, choked out in laughter. 

Paul laughs too, realizing what he's just done. “I just mean that… what if I make the wrong decisions? How do I know?” 

“You don't,” John says. “Paul, you making a decision is already a sign that you're on the right path. There's a reason ya make the choices ya make. And not every choice is technically the ‘right’ one, true as it may be, but yer making it anyway. So… go all out. At least then you'll get something out of it. Even if it's just a lesson,” John says with a casual shrug, sagely. 

Paul blinks in thought. “Oh,” he says with an epiphany. Then he smiles. “Ay.” 

“Right?” John asks, confirming Paul's understanding, and Paul nods. 

“That… that is good advice fer me. I needed ta hear that. Cheers,” Paul says, smiling at John at the last. 

John nods. “And, I guess… I am too hard on myself.”

Paul smiles empathetically. “I know you're insecure about yer past John, but the person you are today… you've more than made up fer that.” 

John looks down self consciously. “Actually, some of the stuff I regret most is… the way I treated you ,” John admits. 

“I know,” Paul says, but despite it, John shakes his head disapprovingly. 

“I don't think I could ever get forgive meself fer that,” John says. 

“See! That's exactly what I'm talkin’ about,” Paul adds, pointing a finger at him. “The John I met here is one of me greatest mates of all time. I don't think I've ever felt so close ta anybody before. Yer a good person, John. And you have a good heart,” Paul says, and John tries to smile but if he's being ‘authentic’ here, well, he still feels insecure of that past. “But when ya sink down to all yer mistakes… to the past,” Paul continues. “A different side of ya comes out. But I want to see the real John. The one who changes the world just by being his normal, true self. See? It's no use, holdin’ onta all that, so… don't.” Paul says lovingly. 

John nods, hearing everything Paul's saying and agreeing with him. But feeling still like his emotions need a little convincing. 

“Hey,” Paul says, drawing John's eyes to his. “I took your advice,” Paul states matter-of-factly. 

John chuckles light heartedly. “Aye.” Paul understands that no matter how much John's grown, healed, matured, or whatever, he won't quite be able to recover from his past on his own. Only Paul could help him to ease that pain. He feels both incredibly fondly yet so sad towards John as he encourages him… like he really really loves him. 

“Did ya… mean that about… feelin’ closest ta me, than anyone else?” John asks. 

Paul smiles. “What do you think?” 

“Even…” 

Paul nods. John smiles at that. “Me too,” he adds. 

He's good at keeping his feelings at bay, but sometimes… sometimes he really misses Paul. And not in a ‘friend’ way. 

After the discussion portion, they’re told to finish off with a meditation to connect on what’s been told and to connect with each other. It’s deeper than John’d like to admit. 

After all that, the exercise is finished and the instructor dismisses everyone. The two men rise and embrace in a hug, as the other pairs have, fondness heavy in the air. They hold each other closely and intimately, feelings deeply showing on their sleeves. When they part, John excuses himself and steps outside. 

Inside, Paul lets John go off on his own, giving him a moment alone as he himself uses one. He wonders if it would have been right of him to have brought Denny and done this with him instead, guilt creeping up on him again. Lately he’s felt helplessly burdened by this bottomless duel between John and Denny. He doesn’t want his relationship with Denny to affect his friendship with John. At the same time, he can’t overcome the guilt he feels because of his friendship with John. How’s that fair? Does he really…. Need to choose? Choose one and forget the other all together? Formally, he knows he doesn’t. He’s loyal to Denny and he can continue to be so. But on the inside, he feels he’s being punished for his actions that despite being absolved, is starting to become unbearable. 

So once again, he’s overcome by guilt that he’s here with John and not Denny. Though somehow, the thought of being here with Denny does not comfort his wandering mind.

And Paul realizes now that it might be because he doesn’t actually want Denny here. He just thinks he should. And perhaps that's the cause of his ached conscience that cannot be followed. 

Paul finds John outside along an overlook with a fence to a beautiful scene of hills and the setting sun ahead.  

“That was something,” Paul says to lighten the mood. 

“Aye.” 

“Was that a bad idea?” Paul suddenly asks, making John frown at him. “I mean, am I an idiot for askin’ ya ta partner up?” 

John's already shaking his head at the absurdity. “No, Paul. Don't start with that. S'no big deal. Honest, Macca,” John says. Paul nods relievingly. “Gonna take a lot more than that ta kill me spirits,” John adds with a grin. “Ain't even the worst of it,” he adds, referring to his grueling past, and there's a light heartedness to his mood that Paul is relieved and refreshed by. Even more so, becoming addicted to it. 

Paul knows there's nothing else to say, but it's like he craves something from John, and doesn't want to leave his side. 

As Paul stares at John, the older man notices and meets his eyes, and something there makes Paul wonder something. 

He used to wonder if he was over John, and he reasoned that he was. But now, he wonders not if he's over him, but if he wants to be over him, and he doesn't know why he's never wondered it before. Because now that he asks himself it, it seems like such an obvious answer. 

John doesn't understand why he's being stared at, being at the opposing end of that for once. But Paul finds him irresistible right now, as Paul ponders. But not in just a physical way. In the most spiritual and soulful way that he has the capacity for. And he oddly remembers a conversation he's had with Denny not too long ago. 

“Would you be okay if I were still mates with me ex?” Paul suddenly asks. They're huddled up on Paul's tiny bed in his dorm. 

Denny frowns at the sudden question. He chuckles. “I think not,” he says. 

“S'not like that. We're just mates and he would never do anything like that. Trust me,” Paul says, because he finally believes that. 

“Well it's not really about that.” 

“Whad’ya mean?” Paul asks.  

“Well... It's about all the memories with him that are still a part of you. You can't just… erase a certain part of your relationship... Everything is still there. The connection ya once had,”

Or like the connection they have now. Paul doesn't think he's felt so understood or close to someone before. Somehow, John just gets him. 

“all the intimacy you guys once had,”

Like the safety Paul feels with John, and how he just can't help wanting to stay close to him, always.

All the dirty moments you shared,”

He can't lie, he finds John more attractive than ever lately. If John only knew the half of it. 

“All the talks and special moments you had,”  

Like this one…

“and if you reopen those doors,”

 Oh they're open, baby.

“ sooner or later, all those bits and feelings will start coming back, they'll return because they never really left ,”

No. They haven't.  

“and in enough time, you won't be able to hold back anymore ,”

Paul steps in front of John. Hold back what? 

He grabs John's neck with his hand, and presses his lips to John's. And just like that, everything comes back. Every touch, every memory, every feeling, every tear, every erection. Everything, in just the few seconds their lips shared. And there was no holding back. 

On his part... 

Apparently "healed men" suddenly have all the control in the world! 

"Mm, w-wait Paul.” 

Seriously?  

"We shouldn't," John says, interrupting their kiss. 

Paul stares at him. "Why are you talking and not kissing me?" He leans in and kisses him again. John kisses back, but then whimpers in a way that sounds painful before pulling off again. 

"Paul." 

Paul gives up this time and sighs in both defeat and disappointment. He drops his head. 

“I…” John starts, “am so… unbelievably in love with you,” getting Paul's attention, who suddenly looks up and meets his eyes. His mouth is slightly agape. "Remember... I'll recognize you in complete darkness. Always will. But I can't let you do something you'll regret. I can't, Macca. It's not right. Not like this." 

Not like this.... 

Like what then? 

"Like what then?" Paul asks. 

John bites his lip as he thinks, contemplating if he should just fuck all hell and jump at an opportunity like this, before grabbing this man and pulling him off into the sunset with him. "Does Denny make you happy?" 

Paul frowns. He thinks about the question and suddenly feels the urge to tear up. "I... I don't know." 

"That's not what ya said before." 

"I thought he did but now I don't know anymore," he whimpers. How could he tell this man that anybody but him could make him happy; when it's simply not true. 

John feels his pain-- more than he'd like to admit-- but it doesn't excuse doing anything he shouldn't. Paul's still with Denny. And John can't encourage him being unfaithful.  

Instead, he offers the lad a hug, which Paul gratefully accepts and cries in his friend's arm. It feels soothing here. He loves this John. He always loved John, but now it's completely different. This John is safe, and good, and considerate, and here. Not here as in here now. But really here. Like emotionally here with him. When past John always seemed so far away. Far away yet simultaneously invading him. 

“Hey, shh… it's okay, Macca,” he soothes a suddenly tearful Paul while they hug. 

It was kind of a reality check for John. The time spent with Paul during the first half of that break was nothing short of perfection. And he knows Paul felt guilty for Denny when he saw him, but that’s nothing to how guilty John felt himself. And to think he had actually thought about it. Swooping in and getting to Paul, taking him for himself. 

How wrong it would’ve been. If Denny hadn’t shown when he had, who knows where they would’ve taken it. And John worries he might’ve let it. He believes in karma; his saving grace for doing good; and he follows the path that if he doesn’t want it done to him, he should not (and will not) do it to another.

So if you think about it: if he and Paul were together, and Paul was off getting in touch with his ex doing god knows what behind John’s back… yeah, doesn’t take a genius to know he’d protest. In fact, just the thought of that, even while they’re just mates, makes him sick. 

And he knows his feelings would overpower him. He thought he could withhold them, and maybe if they remained estranged he could. But not now. Not like this while they’re all close, and only getting closer. It’s not fair to him. It’s not fair to Paul. And it’s certainly not fair to Denny.  

After a moment, they separate and John locks eyes with Paul. “Paul… ya got a good thing goin' with Denny. It won't change the way I feel about ya, and I can't believe I'm sayin' this but… “ he closes his eyes and sighs in disbelief and sorrow. “Don't ruin that. Don't fall back in this mess Paul. You… ya deserve better than that.”

Paul listens, feeling defeated, and wonders, despite himself, if John is right. Somehow, he still feels devastated. 

“All I've ever done is gotten in yer way,” John adds, sounding humiliated and small. Paul looks up at him with broken eyes, heartbroken that John thinks such things about himself. 

“That's not true.” 

“Isn't it?” John asks, and Paul wants to scream ‘no’. “If not fer you, at least do this fer me. Fer my own sake. So I can live with myself.” 

Paul drops his head, defeated. So there you have it. He snivels and his tears stop. He's not devastated much anymore. Try empty instead. 

The last day of the retreat, they spend time packing up and preparing for their departure. The two don't speak on the way back. They'll save that for later. It's about to be graduation day! And the younger three planned to stay and watch. The seniors will be graduating next week. Some students (the lower grades) are already going back home. Some are waiting till then. 

During the bus back, John keeps a distance that Paul feels unnatural. It shouldn't be them two keeping a distance. It should be them two conjoining before anyone else. He doesn't care what John says. He's wrong if he believes anything other than this to be true. 

~

Paul cheers when it's John's turn. John looks so happy and proud of himself. It makes Paul smile from the audience chairs. And he looks terribly handsome too. Then goes Ringo, and last of the three, Stuart. At the end of the ceremony the three, like the rest of the audience, exit the ceremony room and look for their newly graduates. 

It's crowded and people move slow, but eventually some of the graduates appear and connect with family. 

Paul rushes through. He's looking for John. Okay, he knows they just had like the most depressing talk on the planet, but this is different okay. This one's important. 

After some time, he bumps into Ringo, who's with his family. 

“Ringo! Oi! Ya graduated!” Paul exclaims when Ringo spots him. They embrace in a forceful hug as Ringo smiles in glee. 

“Would ya believe it! I graduated!” He repeats. 

Paul's smiling brightly. “Congratulations mate!” They chit chat for a bit, and Paul greets his family. “Ay, have ya seen John? I'm looking fer ‘im.”

Ringo's smile drops, though Paul doesn’t know why. “Er… yeah, yeah… He’s over there,” and he points to a large crowd behind him. Paul doesn’t care much for Ringo’s change in scene and dashes towards John upon spotting him. 

John barely registers his approach before Paul leaps into his arms for a hug, making him mutter a “woah!”

“Ya did it, Johnny!” Paul exclaims, then releases him. “Ya graduated, can ya believe it! You must be thrilled. I know yer ready ta start workin’!” Paul exclaims, gleaming at him. 

John can’t help mimic that smile, feeling brightened and proud, especially knowing that Paul is, of him specifically. “Thanks, Macca. I am thrilled.”

“What’re ya gonna do now?” Paul asks.

John shrugs. “Dunno. Probably gonna get inta some volunteer stuff, or apprenticeships…”

Paul shakes his head. “No! T’night! We’re celebratin’ aren’t we?” 

John blinks disheartenedly. “Oh… yeah er… I dunno. I mean… everyone’s leavin’, goin’ back home.”

“So? We gotta do somethin’! As a final celebration! Before we all go,” Paul says. 

From afar, John see’s Mimi in a crowd. Paul looks over and sees her too, recognizing her immediately. John leans in due to the increasing noise amongst them. “Listen, I gotta go on over, but find me later t’night and we’ll talk about it, aye?” 

Paul nods eagerly, wide grin on his face. He hugs John again, feeling warm doing so and unable to resist him, which John returns, and then he’s walking off, greeting Mimi and celebrating with her.

Outside, Paul finds John like he said he would. 

“Hey,” John says. It’s quieter out here. Peaceful and steady. 

“Hey,” Paul says with the same wide grin. He feels rejuvenated somehow, especially after the retreat, though he knows John doesn’t know why. John hasn’t gotten in the way of anything. He couldn’t. It’s the other way around. Paul doesn’t ever want to let him go. “So?”

John’s smile drops and he looks down, and as much as Paul wants to ignore it, taken by his own jubilation, he’s overcome by worry that something might be wrong. “There’s not gonna be a celebration,” John says, though Paul doesn’t know, still, why that’s so troublesome.

“Is it true yer stayin’ in Elgin?” Paul asks, because the “yes” will solve all his problems in that he’ll see John again when the next school year starts, despite him planning a trip home during the summer. Rumor has it, John’s found himself a decent flat. 

“Aye,” John says, and Paul beams at him. 

“Tha’s great! We can still see each other, and--”

Though John shakes his head. “Paul…” 

Paul quietens and his smile fades away as he stares at John, awaiting what he doesn’t understand. 

“I don’t think so, Paul,” John says, looking drowned in sorrow, and like he’s ready to cry. 

Paul frowns at him. “What?”

John shakes his head, eyebrows frowning apologetically. “I hafta let ya go, Paul,” he says, and it all but rips his heart out of his chest. Paul’s too. 

Paul’s shoulders drop. “Oh.” He understands now. Despite his disapproval.  

“I’m sorry,” John says, utterly sincere, and painfully so. 

He reaches for Paul’s hand and holds it. Paul looks as devastated as he. He brings it to his lips and kisses the back of Paul's hand, which he allows as a final goodbye, justified by their not seeing each other, and for the first time ever, John’s sorrow overpowering his morals. “Goodbye, Paul.” 

Paul understands now. He looks sorrowful and shakes his head. Wrong. Wrong. This is all wrong. “What if I don’t want it this way?” Paul asks. 

John stares at him. Finally, “you can have it any way you want. But you have to make a choice.” There’s nothing more to say, and John should not prolong their pain. So he leaves. 

Paul’s heart sinks and his skin breaks out in chills from sorrow as he finally gets it. John doesn't want to be found. Not by a particular someone, that is. 

Ringo comes out a moment later. “I'm sorry,” he says, making Paul look over, and notice how blurry his image is from the water engulfing his eyes. So he’s already decided this. If Ringo knows then… 

Paul shakes his head, although his brows are furrowed tragically. Ringo sees his tears pooling and silently walks over and rubs his back, comforting him until it's time to go. 

John’s hiding because of him. Because the poor bloke can't handle even a second longer of Paul breaking his heart. Paul’s overpowered with a desperate need to repair it. This is all wrong. He can’t explain why, but he’s disheartened by this. By all of it. 

He gives Denny a face call. Paul doesn’t even wonder if his heart would break over Denny, as nothing compares to how broken it feels over John. 

“Hey,” Denny says, his face popping up and showing a grin. 

“Hey,” Paul says, looking decent, not eager, but also not showing that he's about to share bad news. 

“Almost time, eh. How's it going?” Denny asks. 

“Ay. Good. Listen er… I need ta talk ta ya ‘bout something.”

Denny frowns. “Oh? Still comin’ home next week right?” 

“Yeah yeah, just… there's something I need ta tell ya.”  

~~~

John stays in Elgin. In his new flat (thank you very much!) which he's been hunting down before graduation. Then he starts working up his business! He thinks he's got something good going here! And he's not going to think about the fact that he's never gonna see Paul again. 

“Are you okay?” Samira asks him when he's there, because John sounds particularly heartbroken this time. This is it… this is the real end of it, after all. 

“Yeah. I should've known it would've all ended one day. But now that it is, I can really let go, y’know.”

“Hm,” Samira agrees. 

“An’ we'll never see each other again. I'll make sure of it this time.” 

She squeezes his hand lovingly. No words would do much for him anyway. But she's hopeful he'll be okay. 

His emotions overpower him this time, however, and he shakes his head in shame, on the verge of tears. “I'm so stupid,” he says. 

“Oh, John. You know that's not true now. Why say such things?” 

“I think a part of me really thought that…” he starts, not finishing his sentence as she nods in understanding. “I didn’t mean ta let that happen,” he adds quietly, sounding completely defeated. “I just feel like such a… a failure. Paul probably thinks so too.” 

“I don't think that's true.” 

He shakes his head. “Why shouldn't it be?” He asks bitterly. 

She sighs, and the manner in which she does it reveals something to John. Something that she's been hiding from him, perhaps. 

“You're not a failure John. You’re just a human. And I have something to tell you,” she says, confirming his suspicions. He's still focused on his weeping when she says, “I'm pregnant again. And do you know what we're going to name him?” 

He snivels. “What? I knew that, by the way,” he adds, making her smile. 

“Jonan. After our beloved John,” she says tenderly, cupping his face and smiling at him. 

He stills in shock and his eyes round cutely. Another tear sheds his eye, but this time by the touching of his heart. 

“Really?” He asks, partly in disbelief. 

Samira smiles again. “Really.” 

John smiles at that, touched, and now feeling a little okay. 

~

With graduation over, Paul should've gone home already. And he will. Maybe… 

He’ll give up… He’ll give up after this. He just needs to do one more thing. Ringo's been talking him out of it. And it almost worked at times. But he doesn’t know the whole story. He's felt on the verge of giving up. 

And he will.

He solemnly swears to give up. After this…

~

John's first week being an adult, John feels he fits right in. And finally has his own place! 

He hasn't seen Paul since graduation. He feels guilty for how he said goodbye, but, well, more than that, he feels rather helpless about it. It seemed the lesser of two evils. 

He see's Samira and the kids often. Especially with the new news, he gathers she needs help at home to rest and relax. He tries to visit and help out as much as he can, despite everything that still needs unpacking. 

And living in an actual flat is the best thing in the world! No joke. 

He came home from the gym not long ago and prepared himself dinner. When he's just about ready to get some work done, he gets an unexpected knock on the door. 

He’s certain all his mates have flown back home already… He reckons it might be  Samira and her kids. Although, he usually hears their shouting through the door by now. He opens it and….

“Paul…” 

“Er, hey…” Paul says, showing an apologetic smile. 

“Hey, er… what're ya still doin’ here?” 

“Can I come in?” 

“Oh, yeah. Definitely,” John says, stepping aside and letting Paul enter. 

Paul looks around. “So this is it. Yer place.”

“Ay.”

“It’s nice.” 

“Er thanks. Er… how did ya find me flat?” 

“George gave me the address.” 

John nods. “Forgot he had that.” George stopped by once after John got the flat. Ringo and Stuart did too before all going home. He invited them all when he got it. Paul, on the other hand, he hasn’t seen or spoken to since the night of their graduation.

There's a dining table in front of the entrance that they sit at, near one another, between the corner of the table.

He see’s Paul glancing around casually in a manner that’s curiously happy considering the tension during their last interaction. 

“We're goin’ campin’ y’know. All of us. Back home. It was Rings idea.” 

John nods. “Aye I heard ‘bout that.”

“I know yer not comin' and… I just wanted ta… stop by ‘fore I go off.”

John frowns, confused after their last conversation. What is Paul doing here?

“So… I guess ya really meant what ya said then. No chance I could… change yer mind?” 

John offers him a sympathetic look. “I… I’m really sorry Paul… but… now that we won’t be in uni together, I… I can’t,” he says hesitantly, feeling guilty for saying it. 

Paul nods. “Okay.” 

“Not that… not like I don't wanna see ya,” John shakes his head realizing how that sounds. “Not…” he sighs. “What I mean t’say is… it's just difficult… fer me ta be around you and…and not becos o’ anything else other than… y'know, gettin’ over you an’ all… it wasn't easy and er… I don't think I could do it again,” John says, sincere and raw.

Paul nods again. 

“I'm sorry,” John says. 

“No I… I understand John.”

John smiles. “And y’know, this doesn't mean I won't be there fer ya… if you'll need anythin' I mean… I still mean that. What I said before. That’ll always be true. Just… I can't…  see you… otherwise,” John concludes, mentally wincing at the words. 

Paul smiles, “okay,” he says, and a part of John is really relieved with how okay with this Paul is. Y’know, the part that's not eternally heartbroken that they're not together and never will be. 

“I should also tell you, then,” Paul starts. “About the last time we saw each other… I'm really sorry… fer everythin’. I just had ta get that off me chest an’... An’ make sure you were okay.” 

John nods. “I will be. Promise. An’ ya got nothin’ ta be sorry for.” 

Paul nods. “Good.” He breathes deep and sighs. “Okay,” he says. “I won't… bug you then.” Paul stands up and John follows. “So… goodbye, then…” Paul says, and the words strike another tear in John's heart. But he only nods. Paul approaches him for a hug goodbye, and when they part, they share a farewell of best wishes and “take of yourself” stuff. 

Paul opens the door and steps out. 

It’s just as painful as the last. It's just as unreal. He can’t help but feel that it wasn’t supposed to end like this. But what can he do that it is?

Before leaving, Paul turns back and speaks up once more. “Oh, an’ one more thing. Thought ya might like ta know, I broke up with Denny so… I'm single now…” he says to which John's mouth drops as he stills like a rock. Paul grins at him. “Aright, bye!” He announces peachily and shuts the door quickly, before John has a chance, before he even has a second to not only process, but comprehend what… what he just… what the fuck??? 

Hang on… 

Did everybody hear that?? 

John's staring still at the door that's just been shut. Moving would probably be useful right about now. Hell, thinking might be useful right about now. He feels like there's something valuable he can do here with this information, but he can't connect the pieces just yet. 

Pull it together, mate. You can do this . Okay yes. Let's back up here. Backtrack to: ‘I broke up with Denny,’ yes. He heard that correctly, right? Paul did in fact break up with Denny? 

Oh and there's more. Let's not forget, ‘ I’m single now.’ Oh, and, ‘thought ya might like ta know.’  

Is there something John should do with that information?? 

There is, isn't there…. 

Wait… 

Did Paul Just Say He Broke Up With Denny???

John runs to the door, then just as quickly, stops himself. Wait… but… but what about their talk? Did he and Paul not just agree-- literally just now-- that they were like, I dunno, not gonna see each other anymore??  

Like what the hell was that?? 

Oh and, one more bit he forgot, ‘aright bye!’

….

Whad’ya mean ‘bye!’?

….

Is this a joke?? 

He has to go after him…

Oh my God, he has to go after him! 

But wait. Should he?

What if he really meant ‘bye’? 

But he has to at least go find out, no? At least ask?  

But maybe Paul wants to be left alone…

Should he…. Should he… 

Holy shit John! Go after him!

He doesn't know how long it's been that he's been standing here like a moron, staring off into space and arguing with the senseless part of his brain, but he imagines it's been minutes and Paul's long gone by now, but he does. 

He runs after him and swings his door open.

“Pau--” he starts to shout. Only.

Wait…. 

He's ready to sprint off, chase Paul down the streets and the roads until he catches him, only… 

Paul's here… 

He's standing right here. Leaning against the wall beside his front door. And there's a knowing grin on his face. 

And John now see's that the bloke has luggage with him. 

John blinks at the luggage, then looks at Paul. 

“Wha-- what… wh--,” John mutters, and Paul's grin widens. Like way too hard for the conversation they just had. And there's something mischievous in that grin. 

Paul leans off of the wall he was relaxed against and approaches John, who's still just standing there and frowning in confusion, heart pounding out of his chest. Paul thinks he'll figure it out though. Especially when both his arms float up and wrap around John's neck. 

And especially especially when he leans in and presses his lips to John’s, sharing a kiss, which John finally returns, and refuses to take no as an answer this time. It has John’s head spinning and his body melting. Buzzing. Floating. 

Holy heavenly fuck!

John's hands unknowingly float to Paul's waist and hold him there as he kisses back and he doesn't even know what's happening. All he knows is he is in total zen right now . Woah! This is ecstatic. No, no! Heavenly! This is a miracle! This is a gift from God himself.

He's still confused and needs to ask questions, but before he does, he floats one hand up and cups Paul's cheek, stroking it to really savor it and this moment. Just incase its a simulation

And they kiss like that for a smooth, delicious moment longer, before John speaks. 

“Mm… Paul… mm what,” only they don't part. They keep kissing and John can barely get the words out. After some more time, John pulls away all the way, and asks, “what're ya doin'?” Genuinely concerned and confused, he doesn't want to lose himself here. 

Paul holds back a delighted grin. “Kissin’ me new boyfriend.” And John's heart skips a beat at the words. “What're you doin'?” Paul asks, teasing tone with a grin, almost even a chuckle, before he leans back in and kisses the man again. 

John lets him, of course he does, they kiss some more, but it's not long before he parts again, swings his door open and ushers Paul inside. 

“Okay-- you-- get in here!” John demands, making Paul almost break in laughter as he obeys. “What're you… ya can't just-- Are ya tryin' t’kill me?” John whines, although it only makes Paul laugh. Seeing that Paul left his suitcases outside, John reaches over and grabs them begrudgingly before bringing them in and shutting the door. 

Paul's already sitting at the same chair as before-- grinning again-- and waiting for him. He already knows John needs to talk about this and he's already ready for it. 

Contrary to Paul's calmness-- he's already made up his mind here-- John's pacing up and down his dining room, a little frantically. 

“Paul… what the hell!” John exclaims, although he's not angry. Just shocked. 

Paul shrugs. “Ringo said ya didn’t wanna be found.” It's true. He told Ringo to discourage Paul, and he did. 

John sits and nods his head as he recalls that, but is still heavily distracted by his thoughts. Well, more by his doubts, you could say. 

“Look, luv,” John starts, which Paul takes as a good sign and has to hold back a grin. John takes his hand. “I really really want this--” he starts. 

Paul smiles. “Good. Me too,” he says, urging John to just get to the good part already. 

John shakes his head, refusing to be rushed. “But you need to understand one thing here. I can't be heartbroken by ya again…” 

“I know, Johnny.”

“I mean it's one thing if it's in the future and things don't work out for one reason or another, I get that. But now… right now,” then he looks into Paul's eyes. “Please don't do anything that you're not… completely serious about.” 

Paul smiles at him. Oh if only John knew. Paul’s known for a while. He’s just been too stupid to realize it then. 

“I mean, if there's even a tiny part of you that's doubtful… I mean… ya hafta tell me,” John rants. “Becos I… I can't get over you again, Paul… I… I think I'll die!” John exclaims dramatically. 

Paul lets out a chuckle. “Can't have that can we?” 

“I'm serious, Paul. If I'm in… then I'm all in… it's… it's not even a question,” John says, suddenly calmer and more composed. 

Paul leans into him too, matching John's position from his previously relaxed state against the back of the chair. “Whad'ya think I’m doin’ here, luv? I mean… I broke up with Denny fer you. Fer us ,” Paul says, interlacing their fingers. 

John looks down at their interlaced hands. He thinks suddenly that his emotional outburst is not from worry at all, but rather from disbelief that this is actually real and actually happening. “When?”

“Graduation,” Paul says, making John’s eyes raise hopefully at the news.

“And… yer not… missin’ him?” John asks, more concerned than judgemental. It wouldn’t be wise for Paul to jump into anything while grieving another. 

Paul only shrugs at him. His face looks somewhat guilty, but completely sincere. “Should I be?” he asks, and that somehow answers everything John needs to know. “I’ve known for a while, John… I’m sorry I didn’t do it sooner.”

John shakes his head. “Don’t hafta be.”

“I do, actually. Might just be the daftest thing I ever done. Makin’ us wait so long… some things are meant ta be after all. Don’t ya think?” 

John thinks a tear might shed his eye because yes. Yes, he does think. At a loss for words, with nothing in his head other than yes, yes and again, yes, he nods his head, looking absolutely endeared at the man before him. 

Paul leans in closer. “Good,” he whispers and closes the gap between them. John cups his cheek again and as they kiss, Paul feels a sudden huffing against his lips. He opens his eyes and… John is crying. 

But this one's not from heartbreak. 

“I can't believe this,” John says behind tears, then looks up into Paul's eyes, revealing how wet and raw they are. “I've wanted this so bad… fer so long,” John says. “I love you so much.” And from that look, Paul feels like could join him. 

He takes John's hands and stands them up. “How ‘bout a tour then?” Paul asks. 

“A tour?” Now?  

It's a pretty small flat. You could pretty much see every door or opening from where they stood. 

“Mhm. Ideally one that ends in your bedroom,” Paul says suggestively, and an old sensation that John hasn't felt in a long time sparks straight to his groin. 

“Oh.” John says as Paul pulls him close. He lifts a hand and points behind Paul's direction. “That way,” he says, and Paul could care less about the tour. With John's hand in his, he leads them to the bedroom. 

“Oi! Why’d ya bring yer luggage here anyroad?”

“Can’t live in the dorms all summer, can I?” Paul asks casually, and John smiles realizing that Paul meant to stay with him all along. Even before getting back together, that bastard. If John wasn’t borderline losing it, he’d think it's cute how Paul just assumes he could stay here no matter what happened…

Oh, who is he kidding?

On the bed, Paul looks up to see John smiling at him. “How can ya know me that well?” John asks, taking a step closer. 

Paul matches John’s grin. “What can I say, Johnny? I know ya,” Paul says with a smirk, grabbing the collar of his shirt and pulling him down for a kiss. 

John’s veins pulse with excitement at everything that’s happening all at once. Gratitude aside, he can’t remember when he’s been so aroused before. He just feels… happy… Yeah, good, grateful, and happy. And turned on, holy fuck!

John makes out with him and with himself on top of Paul, his dick feels an arousal he hasn't satisfied in months! Suddenly, Paul's hand snakes down, and at the sudden contact to his dick, John jumps up to his feet with a groan, leaving Paul confused on the bed. 

“Woah, shit!” John moans. 

Frowning, Paul sits up. “John! Are you okay? What happened?” 

John laughs at himself. Okay here we go . This'll be fun . “No nothing, nothing, just… how do I explain this?” He joins Paul on the bed. “I've sorta become… like… kinda abstinent ,” John says, making Paul raise his brows in disbelief. 

“Oh,” Paul says, surprised. 

“Yeah.” 

“Wait a minute…” Paul says. “Is that why--” 

“Yeah,” John answers, beating him to the Bridgette story, or the May Pang story, or whatever other weird sexual story he knows that doesn't make sense. Yup. All why. 

“ Ohh!” Paul says, this time in understanding. 

“Yeah.” 

“So wait, you haven't…” 

“Nope.” 

“Not even…” Paul raises a hand to gesture his question. 

“Nope.” 

At that Paul's jaw drops. His eyes glide down to John's junk. His dick is poking out stiff as a rock. He can only imagine how hard it is. 

“Wow!” 

“Yeah.”

“Fer how long?” Paul asks. There's no way John's gone so long without… releasing himself. 

“Well… I mean, I decided to start that like… two? Years ago,” John says while thinking. “But I mean, I haven't lasted that long or anything. I mean, I do it once in a while if I'm like… really needin’ it, y’know?” 

“So how long do you last?” 

John shrugs. “As long as I can, really. But I need ta do it less an’ less as time goes on. Get kinda used ta it, I guess,” John says. 

Paul raises a brow at him. “Like how long has it been since the last time, fer instance?” 

“Er… a couple months,” John says. And out of any amount of time Paul was expecting, he wasn't expecting that much. 

His mouth drops open and his eyes are wide. 

“ Months?” Paul asks. 

“Yup.” 

“Wow!” 

“Yeah.” 

“Yer dick must be burning!”  

“Oh it is… especially right now,” John says. 

Paul grins sneakily at that and inches closer to him. He snakes an arm around his waist so that it's just inches above the man's dick and begins making out with him again. John kisses back, lifting a hand to stroke his cheek again until Paul pulls away. 

“And you want to stay… abstinent?” Paul asks. 

“Nope! No I do not. Definitely not,” John says. 

Paul smiles at that. “So… what's the problem?” 

“It's just that… my dick kinda feels like it's goin' through some sensory shock… just kinda need ta… prepare fer that.”

Paul nods. Then he thinks, “what's the point of abstinence if yer gonna… y’know, do it with someone anyway?” Paul asks with nothing but curiosity in his voice. 

“That is the point. I mean that, doin’ it with someone, doin' it for the purpose of connecting with them is the reason ta do it, y’know.” Paul hums in understanding. “Plus, everyone has their different reasons. I did it becos I wanted ta cut all me addictions, and I was a raging nympho!” John says. 

Paul laughs. “Aye. I remember that.” 

Then John looks at him self consciously. “That's not… weird fer you is it?” 

“What? No, John! Course not. I'm just stunned is all… Actually, s’kinda hot,” Paul says, making John smile.  

“Ya think?” John asks, clearly flattered. “Even if I… might not wanna do it as much?” 

“Oh definitely. I can work with that,” Paul decides. 

“Oh, don't worry.” John adds in sudden realization. “I'll make sure you're… you can…” John says, trying to explain what he means. How do you tell someone that you'll happily spend hours sucking their dick? “Just becose I wanna wait doesn't mean you hafta wait, if ya… know what I mean…” John says with a suggestive tone, making Paul smile.

“That so?” 

“Oh yes. I'll make sure yer taken care of,” John says, making Paul find him irresistible and grin before kissing him. “S’me job now,” John adds. 

“Yer job?” Paul asks, laughing. 

“Course,” John says with a shrug and he is completely serious…

Wow! Holy shit his dick got so hard, what the fuck!

Paul's completely taken aback. This is so not the John he once knew…. 

Not that he minds. 

On the contrary, he doesn't know if he could've lucked out any more than this! 

So this is how grown-up John is as a boyfriend… 

“Wanna get started on tha’?” Paul asks, getting carried away. John bites his lip, because yeah. Yeah he fucking does wanna get started on that!.. Probably even more than Paul does. But looking at Paul makes him feel like he’s looking at an angel. A perfect angel that happens to be sitting in front of him, and he feels overwhelmed again. 

“Actually I think I need ta cry again. And maybe a few more times. Then I'll be good,” John says, partially talking to himself. Paul chuckles and pats his back. 

“Whatever you need, baby,” Paul says, warming John's belly. 

John locks eyes with him. “I missed you so much,” he says with a lovestruck smile. Paul's about to say it back when he sees John start to lose it again. 

“John! Ya don't hafta cry, luv.”

“I know I know. I'm okay… I'm good,” John says. 

“Hey,” Paul says, grabbing his attention. “I love you,” he adds, purely sincere.  

“Fuck!” John weeps and covers his eyes.

And that's pretty much how their first night as a renewed couple goes…

But before long, John collects himself and fulfills the promise he made to Paul. They snog again and John toys with Paul's dick, and it shocks him. The feeling of having John touch him there again. 

Familiar as always. Still the more exhilarating, and… unbelievably more skilled than before. Which… how can a celibate bloke be that good at it???

Paul's hands are clutching the collar of John's shirt and John's hovered over him, remaining close, due to his own and Paul's efforts. And still, as Paul climaxes, John cusses and moans as if he's the one getting some rather than Paul. 

“Fuck Paul! Yer so fucken hot, holy shit! Fuck! Look at you! I been dyin’ ta see ya like this again! Fuck!” 

And Paul's left to do nothing but moan through it all as his dick spits its load. 

That hasn't changed…. 

He hasn't heard John cuss much lately; not like he used to as a teen. Hearing it in this context is exhilarating. 

“Holy shit,” Paul moans when he finishes, and pulls John in for a needy kiss-- another thing that hasn't changed that John’s particularly happy about. 

John releases his dick and pulls him closer by the waist and kisses him so deeply and so hard. “Mhm,” he agrees against Paul's lips. 

“Wow. That was… that was…” Paul mutters between kisses. “Wow…”

“Mhm,” John hums again. 

“I missed you!” Missed this, he mostly means. 

“Mhm,” John repeats again. He can't say much else and he's way too busy actually kissing the lad. 

Paul notices John's dick is stiff as a rock again. Typical. 

“Hey er…” Paul starts, making John meet his eyes. “Are ya sure ya don't want er…” He points down at the man's hard dick. 

John looks down. “No. Can't. I'll lose it,” he says, and kisses Paul again. 

Paul pulls off and grins. “Kinda wanna see tha’ though,” he says, teasing. John only shakes his head. Man, this bloke’s got self control!! Wtf! “Please,” Paul adds, this time sneaking a hand down there, just to see John's reaction, but John's quick to snatch it and holds it away. Paul laughs. Okay, as much as he wants to touch John, this is also kinda fun. 

“How are ya doin' that?!” Paul exclaims. “I mean ya must be horny an’ stuff.”

John nods his head, rocking against Paul and looks completely discoherent. “I am.” 

“Then why are ya torturing yerself! John, yer allowed ta cum,” Paul says. 

John shakes his head. “Paul if I do that now I'll just start crying again!” 

Paul laughs, then says, ”so! I don't care if ya cry.” 

“Also, I'll last an embarrassingly small amount of time.” 

“Good,” Paul says, teasing him again, and making himself particularly harder to resist to John. 

It's not that he doesn't want to have sex or anything. It's just that with all he's been through, including abstinence, sex has become a sort of emotional experience for John, and he's so maxed out on emotions right now! He doesn't think he can handle any more! 

As he thinks it in his head, he explains it to Paul. 

“Don't worry, baby,” Paul responds. “I won't push you. Not really. I'm just teasing.” 

“Just don't want ya ta think I'm a freak,” John says, making Paul laugh again. 

“Hmm… I already think that,” Paul says, laughing, and John rolls his eyes at him. “Okay but can we do one thing? Just ta try it, an’ if you'll wanna stop we will,” Paul says, thinking of something. Something he knows John used to love. It always got him to lose composer. 

John nods and Paul opens his arms to usher John to lay against him, which John does happily. Paul starts snogging him again and this time, wraps his legs fully around John's hips, and begins rocking up against the man's groin. 

It's even better than he expected. John all but falls slack instantly against the feeling, letting his body be pressed flush against Paul's as they rock against each other and he moans. 

“ Fuck,” John whispers, landing against Paul's ears. 

“That's it baby,” Paul urges. “Knew you'd like tha’,” he says, voice teasing and sly, and the arousal from every angle makes John's head dizzy and he feels like he's already lost it. In fact, he thinks if he won't stop, he'll just completely release in seconds! 

He didn't even think that was possible! 

Beneath him, Paul can not only feel the stiff press of his dick, but the way it pulsates against his thigh from his nearing orgasm, how strong it is. Paul doesn't need to be told that John's on the verge of losing it. John is trembling above him. 

“C'mon baby. Let go. S’only me,” Paul coaxes. 

“F-fuck,” John moans, completely faltered above him. He meets Paul's eyes as he's about to release, and Paul kisses him and suddenly he groans and his hips start thrusting sporadically. 

He's fully clothed, and it took him like 5 seconds…. 

“Wow. Holy fuck. Wow. Fuck!” John moans into Paul's chest. Then kisses his neck, cheek, and lips. 

Paul smiles. “That wasn't so bad now was it?” 

John sounds out of breath, but looks pretty much like he's just released a huge load. 

“Nuh-uh. No. That was great,” he says. And kisses Paul again. He still can't believe that just happened. That took like nothing at all! That's Paul, he guesses. “How'd you know ta do that?” John asks. 

“I know you, John,” Paul says in an obvious tone. And John's all but ready to tear up again at that. “Yer comin' camping with us,” Paul suddenly brings up, and John only nods. 

That night when they're off to bed, John wraps his arms around his boyfriend and holds him tightly all night long. The occasional moments where he wakes up, he kisses the man's naked back, shoulders, neck, head, anything he can, and doses back off. The morning is spent sweet and unrushed, and they hold each other and kiss sappily. John makes them breakfast and they eat together along with everything else they do. He couldn't be happier. 

~

They each pack about a duffle bag's worth, plus a tent, and take the bus most of the way, which they learn isn’t that bad when they’re on it together. Like… as an actual couple… With a little walking distance after, and they start to see the rest of the group. 

At the campsite, everyone looks their way. They frown, bewildered at the sight of John. But John's only staring at Paul, and the couple barely register everyone else at all. 

“Oi!” Stuart calls. “You came?” 

John's eyes beam up at him. “ You came?” Stuarts the one of them who’s not from Liverpool. He reckons Ringo must’ve talked him into coming. “It's so good ta see ya!” John tells him, before mindlessly walking past him, failing a proper greeting with Stu or anyone else. 

The rest of the group stares at them in confusion, wondering why John's unexpectedly here and why he and Paul arrived together, but the couple don't register it and walk past them to start setting up their tent, leaving everyone to share looks of wonder with each other instead. 

“Did you know he was comin’?” George asks Ringo, both watching the couple with deep, confused frowns. 

Ringo only shakes his head ‘no’. Last he’s heard, the two were both heartbroken over each other. 

“Is it just me,” Stuart starts. “Or do they look…”

“Happy,” Ringo says. Why on earth could these two possibly be so happy. 

A few minutes later, their small tent is made and they get in. 

John gets comfortable and Paul giggles in glee and anticipation before jumping on his boyfriend and starting to make out with him. 

“Hmm… I missed this,” John says, making Paul giggle again. So caught up in each other, they completely forget there's a whole group of people and a world outside of this tent, and they linger here for up to an hour. Maybe more? Possibly. 

They vaguely hear what's going on outside the tent and can hear the tossing of log wood, presumably into the little fire pit they made. 

Miraculously, all their mates fathom the sense to leave them alone in here despite their confusion. 

“D’ya think s’time fer s'mores?” Paul asks excitedly. 

“I think it's gonna be,” John says, and they finally reappear with everyone else. 

“Decided to join us?” George asks. 

“We suspected some marshmallows required our attention,” John says, and the two join the rest in a circle around the fire and grab their sticks and goodies. 

Stick in hand, John's free arm is already around Paul's shoulder, and Paul reciprocates by hugging John's waist from where they're standing, unable to be apart from him for even a second. His heart feels pumped with love and joy. 

They lock eyes and share an awestruck smile. They don't notice how observed they are by the pack, who are still frowning at each other, seeking confirmation. The couple doesn’t acknowledge however. Only when John lean’s in does Paul accept his kiss, and jaws initially dropping, all suspicions unanimously vanish and replace with understanding. They can’t believe it… They actually got back together. 

John and Paul look at each other and grin in a way that shows a renewed innocence and faith in the world. The group shares laughs and grins as they watch the two in love, feeling as though they are just as much a part of this moment as they are. 

Okay so everyone pretty much gets the idea here, but…. Seriously? No announcement or anything?

At everyone's invading looks, the two finally acknowledge them and feel suddenly self conscious for the PDA. 

Oh .

“What?” John asks, playing dumb. Paul holds back a laugh and giggles at John. 

“Well?” George starts, though he's got a jubilant grin on his face, not hiding his excitement for the two. Finally, he thinks.

John can't hold back his own laugh this time, and he and Paul share a look, both grinning widely. 

“Well?” John repeats, making Paul giggle. 

“Somethin’ ya wanna tell us?” George asks. 

John frowns and looks at Paul, feigning confusion, already eliciting laughter from Paul. “Was there something we had ta tell them?” John asks, almost thinking to himself. “What was it?” And all the same, increasing Paul’s laughter. Instead of answering the question however, John just gets drawn to the sight of Paul laughing, mesmerized by him, and smiles. 

“John be serious!” Paul says, though still recovering from laughter. “We gotta tell ‘em ‘bout the cult sacrifices,” Paul says, repeating one of John’s own jokes from long ago, and breaking out into laughter again. 

“Oh right right. We gotta tell ‘em ‘bout that,” John plays along. “‘Specially considerin’ they’re the sacrifices,” he adds, getting an eye roll from all but Paul, who’s still laughing. 

“C’mon! Spill!” George says, eager and impatient. 

“Aright, aright. Paul an’ I… are back together,” John says. 

“Aye, no shit!” Geo adds, along with everyone else, voices breaking in to protest on what they already gathered. “What happened?” George specifies. 

At the question, John and Paul share a look, smiling at what only they understand for now. Oh how foolish Paul feels for what it took. 

“Got me priorities straight,” he says, and John smiles. At everyone's pressing pleas, they finally tell them the whole story with all the details. How Paul knew the second John said goodbye what he was gonna do. Sooner, in fact. How immediately he broke up with Denny. How he never left Elgin. How John received a knock on his door that would end up being the best series of events of his life-- and how Paul tricked him, thank you very much-- And how it was the easiest ‘yes’ he ever made in his life, and here they are, only a few days later. 

“Congrats laddies,” Ivan says. 

“Aye, mate. You've been wantin’ this for like ever. You deserve it,” Stuart says, patting John's back, which John appreciates hearing. 

“I knew it,” George suddenly announces. 

Paul frowns at him. “You didn't know it!” 

“I had a feeling,” George says. Paul raises a brow at him. “Aright fine. I didn't completely know…. But I was rooting fer you guys!” 

Paul and John nod at that. 

“It's true, he was,” John says. 

“Aye, he was the only one!” Paul adds in a manner that's accusatory to everyone else. 

“See,” George says. “I wanted this fer ya!”

“Oh, by the way,” Paul starts. “Everyone who tried ta stop me,” and gives Ringo a look. “Ya can't get in the way of true love, and yer dead ta me.” 

Ringo drops his mouth at that. 

“Aye. Me too,” John says. 

Paul points a finger straight at Ringo. “He tried ta talk me out of seein’ you!” Paul says to John, like a child telling on someone. John plays along, patting his back and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

Ringo's eyes widen “You told me to do that!” He says to John this time. 

It's true. John had told him that at the time, when he thought he and Paul couldn’t see each other anymore. But that's only because he didn't think they would've gotten back together.

John thinks about it. “That's true. But that was stupid o’ me an’ I was dead wrong,” John admits, because not even his ego can get in the way of him being with Paul.

“I think the point of all this,” George starts, “is that I'm always right, and everyone should listen to me and make decisions based on what I say.” 

“That will never happen,” John says, not waiting to respond. Paul laughs again. 

“Yer loss,” George says. 

John and Paul lock eyes, and suddenly it feels as though everyone else is gone. They smile at each other, marveling together at their luck, and share a sweet kiss. 

“Are ya lot gonna be all sappy and kissing the entire time?” Stuart asks with a look of distaste. 

“Hate ta break it t’ya, mate, but s’gonna be a lot worse than just kissin’,” John says, making everyone groan in disgust. Paul only laughs more though. “What? We got a lot o’ catchin’ up ta do!” John adds. 

They spend three days at the camp. And it’s perfect, but John thinks that’s just because Paul’s there and they're, y’know… together . 

It still hits him by surprise. Around the campfire, Paul sits before him, cuddled up one behind the other. Walking the trails, they hold hands and giggle the whole time. In the tents, they smooch, and cuddle, and John covers Paul’s mouth when he jerks him off. And it's all perfect. 

When they finally return, John, who miraculously had wonderful composure and self control during the camp, drops his things carelessly on the floor and reaches for Paul to kiss him. 

But it's different from the ways they've been kissing. Not as romantic. Much more hot. Needy even. And Paul moans, because he knows exactly what kind of kiss it is. 

Paul disregards his own things and lets John kiss him hard before he's dragged into the bedroom. 

Those were the days John needed to wait. Now, it's time… 

Paul feels a giddy rush of excitement and arousal swell inside him. It’s time… it’s finally time. He never thought he would admit about John that he has some serious self control, and that perhaps, he wanted to wait or he would’ve lost his mind all too soon. But now, the waiting is over. The anticipation is high. The closeness is unmatched. And they’re finally gonna get what they desperately need. 

In the bedroom, they fall on the bed and John climbs on top of him as they make out and start to undress. Already, like last time, Paul feels John's already hard dick pressing against him. 

Paul pulls off of John to say something. “John, wait,” he says, and he can’t believe he’s saying it; mentally beating himself for not just keeping his mouth shut. 

“What is it?” 

“S’just that, I haven't bottomed in a while…” 

“Oh right. Since like… Christmas, right?” 

“Not exactly…” Paul says, making John frown. “I didn't bottom with Denny.” 

John's eyes widen at that. “Oh.” Paul never preferred topping when they were teens. He all but begged John to be the one fucking him all the time. 

“Yeah. So, I'm a little rusty and just… need ta go slow,” Paul says. 

John leans back. “Oh, absolutely!” John strokes Paul’s cheek from where the younger man is lying. “I'm not gonna hurt you, baby,” he says tenderly, making Paul smile. “I mean… did ya wanna top?” 

“No!” Paul blurts, making John break down in laughter. “I need this,” Paul adds, and John nods. He suspected so anyway. “So bad.”

“Okay well, we'll just take it slow,” John says, and as he remains sitting up and not rejoining Paul down here, Paul thinks he means they should wait…. Like longer. 

Paul sits up to be closer to John. “Not… too slow though, yeah. Still want this, John.” 

“I don't wanna hurt you!” John says, and his concern is somehow humorous to Paul, if not sinful because his timing is awful. Now’s not the time for sentiments. 

“Yer not gonna hurt me! Ya done all this before, John! Or did you forget?” Paul asks, raising an eyebrow at him. 

John chuckles. “I did not forget! I'm just saying, we could start with… other… stuff…” 

“Like what kinda other stuff?” Paul asks. 

“Hm,” John hums pretending to think, before sticking a finger in his mouth and licking it, hinting, as if he were getting ready to finger the lad. 

At that, Paul's face drops at his sudden interest and anticipation and he nods his head eagerly. 

John grins pridefully at that and positions himself down between Paul's legs and takes the man's pants and boxers off. 

John licks his thumb to wet it and starts massaging Paul's hole, doing so in a way to prepare him slowly for more intrusion. 

Paul hums at the feeling of that spot being massaged like that. He missed stimulation down there if he's being honest. He didn't have that much with Denny, plus the long distance thing, so he feels especially sensitive to it now. 

John thinks to start inserting his finger, but who is he kidding. He's dying to just eat Paul out for a little first and starts licking his hole instead. 

“Hm, fuck!” Paul moans at that, and John hears him continue as he works. “Mm, Johnny, fuck,” he moans again, this time, tangling a hand into John's hair. He definitely hasn’t had that in a while. 

He plays and tugs at John's locks to show his appreciation and portray his pleasure. It's been so long since he's had this, and it feels so good! John just knows all the ways to make him feel good. Always has. Still does, and “fuck!”

Not to mention he's way better at it now! He's less clumsy, more skilled, more observant even! He always had good sex with John, but now, the man is just remarkable! 

And they haven't even done much yet. Paul wonders suddenly of how impressive his stamina will be while they fuck now that John is so fit and strong… 

Suddenly, he has an urge even stronger now to find out. 

“John,” he says, and John looks up at him from where his face is buried. Paul moans at him looking up like that. “Fuck!” He whines. Finally John pulls off to listen. “Move on, yeah. Do other stuff,” Paul says, voice broken and needy. 

“Sure? Cos I could spend plenty of time right here doin’ this,” John says, as if he’s the one desperate for it rather than Paul, making the younger lad thrust his hips and curse. 

“Fuck! Sure. Now.”

John chuckles at him. “Thought ya liked that.” It's not much of a mystery. Paul wasn't holding back his moans. 

“I do but… just get on with it yeah,” Paul says. 

“What happened ta goin’ slow?” John asks, just to tease him. 

Paul tuts. “John!” He yells in frustration.

John laughs again, but this time licks his finger to rewet it, and starts applying light pressure. Slowly, he slides it in until it's to the brim and snug in there, and marvels at Paul's moan in response. 

“Tighten around me,” John instructs, and Paul does so, squeezing his muscles around John's finger. “More…. More,” John instructs again, and Paul tries to squeeze his muscles as hard as he can. “Okay relax,” John says, and when he does, he's able to move his finger freely in Paul's suddenly looser hole. 

John repeats with two fingers and has Paul do the same thing. After he does so, Paul's hole becomes looser and less tight, allowing more leverage and comfort for John's fingers. 

When John senses he's comfortable and loose, he starts sliding his fingers in and out, slowly at first to get Paul adjusted to it. 

“Wh-where did ya learn that?” Paul asks, suddenly curious. He doesn't remember John doing anything like that with him before. 

“Don't question me expert skills, aright?” John asks. He came prepared, let's say that much. 

“Okay,” Paul says, because this feels too good even for him to argue right now. 

With a satisfied grin, John continues and uses his fingers to speed up, and massage Paul with different angles and curves. 

Paul moans more as he does so, but he knows there's a sweet spot in there somewhere. He can admit with pride that, after all this time; not only without Paul, but abstinent all together; it doesn't take him long to find it. 

He presses deep against it and Paul jerks and breaks out in a moan, louder than all the others. 

Nice. 

John goes on and keeps pressing there and Paul starts moaning and writhing beneath him like a mad man. 

“Hm, I fucken missed that ,” John encourages, once again as if he’s the one at the receiving end of it rather than Paul. Paul moans, knowing John’s eyes are glued to him (he was always into watching), and feels riled up by that. 

After a few minutes, John adds a third finger and stretches Paul again. 

Impatiently, Paul urges John to continue. “I'm ready John. Fuck me, now,” he demands. 

“Paul…” 

“I'm ready, I swear. If it hurts, I'll stop you,” Paul pleads. John agrees and Paul reaches over from one of his suitcases and grabs some lube he brought with him. 

John laughs to himself when he realizes how ready for all this Paul was when he came. Not just this. He brought two large suitcases full of stuff, and other essentials in preparation to live here with John… 

How did he know it would go down like this? 

Well, who is he kidding? John's not fooling anyone here. 

It's just something funny to think of all the ways Paul was getting ready to settle in, all before John even knew it was happening… he must've been certain. But for that, John is nothing other than grateful and proud.  

John takes the lube and covers his dick. He prepares himself and slowly pushes at Paul's entrance. The stretch is much more than what his fingers did, so he moves slowly. He can tell it's less comfortable for Paul, but still, the younger seems determined to continue anyway. 

When John's fully in, he sees Paul's face distort in discomfort. 

“You okay?” He asks. Paul's biting his lip and only nods. “Okay, squeeze around me,” John repeats, knowing it will ease the stretch, and when he does, John's head drops and he cusses at the tightness around his dick. He somehow forgot that he's on the receiving end of that, being so focused on Paul and what he’s feeling. “Okay, that’s good,” he stammers brokenly, and Paul releases his muscles and feels much looser for John. 

Paul feels his heart racing in his chest. He can’t believe they’re about to do it, both expectation and anticipation pumping through him as he waits for something old yet new. 

“Good?” John asks, making sure he’s ready, and Paul nods his head quickly and frantically. Please no more waiting, God Almighty. 

Slowly, John pull’s out, and Paul doesn’t expect the array of cusses and writhing that comes out of John as he slides back in. He must’ve really forgot that it’s not only Paul being fucked, but that he’s the one doing the fucking. 

John looks like he’s gonna black out above him, but that he’s trying desperately to stay focused. Poor lad. Who knows when the last time he’s fucked someone was? His dick must be pulsing with overstimulation. 

Paul kisses him. “Aright, Johnny?” 

John doesn’t answer, only nods his head, eyes squeezed shut, in a manner that makes Paul doubt the truth in that.

“I’ll be good,” John chokes and he looks like he’s really, really concentrating. Paul strokes his arm, letting him take what time he needs, and after a moment, John releases a breath and starts moving again, this time with gradual increase. Now he doesn’t look so faltered anymore. On the contrary, he looks like some kind of robot-- try fuck-machine-- as he works, still focused, but in a very different way. And Paul’s stomach twists at the sudden seriousness in John’s demeanor. 

Now he’s fully composed and he eyes Paul, watching him carefully to make sure he doesn’t miss a thing, and suddenly, some sex God John has awoken and he is in complete control of himself. No longer run by his dick, he fucks Paul with precision like he’s ‘reporting for duty’ and not fucking the love of his life. 

Paul moans at the feeling. He moans at how in charge John looks. And he moans at the way he watches him hard. He knew it would’ve been good, but nothing could’ve prepared him for this. So he wraps his arms around John’s back, keeping him close, and nods at the man above him with his faltering face. 

John gets the cue that he hardly needed; he’s watching Paul so intensely, he wouldn’t miss a thing; and speeds up. As Paul predicted, his stamina is exceptional. And toying around with positions and angles, maintaining his pace, hardly breaking a sweat as if he’s taking a walk rather than fucking a bloke, he presses hard on Paul’s prostate and sends a shock through Paul’s body, inside while simultaneously trembling on the out, while he’s hit with a sensation he’s been deprived but so desperately needs, and it hits him harder than it ever has in his life. The way that missing something that’s returned is so much better than never having had it in the first place. And it’s cruel, being even a second without this, now that he knows what it feels like, because John is on top of him, and he doesn’t know what must be going through the man’s brain; mentally or emotionally; but he knows that he’s here with him now, because John looks like every hit to Paul’s prostate eliciting a moan is a tug at John’s own pleasure source. But it’s not coming from the same place Paul’s is. Not from his dick, but rather from a need greater than pleasure, closer to something akin to pleasing the man that’s before him, enveloping his very manhood, and crying out his name. The man who is his again. His Paul.

And no matter how ‘healed’ he is, even the deepest, most sexually Fruedian part of his animal instinct knows that he’s nothing if not with Paul McCartney and nothing if not that Paul McCartney is his. As if he has not been abstinent for the very reason that Paul McCartney would one day be the one in his bed again. 

So John’s gaze is steady as he fucks him with persistence and wonders that Paul must not know that he’s as every bit high as the younger himself is right now. 

“John… holy shit-- John!” Paul moans, desperate for his attention, and John lowers his upper half, hands shifting from beside Paul’s head to underneath it as a type of pillow where John is even closer, even more against him, and his hold on him is even tighter. Paul’s face twists on a type of pleasure that’s akin to tearing up, overwhelmed and wrecked and not knowing what to do with itself other than wail. 

“Holy shit, John!” Paul calls out, but this one’s a warning, and backed by Paul’s glance down to their crotches where he receives confirmation at the jump of his dick that's leaking precome like a river, that he’s about to come, untouched. 

John catches it all, looks down too, and then back up at the faltered way Paul’s face contorts in disbelief and suspense. John kisses him, wanting them to feel close to each other as he welcomes the man’s orgasm. 

“Don't hold off,” Paul says. “Don’t you dare,” and it's an order, not a request, so John’s dick stirs at the command as if ruled by Paul’s voice, and as if he’s not on the urge of faltering as is, he concentrates, on Paul’s orgasm first, but also on fulfilling Paul’s request, and time his appropriately alongside. 

He nods at Paul, speechless, and the action alone somehow has a reaffirming effect as it makes his own orgasm feel like it’s rolling in like a boulder going down a steep hill. His firm, overpowering gaze is back and Paul can see he’s watching and waiting with great precision and caution. Allowing himself to let go, Paul announces his release, yelping, moaning, tossing and squirming, and John watches until the very last second he’s able, before he fulfills Paul’s wish and releases himself with him, fucking and trudging with all the might in the world as they wail together and tremble. 

Out of breath and buzzing, John falters on top of Paul, both breathing hard and skins hot and slick with heat and sweat, chests slightly red, that when they lay together, they look as though they mesh perfectly as one. 

“Holy… that… John ,” Paul manages, out of breath and not even knowing how to express it. It wasn’t just the sex. It was the John. John hums in acknowledgement, lifts his head to meet Paul’s wonderfully lulled out eyes. He makes sure his dick is out before leaning in and kissing Paul tenderly. 

Paul tucks his chin so his forehead lines up with John’s lips, and the spot tingles when John plants a kiss there. Then John lays back down and they shift so they’re both on their sides, facing one another like a mirror. 

“What was that?” Paul whispers. 

“Magic,” is all John says, because nothing humanely could explain such a thing, and he thinks him waiting for a connection to finally ‘make love’ again was totally worth it. For Paul, that is. Waiting for Paul was totally worth it. 

Paul smiles and inches closer so that his head tucks safely into John’s chin, which John welcomes and encourages by pulling him in close. They stay like that for a while and breathe softly in silence. Though John is not able to withhold the occasional brush to Paul’s hair, or kiss to Paul’s head or face, or stroke to Paul’s back. And every time Paul sighs and melts at it, John wants to do it all over again. 

At Samira's door, he only sent her a text stating that he's got a surprise as preparation for when she greets his arrival. 

She opens the door to be met by the sight of John grinning at her, knowingly and proud, his arm around who she remembers to be Paul, who is also smiling delightedly. 

She matches John's expression and folds her arms.  

“My my… what do we have here?” 

John wants to answer something sly, but instead, all he can do is break out a chuckle from gratitude. He still can't believe this is really true. 

Inside, they share the big news with everyone, and spend some time. John is nothing short of loving and affectionate towards Paul all the while. Even so much so that the kids get jealous of his attention. 

“Wow,” Samira says suddenly, watching them after spending some time together. She gets their attention. “You two are really good together,” she says, and John's heart swells in hope and pride because he knows anything that comes out of that woman's mouth is meant to be taken seriously. 

She notices how much love is there and how touching John is to his new boyfriend. She's never quite seen John like that before. Loving? Yes. Always. But all that love and nowhere to put it. John really shines when he's got love to give. Especially with this fellow, she notes. 

The couple smile at each other. 

“I mean it… you two look so well off as a couple,” she says. “Much more fitting than when you were friends,” she adds. And suddenly, Paul doesn't feel so exposed with John's affections being so open anymore. 

They share a smile again, and at John's initiation, share a kiss. 

These two are in love all right. And she's happy to see them happy. It's touching in fact. 

The girls are yanking at John’s arm and whining at him. John glances down, but not even all the puppy eyes in the world could pull him away from Paul. Only Paul’s puppy eyes have that kind of power over him.  

On their way out, John vividly remembers the last time they left Samira’s together. It was one of their best nights, best week even; the time they spent going into town; until it came crashing down and reality hit. He remembers thinking somberly that Paul wasn’t his when they saw Denny, and he hated that feeling. On one hand, he had never felt closer to Paul, even when they were together as teens. Yet all he could do was accept their situation. How foolish they were.

John reminds Paul of that night. “I thought about it, y’know. That night. ‘Specially when ya brought up switchin’ dorms. I know ya meant it as a joke but--” 

“I didn’t,” Paul says. 

John nods. “I had a feelin’. And I was right there with ya. An’ when Denny came, I felt like it was all wrong, and I wanted ta say somethin’.”

“Why didn’t you?” 

John shrugs. But he does know why. “I just thought of ya an’... what ya might’a been goin’ through, y’know. And considerin’ that you were still with him…”

“Geo was right,” Paul says. He told me I was only with Denny out of guilt and he was right,” Paul says, trying to imply that John was right too, and he was wrong. 

“I knew ya felt guilty. That’s why I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t knowin’ what it’d be putin’ ya through.”

Paul chuckles at that, feeling both more in love with John and more unhappy with himself. “As if it’be you puttin’ me through anythin’. I’m the one ta blame fer that an’ we both know it.”

“Blame?” John asks. Paul only looks at him. He nods. “Fer what?”

Paul turns to him. “Fer everythin’! All o’ this. Look what I put us through.”

John takes his hands lovingly. “You mean us bein’ together right now?” Paul rolls his eyes at that. “Think I’ll manage.”

“Ya know what I mean,” Paul says. 

“What I know, Macca, is that whatever happened brought us together. An’ I don’t care how we got there. I’m just grateful. And that’s all that matters,” John says, raising a hand to stroke Paul’s cheek, who looks into his eyes. 

“Took long enough,” Paul says hushedly.

“Good thing we can make up fer it then,” John says, and finally, Paul smiles, raises his head, and kisses him.  

“Twenty-two’s a big age ta turn, Macca,” John says when they’re back at John’s flat. Paul smiles. His birthday is in less than a month. How lucky that it falls so soon after getting together. He can’t wait to spend it with him. “Bout time ta start thinkin’ about settlin’ down, don’t ya think?” John asks nonchalantly. 

Settle down?

Paul blushes and struggles to contain a bashful smile. “What’re ya implyin’?” he asks, sounding as bashful as he looks. Is John saying what he thinks he’s saying?

“Nothin’,” John answers casually as he turns to roam through their fridge, fixing up dinner. But in the manner John says it, Paul thinks he’s completely right. 

Well!

They’ve already been back together for like…. A week. How much more time do they need to wait?

Paul’s heart swells as he watches John with awe, who in turn has his back turned, facing the counters as he cooks for them. Which Paul reckons he’s timed on purpose with the topic of this conversation to not face him. He’s never thought about “settling down” before. It didn’t even cross his mind. Not to mention the time being a little soon, with him not having graduated yet and all. 

But John… John’s one of a kind. He doesn’t think he could’ve lucked out any better than being with a man like John. With John, that is. 

And, well… if John really did propose to him, however soon it may be, he’d be a fool to say ‘no’. 

The first term back has finally started, for Paul that is, and off he goes when he's not here. Let’s just say it didn't take them long to decide that Paul would be staying at John's place instead of in a dorm. Especially that John's flat is pretty near campus, which he did purposely, as it's not far from Samira's house too. 

When Paul's in classes, or studying, John uses the time as an opportunity to meditate, workout, and focus on work so that when Paul gets home, they'll have each other all to themselves. 

Sometimes they all meet up for lunch. Sometimes it's just them two. And at home, things couldn't be smoother. They spend much time with Samira and her family too. 

Samira's belly is showing evidently now. She's got just a couple months to go. John explores the idea of kidnapping Jonan and raising him as their own and swings it by Paul, who giggles and plays along. 

They’re sitting on Samira’s couch when she walks with an arch, holding her belly. 

John glances at her. “Christ Samira. Take a nap, have a bath. We’ll watch the kids,” he offers.

“Aye, s’no problem, really,” Paul agrees beside John with the kids all huddled around with cartoons on the TV ahead. Watching them now is particularly effortless because they’re somehow good when the telly’s on. 

Samira sighs with her eyes closed. Somehow, despite what she’s doing or how much rest she gets, she always looks tired. Being nearly 8 months pregnant will do that to someone. Especially with Baron at work during the day. John and Paul try to come over often to help as much as they can. 

She nods.”That does sound rather nice.”

“Take yer time, we’ll handle dinner,” John says, to which Samira approaches him and strokes his cheek warmly. 

“Sweet men,” she says, and turns towards the bathroom. She stops in her tracks and turns once more. “And maybe a cup of tea?” 

John nods. “On it.”

And she’s already walking off. “Herbal please,” she calls out. 

“Knew that!” John says. He heats the kettle and gives her raspberry leaf tea, which is apparently known to be good during pregnancy. “Hana, I need yer help,” he calls, and the little girl approaches him. Tea cup full and atop a saucer, John adds two biscuits and crouches down. “Bring this ta Mum, would you. An’ careful not ta spill it.”

She takes it with a proud nod as dutifully as a first born is, and walks off. 

“Ya got it?” he checks.

“I got it!” She says certainly. She’s 8 now, and quickly growing into her confidence as her personality grows. 

Then he returns to the couch, and stuffed as it is, the first person he seeks out is Paul and wraps an arm around his shoulder. They share a kiss. 

“You’d be a good dad y’know,” Paul suddenly says, exciting John, who smiles. 

“Have ya thought about me offer?” John asks. 

“What offer?” Paul asks, playing dumb. When he peels his eyes away from the telly, he see’s John giving him a look. “I thought about it.”

“And?” John presses, just dying to know.

“And I’d like you to be as surprised as me,” Paul says, and he leaves it at that, making John’s insides scream.

“I just… wanna know if you’d be open ta somethin’ like that.”

Paul looks at him again. “Ya know I would.”

John’s smiles, adds a new task to his to-do list. How he got here was a ride which turns no one could’ve predicted. But look at them now. If only he could go back to the John that ran into his ex in uni, or the John that was heartbroken over the worst break up imaginable, or even the John who thought he’d never see Paul again some mere months ago, and tell him to just be patient. 

“Hey,” John says. Paul looks at him. “I love you.”

Paul smiles. “I love you more.” And John can’t resist another kiss. They finally did it. They finally got it right this time. 

If only he could tell his old self not to worry or fret, and that everything would be okay. As it turns out, some things really are meant to be. 

END