Chapter Text
Dazai decides that it’s the day that will mark the beginning of his downfall.
It started as a normal day, his nine year old brother woke him up because he was hungry and couldn’t find their father. Which is how Dazai starts almost every day. Atsushi is an early riser. Their father works the night shift, and says that all the gory good surgeries come in when people are out being idiots since they have the cover of night. He loves Atsushi a lot, and doesn’t mind taking care of him. He just hopes he isn’t doing a bad job at raising his brother. Atsushi is the best kid he has ever met and he would hate to be the one to change that.
But all that normalness of his suddenly boring life would slowly fade into a thing of the past.
It’s November now, about a month until Christmas break, and he is excited to get out. This school is filled with psychos like Fyodor. Another thing to look forward to, soon after winter break, their band gets to compete in their school’s talent competition. (Dazai doesn’t know how they’ll make it without a good singer though.)
Unfortunately, the newfound bearableness of Dazai’s life couldn’t last forever. His undoing started in his third period. Gifted English. A new student is introduced.
And that was just the beginning. Dazai would soon learn that this new tiny redhead might actually be a little bit smart.
He answered a question that requires a little thinking the exact way that Dazai would’ve answered it. Like he could see into his thoughts.
Maybe if he talks to Odasaku (their English teacher) he can sit in the opposite corner that Chuuya sits in for the whole year. He already decided he hates the guy. (Dazai knows that he is smarter than Chuuya, but he doesn’t like the feeling of being seen.)
What’s almost worse than Chuuya’s smarts is how everyone thinks he has looks too, which he most definitely doesn’t.
Honestly, Dazai doesn’t know why everybody’s fawning over this guy. (Yeah, sure, his French accent might be a little hot, his heterochromia might make his face a little easier to look at, and his plethora of piercings makes him a little less ugly.)
Everyone thinks he’s smart too, but obviously he can not compare to Dazai. (Even if they both have A’s in gifted english.) And of course everyone thinks his personality is great too! But it’s not because his temper is the worst. For example, Dazai asked him a very simple question during their one shared class, and that nasty but also very beautiful redhead threatened to tie Dazai to a chair in an abandoned warehouse where no one would find his body for at least two weeks. And all Dazai asked was if he drank enough milk when he was a child, so Dazai is completely innocent.
Dazai, trying to be optimistic, thinks about the things that Chuuya can’t take away from him, like his other talents. Chuuya can’t take his stellar guitar playing away from him! Dazai bets that Chuuya has no musical talent whatsoever. A tone deaf slug. At least Chuuya won’t be in his band, his second favorite part of the day. (First was third period.)
Dazai’s patience starts to crumble at lunch. He likes everyone who sits at his table enough to not hate sitting there. Albatross, Gin, Higuchi, Kouyou, Ranpo, and Yosano.
Ranpo and Yosano are more his friends than anyone else at the table, but Dazai got introduced to his band through Yosano’s girlfriend, their occasional orchestra instrument player, Kouyou. (She can play so many instruments.)
Speaking of musical talent, Albatross stalks toward their shared lunch table with Dazai’s ruination. Also known as an annoying (charming) redhead. Dazai angrily takes a bite of his rice and pretends not to see them.
“Hey guys,” Albatross says as he slides into his normal spot, “I hope you don’t mind him sitting with us.”
Dazai rolls his eyes.
“Nice to meet you all, my name’s Chuuya.” The redhead sits in the seat next to Albatross
Chuuya’s smile is admittedly sweet, but Dazai can see right through it. He knows that it is the smile of an evil villain.
From there, Dazai only half listens to the conversation.
“So Chuuya, where’d you move from?” Dazai hears from Kouyou.
“I used to live right outside of Marseille.” Chuuya responds, digging into his lunch.
To Dazai’s utter horror he notices another piercing on the redhead. A tongue piercing. It’s almost as if this new kid is trying to kill him. Were the snakebites and heavily pierced ears not enough?
Dazai decides to focus on his food.
“That’s amazing. I’ve always wanted to visit France. Why’d you move?” Yosano asks next.
“My dad wanted to be closer to my family.”
Chuuya’s mood seems to dim at the topic, only noticeable to those who are paying close attention. Gin picks up on it and steers the conversation in another direction.
“I love all of your piercings, how long have you had them?”
“Thanks, I like yours too,” Gin has a bridge piercing themself, as well as many ear piercings, “I’ve had most of my ear piercings since I was 13 but I got the snake bites and tongue piercing a year ago. How long have you had your bridge pierced?”
“About a year and a half now.”
Chuuya looks like he wants to say something in response, but he’s interrupted by Albatross.
“That’s cool and all Chuuya, but tell them what you told me!” Albatross interjects in his usually delighted tone.
“About what…?” Chuuya looks genuinely curious. Albatross shoots him a look which jogs Chuuya’s memory.
The next words out of Chuuya’s will probably haunt Dazai for the rest of his life.
“I can play piano.”
Dazai can’t stop the horrid expression that forms on his face. He can already tell what Albatross is about to suggest because Chuuya seems like the kind of person that Albatross would find cool. Piercings, longer hair, lots of jewelry.
“He can’t just play piano,” Albatross shoves his shoulder a little, “Chuuya here can sing too. He’s so good. He showed me a video of him singing and playing, I loved it so much, and Chuuya is way better than our last pianist.” The last part of the sentence is said with a quick breath and in a low tone, so not quite everyone catches it. Dazai notices, as always. Just the thought of his ex makes him shudder.
Dazai and Fyodor didn’t exactly have the cleanest breakup on Dazai’s record.
Honestly, they would still probably be together if it weren’t for Fyodor’s manipulative habits. He was eerily similar to Dazai himself, which is probably why Dazai liked him in the first place.
But at least their band, The Black Lizards, has a singer again, it was getting awkward at practices without one. (Is what Dazai would be thinking as if he didn’t just get a life sentence! Now both of his favorite times of day are ruined because of Chuuya!)
“We still all have to agree.” Dazai reminds everyone, not very quietly from his seat with a defeated expression on his face, because he knows his bandmates, and he knows that they will all love Chuuya and easily accept him as the lead singer of their band.
“What’s your deal?” Chuuya questions him. Dazai can tell that he doesn’t mind being the loudest in the room. Or the smallest.
“I am just not a very big fan of small slugs like you. ” No one who usually sits at the table is very surprised at this statement, Dazai is somewhat known to pick petty fights with his classmates.
“Oh yeah? Well I’m not a big fan of bandaged freaks like you who think they’re smarter than everyone else!” Chuuya retorts, slamming his hands down on the table as he rises from his chair.
“I am smarter than almost everyone else. But I know a certain five foot two redhead delinquent who thinks he’s the coolest .” Not Dazai’s strongest comeback, but something about Chuuya makes his hands sweat and his mind think a little less.
“You know what, I am cool. Not my fault that you’re jealous. Also, I am not a delinquent, I have straight A’s, and I went to church for 4 whole years of my life, and I’m five three .” Chuuya’s grin is saccharine sweet, which only makes Dazai’s palms sweat more, his expression changing from an assured grin to more of something that resembles a blushing girl confessing to her crush. How Chuuya said that last bit with a straight face, Dazai will never know. Chuuya zips up his lunch box.
No one at their lunch table tries to stop the pair, knowing that their interruptions will fall on deaf ears.
“I will see you guys later, it was a pleasure to meet you all,” and after a beat Chuuya adds, “Except you, Dazai.” He stalks away from their table and towards a tall blonde (Dazai does not look at his ass… Or at least he tries, but the way Chuuya sways his hips makes it a little hard not to look).
Ranpo turns to him before he has the time to look away.
“Enjoying the view, Dazai?” He whispers from his seat next to the man in question.
“Shut up Ranpo.” He grumbles in response with the roll of his eyes.
***
“How did your first day go?” Paul asks when Chuuya hops into the car after school. Chuuya shoves his brother’s hand away when he ruffles his hair.
“Probably better than yours. I met some cool people who want me to join their band. Do you know how Arthur is doing?” Chuuya asks with a slight grimace on his face, realizing his bluntness. Chuuya sits with his feet on the dashboard. Paul always tells him that he doesn’t know how to sit properly.
Paul didn’t take the news that they were moving as well as Chuuya did because they had to leave behind Arthur, Paul’s long term boyfriend. At least Paul only has six months left here. He gets to go back to France for college when his last semester of high school finishes. It will be the first time since Murase adopted them that Chuuya and Paul will be separated for longer than a week.
Chuuya doesn’t really know why their dad wanted to move here again in the first place, considering that his mom hasn’t been a part of his family in a long time. (He also doesn’t really know what he is going to do without his big brother to tell him what to do, but he pushes that thought to the side for now.)
“He misses me.” Paul replies, staring at the road and gripping the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles are turning white.
If Chuuya had to use one word to describe his brother’s relationship, he would say codependent. Paul and Arthur have a great relationship, but they became inseparable when Chuuya’s and Paul’s biological dad, Kansuke, died.
They sit in silence for a couple minutes, listening to the engine of their car hum as the trees and street signs and cars pass by the windows.
“Only a couple weeks, and then after that only six more months.” Chuuya reminds Paul with a whisper, turning his head to look at him. Paul nods, but it’s more of a nod to convince himself that he will be able to see his boyfriend again soon.
They are going back to France for a few days during their upcoming winter break, to visit Murase’s family. Silence fills the car again, which gives Chuuya time to think about what will happen while they are back in France. Chuuya will get to see Shirase and Yuan, the members of the band he was a part of back home. They called themselves the Sheep. It hurts Chuuya to think of them now, when he is in Japan and he is missing everything. While he is out making new friends, and meeting new band mates, the Sheep are back in France, and there is nothing Chuuya can do to change that. He feels so helpless. He also doesn’t have friends to hang out with after school anymore. Friends who understood Chuuya’s fucked up childhood and his friends who also helped him cope when his biological father died.
Murase adopted the pair 6 years ago, about a year and a half before their biological dad, Kansuke, died. At that point, they had already been in and out of foster homes for almost 10 months. Those 10 months were hell for Chuuya, mostly because of his mother’s trial that was happening and because he had to be separated from his brother. Chuuya will never forget having to testify against his mother just to get away from his admittedly shitty life, and getting thrown into an almost as shitty world where his brother wasn’t there with him.
On one of Chuuya’s last days of school in France, he and Shirase got into a fight. And the distance has not been helping with either of the pair’s stubbornness. Neither of them want to admit they’re wrong, which isn’t atypical for their friendship.
“At least try to make some friends while we’re here. It’ll be good for you.” And after a couple seconds he adds, “Is dad bothering you about seeing mom too?” Chuuya steers the conversation away from the memories of France.
“Yeah,” Paul responds, reaching up to scratch his neck, keeping one hand on the wheel, “I already told him I didn’t want to see her, but he doesn’t really want to hear it.”
“I don’t know why he’s being so insistent with that.. It’s not like she really cares. If she did, she might’ve sent a birthday card or two.” Chuuya says in his usually stubborn fashion, glancing outside the window.
“Maybe it’s because of how we reacted when Kansuke died. He wants us to be able to say goodbye or whatever.” Even if they both slipped into a minor depression (Which is sugarcoating it, in Chuuya’s case) that doesn’t mean that they need to see their mom before she kicks the bucket. Fuku wasn’t ever much of a mother to either of them. One of the reasons why they met Murase in the first place was because she wasn’t fit to be a mother anymore. Chuuya hopes for her sake and everybody else’s that she didn’t have any other kids.
“I don’t think being able to say goodbye is going to save us from the grief like Dad thinks it is.” Chuuya replies, watching the trees and street signs and cars go by the window.
“I don’t think it is either, but you know how his dad died and he didn’t get to say goodbye either.” Paul is usually the voice of reason in their conversations. He thinks Chuuya should work on seeing both sides of every story. Which Chuuya usually does, he just isn’t afraid to point out when things are bothering him.
Paul pulls into the new driveway of their new house. Chuuya gets out of his brother’s car and opens their new front door with his brand new key. Chuuya misses his friends, his life, and singing with the Sheep, but he is beginning to see that he can try to have all that here too.
“Did you both have a good first day?” Murase asks while typing away at his computer, probably working on a case file. One of the reasons they were able to move here is because Murase had gotten a job back in Yokohama.
Chuuya only nods, not having the energy to deal with their overbearing dad, before jogging up the new stairs to his new bedroom. He has the same posters and desk and keyboard on its stand, but it is all different. No matter how hard he tries to think of this as his home, he can’t help but think of Yuan and Shirase and all the other people that made France his home. Maybe once he gets used to this life of not having anything to do after school, and sitting with strangers at lunch time, he’ll be able to try to forget about his old friends.
He sighs as he sets his backpack down by his desk and tumbles over to his bed. It’s going to be a long couple of years.
***
School is boring the next day. At least Chuuya gets to be properly introduced to the band members today, at their only practice before winter break.
When Chuuya makes it to their practice space, a little room conjoined to the band classroom, everyone is already there. Albatross is at his hip immediately, wanting to begin the introductions.
“Everyone listen up,” Albatross starts, and when the minimal chatter dies down his usual grin appears on his face, “This is our new lead singer and piano player!” He says every word just a little bit more dramatically than the last and makes a big ‘ voila ’ motion with his arms.
Chuuya only waves and the chatter begins again as everyone finishes setting up their instruments. He makes a mental note of what everyone plays.
Albatross is on the drumset, Dazai is a guitar player, and Gin plays bass.
Chuuya lets his eyes linger on the way Dazai’s biceps flex when he attaches his guitar strap to his Squier. It’s a pretty sparkly blue color that reminds Chuuya of the ocean when the sun reflects on it. He tries (and fails) to look away when Dazai makes eye contact with him. Chuuya settles for a glare, and he receives one from Dazai, who looks away first to plug in his amp.
Chuuya set up is the quickest of all the instruments, all he has to do is plug the mic in and make sure the volume is right.
This being the only practice before winter break, they don’t really do much besides working on the bass-line, tempo and the feeling they want to make with their song. Most of which doesn’t really involve Chuuya’s input, except for little suggestions here and there.
Although Chuuya isn’t the most active participant during their practice, it is the most fun he has had since he has been back in Japan. Chuuya feels like he has passion again. He isn’t nearly as close to any of these band members as he was to the Sheep, but he’ll manage.
When Chuuya is packing up after practice, Albatross prances up to him.
“Hi Chuuya!”
“What’s up?”
“Well, I just wanted to let you know that the songs we’re preparing are for a talent competition.” Chuuya always forgets how many hand gestures Albatross uses until he talks to him again.
“The school hosts one every year, they let 8 groups join. Auditions are at the end of February and the competitions take place every Friday after that. The bracket will finish sometime near the end of school.” As Albatross talks, he rocks back and forth on his heels.
“Thanks, it sounds like fun.” Chuuya says with enthusiasm, but he can’t help but wonder what these next couple months would’ve looked like if he was competing with the Sheep. Chuuya can’t stop himself from yearning for more time with his friends where they don't spend it hating each other.
Chuuya sighs as he walks away from Albatross.
Only a few more weeks.
***
Chuuya is gleefully shoving his favorite clothes into his suitcase. Humming his favorite tune as he bags his toiletries. Skipping through his house as he mentally checks things off his list. Jumping with joy as he makes his way to the car with his giant suitcase. He is (obviously) so excited to go back to France. The few weeks he has been here have felt more like a few months, and all will be good for the 10 days Chuuya gets to be back home.
Paul is also very delighted about going back, and it shows through the smile on his face when he climbs into the car after flinging his suitcase into the trunk with Chuuya’s.
The rest of the car ride and flight is pretty uneventful, Chuuya spends most of the time thinking about what he should say to Shirase when they see each other next. Even though he only had a disagreement with Shirase, Yuan never took Chuuya’s side, so he has to make things right with both of them. When he left, he and his friends were in the middle of a fight, but he realized that, even if he didn’t really do anything in the first place, apologizing is better than losing his closest friends, his family .
What had gotten them into this argument in the first place is Chuuya’s big move. Chuuya had tried to explain to the Sheep over and over again how he couldn’t control where his dad wanted to take him, but his friends didn’t get it. They had claimed that Chuuya would just start his own band with newer and better members in Yokohama. Chuuya had tried to reason with them, saying that they were like family to him and that he would never abandon them for another band. And now, Chuuya isn’t so sure about his decision to join The Black Lizards. He can’t help but think that maybe they were right.
After all, the Sheep were right. He joined a new band as soon as he got to Yokohama. Like the Sheep meant nothing to him. He pushes that thought to the side when they get to their Grandma’s house, texting Yuan to set up a time to hangout and talk while he lugs his ginormous suitcase behind him as he walks to the door. Chuuya and Paul have to share a room while they are here, but neither of them really mind that much.
A few hours later, Chuuya is getting in the car to meet up with Shirase and Yuan, because he convinced Paul to take him. He can’t help but be nervous, because although he has his whole speech to make it up to Shirase planned out in his head, he knows how his friends are. Stubborn. There’s a tiny part inside of Chuuya telling him that they will never want to be his friends again.
But again, he pushes that thought to the side when he pulls up in Yuan’s familiar driveway. The garage door is open and Yuan and Shirase are sitting in their regular spots. Paul drives away, he’s going to see Arthur.
“Hi!” Chuuya says with a genuine smile on his face when he walks up to his friends, plopping down in his usual bean bag that faces Yuan and Shirase’s. Yuan smiles in response, but Shirase’s face is still blank, mildly glaring at Chuuya.
“I wanted to talk to you guys.. I wasn’t the best friend before I left Marseille, and this isn’t an excuse but you guys know how I get when it comes to my mom. I’m sorry.” Chuuya looks down while he speaks, fidgeting with the locket hung around his neck that his dad gifted him. It was one of the first things Murase gave to him after adopting him, and it has a picture of them when Chuuya was 7 and Paul was 11 at their favorite restaurant. Chuuya isn’t smiling in the photo because the restaurant wasn’t his favorite yet, and he had just moved in with Murase, and it was a lot for any normal 7 year old. But now, it’s a happy memory.
“We know you weren’t .” Shirase mumbles as he crosses his arms.
“Look, Chuuya,” Yuan starts in an exasperated and bitter tone, and right away Chuuya can tell this isn’t a hangout where they all make up and become friends again, “You don’t even care about us anymore and everyone but you can tell.”
Chuuya just sits there for a second, still fidgeting with his locket and he stares with teary eyes at the people he considered his family.
Chuuya’s voice breaks when he speaks next, “You guys don’t get it, of course I care about you all-”
“We know you already joined a new band. You’ve been gone for less than a month ! Did you really hate us that much?” Shirase cuts him off, the anger not hidden in his voice as he stands up.
“How do you know that?” Chuuya replies quietly, wracking his brain to find out how they would know about that. Then he realizes that he posted a picture of him and Albatross in their practice room to his Instagram.
“It doesn’t matter how we know, just leave Chuuya.”
He looks at Yuan, trying to see if she’ll defend him. She is looking at the floor.
“But, I-” Chuuya begins, only to be interrupted again.
“ Leave.”
***
Chuuya walked back to his Grandma’s house. Apparently he didn’t do a very good job of making his face return to its normal color because his dad immediately notices that something is wrong.
“Chuuya, what happened?” His voice is soft and calming to hear. Instead of responding, he just hugs his dad tightly, burying his face in the familiar scent .
This is the worst winter break of Chuuya’s life.