Chapter Text
Spencer was going to let it go.
He understood that Morgan was trying his best to look out for the team, and the information he shared was completely innocuous in the grand scheme of things. A bit embarrassing, but that wasn’t anything new for him. He had said what was on his mind in McAllister and the talk with Gideon allowed him to let go of the lingering betrayal he’d felt.
Over the next few days, Spencer could sense the guilt brewing in his friend, had felt it growing since they’d landed after that case. Part of him had wanted to reach out, ease the burden he knew his words had on his friend. A larger part of him was wholly uncomfortable with that kind of conversation and was much more willing to sweep it under the rug.
He should have known Derek wasn’t that kind of person. He was a good man, could recognize that he had hurt his friend, and would want to make it right. He would just feel worse until they’d had the chance to talk about it.
The next few days, Spencer was just waiting for the moment he would be approached. They had a couple of days to catch up on paperwork, and he found himself finishing before anybody else. He’d gotten a couple extra from Elle, but Morgan had kept all the files he started with.
Instead of leaving when he was done, he went over to Derek’s desk. They made eye contact as he approached, and Spencer offered a smile. He grabbed nearly half the stack and went back to his own desk.
As the sun went down, the other agents left as they completed their work. There was always somebody milling around the office, but it came to a point where Spencer and Morgan were two of the only people there.
He could have finished much faster, but he found himself slowing down as the steady stream of noise also calmed down. The monotonous task of copying information and compiling reports was repetitive enough that he could generally turn off his brain and relax for a while. Morgan finished while Spencer was in the middle of the last file and walked over to lean against his desk.
Neither of them said anything until Spencer submitted the last report, took a deep breath, and turned towards his friend.
“Since when do we have so much paperwork? I feel like that was three or four cases worth.”
Morgan cracked a smile, though he didn’t quite laugh like Spencer had been trying to get him to. “That’s because we’ve barely had a break to do the work for the last four cases. I’ve barely been home enough to change and wash the clothes from my go-bag, let alone fill out all the little boxes and copy down testimony.”
They walked towards the elevator together in a silence that stretched until they began their descent.
“Hey, I wanted to apologize for spreading your information the other day. It wasn’t cool. I knew that Hotch and Gideon wouldn’t look at you any differently for having nightmares, but regardless, that wasn’t my thing to tell.”
A small, true smile crept onto Spencer’s face. In his experience, an honest and forthcoming apology was rare. “Thank you, Morgan.”
“You’re welcome.” The elevator dinged as it passed by a few more floors. “Why don’t I take you out for a drink or two tonight? I’ll take you home afterwards.”
Spencer thought about it. His contacts were getting itchy, his back hurt from his chair, and he had been looking forward to finishing a book he’d started the night before. At the same time, he wanted to get closer with Derek.
“You know what? I think I’ll take you up on that.” He said with a smile. “Just nowhere too loud or crowded, if you don’t mind.”
“I know just the place.”
Not even fifteen minutes later they were pulling up to an Applebee's. Not the first place Spencer thought of for drinks, but he supposed most bars on a Friday night were either loud, crowded, or both. Usually both.
He wasn’t looking to get terribly drunk that night anyway. It would be nice to sip on something while sharing an appetizer.
“So,” Morgan asked as soon as they sat down. “What does the great genius Spencer Reid usually do when he gets home? I’m guessing it involved books in one way or another.”
“Ha ha.” He mocked back with a smile on his face. “Then I’m guessing all you do at home is pushups.”
Derek pressed his hand to his chest in mock offense. “I’ll have you know that I am an avid tv watcher on top of my exercise.”
“You really know how to do it all, don’t you?”
Their banter was cut short by the waitress coming for their drink orders and Spencer chuckled as Morgan shot him a small glare before turning to her.
It was a really fun night. Derek opened up about his own nightmares the job had given him, something that Spencer really wasn’t expecting from him. They were able to talk and laugh in a way that he had never really done with anyone who wasn’t from the mansion. He’d had a couple of friends through his schooling, but he was almost always so much younger that people either treated him like a child who couldn’t tie his shoes or made fun of him in ways they didn’t think he caught on to. The people at the mansion were the best friends he’d ever had, but even then there were only a couple who knew who he was.
Spencer kept finding himself going back to the idea of letting Derek in on his little secret. Logan and Remy were right, in a way. Letting anyone in was always going to be dangerous. Even letting his shields down enough that Jamie could sense it had been risky. Admitting to it in a place where Morgan and Cory could have overheard was beyond risky.
But, again, Derek was shaping up to be the best friend he’d ever had. There was Logan, of course, but Spencer had subconsciously considered him family long before he ever called him Dad. Then there was Remy, who had been by his side ever since they met, but their relationship went so much further than friendship.
He wanted a friend that he could just get a drink with. Who might invite him over on one of their few days off per year to play video games or who might call him in the middle of a random day to ask him for some little piece of information that he definitely could have looked up so he could win an argument with his sister. He wanted to have someone nearby that he could call if he needed to borrow a power tool and try to bribe him into building the damn bookshelf for him.
Spencer wanted that so bad.
And it wasn’t that Logan and Remy weren’t enough. It wasn’t that anybody else at the mansion didn’t hold up compared to his team. But they were supposed to be his team . Spencer saw how the X-Men interacted. There were some people who clashed, of course there was, but overall they were tight-knit and loved each other in ways that always made Spencer feel just a bit like an outsider.
Eventually, a while after they each finished their drinks, they were still loosened up from the conversation and easy atmosphere but sober enough to get home safely. It was nearing midnight, and Spencer was looking forward to his bed. The itchy-ness of his contacts had only grown worse, and he was fighting the urge to rub his eyes constantly.
But more than that, he felt like he was floating. The alcohol had worn off, but the sleepiness and good emotions had soaked into his bones and he stopped caring about the world around him. He wished he could stay there forever.
Morgan looked at him, leaning against the side of the booth on the verge of falling asleep. “Alright, pretty boy. Let’s get you home.”
He pulled him up from the seat, and the contact just pushed the good emotions right past his shields until he almost got lost in them. He couldn’t help but lean further against him as Derek guided them out of the building.
Spencer must have fallen asleep in the car, because the next thing he knew Morgan was shaking him awake. His little nap gave him enough energy to climb the stairs on his own, but Morgan still trailed behind him to make sure he didn’t fall over.
He got his door unlocked and pushed inside, thanking Morgan for the night out as he kicked off his shoes and ran towards the bathroom. The only thing on his mind was his bed. He heard his front door close and sighed.
It was such a good night. He stood there, smiling as he took his contacts out. He almost groaned out loud at the relief the action brought, the itchiness instantly gone. Spencer looked in the mirror for the first time that night, and liked what he saw.
He looked happy, in a way he rarely looked without Remy next to him. The embers in his eyes were floating and fluttering with the same level of giddiness he felt in his chest. He wanted to call his mom and tell her he finally did it, he finally made a friend.
Spencer left the bathroom, going towards the kitchen. He sensed some amount of movement, but his tired brain disregarded the information as it being someone else in the building. He turned the corner, yawning, then froze.
“I was wondering when you would be coming out of there, I was beginning to think you fell asleep.” Morgan was there, standing in his kitchen, turning around with a bottle of ibuprofen and a glass of water in his hand.
Spencer should have run back to the bathroom and put his contacts back in. Or run to his room and told him to leave. He should have gone anywhere with a door and refused to move until he was either alone or looked normal. He should have done anything except stand there, frozen, eyes wide.
Derek turned around, they locked eyes, and he started to open his mouth. Spencer panicked, he could feel it build and push on his shields from the inside. The tight control he kept to keep all of his emotions to himself, to stop them from accidentally affecting others, was weakening with every millisecond that passed by.
Spencer didn’t stay long enough to find out what Morgan would’ve said.
He ran. He ran right out the front door, narrowly avoiding slipping as his socked feet scrambled down the stairs. He ran as fast as he could, as fast as his body had ever run. He didn’t even have a destination in mind, taking turns whenever he came across a street he couldn’t cross right away.
The panic slowly ebbed and left just pure fear in its place. He needed to call someone, he needed to call Logan or Remy or even Charles. Someone who could help him, who could get him out of here before he could really find out what the FBI would do with a mutant hiding under their nose.
By pure luck, Spencer’s phone was still in his pocket from earlier that night. He ducked into an alley and pulled it out, seeing multiple missed calls and messages from Morgan. He ignored them and pressed the first number in his speed dial.
As usual, he didn’t have to wait long before it picked up.
“Bubba?” Logan’s sleepy voice made everything real, the only response Spencer could give was a hitched breath. “What’s wrong?”
Spencer let out a sob, unable to stop himself. “I messed up, Baba. I messed up. I blew it. I completely blew it and now they know and I was so stupid and I should’ve made sure he was really gone before I took them out or at least listened when I thought somebody was moving nearby I mean why the fuck would I ignore that when I don’t have my contacts in and-”
“Stop, Spencer.” His voice was steady, the sleepiness from before completely gone. Spencer went silent, the only noise being the air he was desperately trying to gasp in. “Breathe. You have to breathe, kiddo. In and out, come on, I want to hear it.”
He kept it up until Spencer’s breath only hitched once every few seconds. When he could breathe again, Logan coached him through checking on his shields. His steady, unwavering voice pulled him back to himself.
“Who found out?”
“Morgan.”
Logan hummed to himself. Spencer heard some shuffling in the background, and when he spoke again he sounded further away, like the phone was on speaker and he stepped away from it.
“It could be worse, it could be way worse.”
“How can this be worse, Baba?!”
“It could be someone who’s not your team. You told me the other day that you were thinkin’ about tellin’ him. So far your team's been kind to us, it coulda been an active bigot.”
Spencer considered that for a moment, but ultimately decided the information was out, and therefore he had to leave. “I don’t know what to do. I’m in an alley without shoes on. All I have is my phone and-”
“Reid!” Morgan called from the entrance to the alley.
“Shit.” Spencer looked around. Morgan was blocking the only way out. He was surrounded by walls on all sides, nothing but dumpsters to climb on, not that he would really be able to if there was something.
Logan said something else into the phone, but Spencer couldn’t hear anything past the rushing in his ears.
Morgan was rushing towards him. Spencer was once again frozen in place. Even Logan was quiet, listening for anything that might give away that his pup was in danger. He’d had contacts in Quantico ever since Spencer moved there, and he was prepared to wake anybody up to keep him safe.
Derek looked like he wanted to reach out to Spencer, but barely stopped himself. Probably because he didn’t want to touch a mutant, Spencer thought, and the pit in his stomach dug itself a little deeper.
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay.” Spencer wasn’t sure what emotion showed on his face to make that Derek’s response, but it only confused him more. “Sometimes you don’t wanna be touched when you’re stressed. Can I hug you?”
Spencer nodded. Morgan hugged him tighter than he ever had before. He was never conservative with his physical affection, but he tended towards hands on shoulders or gentle pushes to go along with his teasing. A full hug was rare, not unheard of, but Spencer couldn’t fathom why he would give one now.
“You can’t do that to me, man. Do you know how close I was to waking up Garcia and having her track your phone location? And you know how she gets when her sleep is interrupted.”
That startled a laugh out of Spencer, remembering the sharp words and immediate apologies of their very own Penelope when she was tired.
The joke caught him off guard enough for his blind panic to recede just enough for the amount of worry and acceptance and stubbornness that Derek was absolutely pushing , whether or not he knew Spencer could feel it like it was his own, to make it through his shields. He probably didn't even realize he was doing it, and the idea of him feeling it so strongly he subconsciously projected it as hard as he was was more comforting than a hug could ever be.
Everything was too much, the adrenaline wore off and he was suddenly left with the aftermath of everything from that night. The pressure had grown behind a dam that wasn’t built to hold that much water. The hug was enough for it to crack and break, and soon enough Spencer was sobbing into Morgan’s shoulder while he rubbed his back.
He really was a good friend.
Once Spencer had calmed down enough, Morgan started guiding him to walk back in the direction of his apartment. At some point, he started hearing noise coming from his phone, and was flooded with embarrassment when he realized he’d kept Logan on the phone, had forgotten he was there, for nearly ten minutes.
“Hey, sorry.”
“It’s okay, Bubba. I take it you’re in a safe spot?”
“Yeah, Morgan and I are heading back to my place right now.”
“Got it. Keep a feeler out for a little while. You know how to contact me if anything happens.”
“I do. Thank you, Baba.”
Spencer hung up the phone and slipped it back in his pocket. Morgan was resolutely not looking at him, attempting to give him some amount of privacy.
“That was my dad.” Spencer offered. “Not my biological one the FBI knows about, the one that chose to stay in my life despite….a lot.”
His phone beeped a moment later.
Baba- I’m already up, figured I’d bother Gumbo and take a trip down there. Get some sleep, we’ll be there in the morning
Spencer smiled at it and sent a confirmation back. He would have to make sure he left some blankets out on the couch before going to bed.
“Pretty boy has secrets, does he?” Morgan asked, but it was said with the same layer of teasing he used when Spencer was going off on his tangents.
“I thought you were smart enough to figure that out on your own.” Spencer teased back, then grew serious. “I need you to not tell anyone . This isn’t like the nightmares, where telling people couldn’t really hurt. Gideon knows, but that’s it. I want to tell the team eventually, but I need to be the judge of it. If the wrong person hears about this, a lot of bad things could happen and a lot of people would get involved that really don’t want to get involved . As much as our job can suck sometimes, I really like it. I have places I can run if I need to, but I really don’t want to need to.”
“I understand. I’ll keep my mouth shut.” Morgan promised.
Spencer nodded, and yawned. He was excited to have a somewhat full night’s sleep. Or full enough, because with Remy coming over he was sure to get woken up by a man crawling into bed with him, but in the end he would sleep better with his partner next to him and his dad in the other room.
Morgan walked him back up the stairs, hugging him once more at his door and reiterating that he was happy Spencer trusted him and he would do whatever he could to keep him safe. Then he left, and Spencer waited until he heard his car leave before turning back to his apartment.
It was almost exactly the same as it always was, except for the open bottle of ibuprofen and glass of water left out on the counter. Spencer took a couple of pills, swallowed them with the water, and took the rest of the glass with him to his room.
He peeled off his socks, thoroughly ruined from his running outside, and threw them in the trash. Then he set up the couch for Logan to crash on once they arrived, and finally, finally , was able to get ready for bed.
The warm embrace of his soft mattress and comforter had him sighing as he pulled it over himself, turning to his side and allowing himself to process the day's events. His family would be there in the morning to check on him. As small as it might seem to anyone who hadn’t lived through it, this was going to be a big shift for him.
It was the first step to him being able to be open and honest to his team.
It didn’t take long for sleep to claim him, and barely a moment longer before he was being woken up only to be tucked against a man’s chest. Spencer slept dreamlessly, burrowing himself deeper into Remy’s arms and the happy emotions from earlier that night, safer than he had felt since joining the FBI.
It would all work out, he was sure of it.