Chapter Text
When Shitty burst into the room he was out of breath, his face flushed from running across campus. He still had his overcoat on. His hair had fallen out of the neat bun he had put it in for her show, and was a mess. He looked a bit wild. He looked so quinesentially Shitty (despite the clothes) that it made Lardo’s chest hurt. She loved him so much.
“Lardo.” He gasped, still breathing hard. “I’m sorry. I’m an idiot, and I’m really sorry.”
“You aren’t an idiot, Shits.” She told him with a small smile, patting the bed next to her. He shed his coat and tossed it aside before sitting down next to her. “You got into Harvard Law School after all.” She added. He shook his head.
“I think you know what I mean.” He told her. She opened her mouth to say something but he shushed her, clearly determined to say his piece. She almost wanted to be mad at him for stealing her thunder, her chance to say what she came here to say first, but it was just such a Shitty thing to do that she couldn’t be angry. He was alwas so damn eager when he spoke, his words tumbling out of his mouth so fast that sometimes no one could understand him, tongue struggling to keep up with his head.
“Lardo, I love you.” He declared. “I know I’ve said that before, I say it to a lot of people, but this isn’t that. I’m in love with you. I don’t think I’ve said that before, and I should have. I should have said it years ago. I’m graduating soon and I can’t keep ignoring it because I’m more terrified of losing you than I have ever been of anything in my life. I know you don’t do relationships. I know you don’t do “In Love” and I know you see almost everyone as temporary. I couldn’t bring myself to ask, I couldn’t survive you telling me that I’m temporary, but if I don’t ask then I’m going to lose you anyway. I can’t lose you. Jesus Lardo I can’t- I love you so fucking much.” Shitty looked so scared, it broke Lardo’s heart. She had hurt him, had made him feel like he wasn’t important, and she hated herself for it. She reached out and took his hand gently, bringing it to her lips to kiss his knuckles. She stared at it instead of looking at his face.
“I’m so sorry.” she breathed, barely more than a whisper. “I love you. I love you so much. I should have told you before. I never meant to make you think you didn’t matter to me. You are so damn important to me, Shitty. I never wanted to say it, I didn’t want you to be. I wanted to think that I could keep everyone as temporary, that I could be entirely independent and only ever rely on myself. I was so scared of letting anyone in, of thinking that anyone was permanent because I thought that as soon as I did I would lose them and then I would be broken again. I didn’t want anyone to have that over me, the power to break me just by walking away. But you do. I fell so in love with you, and I hated that you could destroy me by leaving, so I never said. Then I was just scared, scared because I know you run from commitments. You run from serious things and real life, and I couldn’t handle seeing you run away from me. I’m sorry I never said it. You’re not temporary, Shits. You could never be temporary to me.”
Lardo’s voice had grown stronger as she spoke, and at the end she looked up, looked him in the eyes for the first time. He was crying. She didn’t care. She was crying too, though she hadn’t noticed at first. She wasn’t sure who leaned forwards first. She was glad. It reminded her of their first kiss, when she hadn’t thought about all the complicatedness of it yet, when it was just the two of them loving each other in a bubble of peace. It was a brief chaste kiss, but when they pulled back they were both grinning. Lardo wiped the tears off of her cheeks with the back of her hand. Bitty’s jacket had fallen off of her shoulders at some point. She couldn’t remember when. Shitty cleared his own face of tears, though his eyes still looked pretty watery.
“I’m never running away from you.” he promised her. She nodded.
“I know.” She agreed, before kissing him again. He wrapped his arms tight around her, and she felt safe, whole, and happy, but never trapped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You are going to go to Harvard aren’t you?” Lardo asked softly later. Shitty nodded.
“Yeah. I am.” He agreed. “It’s what I want. I have to go somewhere, and Boston isn’t that far away.”
“I guess, but it’s far enough away.” She told him. “Far enough that I’m gonna hate it.”
“I will too.” Shitty told her. He could hear the hesitance, the lingering fear in her voice that she would lose him because of the distance. He wished there was a way to get rid of it. “Hey, Lardo?” He asked suddenly.
“Yup?”
“My name is Bentley Anthony Knight.” He told her. She sat up abruptly, looking at him in surprise.
“What the fuck?” She asked, obviously fighting down an amused grin. He smiled wryly.
“I know. Bentley. It’s fucking awful. My parents would never even call me Ben. Just Bentley, or Son. It was pretty much child abuse.” He confessed. “But I wanted you to know, because… well things are going to change whether I want them to or not. And I might not be able to be Shitty forever. I wanted you to know my stupid name, so no matter what you can always track me down. Whatever version of me is around, that’s his real name.”
“Thank you.” She told him, kissing him on the cheek. They sat in companionable silence for a while.
“I’m sorry about your horrible name.” Lardo murmured. “But you know what?”
“Hmm?” He asked, starting to get sleepy.
“You always will be Shitty to me.” She told him. He chuckled. There was no way she could know about his identity crisis of earlier, but her words still seemed to be a reassurance for it. Of course they were. She knew him, just like Jack did, and all the guys did. They were a team. They were all there for each other no matter what. It wasn’t going to be easy, with Shitty at law school and Lardo finishing her senior year. Nor would the Knight family be happy about their son dating Lardo. Neither of them cared. They were going to get through it together, and come out the other side together. Neither one of them was ever leaving the other’s side.