Chapter Text
Ellie sighed and took another sip of her wine, swirling the fruity white around her tongue. She stared at golden hues of the evening sun that seemed to soften the edges of life in general and made her feel comfortably hidden in her own garden. It was a warm evening in the middle of August and the distinctive smell of summer, hay and sunlight, mixed with the salty breeze. It was a smell Ellie had associated with happiness from her very first memories as a child and it still held the same power today, calming her frayed nerves.
Laughter drifted up from somewhere on the street and Ellie pulled a wry smile as she took another sip of the chilled wine. All alone in her deckchair, the house quiet for once and shadowed by the overgrown hedge, she felt shielded from the hustle and bustle of Broadchurch in the midst of tourist season. Dusk was slowly settling in and the sounds of the town grew faint as people hurried and birds and insects reclaimed the greens. Ellie, normally an outgoing and bubbly personality, felt more connected to these quiet sounds of nature on this summer night. She always did around this time of year and was glad that for once she was alone and could let the mask fall.
Tom and Fred were away, spending the weekend with their aunt and cousin in London. A rare treat for Ellie’s benefit as she did not have to worry about her sons for once. Over the last two years Ellie had fought hard to reclaim her position both in Broadchurch CID and the town as a whole, even going as far as salvaging her friendship with Beth. Most of it was done for her boys and all the small skirmishes were often for their benefit, not her own. Her ulterior motive was and always would be that Tom and Fred could grow up untainted by the past and what their so-called father had done; as much as it was possible, at least.
This rarely left her with much room for herself. There was simply no time to reflect and think back, except maybe in the dead of night when sleep would not come. Normally she was fine, keeping busy and pushing the past to the back of her mind but there were rare days when the memories weighed her down so much that it was impossible to shut out the darkness encroaching on her mind. Today was one of those days. The 17 th of August.
Usually, she was still able to push through, to ban her memories to a corner of her mind and only revisit them when she was all alone in her bedroom, cry it out and be done with it. Not this time. Maybe it was the case she had been dealing with. Even after years on the job Ellie had never quite learnt to emotionally distance herself and when she met the young mother, struggling to juggle a job and four kids with no one to help, it had been too easy to see herself in her stead.
A mournful sigh passed Ellie’s lips as she thought back two years to the morning that had changed her life. Or rather, the day she had been able to start rebuilding her life. She often passed the small blue shack by the river on her walks. It had been converted into a holiday let and was usually rented by the odd hobby fishers, but never again by the one person she longed to see.
It had been the morning after the trial. The morning after Joe had been chased from the town and warned against ever coming so much as near Broadchurch again. But that was not what had felt so freeing on this unusually misty morning when she woke up in a bed that was much too narrow for two people. It had been one single word – negative – which had allowed Ellie to let go of the past. Her stupid one-night-stand had, thankfully, remained without consequences.
It was also the day Alec Hardy had left Broadchurch and never once looked back. Taking a large gulp of wine Ellie washed away the sting of the tears pricking at her eyes. He had arrived with the swarms of tourists that flooded her little seaside town every year, and he had left a year later, with the last of them. Contrary to them he had not returned the following season. Ellie had not even heard from him since. In the days and weeks following his departure she had tried calling, but before long the number had been unavailable and Ellie was not so daft as to misinterpret a message like that. He had cut all ties with Broadchurch and with her.
Maybe that was where her returning grief stemmed from. Not for the first time, she wondered what might have been if the news she received from the clinic that morning had been different. If she had been pregnant. Could she have brought up another child in a town where she felt singled out and shunned? Exiled, with rumours of her having an affair on the grapevine. Would she have been strong enough to get an abortion? Or would she have uprooted Tom and Fred and moved far away to be a single mother struggling to juggle a job and three children just like the lady she met today?
No. Another baby would have been unthinkable. And yet… Would Hardy have stayed if she had been pregnant? Ellie could not help the selfish part of her that stubbornly wished it had been different. It was stupid, utterly ridiculous and the one secret not even her therapist knew about. She was not grieving the loss of a child that had never been, she was grieving the loss of the only person who had been there for her; Alec Hardy.
Ellie still missed him. That had not changed or dulled even after two years and she could not help but feel melancholic on this special date, crying silent tears over the loss of something that never was. She had not lost, but gained something when the result had been negative. Rationally she knew it, but when was the heart ever rational?
Ellie sighed and wiped a traitorous tear from her cheek. It was getting late. Time had passed while she sat outside, lost in her thoughts. Across the sky a few defiant streaks of vibrant orange were still breaking up the shades of blue that darkened quickly from azure to cobalt and indigo. Blue and orange, right next to each other but never mixing. Much like herself and Hardy, she thought and shook her head as if the action would clear it.
Across the playing field her garden overlooked, Ellie saw a lone figure approaching, almost as if summoned by her imagination. It was too dark and too far away to make out any distinctive features. A tourist out on a late evening walk, maybe, but oddly, something about the silhouette reminded her of Hardy.
Ellie watched silently, transfixed, as the figure drew closer. It was a man. Tall and lean. The same build as her former boss and what looked like a mop of dark hair tousled by the soft breeze blowing inland. Ellie’s heart jumped into her throat as the man drew nearer and even in the fading light, she was able to see that he was wearing a suit. It was such a distinctive thing, so unusual and unsuited to a summer evening in their little coastal town that any doubt evaporated. Alec Hardy .
He stopped just a few yards from her garden gate as if he had somehow been able to feel the jolt that ran through Ellie at the realisation. Or maybe he had only just spotted her when she moved to stand by the old garden gate. He likely had not expected to come across her so suddenly, if at all, yet here they were, separated by mere feet and her withered garden fence.
He still looked very much the same, save for a few subtle changes. His hair was shorter, his clothes neater and not hanging off him so much, even though he was still skinny. There was a slight strength underneath now and he carried himself with the ease of someone quite healthy. His beard was still there and Ellie was secretly glad for it, as she could not imagine Alec clean shaven. It would look wrong on him.
“Miller.” Her name rolled deliciously off his tongue in that broad Scottish accent she had missed so much. There was no one who said her name quite like that and a tingle ran down Ellie’s spine at the sound.
Alec could not help a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth as he looked at her. She had not changed at all. Her hair was longer but everything else was just as he remembered. He had never been able to ban Ellie Miller from his mind entirely and even though Alec had never reached out, he had often thought of her. He had missed her, but he had not wanted to reopen old wounds by calling. Alec had been there when her life fell to pieces and could not shake feeling a strange ill-placed responsibility for it all. To learn that Ellie Miller was back as DS in Broadchurch Constabulary had brought a rare smile to his face. He had been right after all. She had managed what he had not. Reclaiming her life and fixing what had been broken. She had always been better at that than him.
“Hardy.” The sound was harsh, unforgiving and unfamiliar as Ellie said his name for the first time in two years. She had never talked of him to anyone even though he often occupied her mind. At first, she had still hoped he might call and ask how she was or to tell her about Sandbrook and his new old life there. When he did not, the anger had taken over and Ellie got on with her life just to spite him.
Some time after he left and his mobile number was no longer active, Ellie had even convinced herself that maybe it was not that he would not reach out, but that he could not. Maybe something had gone wrong with his heart after all and he had died. It made the sting of rejection a little easier to bear, but seeing him before her now, looking so much healthier than the last time she had seen him, redoubled the pain and anger. Without a word Ellie turned away from him and walked a few paces in the direction of her house. She did not go in though. With her back to him and darkness settling over them like a soft blanket, he at least could not see the relief that accumulated as wetness between her lashes.
“What are you doing here?” she asked into the darkness when the soft squeaking of her garden door sounded awkwardly loud in the evening air, telling her that he had come after her like so many times before.
“I’m…” Alec swallowed against the lump in his throat as he searched for the right words to explain. He had not expected to be confronted with the sight of her so suddenly, all by herself in her garden, and everything he had wanted to say sounded hollow and false in his head.
“I’m back here as DI. I start on Monday, but I thought it would be good to let you know.” His voice became unsteady at the end, drifting off as he realised that after two years without even a ‘how are you?’, this notion seemed almost laughable.
“It’s been two years,” Ellie whispered accusingly into the dusk around them, mirroring his thoughts as she took up her wine again. The memories came flooding back so suddenly and vividly that she felt dizzy for a moment. A shiver ran down her spine as she remembered how she had turned up on Alec’s doorstep, out of her mind with panic and feeling so utterly alone . She could still recall the smell of his shower gel and the feeling of his warm body wrapped around her when he held her that night. It seemed surreal now. As if it had been nothing but a dream.
Alec only hummed in response but Ellie immediately knew that there was no need to elaborate. The significance of the date was not lost on him. He had always had a mind for details after all.
“I thought of you,” Alec offered in a clumsy attempt to bridge the chasm that had opened up between them. It was to no avail. Silence stretched between them and Alec resisted the urge to fidget or show his discomfort in any way even though Ellie still had her back to him. He should head back home to Daisy. Maybe it had been a stupid idea to come back to Broadchurch in the first place. It was supposed to be a fresh start for him and his daughter but ever since they had crossed the border of the town Alec had been feeling restless and on edge. His uneasiness finally reached a breaking point when the sun began to set and he had told his daughter he would go for a walk and burn some of the excess energy. His feet had carried him past the blue shack and across the field to the Miller house, without him consciously deciding on the route. It was not until he saw the lone figure of Ellie sitting in the garden that he realised where his path led and felt stupid for not noticing sooner. It was the memory of her that had pulled him back to Broadchurch. It was only right that he felt the urge to make sure she was still where he expected her to be. Apparently, that was all that was left between them: memories and ghosts of the past. With a regretful sigh Alec turned to leave once more.
“I often thought what if it had been different news I got that morning,” Ellie admitted as she turned to look at his retreating back. Her voice was low and barely carried over the short distance but she could see that Hardy had heard as he stopped dead in his tracks. “Would you have stayed? If it had been?”
It was an unfair thing to ask of him, Ellie knew. Hardy had not abandoned her, but gone back to his daughter to rebuild a relationship with her. Their situations had not been so different from an outsider’s perspective, but she still felt hurt that he had left her stranded like that without bothering to check how she was doing.
Alec’s shoulders dropped as the familiar image of a family photograph flashed through his mind before he could snuff the thought. He had asked himself the same question many times. Each time his mind was torn between the loyalty and love he felt towards Daisy, and the protectiveness he felt towards Ellie. The morning they had woken up in his too narrow bed, wrapped around each other like lovers, was a recurring dream.
“Aye. But you didnae need me to. You’re strong, Ellie. You were always goin’ to be fine. I would have been more hindrance than help if I’d stayed and I needed to fix things with Daisy,” he breathed and turned back to her to flash her a brief half-smile.
He was right, Ellie knew. She was fine , but fine was not what she wanted. She wanted to be happy . Ever since Hardy had left, Ellie had felt a strange sense of grief accompanying her. She had left a part of her behind in the little blue shack that morning, when she had denied them both a proper goodbye.
“Did you? Fix things with Daisy?” Ellie asked and watched how Alec’s lips curled into another smile.
“She’s here with me,” he shared and happiness bubbled up inside Ellie's chest on his behalf. She was glad things had worked out for him. He deserved no less.
“That’s… good,” she said softly as her lips broke into a genuine smile.
“How are the boys? Tom and wee… Fred,” Alec asked with a sheepish smile as he deliberately paused before saying the name of her youngest. It still riled her up, he noted with delight.
“They’re good. Away on a weekend trip with Lucy and Olly,” Ellie replied and smiled at the familiar sneer that crossed his face at the mention of her nephew. Two could play that game.
Smalltalk had never been an easy thing for Alec to accomplish and the air between them was still charged with unresolved tension. He should probably go and leave it at that but something held him back. He had left her once, he did not want to do so again.
“Well, eh… I guess I’ll see you... at the station, on Monday,” Ellie babbled. She could feel the air becoming dense and heavy around them as they both stalled their inevitable goodbye.
“Ellie? Can I hug you?” Alec scrambled together every ounce of courage and held his breath as he waited for her reply. She did not say anything but her eyes spoke volumes and once again, it was Alec who had to take the first tentative step towards her. His heart was nearly beating out of his chest, pacemaker or not, as he bridged the few feet between them. It felt so much farther than just a couple of steps.
Careful, as one would approach a spooked animal, he wrapped his arms around her and gently pulled her into his arms. At first Ellie stiffened, but then all tension drained from her body and she tucked her head readily into the crook of his neck and set the wine glass down on a small side table next to them. Her arms came to rest tightly around his waist as they held each other. The familiar smell of his shower gel, which he had not changed in all these years, tickled her senses and Ellie buried her nose in the crisp cotton of his shirt to inhale the distinctive scent that was Alec.
Her heart was thrumming wildly beneath her ribs, but for the first time in years, Ellie felt calm as she synced her breathing to Alec’s and closed her eyes. She felt whole again, as if his hug had somehow managed to put all the broken pieces of her heart back together. She melted at the feel of his warm body against her and tentatively pressed even closer.
“Will you stay this time?” she asked timidly against his chest and felt his arms tighten around her body in answer.
“Aye, I’ll stay.” Hardy promised, holding onto her for a long time, while the first stars began to twinkle in the sky above them; and for the first time they both felt like they were exactly where they belonged.
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