Chapter Text
Chapter 2- All hands on table
Only 24 hours later and I’m already back in the car. Not to go back to college or anything.
That would be too convenient
I’m packed in the car with my family to go visit all of our cousins and aunts and uncles. If I was a bit of an odd one out over the years with my immediate family, I’m a certified weirdo with my extended family.
It’s not like I ever did anything, it’s more just what I didn’t do. I belong to a very sporty family, and it seems like I just never picked up that gene. I had my own hobbies, but they were never anything that overlapped with my cousins. Schoolwork is something, but most people don’t like talking about school that much on a holiday, and even beyond that I’m a good chunk younger than a lot of them. By the time I made it to college, most of them had already graduated and were off in the working world. Even then, when I went to college, I went a few states over, and no one else in the family was really close by.
As a result, I don’t really know these people that well. It’s harsh to say about people that you’ve theoretically been in the orbit of your entire life, but it’s true. Then a bunch of them got married, and that’s a whole other bunch of people that show up to family gatherings that I can barely recall the names of. I won’t pretend this is something I'm proud of. They’re not bad people or anything (as far as I know) it’s just hard for me to muster a connection with my cousins that I have very little in common with aside from having a shared ancestor.
At least it won’t be out of the ordinary if I’m awkward tonight.
...The fact that I was perpetually awkward and reclusive really is helping me out when keeping everything hidden huh? That’s… kinda sad.
Let’s try not to think depressing thoughts, don’t want to look sad for the family.
So… current situation. I’m crammed in the back of the family car as we drive down a bunch of backroads to make it to our uncle’s place. Mom and Dad took up front obviously while me and Theresa are crammed in back alongside the food we are contributing. My clothes are stiff, scratchy and dear God they do not feel good on my nipples right now.
It’s not like I can wear anything under the shirt to make it easier either. I have some sports bras at college courtesy of Sarah. I didn’t bring them home, because I didn’t think I needed to hide anything about my figure so far, and there was a risk my parents would find them if they ever looked through my clothes for whatever reason. In retrospect I really should have taken that risk, because my itchy nipples are far more likely to give me away than my parents searching every single pocket of my suitcase.
So I’m going to have to get through all of the gathering tonight with itchy nipples. Lucky me.
~~~
We’re here. I can’t hide behind my phone any longer. It’s time to face the music.
Said music being overplayed holiday music of course.
I get out and stretch for quite a bit. I really was not eager to get back in the car for as much as it was a brief respite from family awkwardness.
The winter air is cold, so we move fast to the door. It doesn’t take long before the doorbell is rung and answered.
“Hey hey! How are the inferior Bourkes doing?” Uncle Charles answers.
Dad answers his brother in kind “Quite well actually, much better than the Bourkes’ they have down here.”
Uncle Charles gets a sly grin in response to his brother’s posturing that I don’t understand. I don’t get this seeming need to insult the people you like. Maybe it’s a male thing? I dunno.
“Well then, let’s get you all inside so we can see if that’s all true” Uncle Charles replies, before moving out of the way to let us all in. We all oblige as quickly as we can so we can move onto the rest of the
inspections
greetings. We all throw our coats on a random chair before moving in to see the rest of the family.
It doesn’t seem like we got the whole crowd. Only two other branches of the family tree on my dad’s side have shown up. That’s only… a dozen or so people who could potentially figure me out? Give or take a few depending on whose partners showed up or who are spending this evening with their partner’s family.
I’m sure all this worrying is doing wonders for my heart.
We head into the kitchen to meet with everyone. The first one I can recognize is Aunt Caroline who immediately goes down the row of our family and envelopes us each in turn.
Ow. Once again people continue crushing my growing chest. At least the pain means stuff is happening right? That’s a silver lining. Being trans makes you take joy in some weird things.
After giving us a hug, Aunt Caroline looks us all over before focusing on me and Theresa.
“Look at you two, you’ve grown so much since I last saw you. You’re so cute,” She coos over us. I know it’s more because we’re the babies of the family, and not because I look particularly feminine right now, but I will take anything I can get.
Dad chides her “Carol, enough.”
“Yes, yes they’re very handsome and beautiful young adults now.” she waves him off.
One of my cousins speaks up from off to the side. “I dunno, Richie still looks like he could fit as an early high schooler, puberty really is taking it’s time on you my guy”
Panic. Panic. Not good.
I suppose it makes sense. I was always a bit of a late bloomer before I started transitioning, and late puberty makes for a more natural connection to pop into people's heads than what’s actually going on. It still means that people can notice me though. On the one hand, I can take solace in the fact that the hormones are having an effect. On the other hand, oh no. People can tell.
I turn to take a look at the cousin. I can recognize him as Dylan, but I’m still momentarily shocked. Holy shit, what happened to him. The guy is massive . Not even just tall. He’s broad and muscular too. I remember when we used to look pretty similar back in the day. Looking at him right now is like looking at a cursed mirror that shows you your worst possible outcome. THough
“Dang dude when did you get so big?” I ask while dumbfounded.
He grins “Been working out a lot. What, you want some advice?”
I snort “Have you ever known me to be a physical person?”
“Not really, but I figured I’d ask. People change and I haven't seen you for a while.”
“Thanks for the offer, but I'll pass,” I reply.
“Cool cool. The hair’s new though. What’s up with that?” he inquires.
Yeah, it makes sense that he’d notice that. My hair isn’t exactly prone to being subtle. It’s very curly, and is prone to declaring rebellion against the laws of gravity. Supposedly it will be better when it grows longer and more hair can weigh the whole mess down, but for now it just kinda poofs out wherever it wants. It’s not a look I’m fond of and it’s basically the reason I was never able to experiment with growing out longer hair before this. Like with everything else with my body. I’m making changes now in the hope that they will pay off in the future. That’s all I can do. Hope
“Yeah, just haven’t gotten around to cutting it for a while, and apparently that means it does this.”
“Been that busy?”
“Yeah, classes were a thing, and who knows I might end up just keeping it longer just to see how I like it,” I answer.
“Got any ideas of how long?”
I shrug “I dunno, I’ll see how it ends up. Worst case scenario, I hate it and cut it all off.”
That’s of course not the actual answer, but answering that I want it as long as I can get it is going to raise suspicions..
“Huh, good luck I guess.”
With that, the topics shifted, and I drifted off to my sanctuary in family parties like these. The snack bar.
Look I’m a growing girl, I’m gonna need the material.
~~~
As the christmas party settles in the rest of the family shows up leading to that whole song and dance repeating a few times. I got a few more comments on my hair, but nothing I haven’t seen before. At this point I really do have to question if I was worrying about things too much. Perhaps I was worrying too much about everything.
It’s not like that would be out of the ordinary for me. I’ve been seriously prone to over worrying about things in the past. When I first met Sarah, I was terrified I was going to say something weird and just come across as a creepy guy.
Funny how that one turned out.
With that I feel like I can finally take the opportunity to relax a bit. I don’t have to treat this like a spy movie, where every word is an opportunity to expose myself. If anything, worrying is more likely to give me away as Dad taught me last night.
I take another bite out of my bounty from the snack bar, and lean back. If nothing else, this branch of the family is in possession of a very comfy couch.
Unfortunately for my appreciation of the couch uncle Charles decides to spark up a conversation. “Hey little Richie, how've you been doing? College treating you well?”
I know he’s trying to tease me by calling me little. Hah! Jokes on him. I’m happy about that these days.
“Yeah, things have been going pretty well. One of my classes was a bit rough this semester but I got through it.”
I continue with the obligatory follow-up “How’ve you been, it’s been a while.”
I’m happy to hear him talk about his law job for a bit, but my thoughts on this conversation are very rudely interrupted.
Oh god my right nipple is on fire right now.
Not literally (though you could have fooled me), but it feels like there’s ants crawling underneath my skin and I desperately want to scratch it. I’m desperately holding on trying to keep a straight face.
Hold on….
Just a bit.
Longer!
I need to get out, hopefully he doesn’t think I’m rude for this.
“Hey Uncle Charlie, it’s really cool that the case has been going so well. Unfortunately I REALLY need to go to the bathroom all of a sudden. Do you mind if we resume this after I come back.”
“Oh yeah, sure. Do you remember where it is?”
“Yeah thanks.” I sputter out as I speedwalk my way to the bathroom. The second I get inside I lock the door and rip my shirt off. The relief is palpable. It’s like someone just poured cold water over a burn.
You know when I said I hate wearing this kind of stuff, I wasn’t thinking about being literal pain.
~~~
Aunt Caroline’s enthusiastic calls for dinner mark the end of the meandering and gossipping phase of the evening. Instead it was now time to begin the sitting and gossiping phase. I find an open seat at the table and grab a plate before heading back into the kitchen.
I take a step back and wait a bit for it. It’s ladies first for the food at holidays, and I unfortunately am not recognized as one of the ladies, and need to wait to grab food with the menfolk of the family. It’s not a big deal, it's just …ugh.
It only takes a bit before I can grab some food and make it back to the table. I’m hoping I can just sit and eat my food quietly without it being too inconspicuous
I don’t make it long.
One of my older cousins speaks up. “So… Richard, Jacob has his wedding this spring. Any idea when it’s going to be your turn?”
Ah, romance. Apparently people REALLY like inquiring about it to me. It’s been the wedding decade for a few years now in this family. All the older cousins are getting married one after the other.
Meanwhile I’ve never even had a girlfriend before.
I’m not toxic or anything, it’s more just that I’ve never tried.
The whole process of dating just felt intensely uncomfortable to me. It’s basically advertising yourself to potential matches, and it just felt wrong to do that. If I couldn’t like myself, how could I present that picture as the summary to anyone else in good conscience? It feels like lying, and I don’t want to disrespect any potential partner by starting out on a foundation of deception.
This is one of many aspects of my life that makes a lot more sense now that I’ve cracked.
I’m not opposed to the concept. Girls are indeed very pretty, and my least favorite organ is not shy in asserting its existence. At this point, I think I’d just rather date someone as myself, than having this awkward shell getting in the way.
Could you call that procrastinating? Maybe, but at least it’s a more concrete benchmark than just “when I stop hating myself.”
“Don’t expect me anytime soon, still an awkward mess around girls. You’ll probably have to rely on Eli to fill your wedding addiction for the next few years.”
That gets some light chuckles from the rest of the family. Is it enough to avert attention?
“Eh, it’s not that hard. You clean up after yourself better than most computing students I've seen. So you’ve got to at least look better by comparison.”
“I don’t really do much, just take a shower most days.”
“That’s better than most compsci students I’ve seen.”
I am suddenly reminded by the foul stench that pervades many of the students in the computing building. Many of my colleagues find the concept of personal hygiene more repulsive than the stench. I can’t understand them. Seriously people, it’s not that hard! Hot showers feel amazing (especially with estrogen softening your skin)!
“...You have a point,” I sigh
Some slight chuckles erupt from the rest of the table. I may not be dodging every stereotype of my major, but at least I’m dodging that one.
From here the conversation drifts away from me and the areas where I feel I have the knowledge to comment on. I hear about Adrian’s girlfriend who I’m just learning about for the first time and how her work is giving her trouble.I hear about how Dylan is looking into housing in a certain part of the city that I’m not familiar with. Alongside that there’s all the family gossip.
It’s not bad stuff or anything. I’m not hearing about how someone is dealing drugs, or how they’re stuck in a messy divorce. It’s all normal family stuff.
Just from a family I don’t feel like I’m not a part of.
I’m reminded of the time at the family reunion when I was younger. Our section of the family had scheduled two activities for the day. Golf and going clothes shopping at the Mall. I never got into golf like my male relatives did. Golf is stereotypically the middle aged office manager sport but it was surprisingly popular among my family even among the younger generations. I never really got into it though. I could never get the hang of making the ball do anything except roll along the ground at a faster pace, and the all-afternoon nature of the game just kinda bored me. There’s nothing wrong with it or anything. I’m not about to go on an anti-golf crusade anytime soon. It just wasn’t something I had any interest in.
So golf was out. So I get to go look at pretty clothes right?
Nope, I was a boy (so they thought), and my distaste for clothing (of the male variety at least) was well known. I had my comfy sweats, and I was fine with that (at the time). Why bother putting in the effort if I didn’t care about my appearance. So all that would happen was me getting dragged around while my female relatives try on various outfits all afternoon. Little did they know, I probably would have enjoyed it if I was allowed to actually participate and not just sit on the sidelines.
So in the end, when faced with the grand divide. What did I get to end up doing?
I stayed in the hotel room.
I didn’t fit in one of two clean categories, so I just fell through the cracks of the family.
It’s a question if I ever stopped.
No one says anything about me. I’m not a laughingstock of the family or anything.
I’m just there once or twice a year, and then I disappear off into my own world.
I don’t really know these people, and they don’t know me.
That’s not how it’s supposed to work, but it’s how it has worked for me for so long.
…Should I just go stealth?
Pack up everything and move far away where no one knows me. Cut off all contact and pretend to be a new person, a new woman. It’s not like people here would miss me.
No, I shouldn’t. I can’t just run away from my problems. That’s the attitude that got me this far in life without figuring myself out.
Still doesn’t make the idea unappealing though.
~~~
1 hour 43 minutes and 13 seconds later it’s over. We're home again, and I can let go of the breath I've been holding. I eagerly stumble my way out of the car and into the house. This has been a long night.
The rest of the family follows me in swift fashion. Even for the social butterflies of the family, it's been a long night. It's also pretty late for my parents, so they're heading off to bed soon. Jacob is also going to be staying in his old room for the night since it's a bit of a commute to where he lives these days.
The worst of this is over for now. I'm solidly past the big events. From here I can just coast until I head back to college in a few days.
Though the attention I've gotten tonight does make me question if I should consider adjusting my timeline on this. People aren't noticing that I'm feminine per se, but there's been a few notes that I don't look like the college boy they think I am. That's definitely something to keep in mind. Whether or not they connect the dots is a separate question. Most of my family probably haven't ever even met a trans person (or at least not one they know was trans). They don't know the signs, and it's not a consistent presence in their mind like it is for me. So I think I have that going for me. But at the same time, the more signs they notice that something is off, the odds get greater and greater that someone can connect the dots.
I guess I'll have to talk with Sarah about it when I get back. She's been invaluable in giving me advice on the topic based on her own transition, and it might be good to ask about this. Though I probably should try to get her something. I owe her a ton.
My thoughts on the topic of what I should try to get for Sarah are interrupted when I feel a tapping on my shoulder.
“Yeah dad-” I start before turning around to see someone who was definitely not my dad (despite the similarities).
“Oh uh... hi Jacob.” I greet my older brother, trying to keep the nervousness out of my voice.
“Hey Richard, can we talk?” He asks.
I can't read his tone, but the alarms in my head are blaring at code red. I need to calm down, don't let anything show. The more nervous I am, the more he might suspect something's up.
“Uh... sure. Anywhere in particular?” I ask, in a (hopefully) flat voice.
“Let's go to my room, so we aren't getting in anyone's way.”
“Sounds good,” I reply as I follow him up the stairs
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He wants to do this in private. Not good, Why else would he want to do this in private? He knows. He knows. He knows.
What's his angle here? Did he figure me out, and is keeping respectfully quiet? Or does he want to attack me? He's not the kind of person to be violent towards queer people (I think). Does he not know all the signs and has just noticed that this has gone beyond late puberty and is asking if I'm okay without letting the family know?
My mind is racing a mile a minute as each step on the stairs feels like an eternity.
Despite my best requests to any divine power, I cannot delay this meeting and I am forced to confront it.
Once we get inside, my brother shuts the door and turns around to face me awkwardly. That's a good sign. I think? He's not immediately showing rage at least.
It takes a bit but eventually he does speak up.
“Hey so, I know we haven't always been the closest.”
“...yeah”
“I'm not here to interrogate that stuff or anything, that stuff is all in the past. I'm just thinking about what to do going forward, despite what happened in the past, you are still my brother, and I do want to be a family.”
Nope, not your brother, but we are still family (for now, I love having that guillotine hanging in the future). That being said, this conversation isn't going in the direction I thought it would. He hasn't brought up my appearance, or me being different once. Is that not what this is about? Did I just panic over nothing?
“Okay...”
He takes a deep breath. He's building up to something big.
“So... as my brother. Would you be a groomsman in my wedding?”
A groomsman?!
Me?!
I'm not even a man! I'm even planning on scraping away even more of the remnants of that lie by the time the wedding is due in spring.
But I have to.
It would be incredibly rude to my brother to say no to this without a good reason, and I can't tell him my reason why. Refusing would only serve to hurt my brother and put a ton of attention onto me I can't afford.
And if I want to actually try to hold onto my relationship with my family after all this, I need to try to put in the effort.
I have to do this.
“Absolutely Jacob. I would be happy to.”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH