Chapter Text
Kate twisted her fingers as the silence was starting to suffocate her as she sniffled every once in a while. Her ears burned and her eyes felt dry from all the crying that has finally subsided though the warmth coming from her hands didn’t cease. No, it was constant enough to ground her for it felt like a …
Safe Haven Kate could hear Noah’s voice coo in her mind, but she shouldn’t trust it for she didn’t deserve it at all. Not after what she let happen.
“Hey,” She felt a little nudge before her mind began spiralling once more. “What’s going on in that head of yours?” She thought about the question, but she is unsure if she felt safe enough to say anything. “You can trust me,” Kate’s heart dropped when she heard those words. She thought that she had conditioned herself not to react under any circumstances, but she was proven wrong once more.
She watched and felt without any resistance her gaze moving from the blankets to a pair of eyes that looked so torn, sad, and concerning. It made her sick to know that she was the reason why her one and only friend was looking at her like this.
“I’m sorry,” Was all Kate could say as no matter how many words she can stitch up together it’ll never provide the justice that Lucy, Jane, Michael, Casper, or anyone who crossed paths with her deserved. “It’s my fault,” Kate choked up as she shouldn’t be alive right now. She accepted her death in an unmarked grave wherever she was placed. She didn’t expect anyone to find her just like the other ghosts that accompanied her in that cell.
“No, it’s not,” Jane responded as she pulled Kate into her embrace. Kate was too tired and weak to push her away. “The fault lies in me, the team, and everyone else who has wronged you,” Kate didn’t understand what Jane meant with these words.
“I-I couldn’t finish the mission,” Kate shook her head at the small glimmer of an out that was shown to her. “I swore an oath to protect this country. No matter the cost,” She started to reason.
And yet you failed. A thought intruded in her already chaotic mind.
“We all did Kate, but you have to understand that you are also a part of that country.” Jane pushed Kate to prove how serious she was being. “Plus, you know the team well enough that we prioritize feelings and family more than anything. You’re no exception to that rule.”
Kate merely smiled at Jane. Was it the same one she used to pacify the higher-ups whenever NCIS walked over the red tape? Was it the one she gave when she was being tortured? Or possible the same one she would give her mother? Perhaps it was the rare ones that was shared in those small moments of vulnerability. Kate wondered to herself. If it was any of those Jane never said anything about it.
After all, everyone drops their masks sooner or later… So, Kate resigned herself to whatever was awaiting her. Will she float or be abandoned to drown all over again.
Kate couldn’t stop the feeling of helplessness wash over her as she stared at her colleague from a mere 3 meters away. All those inflicted wounds albeit small but still enough to cause harm. Her throat felt like sandpaper from all the begging and screaming she had previously done. He wouldn’t listen though. Just humming away with a chuckle at her own misery. She even offered her own life to him, but it only got her a smack to the face.
“No no no, don't beg.” He seemed agitated at Kate's antics. “You can't be self-sacrificing when you've been silent this entire time. That’s not the version I want you to show me. I know you can do better than that.” He cradled Kate’s face and forced her to look at him in the eyes. “Don’t you worry, my dearest, we have all the time in the world to get to know each other.” Kate swore that she could hear content in his tone, and it made her all the more fearful at what he has next for them. “I wonder how long you’ll last.” He laughed as Kate watched him leave the room. To be left alone once again to witness her bleeding comrade.
Kate jolted awake from her slumber. Plagued with the memories of what went on and riddled with guilt. She thought she was safe, but that wasn’t the case. Now that nothing else was occupying her mind, some part of her kept drifting to her encounters with him. She gritted her teeth as she could still feel his touch and hear his words slither under her skin as if he was presently with her.
“I love the way you all bravely behave towards each other. It’s so delicious how you all put up this bravado only to scream out in pain moments later. I wonder what your breaking face will look like.” His eyes shined with excitement as his mouth was trying to suppress his smile, and it ran chills down Kate’s spine. She knew that he was revelling in this moment. Basking and drinking in all of her expressions, reactions, movements, and whatever tickled his nerves. “How much longer will you last? It better not be soon; you haven’t entertained me enough.”
“And if I were to succumb to my injuries, what then?” Kate taunted as she knew they were keeping her alive for some reason. She was the one who had the power not her torturer. He seemed too amused to have a toy to play with rather than extracting information. She had nothing left to lose. Her face was immediately grabbed and pulled towards his.
“I!” He shouted before Kate witnessed how the fury in his eyes began to dim and his facial features softened. A practiced motion that seemed to be perfected just… like hers. Her eyes widened at that small realization. There should be no way that they are similar. “Will not allow you to die. Not when you haven’t provided me with everything.” He kept his tone even and slow as if he didn’t have that build of rage before. “Besides…” He smiled and Kate saw his smile lines at his eyes wrinkled that suggested he saw something in her. “I want to know what you just realized,”
“I’d rather die than tell you,” Kate spat on him, and he easily let her go to wipe it off. However, instead of being disgusted or furious with her. He was amused at her antics.
“Remember this, Anne, if that is your real name. I get to choose if you live or die. I’ve done this enough times to know when someone is almost on the verge of death. I know enough to bring them back from crossing that threshold. So, mark my words,” He made sure his gaze was pointed downward on her. To exert power over the situation. “For this is just the beginning.”
She realized that he had taken a liking to her, but she didn’t understand what made her so special. No one else in her life took notice so why would he be the same. No matter how many times she wrecked her brain nothing would come to mind.
She waited for so many days until she was wheeled into the room and the sounds of a cheerful hum echoed closer to where she sat.
“When I was young, I didn’t lack anything in the world,” He started as he slowly checked all the latches on the chair that suppressed Kate from running. He gently caressed the skin full of injuries and bruises that splayed all over her arms. “My parents would give me anything I demanded but as time went on just simply possessing the items was getting so boring. I wanted excitement. Thrilll. Adrenaline. Anything that I can get my hands to get closer to…” He pauses. “I believe most people call it happiness?” He chuckled as he roughly put pressure on Kate’s wound making her try to silence her groan which only gave him satisfaction. “I tried really. You’d have no idea how much I wanted to conform to the human beings that are content with living a comfortable life and placing that happiness tag on it. Once you’ve enjoyed all of the tastes the physical world has to offer, you’ll start looking for… a new taste that is… how can one put it easily… out of this world, so to speak.” His lips curled into a smirk that gave her spine chills as it didn’t help that his head was angled enough that his smile was almost parallel to his body. “You see, I’ve gotten too bored with the repetition of hearing the sounds an animal makes. There is nothing new about them.” He waved his hand as if he was done trying to entertain that insignificant idea that floated in his mind. “Humans, however,” He straightened himself up and left the room for a moment. Kate struggled in her restraints hoping that he messed up with the bindings so she can escape. To try and get help until he came back rolling Lilith who was passed out in a similar chair like hers.
“Lilith!” She called out as she pulled harder. She needed to know her condition as she needed to prepare herself for another death. She couldn’t break in front of him. She could only watch as Lilith was positioned in front of her.
He placed a hand on the slumped figure of Lilith’s shoulder. “They are more complex than that with all those emotions and feelings that drive them to do…” He pauses as he glides over to his table and pulls up a needle. He comes back to Lilith’s side and slowly pushes it in her arm enough for her to jerk back and scream. “Unthinkable things.”
Kate could see the dreamy look on his face as the gleam of greed started oozing out of his tone the more he talked.
“Just imagine this…” He pulled up a chair in front of Kate while he was still grinning. “Stroking the fires of hope or whatever is making you all tight-lipped whenever it's burning low. Just so I can keep simmering all of you in a stock of despair.” He licked his lips as Kate knew he was thoroughly enjoying whatever he was doing to them.
How many times has he done this to all of his victims? How many times has he danced this dance for it to become a routine, if not a ritual, at this point?
“I’ve been wondering what your deepest desire is… what must I rob you of to enjoy a look of remorse and despair on your face? But I give up, because you are just like me. There is a bottomless void in your heart… ahaha.” Insanity ever so present in his eyes. His one hand covered his eyes as he laughed for a moment as if the last string of his mental state had finally snapped. “You just made everything much more entertaining. Anne. It’ll be my greatest pleasure to rip all those masks off if it’s the last thing I’ll do.”
Kate covered her mouth, fearing that she might vomit what little food and fluids she had in her body. She could still hear his laughter echoing in her ears. She needed a place to hide. To get to safety. When was the last time she was safe?
Noah. Noah was her safe place. Where was Noah? Until she remembered that when she received the news of Noah’s death. So, she became desperate to have a part of him near her, in any shape or form.
The ring. The one thing Noah gave her before he went off to the Army. If Noah wasn’t in the world, then the ring should suffice. Before she could look for the jade ring Jane had given back to her, it seemed that the universe didn’t want to grant any salvation for her. Instead, it had blessed her with the cruellest person of them all.
“Oh good, you’re awake,” Kate’s heart stopped at the voice that entered the room. It was one misfortune after another, but then again, she should have expected it because there was never a dull moment in her life. Why should it start now?
“Unfortunately,” Kate bit back as she gripped the bed sheets to try and make herself look calmer than her current mental state.
“Watch your tone!” The voice snapped sharply, and Kate felt like she made no attempts to show any emotion or weakness in front of the person who she still calls mother. “This is not how you talk to your elders much less your own parent.”
“And this is not a reaction from a parent who is visiting their injured child much less someone who was recently declared dead,” Kate responded in her usual work persona. It was easier to deal with her mother and deal with the pain of it when no one was around.
“Spare me that pathetic attempt to gain sympathy from me,” Kate watched her mother straighten up her back but the disgust on her face never left. “You had one job to do and couldn’t even do that properly.” She scoffed. “I always told you that you would break everything you touch. Look at the mess you brought in.” She complained as she started to fully enter the room as if she owned the place.
“My job is only to protect and serve this country.” Kate stated as she always has in front of numerous people while Lucy’s words to her about feelings floated in her mind. She found it fitting that even when her own flesh and blood was in front of her, she didn’t even crumble. “I volunteered to be a sacrifice to help this country, and it is up to them to see if they would like to rescue me. If you have a problem with it then take it to my boss,” Kate cooly said as her words rung true. She had never asked anyone to save her. She knew all the risks that came with the operation, but her mother will never get the satisfaction of knowing that she was dragged to participate in it. She wouldn’t quench the burning fire of hatred that has been festering for far too long.
“You sacrificed?” She could hear the disbelief in her tone as she watched her come closer to the bed. “What about me? Haven’t I sacrificed enough for you?!” Kate’s mother shrilled as it echoed around the hospital room. Kate merely observed the twitch in her mother’s mouth and the veins slowly rising on her face and neck. All making her remember her time back in the prison cell. Back with him and his lessons.
“I should be asking you that.” Kate folded her hands on her lap as she took in her shouts once more as always. She could count multiple times she had to endure just to make her family happy.
“You sacrificed yourself?” She laughed at the questions presented and it made Kate shake in anxiety. She didn’t know how to compose herself in front of her mother. Kate watched her mother come closer to her and she did nothing to stop as her face was grabbed. “You’re merely making up for the fact that Noah died. His death is on your hands.”
“My hands? Noah’s choices were his and his alone. Can’t say the same for you, though,” Kate laughed at her mother’s words and the audacity of her accusations. She laughed at no matter how much of her life was painted, bathed, and tainted in tragedy, her rock bottom hasn’t hit her even close. “I wonder how dirty your hands are,”
“I didn’t touch you,” There was a growl in her voice as Kate looked at her with indifference as she shoved her face to the side. “Everything you have done was by your choice. I had done nothing to you,” “ She continued with her head held high as if she was superior to her as always.
“Done nothing to me…” Kate chuckled in defeat. That response made her mother stay silent. “Do you know,” How many versions of myself I have killed just for you? To get a crumb of affection you showed Noah. Kate’s voice choked as she didn’t want to voice the truth that was staring at her for so long. What was the use of her pouring out to someone who will never care for her. “Anything about me?” She had asked instead. “Do you know that” She trailed trying to find the suitable words without going on a monologue. I first killed myself in silence just so no one would find out what happens inside our household. I eliminated the version that wanted to be acknowledged because too much attention on me would cause you too many problems. Murdered the one who wanted to be seen so I didn’t have to see those disappointing topped off with disgust in your eyes. Executed the little girl who waited for either parent to love her because that day will never come. Slaughtered the resilient child who kept hoping for things to get better because in the end it’ll never come. All those deaths have and will forever be on your hands. She looked at her eyes wondering how she would react. “I did everything you asked and yet still received criticism. Nothing I seem to do will make you happy.”
“And there you go again, being so selfish, passing all the blame to me. I didn’t make you do anything. You kept messing around and getting in trouble,” Kate only shook her head at her mother’s casual dismissal. There was never a day where the fault lies in her mother.
“The only thing I messed up was having anyone inform you of my situation. Trust me, you being here isn’t what I want either.” She dismissed with gritted teeth. She had long given up on having a relationship with her mother. Having this conversation was merely to send closure to her heart.
“What I want?” Kate frowned, hearing her mother scoff. “I wanted my baby boy to be here instead of you. Nothing you can do is going to make that difference.” Kate only looked blankly at the person who was supposedly her mother.
“You don’t think I know that?” Kate sharply retorted as her chest ached knowing that no matter how many times, she picks up her phone, writes a letter, or opens a door her beloved brother isn’t there to greet her.
“I think that’s enough,” A sharp voice intruded into the heated conversation revealing Jane Tenant with a stoic look on her face.
“Oh my,” Kate felt disgust as she watched her mother compose herself all for appearances sake. “Was my daughter being a nuisance in this hospital?” She faked gasped as she deliberately shifted all the blame onto Kate. “I taught her better than that,” She could see the glint in her eyes that dared Kate to rebel.
“Actually, I came to visit a friend only to find someone who is not authorized in this room.” Jane entered the room while Kate didn’t mention anything, only watching the scene unfold before her.
“The patient in this room is my daughter. I’m deeply concerned for her well-being, especially when it’s the hospital that gives you the news. It hurts to know that my own daughter wouldn’t tell me something tragic happened to her.” She explained but it didn’t seem to faze Jane at all.
“That’s odd. The hospital is under strict orders not to call anyone unless permitted so.” Jane crossed her arms. “It’s for the safety of the patient considering the circumstances and all. So, I’ll ask you and hope that you’ll cooperate with me. Who was it that told you about the patient residing in this room?” Kate had witnessed Jane’s protectiveness over her team countless times whenever they worked together but not once was it for her. She had to wonder what had changed unless… it was all for work and it all clicked into place.
“What would the public say if I didn’t visit my daughter?” She sputtered as she tried to keep her pride up. Kate’s mother’s words seemed to have sparked a reaction from Jane as she started to frown, and her tone was harsher than necessary.
“I believe you have overstayed your welcome, Mrs. Whistler.” Jane smiled, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. She stressed her words with implications in her tone that it was for certain public’s sake.
“My daughter needs me by her side. You’ve seen her condition right now. She needs someone in her corner right now, and all these guards are too stuffy for her. She would rather have a familiar one than seeing all these strangers,” She added a sweet tone when talking to Jane, and Kate hated how easily it was for her mother to slip on their social facade to the world. It was her usual tactic to show the doting mother for appearances sake. Kate knew for certain that if she successfully drives Jane out, she’ll be in for another lecture or possibly a threat. There are plenty of things in this room for her to use on me. It’s not like another injury to my body will damage me further. Kate thought while she remained silent. “Give me a reason as to why I have to be sent away from her,”
“You are the sole reason why she isn’t recovering from whatever emotional turmoil I just so happen to hear. So, I kindly suggest you leave before I inform security that you are interfering with her recovery.” Jane gave her a professional smile and took a sidestep to gesture to Kate’s mother at the exit.
From what Kate could tell, her mother must have felt incredibly embarrassed to be put in her place by someone who wasn’t in a high position of political nor social power. She wondered what her actions would do and something sparked inside her. Reminding her of the one person she didn’t want to think about. Kate’s mother spun around to look at Kate. She could see the fire in her eyes that was barely withholding the anger. She feigned looking at her phone and back at Kate.
“It seems that I’m needed elsewhere. If you ever need anything, call me.” She turned to walked out of the room but not before giving a once-over to Jane as if she was sizing up to her next opponent for next time.
Jane watched as the woman who claimed herself as Kate’s mother left the room. She trained her eyes at the door in case Kate’s mother came back to cause another scene. Even recalling the scene before she entered the room brought a pang to her heart.
Mom instincts… how long do they last? Jane’s brain tugged that memory forward as she heard Kate pour her heart out. Someone desperate for the love and affection from her parents. Jane also wondered how long did it last with Kate’s family. She couldn’t fathom what Kate has been through even with her time back in the CIA.
“You don’t have to continue to visit me, Jane,” Kate’s voice broke Jane out of her thoughts. “My recovery progress has been smooth, and I’ve heard that physical therapy is coming up shortly,” She continued to update her as if she was giving Jane her rundown like an assignment.
“I’m not here for a status report. I’m merely visiting a friend who was badly hurt on the job.” Jane replied as she walked to the chair that was placed next to Kate’s hospital bed.
“And the ones who didn’t make it,” Kate asked as she needed to know that she wasn’t the only one who had escaped.
“They have been recovered from the bunker, though, you did miss their funerals.” Jane didn’t know if she should reach out to Kate to give her a comforting hand, but she still tried. The moment that she places her hand on Kate’s shoulder she could feel the flinch from the contact. It didn’t make Jane remove her hand as she wanted Kate to know that she’ll be there from now on.
“That is fine,” Kate slowly retreated into herself. She had prepared herself of not bidding them a farewell. She could comfort herself of being there for their final moment and no one could take that from her.
Jane wanted to say something to her, but it was cut off by a knock on the door. Kate gave her a puzzled look silently asking if she was the one expecting visitors. Jane only shook her head.
“Come in,” Jane called as if she was the one who was residing in the room. The door slid open though the figure didn’t enter the room immediately.
“Hey,” He poked his head in before fully entering the room as if he was assessing the atmosphere in the room. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything. I heard that you were back and just had to verify it.” Special Agent in Charge Michael Curtis rubbed his neck and then sniffled. Kate also felt her nose sour seeing her former boss in front of her. Even if they didn’t have that many interactions, he was still there trying to stop all of it from happening. “I believe a welcome back is in order. You’ve been deeply missed, especially when you flaked out on the FBI barbecue,” He lightly added a joke to ease the tension, and it just hit Kate all at once.
She could remember that he would stay behind in the office, reading book after book to find a sliver of a loophole and the tiresome nights of them slowly bouncing ideas off each other only to come up with nothing. She can vividly remember their last encounter. So little words were said and yet everything had been told in silence. He was there offering her comfort in the silence while the unfortunate events loomed over her.
“I’m back,” She choked out and she didn’t see nor hear him rush to her bed.
“Hey, I only meant it as a joke,” He reassured as she could feel the warmth exuding from his hand, cautiously hovering at her back until it finally made contact. “Come now, no matter how many barbeques are going to be hosted. It’s not going to feel the same without you.” He comforted.
Jane had watched Kate and Michael chat about anything but the mission. Sometimes there were bouts of silence between them, and yet there was no awkwardness between them. It was comforting, and nothing about Kate’s posture suggested that she was nervous.
At some point, Lucy had joined the room just to visit but didn’t want to ruin the moment between Kate and Micheal. So, Jane and Lucy stood in silence watching the two discuss about the logistics of Kate being back and how all the paperwork was going to be handled.
She looked at both of them with a hint of regret. This was what was supposed to happen with her team. Where Kate wasn’t so guarded to them and she can safely let out her opinions without anyone complaining or yelling at her. She had a glimpse of the Kate that was outside the office, and she wanted the team to see that as well. With that resolution in mind, she started thinking of ways to make amends.
“We have to make things right,” Jane heard Lucy softly whisper. She turned her head to look at Lucy who was still fixated on Kate. She softly motioned Lucy to go out of the room so they could privately chat without Kate or Michael to eavesdrop on them.
“I know, Lucy but these things take time,” Jane tried to sooth Lucy as she can see the gears turning to make amends. “We can’t charge in and hope for the best. We have to be smart in our approach.”
“But look at Kate right now. All of her misfortune…” Lucy cracked up and Jane could see that it was eating her up inside.
“Lucy… you and I both know that misfortune is all around us that it’ll simply be labelled as ordinary to others. The only reason why we find this one special is because we have a deeper connection to Kate. We just need to show her that all this misfortune doesn’t always have to end in more misfortune. Can you do that?” Jane asked as she watched Lucy still glancing at the room where Kate resided.
“How soon can we start?” Lucy answered with her own question which gave Jane all the answers she needed.