Chapter Text
Harry does not point out the girl with blue and green hair standing in front of the stage, but they both stare at each other for a long moment, both knowing without even speaking it aloud.
She knows and so does he. Her generous smile shows that she won’t be going around revealing anything he is not ready for, so it does not matter too much in the end. He winks at her.
He has grown so used to performing he swears he could do it while asleep, and maybe that would feel better than performing when he is exhausted.
The audience doesn’t look any different from the other ones he has already seen. Lots of color–specifically pink–is littered throughout the hundreds of people crammed closely together, there are pride flags and corny signs being held up, obstructing a number of people’s views.
It is his normal to do this.
The less normal part would have to be Louis Tomlinson standing in the VIP section. He tries to keep his eyes far away from that sector so as to not give away where Louis was standing or to start up any new rumors about their relationship.
Though, they would not be far from the truth, but the crowd does not need anymore hints as to whether or not they have rekindled their relationship. He has been living his life with ignorance, pretending all of the articles and pictures from the date the pair had shared simply do not exist.
That is not the happiest way for him to go about it but he chose it as the safest option. Better to be safe than sorry, right?
Part of him feels guilty, though he would never admit it. He saw the way Louis’s face had lit up with excitement at the thought of admitting their real relationship, he could not miss it. He knows that keeping it all a secret takes that specific joy away from Louis and that is something he will never not feel like total shit about.
There is a lot of fear that goes through Harry’s mind whenever he realizes that he might have to be open about his feelings to bring Louis the happiness he has longed for. The fear that they repeat their previous mistakes.
It is scary, to say the least.
Nobody will ever know how Harry felt that very day in 2015, that very day when they had ended their relationship for good. He wonders partially if he had just turned around, undid his reaction, where would they be now?
Would they still be stuck just as they were when they had come to terms with the fact that it needed to end?
It is a constant loop of questions he can’t find the answers to. Maybe if he had given himself more time to think about it all instead of just jumping right back into a relationship from a decade ago.
But he loves every second he has with Louis so fucking much.
He searches the crowd for a familiar pair of blue eyes, and it doesn’t take him long to find them, locking gazes almost instantly.
They stare at each other for longer than they really should considering they are the headlines for most gossip websites right now, but they don’t. There are not many words that either of them could say to the other to convey just about how grateful they are for everything to be back in place again.
The only thing that could make it better would probably be a band reunion but none of the boys are near ready for that to happen.
It’s a nostalgic feeling for Harry, shooting small glances at Louis with the hopes nobody but him noticed it. It only worked sometimes, but he never stopped because it was their special thing.
He looks at Louis, memorizing a face he could once draw with his eyes closed. He has a proud smile and that’s just so him. He has always had the belief that Harry was the best singer in the world, that no matter how bad of a dance or song he was the best.
They have got to figure out what they’re going to do about their relationship.
Harry finally moves his eyes away from a face he could stare at for hours, focusing on the loud crowd of people standing in front of him. He puts on a big smile to distract the crowd from any theories about his sudden change in mood.
There are a million different things in front of him he could pay attention to such as the large paper signs facing his directions, but yet it all comes back down to Louis. It feels as though there is a magnet forcing his eyes to stare at him again.
A part of his mind wonders how he ever lived without Louis in his life. He had to learn how to do that all those years ago, but now it feels like whatever he spent his time studying to keep Louis out of his mind was completely useless. Here he is, staring at a boy he could never forget in a crowd of people analyzing his every move.
It sucks that Louis won’t be at his house tonight, he will have to go back to his own home, leaving Harry to entertain himself while he is filled with adrenaline from the show.
Everything is putting him in a weird place overall. For starters, he still feels guilty about his refusal to come forward about his true feelings for Louis when all he ever wanted was to admit the truth.
In his defence he doesn’t actually know how he feels for Louis.
It feels like it is just the pair dwelling on the past. They can kiss and go on stupid little dates and pretend that there was not a point in time where they didn’t talk to the other person because their anger had gotten the best of them.
Maybe it’s all just nostalgia speaking for them, connecting them together so they can remember what once was. Does Louis even feel the same fear? Is he normal about it all?
He will not turn his head to look at Louis in the hopes that every question on his mind will be answered.
Moments like this make him miss getting relationship advice from Niall and Zayn. He won't ever get that moment from the hotel room in 2012 back, and it sucks because he misses it so bad.
Doubts run through his head. He hates how confident Louis is about it all–and his confidence in general–not really.
‘It’s just envy’, a voice similar to Niall’s sounds through his head. It makes him snort. Yeah, right.
He will have to call him after the show, get some more advice on what to do. He can probably predict what he will be told, but it is easier for him to lie to himself about it so he can actually make the phone call.
Harry stops thinking and gets back to his job, which is to perform music in front of people he may never see again. And he can’t help but turn his head back to Louis, giving him a small smile to show that he sees him. Louis returns the smile, and he actually looks infatuated with him.
This is going to be harder than Harry had anticipated.
It’s not that he wants to completely remove Louis from his life again, but he just doesn’t want a repeat of the past.
A very bad repeat.
-2015-
He wasn’t going to pretend he wasn’t mad at Louis. The older man deserved to know that he had upset him. There was no point in masking his emotions just to please Louis, at least not this time.
All he wanted was to spend time with Louis, like they had planned. Not once had he seen him that day, even at night when they typically sleep in the same bed.
He knew that he should not have to put up with a boyfriend who won’t even take the time to see him once during the day, but he was also scared of life without Louis, scared of what the band would become if the pair had chosen to split up. Would performing be different?
He wasn’t sure what the future was holding for the pair, but he also didn’t want to know. There was a loud want for a conversation with him about the moment, but it had merely been drowned out from the noise of their busy lives with touring.
That leads him to now, a conversation dreaded for long, but now fully present.
“You barely want to spend time with me anymore!” Harry shouted at Louis, making Louis actually laugh in his face, the first time he has seen the other boy smile at him in multiple days, but it was not in a good way. “That’s rich coming from you seeing as you haven’t asked me to spend time with you in the last couple of weeks, and if I recall correctly, last time I asked you out on a date you rejected me!”
“I shouldn’t have to beg, let alone remind you, to spend time with me, though! Why do you need an invitation from me so badly ? Why can’t you just choose to spend time with me?” Louis blankly stares at Harry. Maybe he would prefer to be punched or yelled at in return rather than just be stared at.
He wants to shrink in on himself, make him much smaller than Louis views him as currently. Louis picks his words carefully, which frightens him for a response that will be well thought out. The perfect convey of anger.
“I choose to spend time with you,” Louis finally speaks up, taking a step towards Harry. “I have made a hell of an effort just so I could be with you, but you turn me down every single time! You ignore me the whole fucking time , so maybe spending time with you is a bit hard for me, yeah? Maybe it isn’t easy being with you when you’re treating me like shit the whole time.”
Harry doesn’t appreciate the lack of space between them. He wishes he could build a wall between the pair so he could feel more comfortable, but building the wall doesn’t remove what is behind it.
Harry looks towards the door, staring down his exit from all of the pent up tension in the room, an exit from all of the stress he’s feeling in that exact moment. He turns his attention back to his boyfriend, reminded that an easy exit isn’t the easiest choice.
To him, it’s the easiest choice he could ever make, but maybe not with Louis breathing down his neck. He has got to find a way out.
“Maybe if you took the time to speak to me about how my day was, or anything other than work or Eleanor, I’d be more willing to spend time with you!”
“Don’t bring her into this,” Louis snaps at him, making Harry softly gasp at his eagerness. “Don’t make it about her when it’s about us.”
“There it is!” Harry shouts at Louis, his face heating up. There is a smile on his face that he is not sure of when it exactly got there. “You feel some sort of need to protect her and I just don’t understand why. Why do you do it, Louis? What’s so special about her that you just can’t manage to get her off of your mind?”
“Maybe because everytime I talk to her she doesn’t argue with me! Maybe because she listens to me when I speak, but I don’t know anything according to you!”
Harry remembers the first time he and Louis had ever been angry at each other, and it didn’t last very long. They spent time apologizing to the other person, laying with each other as they whispered sweet nothings. He remembers it better than anyone–including Louis.
What happened?
He can’t pinpoint when in time they changed, became much rougher than they previously had been with each other.
“You really think she’s kinder to you than me?” He takes a step forward, closing the gap a little more even if it feels suffocating to him. “You prefer Eleanor, a woman we pay to pretend to date you, over me, someone who you actually chose to date? Someone who actually loves you and not a paycheck?”
“These days, yeah! I prefer her over you, hell, I would probably prefer Zayn over you, and when was the last time you have seen me and him talking?” Harry doesn’t refrain from balling his hands into fists even if he knows he should. He wouldn’t punch Louis now would he?
Would he?
There’s a weight to Louis’s words and they’re beginning to slowly take a toll on Harry, blurring the lines between his morals and immorals.
“What do you want from me, then?”
“I want you to stop thinking you’re the kindest person ever and that I’m an evil monster when you’re just as bad as me, fists balled up like you’d have half the guts to punch me,” Harry is actually offended by this comment, taking a step back from Louis which feels like a weight has been removed. He laughs at him again, creating a feeling of betrayal.
“You know I’m right, Harry. You know I can’t be the most awful person who doesn’t hang out with his boyfriend when you refuse to speak to me.”
Harry places his right hand to his forehead to try and relieve the tension he was feeling. It obviously doesn’t work seeing as he is just as mad as he previously was. “God damnit,” He mumbles under his breath.
“I just want you to understand how I feel.” He tells Louis, receiving an eye roll in return. “Why does it all have to be about you? Have you ever once asked how I felt about everything? About you ignoring me? I’m pretty sure you’ve never cared about how I was feeling.” Louis complains, making Harry feel invisible.
He wishes he actually was.
“That’s not what I meant! I just want you to understand what it’s like to see your boyfriend pretend to be in love with one of your friends! It’s awful for me to open my phone and see you being more in love with her than you are with me!”
“You always bring it back to her! Do you seriously believe that if she wasn’t my fake girlfriend you and I would be happier?”
Harry bites the inside of his cheek, willing himself to not cry in front of Louis over some stupid argument. “What if I do?” He asks, his voice much quieter than it previously was. “I’d say that’s the stupidest thing to believe.”
Harry wants to calm down but he can’t if Louis doesn’t stop shouting in his face. He feels it all, anger, grief, desperation.
“Alright then, what makes you believe that we can’t be happy together?”
Louis’s face falters for a moment as if he didn’t expect Harry to say something like that to him. He doesn’t know if he should be proud of himself for creating that reaction. “I believe that we can’t be happy together because maybe we just aren’t meant for each other. How do you feel about that one, Harry?”
Harry sucks in a breath. He feels like he has been stabbed in the heart. Tears fill his eyes but are removed with a quick blink, hiding how he really feels about all of it. He feels so fucking betrayed. The things he would do just to make everything go back to normal.
Their old normal.
Harry shakes his head. “Fuck this.” He mutters as he chooses to finally walk away towards the exit he has grown to admire. He shoves Louis to the side slightly. “Where are you going?” Louis calls out to him. “Away from you, obviously.”
He is about two steps away from the door when Louis shouts, “You leave this room, you leave me.” Harry stops in his tracks to turn around and face him again. “Excuse me?” Louis stays firmly. “If you choose to leave the room that's fine, but I’m not going to be your little boyfriend who chases after you to stay–I won’t even be your boyfriend!”
“You mean that?” (Harry doubted Louis had meant what he had said, but he will always wonder why)
Louis nods. “You choose: keep me and our relationship or get away from me.”
They remained silent, both guessing the outcomes to follow. Harry knows it’s his decision, but how committed was he to it?
Does he throw away three years of his life, even more years of friendship, all because of one simple disagreement? He actually has to think about this one. He knows that he loves Louis more than he could ever love himself, but he can’t stand him recently.
How deep does that love go? How many times could he disregard himself and choose Louis before he gets sick of dealing with the same result every single time? How much longer does he have to go through all of this if he doesn’t end it now?
There is a feeling of electricity in his hands, itching to move down to his pocket and end it all for once, as if there were a voice telling him how nice it would be to walk away from everything.
He knows he wouldn’t leave Louis over something silly. He knows what the right choice is.
Harry quickly reaches into his pocket and slams down the plastic hotel key card onto the table next to him. “Don’t text me.” He says before opening the door, leaving Louis and all of his fondest memories alone, forgotten until they can later forgive themselves.
And Harry knows the second the door is shut behind him that he has made the craziest choice of his life. He wants to turn around, return to his boy and apologize, apologize for everything he said, but he just doesn’t have the guts to keep returning to him like a toxic addiction, and maybe that is all that he is to Harry.
This could truly be for the best.
At least that’s what he hopes.
-Present-
It has been two hours since the show ended. He smiles as he remembers that this is what he gets to do for a living, running around on a stage and singing loudly to people that somehow know everything about him.
It can be exhausting to do constantly, but he does not carry an ungrateful bone in his body for his job.
He lays down on his bed, grateful that tonight is not spent in a hotel room and is actually spent in his own bedroom. He doesn’t get lucky enough to do that often. He picks up his phone and goes to his contacts app so he can call Niall, get whatever advice the man can give him, and maybe not use any of it in the end.
He brings the phone to his ear. “Hello?” Niall's voice fills his head. Harry smiles. “Hey Niall, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“I’ll listen to whatever you have to tell me.”
Harry gives himself a second to think about everything. He wants to mention his fears but also not sound super weak while explaining them. Would they even make sense to Niall?
“Okay,” He starts with. “I think I need advice on what to do with Louis. I feel really bad for not wanting to actually label whatever we have because he really wanted to.” Harry explains receiving a loud groan from Niall. “I feel like I already told you what to do about that.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. But my problem is Louis really liked what you said.” Harry explains to the man. He can picture the look of disappointment written across Niall’s face, the small shake of his head assuring the feeling. It used to make Harry anxious (keyword: used).
“So why are you calling me? I’m not in a situation where I can give you new advice because I truly believe what I told you was for the best, you just don’t like it when people are upfront with you.”
Harry scoffs and mutters a ‘that’s not true’ , despite knowing that it is. “I’m just scared,” His voice sounds desperate which makes him cringe. Niall will get upset with him if he addresses it, so he remains silent.
“I loved him so fucking much and did everything in my power to prove that to him, but yet all he wanted was Eleanor. Who’s to say that is not going to happen again? Didn’t they actually date after the band? I’m pretty sure I saw something about them breaking up a couple of months ago.”
Niall goes quiet, or maybe the line was cut, or maybe his rambling annoyed Niall so much he hung up to get away from it. Harry would rather believe the first reason seeing as he doesn’t know what help- his second advice option- Liam could provide for him. “God,” Niall mutters, proving he was still in fact on the phone even if he probably does not wish to be. At least he stuck around.
That’s something to be grateful for.
“Harry, I always wondered how you were so confident when you and Louis had first started dating. I remember you were the one to ask for all of the really expensive dates that you had to pay for entirely because you viewed Louis as some sort of prince,”
Niall is right about a lot of things whenever it comes to Harry and Louis. Maybe it is because he knew everything that happened between the pair, or maybe he is just really good when it comes to relationship advice.
In all honesty, Harry is upset at just how right Niall is. Yes, he did do everything to make sure Louis was aware that he had loved him so much that he was willing to spend hundreds of dollars in just one night.
“All of that confidence and yet you still ran to me, terrified that your relationship was bound to end when they introduced Eleanor, someone who truly posed no threat against you and the relationship.” Niall finishes. This part is much less fun.
Harry lets out a sigh through his nose. It was never a pleasant memory to think back to when their management had suggested her. She was so pretty and so stupidly nice and perfect and stupid.
Maybe he is immature about it.
She was so much in the best way. She was never in the way of their work, never too loud or too jumpy, she had way too much in common with Louis that it felt as though the two had been childhood friends.
“She was so perfect, you don’t understand. Someone as perfect and neat as her ruined something so wonderful that I had worked so hard for.” Harry complained, feeling as though he was twenty years old again, whining on a tour bus to Niall and Liam about problems that weren’t as real as he imagined them to be.
“And yet, she was never the problem.” Niall says, setting off a spark of anger in Harry. But just as quickly as it was there, it was gone in the end, never to set off to anyone other than Louis, an awfully beautiful target for Harry’s rage.
He lets out a huff. “What was the real problem then?” It comes out much more jagged than he would have wanted it to.
“Let's think about it, yeah?” Niall’s voice is much more soft in comparison, as though he were speaking to a child who is asking a simple question. “She never spoke negatively about either of you, she actually used to give you a hug and ask you how your day was whenever you two saw each other, she was gentle with Louis whenever they had to be seen publicly, she never stepped out of line or did something against the contract–are you still listening to me?”
Harry frowns, like full on frowns because he knows that Niall is right.
Someone as lovely as her would never cause problems as large as the ones that Harry imagined her to create. Her bubbly personality and kindness won over everyone who worked with the band somehow managed to change how Harry had seen his one love.
She wasn’t the problem: Harry was. His insecurity and jealousy created problems that were not real, yet Eleanor never shouted at him or gave him a dirty look once his relationship with Louis had ended. She asked him if he wanted a friend to talk about it with or even forget about it with, yet he only saw her kindness as an attack against himself.
The war was not real, no fight truly happened because one side believed it had.
“She caused it though.” He whispers, and Niall is well aware of what is being said. “Harry, please don’t keep saying that. Don’t keep lying to yourself about her.”
Is it denial if he had already figured out that he was in the wrong? He’s known since 2018, when Louis told him to not talk to him, so why does he hide behind a victim façade when it has always been Eleanor he ruined?
“What am I supposed to do?” Harry asks, hearing Niall let out a small breath. “Tell him you’re scared? Have you two even gone far enough to actually consider getting back together, or are you two just still hung up on the past?”
His face heats up at the thought of their date, feeling like a teenager with a crush. “Well, we went on that date that you and the rest of the world have seen,” Harry did in fact go through as many articles about the date and decided none of them knew more than he would have wanted. Niall chuckles.
“But we kissed after it–and not in a friendly way,” He hears Niall laugh again, remembering the boy finds everything amusing. “It felt so right to spend all of that time with him, to fall back in love with him, I guess. I just…” His voice trails off, not being able to find the right words to describe his feelings.
“He wants to bring back what you guys previously had and that scares you.” Niall fills in for him. He nods even though Niall won’t see it. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
They both go quiet for a moment, Harry takes the time to properly think a few things over. One thing being the fact that Eleanor was never rude to him. It isn’t that he wanted her to be rude to him exactly, more that he wanted her to be as evil as he expected.
He never got that though. Her kindness came so naturally that it would have shocked everyone if she were to be rude to him even once.
“Do you think Louis was aware of the fact that I was mean to Eleanor? He never mentioned anything about that to me.” Harry asks, ending his silence. “I think he just excused it. Maybe it was never that clear to him.” Niall answers, but Harry can hear that he is lying. He hears how Niall isn’t clear about his words or tone.
“He told you about it?”
Niall doesn’t speak, answering Harry’s question in silence. “Why did he never tell me?” He sighs, upset that Louis refused to call Harry out on his negativity. “He didn’t want to keep arguing with you about stupid shit. It was frustrating for him to deal with an argument everyday about something resolvable,” Niall finally admits, making Harry feel a pit of dread, reminding him of memories he perfectly blocked out.
Harry shakes his head. He can’t undo the past no matter how badly he wants to, but maybe he can resolve it to the best of his ability.
“You know, he told me he wanted to marry you.”
“Yeah, he told me that one himself.”
–
Hours pass by and Harry still can’t seem to fall asleep. He has tried everything that google recommended to help him sleep but none of it seemed to work. The ultimate plan was to not have to give into using medication.
He might have to get some.
He allows himself to think back, reflect on everything that has happened to him throughout his career. He specifically remembers his days in One Direction, remembering whenever he couldn’t sleep how he and Louis would talk throughout the night, never about anything useful.
Except for the one time they spoke about grudges, talking about how stupid they both found it to be angry at one person for years after an incident.
He could always bring back the past and message Louis now. He turns to his phone, screen black from inactivity, picking it up so he can message Louis. Scrolling through his contacts app so he can find who he wants, he stumbles across a number which he recognizes.
‘Do you want to hangout tomorrow for lunch?’
He sends the message, only it’s not Louis who will receive the text.
Someone not too far off from him.
‘totally! message me whenever ur ready :)’ (Eleanor)