Chapter Text
*****Akane*****
I hung my head, sighing deeply as I walked beside Saiyuri.
“Wow, you really still suck at this whole ‘romance’ thing huh?” She added, unhelpfully.
I shot her a stink-eye, bandaging the knuckles of my right hand. It wasn’t anything that wouldn’t be better in a few days. “It’s not my fault that so many guys are just chauvinist jerks who can’t think with the right head!”
Saiyuri chuckled under her breath as she spoke, “You didn’t have to sock him in the jaw you know… I’m surprised you haven’t gotten fired for how often you assault customers.”
I started up, clenching my jaw in anger, in defense of myself, “Yeah well!-” And then… I paused, and sighed, “It’s probably because they just keep coming back…”
Saiyuri smirked slightly, a bit of concern on her face, “Honestly I think it motivates some of them, you know some guys are into that right?”
I rolled my eyes at her, “Very funny, Sai. Ha. Ha.”
“I’m serious!”
I raised an eyebrow at her, sarcasm dripping off of my tongue, “Do you really think a gaggle of guys are just gonna show up to some random convenience store just so a cashier they briefly talked to in high school can punch them in the face? Do you really think men would be into that?”
She shrugged, “I mean… yeah, probably.”
I pursed my lips in thought. God, I hope she doesn’t have a point.
She must have seen the dour look on my face, because she kept going, and put a hand on my shoulder, “Look, I get it. Those guys? Ninety-nine percent of all men even? They totally deserve it. I mean, I’m obviously not interested in any of them-”
“Except for Kamen Rider Gavv.” I interrupted.
“Yes yes except for him but he barely counts.” She said, releasing the hand on me and waving it dismissively. “My point being, if you’re not gonna take any of them-” She loudly cut herself off as I glared at her, “WHICH IS YOUR RIGHT, to be clear-” She then continued normally as my gaze simmered down, “Then… who would you end up with? You’ve been beating up on stupid boys since high-school that throw themselves at you, any boys that you do like end up shutting you down, either friendzoning you hard or getting freaked out by just how strong you are. And any girls you like end up getting too sad by your whole tsundere vibe or just also friendzone you. You’ve been shut down by anyone you do like and constantly have assholes head over heels for you. Honestly if I were you I probably would’ve killed myself.”
“Wow. Thanks. You know just how to cheer a gal up.” I remarked, dryly.
“My point being, Akane, that you’re made of tougher stuff than me. And that I wanna know, who’s your dream person? What’s going on in that little bisexual heart of yours?”
I sighed, and I couldn’t help but let a tiny, amused smile go across my lips for just a second, a flicker. Saiyuri saw it, and she smiled, satisfied with herself. I didn’t really know what else to do other than just… be honest. “I don’t really think I expect all that much out of someone. I want them to be loving, devoted, committed. I want them to be themselves, and love me for who I am.”
Saiyuri got a wicked grin, “And be a redhead?”
I sputtered, “Wh- I- You-”
“Oh come onnnnnn I know you have a thing for redheads. Do not act like I don’t watch your eyes practically trace anyone with fiery hair.”
I tried to steady the stupid, betraying blush on my face. It did not relent. “Yes, okay, fine, guilty. I think red hair is cute, sue me.”
Saiyuri laughed, “Careful Akane, talk like that and one of those guys you’ve whacked will see you in court.”
My eyes locked onto my feet, staring at the ground. “Yeah, well… it’d be nice for them to do something besides drooling on me for once.”
Saiyuri paused, and I felt her hand wrapped around me, holding me by the shoulder. “Hey… seriously, there’s gotta be people out there that like you for you. I’m sure there’s loads . You’re bound to run into someone. You just… gotta keep your chin up.”
I nodded, a little solemn, and started to walk home.
As I walked home, back to the dojo, tonight’s dinner in hand (a can of melon soda, some wagyu flavored chips, and broccoli octopus cups) tied up in a bag from the store, I pondered Saiyuri’s words to me earlier.
If I’m really bound to run into someone, how would I know? Who would it be?
And…
Is it even true?
I walked past a local shrine, late at night, with almost nobody around.
I stared at it, and my shoulders slumped.
I’ve really… really become that desperate. Was the only thought in my mind as my feet plodded over.
I had some extra time on my hands anyhow to get back. Daddy would likely have already gone to bed, since my schedule is so erratic he knows I can be out really late. Kasumi is already asleep, she’ll be off to college tomorrow, especially considering I’ve graduated, and have proven I can hold down a job, and Nabiki? Well she’s probably out doing her own thing as it stands, something most likely shady as she starts up her own business.
I gave the shrine two bows, and two claps, and rung its bell. The place seemed like it was barely taken care of, almost abandoned.
But if there was someone, anyone, there, I just had one thing to ask for them.
“Can I get on with my love life already?!” I called out.
I wasn’t even frustrated. (ok maybe a little)
I just wanted it.
I wanted it so much, I have so much love to give and nobody like that to give it to.
I sighed, having felt better now that I got that out of my system, and bowed again.
“Sup”
I turned to the source of the voice, and, almost ready to sock whoever it was in the mouth with my good hand, until I saw the divine glowing light they were radiating.
My whole face dropped in shock, and my hand froze.
“Hey” They continued.
“Wh-”
“So, hi, I’m god.” said god, apparently.
“You’re god.”
“That’s me.”
“Like, god god.” I asked, bewildered.
“Yeah pretty sure.” The figure said, shrugging.
“Pretty sure!???”
The figure just shrugged again. “Look, we can either talk about exactly what defines ‘god’ and the nature of the universe or I can get you started on your love life but we can’t do both at the same time.”
I paused, and both of these things went on a scale in my mind, weighing against one another.
To figure out the nature of god, the universe, what it all really entails, to really get down to the meaning of everything, or to get a boyfriend or girlfriend.
The scale slammed down so hard that the thought of metaphysics and theology left my brain through an ear, (probably) never to be seen again in this comedy.
“Love life it is!” Said god, who is god. (I cannot stress that enough.)
“So!” The radiant figure continued, “I may have made a little oopsie daisy when charting out your soulmate.”
“... What?” I responded, flatly.
“Yeah so, some people don’t have a soulmate, some do, some have like a couple even! Yeah, that’s right, me, god, is cool with polyamory, it’s a feature, not a bug!” said god, their god-vibe kinda godding it up.
“Right so- what happened with mine…? Do I- what do I have like negative soulmates or something?” I asked, feeling a bit of despair.
“What!? Me no! I wouldn’t do that to you, or anyone, except for that Happosai guy, but this is a universe where he doesn’t exist, which, thank me.” They said, talking about a figure I’d never even heard of, probably some demon. “No so, I kind of meant to give you one soulmate, Ranma Saotome. But uhm, I kinda accidentally added two digits to the counter?”
“W h a t.” Said me, Akane Tendo, woman in distress.
“Yeah, so you’re tied to one person, but you have a hundred soulmates.” said god, who I was not happy with at the moment.
I stood there in awe at this information, “How… how does that happen!? How do you ACCIDENTALLY do that!?”
“Well, I was making your character sheet and I got kinda distracted because a new Darling Superstition fic dropped.”
“Character shee- HANG ON, you fucked up my life because of FANFICTION!?”
“In my defense it was when Wild As You was posted…” said god, huge fan of DarlingSuperstition.
“Oh well if it was when Wild As You was posted then it’s fin- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!?” I screamed, at god, who was apparently a humongous fucking dork.
“Look, so, basically you have one hundred soulmates, but they’re all kind of the same person. Sorta. But they’re not. So you now are attached to the Ranma Saotome of one hundred different, other worlds. Other universes, other realities, if you will.” Spoke god, their sort of god-shaped body looking exactly how you’re picturing it.
“Ok, so where can I find my Ranma.” I spoke, getting back to the root of the point, “The one from this world?”
They spoke nonchalantly. “Oh this one doesn’t have one.”
“You-” I blinked, “You don’t seem to be very good at your job!”
“Oh it’s fine.” Said god, snacking on my wagyu chips, talking with their god-mouth full of my food, “The fact that I showed up to explain all of this means I have to discharge like, a toooon of power, so it’s gonna open up a dimensional rift and scatter all one hundred across here.”
“You what!?”
“Yeah.” They said, as if it were no big deal.
“Wait but how am I supposed to know who each one is!?” I called out, as they started slowly fading away.
“Oh, you’ll feel like a full body shock” Said god, swallowing a god-mouth god-full of chips, “It’s kind of a ‘you’ll know it when you see it’ kind of deal.”
“Isn’t that a slippery slope?” I responded.
“Eh, no, no, this is different.” They said, barely still here, as I watched a crack form in the sky.
And with that, I saw the gigantic eldritch rift in the sky pulse with magnificent, otherworldly light, and saw god fade away. The last thing I saw was the t-shirt that they wore over their form, with some sort of holy rune inscribed on it.
It bore the story of life and death, of giving and taking away.
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And with that, I saw a hundred people, scatter across Nerima like some fucked up version of the dragon balls, with a redheaded girl, wearing mascara, a skirt, thigh-highs, landing right in my arms in a princess carry. A total, full-body shock coursing throughout my body as we made eye-contact. And in that moment, I knew, I knew she and I were made for each other. It was love at first sight.
The woman trailed a finger up my chest, “Helloooooo nurse~” she exclaimed, her jacket shifting slightly, wrinkling the ‘FIGHTING MAN’ branding on it.
And I knew, there was only one thing left to say.
“Did we just end this chapter on a fucking loss joke?”