Chapter Text
Her eyes shifted left to right then left again, surveying the cabinet with a slight head tilt.
“Why is there an empty space? There shouldn’t be an empty space,” She muttered to herself, one hand holding a feather duster while the other came to rest where she knew an object was missing. The two bowls she had moved a few minutes ago were back in their places but still there was something not quite right. Her brain attempted to remember what lived there, what object she had moved and apparently forgot to return. She tore her eyes away and moved to look at the nearby floor to see if maybe it held the answers. Finally, a small glint of metal caught her attention from one of the nearby tables.
“That’s what it is,” She announced triumphantly, once more only to herself, as she picked up the rusty goblet. Once placed back into its rightful home she wiped her hands together and sat on a nearby chair to survey her dusting work. She ran a hand over the cabinet’s wood, a feeling of pride bursting as it came back clean.
“One down, a hundred more to go,” She once more spoke to no one but herself and she mentally checked dusting the cabinet off her to do list. She basked in the moment of reprieve for completing a task and heard the unmistakable sound a key being put in the front door. Her eyes automatically shifted as she waited for her roommate to enter.
“-you already, I just don’t think now’s a good time. Well, you know how work’s been and all. We can talk about it again in a few months, alright?” Tavia heard Karlach say as the woman walked through the apartment door. Tavia found herself wondering who Karlach was speaking with as she surveyed the disheveled appearance of the woman.
“This is not me breaking up with you. Yes, I still think you’re hotter than the fucking sun. There is no one else. I just think we’re moving a little fast and want to wait a little is all. Look, we can talk about this tomorrow but I gotta go before I pass out on the floor.” Karlach said as she unceremoniously dropped her work bag near the now closed door. She hung up and let out a loud sigh.
“Everything alright?” Tavia asked, slowly getting up from her chair before moving closer to her roommate. The larger woman’s face held a pinched look and her jaw was clearly being clenched tight.
“Soldier! I thought you were working late tonight,” Karlach responded as if caught by surprise. Her face changed from the frustrated look to one of fear and her shoulders became taut.
“I got done earlier than I thought so I decided to get a head start on some chores,” Tavia responded slowly, her eyebrows knitting together as she attempted to figure out what was going on. Karlach’s eyes refused to meet her own, a usual sign that something was wrong.
“Great! Y’know we’ve been putting off things like dusting for long enough that I can already tell a difference. If you’ll excuse me, that twenty eight hour shift was brutal so I think I’m gonna go change real quick and-” Karlach began to say far louder than necessary, still refusing to make eye contact. Tavia stood her ground.
“Why did you tell Wyll you want to wait to move in together? I thought you were already looking at listings and stuff? Is everything alright with you two?” Tavia continued as her confusion only grew. The last time she had spoken to the professor he seemed just as happily in love as always.
“Oh well, I mean, I just thought… That is to say…” Karlach stuttered as she tried to get past Tavia towards the bedrooms.
“Did something happen?” Tavia prodded and watched Karlach’s every movement for any signs what might be going on.
“No! No, everything’s great! Y’know, just too hot people being in love and all that shit,” Karlach responded and attempted to move from the entryway again. Tavia once more blocked the path and attempted some sort of eye contact.
“Okay so what’s the problem then?” Tavia attempted once more with her prodding.
“No problem. Wyll and I are doing just great. Yep, just great. And y’know we don’t have to live together to be great. Maybe it’s a good idea that we slow down and just enjoy where we’re at. I mean, why broke what ain’t fixed and all?” Karlach answered in a far slower drawl as if she were having trouble thinking of the words.
“Karlach why the Hells are you lying to me? What happened? Did Wyll’s dad say something? If you and Wyll are just fine like you say then why are you pumping the breaks?” Tavia asked and continued to move so she blocked the other woman’s way.
“Like I said, why fix something that ain’t broken. Life’s good the way it is.” Karlach continued, her voice now having moved up multiple octaves.
“And there you go lying again. What happened?” Tavia asked again, her frustration evident in her voice at the older woman’s refusal to answer.
“I just don’t want you to be alone, okay? I’m worried about you soldier.” Karlach finally said as though it had been wrangled out of her, though with how high the volume of her voice was it was practically a shriek.
Tavia stood dumbfounded as the words sunk in.
“Worried about me? Karlach I’m a grown ass woman. It’s not like I haven’t lived on my own before, and it’s not like this town really has crime.” Tavia huffed back, now feeling slightly miffed at her roommate’s apparent lack of belief in her.
“I’m not worried about someone else hurting you, I’m worried about you hurting you!” Karlach continued, finally moving her eyes to meet Tavia’s, “I… I don’t know what the Hells you drank or if it was just you were worried about losing your job but I almost didn’t recognize you the other night. I dunno, you were just… you but also not you. Like you had been replaced with some emo clone or something. Everything just felt off. Wrong.”
Tavia felt her blood run cold but she forced herself to keep a somewhat normal posture. She put on a small smile, hoping that if it stayed small it would appear less fake.
“Thank you for being so worried about me, but I’m fine. I’m a big girl and sure, I was not in the best place but I’m fine. Completely back to normal. You and Wyll were so excited to finally do this, don’t do this just because I had a weird few days.” She explained, though now she was the one speaking in a higher octave. She silently cursed her inability to keep herself in check as she lied.
“Tavi-“
“Y’know what, how about I show you just how fine I am? Let’s have everyone come over and you’ll see I really am just my normal self and all this worrying is for nothing. And afterwards you and Wyll will be all gross lovey-dovey and start actually calling about those listings you’ve been pouring over. Got it?” Tavi cut in, and found herself quickly babbling in hopes of quelling any more suspicions Karlach was about to voice.
“Solider…”
“Well I do so we’re going to do that and you’ll see that I’m right. Now go shower because you stink like an ambulance.” Tavia continued without allowing Karlach a chance to refute. She gave a quick nudge to send the other woman towards the bathroom as turned towards her own bedroom.
“Y’know sometimes I feel like you’re the one hiding things, between the two of us.” Karlach finally admitted with a sad tone and Tavia felt the guilt begin to bubble in her stomach. The larger woman continued towards the shower and Tavia finally let the fake smile slip, her throat suddenly feeling very tight. Once inside her own room Tavia collapsed onto her bed, spying the broken candle she still had yet to throw away after her… Incident.
“Of course I’m hiding things. If you knew what I did, who I was, you’d all realize I’m basically a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Especially you Karlach.” She murmured before pulling the candle over and lighting it, being careful not to touch any of the broken glass shards. She placed it down on her desk once more and watched as wax dripped from the candle sides all the way down to the table surface. Eventually she realized the sun had set at some point and she had been staring at the tiny flame that lit the dark room.
That night in her dreams she heard the voice once more. She had been in the local grocery store, picking some sort of cereal to place in her cart when the hairs on her neck prickled.
“How much do you think Karlach’s heart will break when she learns your ‘little secret’? Do you think she’ll hate you just as much as she hates Enver? Or will she hate you more since you never told her the truth? Who knows, maybe she’ll never trust you or anyone else ever again because of your betrayal.”
She continued down the aisles, always facing forward as if attempting to leave the thoughts behind. Her throat burned and her eyes blurred with the ever-rising tide of tears.
“What will Wyll do when he learns of the crimes you’ve committed? What you’ve been able to walk away from thanks to a good legal team.” The voice continued to mock in her ears. She felt her neck begin to move to look behind but she stopped herself. With a deep breath she took yet another step forward, pushing the shopping cart closer to the aisle’s endcap.
“Shut up! You have been gone for years! Why now? Why are you torturing me now?” She whispered and felt her chest constrict as it attempted to sob. She felt a hand stroke her back and her blood felt cold suddenly. With a prayer that the nightmare would end she finally turned back to try and see the haunted form standing nearby.
“Because you’ve remembered just how much you like to lie. How much fun it was to lie, to cheat, to get away with whatever you wanted whenever you wanted. You remember just how good that power feels, what you’ve been born to achieve.”
She moved to a sprint at this point, leaving the shopping cart behind as aisle after aisle passed in a blur. The automatic doors at the front of the store were so close. Her breathing had long turned ragged and her lungs screamed for a reprieve from the dash. She needed silence and fresh air. She needed out of this revolting torture.
A fire erupted just outside the doors and she skidded to a halt. Her breath came out in shallow puffs and now each attempt to gasp air seemed to go unachieved. She clawed at her throat as her she found herself choking on nothing. Once more she looked around for someone, anyone to be standing nearby either to help her or to end her misery. But there was only fire, fire inching closer and closer to her while the heat assaulted her senses.
“We both know you can’t run from destiny. Once a Bhaal always a Bhaal.”
She opened her eyes to her bedroom ceiling, her chest heaving as it attempted to take in breaths. Her eyes darted around the room and she found herself safely on her bed, completely alone. Glancing at the clock she noted it was two hours before she would typically be woken by her alarm clock but she couldn’t bring herself to chance another dream like that one. The idea of even just blinking terrified her.
After dressing she drove to the gym and picked one of the rapiers from the case. It was not quite the right size for her frame but she didn’t care. She needed anything to feel like herself, to feel like Tavia Windwyck again. Over and over she did drills that had been cemented to her memory from childhood. She allowed herself to get lost in the movement, in the ache of her muscles with each lunge and dodge. This was the here and now. In this moment all that mattered was that she was Tavia Windwyck. Sweat formed on her brow and she welcomed the endorphins that began to surge through her veins. The voice that had plagued her dreams had quieted since she began her drills. She didn’t dare assume it had gone away completely but for now she was able to outrun it.
Eventually her movements slowed, and she felt a smile form and her mood lighten.
“I am not the same person I was at nineteen. I am not the same person I was at sixteen.” She whispered to her reflection in one of the nearby mirrors and she frowned at the freckles that dotted over her nose. The freckles that had followed her since childhood.
That morning as she dressed for work she went heavier on her foundation than usual, covering the freckles from sight. She stared at her own face, noticing that her scar was also covered.
“Now I just look like Orin,” She chided herself as her eyes continued to roam in the mirror. Her throat constricted and she pinched her thigh in an attempt to quell the oncoming tears. The breaths she took were shallower than moments before and she felt the urge to scream at how unchecked her emotions had been lately.
“I am not the same person I was at nineteen. I am not the same person I was at sixteen.” She repeated over and over again, only one single tear managed to break containment and run down her cheek. She reached for a makeup wipe to scrub it and the foundation from her face but cursed as she noticed the time.
She was expected to have opened the library ten minutes ago and yet here she sat in her one person pity party. With a quick dash for her bag and keys she began the drive towards the college. Along the way she continued her mantra to no one. When she finally arrived she took one last large breath before plastering a smile on her face and prayed she could push her thoughts away long enough to make it through the day.