Chapter Text
"HMMM..." woody put a finger to his chin in thought. He fucking hates everyone, so even making a simple choice was like torture to him. Suddenly, Ice cube starts glowing, as if ascending to the gods above. "Ice cube you bitch I hope you fucking die, so join my team. I'd like to murder you."
Ice cube reluctantly started walking towards him, growling. "KILL YOURSELF!"
Spongey flexes his muscles. "I love attention, and pencil has like a massive crush on me so I choose pencil."
"Oh fuck off you attention seeking twat." Woody growled. "Ice bitch, choose. Make the right choice or I'll fucking kill you."
Ice cube smiled, the fires of hell emerging in her eyes. Woody felt his heart skip a beat as he realised what she was about to say.
"I. Choose. Teardrop."
"NOOOOOOOOOO!"
"YAY, I'm on the same team as woody, I love you!" The blue speaker box said as teardrop dragged It with her.
Teardrop is so smart! She figured out how to talk despite her disability. So insparational!" Flower smiled, so happy at the idea of other objects being happy.
"Flower, please shut the actual fuck up." Bubble glared, wanting to stab her to death. Flower didn't care, turning around to hug snowball and Eraser.
"Snowball, you may not be the strongest, but you are one of my best friends!"
A smile grew across his face as he hugged her back. What a disgusting friendship. Snowball turned around to face Blocky and Coiny.
"Guys i love flower, she's the most tolerable person I've ever met."
The announcer turned to woody. "Since you dislike your team so much, I'm giving you the option to switch with Leafy."
"ANYTHING TO GET AWAY FROM TEARDROP."
"Fucking kill yourself woody you fat whale," Leafy snarked out as they swapped places.
"Okay, Spongey's turn."
"Spongey please choose anyone but Bubble I will actually kill myself if I end up on the same team as her." Pencil desperately pleaded with Spongey.
Her face dropped as his lips parted.
"BUBBLE."
"THANKS A LOT SPONGEY, NOW I'M GONNA HANG MYSELF AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"
"Shut up fatty."
"Hey Toe painting weirdo, wanna put Needle on this team so that we can bully her?" Leafy raised an eyebrow as she looked back at her new team. Teardrop sat screaming and crying behind her because Woody left.
"Okay William Afton." Ice cube said in reference to the fact that Leafy is purple for some reason.
"NEEDY! YOU FUCKING CUNT GET ON OUR TEAM!"
"UGH. I HATE YOU LEAFY, GO STAB YOURSELF."
"I will eat a bullet if you put Match on our team." Pencil said as she looked up at Spongey.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP PENCIL YOU GAY PEICE OF SHIT." Match yelled out as if she isn't lesbian herself.
"I CHOOSE MATCH!"
"IM GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF I SWEAR TO GOD."
"Come on, people. Pick a boy." Announcer looked at them. Ugh. The sexism.
"Choose anyone but Snowball please." Needle groaned, crossing her arms.
"OH NO!" Blocky began weeping, covering his face with his hands. "They hate eachother.."
"SHUT YOUR FAT ASS THE FUCK UP BLOCKY. I HATE COINY MORE."
Both Snowball and Coiny laugh maniacally, and Blocky stops crying. Instead, he smiles with glee. "I'm so happy you hate them both!"
"And I meant every word." The textiles utensil put her hands on her nonexistent hips proudly.
"Anyone but Pen." Spongey spat, flexing his muscles.
"I agree. He's a bitch in all honesty." Match sighed.
"Pen it is!" Announcer laughed as he put Pen on their team.
"NOOOOOO!"
Over on the other team, Snowball was incredibly calm whilst talking to Needle. He smiled at her, giggling a few times while she tried to shove him off.
"Okay gayasses, it's time to pick another person, unfortunately."
"Why don't we pick COINY, since Needy hates him more?" The fat ball of frozen water suggested, smiling.
"Even though it's a big deal, I am not sorry."
"FIREY, GET OVER HERE SO WE CAN BULLY YOU!" Match screamed at the top of her Lungs.
Spongey flexed his muscles. "I approve of this."
"I don't fucking care. Aren't you the leader of this group?"
"Match this is the worst choice you have ever made." Firey flipped her off.
"I agree with you pookie," Coiny called out, before crying. "WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE ON SEPARATE TEAMS? NOW WE CAN'T MAKE OUT!!!"
"Ew. I hate the gays." Announcer commented.
"Who do we pick? I hate everyone." Needle groaned.
"Anyone but Tennis Ball. He is so fucking stupid." Leafy crossed her arms.
"Tennis Ball it is!"
"KILL YOURSELF ANNOUNCER."
"Back to Spongey's team."
"Wow, I know exactly who to choose." Spongey flexed his muscles. Actually, stop doing that you fucking weirdo. It's getting old.
"Spit it out."
"I know! They're all pretty good. First of all, I would want to choose Flower for reasons that aren't obvious. Eraser thinks he isn't cool, so he would do everything for me. Blocky, yes way. He has no issues. Pin is a crybaby so I'd get to bully her, and Golfball does everything she's told."
"Speak to us, Spongey!" Golfball grinned.
"Don't tell me what to do. Rocky? He's really rude, like me. So, we'd get along well. Woody is really fucking brave but I also don't like him. Nothing scares him. Sharp things?" A knife is thrown at Woody, who dodges gracefully and doesn't even flinch. Spongey then grabs firey and shoves him in Woody's face. "Fire?" Woody bats it away, somehow not being burnt. Spongey then grabs bubble. "And somehow, not even Bubble!"
"Put me down you oversized, egotistical melon!" The soap mixture yelled.
"So then," Announcer turned to face the camera. "Who will it be?"
"Eraser is the best, I guess."
Tennisball glanced to the side. "We choose golfball, I want to boss her around."
"Blocky! Our enemy!" Pen and Eraser screamed. If they had to be on a team with eachother, Blocky wasn't getting off easily.
"Yay, I guess." Match looked off to the side.
Blocky, meanwhile, looked up in horror. "OH FUCK NO."
The turquoise wooden block suddenly slapped Pen in the face. To avoid being sued, the camera focused back on Leafy's team instead.
"I know that you don't need to see to know this, but you know how Flower never gets angry?" Tennisball glared as he spoke.
"I love where this is going, but no." Needle raised an eyebrow as she crossed her arms.
"Well, I hate the other team, and she's going to be more of a friend to them if they get her."
"I guess?"
"We should choose her so that they don't get that luxury."
"Oh yeah, that's actually a good idea!"
"I do not agree, but I will allow this to happen as I do not wish to disobey Tb." Golfball said meekly.
"Ugh, I knew Tennisball and golfball were just freinds!" Coiny laughed, pointing at them.
"Keep talking Coiny, but I actually like Tennisball romantically even though he fucking hates me for some odd reason."
"Back to Spongey's team."
"Well, i think we all would want to pick Pin!" Blocky grinned as Pin suddenly landed on their platform.
"Thanks blocky!" Match yelled happily, making the red block form a frown on his face.
Only two contestants remained- Rocky and Woody.
"Kill yourself Woody, we choose Rocky." Leafy glared.
"YAY, WOODY!" Pin cheered, followed by a disgusted groan from the bread shaped peice of wood. In his disgust, he failed to notice how much he'd eaten and threw up all over pin.
Announcer turned around, glad to finally have the teams settled. "Alright, now that you've decided, it's time to choose your team names."
As soon as he said that, Leafy's team immediately started agreeing with eachother.
"Come on! Just choose!"
The same happend on Spongey's team, but Pin kept quiet in the corner as she tried to get the vomit off.
"Took too long, I'm choosing. Spongey's team, you can be the Squishy Cherries. Leafy's team, you can be the Squashy Grapes. Now, onto the contest! The second contest is to build a boat, get in it, and row it across the Goiky Canal. If you are the first to cross the line, your team wins. The other team loses and one of their members gets kicked out of the game."
Using CGI, a massive, green "GO!!!" appeared across the screen, signalling that it was time to start.
"Guys, I don't have a plan. They aren't letting us use stuff in the pile of junk, so we can't use this generator to power the motor." Golfball looked down, shuffling awkwardly in place. It was unfortunate she couldn't do more to help, but her shyness got the better of her.
The team started to agree with eachother, causing a look of shock to form on Golfball's face.
"Are you.. LISTENING TO ME???"
"Of course we are!" Snowball smiled, reassuring her. "Your plan is the least confusing I've ever heard, we should probably use it."
"N-no! Don't! It might not work, you shouldn't try."
"I'm so glad I couldn't push you off, I really don't want to."
"You're telling the truth, but I think you can do that. Your humongous brain would make that easy for you to accomplish."
Snowball laughed, chasing golfball around jokingly until she toppled over and crashed into the water. All the contestants began not panicking, except Rocky, who got flung into the air for some reason.
"Oh yay! Rocky!" Snowball tried to catch him, but he was so fat that he and rocky toppled over into the water.
Over by the boat, firey wasn't trying to aim a nail into a wooden plank. He managed to do that anyways somehow, despite not trying, and magically hit his hand with a hammer that was five miles away from him.
"Don't be careful firey! It's more fun that way." Pin cheered, smiling at him from afar.
Eraser suddenly ran past the two and hit his hand on a nail.
"That did not hurt."
To celebrate not being injured, he started to fall down. Slowly, like he weighed nothing, too. As if by magic, it was the exact opposite direction- away from a hazardous bed of nails.
After fifteen minutes of the contestants getting more or less nothing done, bubble finally spoke to her team.
"Ugly and not at all like a box, but mediocre."
The Squashy Grapes were not doing any work, yet somehow nearly finished with the boat. Leafy just so happend to be walking past bubble, so she glared at her. She didn't really want to get eliminated yet, so she chose to hold back an insult. Instead, choosing to just say:
"No."
"I'm not waiting for a yacht. I don't deserve one, anyways!" Flower sobbed. It's surprising that she has any tears left to cry.
After ages of not doing any work, the Squashy Grapes somehow finished their boat.
"These aren't our oars?" Blocky raised an eyebrow, holding up Match. Obviously, that's a contestant you fucking dumbass.
"Not cool! I am not an oar!" Pen hissed, trying to get out of a contestant's grip.
Bubble, from the inside of the boat, had a look of disgust on her face. "Ew. I hate this boat. Let's get out."
Leafy, while probably being held at gunpoint to make her do any work, applied a motor to the boat. Unfortunately, she didn't realise it was on, because the boat started drifting away.
"SHIT!"
"Still not waiting!" Flower called out, grinning. Needle only groaned.
"We're so going to lose.."
"Flower!" Coiny screamed in horror. "THE BOAT! IT'S DRIFTING AWAY!"
The plant's eyes lit up, standing without a second thought. "I'LL JUMP INTO IT!"
Unfortunately, Flower was too far away, because Leafy, Ice Cube and coiny had already managed to jump in. Needle, teardrop and Tennis Ball were left behind.
Laughing, the small leaf glanced back at the others. "I don't feel bad at all."
"Well, oh. That's a shame. Let's wait for them." Coiny sat, before being pushed out of the way by Leafy before she turned the motor on.
"NO TIME!"
It's not like the Squishy Cherries were having better luck either, because their boat had started to leak. Firey grinned, staring at the water.
"Oh, yay. I'm absolutely not scared of this."
A fish suddenly jumped out of the hole and bit Blocky, causing him to recoil in pain. Without thinking, he grabbed the fish, trying to throw it back into the water. Instead, he somehow flung himself over and was eaten by a massive fish monster.
Pencil finally resurfaced through the hole in the boat, glancing around at her team.
"Don't stay there! You're making a plug, and i liked the water." Firey frowned, narrowing his eyes.
In that moment, while the Squishy Cherries had been looking away, the Squashy Grapes had come dangerously close to the team.
What would you know, the boats collided, breaking the squishy cherries' boat into peices and launching the Squashy Grapes into the air.
Ice Cube glanced at her team, huffing and sitting down.
"I'm not scared!"
Their boat suddenly flew over the finish line. They must really like losing.
"Fatties, I can't wait to break this to you, but we just passed the finish line." Coiny glared at his team, it was obvious he didn't like them.
"DON'T LOOK OUT," Ice cube suddenly screamed, jumping up. "I WANNA SEE YOU GET HIT BY A TREE!"
"WELL YOU JUST MADE US REALISE THAT IT WAS THERE, DUMBASS." Leafy slapped ice Cube, the sound literally echoed around the boat. She should not be that strong.
The boat suddenly hit the tree and was flung to the other side of the canal, away from the finish line. Coiny groaned, flopping onto his face.
"This sucks."
The camera panned to the Squishy Cherries, where obnoxious screaming could be heard.
"There's too little weight on this floating boat!" Pin calmly said. "We need to pull something onto it."
It was just then, that Spongey somehow fell into the water. Maybe the fish wanted to see his muscles.
Before anything else could happen, Pen resurfaced.
"NO!" he gasped. "THE FINISH! IT'S 20 OR SO MILES AWAY! WE CAN'T SWIM THERE."
"I can swim." Firey grinned.
Because of Spongeys muscles pulling on it too much, the boat finally ripped apart completely.
"Go away Match! Don't swim with us!" Pen shot a glare at her. You'll never know if he meant this to be rude or to give her a break.
"I will swim with you!" She exclaimed, huffing and putting her hands on her hips. "I have plenty energy left!"
Pencil had begun swimming closer to the team.
"Hey! I don't hear voices! It's probably not Tennisball, Snowball, Needle, Rocky and Teardrop! They aren't all floating on Spongey." Match stated, proud with her amazing listening skills.
Except she was entirely wrong. All the people she just named were floating on Spongey.
The camera once again panned to the other team. Leafy, Ice Cube and Coiny had just gotten out of their boat and were calmly walking to the finish line.
"Oh, thank god," Coiny sighed, getting even slower. "The other team is nowhere near us!"
The camera quickly changed to the Squishy Cherries, who were not swimming towards the finish line. As a matter of fact, they were completely still and slowly floating towards it. Pin quickly drifted away from Bubble.
"Ugh... hm? PIN!" Bubble exclaimed, apparently still being suicidal in this universe. "Speed up towards me! Quit drifting away!"
Meanwhile, near the finish line, the weather became extremely windy. You'd think that it was divine intervention, it happened that fast. Unfortunately, Leafy is still a leaf, so she got blown miles away from her team's goal. Sucks to be her I guess.
Coiny and ice Cube, having hated her anyways, ignored this, and continued running for the finish. Clearly intending on making Coiny slip, Ice Cube slided quickly on her back towards the line, leaving a trail of water that was likely due to the friction.
It seemed as though none of the Squishy Cherries were out of the water yet. All was going to plan; Ice cube would bring home the gold for her team.
Well, that was the plan, anyways. Until Pen snuck up on her, slapped her out of the way and forcefully used Pin to rip the ribbon, declaring the Squishy Cherries the winners.
"And Pin's team, the Squishy Cherries, win. Which means one of the Squashy Grapes is going home. It's time for you viewers out there to decide," The announcer came into view, quickly narrating to the viewers what to do. "Here are the people on the Squashy Grapes team. Needle, Rocky, Teardrop, Leafy, Flower, and Golf Ball, Coiny, Snowball, Ice Cube, and Tennis Ball. Who will leave first on BFDI? I don't know. But it's up to you guys to decide."
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