Chapter Text
Nick wanted to scream, his body was crying out in pain, but he wasn't sure why. Charlie... I need Charlie... but no matter how hard he tried to reach out, Charlie never came. He could make out screaming and crying, sirens maybe, then a jolt and an intense rush of pain, then nothing...
He wasn't sure how long it felt like nothing, but at some point, the nothing turned to pain. Deep, red, hot, burning pain. He wanted to scream out, he wasn't sure which part of him hurt, but he needed it to stop. Then black again...
The black was dark and weightless. Not a good sort of weightless, a terrifying weightless feeling, like he couldn't place any of his limbs in space, and he felt like he was falling. Nothing was real, there was no sensation of reality he could grab onto, it was like he was stuck in a night paralysis and couldn't wake up. It felt like there was something keeping him there; he couldn't breathe or talk or move, and he was trapped.
I'll wake up soon... he kept telling himself, but he didn't wake up. He stayed stuck in a semi-conscious dream state. He was aware of something moving outside him, someone trying to talk to him, maybe, but he couldn't talk or reach him. He felt himself move, or be moved... it didn't feel like him moving, but he definitely was. Charlie, where is Charlie? Charlie has to be here somewhere, he never would let me be stuck in the darkness forever.
Charlie felt near. Nick couldn't see, feel, or hear anything, but he knew Charlie was there, and if Charlie was near, it was going to be okay.
Then he went.
Nick felt himself drift deeper into darkness than nothing again... hours or days could have passed, and he would never have known. He was confused, stuck, and all alone. He has no memory other than a screech of something, then a massive force that pushed him into this darkness.
The pain was back. Awful deep pain, but not as bad as before. It felt numbed by something. Nick was aware of something over his mouth, stopping him from screaming out. Was he safe?! He had to be safe... He honestly wasn't sure if he was safe or not. He didn't feel safe, he was terrified, trapped and totally unable to move. The best way he could describe it was that his whole body was frozen, and his mind was numb, but he was aware that something was out there...
Is this what death feels like? Slipping in and out of consciousness forever, pain and suffering and confusion. Feeling like Charlie was close by, but not close enough to grab him. He couldn't be dead... Charlie needed him.. Emma needed him...
Emma...
He has a daughter. He remembered that. And a Mum.
Charlie, Emma and Sarah. He remembered that much.
Were they safe? How could he get to them? He NEEDED to get to them.
Nick tried to push through the foggy darkness, anything that could ground him closer to Charlie, Emma, and his Mum. He HAD to be alive for them, there was no way on earth that he was going to let his Mum outlive him, leave Emma with a single parent or leave Charlie.
Till death do us part...
Not today. Nick thought. He pushed through the pain, the black and the suffocating feeling and tried to breathe. If he could breathe, he was alive, and if he was alive, he was going to be okay.
Nick was aware of a noise far off in the darkness, and he could breathe again...
Each breath felt laboured, but he could breathe, he was alive...
Something touched his cheek, Charlie... It had to be Charlie... He had to see him and let him know he was okay.
Nick didn't know how long it took him, but he tried to wade through the darkness, looking for any bit of light to cling to. He felt himself regain some feeling of reality; his neck hurt, his chest hurt, and there was sharp pain down his spine. He could feel his fingers; he thought about wriggling them, reaching out to Charlie.
'He moved!' Charlie, that was Charlie! Nick felt a hand grab his, it was Charlie, he knew that hand very well... A head fell on his shoulders 'Come on, Nick darling, I know you are there...'
I am I am Charlie! Nick tried to call out, but no words came out. He could smell Charlie, he was so close.
The light felt closer, everything was hazy and fuzzy, but Nick could hear beeping, machines, Charlie's voice, and a low murmur from some other people. He was nearly there...
With every bit of strength he had, Nick pushed towards the light and opened his eyes...
'Nick?' Charlie came into focus next to him. Nick blinked and tried to form words, but nothing came out. Charlie looked like his Charlie, but he looked different and tired, and he looked like he hadn't shaved in days.
'Char...' He whispered, maybe Charlie heard him...
'Oh Nick...' Charlie, leaning over, buried his head in Nick's neck. Nick wanted to hug him, but he couldn't...
'Can't... move...'
Charlie looked up, glassy-eyed, biting his lip. 'I know, babe... but it will be okay...'
What Nick thought Charlie wasn't making any sense...
'Just rest for a bit, okay?' Charlie stroked Nick's hair off his forehead. 'I promise I will be here and we can explain everything soon, but you need to rest first, darling.'
Charlie sounded tired. Nick was tired. He felt Charlie grab his hand and sit on what Nick assumed was a chair next to him.
'Go to sleep, babe.. I am right here.'
* * *
Charlie sat watching Nick as he slept. Maybe he could have explained everything to Nick right there and then, but part of him knew he couldn't even explain it to himself, let alone Nick, and part of him just chickened out.
Nick had come out of surgery at about 1:45 am on Friday morning. The surgery had been successful; they had stabilised Nick's spine from T11-L2 and reduced the swelling. Over the next few days, Nick stayed intubated and sedated. The Doctors said his body had experienced a lot of trauma and needed to recover. Just as the surgeon had said on Thursday evening, Nick had experienced spinal shock. Charlie spent the whole few days looking for any signs of twitching and movement. A few days into recovery, he was breathing on his own, and his upper body reflexes came back. On Sunday, Nick's hand moved for the first time when he and Sarah were sitting, talking about whatever rubbish they had been watching on TV.
The Doctors then started to reduce the sedation, and the waiting game for Nick to come round began... On Monday, he opened his eyes for the first time, and Charlie just held him and tried to soothe him back to sleep.
He has spent the last 5 days in the hospital without seeing daylight. Emma was in the children's hospital, still under observation for a concussion. On Friday, she started acting confused, and her brain showed some swelling, but thankfully, it was going down. Between Tori, Michael, Jane and Julio, someone was always with her. Charlie had been able to stay with Nick in the ICU for the whole 5 days, while Sarah was allowed to stay during the day.
Neither of them had slept well. Charlie slept on a fold-out bed, waking every hour to check Nick was still alive. Sarah went home and spent the evening cooking all of Charlie's safe foods, doing the washing, and collecting anything he needed in the morning. Charlie missed Emma; he knew he could go see her, and he wanted to, but if ANYTHING, good or bad, happened when he was away from Nick, he never would have forgiven himself. Tori assured him Emma would be okay, and as soon as Nick woke up, Charlie could see her. She was due to come out of the hospital on Wednesday or Thursday, and Charlie really hoped he could go pick her up.
The doctors still weren't sure what Nick's prognosis was. The follow-up scans all showed that there was still no function below Nick's waist, but they needed him to be awake to confirm if this was also widespread to his upper body or not. In the last few days, Charlie has become an expert on catheters, IVs, spinal cord injuries, and all of Nick's procedures during his operation. Spinal shock, cord contusion, laminectomy, stabilisation, burst fractures, thoracolumbar junction, compressions, vertebra, all words that meant nothing to Charlie a week ago, now meant everything to him.
Nick spent most of Monday day and evening going in and out of a fitful sleep.
Every few hours, he would open his eyes, murmur something like It hurts just quiet enough for Charlie to hear, then drift off back to sleep. Charlie kept his promise and stayed seated by his bed, holding his hand the whole time. Late on Monday evening, Nick fell into a deeper sleep. Charlie rested his head on the side of Nick's bed and tried to close his eyes to sleep.
The Doctors were hoping that tomorrow Nick would be conscious enough to test his reflexes and touch senses. Charlie was utterly terrified. He had been prepared for all eventualities. Total paralysis, waist down, hip down, but there was a part of him who would be in denial till he heard Nick say the words I can't feel my legs.
Nick woke to find himself sitting slightly upright. He could see Charlie talking to a doctor(?) in the corner of a hospital room... Okay, so he was in the hospital, there is a start...
His mind was still fuzzy, and he was trying to build a picture of what was going on. The last thing he clearly remembered was him and Emma at home waiting for Charlie to get back from work.... What day was it now?! Where was Emma?
Nick looked down; his right arm was in a serious-looking cast, and his left arm had an IV going into it. He was wearing a hospital gown, and he could feel wires on his chest and arms. He tried to move something, but his body felt like lead. He could wiggle his fingers but not his toes... Hang on...
Nick suddenly realised he couldn't feel his legs at all. His arms felt like lead, but he could feel them at least. His legs felt like they were foreign to his body. They were definitely still there because he could see his socked foot sticking out the end of the hospital blanket.
'My legs.' Charlie and the doctor both turned to look at him. Charlie smiled to see Nick, then just as quickly went pale and looked like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him.
'Morning Nick.' The doctor came towards Nick, Charlie following. 'I am Doctor Sharr, your neurologist and have been looking after you for the last few days.'
Nick just looked confused, he had literally no idea what was happening, 'What?' He managed, his brain felt like it was on half speed.
'I am sure you have a lot of questions and you must be very confused.' Dr Sharr sat down on one side of Nick's bed, and Charlie stood on the other holding Nick's hand. They both had grave expressions.
'Am I dying?' Nick whispered.
'No...' Dr Sharr laughed lightly 'You are not dying, though you did have us for a moment a few days ago.'
Days... How long had passed?
Charlie squeezed Nick's hand and took a deep breath. 'You were in a car accident, Nick.' Nick managed to turn his head slightly to see Charlie, a pain shooting down his spine. 'Emma is okay, but you were hit quite badly.' Charlie's eye welled up. 'You- you-' He sniffed and nodded to Dr Sharr to take over.
'You were unconscious when we found you, and you had to go into an emergency operation. You suffered a break to your spine and the surgeons did an amazing job at stabilising it, but we are afraid there will be some long-term damage to your spine. We needed you to wake up to see the extent, but we are thinking of paralysis of the legs. Which might be why you can't feel your legs right now...'
Nick looked back at Charlie, who had tears silently falling down his cheeks. He was confused, so deeply confused. Accident? Spine? Paralysis? They were talking about things that had happened to him, but it was completely alien. Charlie had been dealing with this all on his own for however many days. Nick felt awful, flooded with guilt, denial and confusion.
'I can't feel my legs.' He whispered. 'I can feel my arms but not my legs.'
Charlie inhaled sharply beside him. 'Sorry-' he muttered, 'I need a moment.' He quickly got up and went through a door opposite the bed. Nick assumed it was a bathroom.
Dr Sharr leaned in. 'He has been under a lot of stress the last few days. He will come back.' Nick knew Charlie would come back. 'Nick, I am not sure what the future will bring, but one thing I do know is that you have the most loyal, loving husband in the world. Once we have done some tests and know the full picture, I am sure you and Charlie will be able to face whatever your life will look like together.'