Chapter Text
azzi’s morning starts much the same as all her days. 20 minutes before practise, she gets woken up by a screaming caroline, who has graciously made her smoothie to go, forcing her to roll out of bed and throw on the first sports bra, t shirt and shorts she sees before quickly tying he laces to leave her dorm. taking the smoothie from caroline, she asks how she slept.
‘good thanks, could have been longer but oh well’ the girl responded, ‘what about you, you got in late last night’
slightly startled, azzi responds ‘yeah i slept fine’, no longer able to make eye contact with her closest friend.
azzi is almost certain caroline knows what’s going on between her and paige. they’ve never explicitly talked about it but it’s been one too many late night for azzi to pass that off as friendship. it’s not that she thinks caroline will care necessarily, she just doesn't know how to bring it up to her. so, much as the last months has been, she stays quiet, and the rest of the walk to practice is full of meaningless small talk.
all huddled together, azzi loses focus. it’s too early for this, she thinks. it wasn’t until coach speaks a bit later that she’s awoken back to reality.
‘paige won’t be at practice today, so we’re gonna run slightly different drills. everyone find a partner and get a ball’ he says, causing azzi’s head to shoot up and find nika’s eye line. furrowing her eyebrows at her, nika just shrugs back helplessly, obviously knowing what answer azzi is after.
azzi is with kk but is clearly distracted. paige never misses practice. not that time when she threw up because she ate too many sour candies and not the time when her great aunt had passed away the night before. so naturally, azzi was concerned about her best friend. what happened that made her skip it this time. maybe she’s overreacting, she thinks. maybe paige just felt super unwell and couldn’t get out of bed without thinking she was going to faint and maybe she feels so much better already. but something within azzi, in the pit of her stomach, knows this isn’t true. something is wrong with paige, and she doesn’t know how to fix it.
practice couldn’t end faster. once they’re dismissed, azzi grabs her stuff and waves good bye to her friends, clearly on a mission. she makes her way to paige’s building, checking her phone one the way.
no text. paige always texts.
azzi walked faster.
when she arrived, she let herself into the dorm with the key she knew was hidden under the bottom right corner of the door mat. a key she’s used many times before once the sun had gone down.
the air was still and silent and paige was nowhere to be seen. her room, azzi thinks.
she knocks gently twice. no response. she tries again, and finally she hears the voice of the girl she loves more than anyone.
‘go away nika i’m fine’ her voice small and raspy, as if she had just woken up. or as if she just stop crying. azzi just knows it’s the latter.
‘paige it’s me’ she says in a quiet, slightly worried voice. again, azzi is met with silence.
slowly, the younger girl tries to open the door of her best friend’s room.
‘stop azzi don’t’ that same small voice says, but it was too late, azzi had already opened the door and can see right through the fake illness paige is sure to tell the rest of the team when questioned about missing practice.
the first thing azzi notices is her eyes. bloodshot and swollen, as if they haven’t had a dry moment in hours. next, her blinds still drawn and closed, the same from when azzi drew them closed last night. what happened since last night, azzi wonders. paige was fine last night.
paige turns in her bed to face the wall.
‘azzi i said don’t’ her voice cracking, trying to hide her emotions, trying to put on the same persona she always does, of the girl who is always ok. azzi sees now how fake that is and immediately feels guilty, wondering how long paige has been hiding everything away and how long azzi hasn’t noticed.
‘paige please, you don’t have to hide away from me’ azzi pleads, still standing in the doorway, letting in unwanted light into paige’s darkness.
she only receives silence back.
carefully, azzi steps into the room and shuts the door behind her, trapping the tension and worry in the room. she sits down on paige’s bed and waits. for what she’s not sure. maybe an answer or for paige to turn towards her, but nothing comes.
in a last bid effort, azzi lies down next to paige and holds her. immediately, paige stiffens against the girl who has seen the rawest version of her.
paige contemplates whether she should give in to the warmth azzi is providing her. the comfort she can’t seem to get from anyone else.
but that’s the problem. azzi shouldn’t be the one that she needs to turn to. she should have a boyfriend. she should be sleeping with a boy. that’s what she’s always been taught, the difference between right and wrong, pride and guilt, good and sin. paige knows what these thoughts mean and she knows that she needs to stop having them.
quietly, a tear runs down her face. it’s just one, small tear, an expression of what she’s been holding to herself for so long. and then, like an avalanche, streams of salty water run down her face and paige can’t help but release a sob.
azzi softens further into paige, instantly wanting to be there for her best friend.
at first, paige lets herself be held. she lets azzi hold her together while she’s falling apart.
then something switches in her.
the walls feel like they’re coming in on paige. her slightly shallow breath changes to completely unstable and her body is shaking. she sits up, pulling away from azzi, tears still running down her face. she keeps trying to breathe but it’s like with every attempt, it becomes harder, as if someone has taken all the air out of the room and left paige sitting. she recognises this feeling all too well. all the night she spent as a teenager trapped in her mind, trapped in her own guilt, constantly feeling like someone in her is wrong.
through the loud ringing in her head, paige can faintly hear azzi.
‘look at me’ the girl says, her voice grounding paige, ‘copy my breathing, in and out’
only now, paige makes eye contact with azzi. she tries to follow her breathing, slow and control, but fails, going back to the unsteady melody of pain and struggle.
‘it’s ok, it’s fine, lets just try again’ the kind voice says.
azzi slowly strokes paige’s back, up and down, like she’s controlling her breathing and slowly but surely, her breathing evens out.
they sit like this for ten minutes, the tears halting until only a few rare ones slip out.
paige knew what was coming, she knew azzi would question her, try and figure out what is paining the older girl. but how was she meant to tell her best friend that it’s her thats hurting her and healing her at the same time?
‘paige we need to talk-’
‘i dont want to sleep together anymore’ a monotone voice cuts her off.
silence.
‘we should go back to being just friends’
azzi’s eyebrows draw together, her face a picture of confusion.
‘what’ she breathes out, not understanding what brought this on. they were fine last night. they were good last night.
minutes pass of uncomfortable quiet.
‘have i done something wrong’ a small voice comes out.
paige’s heart almost breaks right there. she never wanted azzi to feel like anything bad is ever her fault, but she also didn’t know how to explain that she’s the one that is wrong, she’s the one that needs to be fixed. so she says nothing.
‘no. but i think you should go now’
she feels azzi’s eyes hold on to her for a second longer, pleading her to change her mind. but paige says nothing else and azzi gets up. out of the corner of her eye, paige sees azzi wipe her eyes and tears prickle back into her own eyes.
‘ok’ a beat, ‘love you’ the younger girl says, so quietly that paige thinks she might have made it up.
and just like that, her door shuts and paige feels just as alone as she did before.