Chapter Text
Akutagawa’s 2-day-1-night business trip to Osaka quickly end so he returns right in tonight
He originally plans to go home, but it isn’t midnight yet, so he arranges to meet Chuuya at the nearby harbor. His purpose is to give his senior a thank-you gift for keeping an eye on Atsushi for him.
“Chuuya-san.” Akutagawa calls out as soon as he sees his senior smoking while standing in a secluded corner.
“You’re back? How was your business trip?” Chuuya asked.
“Completely successful, our counterpart was pleased.” Akutagawa replies.
“You’ve worked hard. Go home and rest.”
“Wait, this is a thank-you gift for you.”
Akutagawa then hands him a paper bag, inside is a bottle of expensive wine, he adds: “Sorry, I’m not very knowledgeable about wine so I bought the best and most expensive one in the store.”
But Chuuya happily says, “No problem, that’s fine.”
“I’m grateful that you have kept an eye on Jinko even though you were busy.” Akutagawa bows his head in gratitude.
“No need to be so polite. Besides, I had a good time with Atsushi-kun. He’s more charming than I thought.”
Hearing that, Akutagawa feels a little upset, even a little jealous. He must be a little jealous of his senior for being able to talk closely with Atsushi.
“You met Weretiger?”
“Yes. Jealous or what?” Chuuya’s voice sounds a little teasing.
“…I’m sorry…I’m a little jealous that he rarely talks to me, in comfort.” Akutagawa replies.
“Just kidding, being jealous actually is good. Well I have to go back home now.”
“But let me tell you this.” Before leaving, Chuuya whispers with a mischievous smile, “Your type is quite perfect. Atsushi’s the type of person easy to be stealed, keep him tightly.”
Despite Akutagawa blushing and wanting to shout loudly, Chuuya still leisurely walks home with a smug look.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:
Akutagawa returns home in a state of not being very excited because he’s still burdened by the truth that Atsushi had happily talked with Chuuya. No, to be more precise, he’s jealous of everyone close to Atsushi, they are all kind, behave closely and make Akutagawa feel safe. Akutagawa does the same things to them, he learns to treat Atsushi gently and thoughtfully, protecting him at all times and places but never once receives full peace of mind or trust from the person he loved.
He never feels how heavy in his heart is like how he feels today because no matter how hard he tries, he could never make Atsushi let down his guard against himself. Even the last time they went to the movies, what Atsushi said must have been just an accident. How could Atsushi ignore what Akutagawa had done to him before?
It is then that Akutagawa realizes that learning to love is too rough for him. But because of that, he has to love Atsushi even more, as he’s the only one who could help Akutagawa having these peaceful feelings.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*
Akutagawa hated this world, since he was a child, and still does. Even though people say life is worth living because there are many good things to experience, he has always been indifferent. Why? Because since the day he was born, he has never once enjoyed those good things, but only endured hunger and cold, lungs became sore every time he breathed, and everyday seeing friends slowly dying in helplessness. That's why he always believed that only death could avenge this life. He wanted to prove to this world how bad his life treated him anh he would avenge it in the way it hated the most, which was death. But he didn't want to die in vain, so he blindly reached for the reason to live that he asked from Dazai.
Only when he fell in love with Atsushi, saw his smile, did he realize that what he needed was not a luxury at all.
He still hates his rotten life, but he also understands that, in a small corner, there’s still a ray of light. That light, like him, had experienced torment since the day it was born, so he will love and protect it, considering it the only gift that life gave him, compensating for the wounds and suffering that he and the person he loves had endured.
Akutagawa only hopes that Atsushi would stay like that, continue to live happily, and continue to smile brightly like that. If Atsushi still couldn't forget his past, Akutagawa will be the one to chase it away.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧
He opens the door and is surprised to see Atsushi standing in front of him.
“Couldn’t sleep or what?” he asks, hiding his surprise as well as the question: “Waiting for me?”
But Atsushi doesn’t say a word, only looking at him, a gaze filled with thoughts and hesitation. Akutagawa doesn’t know how to handle this, he can only feel awkward.
“What’s wrong?” he suppresses his worries and calmly asks.
Then, Atsushi rushes over and hugs him.
It isn't the first time Akutagawa feels the warmth from Atsushi’s body and arms because there were times before when Atsushi grabbed him to save him, and Akutagawa even hugged Atsushi on purpose when he was almost attacked. But now he feels clearly, this time’s not like those previous. Those times were all unintentional but, Akutagawa knows clearly, Atsushi truly embraces him in the way he had always wanted: No caution, no suspicion, only gentleness.
Akutagawa refuses to say a word, as a way to not make Atsushi feel embarrassed, just reaching out to softly touch his soft hair, his head lightly touching the Atsushi’s temple. He doesn’t know if this is the right time to say it but he still wanted Atsushi to know that he’s happy because he finally sees the moment he had always been waiting for.
Akutagawa wished for nothing more than to see Atsushi still living happily but he also had always been waiting for the moment the person he loves most opens his heart to him.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:
The whole time he waits for Akutagawa to return, Atsushi keeps thinking about what Chuuya said.
If Akutagawa really liked what Chuuya said. If Akutagawa would really accept the way he treats him like the way he loved the Detective Agency, then he will accept it, Atsushi will trust Chuuya, and Akutagawa too. Atsushi will believe that Chuuya was really helping him, and he will also believe that Akutagawa won’t disgust him.
However, when he sees Akutagawa, Atsushi hesitates reflexively, after all, that’s just Chuuya's speech, the reality might be different. But, thinking about how much the person he loves had suffered despite still being considerate to him, he couldn't bear his own selfishness anymore and rushes over, hugging Akutagawa tightly as if he wants to tell him that he loves him, loved his twisted heart despite all the sins it had caused and believed that it still had a beautiful side.
And, Chuuya was right, Akutagawa not only doesn't push Atsushi away but also gently returns his hug.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:
Like every other night before, Atsushi goes to sleep with Akutagawa still staying up all night sitting next to him. But the next morning, he opens his eyes and the first image he sees is Akutagawa looking at him, hand caressing the long hair beside his ear.
The whole morning, they both don’t say a word to each other. It’s only when they finish their morning routine that Akutagawa suddenly grabs Atsushi's hand, signaling Atsushi to follow him. He didn't understand what he wanted to do but still smiles and follows.
Akutagawa takes him to a cape on the nearby beach. The beach with a jade green color shining under the clear sunlight.
Akutagawa looks at him with his usual sharp eyes, but his eyes show a determination and a fiery light that Atsushi had never seen before. It’s filled with Akutagawa's happiness, not the resentment like before. Atsushi had known for a long time that he had always loved those black eyes that seemed to be ruthless forever.
"I'm sorry." That is the first word Akutagawa utters.
"What?" Atsushi’s quite surprised.
"I've always blindly hurt you just because I wanted to receive Dazai-san's recognition. But you still didn't leave me, then I realized that what I need in this life is simpler than I thought."
Akutagawa lets out a long breath and continues: "I believe, I live to love you, Atsushi."
"Without you, I won’t understand that happiness is so simple. Thank you." As if he poured out all his feelings from the bottom of his heart, Akutagawa smiles serenely, which Atsushi hadn't seen in a long time.
Atsushi's subconscious’s suddenly in turmoil as a series of emotions rushes into his mind after Akutagawa's words.
He originally planned to never say "I love you" but in the end, Akutagawa is the one who does it first. So this is the feeling to hear love lines from the person he secretly loves for a long time?
Atsushi can’t control the emotions he had hidden for so long. He had felt hurt and blue because he believed that his feelings would never be embraced but had always had to stop them from being revealed. But now it is no longer necessary. Atsushi let himself cry, like a child, letting his tears and sobs of happiness flow in front of the person he had loved for so long.
"I didn't dare to say I love you, Akutagawa! I thought... you will disgust me because the person you will kill loves you... but... you..." He can't respond to him smoothly because the sobs keep stopping him.
Despite Atsushi's childish behavior, Akutagawa only hugs him, smiles and whispers softly: "I only want you to embrace me. That's why I wanted you to stay by my side all this time. I'm sorry for hiding it from you, but I only did it because I wanted to protect you and hope you would open your heart to me."
Akutagawa then lifts his lover's chin and gently kisses his lips.