Chapter Text
JANUARY 6, 2024
Jackson Settlement, Wyoming
“You’re not my daughter. And I’m sure as hell not your dad. Now, Tommy’ll be here in the mornin’ to start makin’ plans. And in a few days we are goin’ our separate ways.”
Ellie’s face froze for a moment, then she made the tiniest nod. Before Joel turned away and headed out the door, awareness flashed that she looked embarrassed and was maybe starting to tear up. But he didn’t care. Not just then.
Nobody was allowed to make Joel think about Sarah. It always went bad. If he was lucky, she'd come to him in a good memory, so he could have a spark of joy before it went bad. In the beginning, he'd be hurled back to the horror of her last moments in a stab of blinding agony. Over the years, it had softened into a bleak, futile longing at his daughter's absence. And then a scene would unfold in his head, his daughter blaming him. He knew that last bit was his mind playing tricks, but how could that matter?
Even Tommy'd kept her name off his lips tonight, in the middle of the most intense conversation they'd had in years. Of course, Ellie didn't know about the rule. How could she, when he'd kept Sarah's entire existence a goddamned secret this whole time?
So Sarah was there tonight, in this room Joel had randomly stalked into. And this time was different. When he got to the part where his daughter called him out, she wasn't mad at him for getting her killed. She was mad at him for being mean to Ellie. And clueless. And a sad sack of shit. (Which wasn't how she normally talked, but was delivered, in his imagination, in her practiced Uncle Tommy voice.) He might have known Sarah would take Ellie's side. His breath caught on the realization that Ellie'd do the same, if she could have known Sarah.
Joel forced himself to face what had just gone down with Ellie in some dead girl's room.
"I'm not her, you know. Maria told me about Sarah..."
He'd tried to shut her down with the sharpest "Ellie" he could snap at her. Warning that she was on mighty thin ice.
"I'm sorry about your daughter, Joel. But I've lost people, too."
At that, he'd belittled her losses like a goddamned piece of shit.
"Everyone I've cared about has either died or left me. Everyone FUCKING except for you!"
No, she hadn't lost a child. But just the shit in her young life that he knew about, it mattered.
"So don't tell me I'd be safer with someone else. 'Cause the truth is, I'd just be more scared."
And that's when he'd told his fourteen year-old orphan that she wasn't his kid. Fuck him.
She deserves so much better than me, he still thought. But I can't be the next person who lets her down. She deserves that. And Sarah deserves better than bein' an excuse.
~*~
An hour later, Joel quietly knocked on the door to the bedroom Ellie had taken. The very un-Ellie, very pink room with the window seat, where she’d waited for him to disappoint her after overhearing him and Tommy. When there was no answer, he quietly pushed the door open. Empty. The hall bathroom too. For an agonizing second, his mind raced to images of her running away alone, of talking her way past one of the gates, even stealing a horse somehow.
It’s too late to make this go away. I can’t handle three seconds of wondering whether she’s safe, outta my sight. Please let me fix this.
But as he was talking himself down, reminding himself that Ellie was too smart for anything like that, Joel noticed a light on downstairs. Padding down the stairs, he found her at the kitchen table, hunched over his map. Joel ached, seeing her like that. And it wasn't her cross-legged position on the hard, wooden dining chair, which his knees could practically feel from across the room. Nope, it was how guardedly she looked up at him. He'd never seen her like that. Even the first day, in his shitty QZ apartment, she’d been snarky to cover up whatever nervousness she’d had.
The way she looks right now, I did that. My fault.
“I can help you keep me safe, like always,” Ellie said. “Of course, if you just want to ditch me… I’ll do my best for Tommy. I won’t embarrass you.”
Relief, guilt and heartbreak flooded through Joel.
It’s not too late! Wantin’ to do me proud to Tommy, even after I "ditched" her. But takin’ her shot, brave as fuck.
“How ‘bout we work together to stay safe on this trip?” Joel asked, pulling out the kitchen chair next to Ellie and sitting down. Ellie looked into his face, saw that he meant what she hoped he meant, and she exhaled, sitting back in the chair.
“For the record, I do not wanna ditch you, Ellie.” Joel said. “I wanted to ditch the worry about somethin’ happening to you and it being my fault. It's from... Outbreak stuff I don't talk about. Even with Tommy, and he was there."
Ellie nodded, hoping he could see that she would never bring up his daughter again.
"But I changed my mind. If you rode out with Tommy I’d be, like you said, even more scared. Even with Tommy lookin’ after you.”
“I think I get it,” said Ellie. “I’ve been afraid for you. That guy I shot. Those spells you’ve been getting.” I don't buy the cold excuse, the way we’ve already been freezing our asses off."
“Panic attacks. We can talk about ‘em later,” said Joel. “At least how they work. Go on.”
“I was being a total cunt, by the way. Thinking of myself and getting left when you’re having a fucking heart attack or whatever. But also... I don't want anything to happen to you.”
“Thoughtful of you, Kiddo,” said Joel, trying to limit his reaction to his customary half-smirk for plausible deniability. “And maybe lose the c-word as an insult, especially about yourself.”
“Whatever."
"You still deserve a choice," said Joel. “Tommy’s younger, probably faster, as good a shot, not half deaf, knows the area, and he has puns you’ve never heard. You should consider it.”
“Nope. I’m good,” said Ellie, shoving the folded map into Joel’s chest. “Let’s start making lists and shit first thing in the morning. Starting with all of Tommy’s puns.”
“Whatever Madam Sidekick commands,” Joel intoned. “By the way, toppin’ up your supply of godawful puns is part of my apology. You overlookin' my shit... That's real good of you, Kiddo.”
“And unleashing them slowly will be part of mine,” said Ellie. “I shouldn’t talked about... that. Something I only knew about from fucking Maria –”
She'd seen the dates on Tommy and Maria's memorial. Joel's Outbreak stuff was clearly Sarah dying on the second day. Which he clearly thought was his fault, even if that was bullshit.
“It’s OK, Ellie," Joel assured her. "It's on me to figure out how to just hear her name without losin' it.”
Joel wasn’t sure that a slow dribble of new puns wasn’t, in fact, torture. But the kid was making an effort. He mentally stuck a pin in this fucking Maria thing.
~*~
JANUARY 7, 2024
Ellie woke up to an empty house. The part of her brain she most hated decided to taunt her, for about 30 seconds, that maybe Joel had changed his mind again and disappeared into the night, leaving Tommy to pick up the pieces. Ellie was proud that she’d tamped this nonsense down all by herself by the time she stumbled into the hall bathroom and saw Joel’s note on the mirror.
Gone to save Tommy’s marriage. Back before breakfast.
Ha. She fucking knew Maria was not gonna be cool with Tommy disappearing for at least two weeks just to help the devil in flannel who made poor little Tommy do all that shit that lots of people probably did to survive back then the brother-in-law she just met.
With this assumption, Ellie found Tommy's tone incomprehensibly upbeat when she overheard him coming through the front door with Joel. She was already dressed, so she quietly started down the stairs to eavesdrop more effectively.
“…a couple more good nights of sleep, plot out the best route, places to camp, go over the radio codes, and get some more good meals into that little sass-machine of yours.”
“Joel, tell that mouthy brother of yours the sass machine is right fucking here. And looking for new targets before I get stuck again with just your old ass for company.”
Joel nodded approvingly at her. He privately enjoyed the “mouthy” part, coming from Ellie, of all people.
“Mornin’, darlin,” Tommy chuckled. “It was a compliment. The best reason to go on this trip was gonna be listenin’ to you talk about this old fucker. Fact is, if I wasn't married with a baby comin' I'd still be taggin' along." He paused to acknowledge her surprised look.
"I lucked out on him changin' his mind before my wife even woke up," Tommy added, gesturing to Joel.
Ah, Ellie thought. That's what his shit-eating grin's about.
"You'll be doin' me a real solid if me agreein' to go without talking to Maria stayed between us three and the lamp post."
"I'll get back to you about how you can make it worth my while," Ellie said. Starting with your whole fucking pun collection.
Tommy held up his hands, conceding. He just happy to be avoiding a cold trip followed by sleeping on his couch till the baby graduated. Not to mention the weight that seem to have lifted off his brother.
"And speaking of mouthy? I can handle incomin,' so gimme whatever you got. Just expect payback."
“Two mouths have met their match,” said Joel. “I got ten on my sass machine, though. Ten of whatever people bet with around here.”
Ellie had probably been prouder at some point in FEDRA school, but she sure couldn’t think of an example.
~*~
That night, Joel sat with Tommy and Maria in the dining hall, on his and Ellie’s second evening in the Jackson settlement. Less than a day after he'd finally gotten a fucking clue to stick with the kid, and gotten lucky enough that she'd forgiven him. He did his best not to watch Ellie like a hawk as she ate, two tables away with some teenagers Maria had introduced her to. Or at least, not to make it obvious. But Ellie periodically made eye contact, usually gesturing meaningfully at the real food she was inhaling. He didn’t kid himself that he was being subtle. And he knew Tommy was silently clocking every exchange.
He did notice Maria making an effort. He and his new sister-in-law weren't exactly bonding, or anything. Ellie had dropped that f-bomb about her in private -- running that down was still on Joel's to-do list. But she acted appreciative to Maria's face. So it could wait. And Maria’d been a real good sport about him keeping his purpose with Ellie secret from her. Accepting that Tommy would tell her more after they left Jackson.
On Maria’s side, she wasn't exactly hating the version of Joel in front of her now. His presence was a shot in the arm to Tommy, now that they'd talked through whatever was behind their tension yesterday. She was still more than curious as to how Ellie and Joel had connected. Or rather, she knew how. Tommy had already told her that much.
The Fireflies were leaving Boston and taking Ellie with them. Marlene needed Joel and Tess to get Ellie outside the QZ walls. Just a day trip. But they lost Tess. And all the Fireflies who knew where to take Ellie. They tried to learn more using Bill's radio, but after Frank and Bill passed it was just Joel and Ellie. And since he and Tess were getting ready to come out to Wyoming to make sure Tommy was safe, Joel thought the best thing was to bring Ellie along.
All those names (except Ellie's) were known to Maria and that recap made sense in a minimalistic way. But it didn't explain why Ellie was leaving the QZ in the first place. Why she was in Marlene's care while "no fucking way" being a Firefly recruit. She could imagine any number of reasons why the QZ might no longer be an option. Especially for a teenage girl. But why were Joel and Ellie so insistent on finding the Fireflies even after seeing what Jackson had to offer? That was going to drive her crazy till Tommy decided it was time to read her in.
To tell the truth, Maria was doing a bit of self-reflection. Starting with Joel. Crossing the country just because Tommy might be in trouble? It didn't match her image of Joel. And to be fair, her source on that was Tommy himself, airing his darker memories. But she hadn't exactly encouraged her husband to keep in touch. It was a bit sobering, seeing the two brothers together now. Tommy had said only "he's not that guy I dumped in Boston. He's not like Before, either. But, with that girl..." They could so easily have missed this. Seeing Joel in (unacknowledged) dad mode with a girl Sarah's age when they lost her? It was clearly bittersweet for Tommy. But what if Tommy had missed it?
That part of the Joel in front of her very much did match her preexisting image -- the born father Tommy had just about given up on. She'd seen his protectiveness the second their paths had crossed outside the dam. Before his accent and mention of a brother had suggested who he might be. And once inside the walls, there began a trickle of dad jokes and "manners" admonitions. The fondness that softened his face whenever Ellie exclaimed at some new discovery. They way he permitted her to disrespect his personal space and dignity just like he did Tommy.
Maria's self-reflection included a little regret at challenging Ellie's bond with Joel yesterday. It was important to get new person alone (especially vulnerable people such as teenage girls) and make sure they didn't need help getting away from their traveling companions. But Maria admitted to herself that she'd gotten carried away with her distrust of Joel. She and Tommy needed to clear some air on that, but she could have handled it better. Not that she'd had any real worries about Ellie's physical safety. Tommy had always been adamant about that, and she could see for herself what a committed caretaker he was. Ellie, in turn, was comfortable even after months alone with him.
No, it was Ellie's emotional well-being that had concerned Maria. From Tommy's information, from the simmering tension between the brothers yesterday, and from Ellie's anxiety at being separated from Joel. But she was ready to admit to herself that she wasn't the person to address it with Ellie, especially with so little information about their plans or circumstances. If any stranger needed to have a conversation with the girl about Joel, it would be best coming from Tommy. Or someone entirely neutral.
But something had happened last night to relieve the brotherly tension. Tommy had spent the day helping Joel and Ellie plan their mysterious trip and line up supplies. So far, Maria knew they'd visited the stables, the radio room, and the poker game of one of Jackson's best long-range patrollers. She'd contributed a tour of the clothing exchange and lined up a briefing for the town council about Joel and Ellie's journey.
From his mundane packing advice to his account of the harrowing Kansas City mess, it seemed to Maria that Joel's "dad mode" had progressed from unconscious (or at least unacknowledged) to something more intentional. And she could tell from Tommy's demeanor that it was "taking him back," as he liked to say. All he'd had the time and space to tell her was "I thought this was gone. Dead." Followed by a sigh that was somewhere between astonished and rueful.
Maria found herself feeling grateful that this man’s prior example had already shaped the father Tommy would soon be -- even if they never saw him again. Hoping, maybe, that the stars would line up for her child to have a loving, protective uncle. And if she knew her husband, an uncle like that was already Ellie’s for the asking. Those thoughts were best reserved for pillow talk. Yes, Joel seemed softer today. Unburdened. But Tommy's stories about their past, and the loss of Sarah, had Maria on guard that Joel might never be ready to fully embrace his nurturing side again. Maria did what she could by making it clear there was a place for him and Ellie in Jackson. Both of them.
The release of tension was also showing up in a brotherly banter that seemed at odds with the expectations Tommy had set. When their path had crossed with Maria's that day, the ease between them had seemed more like a well oiled working machine. They barely had to speak to reach an understanding on what weapons to pack, how to communicate if Joel gained radio access, or how seriously fucked up each place on the map was. Their was some casual repartee, but it was mostly done through Ellie. Tommy kept encouraging the girl's pseudo disrespect of her guardian. Joel countered with threats to reveal Tommy's most embarrassing childhood moments. There was also a little bit of Spanish drilling. There seemed to be an unspoken agreement to assimilate Ellie into the family. But Maria suspected it was also easing their way back to each other to have an intermediary. But the newfound brotherly ease continued with Ellie away at the "cool table" and the conversation turning bittersweet.
Joel was recounting Frank’s and Bill’s final days. He’d told Tommy they were gone — on their own terms — the previous evening in the course of his short lived “beg” for Tommy to take Ellie the rest of the way to the Fireflies. At the time, Tommy had shaken his head sadly but had been far more preoccupied by Tess’s death and Joel’s emotional state.
Hearing the details today, Tommy had nothing but admiration for the old couple. He wished he’d seen Bill teaching Ellie about flavor profiles and shit. And Frank deserved some kind of fuckin’ award for getting Joel to "sorta" sing.
Bill's goodbye letters to Joel and Ellie were shaping up to be instant classic family lore. Joel only briefly touched on the goodwill Bill buried under his trademark gruffness. He pushed ahead to the old man's wine advice, featuring all-new trivia for Tommy's collection. Morbid wine advice and trivia that could only come from Bill.
"Alright, we gotta back up. This is too good," Tommy wasn't done letting off some steam after a rather intense 24 hours. "Bill left you a wine pairing for suicide pills. He left Ellie one of his goddamned geography lessons... and that was the gross part?"
"Told me, quote, '40 Vicodins and a nice Brunello,' unquote, when the time comes. Told Ellie how Brunello comes from a town in Italy where they had some nun's head in the church. On display in a jar."
"Saint Catherine of Siena!" Maria exclaimed. "Catholic school," she explained. Ironically, Joel and Tommy weren't a product of such schools despite being from a nominally Catholic background.
"Kid ate it up," Joel confirmed. "Like Bill knew she would, by then."
"Wouldn't put it past him to pick out that wine, just for the story," Tommy agreed. He could just see that old fucker writing to Ellie, picturing her reaction.
"It sounds like a match made in heaven," Maria contributed. "I'm so sorry for you losses, both of you. But I'm glad Ellie got that time with them." How often does a FEDRA orphan get to see a loving couple living and dying on their own terms?
"Frank was in, right off the bat," Joel conceded. Like you, little brother. "Bill was more crotchety about it, had more on his mind. But he followed along pretty quick." He glanced at Tommy, expecting him to recognize that maybe he wasn't just talking about Bill.
"We gotta put that wine in the code book," Tommy suggested, taking the cue to back out of the subject.
"That'll be awkward if we find any actual Brunello," Maria objected. "Which I now very much want to." She'd never noticed that name in Seth's (officially secret) wine cellar, but there were still stores and residences in the region yet to be picked over.
For the first time, Joel felt some genuine chemistry with Maria, beginning to see how she and Tommy fit together. The three Miller adults surrendered to much-needed laughter.
When Joel finally laughed audibly, Ellie looked inquiringly at him from her table. He simply mouthed "A nice Brunello" and was rewarded with a bright giggle. She got the attention of the other teenagers she was eating with and presumably launched into storytelling mode. Joel trusted her to stick to the basics of how she'd come by the information. While gleefully embellishing her description of Bill, and of Siena's prized holy relic.
“The compound’s in good shape, should be for a while,” Joel noted. The fences and booby traps should still be on. Everything needed to secure and power the place was neatly stowed. Plus food, seeds, and the animals Bill hadn’t traded toward the end. They'd make out alright free range for awhile.
“We left it so any of us could go back. If I didn’t find you, or if Ellie needed..." He paused to make eye contact with Maria. "She's not safe in any QZ, or anywhere near FEDRA. Tommy'll..."
Maria nodded. She could wait for those details.
“But now? It's too long a trip, too far away from... family." Joel held Tommy's gaze for a second before respectfully nodding at Maria. "If you're lucky, a few days' drive. But if somethin' happens to the vehicle...” Losing Bill's truck in Kansas City had bought him and Ellie a three-month hike to Jackson. "Gonna be, what, four or five months on horseback? But it'd be a shame to let it go."
“I see what you’re thinkin’, hermano,” Tommy said. “Be an awfully nice setup for the right people.” People who could maintain Bill’s security measures, plan for contingencies beyond that, coexist with FEDRA, and appreciate all Frank had done to make it a cozy home. Sometimes with Joel’s help, and (one upon a time) his own. He looked at his wife and knew she was already narrowing down the right people and gaming out what it would take to assemble a working truck by scavenging or trade. He started to mentally catalogue likely sources of horses and supplies along the way. A lot can happen to trucks Outside. And horses, if this thing got elaborate enough to transport ones from Jackson in trailers or something.
A casual observer might have mistaken these quiet moments for the companionable silence of three family members taking a break from dinner conversation to enjoy their meals. But Joel knew family telepathy when he saw it.
“I'm gettin' the idea you know some folks who could use a change of scenery.”
~*~
The highlight of the next day was the shooting range, so Ellie could practice with different kinds of guns. While Tommy got everything set up, Joel spoke to Ellie from his position standing next to her.
"It...uh... wasn't just that I'd be too worried about you, ridin' out without me." Joel said, randomly.
"It... wasn't just that I'd be more scared, with someone else," said Ellie.
"Fact is, I'd miss you too much," Joel said, holding her gaze. Then he changed to his half smirk. "My favorite type of snarky little shit happens to be the Ellie type.”
Fact is, I couldn't even let you go way back at Bill and Frank's?. What was that, day four? He'd pretended, back then, that it was about keeping a promise to Tess. And it just didn't seem right, leaving the kid with Bill and Frank on borrowed time. Ending up with who knows what type of straggling Fireflies or smugglers he'd never get to meet and vet.
"And I’m all used to working around a specific Joel type of asshole. Retraining is such a bitch,” Ellie added.
"I was thinking I'd stick around when we find the Fireflies. Make sure they treat you right," Joel continued.
"I'd like that," Ellie assented.
"After that I was thinkin' we take 'em up on the invite. Come back here."
"So we're a We now?" Ellie asked. "I mean, it's been kind of implied."
"Well, sometimes it's good to... say things. Even if you suck at it."
Pause.
"It's the best place, till someone comes up with the technology to raise sheep on the moon," Joel continued. "Plus, family."
"You keep going for family," Ellie said.
"Yes, we do."
Just let that hang there. She'll get it.
Joel chickened out on letting it hang there.
"You kick me to the curb one of these days, Tommy'll take your side," Joel stated. "So you got family in Jackson no matter what."
~*~
Three nights, two shopping trips, a couple of map-reading sessions, one multifaceted weapons lesson with Joel and Tommy, one ecstatic library/book exchange visit, and nine fucking amazing meals after entering Jackson, Joel and Ellie stood outside the stables next to a gentle, brown gelding that Ellie would name Callus. Two of those meals had featured introductions to some of the local teenagers, and Ellie was happy to learn how that movie had ended after she'd snuck out to look for Joel that first night. It was a boring-ass middle-aged person movie so she was pretty stoked to find out the guy came back without ever having to see it again.
Thanks to that shopping trip, Ellie was all set with fresh reading material, including a Spanish workbook. Tommy had taken some of her old books and comics left for safekeeping to make room for the new shit. Which might've included, maybe, some notebook pages in his own handwriting.
Maria took Joel's hand, then Ellie's, saying they were in her prayers. Joel answered with a solemn nod, Ellie with a simple "Thanks." They didn't wish her luck with the baby or anything. They weren't sure they were supposed to know about it.
Tommy drew Joel into a big bear hug and stood back to give him room to mount up. Wanting to hug Ellie but pretty sure they weren't there yet, he limited his farewell to the kind of touching he'd done while coaching her at the firing range. He simply rested a hand on her shoulder and leaned down to whisper something in her ear. The girl responded with a charitable chuckle and a pointed glance in Joel's direction.
Comfortably in the saddle now, Joel let them enjoy shit-talking him, or whatever they were doing. Not too long ago (just days ago, to be honest), witnessing the Uncle Tommy routine without Sarah would have burned through his chest. But now Joel knew that "Ellie and Tommy" was something he wanted to see.
He reached for Ellie's left hand to help her swing up behind him. As she settled in, he held onto her hand a bit longer than strictly necessary before getting down to the business of riding.
That calcified shell around his heart was cracked wide open now. Ellie wasn’t a quick cargo run he’d gotten stuck with for a long haul. She wasn’t a weight on his guilt and anxieties that he called a sidekick because she was a good kid who deserved a fun title. Oh, he loved their sidekick routine. But she was more than that, and he was ready to admit it.
"Adios, hermano," Joel called back to Tommy. Before turning his face all the way forward, he started to take a deep breath, but didn't need to. "Vámonos, mija."
Ellie stiffened for just a moment, then wrapped her arms around his waste and let her head lean against his back.
Joel hoped the Fireflies – the right ones, the doctors – were still in Boulder. He hoped they wouldn’t need Ellie for too long. If they got lucky he could bring her home in three or four weeks.