Chapter Text
Rehab was hard. A whole month of treatment, therapy and support groups.
Finally being out and back in his apartment felt strange. It was cleaner than he had left it, his friends having purged the whole place some weeks prior. James wasn't sure what this sticky feeling in his chest was; it was almost as if he was a goldfish in a plastic bag.
James thinks back on a month ago - he wasn't doing well - spending the whole week after the party in a semi drunken stupor. Trying to extend his stash of alcohol for as long as possible to avoid the terrible dread in his heart.
He watched messages from his friends and bandmates roll in - replying to a few just to make sure no one came knocking with a welfare check.
Among the texts there was one from Tommy, from a day after the party - it largely contributed to his spiral.
Tommy
9:47 am
Will asked me for your number, said you didn't see his DM? Anyways I gave it to him, you can get a new one if he is going to do anything strange with it … text me when you wake up.
Will hasn't texted him.
Somewhere after that realization - the concoction of self pity, alcohol and anger commanded his hands to destroy.
He found his carefully curated hard drive - the one kept hidden from prying eyes - and threw it with all of the strength he could muster against his living room wall.
The outside casing shattered on impact and James watched in slow motion as the pieces went flying. The reflective black plastic exploding like shrapnel. It wasn't enough - the internal metal drive was still intact - dropping down from the wall with anticlimactic thud. It didn't help - he had to burn it all to purge himself of this guilt.
James took his time gathering up all the pieces and carelessly throwing it all in an old rusted bucket that lived on his balcony. Every shard needed to be gone and out of his life. He couldn't be such a freak anymore - not when it was all so hopeless.
Along with the hard drive, a tattered notebook was the fuel to the fire James needed. It was from years ago filled with romantic notions of a boy who didn't know what love was yet. As his thirst to tear everything apart succumbed he was left with a pathetic culmination of years of pining - all presented in front of him. It takes James 0 seconds to light and drop multiple matches into the bucket and it takes 5 more minutes for his head to catch up. He stood on his dark balcony watching half of himself burn and fizzle out - toxic plastic fumes coiling upwards and into the murky sky.
Now, standing in his flat, all that's left to remind him of his cleanse is a dent in the wall.
Rehab was hard - the diagnosis even harder.
Soulmate Dependence Disorder or SDD is what they called it. SDD made worse by alcohol abuse that in itself was one of the symptoms of SDD. Obsession, substance abuse, escapism, anxiety and a host of other fun habits that mirrored themselves in James.
His condition was made worse by Will being on social media - easy one way access to deliver dopamine through his soulbond. It all boiled down to addiction. Turns out an unreciprocated Soulmate bond turns into a whole host of unpleasant consequences as the human mind struggles to reconcile not being near their mark.
Meeting Will in person - their proximity - flooded James's brain with a host of hormones that together all had him borderline self-destruct.
His treatment plan was standard: Anti nausea medication and antidepressants, therapy to help decenter ‘WillNE’ from his decision making process and a Sponsor for his alcoholism. Each appointment and medication reminder was meticulously input into his phone - customized with different alarms and color coded.
The consensus from his team being that if James was to run into Will again he should keep his distance - maintain professionalism and schedule a next day appointment with his therapist. All doable and absolutely terrifying. There was no ban on contact as that self imposed exhile is wht landed him in rehab in the first place. They encouraged James to perhaps reach out and be honest about the situation but James simply could not find it in himself to ever tie Will down like that - not after everythign wrong with him.
---
Life moved on after that: James focused on touring and writing music with his band. He no longer watched Will’s every ‘move’. The urges to check in on his soulmate had become less of a burning in his bones and instead faded to the background like an annoying mosquito bite. If scratched - it will itch more.
After Tommy's party he could no longer escape into his fantasy - no longer *pretend* that he knew Will in any capacity. He really had no right and ultimately it wasn't healthy. He couldn't be fully in the moment if he keeps on playing pretend.
---
Seasons pass and James is now locked up in the studio writing his next album. He can't believe he gets to keep on writing music, it has been a wonderful blessing to be supported by so many wonderful people along the way. This is not something he will ever take for granted but he just hopes that people will like it.
He gets startled from his thoughts by a text from Memelous.
George
2:07pm
You are coming to my birthday yeah? Just a bunch of friends at mine, really low key.
James typed out a quick confirmation. He wasn't going to miss this for the world.
George and James had grown close only recently. The other lad has always been around James and his friends but George's friendship with Will has always prevented James from trying to form a friendship. Since he had become less evasive of associations with Will thanks to weekly sessions with his therapist, he got on with George like a house on fire.
Its not fair to James to limit his connections especially because Will was not doing the same thing. Will didn't know James existed and so moved through the world as such. James should try and treat the world similarly.
His therapist described his situatiation as common, however not all soulmates are online influencers. Most with James’s condition turn to light stalking and collecting photographs to satiate an unreciprocated soulmate bond. James spiraled because he had such an abundance of content.
It made sense. At this point it was clear James was an addict - but he was working on it very hard.
—
James shows up a bit late, he got caught up at the studio and had to record a few vocal lines and a bridge before he forgot them forever.
He almost wishes he hadn't showed up.
Will is here despite him and George not being close on socials in ages.
James feels himself starting to shrink - like back in the damn kitchen - but being sober and a year and a half of regular therapy actually has him not clamming up like he would have before.
He finds himself quietly standing in a corner and listening to something or other the girly in front of him is saying. It's an easy conversation he doesn't need to pay attention to. James flashes his eyes across the room every few sentences, watching how Will is talking to George.
Will laughs with his full body - throwing back his head as George recalls another one of his drunken escapades.
Over the noise around him, James picked up an excited “...and then James took me to the Gay bar! Mental”
Fuck. Another piece of information about him that Will had found out.
James knew how that story went. George wanted to see what all the fuss was about so he crashed at James’s apartment and went out to the bars without his disguise. James had taken him to a couple pubs and bars that were more LGBT friendly, finally closing the night with neon and glitter at a pretty raunchy club. George had gotten hit on immediately upon entering the establishment, if George wasn't accompanied by James at the time, he was sure that his friend would have gotten eaten alive.
At least George got to enjoy a few free drinks before being dragged home from the dancefloor - James saving his mate from a particularly touchy gym rat.
So now James was that weird new friend that let George get molested in a gay club.
A list formed into his mind that almost made him chuckle out loud. His life was written like a bad indie offbeat comedy film.
James has once pretended to have Will's soulmark and tried to get coffee with him
James had severe anxiety
James didn't reply to his DMs. (Wasn't man enough to face his past actions.)
James is gay and drags his straight mates to gay clubs.
He made an unfortunate picture of he took the liberty to assume that the list was an accurate reflection if how Will saw him. He really shouldn't think like that…Will probably hasn't bothered to even remember his name let alone that awkward moment in the kitchen more than a year ago.
George is pointing his way, fuck…when had he ended up alone?
He feels the room zoom in as Will turns and makes eye contact with James. It's far less terrifying than James made it out to be. In place of fear he feels a gentle wave of resignation flow over him like crystal blue water.
Just like that Will turns back. The look itself couldn't have lasted more than a second.
James feels renewed, refreshed, like he is breathing properly for the first time.
James looks away and goes out to the balcony. Not wanting to intrude on Will's space by accident, he instead elected to spend some time breathing fresh air before heading home.
—
George stumbles onto the balcony some time later. “Hey have you met will btw, like officially?”
James quickly responds with a “Yep we've met.”
Not a lie, whatever gets him out of any more face to face interaction.
“Oh perfect!!! I was thinking I could have both of yoose on a collab! I mean you senses of humor are so similar …. I bet it will be so good…so good….”
George is not going to remember this in the morning as he slowly trails off back inside. James chuckles a bit to himself - his friend is battered.
He got caught on something George had said ... were there senses of humor really similar? Or was it more likely that James molded his personality after Will all these years?
—
Will find him still on the balcony thirty minutes later. Well less so ‘finds’ and more so ‘stumbles on’. James figures Will is just looking for a secluded place to smoke.
“Sorry let me just…” James goes to reach for the now closed balcony door.
“Oi mate, hold on a second” Will is standing, half way blocking his path - somehow taking up far more space than James thought possible for such a skinny man.
James jerks his hand back and ducks his head, not wanting to accidentally make skin contact. No matter how much the pills and therapy were doing the heavy lifting, the thoughts were still there. An amalgam of smoke obscured the exact feeling that had him shrink back in on himself. The loudest voice in his head noting that he didn't want Will to be uncomfortable but the numerous quieter ones were reveling at the attention he was receiving.
Today was not the day to brave eye contact for a second time. The accidental meeting of their eyes still haunted him - stuck to him like judgement. As if Will making eye contact with him once now allowed him to see into every stupid and pathetic aspect of James’s life.
James’s back hit the inner corner of the balcony railing. He had not fully realized he has back tracked so far - putting the most distance possible between himself and Will.
“Did I do something to ya lad?”
Was this a confrontation? When James doesn't answer after a few beats, Will continues.
“Okay so what if you sent a cringe DM years ago? You clearly are well adjusted now and aren't trying to get us to sleep with you, like…..okay fine be a pussy and not reply but you and George are good mates and he's always chatting about you so clearly you aren't a freak like…”
Will seems to give him another pause to reply before saying:
“I'm just sayin’ that you don't ‘ave ta avoid me like I'm the bloody Boogeyman”
James is once again completely out of his depth. He was hoping Will would ignore him or tell him to piss off…not whatever this was.
He should be honest with Will at the very least - or as honest he can be with this lie that he has been living with. His therapist would probably be very happy that they have addressed the DM finally. That James doesn't have to dwell on what that message means.
Will scoffs and goes to turn.
In that moment James throws caution to the wind.
“I am a…freak though”
“What's that mean?” He could hear how Will's face has scrunched up in confusion.
“I…I had to go to rehab right after…that party at Tommy’s”
“Lad, nothing freaky about rehab, sorry to burst your bubble.”
The path in front of him was clear. Will was his soulmate and if James couldn't bring himself to say as much - he could be as honest as possible about the situation.
“I didn't just go to rehab because of alcohol - I…I never expected to meet you in real life and … well that really triggered me you could say”
“How'd I do that?” Will sounds borderline offended now.
“You can be addicted to more than just alcohol, obsession and addiction go hand in hand…”
James really couldn't make it any more clear than that…he couldn't bring himself to.
Will seems shocked “Were you stalking me?...Wait are you even friends with George then?”
This was it then, George would not like this one bit. Whatever Will told him from this conversation would not look good.
“Yeah..? You could say that…cyber stalking I think is the right word?...”
James lets out a heavy sigh. “I'm sorry this is very bad for me, I shouldn't be talking to you at all.”
James reaches for the handle again and this time Will doesn't block him.
James says bye to George, his final farewell - promising to film together soon and making a few terrible jokes for the road. He wanted to save this moment in his mind - George has been a very good friend to him in the past year.
Surely George wouldn't understand - he has known Will longer. James very much does look like a man trying to weasel his way into Will's life using George from an outside perspective.
He puts the thoughts aside - at this point what happens, happens - he was honest (or honest enough) and the rest was up to the universe to sort out. He had no control over the way people around him would react but he could stave off the bubbling fear for one more day.
---
No call ever came asking James to explain himself…instead George invited him over to play FIFA three days later.