Chapter Text
She had jumped down the hole to get in. She could have used the front door, but it had been over a year since she had been in the Dauntless compound, and she thought it was fitting that she use the same "door" she had used her first day here.
The war had finally ended and while there was still a long list of things that needed to be figured out, all she wanted to do was sleep in a familiar bed, next to a familiar face.
As she made her way through the winding hallways, she smiled at the thought of him.
It had been weeks since she had last seen him and even then, it had only been for a few moments before they had to go their separate ways.
They had communicated since, but not face to face. Thankfully, Jeanine's regime had fallen, and Eric was easily cleared of all charges brought against him.
Unfortunately, while they awaited his trial, they weren't able to see each other and, due to the nature of their relationship, she wasn't permitted to attend the trial.
Four, having been appointed to leadership during the war efforts, had attended the trial and was able to coordinate a meeting between Eric and Tris after the trial had come to a close.
So here she is, walking down the familiar hallway to Eric's apartment trying not to explode with excitement.
She reaches his door and knocks but no one answers. She's not sure whether the old security system is still in place but figures its worth a shot to try his code anyway. With a few pushes of the keypad, she hears the door unlatch and she is able to push her way in.
She scans the room.
The last time she was here was the morning of her final test. She looks towards the kitchen and smiles at the memory of them making pancakes together.
She stares for a second, looking at how clean the kitchen and dining area are. When they left that morning, she was sure that there had been dishes in the sink and coffee cups on the table.
The war had started less than 24 hours after their shenanigans in the kitchen and she had gone straight to Abnegation without stopping to change or gather any of her things from the initiate dorms. Eric had had a full day of watching the initiates complete their fear landscapes before everyone gathered in the Pit for the big announcement and celebration. From there he had gone straight to his meeting with Max.
Had he gotten home at some point? Had someone else been here?
He could have been back during the war. Just because the Dauntless who were loyal to Jeanine and Max relocated to the Erudite headquarters didn't mean they never returned to the compound. They would likely have needed to collect some things.
But would he really have taken the time to clean?
The familiar click of the door opening pulls her from her thoughts. She takes a deep breath and turns around.
"Eric," she breathes, a small smile forming on her face.
"Tris," he replies.
Neither of them move at first, instead, they spend a moment to taking each other in.
When she saw him last, his hair had grown out and was surprisingly curly. He had a bit of a beard and he looked absolutely exhausted. Looking at him now, you would never know the hardships he had gone through during the war. His hair was cut short again, the top perfectly quaffed, and all evidence of facial hair was gone.
She worried briefly about her appearance. She knew her hair was overgrown and messy and the bags under her eyes made her appear years older than she was.
"I've never seen anything more beautiful in my life," he says as though having heard her thoughts.
That simple sentence is enough to rid her of her worries. Relief washes over her and tears began to form in her eyes.
Seeing this, Eric closes the gap between them and wraps his arms around her.
Her tears turned to sobs against his chest.
"I can't believe its finally over," she says quietly between ragged breaths, the stress of the passed months releasing through her tears. "I missed you so much."
"I missed you too. But it's over now, and we never have to miss each other again," he replies, squeezing her tightly against him.
They stay there silently as her tears slowly subside. She pulls back slightly, and he shifts so his arms are now loosely draped around her waist.
"I'm sorry," she mumbles wiping her tears away.
"Don't be," he says shaking his head. "Are you okay?"
"Yes."
"Good. I'm going to kiss you now."
It isn't a question, but a welcomed statement.
She barely has time to smile before his lips are on hers. Their mouths move in unison as she stretches her arms up and places her hands on the base of his neck. He pulls her flush against him as they explore each others' mouths.
She feels his hand run up her spine before his fingers thread through her hair and his hand stops to rest on the back of her head. She pushes her mouth harder against his wanting, needing to be as close to him as possible.
In her current position, a small sliver of her back is exposed, and she shivers as he runs the tips of his fingers across her flesh.
The war started before they had a chance to go any further than this. Back then, she wasn't ready, the relationship was new, and he was her first boyfriend. While she knew that she loved him, she wasn't quite prepared to give herself over to him completely.
But as the war dragged on and they were forced to be apart, her feelings for him continued to grow and it didn't take long for her to realize that she was more than ready to take this step with him.
During the hardest of times, fantasizing about their reunion was one of the only things that kept her going.
She slows their kiss and pulls back a little.
"Eric," she says quietly.
"Sorry."
"No," she replies, shaking her head. "Don't be. I want…I want to be with you."
He tilts his head and studies her expression. "You mean…?"
She nods yes. "I'm ready."
He tries to supress an excited smile but fails miserably. "Are you sure? We have all the time in the world, we don't have to rush it."
She knows he means it, but she can also tell by the look on his face that he wants this just as much as she does.
She laughs, smiling. "I'm more than sure."
He lets himself grin openly now and leans down taking her lips between his once more.
"I've wanted this for so long," he whispers between kisses.
"Me too," she replies giggling.
They stumbled towards his bedroom refusing to let go of each other along the way. Luckily, the door is open, and it doesn't take long before he feels the back of his legs hitting the edge of the bed. His knees buckle and they break apart as he falls into a sitting position. She takes this opportunity to straddle him before quickly reattaching her lips to his.
His hands run up her thighs and around her back before gently tugging at the hem of her shirt. She raises her arms, and he makes short work of slipping her shirt off. She caresses his chin with the palm of her hand and places gentle kisses down his neck before leaning back and looking towards the bottom of his shirt. This time, its his turn to raise his arms as she slowly draws his shirt upwards, taking her time to brush her fingers against the newly exposed skin of his taut stomach.
"Tris," she hears vaguely.
"Mmhmm," she replies too distracted to look up at him.
"Tris," she hears again. This time, it's said loudly and with urgency causing her to snap her head up to look at him. She expects to be met with Eric's smoky grey eyes but instead she finds the dark blue eyes of a frantic looking Four.
She whips her head around and takes in her surroundings.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she yells swinging her legs over the side of the chair she is sitting on and looking him dead in the eyes, nostrils flared in anger.
"I could ask you the same thing. Is this what you've been doing every time you disappear, and no one can find you?" he says, pointing at the simulation machine.
"It's really none of your business what I do with my time. Just leave me alone."
He takes a second to study her. She looks tired. He'd noticed it before, but not to this extent. Granted, she'd been avoiding him lately, so it had been a while since he had gotten a good look at her.
"How are you doing it?"
"What do you mean?"
"This simulator is only set up to allow you to run through your fears…but from what I saw…"
Her eyes grow wide as she realizes what exactly he had just seen. She stands up from the chair and crosses her arms.
"You watched?" she spits indignantly.
"I…" he stammers. "I wanted to know what you were doing here. At first, I assumed you were just running through your fears. I get that, I used to do it all the time. In a weird way it helped me blow off some steam but that wasn't a fear…I don't know what that was…"
"Like I said, what that was is none of your business."
He sighs but does his best to push his frustration aside.
"Please Tris, just explain this to me because I want to understand."
She takes a deep breath and resigns herself to talking to him. Her arms fall to her sides, and she closes her eyes.
"Technically, it is a fear…or at least it was."
His brows furrow and his face contorts with confusion before his eyes suddenly light up in understanding.
"Your fear of intimacy," he states.
She nods slowly in response.
"The first time I came here after the war I didn't care if all I could do was replay my fear over and over again, even if it meant going through all of my fears just to get to this one. But I was able to figure out how to choose a specific fear like you and Lauren did during initiation and once I did that, I realized it didn't have to play out the way it did during the final test, I could manipulate it however I wanted."
He raises his hand to his head and rubs his temples with his thumb and index finger.
"How often?"
She looks down at the ground.
"Everyday."
He blinks in surprised.
"When did it start?"
She continues to stare at the ground, not wanting to meet his eyes.
"A week after we all moved back into the compound."
"But…that was months ago. You've been coming here for months. Why?"
She finally looks up at him, her head tilted to the side.
"Do you really have to ask me that?"
"Tell me."
Here eyes start to sting, and she knows she won't be able to hold back tears for long.
"I needed to see him. To be with him."
Her eyes grow wet, and she tries to swallow away the lump that has formed in her throat.
He takes a step towards her and meets her gaze.
"But it's not real," he says gently, shaking his head.
"It feels real. When I'm in the simulation. It feels more real than this hell I'm stuck living in without him."
How had he missed this? How did he not realize just how broken she was?
"Tris…" he starts sympathetically.
"No. I don't want your pity. Just leave me alone."
She's moments away from breaking and she can't stand the thought of him pitying her even more than he already is.
"He's gone, Tris. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to think about him. Heck, its even okay to get lost in memories of him. But this…this isn't healthy."
Tears start to fall silently down her cheeks, and she sniffles as her nose begins to run.
"But I can't. All of my memories…she ruined them. They're all tainted. Every time I try to think back. Every time I try to remember…it's starts out okay but then…then…"
The tears keep flowing and her breath turns uneven.
"Then what…?" he asks hesitantly.
She takes five deep breathes, trying desperately to calm herself.
"All of my memories morph into the last time I saw him."
"You mean…" Four starts but trails off.
She nods.
"Yes. The day she hooked him up to all those machines and made him fight for life. The day she made him try to open that godforsaken box. The day she made me watch him die. She knew. She knew he wouldn't be able to do it. She knew he never stood a chance."
She starts to pace the small room. Anger mixing with her sadness.
"All of those Divergents died trying to open it, there was no way he would be able to do it. She did it to punish him for betraying her and she made me watch to punish me. She told me it was my fault that he betrayed her. And when his body went limp and he was hanging there in front of me, still attached to all those wires, she told me it was my fault and that if it wasn't for me, he would still be alive."
"Tris…I…I can't even imagine what that must have been like, but this isn't okay. Never mind the fact that that serum was never intended to be used at this frequency, this isn't good for you mentally. Please, I'll do anything to help you, but this needs to stop."
"No."
"Tris…"
"No. You don't get to decide what I need. I know what I need. Eric is what I need."
He lets out sigh. The last thing he wants to do is upset her more, but she can't go on like this.
"He's gone. He's gone and he's not coming back. But there are people who are here who care about you. People who can help you."
She snorts and shakes her head.
"Everyone is gone. Eric. My parents. Will. Christina says she forgives me, but she can't even look me in the eye. I don't have anyone."
"You have me. I'm still here."
She wipes her nose on her sleeve and lets out a dark laugh.
"You'll never be him," she says, her face hard. "And I'll never be who you want me to be."
He shakes his head.
"Tris, I didn't mean…"
"Leave," she bellows causing him to step back in shock. She moves forward and pushes him towards the door. "Leave, now."
Before he can react, she walks over to the cupboard of syringes, pulls one out and returns to her place in the simulation chair.
"Goodbye Four," she says simply before plunging the needle into her neck.
He stays put in front of the door and watches as Tris' eyes flutter shut and her body relaxes.
"Eric," she breathes, a small smile forming on her face.
Four shakes his head sadly and opens the door.