Chapter Text
The glow from the desktop monitor was starting to make Kanade’s head throb. Her fingers ghosted over the power button, but then, she forcibly shook her head. She took another swig of the energy drink next to her, savoring the flavored liquid as it ran down her throat. Taking her headphones off, she leaned back in her computer chair and stared at the ceiling for a few seconds. She blinked. Once. Twice. Thrice. Then, moving her mouse to open a new browser tab, she placed her headphones back over her ears and got right back to work.
A while later, when she felt arms wrap around her neck, Kanade flinched, startled. She wheeled her chair around to face the individual. In the process, her elbow knocked over the aluminum energy drink can; its innards spilled over the side of the desk and began to drip down onto the floor. “Mafuyu,” Kanade stated.
Her girlfriend crouched down, thumbs rubbing circles into Kanade’s shoulders. Mafuyu’s high ponytail draped over her shoulder, the ends split. “Hi.”
Kanade braced herself at the lackluster response. “Is something wrong?”
“Mmm,” Mafuyu hummed. “I was going to take a bath, but the bathroom light won’t turn on.”
“Is there a power cut?” Kanade asked, confused. All her electronics were working just a second ago… she glanced behind her shoulder, and noticed that her monitor was now dark.
Mafuyu’s face was still blank, but her voice changed to something childish, something scared. “Kanade, please tell me you won’t get mad at me for this?” She leaned down even further to kiss the other girl’s cheek.
“Of course not.” She was surprised by how quickly the reassurance came out of her mouth.
“Then… okay. I think I forgot to pay the electricity bill this month,” Mafuyu admitted, pulling back.
“Oh.”
“I can call them right now about it though! I just wanted to let you know because it could take a day or two to come back.”
“What about our song?”
Apparently, that hadn’t occurred to Mafuyu. Her shoulders tensed, and Kanade regretted bringing it up. After all, OWN was how they earned their income.
“Nevermind, don’t worry about that,” Kanade rushed to add. “We’ll figure it out. How about you call the electricity company?”
Mafuyu nodded, pulling her phone out from her pants pocket. She quickly typed something, then began to step out of the room as she dialed a number. “I’ll be back,” she told the other girl before closing the door shut.
Left alone in darkness with the curtains closed, Kanade’s breathing sped up. Her thoughts began to spiral. Mafuyu’s always so responsible with keeping up-to-date on maintenance and bills. How could she simply forget? What if it was intentional? And what if we can’t get our new song out on time? This could become a total disaster… In an effort to ground herself, she frantically looked around the room for something to occupy her mind. Even in the darkness, she could see the vague silhouettes of the clutter all over the floor: partially consumed boxes of noodles and drinks, crumpled up music sheets, a broken pair of headphones… and, oh, what was that in the corner?
Kanade stood up from her computer chair in a daze. As she crouched down and opened up the corrugated flaps of an old box, she was hit with waves of flowery scents and nostalgia. It wafted right up through her nose and to her brain, eliciting forgotten memories. One by one, she closed her eyes and remembered how kind her old friends were; the way Mochizuki-san, Kusanagi-san, and Hoshino-san all worked together to help her make such beautiful gifts for her friends. She recalled the nervousness she felt when making a special one for Mafuyu in secret. Somehow, she kept messing it up. Either the wax wouldn’t melt properly or the scented oils were too strong. All of those iterations somehow ended up neglected in this box.
Pulling out the last candle, Kanade brought it close to her face to examine it. She ran her fingers along its perfect edges, inhaled its sweet scent, and poked at its wick. Hearts were inscribed into the purple, hardened wax. This was the only successful candle, and yet, at the time, she wasn’t able to bring herself to give it to Mafuyu in private for Valentine’s Day.
She closed up the cardboard box and walked back to her desk, placing the candle next to her computer mouse. Blindly rummaging through the mess of her workspace, her hands brushed a matchbox. Only a few matches were remaining inside, but it would be enough. She struck one ablaze with practiced ease. The light immediately sliced through the dark, illuminating the space in front of her. Kanade slowly brought it above the candle wick, then lowered it, watching in awe as it began to flicker.
It was alluring; mesmerizing. She fidgeted with her fingers, cracked knuckles intertwining and then separating. Without thinking, she reached her hand across the desk, cupping her palm over the heat and feeling the warmth seep into her skin. She let it burn a mark into the center of her flesh. The pain bypassed her usual defense mechanisms, simply flowing through her fragile soul. As always.
Feet just past the doorway, Mafuyu intently watched the other girl’s expression shift. “Have you been hurting yourself again?” she asked. There was no concern behind it. Just curiosity.
Kanade let out a small surprised noise, flinching and snatching her hand back as she turned towards her girlfriend. She had snuck up on her again. She deflected the question and instead asked one of her own: “What did they say about the bill?”
“I’m going to send it to them in the mail tomorrow. They said it could take up to 24 hours after they receive it to reinstate power. Also, we’re gonna have to pay a late charge.” Mafuyu spit out the string of information quickly before pointing at the candle. “Where’d you get that?”
“I made it. A long time ago.”
“And you hid it from me?”
“No! It was supposed to be for you,” Kanade explained. Her gaze drifted to the floor.
“That's so sweet.” Mafuyu approached the other girl and held her hands. Kanade tensed as she put her fingers underneath her sleeves. Mafuyu pressed into the charred skin in Kanade’s wrist. “Does it hurt?”
Kanade shook her head.
“When I hit you, does it hurt?”
Kanade hesitated for a moment before nodding.
Mafuyu’s grip became stronger and her eyes became dark. “Kanade,” she began, “Can I burn you?”
“Mafuyu—“
“I want to see your wrists blistering with the heat of my love,” she whispered, beginning to roll up Kanade’s sleeves.
Kanade met her girlfriend’s stare. Her stomach dropped, and she couldn’t tell if it was in a good or bad way. She didn’t even try to wriggle out of Mafuyu’s grasp when her sleeves were pushed up to her elbows, exposing the numerous old scars and new wounds on her wrists and arms. She had lost track of which ones were her own and which ones were from her girlfriend. It seemed futile to disobey. “Okay.”
Mafuyu beamed at the affirmation.
Both girls turned their attention back to the candle at the same time, which was still emitting a bright flame. It swayed side-to-side, reaching up to the ceiling and then dropping back down. It waved and danced and sang and smiled, beckoning the girls to come ever closer.
Mafuyu was the first to extend her arm, gripping the purple candle by the base. Hot, dripping wax coated her fingers. The hearts had almost completely disappeared.
Pediatricians typically demonstrate a procedure on themselves to show scared children that something isn’t painful. So, just like a nurse would take a measure of their own heartbeat with a stethoscope before pressing it to a patient’s chest, Mafuyu let the pad of her left thumb graze the flame and held it up to show Kanade. She hummed as if deep in thought, then said, “You’re right, it barely hurts.”
Kanade held out her naked arm, flipping it over so the underside of her wrist was exposed. Shutting her eyes as tightly as she could, she gave the go-ahead: “Do it.”
There was a brief sting, obviously. But there was more sensation than there was pain, and that sensation was fulfilling. It spread up Kanade’s arm and sent shivers through her body. She could feel layers of skin cracking and swelling up. The hardened wax burrowed itself underneath her fingernails. Red blossomed intensely through her veins, making them pulse and whine. Most importantly, it felt so intensely warm.
Mafuyu relished Kanade’s contorted expressions in silence. It was difficult to tell exactly how she was handling this—it wasn’t purely pleasurable, but it wasn’t fully apathetic, either. The fact that she couldn’t figure it out bothered Mafuyu, and she continued to let the pretty teeth of the candle flicker bite even more marks into the other girl’s wrists.
Until, of course, the flame extinguished itself. It was almost like it slammed a front door rudely in both of their faces.
Kanade suddenly felt too weak to hold herself up, and she slid off the chair, clutching her wounded arm as she hit the floor. Her vision was blurry and her ears rang with a persistent high-pitched sound, making it hard to listen to anything her girlfriend was saying. She could make out an apology and could mildly feel the fresh burns being subdued with kisses, but everything else was too numb. Everything was in slow-motion. Even the way Mafuyu got close to her face and filled Kanade’s entire view and asked multiple times if she was feeling alright. Even the way Mafuyu got up to leave and the way her footsteps echoed when the other girl didn’t give a proper response.
When Mafuyu left Kanade alone again, presumably to bring medical supplies, Kanade didn’t doubt for a second that she wouldn’t come back. But the waiting—fuck, the waiting—was even more painful than any lasting blister. The candle, half-melted, was somewhere on the ground. The puddle from the spilled energy drink was still sticky. The music equipment wasn’t on, and it was still so horrifically dark.
Kanade couldn’t tell when she began to cry, but the salty taste of tears found their way to her lips anyway.