Chapter Text
The next day had arrived. It was after breakfast and Shidou was in the kitchen preparing for Amane's strawberry shortcake, wearing the same apron he wore when he and Mahiru were cooking tofu pudding. The same ingredients—strawberries, flour, whipped cream, sugar, eggs, the same ingredients that were present in Mahiru's cookbook. Shidou made sure he got everything, pointing at the ingredients and changing his focus from the cookbook to the ingredients present. He let out a short breath of air. He wasn't as tired as yesterday and the extra hours of rest were helpful. He was able to eat a good breakfast provided by the prison and was able to eat a little more than previous days. He remembered yesterday evening where Kazui came to check up on him, then Mikoto who arrived. Their presence warmed up his heart—though he wasn't able to tell him directly. That same event still warmed up his heart no matter how much he thought of it. He let out a tight-lipped smile before he got started.
He knew Amane would decline the dish no matter the outcome. Sweet treats were always an option, but if that were the case, how come he still thought about making it despite the failure of tofu pudding? Something healthy was also an option, but Shidou felt the need to discard the matter before. Now, after this dish, he'd go straight into a healthy route for her, along with a sweet treat for an option and pancakes as an occasion.
The recipe was easy to understand. With the cookbook laid out on the desk, he read each step carefully. The first step: preheating the oven to one hundred and seventy six degrees celsius. He reached for the knob to preheat the oven. No headaches... no sense of discomfort... no lightheadedness. Things seemed to be going smoothly. the second step: combining all the dry ingredients. Mahiru seemed to have shortened most of the steps, which were quite hard to understand for a beginner. Shidou however, he had experience in cooking, so someone like him could easily understand what she had meant. He opened up all the dry ingredients and with measuring spoons, combined the flour, sugar, salt, and baking powder into one bowl, then grabbed the whisk to slowly mix them around.
Each step, he tried so hard to not make a mess, carefully following them one by one. He cleared his thoughts from all distractions... especially the ones from yesterday. Right now, his focus was on Amane and the dish. If he messed up one thing, then it's over... or he doesn't even eat sweets... so how was he supposed to know the taste? He's not a sweet tooth, so it's hard for him to understand what it was supposed to taste like. He doesn't even have a taste for sweets that much, more he was on the side of healthiness instead of sweetness, so that was also the problem. If Amane were the taste tester... that would be one hundred percent impossible. If that were the case... then what should he do with it afterwards? Throwing it out would be a waste...
***
An hour has passed and Shidou is finished with the dish. He had arrived at the cafeteria expecting Amane to be there, but to his surprise, she was not present anywhere in the cafeteria. He didn't want to leave the slice to waste, so he set it aside on his right the table. He focused his gaze on his fidgeting hands on the table. He was unsure on what to do to pass the time. No one was sick or was in need of an emergency, which freed up his time. Now he had nothing left to do other than—
"Hello, Shidou-san."
Shidou's muscles had tensed when he heard a voice. The moment he lifted his gaze, Amane was seen sitting across from him with her hands clasped on the table. He flashed a slight wave at her, but she didn't seem to mind it.
"Just want to let you know, I did not come here to praise you in any matter." Amane cut to the chase while staring directly at Shidou. "I'm here to talk about something else."
"Something else?" Shidou cocked his head to one side. "What exactly do you mean... something else?"
"I heard from Yuno-san that you got started on the strawberry shortcake, but didn't finish it because you fainted." Amane lowered her gaze for a few seconds, then lifted her gaze back up to meet eye contact. "What—"
Shidou pulsed a pointer finger to his right to signal Amane that he actually had finished it. Amane followed the finger and glanced left and the next moment, she widened her eyes. Shidou actually got to work on the strawberry shortcake and actually finished the slice. The texture looked soft and spongy and layers of frosting added a special hint of tastiness. How did he actually manage to work on that after what had happened yesterday?!
The moment of truth... Amane turned her gaze to Shidou, who seemed to have avoided her eye contact by staring at his clenched fists. "Shidou-san..."
The moment Shidou lifted his gaze, he stared at Amane, showing a face that asks if she would like to eat it. Amane for a few seconds, had pulled the plate towards her and inspected it. She rotated the plate, which caused Shidou's heart to race. This was the final time he would make Amane a sweet dish and the first time he made strawberry shortcake. Of course, it's natural to worry what would happen in the end, especially if it's someone's first creation. He lowered his gaze back to his hands. This was a bad idea indeed. Who thought switching to a route Amane wouldn't even consider going through was a good idea? Another voice from Amane came, and it was something he had already expected she'd say.
"I'm sorry, Shidou-san. My answer remains the same." She pushed the plate back to Shidou.
"I know," he replied.
"How?!"
"It was... quite obvious. Since... you rejected the tofu pudding, I had a feeling this next dish would be bad idea... yet I still went with it."
"Can you look at me while you're speaking?"
Shidou winced and lifted his gaze. Amane's eyes seemed serious about the conversation. He knew... from the start. She wanted to be taken seriously, but his thoughts of children... he didn't want that to go to waste. Making sweet things... he missed making them. He wanted to tell Amane how much he missed making sweets for children... but in her perspective she might've said the same thing, so he kept quiet about it. Troubling Amane about his personal matters would be terrible.
"I wanted to know if you suffered." Amane changed the subject. "If you did, how bad did you suffer?"
Shidou's pupils dilated. That was the one thing Shidou wanted to forget. He hasn't fully gotten over yesterday and the guilt still lies within his brain. Why did Amane bring up yesterday after he tried so hard to forget about those events? He remembered Mikoto telling him that Amane had prayed to god. Shidou was under the impression that Amane had tried to help him, but didn't directly do anything. Considering Amane had a different reason, he didn't want to say anything wrong. His heart was racing the moment he remembered.
He didn't even want to remember those events again...
If there was a way to turn back time, he'd do it. If there was a way he'd prevent himself from getting more regrets, he'd do it. If there was a chance... to save his family—bring them back... prevent a syncope from happening... to listen to his own body and mental state... he'd do anything to change all of that. He narrowed his eyes and he sharply inhaled as he remembered how much he struggled to forget about those regrets. Loss... he never asked for it. Worrying everyone... he never asked for it. He never asked anything of the sort... it just happened. The reason why he couldn't get over yesterday... it was just too much. He set it aside... just like how he did with his family. There would be another chance... it would eat him alive. He let out a shaky breath and blinked rapidly, though it came to an abrupt stop as Shidou found the words he'd say.
"I did... suffer." Shidou's quiet breathy tone returned. "It was..."
Amane cocked her head to one side, wondering what Shidou would say next. To her surprise, he brought his hand to his mouth and cleared his throat, reverting his expression back to a straight front. Despite his poker face, he seemed like he wanted to talk about something distracting. "This whole tofu pudding thing was the reason why I decided the next dish was strawberry shortcake. Though... I knew you wouldn't eat the tofu pudding—"
"I ate it." Amane placed her hands on her lap.
She... ate it?
Shidou widened his eyes. Amane... who literally told him a couple days ago that she refused to eat the tofu pudding especially if the recipe was in Mahiru's cookbook... ate the tofu pudding? She didn't tell Shidou she ate it? That's when Shidou remembered... Yuno was trying to say something during the crazy eights game with Amane and Haruka, but was stopped by Amane. Then while he was recovering from his syncope in the kitchen, Yuno whispered something into Mikoto's ear. Mikoto was about to shout something, only to be shushed by Yuno. Now it all makes sense...
"I thought you'd be happy?!" Amane furrowed her brow.
"I-I am... but there's just... a lot to process..." Shidou slid his hand up to his mouth. "Kashiki-kun... she... what... happened?"
"Yes you're getting there, Yuno-san was the one that did this..." Amane sighed as her palm buried her head. "Let's just say... she got me to eat it in a whiff..."
***
On the day Shidou finished the tofu pudding and the day Amane immediately rejected it, Shidou had already left the table at the time. Yuno, Fuuta, and Amane were all sitting on the same table, with Yuno joyfully placing the spoon in her mouth. She widened her eyes and squealed as the taste in her mouth had enlightened her taste buds, the smooth, light, and creamy taste had melted in her mouth. Fuuta widened his eyes the moment he saw Yuno's expression, while Amane's brow was furrowed as she let out a sigh. She was quite cross with her loud squeal.
"This... is DELICIOUS!!" Yuno shouted from the top of her lungs. She glanced at Amane's untouched bowl and pushed it towards her. "Amane-chan, you should not miss out on this!!"
"I'm not eating this," Amane replied. "It might be too sweet."
"You ate Mahiru-san's recipe! This is almost the same as Mahiru-san's version!!"
"Shidou-san tends to make things sweeter when it comes to sweets, so I'm not eating it." Amane crossed her arms. "Also you never even tried her version, so you don't get a say in this!"
"Don't just assume it's sweet..." Fuuta sighed. "You won't know until you try it."
"Fuuta, you didn't even ask for a bowl of tofu pudding nor did you eat it." Yuno scoffed. "I don't think you have a say in this~"
"I-I'm just saying what I think!!" Fuuta's cheeks turned red the moment Yuno pointed out his sentences. "Don't just randomly point out things!!"
"Hmmm?" Amane tilted her head to one side with a furrowed brow on her face.
"I might have to agree with Yuno, too."
"See, Fuuta agrees!!" Yuno slammed the desk and leaned forward to Amane with starry eyes painted on her face. "Just take one bite, please!!"
Amane let out a sigh. If Yuno really thought it was delicious, then surely it would taste like Mahiru's version. She reached over for the spoon, but slightly pulled her hand back. She assumed Shidou's version would be sweeter than Mahiru's... but it's the same recipe. If he followed it, then surely it would taste good, right? She pulled the spoon towards her and scooped up the tofu pudding that was in front of her. The moment she inserted the spoon inside her mouth...
It really was how Yuno had described it.
Amane widened her eyes. It tasted exactly the same as Mahiru's version. Though it used a different coagulant, it tasted like she had ascended to heaven. She took another scoop... then another... and another... and so on... much to the surprise of Yuno and Fuuta who both widened their eyes. Yuno let out a radiant smile as she saw Amane enjoying it. The next moment, the spoon hit the table.
"I cannot believe I ate the whole thing..." Amane sighed.
"I told you, you won't know until you try." Fuuta let out a half-smile.
"Fuuta... you're smiling." Yuno poked Fuuta on the shoulder.
"I'd like it if you don't do that..." Fuuta let out a sigh.
Yuno sighed. She only wanted to poke fun at Fuuta. However, Amane's bowl was done. Yuno didn't want that to go to waste... and considering she heard that Shidou wanted her to try a bowl and rejected it on the spot, this was a big plot twist! Shidou-san has to know about this! A lightbulb flashed into Yuno's mind. She slammed her desk and stood up on her two feet with her gaze lowered on the table. She let out a smile the moment she thought about something.
"Yuno-san?" Amane lifted her gaze of to the determined Yuno. "What's wrong?"
"Don't tell me you're planning something stupid..." Fuuta buried his eyes with his hand. "The bowl argument with Mikoto was already enough to witness, we don't have to start another one."
"Oh it's something better." Yuno lifted her gaze and noticed Shidou on one of the tables from a distance. His mouth seemed to be covered by his left hand and he seemed to be gazing at the table. Yuno pointed a finger at Shidou, causing Amane to glance behind her and Fuuta to furrow his brow the moment he slid his hand down his face. "Shidou-san is right over there. Come on, let's—"
"I'll tell him myself." Amane cut off Yuno.
"He's right over there?!" Yuno widened her eyes.
"He's not going to believe you when you say I eat it, so I'll do it."
"Aw man, alright..." Yuno slowly sat herself back down on the chair, burying her face with her hands as her cheeks turned red.
The three had continued on with conversations. Amane lowered her gaze onto the table as Yuno and Fuuta were talking about something she felt the need to not listen for now. She didn't seem to understand why she ate the tofu pudding, despite the fact that she directly told Shidou that she wouldn't eat it. She paid no mind to it and thought of it as Mahiru's recipe she enjoyed. The taste was soft and the flavors had melted in her mouth like it did with Mahiru's version and the sweetness was exactly the same. He was able to perfectly replicate it despite the notice of a different coagulant.
***
The more Shidou replayed those words Amane had explained, it started to become hard to believe. Before he went in his cell to almost rip up those notes, she ate the tofu pudding. Of course, he was at a distance, but he didn't remember those events happening. Maybe he was so focused on his thoughts that day, he canceled out all the noise around him and focused solely on his thoughts that caused him to not remember. It was already difficult to process what happened yesterday and this even now—
Shidou's pupils dilated. Another worry had aroused in his mind. It was not about Amane and her explanation on the tofu pudding. Of course, the syncope wouldn't have happened if he told him earlier... more... overheard the conversation. He doesn't blame Amane since she's only a child, but himself, who should've noticed the signs of how his body was feeling. Amane, a child who forgot to tell him that she ate the tofu pudding... being blamed for the reason why he fainted. Yuno was trying to tell Shidou and of course, silently admitted he wouldn't have believed Yuno if she were the one that told him instead of Amane. He narrowed his eyes. He didn't want Amane to be blamed. She's only a child... she doesn't deserve the blame. She didn't know he fainted days later. It wasn't her fault, but his alone.
"Shidou-san." Amane called out to Shidou.
She's only a child... he slid his hand up to his mouth. She didn't know... she didn't know this happened.
"Shidou-san." Amane called out to Shidou again in hopes he'd answer.
It's my fault... she doesn't have to be blamed... Shidou sighed. I don't understand...
"Nobody blamed me and just called it a day if that makes you happy." Amane guessed what Shidou had thought without hesitation. "Like I told you before, don't treat me like a child."
Shidou was able to snap back to reality. He let out a sigh of relief, knowing she wasn't blamed. However... Amane doesn't know the reason why he started all of this and the sudden change. It felt appropriate to tell her now if she was so desperate to know, but before he was about to say something, Amane had something in her mind. She took a deep breath in and out, then glanced at Shidou.
"Before I leave, why did you choose those dishes knowing what my answer would be?"
She just read his mind...
It seemed she was desperate to know. The entire tofu pudding craze... route decisions... notes... sacrificing his free time to ask Fuuta some questions, Mahiru for tips on tofu pudding for the first time, especially asking her for help... it just felt... he just felt like he wanted to reach out to her—so many times. Shidou narrowed his eyes. He felt like something shattered deep inside of him. He didn't even consider why he did all this in the first place... especially to someone who doesn't like being treated as a child. All those events he remembered... starting from the day Mahiru had asked all the prisoners for requests... to his determination on tofu pudding after hearing Amane had requested that... leading up to the route switch back to sweet, making strawberry shortcake, just for him to faint... worry the prison... blame himself for the events... carry more regrets than he could. Those regrets of loss along with his regrets on yesterday were too much for him to handle... so much to the point where he despised it... and wished he'd changed everything.
That's what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Amane every single thing that added on to his reason why he chose those dishes. There was no way he could tell a child all of those events that could break a child's heart. He couldn't bear to focus his gaze in Amane's eyes. The only thing he had left to say, was a sentence.
"Ever since the day Shiina-kun asked for requests... and when I personally asked her, you requested for tofu pudding... then I was quite careless thinking you might've liked it."
"Careless?" Amane cocked her head to one side. "Why?"
"I knew... I knew for the fact you wouldn't accept those dishes... no matter how much times I change routes." Shidou tightly shut his eyes. "Yet I..."
"You knew that my answer won't change yet you still did it?"
"Yes... it's my fault." Shidou opened his eyes. "All I wanted... was to reach out to you."
"Reach out?" This had gotten Amane's attention, widening her eyes for a few seconds, then cleared her throat. "Please, continue."
Shidou widened his eyes the moment he noticed Amane's interest. Without hesitation, he continued speaking, still avoiding eye contact. "I knew you rejected my pancakes the first three times. Tofu pudding... let's just say it was a wake up call. Considering that you liked things that were less sweet, let alone healthy, I wanted to stick with tofu pudding. At the time when you said that you didn't want to eat it and sent the bowl back to me... I knew it came... despite the fact I was unaware you had ate it and forgot to tell me. That caused me to changed what I had to make... which led to when Kashiki-kun invited me to a game called Crazy Eights... where I forgot the rules moments after."
"That's when you chose to make the strawberry shortcake?" Amane asked.
"Yes," he replied. "Then I noticed changes that I had brushed off... leading me to stay up longer than expected. I was not aware and considered I was tired then... that."
Amane was already hooked up to the story. Her eyes widened the more she heard the story. Shidou lifted his gaze and noticed her determination, but he put the conversation to a stop because if he explained it further, then more things would eat him alive. "That's all," he said. Then he flashed a tight-lipped smile.
"Your determination is... something!" Amane's eyes were still widened, but she suddenly cleared her throat. "I-I mean... that's cool."
Shidou discarded that fact as he knew for a fact she was somewhat joking and continued with his words. "I know you want to be taken seriously and... whenever I think about those kinds of stuff, you're first on the list. I already knew beforehand that... the 'fantasy' I hoped for can't be reached. I can accept that, but I refuse to give up... even if it meant reaching out to you—not in a weird way... that's all. I promise to give you something less sweet or healthier."
"Anything else?" She asked.
"I'll give out a sweet option for occasion," he replied.
Amane nodded, then stood up on her feet. Her gaze was fixated onto the table for a few seconds, then she lifted her gaze up to Shidou. "Well then, I'll be off, but before so..."
Shidou cocked his head to one side. Did Amane have something else she want to say? Did she want to counter his claims? That would be the case, but instead, she exhaled a short amount of breath and said something that Shidou didn't expect her to say.
"Good luck." She stepped over the seats and made her way towards the exit of the cafeteria without a single smile painted on her face.
Good luck...?
Shidou's pupils dilated. The next thing he had expected was for her to walk off, but wishing him the best of luck? A child... wishing him the best of luck? Shidou concluded that Amane must've been determined throughout the entire explanation, interested in his words of worry that didn't even seem to worry her. He glanced down at the slice that was pushed back to him by Amane and slid his left hand up to his mouth, crinkling his eyes and giving a tight-lipped smile. Though... he didn't expect what was coming, deep down, he felt a sense of warmth and determination, even though Amane didn't show the smile.
I'll keep that in mind, Amane. Shidou chuckled. Thank you.